The Invisible Light of My Life

So here’s the thing about holding an invisible candle for someone: it’s invisible. And then you seem like the jerk who’s not willing to pick anything up because you’re holding this fucking invisible thing. And you feel this incredible guilt for not making other people and guilt is a thing that I am so familiar with and you think, well, if that person can’t see the candle either and they don’t know you’re putting it down, what’s the problem? But they see. They see because they watch you hold the candle with baited breath and putting it down seems like such a huge step to them and then you go to pick up the candle again after you’ve done your share of the work and it’s not even there anymore. Because you have responsibilities to the world, because saying no to someone is hard, because the candle is so dim and you don’t even know if it will last the trip with such a dull flame, with such a tiny glimmer of hope.

I counted days. I remember that so well. I remember being upset that I lent someone my sharpies and couldn’t update my count. But what was I even counting for? The distance hope that things might change and something might make everything ok. But that was just a dream. Wishes are not horses. For all the things I’ve wished so long and hard about… Now I wish for things I already have not to go away.

We're all just a bunch of magnets

Right now, I am so happy with the person that I am.
I enjoy being me.
And that makes me happy.

(So does seeing little birdies walking along the tops of cars. IT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY, OKAY??)

Anyway, so, I meant to post this ages ago, and it was playing at coles today, so I'm like, yeah, I'll blog that song.

This is who I am, to some extent.
I'm the crazy girl who tells you to smile because the world is a beautiful place, that gets excited in English when I say something remotely intelligent (we call them 'English moment's), I'm the girl who tells you to have a happy ending. Who pesters you about your secrets until you have no choice but to tell me, and then I regret hearing them (I know, I know, I should learn. I don't). I'm the girl who has exact trig ratios and a period table blu tacked above my computer, just in case =L. I'm the girl who will always give you a "leagl buddies hug", and who prefers the letter I to Y, G to J, and K to C. I'm the girl who crazy dances to lady gaga when no one can see me, and who singstars to abba when no one can hear me. I'm the girl who believes you're never too old to cry in a corner. I'm the girl who can lie as if it were the truth and never get caught, but I'd rather be honest. I'm the girl who hopes you miss me as you're looking for yourself out there. I'm the girl who thinks she's a magnet. I'm the girl who just wants to be cared about.

And yet, I'm somehow empty...


Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

I ate an apple

There's no way I haven't blogged for 3 days.
Se impossible.

Confession #8: I still wonder how different my life would be if I had said "yes". I think I like it better like this though.

“A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.”

"Let's live like today never happened." – imissyoutoo

This is it.
This is today.
Today is so different from yesterday.
Today, the sun rose.
Today, the sun set.
Today, I cut my finger.
Today, I ate an apple.
Today, I went to work.
Today, I helped a friend.
Today, I made a friend.
Today, I warmed someone's heart.
Today, I was lonely.
Today, I was never alone.
Today, I felt beautiful.
Because today, I was me.

And tomorrow, I will wake up and do it all again.
Happy today sunshines.

Live it.

Confession #36: I've been waiting till today to cut my nails because my horoscope says if I cut them today I won't lose my vitality.

"You have the responsibility to not remain silent."

"Sometimes I lie without thinking first." – imissyoudearly



Welcome to tomorrow. The day where all your past mistakes are forgiven and your entire future is uncertain. You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday, you didn't really like them that much anyway. Today you get to be whoever you want to be. And you get to make some new mistakes. Mistakes that won't matter tomorrow.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

Sometimes, all you need, is someone to look you in the eye, and tell you you did the right thing. Someone to clap their hands, and tell you that they appreciated the effort they gave. So give too many compliments, but critise the parts of yourself you don't like. Strive, everyday to be a better you. To be the best you. Be who you want to be. Forget what everyone else wants. Live for you.

"You see this O'Malley? I make one mistake with this scalpel and this man's dead. My husband, he makes mistakes at his job all the time. As far as I know he's never killed anyone but I have. And YOU WILL. And Alex did. He made a math mistake and a man died for it. Run that past your accountant - see how he'd feel if every mistake he made, someone ended up dead. You don't have to like Alex, you don't have to care about him, but you damn well have to be on his side."

Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you miss them. Tell someone you can't stand the way they treat you. Leave someone. Find someone new. Stop putting up with crap, and demand better. Every day. Every day is allowed to be the best day. Today is the best day of your life. You just have to believe it.

OMG! AMY'S BACK!

Confession #55: However immature, and worthless it was; it existed. And I can't just forget that.

"I feel like shit. But at least I feel something"

"I over analyze. Therefore, I am." – small.still on a search

All you need is love.
And blogs.
And as I have been offline (=O) for a few weeks, I have had a few blogs to catch up on.
And I thought I'd share the beauty of some of them with you.

STORM by "Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
( Teaser: "Love is what a rainbow sounds like, when it refuses to fear the storm.") (This blog is beautiful guys you HAVE to go read!!)

THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET OFF by "I Wrote This For You"
(Teaser: "You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.")

SLEEP by Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
(Teaser: " You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.") (Ah, but at the end of the day, there are parts of the dance that make it worth it, aren't there?)

I'LL WATCH THE SUNRISE WITH YOU by "Confessions of a Candyhol!c"
(Teaser: "Piglet: "How do you spell love? Pooh: "You don't spell it, you feel it."")

ON BSG, MICHAEL BOLTON & A LITTLE TEAM CALLED THE COLTS by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "I took this week off from blogging. I’m pretty sure the responsible thing to do is to let people know you are taking time off, rather than drop off the blogging universe") (Sound like me, anyone?)

TELL ME I'M NORMAL by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a robot.") (Yes, Brandy, you're totally normal!)

Her man is one I admire
He's so courageous but he's constantly tired
Each time when he speaks his mind
She pats his head and says, "That's all very fine
Exert that will of your own
When you're alone
Now we'd better hurry"
And with no trace of hesitation she keeps going

Head over heels
Breaking her way
Pushing through unknown jungles every day
She's a girl with a taste for the world

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

...Responsibility, it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Maybe if I just continue to steal blog material from other sources, I'll never have to think for myself. And I'll never have to talk about how I feel; admit to myself everything that's wrong.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm currently happier than ever in my life before; I'm just a whinger (wow, and a big fan of semi-colons today). So I, naturally, find things to whinge about. Well, the voice in my head likes to tell me everything that's not good about me and my life, and remind me of stupid things I really don't need reminding of.

Life is a little sunshine and lollipops at the moment. Which is pretty fantabulous. Except, well, little things that I can't really mention. Things that are pretty stupid because I mean like, honestly, it was pretty obvious, wasn't it? And there used to a day when you'd actually notice that sort of stuff but I guess that day has just passed for you.

Not that I'm bitching.... or anything... <>

Not too long ago, on smithteens, we made a list of 100 reasons to smile, which sorta turned into 369 reasons to smile. So now, I'm just going to share a few of them with you. Just in case you need to smile.

13. Drawing something and having it turn out well
55. Air guitar in your underwear when everyone's asleep.
75. Jumping into the ocean with your clothes on
99. Hitting the button to cross the walk multiple times
111. When your hair decides not to do some funky thing.
122. Offering the police some donuts
137. When you suddenly look nice one morning and you have no idea why.
181. Lightsabers
200. Geeky pickup lines
217. When your friends notice something’s wrong
228. Listening to a song that speaks to your soul
279. The perfect pair of jeans
323. Stickers
357. Guys who do really girly things
367. Realizing you never completely gave up on yourself.

So, yeah, I've only been writing for 2 hours, haha. I'm gonna publish this.
Smile.
Ebony loves you!

Fabulous

I may or may not have just published the last post. Approminately 4.7 seconds ago.
I don't that has any relevance to when the next can be started, though, and I'm in the need of a mood swing. So I'm going to be lovey dovey =D=DD. You guys really don't have to read this :L



And sometimes I leave because you're hurting me with your words. and sometimes I leave because I don't want to hurt you with mine. Sometimes I just don't want you to see that I'm crying. Sometimes I leave because the halftime bell rang. Sometimes I leave because we have to go to class. But every single time I walk away, I just wish you'd follow.



You are a beautiful, amazing, selfless human being. And no matter how many times I tell you, you will never believe me. And you maintain that I am embarrassed by you. But you are the best thing to ever happen to me. And I know that I will never deserve you (I'm just hoping you never notice).



And you will never be perfect, because you are perfect for me. Perfect people don't have conversations with their eyebrows, or tell stupid jokes, or talk for hours about trees, and coolosity, and music. Perfect people aren't obsessed with their computers, and the highlight of their week isn't kicking their brother's arse at guitar hero. So thank you so much for never being perfect. Just perfect for me.



Sometimes I think I love you too much, because when you're not there, I get very depressed. Things hurt more when you're not there to hold my hand or hug me. Life can be very painful. Life without you is even worse.

Ciao for now

Confession #29: I stopped writing memoirs when I stopped caring about my opinion.

"i tried to write you a poem today. it didn't work. it was choppy and uneven. and had horrible rythym. free verse was out of the question, but rhyming messed it up. i have come to the conclusion that maybe, words can't describe you. or the way you make me feel. or else, i'm just a terrible poet."

"Vision gets distorted. Blink. Wet cheeks." - InnuendoBatman



Camp tomorrow!
Which means that next time we correspond I shall be 16.
And old enough (and possibly wise enough) to get my Ls.
Aside from the minor issue that I don't have time to go and do the test.



Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
We'll curlourselves up in a blanket
And sip our hot chocolate
And much on our tim tams
And we'll watch the stars
Wrapped in each others arms
Telling our stories.



I'd pay 5 cents to kiss you =)
Goodbye everybody, don't miss me too much.

Even for me.

Confession #43: Okay, I admit it. I am PMSing. =S

"And although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid."

"Screw eloquence. Awkward moments radiate beauty." – theliterarybulimic

I am so sick of these bloody moodswings.
I keep changing for happy to bitchy to hormonal to depressed to self concious, all in a number of minutes.
AND IT IS PISSING ME OFF!



Sometimes life is just sad.
And sometimes you work so hard for something, and in the end, you don't even get what you want. And it's not just something you want, it's something you need. Something you're gonna learn to live without. And maybe that's what growing up is all about. Learning to live without the things that you need.



Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirty, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.



Yeah, actually, I do complain a lot. I'm ungrateful and whiney, and basically not worth it. But when we complain together, now that's something beautiful. All of you is beautiful. I love complaining about things with you because they don't suck anymore. You make everything stop sucking. You make everything beautiful. You made my bad day amazing. You are amazing.



I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...



And I think I'm slowly becoming that person I swore I never would.
The one who doesn't really give a damn about anyone other than herself.
Even the selfless things I do, I do them for selfish reasons.
And I hate who I'm becoming.
And I promised myself I'd change.
And I thought I was doing so well at that.
But turns out... I'm not.



Now imagine feeling all of those emotions in 30 seconds.
STUPID CRAPPY DAY!!!!!!
=S

ps: i love you

Karen is cool!

"Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticise others"

Confession #35: I can't spell criticise, or occassionally. =S

"Someone is always better than you" - soulcages



Today's post is inspired by Karen. She is my bloggy twin. She makes me smile. =) And she thinks I have sexy legs =D



I can't swallow a tablet or whistle. But my sister can't use a canopener, and my mum can't roll an R. And maybe you can't click, or swim, or ride a bike, but it doesn't really matter. There's more to life than being able to click, and it's time we appreciated the important things.
You know what? I give awesome hugs.
And my sister is an amazingly loyal friend.
And you guys are reading my blog!
And that's something all in itself.
Thank you =)



At first she didn't really know what she was getting herself into. She didn't mean to fall in love... not really. But then he started being all amazing and wonderful, and telling her she was special, and making her feel worthwhile. And... after a little while, she started believeing him, until eventually, she couldn't survive without hearing what he had to say. And at some point in time, it went beyond wanting to hear good things about herself, she just wanted to hear what he was going to say next. She just wanted him to know that he was beautiful too. She was just in love with him.



He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.




I'm actually quite terrified of the truth.
She told me the truth today.
She often does.
It makes me want to kill her.
Sometimes, the truth isn't very pretty.
And sometimes, what people think is the truth, is just half a story they will never bother to hear the ending to.
So she can tell me her stupid twisted idea of the truth.
But she is wrong.
They're all wrong.



I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.



I just wanted to personally thank you for ruining my life.
I can never look at myself the same.
I can never be proud of myself.
I'm not sure I can ever love myself.
I am scarred by the very thought of you.
I want to wake up and find out it was all a dream.



Sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't matter for anything.
I care so much about what other people think of me, that I've stopped caring what I think of myself. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I'd rather have everyone else in the world like who I am, than like myself.
And I think I do it all for her.
I've never been good enough.
I've never been right.
I've never lived up to her expectations.
And I want to make someone, anyone proud of me.
But I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.
Because at the end of the day, I don't even like myself.

The Bedroom Door

I guess when they tell you that you've made your bed and now you have to lay in it, they never mentioned that you don't get any second chances. They don't tell you that you're stuck with that bed for life, and every single crease, every single mistake, and every single choice you make about how many pillows, and which stuffed toys you want, you have those choices for life. Everyday you can fix some creases in the bed, but whilst doing that, you crease more of it. And it's never going to sit quite right, and you're never going to want to sleep in it.

And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.

And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.

But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.

Call me crazy.

Don't wonder why people go
crazy, wonder why they don't.
In the face of all we can lose in a
day, in an instant, wonder
what the hell it is that makes us
hold it all together.

---

Don't try to perfect;
just an excellent example
of being human.

---

When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots about to grow
Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
That's alright, my love, cause you're my home

---

Some people hear their own
inner voices with great clearness.
And they live by what they hear.

---

I think scars are sexy
because it means you
made a mistake that
leads to a mess.

---

What we don't let out traps us.
We think, No one else feels this
way, I must be crazy.
So we don't say anything
And we become enveloped
by a deep loneliness, not
knowing where our feelings
come from or what to do with
them. Why do I feel this way?

---

If I'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want
me any other way.

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it may just be a lunatic
you're looking for.

---

My next nervous breakdown is dedicated to you

---

I am not afraid of death. What's it going to do, kill me?

Whenever you smile.

Because I'm a little insane (little! little!) I'm randomly picture blogging again.
My page is going to look mui pretty after this.
But I didn't write any of it :L
A page full of other peoples' pretty thoughts...

Love isn't supposed to be about a moment
Where you looked into a boy's eyes
& felt the world spin from beneath your feet;
it's when you saw in his soul
all the thing that were missing in yours.

I wake up wanting to see you face
I go to sleep wanting you to be there
To sing to me, or hold me throughout the night
I hate fridays and weekends because of you
And I can't get to sleep on sunday nights...

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes, and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light

'Cause when there's you, I feel whole
And there's no better feeling in the world
But without you I'm alone

And I'll be waiting by the window for your smile to come through
and I'll be waiting in the darkness when I call out to you
and I'll remember when you told me
I could trust in you

I believe I can
I believe I will
I believe I know my dreams are real
I believe I'll stand
I believe I'll dance
I believe I'll grow real soon and
That is what I do believe

This is love, isn't it?
When you notice someone's absence, and hate that absence more than anything?
More, even, than you love his presence?

Took my hand, touched my heart
Held me close you were always there
By my side night and day
Through it all baby come what may

We both know we'll grow old from here
Cause together we're strong
In my arms, that's where you belong

I've been touched by the hands of an angel
I've been blessed by the power of love
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine

So... yeah. Most of this is song lyrics today, because most of my thoughts are also in songs, which is kinda cool. Anyways, smile, and steal all my pictures and quotes if they mean something to you. I'll be really glad if they do.

P.S: I need you to know that I thought about you a lot today. I sung about you a lot too, and I think at one stage I started crying. I wish I could talk to you again, I miss you so much. I know I never really cared about you that much, and I feel guilty for that, but I need more time. I can't deal without you. I've only recently realised what you meant to me, and I need you back. Just for a little bit, just one smile. Just one hug. I never got to say goodbye.

When it falls.

I spent a great deal of today surfing the web for Things That Inspire Me. I thought that maybe you guys would like to be inspired too, since I've been so lazy with blogging lately. So here is a collection of inspiration I found.

Sometimes all you can do is play a really loud song, and scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. To grab someone's hand, and dance around the room, singing into your hairbrush. And when they walk away, you cry and cry. Because everything is not going to be okay. But tomorrow, you will wake up, and smile, and pretend. And everything will be a little closer to okay

I will be okay without you. I am strong enough to get over you. Sure, it may take weeks, it may take months, but I will be fine. I will love again. Because you meant a lot to me, but you let me go. Now you get to see me walk away.

You have your little quirks, things you do or say that make me smile, and realise how wonderful you are. As much as I love them, I hate them too. When you break my heart, these are the things that will destroy me.

As long as you're there,

I'm going to be okay.

As long as you're with me,

I'm going to be able to breathe, to smile, to laugh.

And, I may not know it yet,

but at the end of the day,

you're the one I'm forever going to want.

In between the moon and you,

the angels get a better view

of the crumbling difference

between wrong and right.

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love, but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognised, or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

We're all hiding behind something.

Sometimes it's a disguise,

sometimes its a trait,

sometimes we're hiding behind the person that others wish we were.

And maybe we look pretty with our little masks on,

but maybe if we took them off we would be beautiful.

I know it took me a while to teach you the rules, and there were a lot. They involved giving me chocolate, letting me win, and interpreting the difference between "hi" and "hi!" But you learnt them. You learnt them all for me. Part of me wonders why you spent all that time learning, if you were just going to leave me. Part of me knew all along.

You see that sky? It shines just like you!

I dream about you every night. I've spent a lot more time with you in my mind than I have in real life. And that's difficult. But I know the you in my head so well, that sometimes I'm scared you two will do something different. And I'll realise I'm in love with someone who isn't you. But I'm not even having this conversation with you. I'm having it with the you in my mind.

Let's lie in the grass, and make pictures with the clouds.

And when the clouds disappear, we'll count the stars together.

And at the end of the day, our arms will be numb,

and we'll be sore, and have grass all over our clothes.

We'll smell a little bit like each other, though,

and that will make it all worth it.

That, and the goodnight kiss.

Maybe it's not about the happy ending.

Maybe it's about what you do with your time before you get to the end.

Life is like an hourglass.

Sooner or later, everything hits the bottom.

You just gotta be patient and wait for someone to turn it around.

I must be a pretty good liar.

For you to think

That everything is okay

And it seems like a loss somehow

My heart got lost on the way to my head

And my brain celss are dead

And the craziness shows

Now I start to go when the green turns to red

And I should be dead

Thankyou guys for reading my insanity. It sounds strange, but writing all this, and putting myself into other people's positions helps me think. And it lets me work out how I feel. I don't ever really feel anything for myself. I just copy everyone else. When you are sad, I am. When you have a bad day, I have one. When you get angry, I do. Now that I've been everyone else, I can be me again, too.