On Echo Chambers

The world is full of people who agree and disagree with you. And me. There are millions of people on both sides. But we don't like to think about the people who disagree with us, we like to think that those people are stupid and that we wouldn't bother ourselves with people like that. We like to laugh at the idea of them from afar, without engaging in their debate.

And the internet has become another place for us to surround ourselves with others of our own opinions. We follow facebook pages of political parties and comedians and scientific groups and all sorts of communities that share our ideals. So we can point and laugh at The Other and how silly they must be for their opinions. We unfriend the people who disagree with us until we are sitting in an echo chamber; screaming at people who agree with us.

Because it's nicer to say something and hear "yes! you're right! that's true!" than to hear "well actually I disagree, I don't think that makes sense". So that's what comes up in our newsfeed. People who agree with us. Our social media pages become an echo of the thoughts in our head. They make us feel comfortable and content.



After the Vegas shooting (and oh gosh, I hope when you read this the world has not reached a point where we say "which Vegas shooting?"), my newsfeed changed. I started seeing pages from pro-gun people. I started seeing arguments I'd never heard before. I started to understand why they thought they were being logical. They laughed at anti-gun people just the same. They mocked them - pointed out flaws in their logic. And of course, there are always flaws.

I wonder if Facebook made this choice. If I was some pawn in their game, trying to determine whether my viewing habits changed from this. Or if it was just a mistake in the algorithm. Too many of my friends liking and commenting on these pages that they thought showing them to me was a good idea.

I wonder if it changed the way I converse with these people. I wonder if it made me more tolerant or helped me search for compromise.

I wonder if realising the racism of so many of my friends and family members makes me more tolerant of those people. Or does it make me less tolerant?

I wonder if hearing my family discussing at the dinner table the idea that it's perfectly ok to assault someone if they assault you first will make me a more hateful person or a more accepting person.


...I just want to go back to my echo chamber. Where there is always someone who knows the answer. Where there is wisdom to defer to.

Please let me go back.

The Invisible Light of My Life

So here’s the thing about holding an invisible candle for someone: it’s invisible. And then you seem like the jerk who’s not willing to pick anything up because you’re holding this fucking invisible thing. And you feel this incredible guilt for not making other people and guilt is a thing that I am so familiar with and you think, well, if that person can’t see the candle either and they don’t know you’re putting it down, what’s the problem? But they see. They see because they watch you hold the candle with baited breath and putting it down seems like such a huge step to them and then you go to pick up the candle again after you’ve done your share of the work and it’s not even there anymore. Because you have responsibilities to the world, because saying no to someone is hard, because the candle is so dim and you don’t even know if it will last the trip with such a dull flame, with such a tiny glimmer of hope.

I counted days. I remember that so well. I remember being upset that I lent someone my sharpies and couldn’t update my count. But what was I even counting for? The distance hope that things might change and something might make everything ok. But that was just a dream. Wishes are not horses. For all the things I’ve wished so long and hard about… Now I wish for things I already have not to go away.

Rant #3

Today, Mum said to me "You never spend time with your family anymore. You only do homework and get sick"

Seriously?
Seriously?
That's HER problem?
That I don't have any spare time between doing homework and getting sick?
SHE has a problem with that????
She doesn't think that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I might also find that a little difficult to live with?
That maybe a life of illness and homework doesn't completely piss me off?

Ok, now that I've ranted I need to go and take some medicine and then finish my maths homework. Hopefully, before the Dragons game. Which I hopefully manage to stay awake for even though i start work at 8:30 tomorrow morning. =S

----


PS: I'm sorry =(
I didn't mean... yeah.
I love you.

Chocolate

Confession #1:I'm not really ashamed of myself. I just know that you're ashamed of me. And that hurts.

"Love always find a path, if it doesn't, wasn't Love. "

"Fuck Prince Charming. Be my Spider-man?" – JustAFaceInTheCrowd

please don't be my spiderman. be my chocolate. and i will be your nintendo 64.

Today I am infinite.
I went a tiny little HUGE bit high this arvo after Prad's party.
What? Me? High? Never!
But yea, I was just alittle psycho.
Because I had this song stuck in my head.
And it made me think of you.
And thinking of you makes me smile.
And then I sneezed twice.
And then I just went nuts :L:L
I love you.



I have been trying to convince myself not to rant about you but OMGSH YOU ARE SUCH AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT. I mean, yeah, I like talking to you, sure. But not when you're like that! Because then I feel all bleh on the insides, and then I start questioning my moral fibre (ty hp), and then I go batshit crazy. And it's all because you feel the need to be such a bloody prick and mention things that you know make people feel uncomfortable, but that's why you do it. Because you're crazy and twisted, and want to see how people take it, and how they will react, and I gave you a positive reaction, sure, but I didn't get it.
...And I don't think anyone else even noticed.



SPEAKING of not noticing things.
What. The. Hell?
I can't believe that you are so coldhearted and selfabsorbed to not NOTICE. And worse than that, you told me off. You didn't give a shit, and THEN YOU TOLD ME OFF. Which just backs up my point and it makes me like you less, for not caring at all about me. But I feel GUILTY for liking you less. Because you make me feel like it's my fault that you don't care. And now I keep questioning myself EVERY SINGLE SECOND because I feel like I OWE YOU.
And you know what, you didn't even notice the TOTAL INEQUALITY let alone CARE. No one noticed. No one cared. I can't believe you're all such arseholes.



You are so bloody up yourself. I mean, seriously, you think you're some amazing popular intelligent person and that you deserve all this crap. And truthfully, you don't deserve it. Because quite frankly you're an idiot. And you piss people off. And your friends have started to bitch about you. Yeah, no kidding. And I can't help but join in...



I don't know what I'm supposed to do.




---


Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.

What about what I want?

Confession #17: Today I bought your friendship with a candy cane. And you still teased me, told me to shut up when I made the slightest sound, and called me an idiot at every possible opportunity. And I still understand why I wasted my life on you.

"Happiness or unhappiness is often a matter of choice."

"By the way, i miss you" – amy-k3s-u

Hello there sunshines, and welcome to today.
Yet another day of loneliness and confusion.
Because nothing's really changing, I guess.
And to be perfectly honest, I have nooo idea what's been going on in my head lately. Things are just weird.

(No Ebony, that's just you. You're weird.)

I feel like...
Everything I do is never going to actually be good enough.
Something's always gotta give.
I can't make everyone happy.
But everyone keeps asking me to.
Or else, they tell me they're sad when I'm not around.
Or they tell me they're lonely because I'm never there.
Or they tell me that they don't feel appreciated by me.
But I don't know what I can do.
I can't help you all.
And NONE of you are willing to make compromises for me.
I give you options and you act as if it's some great injustice that YOU have to compromise.
You all think you should be the most important.
YOU CAN'T ALL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT.
And slowly, and steadily, you're draining everything out of me.
And you all say "oh no, don't worry about me, I don't need anything out of you"
AND THEN YOU TELL ME OFF WHEN YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF ME.
I can't do this forever.
It's been so long already.
I'm slowly, steadily, falling apart.

Wish you were here,

My Greatest Adventure

Confession #23: I thought about you for the end of the science exam. It makes me sad. I wish it didn't.

"I am feeling the need to do some drinking. Actually, I’m feeling the need to do some crying, but my tear ducts seem to be too proud, so I am going to do some drinking instead."

"Death; giving life meaning since creation." – coulda.been.a.comet

But I don't really wanna think like that.
It's scary.
I don't know what to do, that's all.
I don't know what's expected of me.
Why is life so bloody hard to deal with?



I've realised that I don't have a problem with my old attitude.
I don't mind if I rant every now and then.
This is my blog, it is my space.
I'm a hormonal bitchy teenage girl. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
And when it's not ranty, it's all lovey dovey. =L
I just mood swing a lot.

I find the prospect of tomorrows to be very hopeful.
I know they tell you to live everyday as if it is your last, but I think that's stupid.
If today was my last day there's no way in hell I would spend 4 hours of it doing exams.
But since I have the rest of my life and all that, I guess it's ok.
Besides, camp next week. =)
Which also happens to include MY BIRTHDAY (again).

I am home.
After everything I've gone through to get here.
I'm home.
I feel... cared about.
Maybe I can actually get something right, while I'm here too.
(No, I don't know why I'm suddenly happy, I think it had something to do with perspective)

I have a feeling one of us has gone completely crazy.
And I'm actually quite certain that it's me.
Which is... a bit of an issue.
To say the least.
But whilst I'm sitting here.
All crazy and all.
I think I might just enjoy it.

PS: I love you.

Miss me.

Confession #13: I just realised that I haven't blogged all week and thus broke my new years resolution. In bloody november =(

"The average person tells 4 lies a day, or 1460 a year a total of 88,000 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is: I’m fine."

"They say I'm like my mother......" - katielea



Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.



I feel like stuffing a huge pillow in my face.
Or whacking myself over the head with something.
I feel like hiding, actually.
Because everything is so much bigger than me.
And I am so small.
I don't even matter.



I'm trying so hard to be better, to do better, to act better.
I'm not so sure I even know what IS better.
What am I comparing it all to?

...what the hell am I even doing?



I know that.
I know they're not the best.
I just don't know what I want from the best.
I don't know what I want from myself.
I don't know where I'm going.
And I don't know who I'm taking.
But you're all welcome to come along for the ride.



And then you mention something that you've been hiding the whole time and there's nothing I can really do but cry because you didn't trust me to know in the first and you definately don't trust me to be able to help and I thought that maybe I was actually good for you but now I realise that I'm exactly what you don't need and nothing I ever do will be good enough for someone as beautiful as you and I know I'm not worth it but I thought I was because I've always put all this effort into doing the right thing before I realise that what I'm doing is wrong and it's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in and in the end I know I'm just going to end up lonely.



I don't even know who would miss me at this stage.
Everyone seems so happy to just walk away and leave me here.
I think people just assume I don't need them.
Because I don't tell them everyday like I used to.
And I want to tell you all how much I need you.
But I'm so embarrassed.
To be tied to something so insignificant.


Ugh, I think I need to go to bed.
Sorry for my ranting.

Failure

There are so many wonderful things about earning my own money. The best of which being the fact that when I have a bad day, I can walk up to Coles and buy a block (or two) or chocolate. And almost not feel guilty. I mean, I did walk there. And today, was a really bad day.

---

“I just…”
Any second now he was going to complete a sentence. He knew I had to go, and he knew I wasn’t going till he got an entire sentence out. Any second… “You just?”
“I don’t like telling you when you upset me”
His words crushed me. Of all the things he could have possibly said. I had hurt him. Right after I promised myself I never would.
“What did I do?”
“The way, you were talking about… him, I just… didn’t know you were still in love with him”
I’d known when I spoke those words that they were going to hurt him. But he asked me to tell him, and I couldn’t just avoid it.
“I don’t love him anymore darling. I just, know that I used to”
I tried to let those words sink in; this was the most important thing I’d ever said to him.
“Yeah, but, I wanted to be the only one. Not the person you love now, or the one you end up with, I want to be the only one”

And he looked so sad. Sitting there. Telling me the truth. Which is something I didn’t do often enough. I rarely even told him when he hurt me. But he was so honest. And I’d honestly hurt him. The one person in my life who I hadn’t hurt in the past week, and suddenly, bam, I had.
I could feel it coming, I was about to breakdown, I had maybe 30 seconds left…
“I have to go now” I said
“Ok…”
“I love you” I meant it, I really meant it
“I love you too”
And as I walked away, I felt the tears begin to pour down my face.

---

...I think I just failed life.

Awesomeness.

I'm back from my trip to Orange.
If anyone cares.
Wait, what's that? You don't? I think I might tell you anyway so :P.
Anyways, it was pretty cool, they have nice coffee and i visited (the graves of) my great-great-great-grandparents (2 sets) and introduced myself. I'm sure they'd like me if they met me.
But being a cemetary it was kinda creepy being there and seeing all these lives that once were. And animals kept moving and making noises and it FREAKED THE CRAP OUTTA ME.
But yeah, I met relatives. Yippee.

---

Oh, and by the way, you must go and check out this awesomelyful blog (it's about time I introduced you guys to a website). There was a really nice post a few days ago, so I'll link you to that. *searches*
To be inspired by awesomeness, please click on me.

---

And now, I rant.
Please ignore the remainder of this blog.

---

It's just gotten to the point where I get hurt everytime I talk to you.
I don't really get why.
I feel like we've hit a wall.
And in order to go through it. I have to get over myself.
And that's just gonna take a little time.

See, I still have this idea that everything in my life is supposed to turn out all sugarcoated and sunshiney. And that people aren't supposed to get hurt, because that's not the way it works. I think I have to get around that idea before I can be satisfied with anything in my life.

Until then, you can just hurt me.

---

I want you to know that I cried myself to sleep everynight this weekend because of you.
Because you don't understand me and I'm starting to doubt if you ever will.
I don't mean half the things I say, you know.
I'm just so confused right now, and I thought that you could understand that.
But you don't.
You never do.
And I'm not going to explain it to you.
Yes, I'm embarrassed by myself.
Shit happens.

---

I'm sorry I've been a complete arsehole lately.
I've actually been an arsehole mainly to you, and I'm sorry about that.
I know you don't deserve it. No one does.
And I'm trying to figure out a way to make it up to you.
But I can't think of anything.
I'll try and work it out though.

Tears and Laughter

sometimes i tell you i miss you, but it means so much more than that. what i mean is that i can't deal without you, and i'm falling apart. and i need you right here beside me because i don't know how much longer i can last without someone to fall into, and to hug, and love, and i'm working myself up about nothing, and you're the only one who can make me chill out, and all it takes are your simple words and sometimes you say 'calm down' and sometimes you say 'take it easy' and by now i've learnt the difference, and i've learnt to trust your simple words, and if i could only have you right here beside me then everything would be just dandy, but i have my own silly little life, and you have your life, and i'm here, and you're there, and that just isn't working out for me...

---

and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.

---

and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.

but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.

---

but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.

Happy Love Drugs.

Hello sunshines,
Today has been another happy day.
Yesterday was a very happy day too. I went a tiny bit high. (Tiny bit being huge)
Anyways, I'm just blogging because, well, I don't often blog when I'm feeling this happy. In fact, I don't often feel this happy.
But the thing is, it's not like I'm any different. And if you're just talking to me on MSN, I don't say anything differently than normal. I just... I'm just smiling.
And even though I'm having some very depressiveful conversations right now, I'm still smiling. And I'm still happy.

Nikki: "Are you taking drugs or something?"
Mum: "How would we even know?"

-----

Little rants:

1. I know your opinion of me will morph as I tell you more about myself. You always seem a little shocked when I tell you about the old me. I guess, everyone does.

2. I really hate it when you treat me like I don't understand anything. I don't want to talk to you anymore. =(

3. You're so silly sometimes, always underestimating me. And it annoys me. But I like it when you figure it out.

-----

SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!
=)=)=)=)
(and we will try not to think about the english/ag assignments until at least the weekend)