World, you suck

I had a dream about you last night.
And all you did was hug.
You just held me until I could feel nothing but you, and all the pain went away because it was replaced by thoughts of you and how you felt in my arms.
Perhaps, it was the strongest dream I've ever had, and the one I most wish would come true. Yet, the one that has the least chance of coming true. Because it's you and me, and this is how it's always going to be.
I miss you.
In a way that makes me feel small and insignificant without you.
How can I be so utterly reliant on one human being for so much of my person?
But the fact is you knew me, and you loved me for me, not for the person you thought I was, and I only ever had to be me when I was with you.
I think you still have the piece of me that you took when you left, and I think I want it back.

I don't even know where this pain came from, that I feel.
I don't even know if you could take it away.
Sometimes, I just wake up, and I feel sad for no good reason.
And maybe you've changed, or maybe in my mind I've turned you into someone that you never were. And maybe, somehow, this person that I remember you to be never existed.
But if you could hug me, I think I would know.

---



Amy showed me this picture today.
It's so very depressing that she sees this and instantly thinks of me.
Because that's who I am now, the person that hates people.
And it's all because of him, I think.

Well, I mean it started with hating him in an I-want-to-hate-you-but-you-won't-let-me-because-you're-so-nice-and-you're-not-meant-to-be-nice-and-it-was-so-much-easier-when-I-could-hate-you-because-now-it's-all-overly-complicated-and-I-feel-like-an-idiot way.
And then I went on to hating me because of how I feel about him.
And now I just hate everyone.
Which is just brilliant

Goodbye world, you suck.

None of these words are about you but some of them might apply

This is maybe the first blog I have ever written where I started with the title.
I usually add the title after I've finished the rest of the blog, and even after I've added the tags. Which is why the titles may not make sense for a lot of the time.

Anyways, getting back to today's title. It's taken from Eddplant's video "You're Not There - ORIGINAL FORM MY NEW EP!" Because at the end, when he's talking about his EP, he says "none of these songs are about you, but some of them might apply", which may be the most awesome collection of words claiming to be a sentence I've ever heard.
Also, check out that song (I don't link you places for no reason), people randomly appear, and join in with his song, on all their instruments, and it's just bloody cool. Two of his friends from the Sons of Admirals (Alex Day from the Internet and Tom "Bluer than blue, or is it Indigo?" Milsom) join him.

Speaking of the Sons of Admirals (as we always should be), I GOT MY SONS OF ADMIRALS TSHIRT ON MONDAY, which is so damn awesome that I may never take it off.
So yeah, the Sons of Admirals are trying to take to take over the world, as documented in Alex and Tom's videos, go and watch these and discover pure awesomeness.

Getting back to the title of my blog... which is words.
Beautiful, incredible, amazing words.
(With pretty picture, because, you know, the world is beautiful) (Yes Paul, despite my high expectations, and constant disappointment, I still believe the world is beautiful)



Enjoy your day!

Wasting away

I am currently undergoing a slight amount of inner turmoil.
And when I say slight, I mean it. It's not like there's anything major happening in my life. I mean, if anything, I have far too much spare time, and am spending my days wasting away on my computer. But that's okay, I haven't wasted my life in a while, and it's a nice break.

My holiday to do list:
* Buy clothes. As in, clothes that fit. =)
* Bake cookies.
* Swap my Sunday shift at work so I don't miss the grand final =S
* Rent some chick flicks to watch with Hunaiza on thurday
* Organise a time to get our group (those of us not in Japan) together
* Play neopets =)
* Blog more often. I miss this thing, haha.
* Buy some more fish =)
* Do the English speeches booklet thing.

Yeah, that's about it. Oh, and of course, vlogstalk charlie and alex. But you know, that's not going on the list because "stalk" makes it look wrong.

So, yeah, whilst I play neopets to get over my innerturmoil, I hope you guys have a brilliant holiday, and I shall blog again soon =)

Stay true

For the people in my life...

Person One
You agreed with me that one should be spelt, rather than written with numbers. But that's sort of irrelevant. Aside from your smile when you said it, which is completely relevant, because it's the smile I'm learning to hate because of the effect is has on me. I will never be enough for you. And it's not even that I will never be good enough, I just won't be enough. You don't want better you want more. You deserve more.



Person Two
I miss you. And I've been missing you for a while now, but I'm too scared to tell you because you'll give me a lecture, and I'll feel... like me. I'll feel like I'm too weak to handle anything on my own so I go running to you instead because you can handle anything. And I don't want to be that weak. So I'm not going to tell you that I miss you.



Person Three
I don't like seeing you or thinking about you too much, because it hurts. "Turned out to hurt way more than I thought it could". I didn't think it would hurt this much, it is really quite unexpected. I feel like doing things you would hate, even though you don't know I'm doing them. I feel like playing bad music really quietly.



Person Four
So when these three people got to me too much, I went to you and went completely insane. So now you talk to me ALL THE TIME. Well, you did, but now it's more me wanting to talk to you too. And when stuff starts hurts I talk to you and you make the hurt go away a bit. Which is weird, but, so nice.



Person Five
You make me feel stronger than I've ever felt before. You give me confidence to be myself because you make me feel like the person I am is a good one. I think you're sad a lot, but you don't tell me why, which upsets me, because I would really do anything to help you. I want you to feel like I feel; invincible =)


Have a good day =)

countdown

TEN HOW’S:
How did you get one of your scars?
chicken pox. i think i scratched it? and i have a stack from falling off my bike haha

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
coming home from year 10 camp :L and having a party 5 moths late (i am clearly not very high on my list of priorities)

How are you feeling at this moment?
sort of sad, but happy at the same time? i think?

How did your night go last night?
well, im too lame to go to informal so i sat at home talking to paul who is too lame to go to the formal :L

How did you do in high school?
BRILLIANTLY. ok, so, we dont need to mention english :L

How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
uniform shop

How often do you see ur best friend?
evryday (but not in holidays D=)

How much money did you spend last month?
too much

How old do you want to be when you get married?
in my 20s (im leaving it vague :L)

How old will you be at your next birthday?
17


NINE WHAT’S:

Your mothers name?
Coralie

What did you do last weekend?
work, and birthday party thingo

What is the most important part of your life?
being happy

What would you rather be doing?
hugging someone

What did you last cry over?
a cute song <>

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
chocolate

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
he has to make me feel better when im upset

What are you worried about?
not being the best i could be? =S

What did you have for breakfast?
i dont eat breakfast =(

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
rofl, of course

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
everyday :) lol, just kidding, hearts dont break, they bend. my heart is learning to be flexible

Have you ever been out of the country?
no

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
everyday :L

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
yeah

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
rofl, no

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
er, yeah

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, harry potter books when they came out, rofl

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last person you saw?
my sister

Who was the last person you texted?
oh, cant be bothered to get up, probably dad? or amy?

Who was the last person you hungout with?
yr 11s at school today + robert and paul

Who was the last person to call you?
er, my sister?

Who did you last hug?
my mummy :)

Who is the last person who texted you?
dont make me get up D=
oh fine
...*gets up*...
...
...
*comes back*
it was amy

Who was the last person you said “i love you” to?
mum or nikki

SIX WHERE?S:

Where does your best friend live?
i would put her address, but you might stalk her =D

Where did you last go?
to my room to get my phone, haha, does that count?

Where did you last hang out?
at school <> in the art quad =L

Where do you go to school?
HURLSTONE =DD

Where is your favorite place to be?
in your arms ;) (actually, its true, i like hugging people)

Where did you sleep last night?
at home?

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?
you know, i think the answer to this is yes, but its like complicated. think of it like a dipole-dipole bond (prad's idea, not mine). its not, like, what it was, which is dispersion, but its not quite hydrogen yet. so its like strong but not very strong. (i wish that analogy wasnt so appropriate :L)

Do you think anyone likes you?
no. everyone hates me =)

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
sometimes, but ultimately, im glad im me =D

Do you know the muffin man?
not personally, but yeah, we've met a few times

Does the future scare you?
yeah, i dont wanna be in year 12, let's stay in limbo :L


FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
because she will put up with me sometimes

Why did you get a myspace?
uhm, i didnt D=
im not cool enough

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
mum saw it on tv when she was pregnant, and it worked well with the middle name they had already picked for me

Why are you doing this survey?
i saw it on amys page, and im lame, and bored

THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be?
id be able to make other people happy :L

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
yeah, but i know i shouldnt, i just wonder what difference it would make (actually, it wouldnt make any difference, im just trying to convince myself that i can be good enough, but it wouldnt really change anything)

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring one thing what would you bring?
a boat

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
no, the past is the past

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
of course!

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy with your life right now?
i guess, yeah i am. i mean, i have my moments where i get so pissed off with myself and the rest of the world that i just start screaming "I HATE PEOPLE!!" but most of the time i am actually glad that i get to be me. im starting to like me. its a slow process, but its happening.

Growing up =S

I've had this weird thing in my life lately called spare time, and I'm not quite used to it. Then again, I don't think I should get used to it before year 12, but whatever. xD

So Ebony, what's been going on in your life?

Well, last Friday I visited Dad at work again, and got to see the people that run Sydney. And I rediscovered how much I would totally love to have his job, which is really annoying. Because, basically, I could have any job in the world and I would completely love it, which makes it hard to pick exactly where I want to go.

On Sunday, my cousin's daughter turned one, and it was the first time I've seen her which is really exciting =) She's scared of me (isn't everyone?), but she's absloutely beautiful.

And yesterday, my awesome sister GRADUATED (finally) from school, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. So yeah, I went to mass for the first time in a very long time for that, which is weird, because to me, Catholicism seems like some weird sort of cult where people continually say stuff about how brilliant and wonderful God is and that sort of weirds me out.

I've been thinking a lot about religion lately, mainly because I've come to the realisation that society has progressed far enough that it doesn't need to be dependant on religion anymore, and that only those emotionally weak need something to give them a greater purpose. (Sorry if I just completely offended anyone there, now that I think about it, it is quite offensive) I just, realise that "I am a tiny insignificant piece of carbon"

Speaking of insignificant carbon, have I mentioned Tim Minchin on this thing before? Because if not, there's something terribly wrong with me. Tim Minchin is a musical and comedic genius, not to mention a general genius. He has crazy hair and doesn't wear shoes, and he's very much in love with his wife, although he tends to bag her out, but then he writes amazing lovesongs like this, and it's just wow. And you tend to wonder how a song can be cute if it starts with "you grew on me like a tumour" but it is just increbile.

So yeah, that's my life lately, thankyou for reading, I hope you have a brilliant day!

Ebony's life anthem

Ok, so this song, is my new life anthem.
No, I can't say I've ever had a life anthem in the past.
But something in this song just picks me up and shakes me,
So life anthem it shall be.

I strongly recommend you go and check out the video, it may just be the best 3 minutes and 17 seconds of your life. So yeah, CLICK ME

This is a song about love, and not a very good one
I don’t know enough to tell you about heartbreak
But I know it’s there, and you can avoid it
By listening to your head
Which is just what I’ve done, and it isn’t perfect
But look what I’ve done instead, instead of falling for you

I’ve never really been in love and that is fine by me
I’ll sit at home and refine the person I want to be
‘Cause I’m still young and not yet prepared to waste my time
On chasing girls who are yet to fully form their minds
And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

This isn’t just about love, ’cause that’s just one pixel
Of the image I’m speaking of, the one of the relationship
That we share, it’s much more important
That I learn to like you too
Though I guess before that, it’s probably vital
That I try to look for you, at least look for me

I’ve never really been in love and that is fine by me
I’ll sit at home and refine the person I want to be
‘Cause I’m still young and not yet prepared to waste my time
On chasing girls who are yet to fully form their minds
And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

I could tell you that I love you all you want until I’m dry
But I can’t force myself to love you so why should I try
I’ll have to wait, and hold my chin up, and plug away at other things
Until she comes, until she comes

And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

...And now it's too late

The people that run Ebony's mind went insane and this is what happened as a result:

Thoughts of you come rushing back to me, as they always do I suppose. This is where you ride in on your white horse and tell me that everything is going to be okay; you're the only person I ever believe. With you, I could never be sad. And yet, I could never be with you. So, sad it must be, for ever more.



Could it be that maybe it's our first mistake
And Baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
There's a reason why they say that we should give it time
But time is not enough
And that's the reason why
When you're young you fall in love



And yes, I admit it, I am lonely. I don't miss you. I just miss having someone. It feels like there's no one there to care about me now, no one who is completely focused on me. I'm trying to fill that gap, and I know it's silly, but I'm drowning people in myself just to get some sort of reaction, some sort of approval.



I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you



It's like nothing really bothers me anymore. Like, I get annoyed at stuff, sure, but nothing is really a big deal anymore. Which is sort of irritating. I'm trying so hard to feel something, but somehow, there's nothing there.



Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say I feel I no longer have to be James Dean,
and She'll say,
Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you.



So here I am, trying to keep busy with my life, but I don't really have much to do. Which is ridiculous because all year I've been complaining about not having any time. But, seriously, what do I have to do? Homework? Because none of it really matters. Study? But what's the point? (78 people, 78). Work? But I don't even like it, not like I used to. Spend time with family? But when do they even have time for me?



I’ve been down here
Down these roads
People pass through
Some stay some go
Standing here broke
Not a penny to my name
But she says she loves me all the same
I try my best
And you do to
And all you want is something you can move to
Everybody’s gotta get their kicks somewhere
Everybody gotta fit in somewhere



It's quite an invigorating feeling, not having to do anything. I feel as if my possibilities are suddenly endless. I might learn an instrument, or make a friend, or become a better me. Or... get a scholarship? Rofl, I feel like being something greater than what I am (can't be too hard right?)



Just the other day
Somebody said to me
Hey maybe you're just slightly schizophrenic
And a little out of reach my friend
I said 'yes, that's partly true'



that person you were talking about, the person who makes everything gloom and doom, that person might just be me. i'm the catalyst in making your life hell. "i feel like one of those people that's so sad, i can't even be with the happy people anymore, as if i might infect them". -greysanatomy



Wish I could tell you there's a twist
Some kind of hero in disguise
And we're together, it's for real
Wish I could tell you there's a kiss
Like, something more than in my mind
I see it could be amazing



I want so much to impress you. I think the only reason I study so much is because when I do well, you wink at me and say "I'm proud of you", and then you smile the smile that you keep for you inside jokes with me.



Yeah, everybody loves a circus show
But i'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



you didnt think there was anything wrong, or that his death would affect me at all, but you know what? it did. it did actually hurt. and i hate that you cant see that, and that you cant see who i am.



And I always end up regretting not waiting...