Funny...

It's funny how things happen...
One minute you're cuddling on the lounge watching NCIS:LA and the next you're addicted to pokemon blue. Addicted in that sad, terrible way that makes you not want to leave the house, or get out of bed, or shower. The way that makes you hate everyone around you for interrupting your training, the way that makes you long for the holidays to never be over. That makes you lose concentration when driving because your boyfriend has his tablet out and you're interested in his battles.
But I still don't know...
If it's the way that makes you hate everyone around you. Because I do. And I don't know why. For a girl who used to feel so much love, I now feel so much hate, so much anger. And I joke that I only have two friends. But I feel that that is true. The friend who you call when you have a car crash, crying to. And the friend that is there next to you, holding you, drying your eyes. Trying not to be mad.

I mean, sure, there are other people in my life. the people I text as we weave our way through peak hour traffic on Pennant Hills road.The people I get excited to see at parties, and the people I DNM about life boys with. But, as mum puts it, I don't have friends I see every few weeks.Which is apparently the normal length of time to go without seeing "friends". And here I thought it was twelve months...

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But, I'm happy. I'm happy with the two friends I do have, and I'm happy with hating everyone else instead of hating myself. I'm happy with my life, and how things are going with it... I'm happy with where my life is going.
I've also started reading again these holidays, which is lovely, and I miss it.
So goodbye, for now. I will go and be happy.

The future

"Oh I'll have to give you my number
I don't know if the stars will be this kind to me again"
And so you think it is the fate of the stars that brings you luck
I must tell you, that the fate is not within your stars, but in yourself
That you are every kindness you feel for the stars
That your every comforting word is the word of an angel.
And so we speak of our existential now
And who we are as a whole, not individuals
Isn't life funny? The way things go...
---
And I quietly beg you not to let me fade into the background of your life. I don't want to be the girl you met that time that you never saw again.
I'm not sure we can be friends how we used to be, things are different now. But I'd like to see you every now and then...
I'll miss telling you how silly you are.
I don't even know if I had a crush on you...
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And on that day
The rain smelt of vegemite and twisties
And the way I used to kiss you
Like nothing else mattered
In my whole world
Because I had you and
You had me
And that's all we needed.
And the rain stops and I come back to reality, flirting with the idea of beig your friend.
But I don't have friends.
I don't even know what they are.
But my third best friend is an author that doesn't even know I exist.
What an affliction...
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A withered past and a blurry future
My heart's on an auction, it goes out to the highest bid...