In the Park

So, Anzac Day has always been this crazily important day for me, and it's getting moreso as the years go by. Initially it was just the anzac march thing, and then the anzac biscuit thing and then the footy and now all the little traditions we have, down to the tiny details that seem incredibly insignificant.

And I love that. I love all the crazily excessive stuff we do, I love that the traditions have built when my family has been falling apart and I love that Anzac day is such a special thing for me. As I tend to put it, it's as close to a religious holiday as I get.

This year, again, it was a beautiful day of happiness and sadness and shock and pride and all the feels. I never want to stop feeling what I feel and how I feel it. I never want to stop being the girl who cries at uni as she reads a book about the most beautiful book ever written. Oh to feel this utter joy.

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Which brings us to the nerdfighter gathering today (a transition you can't see because you don't understand the significance of failing families and religious contexts to nerdfighteria, and you don't have to[fuck off google chrome, nerdfighter is a word! It's a thing, ok?]). The gathering was sunshine and music and chatting and costumes and bear hugs with people I've never met. It was holding hands as we put money in the collection bucket and laying on the grass together. It was feeling at home and comfortable with people that most would consider total strangers to me. It was evaluating the importance of music to society and discussing hsc subjects and nerdfighter like and everything that is good. It was seeing people I haven't seen since primary and making tentative plans with people from other countries who'd better keep their asses in Sydney long enough to have coffee with me. It was being on someone's list. It was lying on the ground to see someone's face to check if they were ok, even though we've never met.

The nerdfighter gathering was everything I love about the world and everything I love about Sydney. It was everything I love about science and everything I love about education. It was explaining the concept of triple integrals and discussing different forms of intelligence. It was a reminder of what it is to have privilege and to want to eradicate privilege from the world. It was having best friends whilst being completely alone.

I hope that over time I attend many more of these beautiful gatherings and meet many more wonderful people and nerdfighter noobs. I hope I never forget to be awesome.

Goodnight my sweets.

Reasons I love you

I don't love you for the butterflies in my stomach, or the flutter of my heart when you whisper in my ear. It's not the stretch of your shirt as you reach for the top shelf or the way the light hits your eyes on the bus to uni. It's not the smile on my face when I see the message is from you, or the inside jokes we have. It's not for the way you cuddle me between games in CoD or the way you shoot people trying to kill me, even though you know I'll tell you off for taking my kill. It's not because you cook me dinner when I go over after work, and serve it in one big bowl with two forks. It's not because we have identical taste in jewellery, or because you watch home shows with me and my mum. It's not because, after all this time, you feel what I've been feeling and you want a stronger commitment. I don't love you for the happy tears you make me cry, the overwhelming, I-have-never-known-joy-like-this-before tears. It's not because we're both addicted to the same colour at the same time, or because we're always thinking the same thing. It's not because you always know when I'm upset and you wipe the tears from my eyes before I know they're there. It's not when you buy the t-shirt I pick out and I buy the jacket you pick out.

It's because, when I get sad, really sad, depressed about my life direction and my place in the world, unmotivated to wake up in the morning, when I want to give up on everything, I talk to you. And I love being me, all over again. Because you give me purpose, and direction, and get me excited about my life. Because when my world is falling apart, and I feel like I can't take it anymore, I feel my pocket vibrate, and you remind me that you're thinking of me.

I love you in an over-the-top, unfathomable way.
I love you in a way that I can't figure out how to put into words.
I love you like a bee loves honey. Without the regurgitation part. With the shelter and the well-being and the co-dependence part.
I love you.


I have to stop writing now and go and study for midsems, oh life is so hard. ;)

Terms and conditions

1. We will be honest about everything, we will tell each other everything.
2. When things become difficult, we will work through them, we will not give up easily, we will talk about everything.
3. If we feel ourselves drifting apart, we will tell each other, and we will try to figure out a way to change it.
4. If we develop little crushes on other people, we'll tell each other. But we won't make them into a big deal.
5. If we fall out of love, we will tell each other.
6. We are not expecting a forever, or even the rest of our lives. For now is good. For now is right.
7. We will support each other through everything, through all the stresses in life, from uni to work to crazy families.
8. When things about you start to annoy me or vice versa, we will tell each other.

I love you.

Just close your eyes

Don't say it doesn't hurt when it does.
For, everyone who came before you let it hurt.
Everyone is allowed a bad day.
A bad week.
A bad life.
Let it hurt.
It's allowed to hurt.
Let yourself be angry.
Let yourself scream in pain.
Even the happiest people have sad days.

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Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
It's as blue as your blue goodbye
And I thought that it would rain
The day you went away...

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You do not want me to be hurt.
And I do not want to be hurt.
But you feel a phantom pain.
I am ok.
And you being hurt for me hurts me.
And... I think... you know that.
You know that you are hurting me above all.
And yet you persist.
I cannot fathom why...

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Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

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You have to let the world keep spinning.
And you say "But what is the point?
With every spin comes another birth, another death, another heartache.
Every spin brings another moment of pain, loss of trust, another parent burying a child.

And maybe we don't know the point.
But every other birth is just as deserving as our own.
Every heartache is as deserving as the first one we ever felt.
Every moment of pain is allowed as much as our lowest point.

So we don't stop the world, we let it spin.

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Let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you.

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Sometimes when I'm walking around by myself I think about you and I cry.
I can't even remember the things I miss about you.
I love you more than I ever told you.
More than I ever knew.
I love you so much it tears me apart that I can't have you.
I love you like photosynthesis loves light energy.
And I don't know how to continue to be without you.

I wanted to tell him that night that I couldn't remember properly,
but I didn't.
I thought it would hurt him.
I realise now that it wouldn't.
He's amazing.
And I'm the weirdo who cries in the middle of the street.
If I could just have you back.
Just for one day...
I miss your smile and your laugh and the way you said my name.
If I could have one more hug...

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I waited too long
To tell you how much it matters
Just to be right here with you
But I couldn't think of anything better
I should have told you so

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When I was so upset that you were never happy, I never realised how happy I was.
Now you're ecstatic with joy and fucking hell I miss you.
Because when you were sad, you came to me for cheering up.
And now you never come to me.
And I don't have time for you.
And I just want to curl up next to you and go back to how things used to be.
When you were sad.
And I wasn't such a selfish bitch.

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