On Echo Chambers

The world is full of people who agree and disagree with you. And me. There are millions of people on both sides. But we don't like to think about the people who disagree with us, we like to think that those people are stupid and that we wouldn't bother ourselves with people like that. We like to laugh at the idea of them from afar, without engaging in their debate.

And the internet has become another place for us to surround ourselves with others of our own opinions. We follow facebook pages of political parties and comedians and scientific groups and all sorts of communities that share our ideals. So we can point and laugh at The Other and how silly they must be for their opinions. We unfriend the people who disagree with us until we are sitting in an echo chamber; screaming at people who agree with us.

Because it's nicer to say something and hear "yes! you're right! that's true!" than to hear "well actually I disagree, I don't think that makes sense". So that's what comes up in our newsfeed. People who agree with us. Our social media pages become an echo of the thoughts in our head. They make us feel comfortable and content.



After the Vegas shooting (and oh gosh, I hope when you read this the world has not reached a point where we say "which Vegas shooting?"), my newsfeed changed. I started seeing pages from pro-gun people. I started seeing arguments I'd never heard before. I started to understand why they thought they were being logical. They laughed at anti-gun people just the same. They mocked them - pointed out flaws in their logic. And of course, there are always flaws.

I wonder if Facebook made this choice. If I was some pawn in their game, trying to determine whether my viewing habits changed from this. Or if it was just a mistake in the algorithm. Too many of my friends liking and commenting on these pages that they thought showing them to me was a good idea.

I wonder if it changed the way I converse with these people. I wonder if it made me more tolerant or helped me search for compromise.

I wonder if realising the racism of so many of my friends and family members makes me more tolerant of those people. Or does it make me less tolerant?

I wonder if hearing my family discussing at the dinner table the idea that it's perfectly ok to assault someone if they assault you first will make me a more hateful person or a more accepting person.


...I just want to go back to my echo chamber. Where there is always someone who knows the answer. Where there is wisdom to defer to.

Please let me go back.

Broken Things

If I’m attracted to a woman, chances are she’s a dancer

And moves with a studied grace, owns a dog,

Struggles with some sort of eating disorder, is a smoker

Or has been raped at least once in her life

I’ve spent a lifetime telling myself this does not make me ugly

But a lover of beautiful, broken things

Be they a little dangerous, or just lonely

Needless to say, any combination and I am likely to

Fall in love, heart under heels

Which means I fall in love a lot

Such combination being as likely as they are tragic

As common as the bent and broken spokes on rainy days

Of all the blown out umbrellas, abandoned in the trash

Because they cause each other

The dancer smokes to keep from eating

Or studies and covets her dog’s sheer love of movement

Lies with him at night, and whispers

“I will die before I let anyone hurt you again”

The prize

I know,
You might roll your eyes at this,
But I'm so,
Glad that you exist.

---

So yes I feel nostalgic for that time when I was still figuring things out and making eye contact with someone could still give me butterflies and playing the game

But there is something in the contentment of coming home to the same person every day and having someone I can rely on and someone to look after and who looks after me. In coming home after a long day and having you cook me dinner. In not having to play the game anymore because I've won.
I've won the game that everyone is playing.
And you are a wonderful prize.

---

Sometimes it feels like I have everything I've ever worked for and sometimes it feels like I've failed at everything. Particularly when I break things. I hate breaking things. Maybe one day I will wake up and everything will feel ok but I think that day might be a while away. Do other people have those days? Or is it just always disappointment?

Do I blog more when I'm sad or am I just always sad?

---

And part of me is always terrified that we are going to wake up one day and realise we have grown too far apart and don't love each other any more.
Us, the fairytale couple.
The party pie and the sausage roll
The scientist and the engineer
The logician and the dreamer
The selfless and the selfish
The brain and the brawn
The yin and the yang

Us who compliment each other in every way.
Will stop being us.

And we will be left with nothing. Because all we have is each other, and all we want is each other and all we know is each other. And we will be stuck knowing and wanting and having nothing.

I don't want to be that empty.

Happiness is a destination, not a journey

I'm exactly where I was a year ago and it's still just as hard. It's stressful, putting this much pressure on myself. I know that this is why I chose this job, I work so well under stress and pressure, I want a job that I can devote everything to and see something in return and I definitely have that, I'm just not quite at the point I need to be at yet that will actually make this all feel ok. People keep telling me not to take on so many things and responsibilities and stresses and I smile at them and tell them I'm ok and sometimes I even believe it.

But I am happy. I'm stressed but I'm happy. I don't feel sad anymore. I didn't know that the day could come where I could be happy. I don't even remember what sad feels like and that is a major achievement for me. I've spent some time culling my life of all the things that brought me down and trying to keep the things I like. I've gotten rid of some toxic people and I've brought in some plants and teddy bears and books. So many books.

I love to read, I've always loved to read, and now I work at a place that has a library and I can just have books all the time without having to really go out of my way or like, pay for them. Libraries are miracles! Books let me have all the experiences that I don't actually want to experience. Maybe that's why I still like teen fiction so much, because I haven't had all the teen experiences yet and I feel like I need to before I move on. Maybe I'm just super immature.

I still sometimes second guess my choices. I suppose I've made the choice to forego a lot of experiences, in exchange for a number of other experiences. And I suppose that's ok. But I've always been the girl who loves options and suddenly I don't have the options anymore. I've chosen. I've never made such concrete choices before.

But here I am with a mortgage and an impending marriage and a permanent job that I can keep for the rest of my working life and it seems like things are really set in stone. I've made concrete choices. Which is fine, it's fine, I'm happy. This is happy.

Seriously, this is why I struggle so much to discipline students, I'm just so goddamn cheerful.

Settling

So I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea that I'm settling in life and that I've achieved a lot of the goals that I set out to achieve in life and that feels weird to me. I've always had something to work towards and I kind of don't have that in a big picture now. I still have day-to-day goals and work is really useful for that but it's not the same and it makes me feel weird.


I don't want to feel like the rest of my life is settling though, I want to feel like it's an achievement. And also like I still have things to work towards.

Having me back.

You say that I make you sound like superman but the truth is that you do feel like a hero to me. For so long I had to be the hero and it was so exhausting and staying on top of everything was so hard. And now I have you. You with your superhero cape. You with all your annoying habits. I feel like I can only be me when I'm with you. And I missed me. It's nice to have me back.

And now I'm an Adult with Responsibility and I have to do everything myself and buy everything myself. And I am so unbelievably happy. I haven't had a sad thought in a month. I thought I'd been making excuses for being miserable for so long but it turns out my excuses were valid. I don't have to be miserable anymore. I don't have to hate every day. It feels like a giant weight has been lifted... Like coming up for air. And I'd been drowning for so long I barely remembered what air was.

Update on Life

I'm going to try and write a post that's not a giant metaphor.

Life is good and school is good and I'm happy to go to work every day and I'm happy to come home every day and that's good. I get home and I hate home and I go and do work to distract myself and then I can't switch off from work and then I'm up at midnight crying uncontrollable and laughing hysterically simultaneously and I know that something is wrong but I don't know what it is.

And then the holidays come and I get a break and I colour in and then I injure my wrist and I can't write for a week and this is why I can't have nice things. I go and look at houses and talk to important financial people and plan for a life where I don't have to avoid home or eat dinner at 8:30 or do the things I don't want to do. That life is so close I can taste it. It tastes like food I've chosen. Like a high vegetable to meat ratio.

So I feel guilty for every dollar I spend that puts the Happy Life off by another 2.4 seconds. I feel guilty when I buy a nice dress to wear to my awards ceremony at uni or a $4 lipstick or the tank of petrol I need to drive a friend home. And then I make lists and budgets and spreadsheets and I track every cent and I classify everything in my crazy categories and I keep my job at Coles to justify buying my membership with the dragons. And the lists work. The budget eases the guilt. My whole life is easing guilt.

But I need a hobby that can keep me sufficiently distracted from work that I only question my mental health every other day. The only problem is that I don't like doing anything and I never have. I have never held a hobby for longer than about twelve months. And all the suggestions I get are impractical or unappealing. No thank you I don't want to participate in a team sport the only thing worse than sport is teams. Sorry I don't have any land but I would love to start a veggie patch. No I can't do anything involving writing or colouring or even using a computer to be honest because the pain in my wrist is always unbearable.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life but at least I have a vague direction and I'm getting all the career opportunities I want and I can afford to buy my own home which is becoming increasingly rare in my generation so I'm not here to complain. This is just what my life is now. This is what I've worked for unwavering for as many years as I can remember. This is why I studied and worked instead of every going anywhere or seeing anyone. It's nearly time for me to set some new goals. How exciting.

The Invisible Light of My Life

So here’s the thing about holding an invisible candle for someone: it’s invisible. And then you seem like the jerk who’s not willing to pick anything up because you’re holding this fucking invisible thing. And you feel this incredible guilt for not making other people and guilt is a thing that I am so familiar with and you think, well, if that person can’t see the candle either and they don’t know you’re putting it down, what’s the problem? But they see. They see because they watch you hold the candle with baited breath and putting it down seems like such a huge step to them and then you go to pick up the candle again after you’ve done your share of the work and it’s not even there anymore. Because you have responsibilities to the world, because saying no to someone is hard, because the candle is so dim and you don’t even know if it will last the trip with such a dull flame, with such a tiny glimmer of hope.

I counted days. I remember that so well. I remember being upset that I lent someone my sharpies and couldn’t update my count. But what was I even counting for? The distance hope that things might change and something might make everything ok. But that was just a dream. Wishes are not horses. For all the things I’ve wished so long and hard about… Now I wish for things I already have not to go away.

But I'm So Close

Break my heart one more time.
Because I am not quite broken yet.
And you seem intent on destroying me.

The days.

The days get so hard and long and exhausting.  How much longer can I do it? The question I bring to myself every few months. How long can I go without a day off before I crack? How long until I get aggressively sick beyond recovery? How long until I can't get out of bed in the morning? How long until I start crying myself to sleep every night. But every time I can go a little bit longer. And every time my body breaks in different ways.

So I make jokes. I laugh about the fact that I ask for help and receive "see you later" in response. I laugh when students set trees on fire or when they steal things or rip up their worksheets and throw them across the room at each other.

And I cry. When I find the time. I always cry. Sometimes I have a spare five minutes and I use it to cry. And maybe that's not healthy but I don't think there is a healthy solution. Everything is too hard. What do I do?

Lower my expectations. Change my mind about what I want in life.
And laugh.
Keep laughing

A Lack of Nostalgia

And so the last week of uni ever has drawn to a close. And I feel none of the sadness that I thought I would. Yes, I've enjoyed this period of independence and working on what I want when I want to, but in general I'm really disappointed with uni and it's not what I was expecting it to be. I thought I would learn things that actually help me teach, as opposed to things that help me research and write essays. I thought teachers would explain things, that they would teach things, that I would have the opportunity to learn things. But they kind of just give vague explanations and hope you already understand what they're teaching. So yeah, I'm not going to miss that...

And I thought that I would make friends that would last a lifetime, but then I suppose I expected that from high school as well... I'm so bad at friendship though, I don't like putting in so much effort to see people. I don't like being out at night because I like to go to bed early and I'm always busy on weekends. So I'd rather not socialise with people... And some people don't like that very much and honestly that's fine. Because my happiness doesn't depend on other people. At least not at the moment.

So at the moment the thing that's terrifying me is all the work I'm going to have to do on prac. The lessons to plan and all the paperwork. How do I make things exciting? How do I reach these kids? But also go to work and tutor and earn money because I need money because that's what I'm waiting on at the moment for my happiness.... There's always something.....

Harry Potter movies

Sometimes it's amazing how little it takes to make me happy.

Just one day of watching Harry Potter movies with you and talking about bad fan fic, eating chicken nuggets with too much sauce, as you cough up phlegm every five minutes. I want to watch movies with you when you're sick and take care of you for as long as you'll let me.

There are some memories we make that last for a long time and I hope that one of them is watch Harry Potter 5, for the first time ever, in your arms.

(You make me so happy that even the bad weather can't bring me down)

(If I ever wanted to cast a patronus, all I would have to do is think of you)

And then you say things like "Why is there a part of me that dies every time I finish a story?" and I just want to cuddle you forever and not let you lose any more of yourself.

But I'm happy, you know? I'm the happy I thought I'd lost.

Finding Me

To be honest, I don't want to put up with being treated like crap by you and I've decided I don't have to anymore just because I feel sorry for you. I feel like this is a repeating pattern for me where I feel guilty for my own happiness so I let people who aren't happy treat me like I am a bad person for being happy. But I'm not a bad person and I work hard to be happy and my happiness is a struggle and I don't have to feel guilty for it.

It's crazy, isn't it? Because it's not just friends, it's almost everyone in my life. I think I've just always been told that my opinion isn't as important as everyone else's and that I'm not right unless adults agree with and all that stuff isn't true. I want to have the freedom to be my own person. Everyone keeps telling me off for not doing things that other people enjoy even when I explain why I don't enjoy doing. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

I'm trying not to live for the future and to just enjoy my right now but if the next twelve months could go a little faster than usual I won't complain. I'm sure I'll miss uni once it's over but whilst I'm here, I'm  not particularly fond of it. At least at uni I can read books in class though... There are definitely some perks I'll miss.

Best friends

The nights we stay up late talking are my favourite kind of nights; sharing everything with each other, even the things we're ashamed of and the things we thought we wouldn't tell. Sometimes it makes me so happy I can't feel it any more. Sometimes you make me scared I'll never be that happy again. But you take away the numbness and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Thanks for being my best friend ever. Thanks for staying up just in case I need to text you, even when I'm out with friends. Thanks for holding my hand when I'm so sad and stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thanks for listening to me freaking out about everything and letting me cry. I can't tell you how lost I would be without you.







Man it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

We have lots to discuss

You put in all the effort and try everything you can think of to get them to notice you. Look at me, we have the same interests and the same sense of humour. Maybe we should hang out some time, we have lots to discuss.  And they laugh straight past you to another one in the crowd. Every time. Maybe it's the same person, maybe it isn't, maybe you don't even care. It's so tiring putting in the effort every day. What are you supposed to do?
I guess what I'm saying is I'm giving up and I hope you have a great life. And if you want me in it, I'll be here.

Sometimes I feel like I should tell you all the stuff going on with me. But it's always for selfish reasons. I just want you to care about me I guess. I just want everyone to care... So I don't tell you, because you deserve better and you deserve to care about someone who cares about you too.
I hope you find that someone. One day.

And goodness you just drive me insane. I want to hold onto you but every time I try you run away and every time I let go you come back. I never really wanted to let go in the first place but you make me feel so unwanted. I wish we could be what we used to be, whatever that is, and just make it work. But I read too much into everything. And you write too much into everything. At the end of the day we both have fabricated stories in our heads of what's going on instead of saying what we mean because it's too hard.
But I think I'll be able to say it now. And maybe that will mean that you laugh at me and maybe it will mean you leave but it has to be said. I'm sorry for letting this go on.

I'm stuck at a crossroads with you because everything in the universe is stopping us from taking another step. And we plan these things out so well and then something comes in at the last minute and ruins it. So sometimes I just sit alone and think of you and cry. There's so much I want to change. I wish I could take charge of my happiness instead of waiting helplessly.
Sometimes I feel like I'm taking charge but the feeling passes fairly quickly.

I want to be a Sim

I want to be a Sim, living in my Sim house with my Sim dog working everyday at my Sim job that doesn't require a Sim degree. I want life to be a series of hunger and energy and fun bars that I just need to fill to be happy. I want to water my Sim plants and stock my Sim fridge with my Sim vegetables and I want to only know four people and never have to see them, only call them to maintain our friendships. I want to be able to afford my Sim house almost the moment I move out of home and I want to spend all my Sim money on pretty plants and fancy televisions and really, really comfortable beds. I want to open a Sim business and sell my Sim paintings that I paint on the side, just for a bit of fun. I want to fall in Sim love and get Sim married at my house, in the backyard, with only my four friends present. I want a cheat to turn aging off so I can live forever young and beautiful until I decide that I'm ready to grow old. I want a cheat to give me as much money as I need to buy the house I've always wanted. I want a cheat that changes the time to give me that extra hour in the day that I need to have breakfast before work.

Who are you?

I'm the girl who is always dreaming, waiting for tomorrow to bring a better day. My mind full of possibilities and if onlys and one days. I promise you that the future will be better but everything can only ever disappoint. I wish I didn't disappoint.



I count the ways I let you down
On my fingers and toes but I'm running out
Clever words can't help me now
I grip you tight but you're slipping out



I'm the boy your mother warned you about, here to break your heart. To tell you that you mean the world to me and two days later tell you I'm in love with someone else. The boy who can't make up his mind and doesn't know what he wants but right now I'm so sure it's you.




Sometimes honesty is the worst policy
Happy ever after, happy ever after
Let it go, you never need to know
I'm going to be picking up all of these tiny little pieces
Tiny little pieces of your heart, won't do it anymore




I'm the girl your mother never warned you about. And wasn't that a big mistake? Because you've fallen in love with me so many times that your favourite songs sound like me. And you wish you could let go but that ship sailed a long time ago.

All the pain you tried to hide
Shows through your mascara lines
As they stream down from your eyes
And let them go, let them fly
Holding back won't turn back time
Believe me I've tried

And I'm the boy you wish you could love. Stuck in a cycle that you wish you could break. Because I've fallen in love so many times I've given up on the world. And you want to hold me and say that one day someone will treat me right. But you know it's all a lie.

The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

The future

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy for autumn to bring its crunching leaves and hot chocolate and blankets, I'm happy to get home to a warm dinner and wake up to a warm shower but I don't want to wake up on cold mornings and I don't want to walk home when it's cold and I hate the cold. Even at 8:30 in the morning my hands are still freezing and I don't like it, I don't like going six months of the year without being warm. I wish it could be summer forever.

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy to start a new job and be able to devote all my time to something I really care about, I'm happy to start marking work and writing reports and doing all the things I've been looking forward to for years. But I'm worried that I'm going to be terrible at it and I'm worried about having the responsibility of all those little faces staring at me, hoping I have all the answers.

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy to move out and find my own place and get to make my own decisions and do what I want when I want to without people complaining that I work too hard. But I don't know how I'm going to afford it because house prices just keep climbing and what seemed affordable a few years ago is now so far out of my reach that I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford to leave home.

But I'm excited about the future.

Directions

1. And sometimes it is hard, being the person that falls in love so quickly that everyone else is scared off. Sometimes it's hard to explain to people that what you feel isn't a passing whim and that you can have so much passion and devotion to a person you don't know that well. You were staring into my soul when you told me that I was one such person but I suppose I was staring into yours when I noticed that you are too.

2. How do you do that? How do you start that conversation? There are some things that are so difficult to talk about... How do you say to someone "hey, I knew you very, very well a very long time ago and you knew me too and I want to share this story with you"? Maybe sometimes you have to accept that that's a conversation that will go unspoken.

3. It's so funny, being in fourth year, taking first year classes and they all think I'm so old. Oh, to be a first year again, I wouldn't do it for all the good in the world. I don't know how I've managed to pass all my subjects but so far it has happened and it would truly be torturous to go through some of them again.

4. It feels like a really large chapter of my life will be ending at the end of this year and I am scared and excited to see what the next one holds. Up to this point, I've always had a plan of where I wanted to be, I picked my high school in year two and my uni in year nine and didn't change my mind on either. But when uni ends, I won't have a choice in where I go and that worries me. I want to be successful and I want to be happy but I don't feel like I know how... Is it even in my control?

5. I really do hope that this semester is as easy as I've been telling myself it is because I've taken on a fairly large workload between work and tutoring and an online uni course. However, week one isn't over yet and I've already starting work on two assignments despite being a little sick (but recovering quickly!) so if I keep my productivity at this level, there shouldn't be an issue.

6. I feel like I need to write a list of all the things I want to do and all the things I want to be and achieve so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. My life feels so long and beautiful but my childhood felt like that too and now it seems a lifetime ago. Where to go from here...

That beautiful moment

I suppose some people like planned moments with beautiful clothes and candles and a fancy dinner and a surprise. But to me, the moment was perfect, with free dinner and outfits that were lacking and no planning. No thought. Other than that it was what you wanted. At that moment. That beautiful moment. And it was the surprise I never saw coming. It was a hug that never ended. And the surprise lasted a good 24 hours before I could get my head around it. But I have. And it is right. Thank you for being right.

This is the way I always wanted it to end up but was too afraid to say because people give you That Look and you say "oh I'm only kidding" and they look relieved and you just want to scream that it's not unreasonable and it's not naive and you're not too young to know what you want and to know who you want to be. Why can't people just accept that this is what I want? Why does this have to be a fantasy reserved for silly little girls who don't know what they're talking about and don't understand the world? Why does everyone else's opinion matter so much that I can't just say what I think? Why?

I want to start making so many plans but I'm so terrifying of scaring you...

Choosing Happy

For so long I thought I had fucked everything up and that I would never get another chance again or that I would never be allowed happiness or deserve happiness or that fixing things depended on other people or that being around the people with good lives would improve my life or make me more deserving of a good life but I don't think that's true anymore. Yeah, I've made some mistakes but they've been the mistakes that led me here. They are things I should have said or things I should have done but I'm ok with not having done them. I thought maybe the problem was me but the truth is I was hanging around people who were willing to hurt me and although I may have chosen to talk to those people, I did not choose to get hurt, and I cannot have expected to see it coming. Yes, things could have been different if I made different choices but I'm ok with being where I am. And I don't let people hurt me anymore. And that is a lot tougher than it sounds, and it means I've pushed away some close friends and even family members for just saying the wrong thing, but I think I've made the right decisions.

For so long I thought it would be impossible to be happy, but now I realise that happiness is in the choices I make every day. And I choose to be happy. Yeah, I'm stressed, but I'm also happy. I'm glad I am where I am now and I'm glad I made the sacrifices that led to this moment. Because I believe that I deserve it. And I believe everyone deserves it. Ans if there are people interfering with your happiness, you have to let them go, even if it's hard, even if it's forever.

#3 Things I Hate About Valentine's Day

1. People feeling the need to brag about relationships. This is particularly heightened by facebook and people posting photos of flowers or even worse their dinner.
2. Single people feeling inadequate. Why is there a day where people determine their self worth based on their relationship status.
3. Flowers and chocolates and teddy bears everywhere. And everything is pink. And the teddy bears and really ugly.
4. People thinking PDA is acceptable. Or worse, they think it is cute. When is actually disturbing and unacceptable.
5. People thinking sex is mandatory. Like I have issues with this 365 days of the year but Valentine's day is so much worse because suddenly it becomes impossible to spend a day together without expectations from each other and society and yuck ewwy.
6. Pressure to buy presents for your significant other. This also applies to birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. Etc.
7. Suddenly it is socially acceptable to ask people their relationship status. "Do you have a Valentine?" Is a question that should be made illegal due to invasion of privacy.
8. Any rose that is not red is dismissed as your partner being cheap. Not your partner thinking you like the other colours more.
9. A single rose suddenly costs $10, which is normally the cost of a small bouquet. And cards can be like $10+ which is pathetic for what is literally some cardboard and ink.
10. Traffic. Queues everywhere. People going places. People being busy. People blowing you off. People.

#2 Things more important than feminism

As my laptop is currently (still) being a complete and utter piece of shit, today's post comes from my darling phone, Newton.
This is a list of issues that I think are more important and relevant to our society than feminism.

1. Racism. Although much more prevalent in countries like the united states, racism is a major problem in our country. Particularly with all the hype coming up around Australia day and all the people who feel that Australia day is lost, it is evident that many people in this country have a large problem with non-white Australians. Which is ridiculous. Because white Australians were the ones who brutally stole the land in the first place so I don't see what the problem is with learning to share.

2. Classism. Huge inequalities exist between classes, even within Sydney. If you were to compare the money, the schools, the opportunities of students from different areas, you would be amazed at what rich children get that other don't. By the age of 5, a student of high socio economic status will have heard 30 million more words than a child whose parents are on welfare. This creates a gap on reading levels that is virtually impossible to overcome. Before even entering school, these students can be several grades behind.

3. Indigenous disadvantage. In many developed countries, but particularly in Australia, indigenous people suffer huge disadvantage in relation to education, health care and more. Starting with language and cultural barriers, it is very difficult for indigenous children to reach the same stage as white non-indigenous children in regards to education and employment. This is unacceptable.

4. Health care. Although most of Australian health care is heavily subsidised, it is still very expensive for many citizens to have surgery or even take an ambulance to hospital. This means that classism extends to health care, making richer people healthier.

5. Asylum seekers. Even disregarding the small number of asylum seekers being ill treated by our government for choosing to take a boat to our country, asylum seekers allowed into our country are not given the necessary support to set up a life here. Many of these individuals have suffered extreme trauma and require additional health services to those of ordinary Australians. Unfortunately, it is these people that have the least access to resources due to language barriers and financial restraints.

6. Binge drinking. It is the culture of gen y and now gen z to drink for the sole purpose of getting drunk. Excessive alcohol intake is linked to increased violence, as well as increased health issues. This toxic culture of binge drinking places unnecessary strain upon our health care system.

7. Religious attacks. Although this also plays a part in Australian society, it is mainly of concern in the middle east. This is a complicated issue with no simple solution but more effort needs to be made to make peace in this region before it escalates into another world war.

8. Violence. Domestic violence, violence due to alcohol, and even guys just wanting to prove how big and strong they are; this issue take many forms and none of them are pretty. The concept that people want to cause physical harm to other people is very disheartening but stems from a number of causes. Violence is a difficult issue to deal with because it is not really about the larger views of society, nor is it fixable by simply pumping in more money. This issue needs to be looked at more carefully to be dealt with.

9. Child abuse. So this is mainly an issue in developing countries where children are used as slaves, forces to work for most of their live, or forced into combat as soldiers. Often this changes their entire life view and it is very difficult to repair the damage even after they are taken from toxic environments. And let's not even get into child abuse in our own country because that stuff is terrifying and sad.

10. Animal cruelty. Cruelty to animals kept as pets, cruelty to animals forced to breed to make pets, cruelty to farm animals on a day to day basis, cruelty to animals during their killing for human consumption. Humans deciding that they are more important than every other animal on the planet. Humans. Humans are such an issue...

And that is why I am not a feminist, thank you and good night.

#1 Things that shit me

I have some lists...
Because I feel like my mind works better in dot points.
I call this first list
"Things that shit me":

1. Girls. Girls who say “I’m fine” when they’re not fine. Girls who say “it’s ok” when it’s not ok. Girls who get upset with guys for not reading their fucking minds.
2. Men. Men who say “I can change” or “I’m not the person I was”. You haven’t changed, you are the same person, and you shouldn’t be begging for the attention of someone who needs you to change anyway.
3. People who complain about being overweight but eat junk food and refuse to exercise and then tell other people off for being skinny or for telling them not to eat chocolate or whatever.
4. People who can’t use correct grammar. Like not even 100% of the time. I don’t care if you end sentences with prepositions or use commas instead of semicolons. I would, however, like to be able to read what you’re writing. If your sentence is five lines long and it has no commas then you are doing it wrong and we can’t be friends.
5. Religion. Religion and religious people drive me insane and I wish they didn’t but I want to throw up every time someone quotes the bible on facebook. I feel like every horrible thing that has even been has been done with religious intentions. Good intentions, yes, but religious intentions. Like if people stopped caring what god thought and started caring about themselves and each other then maybe the world would be a little nicer.
6. Vegetarians/vegans with a superiority complex that don’t know anything about animal product/bi-product industries. Or that don’t understand anything about animals. Like the thing you don’t understand is that the cow is happy to stand in the field all day and eat grass and then come and eat some grain while it is being milked. It is not a prison cell. It is a home.
7. People that think that time heals all wounds. Some wounds get worse with time. Some hatred deepens with time. Sometimes I don’t need time I need a hug and maybe some chocolate or something.
8. My iPod not allowing me to add new music without deleting all the old music because it has to sync and I’ve had to factory restore my computer since the last time I added music to it and that doesn’t mean I don’t own it, it means you’re being a prick.
9. Moral absolutism. Like you can't be a good person if you've ever done a bad thing or that it can't be a good idea if it comes from a bad person.
10. Having to code the html for this blog by hand because it can't comprehend the concept of copy and pasting formatting from a goddamn word document. Like the base 10 number system is too much for my poor computer.

I guess that would be incentivizing decency though

Post-exams

It feels like so long since I've written here because all I do now is talk to myself as I'm driving home and that helps me deal with things. And there are so many things I wish I could say but I'm never going to say them...

I get so frustrated so easily and my patience is so thin these days. Maybe there is something horrible about buying something I don't really like for more money than I want to pay just so I can say I bought something. But then maybe there's something horrible about giving someone money for their birthday and forcing them to buy a new outfit when you know they hate buying clothes.

And it's not just the trying on clothes and feeling uncomfortable and curtains never really closing and where do you put your other clothes when you try them on, it's also the I'm a different size in every shop and the why is there a piece cut off this in such an awkward spot? and the this could do with a few more inches/metres of material and the why would I give you $100 when all you did was put some paint on some fabric?

Of course there's also the I would rather be playing pokemon because we have been training for days and we are ready for the goddamn elite four and why am I wasting my holidays in a shopping centre?

But the thing I'm ranting about here isn't even the shopping, it's not the shopping that made us sit down and look at each and decide we wanted to go home and cry. It's life. And I'm doing it all again.

I tell myself that everything will be better when exams finish because I will have Spare Time and I can spend it with people I care about but holidays go so quickly and days are so short, they get shorter every time I look. And I can't even manage to see all the people I want to see let alone play my video games.

And every holidays I tell people I want to see them and then they make plans and I hate them for ruining the time I want to spend sleeping in and playing Sims. But i go because it's Polite and frankly because I want to get it over with so I can feel like I've satisfied the Requirements of Friendship and that I can go back to doing nothing with my life without guilt.

And I complain that I have no friends but I don't even want friends because that's one more person you have to Please and you have to Make Time For. And I don't want any of that shit.

I don't even know if I'm happy right now. I literally cannot tell. What is happy?

Stresses, and things

So stresses, and things.
Because there are days when you get in your car and drive down the driveway and there is water falling from your face and you don't know why.
Or maybe you do know why on some deep level but you can't reach that level because there's all this stuff in the way.
And you've been telling yourself for so long that you're happy, you've been happy for so long.
And exams aren't stressful, are they Ebony? And you enjoy them. And you can't wait for that moment of relief as you walk into the exam room and you can almost convince yourself that that moment can come a week early.

And I don't know if that's it, I don't know if that's the reason why I feel like this.
Once my exams are over will I still feel like this?
Or will I be happy again?
Is that what happy is? Is that what happy does?

I don't know what I'm doing, why am I up all night looking at stupid random crap on the internet and not caring about... things? What is so amazing about my neopets?

I'm procrastinating like my holidays have come early and then freaking out about my exams but then every time I go to study, I know all the things... So I feel like I don't have to study?

And I don't know. I feel weird and crappy and stressy and I do this to myself all the time.
I like stress, stress makes me work.
Until the point where I can't any more.
And I don't see the point coming.
And I think I can keep going on like this forever.
Living for the future instead of for now.
Is that what I'm doing?
Sometimes it feels like it.
Living for after exams, or after uni, or after... something.

And I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore.
I promised I would live in the now.
But there's so many things in the now.
And all I want is hot chocolate and a warm bed and some freaking neopets.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

I just want to be happy.

Wonderful

So there's this realisation that I had yesterday.
Glorious yesterday.
Waking up next to you
And going bowling with you
And eating a pretzel with you
That you almost let me finish

I had this realisation
That you let me be me
You are ok
With me having my own life
And my own interests
Distinct from yours.

You don't ask me to do things
Just because you like them
You don't make me watch your movies
Or listen to your music
Or play your games
You get excited when I ask to
But you never ask me to

And I think, that's very new and different for me
To not have be anything
Except me
And I love it
I love being able to be me
And letting you be you
And not judging each other for who we are

We are very different people
And we have very different interests
And you pretend to understand physics
And I pretend to understand computer... things
And everything is wonderful
And you are wonderful



Oh my gosh Ebony, stop writing about your fucking boyfriend, we get the picture.

Let's void some warranties, my love

the worth of anything

I don't want to be the person that bugs you to talk to me anymore, that saves our conversation from peril. You aren't that important. I would rather play with my neopets.

And I've realised that maybe I made the wrong decision with you and I should have given you more of a chance. I just can't do this forever. At some point, enough is enough.

I'm sorry for getting angry at you but I'm more that you didn't care. You never care. You get pissed off, but you don't care. For once in your goddamn life, give a fuck about someone else.

"Don't be humble. You're not important enough."
I like that. I like it a lot.

And I don't know if you're modest or crazy. Maybe I just want to be you...

So you say "it's a date" and he says "no it's not it's an appointment"...

Maybe all our loneliness is just an illusion
And I could say the same about our happiness...

Sometimes life does something utterly amazing like give you a book or introduce you to someone and it's like the planets have alligned for you.
But I do take this as an indicator of what should be.
An extension on an assignment doesn't mean you leave it to the last minute...
A conversation with a friend doesn't mean you stop living your own life.

How can I be there for you when I'm so busy being there for myself?

How can anything be worth anything if it lasts forever?

Social Butterfly

So I was discussing life and the deeper parts of the universe with someone the other day (as you do) and it came up that I consider myself anti-social.

You may process that for a moment.

You see, when I am with other people, I am friendly and I am outgoing and I make an effort to meet people, talk to people, help people. I make an effort to be present.
But when people aren't there in person, I make no effort whatsoever.
I see my high school friends at birthdays if I'm lucky.
I never see my uni friends except for uni.
Hell, I barely see my dad.
Even the people I have classes with now, I don't talk to them except about uni work.

I don't talk to people.
I don't like people.
I am antisocial.

Such a weird realisation, isn't it?

I mean, I'm the person who gets excited when plans get cancelled.
And I thought that that was laziness.
But it's not.
I just don't like people.
I don't like hanging out with people.

I think, I like practical things too much.
I like discussing uni work with people.
I like teaching people.
I like discussing my thoughts on society with the Australian Nerdfighter group.
I don't like actually maintaining relationships.
So much effort.

Have a good day,

Complexities

"Let me submit to you that this is the actual definition of a good life. You want to be the kind of person who other people—people who may not even born yet—will think about in their own silences years from now at their own commencements... We may be taught that the people to admire and emulate are actors and musicians and sports heroes and professionally famous people, but when we look at the people who have helped us, the people who actually change actual lives, relatively few of them are publicly celebrated. We do not think of the money they had, but of their generosity. We do not think of how beautiful or powerful they were, but how willing they were to sacrifice for us—so willing, at times, that we might not have even noticed that they were making sacrifices."
John Green, Commencement Address at Butler University, 2013

A billion universes just wanting to be left alone

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with our friendship to joke that we were on a date. I'm just not sure if I feel that comfortable yet. Maybe I am distancing myself from you because I don't want you to get the wrong idea? A year ago I would have been willing to go along with all of it, but things have changed since then. People have changed since then.
I like that you think I'm an essential part of your life, and that you should take me with you everywhere; you should. I like to think that I could be the voice inside your head. What is it like in your head?

---

What is it like to be in any head besides my own? The realisation that other people have lives as vivid and complex and important as my own is one which it has taken a while to make. Perhaps it is a slow realisation for everyone because it is not how humans think, or how they should thinnk. The sense of self is an extremely important part of our species' evolution as it has taught us to prioritise our own lives and feelings and needs ahead of those of others, making the stronger of us dominant. Whilst this is an ideal condition, there is something to be said for empathy.
Which I suppose is the largest conflict in my head at the moment; the entire purpose of life, in a round-about sort of way. Do we want to better society or better understand society? Do we want to give a man a fish or teach him to fish? Do we want to catch a single fish by accident, or learn the art of fishing?
Or.. do we just want to eat meat?

Maybe my life would be easier if I didn't think it was all such a huge fucking metaphor.

Thank you and goodnight.

In the Park

So, Anzac Day has always been this crazily important day for me, and it's getting moreso as the years go by. Initially it was just the anzac march thing, and then the anzac biscuit thing and then the footy and now all the little traditions we have, down to the tiny details that seem incredibly insignificant.

And I love that. I love all the crazily excessive stuff we do, I love that the traditions have built when my family has been falling apart and I love that Anzac day is such a special thing for me. As I tend to put it, it's as close to a religious holiday as I get.

This year, again, it was a beautiful day of happiness and sadness and shock and pride and all the feels. I never want to stop feeling what I feel and how I feel it. I never want to stop being the girl who cries at uni as she reads a book about the most beautiful book ever written. Oh to feel this utter joy.

---

Which brings us to the nerdfighter gathering today (a transition you can't see because you don't understand the significance of failing families and religious contexts to nerdfighteria, and you don't have to[fuck off google chrome, nerdfighter is a word! It's a thing, ok?]). The gathering was sunshine and music and chatting and costumes and bear hugs with people I've never met. It was holding hands as we put money in the collection bucket and laying on the grass together. It was feeling at home and comfortable with people that most would consider total strangers to me. It was evaluating the importance of music to society and discussing hsc subjects and nerdfighter like and everything that is good. It was seeing people I haven't seen since primary and making tentative plans with people from other countries who'd better keep their asses in Sydney long enough to have coffee with me. It was being on someone's list. It was lying on the ground to see someone's face to check if they were ok, even though we've never met.

The nerdfighter gathering was everything I love about the world and everything I love about Sydney. It was everything I love about science and everything I love about education. It was explaining the concept of triple integrals and discussing different forms of intelligence. It was a reminder of what it is to have privilege and to want to eradicate privilege from the world. It was having best friends whilst being completely alone.

I hope that over time I attend many more of these beautiful gatherings and meet many more wonderful people and nerdfighter noobs. I hope I never forget to be awesome.

Goodnight my sweets.

Reasons I love you

I don't love you for the butterflies in my stomach, or the flutter of my heart when you whisper in my ear. It's not the stretch of your shirt as you reach for the top shelf or the way the light hits your eyes on the bus to uni. It's not the smile on my face when I see the message is from you, or the inside jokes we have. It's not for the way you cuddle me between games in CoD or the way you shoot people trying to kill me, even though you know I'll tell you off for taking my kill. It's not because you cook me dinner when I go over after work, and serve it in one big bowl with two forks. It's not because we have identical taste in jewellery, or because you watch home shows with me and my mum. It's not because, after all this time, you feel what I've been feeling and you want a stronger commitment. I don't love you for the happy tears you make me cry, the overwhelming, I-have-never-known-joy-like-this-before tears. It's not because we're both addicted to the same colour at the same time, or because we're always thinking the same thing. It's not because you always know when I'm upset and you wipe the tears from my eyes before I know they're there. It's not when you buy the t-shirt I pick out and I buy the jacket you pick out.

It's because, when I get sad, really sad, depressed about my life direction and my place in the world, unmotivated to wake up in the morning, when I want to give up on everything, I talk to you. And I love being me, all over again. Because you give me purpose, and direction, and get me excited about my life. Because when my world is falling apart, and I feel like I can't take it anymore, I feel my pocket vibrate, and you remind me that you're thinking of me.

I love you in an over-the-top, unfathomable way.
I love you in a way that I can't figure out how to put into words.
I love you like a bee loves honey. Without the regurgitation part. With the shelter and the well-being and the co-dependence part.
I love you.


I have to stop writing now and go and study for midsems, oh life is so hard. ;)

Terms and conditions

1. We will be honest about everything, we will tell each other everything.
2. When things become difficult, we will work through them, we will not give up easily, we will talk about everything.
3. If we feel ourselves drifting apart, we will tell each other, and we will try to figure out a way to change it.
4. If we develop little crushes on other people, we'll tell each other. But we won't make them into a big deal.
5. If we fall out of love, we will tell each other.
6. We are not expecting a forever, or even the rest of our lives. For now is good. For now is right.
7. We will support each other through everything, through all the stresses in life, from uni to work to crazy families.
8. When things about you start to annoy me or vice versa, we will tell each other.

I love you.

Just close your eyes

Don't say it doesn't hurt when it does.
For, everyone who came before you let it hurt.
Everyone is allowed a bad day.
A bad week.
A bad life.
Let it hurt.
It's allowed to hurt.
Let yourself be angry.
Let yourself scream in pain.
Even the happiest people have sad days.

---

Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
It's as blue as your blue goodbye
And I thought that it would rain
The day you went away...

---

You do not want me to be hurt.
And I do not want to be hurt.
But you feel a phantom pain.
I am ok.
And you being hurt for me hurts me.
And... I think... you know that.
You know that you are hurting me above all.
And yet you persist.
I cannot fathom why...

---

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

---

You have to let the world keep spinning.
And you say "But what is the point?
With every spin comes another birth, another death, another heartache.
Every spin brings another moment of pain, loss of trust, another parent burying a child.

And maybe we don't know the point.
But every other birth is just as deserving as our own.
Every heartache is as deserving as the first one we ever felt.
Every moment of pain is allowed as much as our lowest point.

So we don't stop the world, we let it spin.

---

Let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you.

---

Sometimes when I'm walking around by myself I think about you and I cry.
I can't even remember the things I miss about you.
I love you more than I ever told you.
More than I ever knew.
I love you so much it tears me apart that I can't have you.
I love you like photosynthesis loves light energy.
And I don't know how to continue to be without you.

I wanted to tell him that night that I couldn't remember properly,
but I didn't.
I thought it would hurt him.
I realise now that it wouldn't.
He's amazing.
And I'm the weirdo who cries in the middle of the street.
If I could just have you back.
Just for one day...
I miss your smile and your laugh and the way you said my name.
If I could have one more hug...

---
I waited too long
To tell you how much it matters
Just to be right here with you
But I couldn't think of anything better
I should have told you so

---

When I was so upset that you were never happy, I never realised how happy I was.
Now you're ecstatic with joy and fucking hell I miss you.
Because when you were sad, you came to me for cheering up.
And now you never come to me.
And I don't have time for you.
And I just want to curl up next to you and go back to how things used to be.
When you were sad.
And I wasn't such a selfish bitch.

---

Time is never spare

Just quickly blogging because I have a little bit of spare time before bed.
I'm pretty excited for easter this year, I've bought both my presents awesome chocolate, and having been sharing eggs with everyone at uni. It feels good. :-)
I also love the idea of a few days off to uni to breathe and get ahead and study for exams that are on as soon as we get back.
I'm kind of a bit over people lately... Some people are so pretentious or mean or hypocritical and I don't want to point it out but I don't want to deal with their crap either. I mean, the bullshit isn't as bad at uni as it was it school, but it's still bullshit. I kind of just want to get out of uni, get a job, and get on with my life.
And speaking of getting on with my life, I want to get on with it with you. Two years on and I still get butterflies when you cuddle up to my neck on the way home. The light hitting your eyes still makes my heart skip a beat, and sometimes you look so beautiful I can't help but kiss you. I joke that if I help you with uni, you owe me your career and have to buy me a puppy, but I truly hope that you stay with me long enough to buy a house and a dog and do all the things we dream of doing.
Good night! Happy easter! Go and stuff your faces with chocolate

Funny...

It's funny how things happen...
One minute you're cuddling on the lounge watching NCIS:LA and the next you're addicted to pokemon blue. Addicted in that sad, terrible way that makes you not want to leave the house, or get out of bed, or shower. The way that makes you hate everyone around you for interrupting your training, the way that makes you long for the holidays to never be over. That makes you lose concentration when driving because your boyfriend has his tablet out and you're interested in his battles.
But I still don't know...
If it's the way that makes you hate everyone around you. Because I do. And I don't know why. For a girl who used to feel so much love, I now feel so much hate, so much anger. And I joke that I only have two friends. But I feel that that is true. The friend who you call when you have a car crash, crying to. And the friend that is there next to you, holding you, drying your eyes. Trying not to be mad.

I mean, sure, there are other people in my life. the people I text as we weave our way through peak hour traffic on Pennant Hills road.The people I get excited to see at parties, and the people I DNM about life boys with. But, as mum puts it, I don't have friends I see every few weeks.Which is apparently the normal length of time to go without seeing "friends". And here I thought it was twelve months...

---

But, I'm happy. I'm happy with the two friends I do have, and I'm happy with hating everyone else instead of hating myself. I'm happy with my life, and how things are going with it... I'm happy with where my life is going.
I've also started reading again these holidays, which is lovely, and I miss it.
So goodbye, for now. I will go and be happy.

The future

"Oh I'll have to give you my number
I don't know if the stars will be this kind to me again"
And so you think it is the fate of the stars that brings you luck
I must tell you, that the fate is not within your stars, but in yourself
That you are every kindness you feel for the stars
That your every comforting word is the word of an angel.
And so we speak of our existential now
And who we are as a whole, not individuals
Isn't life funny? The way things go...
---
And I quietly beg you not to let me fade into the background of your life. I don't want to be the girl you met that time that you never saw again.
I'm not sure we can be friends how we used to be, things are different now. But I'd like to see you every now and then...
I'll miss telling you how silly you are.
I don't even know if I had a crush on you...
---
And on that day
The rain smelt of vegemite and twisties
And the way I used to kiss you
Like nothing else mattered
In my whole world
Because I had you and
You had me
And that's all we needed.
And the rain stops and I come back to reality, flirting with the idea of beig your friend.
But I don't have friends.
I don't even know what they are.
But my third best friend is an author that doesn't even know I exist.
What an affliction...
---
A withered past and a blurry future
My heart's on an auction, it goes out to the highest bid...

Day thirty-two

Woke up, went to breakfast, got ready and hit the shops. Venetians have completely amazing masks and we spent hours looking at them. They also have really special glass that they sculpt amazingly into heaps of shapes so we looked at those too. We made our way up to the Rialto bridge and looked down the grand canal and then found a nice spot on the water to eat lunch.

After lunch we walked back to our hotel, stopping to buy a few gifts on the way. We chilled out/slept/facebooked/looked for cars online for a few hours before going out to have a gondola ride. Our driver was the coolest thing ever, he told us all about the canals, and whistled/sang the whole time. He even posed for our stupid photos.

After the ride we went to find somewhere to eat dinner and bought a few more things before going back to our hotel. Looked at a few more cars, made a pro con list, and went to bed.

Day thirty-one

A quickie because I’m behind schedule. Woke up, packed, checked out. Went to the same breakfast place as yesterday. I ate a nutella crepe (I know, it’s very bad of me, I took lacteeze and panadol though.) We walked to a Pandora store and bought mum an Eiffel Tower charm, then walked back to the beach and sat under a shade cloth with cocktails again.
After pampering ourselves, we went back to get our luggage, and caught a cab to the airport so we could finally leave for Venice. The only food at the airport contained gluten, so yeah, I ate it again, and yeah, I took panadol, and yeah, I know that’s not a miracle cure. We also bought chocolate to eat on the plane, don’t judge me. But I ended up sleeping on the plane, I don’t even remember it really, so now we just have chocolate.
Once at Venice, it was a mission getting to the hotel, eventually got a (really expensive) water taxi. But we got here, and we checked in, and the guy asked for our passports and asked where our last name came from and decided to speak to us in Spanish because it’s so much easier for him. I thought we would avoid the whole Spanish thing once we left Spain but apparently not! But we understood everything he said anyway, because he didn’t really use big words, so it’s all good :)
We went for a bit of a wander before finding a place to eat, the streets here aren’t actually big enough for cars and it’s kind of trippy that every street is tiny and also that there aren’t main roads, just main canals. Plus, there’s no place where you really feel the size of Venice, because there’s no general place of congregation of tourists, just lots of little side streets.
Anyway, Nikki and I went “back to the hotel” and dad got coffee and Eli and Montxo skyped us and we stumbled through a conversation with them, even though the sound was low quality and we were speaking Spanglish. After skyping, we went to sleep. A good sleep.

Day thirty

Woke up pretty late (becoming habit) and went in search of breakfast. Found a nice café that did omelettes and crepes and the world’s best French fries. After that, we went to the beach and tanned and stayed there for hours and hours sipping cocktails and chilling in the sun and occasionally dipping in the water. We also met some Aussies and shared travel experiences from different cities.

After that, we went back and spent hours getting ready to go out to the casino at Monte-Carlo. We walked to the train station in high heels (Nikki complained) and caught the train to another freaking country, and had amazing views of the Mediterranean Sea. We got out and walked along the beach looking at multi-million dollar boats, and eventually walked up to the casino.

It was very beautiful and we took photos and then went and had dinner just outside, and bought some souvenirs. After dinner, we went inside and had cocktails in a room with a mosaic ceiling, surrounded by sculpted angels “holding” massive chandeliers. Oh, and everything was painted in gold. It was incredible. Even the bar was made out of a massive mosaic.

After our glorious drinks, we went out to play the poker machines and we spent about an hour on $20 so we felt like we were doing well. Then dad wanted to play roulette and he lost $30 in 5 seconds. Legend.
We caught a taxi "back to the hotel" so we wouldn’t have to do much walking and it cost 90 euros which is crazy expensive but you know, it was a Mercedes, so that was nice. When we got "back to the hotel", we crashed, knowing we had to be up the next day for checkout.

Day twenty-nine

Woke up reasonably early, had a shower, had a nice breakfast and packed up all our crap. Suitcase is unfortunately getting heavier (too many souvenirs. Jokes, I just bought a jacket) and the weight will begin to be an issue in around Vennice. Woo hoo.

We left our suitcases at reception and went in search of starbucks. Which we found! It made me so happy to have my mocha blanc frappuccino for the first time in weeks. Then we went on an almighty walk to the beach which was completely crowded, partially with topless women which is always interesting… We sat on the beach and a drink and admired the waves and realised that Sydney is better… And then we walked all the way back home. Along the way we stopped at the Sports Bar we had dinner at a couple of nights ago and had BBQ ribs and paella again, last meal in Spain. We also watched the end of the Tour de France which was anticlimactic…

We went back to our hotel, got our luggage, and caught a taxi to the airport, where we chilled out for hours doing stuff all before our plane decided to leave 25minutes late but I fully got to see the sunset over the horizon so that was gorgeous.

Eventually, we arrived in Nice and oh my gosh it is so beautiful. Everything is luxurious and big and beachy and we’re right next door to two casinos. (Plus, when we got the airport, there was a guy there with our name on a sign so now we’re those people and I can cross that off my bucket list.) But everyone speaks French and I was just getting used to Spanish and Catalan :(

Anyway, we had a quick meals at maccas and then looked at the beach for a second (it has rocks instead of sand, weird) before walking home and going to bed. Glorious bed.

Day twenty-eight

Woke up late because we slept late (I didn’t mention the 1am maccas run for coffee, but it happened). Went out in search of juice for a breakfast/snack and a burger king for lunch (to make dad happy).

After that, we took a cab to the Sacred Family, a church that started construction a hundred years ago and still isn’t finished. It was pretty and all, but it looked very obviously to have been constructed in different time periods and many years apart. Parts showed signs of wear whereas others looked brand new, and it just didn’t really work. But good job Barcelona, I’m sure you tried hard.

We went and looked at some markets just outside the Sacred Family and I dropped a glass ornament, so now I have one that looks how it’s meant to, and one that has been dropped on the concrete outside the Sacred Family so it’s like an extra special souvenir, rather than a piece of crap… Or that’s what I tell myself anyway.

We had a coffee outside the church and then caught the metro to another part of Barcelona that dad wanted to check out. There was a beautiful art gallery but no one was bothered to walk up the stairs and thankfully we found an escalator. Once at the top, we just kind of walked around the gallery and looked at the view, because no one wanted to go in. After that we walked around everywhere and eventually found our way back to the hotel.

We chilled for a few hours (dad slept) and then we went out looking for dinner. We weren’t very hungry so we just found a place that sold tapas and had a few before hitting maccas for sundaes and cappuccinos. After walking around a little more, we came back home.

Should sleep now because we have to be up, packed, and out by midday tomorrow which sounds late, but in Spain, nothing is late.

Day twenty-seven

Woke up shit early and had a shower. Then Nikki fell down on the bathroom floor because she’s so sick so dad looked after her and I packed her bags. And my own. And then we left to go to the train station, where half our family showed up to say goodbye. Eventually, we got on the train and trekked four hours to Barcelona.
Once here, we went around looking in shops for a few hours, didn’t really have much to do, and found an awesome fresh food market for lunch. We looked at around four million souvenir shops and most of us ended up buying something so it was allworth it in the end. We also walked past a guy who was painting really intricate pictures with spray paint, which is an extraordinary and fascinating concept. After we stood there for less than ten minutes and watched him paint a complete picture, I felt like I had to buy it. And I’m glad I did, it’s beautiful (even if I can see where he stuffed it up).
After that we found the place we decided to have dinner at but no one was hungry because it was only around 7 and we’re used to Spain time now so we went back to the hotel and I facebooked and studied (12 hours of lectures in a week, uni has been back for a week. Holy shit) until I decided it was time for a study break/dinner. So we went back to the Sports Bar for dinner and the menus were in English and Catalan but not Spanish which we all found surprising and a little awkward considering we always order in Spanish and we had nothing to read when we ordered…
But the food was delicious and I stole dad’s ribs and he stole my paella and we all went home happy and I studied a crap tonne more and now I think it’s bedtime. Goodnight sunshines.

PS: These are getting shorter because I’m lazier/have less time now that uni’s back. You’re welcome ;)

Human beings considered collectively

Happy birthday Lito, it was wonderful meeting all your friends and family. Particularly Nene, who looks and acts so much like you it’s scary, was it hard to leave that all behind? The family you could rely on to always be there for you and help you through life. Was it hard to go out on your own and make a new life with no one there for you? I’m sure that what you did was best for your family and they’re so grateful, I’m so grateful, I wish you could see…

1. You tell everyone like it’s some colossal joke and maybe it was funny to start with but it’s not anymore, I don’t know what else to do, what else to be…
2. I’m sorry for getting too close to you and freaking you out and making you hate me. I do this practically everyday. It gets monotonous, even boring, but never stops hurting (like heartbreak).
3. I’m sorry for being too distant from you and freaking you out and making you hate me. I don’t know how to be close to you because I want you to be happy and everytime I fail to make you happy I hate myself so it’s easier to just not talk to you. Because I am a coward. And I’m sorry for that.
4. I’m sorry for never finding the time for you but I’m so busy and it’s not as easy as you think. I know I’m a constant disappointment to you and I have been all my life and nothing I ever do will change that.
5. You annoy me so much and I know you can tell but I annoy you too so everything works out in the end. Why can't all my relationships be as simple as you? Thanks for always being there, even when I don't want you. I love you more than life.

Day twenty-six

A lazy day, last day in Pamplona. Woke up, skyped mum, Damian rang, I packed my suitcase, facebooked Damian. We left the house at around 3 to go shopping again (I bought a San Fermin shirt) then went and had goodbye drinks with the family. Heaps of people showed up, we spent hours there, had churros (enough so that I will regret it later), had dinner, watched a protest in the streets about the government, came home. The last time we will see a fair few people but a lot will come to the train station tomorrow. Sad to be leaving Pamplona, but lots of nice memories here too.

Day twenty-five

Woke up terribly late, it was wonderful, showered and got ready to go for a drive up to a castle in Ayegui. It was crazy hot outside, like, 34 degrees, so we kind of roasted as we walked around the castle, then we went to visit Tia Javiera to say goodbye. Karmen’s grandmother, Avelina, also came over in her wheelchair, but her memory is fading, so although she remembered my grandfather, she couldn’t comprehend who we were. Javiera, however, just kept hugging Nikki and I and saying how much she wanted to keep us, which was kind of adorable :)
After that we had a quick lunch and then headed back to Pamplona to do some tourist shopping. Which, for me, meant eating ice cream and bitching about Nikki buying a dress that totalled 60cm in length, the bottom 20cm of which had enough holes in it to be see through.
Anyway, whatever, after that we went to Eli’s parents’ house for dinner and watched the basketball (Spain vs. Australia) and felt severely conflicted about who to cheer for haha. Then we came home and I facebooked for forever and then fell asleep eventually.

Day twenty-four

Woke up in an empty house, so depressing, and packed stuff to go to Artajona, a town just out of Pamplona. Dad’s cousin, Alfonso, came to pick us up at around 12 to take us there to his house (one of them).there we met his 15 year old daughter, Karmen, who is an absolute angel and is fairly fluent with English so we had an easy time talking to her.
We went with Alfonso and Karmen to visit a few aunts and uncles on dad’s dad’s side of the family, and then went to a big Larrea lunch. There we met a few other aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc, and were completely overwhelmed again. Karmen is sort of the only one in the family to speak English so she acted as their translator all day. But we found out that we have a lot in common, she speaks very loud, very fast, very often, and with her hands. Like a Spanish Ebony. Also, I’ve gotten to the point in my trip where I no longer say “Spanish” to describe language, I always get more specific, which makes me feel like a Spain snob.
After lunch we went to visit two cousins on the Flamarique side who think Nikki looks like Aunty Lucy and I could pretty much keep up with 90% of their conversations. Also, some other relatives from earlier in the week came out to join us one last time so we could say goodbye to them and it was all sweet and beautiful and sad.
Oh and just saying, I have a second cousin once removed that looks like Greg Bird, even though he’s only thirteen. It’s pretty cool :)
After that we came home, hung out with Karmen and Yoseba (a cousin from the lunch during the day) for a few hours and then went to bed.

Day twenty-three

When we woke up, Inigo had already left for camp, but I attacked Eli and Montco with hugs because they were leaving very soon.
After they left, we all showered and got ready and were picked up by Ana-Mari, one of dad’s cousins, and her husband. They took us to their mother’s house and she went nuts over seeing us and it was cute.
Then Ana-Mari and her husband took us on a bit of Pamplona, showing us the old defences and some of the shops and the place that makes the best tortilla. We had a drink with them and then went back to the aunty’s house for lunch, and also met her other son (the father of Oihane, who we went out with the other day).
So we had lunch with all of them and the paella was amazing and we had ice cream cake afterwards and it was the best food known to man. Also, Ana-Mari’s son Aritz showed up and we told him to come to Australia and he said he would but he needed to save money (like everyone else in Spain, it’s pretty tough here now) and then we left and came home to get ready to go out again.
Eli’s brother, Mikel, and his wife, Susanna, took us for a trip up a mountain to an art exhibition done by a friend of theirs. It was actually really good art with beautiful bold colours and dad considered buying one of the paintings for like 3000 euros and I told him that he was nuts and then we left.
We continued up the mountain and stopped for a drink and a chat and then went back down the mountain a bit to where we ate dinner. The restaurant was owned by other friends of Mikel and Susanna and they gave me the recipe of some of their gluten free biscuits so now I’m happy.
After that we went home and crashed, another long day.

Day twenty-two

Dad woke us up to see if we wanted to go to a witch festival with him but we were too tired so we just kept sleeping. I woke up at around 11 and blogged, showered, ate breakfast, called Damian.
We went out to lunch at dad’s uncle’s house and that was really awesome. It was kind of a goodbye lunch to us from everyone at Ayegui. The lunch was really good, and afterwards dad’s cousin pulled out an old photo album with pictures of him last time he visited (twenty four years ago) and yeah, he was adorably cute. Also, a few of dad’s uncles started singing after lunch like they always do and that was fantastic. After that, we went on a little trip up a nearby mountain to see the view of Ayegui and some neighbouring towns, it was fantastic. Iker rode his bike up the mountain but got tired halfway and jumped in someone’s boot, with the boot open, dragging his bike on the floor the whole way. Only in Spain :)
After that, we visited the wine museum briefly, and then went back to Jose’s to pack our stuff and say goodbye to everyone before going back to Pamplona.
Even though it had only been a few days, I missed Eli and Montxo like crazy and gave them a zillion hugs when I saw them. It was our last meal with them too, so it was really special and we ate tim tams afterwards and everything was fantastic. Except Inigo doesn’t like chocolate and wouldn’t eat it no matter what I did, crazy child.
After that, Nikki and I hung out with Inigo for a bit because I wouldn’t let him to go to bed and I hugged him over and over again and then we said goodbye for a few years and I gave him a koala and he went crazy over how cute it was and then we all went to sleep. Bittersweet.