The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

Changing calendars

Happy new calendar year!
Because it's not a new year until I say so, a year is not defined by an arbitrary point in the Earth's orbit, rather, the calendar is.
My year will be defined when I feel that big changes are occurring. Usually, this is around February.
Still, I would like to at least attempt to formulate some resolutions, let us begin by reviewing resolutions of the past. Last year, I chose to formulate a life plan, rather than a list of resolutions. How did I go with that plan?

#1 Be happy.
Happiness is so complex that I can't say that I did or did not achieve it. At the moment, I am very happy, but I'm unsure as to whether that is due to external or internal factors. There are people in my life that make me happy, and people in my life that make me sad. Remaining positive through the sadness is perhaps all that is necessary. I don't feel positive because of the sadness, the sad will stay, and I am entirely pessimistic about it. But I believe there will be more happiness, and that is enough for me.
This year? No, this is not part of my life plan for this year. I believe happiness will come from doing the things I love with the people I love. But it cannot be "plan"ned.

#2 Try hard at school, but don't stress out.
I totally and completely achieved this, and I am 100% satisfied with how I went. Although there were times when I stressed a little too much, I think it helped me to ascertain my priorities. My results from the HSC were spectacular, and I think I eventually found a good balance.
This year? Definitely, this year I plan to try hard and not stress out too much. I think it will be easier working on a semester to semester plan, and having actually holidays, as I currently feel refreshed, and definitely burnt out a bit during the actual HSC.

#3 Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
I did get my licence, although it was not before the footy season due to some personal problems. I may have failed my first test, but I think that was a life lesson :D
This year? I plan to get my greens before the year ends :)

#4 Earn money.
I did a lot of this. And also spent a lot on my David.
This year? Getting my scholarship recently has lowered the financial pressure, but I still want to earn a fair bit. I'm greedy, you know.

#5 Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Overall, I have retained my optimism, although there was a chunk of the year where I felt a little helpless. Strong connections with friends helped me get through it and I'm totally thrilled to have so many wonderful people in my life.
This year? I'd generally like to be optimistic although I can foresee some events that may make that difficult. In fact, simply suggesting that it will be difficult already suggests a pessimistic attitude. But I will try. The world is my oyster, right?

#6 Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
I definitely appreciated my time with them, a lot more than the year before. Since the HSC ended, it has been difficult to see them as much, but I don't think that has reduced our friendship at all.
This year? We have big plans on how to see each other, and although it may not always be possible to keep these plans, I believe out connection will remain. This is definitely onmylife plan for the year.

#7 Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, so I supposed I've failed at this. But I'm still trying.
This year? Still on the list. Still trying

Have a great year!

The Lonely Monster.

Confession #52: I didn't want the crap to get to me. Maybe it didn't. Maybe there's still hope.

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and say, “No, I’m happy for you”. That’s when it's really sad."

"Planning my existence with broken pen." - GreenBean91

((This is a compilation of lots of different blogs from my past. Enjoy.))

Today, I am infinite.

--

Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.

--

Smiling fights the lonely monster.

--

Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
We'll curlourselves up in a blanket
And sip our hot chocolate
And much on our tim tams
And we'll watch the stars
Wrapped in each others arms
Telling our stories.

--

Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirt, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.

--

I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...

--

Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.

--

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give.
That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.

--

He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.

--

I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.

--

I have so much to give you.

So much love, and heart, and soul.

So much caring.

Everything I have in me.

I am not an empty vessel.

I am brimming with passion and smiles and stories and pictures and romance.

I want to break it, everything inside of me,

into a million tiny pieces

and wrap them up

and give you one everyday

until you have all of them.

All of me.

--

I think you are beautiful and I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.

--

I want to be able to be me without being scared of what everyone else has to think.
I'm scared of getting too close to you, and not being me anymore. I want to keep me. I don't want to become the girl whose name is tagged onto yours. I want to be my own person. I need to be me.

--

But today has been one of those medicore days.

When you can pinpoint the times you've had fun, and smiled

But by the time you get home from school, you're crying.

--

I wrote our initials in led pencil at the train station on my way to work.

They may wash off, but they may stay there forever.

And no one but us will ever know they're there.

--

And she said I like sunsets and sci-fi movies. I will love you for you, and won't care about who people think you are.
I'll always be there for you, and I'll randomly hug you and tell you I love you.
All I ask, she said, is that you love me for me.

--

Sometimes all you can do is play a really loud song, and scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. To grab someone's hand, and dance around the room, singing into your hairbrush. And when they walk away, you cry and cry. Because everything is not going to be okay. But tomorrow, you will wake up, and smile, and pretend. And everything will be a little closer to okay.

--

You see that sky? It shines just like you!

--

You know when it's been raining all day, and the sky has been grey. Everywhere you look are clouds, and dull, dreary, grey skies. And then the sun peeps out a little. And suddenly, everything lights up. The sky turns a pretty blue, the grass look greener. The world just shines a little. And you have this feeling that everything is going to be okay, everything will work out. And everything is beautiful. That's the feeling I get around you, you're my peep of sunshine.

--

And everyone tells me to slow down. But maybe I don't wanna slow down. Maybe I like doing things fast. Maybe, I just need someone to catch up, and run with me. Because walking isn't very fun. Not that running is fun. It's just... maybe I have somewhere to go. So whilst you all walk around aimlessly, I'm ready to run home.

--

And I am a pain in the ass a great amount of the time, and sometimes I can tell I'm being a pain in the ass, and I keep on being one, but you put up with it, and you're there for me, always. I guess "thank you" doesn't really sum it up properly, but I don't know what else I could say.

--

Nothing's ever going to be perfect.

Your mind and your heart will never agree on everything.

You will never be certain if it is the right thing to do.

Do It Anyway!

Because life is too short to question everything.

Back to school.

This is it.
The end of the holidays.
No more.
(Yes, I've decided to write this at the last possible opportunity)

And I've spent my time well this holidays (unlike nina)

I did, not quite half of the homework I wanted to. (Well, I did two thirds if you don't include AG assignment [which, of course, I won't])
I spent ++ time with my family. Going to city, radom places for birthdays, and working heaps with Nikki/Mum.
I spent ++++ time on MSN. I'm just cool like that.
I slept enough. Well, not really, but almost.
I spent 3 days moping around being sad and lonely :L
I actually played with my Sims. For the first time in forever.

And I've nearly caught up to that day that I missed blogging. Well, if I blog this afternoon I will have.
So yeah, yay for holidays!


Humdizzles.
I should go to school... soon.
But the sooner I get up, the sooner I get to school, the sooner I have double P.E. And that is just not worth the risk.

Hmm, WOULD put lyrics here, but can't be bothered to write them out.
So I guess this is it then.
And then back to school.
Can't wait!!!

~Break those pillars down!~

For my 200th blog post (you guys didn't even know my blog birthday was coming up, did you?), I've tossed up a lot of ideas. I've thought of some sort of refleciton on how far I've come since my first post, or even since my 100th post. But no, I've decided that today, I am going to inspire myself. Or at least try to. Here goes nothing. (It may actually turn out to be nothing)

Nothing's ever going to be perfect.

Your mind and your heart will never agree on everything.

You will never be certain if it is the right thing to do.

Do It Anyway!

Because life is too short to question everything.

In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime.

It's the difference between the path you walk,

and the one you leave behind.

It's the gap between who you thought you were, and who you really are.

It's the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future.

And the world will throw you a few surprises.

Fate has a good way of doing that.

And when you make up your mind about everything,

God will laugh in your face and change the rules.

You just have to stick to it.

Always, stick to it.

Life is short, eat too much chocolate.

Because, at the end of the day,

it doesn't matter if you're a little unhealthy

Everyone's gonna die someday...

The best you can do is die happy.

There's no returning,

I keep comparing, you're always winning

I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted

If everyone was told the world was gonna end in 5 minutes,

everyone would pull out their phones.

They would ring their parents,

their children,

their best friends,

and the people they love most in the world.

Confessions of love would be made worldwide.

The world is not going to end.

And love has no place in our world.

So people keep it inside,

and people burn.

Here's what I do:

I think too much

I drive myself insane

I make up ideas in my mind

I try to understand complexities beyond my comprehension

And I never do anything about it.

And when I do, I stuff up.

But part of me wants to stuff everything up now.

So when it gets to the point where it matters,

there's nothing left to stuff up.

And I get it right.

I have my doubts that this is what I've lived for.

This strange warp of the real me, and the me I pretend to be

OK, so it's not entirely a pretence...

Actually, it is now

Everything's a pretence now

And I have no idea why the hell everything stuffed up.

But it did.

Shit happens.

I'm always gonna try again tomorrow

Because, otherwise, I'm just giving up

And sure, I've always been a quitter

But I'm gonna change that

Yesterday, I made a wish for everything to stay the same

After every wish,

for everything to change,

I finally want it to stay

Not that I'm happy

Just that I know it's gonna get so much worse.

Can you imagine the beauty of such a world?

A world of kindness?

When everyone was nice to each other?

Let's ALL be nice to each other

OKAY?

No, that will never happen

People will always have prejudice

People will always fight

But people will always smile

Some dreams never get realised

Some hopes never get their chance,

Some aspirations hide away, and

Some wishes are never spoken

Then again, some fires never burn out

I cannot change the world; but I can change myself!

No one looks at the sky enough anymore

I do a lot of looking at the sky

I do a lot of wishing

Sure, I'm crazy,

sure, I'm a dreamer

But I smile more than you

And maybe I'll never be as happy as you

But I feel infinite

And until you look at the sky

You'll never know what that's like

And there are a lot of people who never knock down my walls

There are a lot of people who are kept away by walls

Break them!

If this blog has taught me anything,

it's that I don't mind people seeing my mind

I want you to ask questions

I want you to tell secrets

Because it's us against the world

And I think we can win <33

And I am a lot of things

I think my drama assignment taught me that

Sure, it made me realise the things I hate about myself

It made me realise that I don't know myself

But it made me realise what I'm not

So I'm that little bit closer to discovering what I am

So I'm going to love myself

And I'm going to love everyone else

Even the ones that don't love themselves

And I'm going to teach you all a lesson about love

And I will love you unconditionally

And I will love myself unconditionally

They say "treat others as you would like to be treated"

Don't you deserve the same treatment?

I'm just invisible

one - I just know I'm a walking time bomb
TWO - That's the problem, I don't want to.
three - Stop hurting her, because she takes it seriously
four - i hated it when you changed the subject, even though i asked you to, you see, there's one thing i just love talking about... thankyou for mentioning it.

I can't do anything about it. – coulda.been.a.comet

You know, so far this month, I have blogged 12 times. Considering it is the 9th, that is A LOT. I am so weird sometimes…

And you know what?! I love my blog. It’s like, my “happy place”, if no one ever read any of this shit, I would write it anyways, because I love my blog so much.

Hehe, just reading through my old posts, starting from the beginning, I can really see how much I’ve changed, it’s really weird actually. I’m more mature (go figure), and less whiney, I usually accept things for how they are; instead of saying “why are things like this?” I say “what can I do with this situation?” I am MUCH happier (its all the incessant blogging, isn’t it?), and I’ve found my place.

I ask myself too many questions. - ayanastar

LOL, I’m being so reminiscent, but, I sign on to blogger at EVERY given opportunity, sometime to read other peoples blogs, but usually to reread mine, I go over the whole page every time, haha, even writing this, I’ve stop a gazillion times to read my blog, because it is totally awesome!!

Hmm, I love my mind. I never thought I’d say that, but, I love my mind. How each little detail of all my blogs amounts to something huge, that things are implied but never spoken, and in the end, you can just feel it.

Some things you don’t realise about my blog:
– when I do those silly quiz things, and don’t blog normally, it means I’m replacing my thoughts with a quiz because either a) im embarrassed about my thoughts b) you guys aren’t ready to hear my thoughts, or c) im scared ill offend you if I tell you how I feel.
– every single picture I choose has A LOT of thought put into it (no really, a lot!), and might be about you guys, or might not be, you just have to figure it out
– all those 6 word memoirs are there because I have something to say to you that I cant use normal words for.
– “I’ll see you under the moon” is taken from a movie called Instant Message. The main characters are pen pals from when they were in middle school. They always knew they would meet, they didn’t know where, they didn’t know when, they didn’t know how, all they knew was that it would be under the moon, so they signed all their letters “I’ll see you under the moon” Haha! Hopeless romantic alert!

You're beautiful. You just don't see. - GoldfishGirl

OK then, now that we have been all cool and reflective, I will leave.
Do you want a song??
ALWAYS!

OK, this is my current favourite song… go and download it!!!
(You’ll be able to hear me singing it, instead of her… no, really, it’s like, exactly how I think. Go and download it!!! Why are you sitll reading?? LEAVE!! NO! Don't look at the lyrics until you download it!!)

I give you INVISIBLE – Taylor Swift (gee, there’s a change of pace)


She can’t see the way your eyes light up when you smile
She’ll never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by
And you can’t see me wantin you the way you want her
But you are everything to me

[Chorus:]
And I just wanna show you
She don’t even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
You just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable instead of just invisible

There’s a fire inside of you that can’t help but shine through
She’s never gonna see the light
No matter what you do
And all I think about is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be

[Chorus]

Like shadows in a faded light
Oh we’re Invisible
I just wanna look in your eyes and make you realize

I just wanna show you she don’t even know you
Baby let me love you let me want you
You just see right through me
But if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable instead of just invisible

She can’t see the way your eyes light up when you smile