And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...
I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.
There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...
The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more
Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet
Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early
I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.
Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.
I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Wednesday, 29 April 2015
Sunday, 5 January 2014
#1 Things that shit me
I have some lists...
Because I feel like my mind works better in dot points.
I call this first list
"Things that shit me":
1. Girls. Girls who say “I’m fine” when they’re not fine. Girls who say “it’s ok” when it’s not ok. Girls who get upset with guys for not reading their fucking minds.
2. Men. Men who say “I can change” or “I’m not the person I was”. You haven’t changed, you are the same person, and you shouldn’t be begging for the attention of someone who needs you to change anyway.
3. People who complain about being overweight but eat junk food and refuse to exercise and then tell other people off for being skinny or for telling them not to eat chocolate or whatever.
4. People who can’t use correct grammar. Like not even 100% of the time. I don’t care if you end sentences with prepositions or use commas instead of semicolons. I would, however, like to be able to read what you’re writing. If your sentence is five lines long and it has no commas then you are doing it wrong and we can’t be friends.
5. Religion. Religion and religious people drive me insane and I wish they didn’t but I want to throw up every time someone quotes the bible on facebook. I feel like every horrible thing that has even been has been done with religious intentions. Good intentions, yes, but religious intentions. Like if people stopped caring what god thought and started caring about themselves and each other then maybe the world would be a little nicer.
6. Vegetarians/vegans with a superiority complex that don’t know anything about animal product/bi-product industries. Or that don’t understand anything about animals. Like the thing you don’t understand is that the cow is happy to stand in the field all day and eat grass and then come and eat some grain while it is being milked. It is not a prison cell. It is a home.
7. People that think that time heals all wounds. Some wounds get worse with time. Some hatred deepens with time. Sometimes I don’t need time I need a hug and maybe some chocolate or something.
8. My iPod not allowing me to add new music without deleting all the old music because it has to sync and I’ve had to factory restore my computer since the last time I added music to it and that doesn’t mean I don’t own it, it means you’re being a prick.
9. Moral absolutism. Like you can't be a good person if you've ever done a bad thing or that it can't be a good idea if it comes from a bad person.
10. Having to code the html for this blog by hand because it can't comprehend the concept of copy and pasting formatting from a goddamn word document. Like the base 10 number system is too much for my poor computer.
Because I feel like my mind works better in dot points.
I call this first list
"Things that shit me":
1. Girls. Girls who say “I’m fine” when they’re not fine. Girls who say “it’s ok” when it’s not ok. Girls who get upset with guys for not reading their fucking minds.
2. Men. Men who say “I can change” or “I’m not the person I was”. You haven’t changed, you are the same person, and you shouldn’t be begging for the attention of someone who needs you to change anyway.
3. People who complain about being overweight but eat junk food and refuse to exercise and then tell other people off for being skinny or for telling them not to eat chocolate or whatever.
4. People who can’t use correct grammar. Like not even 100% of the time. I don’t care if you end sentences with prepositions or use commas instead of semicolons. I would, however, like to be able to read what you’re writing. If your sentence is five lines long and it has no commas then you are doing it wrong and we can’t be friends.
5. Religion. Religion and religious people drive me insane and I wish they didn’t but I want to throw up every time someone quotes the bible on facebook. I feel like every horrible thing that has even been has been done with religious intentions. Good intentions, yes, but religious intentions. Like if people stopped caring what god thought and started caring about themselves and each other then maybe the world would be a little nicer.
6. Vegetarians/vegans with a superiority complex that don’t know anything about animal product/bi-product industries. Or that don’t understand anything about animals. Like the thing you don’t understand is that the cow is happy to stand in the field all day and eat grass and then come and eat some grain while it is being milked. It is not a prison cell. It is a home.
7. People that think that time heals all wounds. Some wounds get worse with time. Some hatred deepens with time. Sometimes I don’t need time I need a hug and maybe some chocolate or something.
8. My iPod not allowing me to add new music without deleting all the old music because it has to sync and I’ve had to factory restore my computer since the last time I added music to it and that doesn’t mean I don’t own it, it means you’re being a prick.
9. Moral absolutism. Like you can't be a good person if you've ever done a bad thing or that it can't be a good idea if it comes from a bad person.
10. Having to code the html for this blog by hand because it can't comprehend the concept of copy and pasting formatting from a goddamn word document. Like the base 10 number system is too much for my poor computer.
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| I guess that would be incentivizing decency though |
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