Sorry.

I guess we all knew this was coming. It's my addiction. I just love writing these blogs.
Put up with it?

I wish you knew my thoughts. Even the ones I’m too embarrassed to tell you. I wish you knew that I was yours. I wish you knew that I compare everyone to you, and they all fall short. I wish you knew that I think about you all the time. Even at inappropriate times. I wish you knew that, whatever I’m doing, I always picture how different it would be if you were by my side (and it ALWAYS improves). I wish you knew that I want to spend my life with you by my side. I wish you knew how much I do things you do, and how much it makes me smile. I wish you knew how in love with you I am.

Sometimes I scare even myself. These thoughts make my mind swirl. Every word that means something different to me. Every hidden meaning, behind every alternate reality. And everytime something makes no sense, it always does to me.

If I trust in you, would you let me down?

Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you?

Could you feel the same way too?

I wanna know..

Now I am here, talking to you

No wonder I get excited

Your smile, and the sound of your voice

And the way you see through me

Got a feeling, you give me no choice

But it means a lot to me

“What’s wrong?” They ask, as if they have no idea. “What’s always wrong?” I reply. Their faces don’t change, nothing changes, nothing will ever change. “Stop dwelling” as if solutions were so simple. “Distract me” I say. Of all the games we play, this is my favourite. The search for distractions. My favourite part is when they say something that reminds me of you, and they don’t realise. “Thank you” I say, as if their distracting worked, and I smile like Mona Lisa until the day’s end.

I want my fairytale
Just one second of it
One hug, or one touch
One chance to say ‘I love you’ in person
I want one opportunity to see your face
Or hear your voice
Or smell your scent
I want one opportunity
For me to give up on these stupid daydreams
Because there’s nothing left to be up all night imagining
Because it’s all real

Finally.

One of these days,
I’m gonna tell him I dream of him ever night
One of these days,
I’m gonna show him I care

Gonna teach him a lesson alright

You know, I search. Trying to figure out what I want. Of course, my subconscious is wiling to provide several scenarios that I “want”, but none of these seem to quite satisfy the question burning on the tip of my mind.

Maybe after all these useless words, we’ll figure out that nothing’s changed. That we can talk as much as we want, and nothing will ever make a difference. What then? Maybe these are just words, maybe that’s all they’ll ever be.

And if it’s alright I’ll still be loving you
Cuz I can’t break it to my heart
You still don’t have the answers
But if I still believe you love me,
Maybe I’ll survive,

So I tell myself you’re coming home

Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them, they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place, but still, the place which you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.

Or hug me. Because, I mean, sure, I have my issues, but if you really get to know me, you'll realise that I'm just lonely. That I just need a friend, I just need one really long hug and then maybe I'll be okay. So hug me, or talk to me, or listen to me when I'm going nuts and have only one thing I want to talk about. I need someone to listen sometimes. And other times, I need someone to care.

Smiling faces I can see

But not for me

I sit and watch

As tears go by

My riches cant buy everything

I want to hear the children sing

All I hear is the sound

Of rain falling on the ground

I sit and watch

As tears go by

Love is when they tell you what song they’re listening to, and your heart stops. Because this is the song you play on loop every night. Crying. Thinking of them.

Love is imagining them by your side, every second of every day.

Love is when everything you think, say or write, can be interpreted in such a way that it has a special meaning for them.

Love is hugging your pillow.

Love is staying up until midnight on Monday to Thursday.

Love is wishing on 11:11.

Love is waking up unhappy because the dream’s over.

Love is having only one thing you want to talk about. Always.

Love is you.

People say ‘follow your heart’, but I can’t. My brain very well knows that what my heart wants is irrational. And still, my brain momentarily stops functioning everytime I think of you. I think it is those moments that my brain knows my heart will win. It can’t argue with that, so it pretends to not be paying attention.

The sight of you will prove to me I’m still alive
And when you take me in your arms
And hold me tight

I know it’s gonna mean so much

I’m not sure you even know what it feels like.
To wake up every morning exhilarated
Before you realise that it was a dream, not reality
To wake up every morning hopeful
Could this be the day?
And to wake up every morning saddened…

Maybe tomorrow.

And you are the only one I dream of every night.

The only one I miss everyday.

You are my everything.

I think you're so mean

I think we should try

I think I could need

This in my life

I think I'm just scared

I think too much

I know this is wrong

It's a problem I'm dealing

And I just wanted you to know that I miss you.

And it feels like you're too far away, everytime I want to talk to you

I want you to know that I want you.

You were my best friend. And I told you everything. I still want my best friend.

And I want you to know that I need you.

That part of me is dying, because it has to live without you.

I want you to know that I love you.

And you think you understand that, but in all honesty, you couldn't even comprehend.

Well that's different

There’s a place I go
When I’m alone
Do anything I want
Be anyone I wanna be

This is who I wanna be

one - They talk as if they care. The ask as if it makes a difference. They listen as if they want to know. And it doesn't matter. I'll pretend that everyone cares, and I'll keep talking. Till everything stops hurting, and I am exhausted. And then I will stop. Stop hurting, stop talking stop caring.
TWO - Sometimes my mind drives me insane. The way I overanalyse myself and my life. I'm just like Gigi, as if every word makes a difference. And maybe, to some people, it does.
three - My OCD is killing me. Today in Smiggle I rearranged every single pencil container so that the rainbow striped lined up. And then I found another section...
Why, God, why??
four - The melody in my head is enough. The one that plays softly, sweetly. The one that plays my thoughts, my mood. My own little tune. The tune of infinite harmony, the tune that fits everything today. The tune you'll never be able to write, because the spirit isn't in the notes.

--------------------------------

I still don't have anything to write, per se. (How do you spell that?)

perhaps I shall continue then...

five - and to you it doesn't change a thing, to me it changes everything. but everything looks better in this light. so i'll let you believe what you will.
six - I want to be normal. Nothing more, just normal. Each day I crave normallity. I don't want to be smart or pretty or lucky or talented. I don't want anything I don't have... except normality.
seven - people tell me I have time, that I should stop rushing. No one knows that time is running out, each day it gets closer closer closer.
eight - Because it understood what it's like to miss someone. Someone who still stays close enough to make you smile, make you want them. But not quite close enough, not close enough to see.
nine - The empty pages haunt me. The lack of thought. The lack of being. Every unwritten word pricks my soul. And every word remains unwritten
ten - That's the smile we all miss. The one we all love, the one we haven't seen in a while. Of course, the fake smile is getting better. But we miss your smile.

--------------------------------

huh. im weird :S

Just stupid stuff.

one - 10 out of 10. It's always 10 out of 10.
TWO - When you think about it. You're 1 in 6 billion. 6 billion more important than you. 6 billion more important that what you think, and what you feel. 6 million more important than anything you've ever done. Not a single one more important than him...
three - And I'm a dreamer. I'll always be a dreamer. Sure, I can be realistic, but there'll always be a part of me that doesn't care for the truth. A part of me that can fly, and the only part of me that can feel. The part not afraid to dream.
four - Sometimes you can't help but feel sore.

I have nothing to say.
Because everything I have to say, I can't say, because I shouldn't say, because I shouldn't feel.

And this speechlessness is something entirely new for me.
Then again, so was jealousy.
And so, too, was shyness.

Wow.

Haha, yay for new experiences?

I hate that this blog is so wrong now.
I hate that, it doesn't live up to its purpose.
I hate that it's becoming a bloggyblog.
For the readers, not the writer.
I actually don't like it when people say "I love your blog"
I think "It's my blog, not yours, you're supposed to love it"
And I don't love it as much as I should.
And I KNOW I used to.
It had the happy aura I have been desperatley trying to create around myself all week.

And now I think of it an awful lot, and don't really write what I'm thinking.
Usually because I'm too scared.
Too scared that I will jump, and fall down.
Where did my wings go?

Finally, finally, finally, I'm back.

one - Have you ever felt beautiful? And I mean really beautiful, not just "I think I'm good looking", but more "I think I'm a good person and I love myself". Because I think you are all beautiful.
TWO - I want to be strong enough to smile, but part of me likes being weak enough to have an excuse not to.
three - People kept saying to me today "there will be other ANZAC days". The thing I never had the courage to say was "Yes, but how many more will he be alive for?". Maybe it would have shut some people up... but I don't want to think like that. Ever.
four - Don't kill me. Hurt me as much as you want, but, please, learn when you're crossing the line.

What a week.

What a BAD week, mainly, but also, just in gereal, what a week.

And I would tell you guys all about it, but I don't have the time/patience. So, I'll just say, what a week.

It went very slowly, and I missed my blog A LOT! I missed other people's blogs too, and reading other people's thoughts, I missed smithteens. I think I missed smithteens the most.
I missed having somewhere I can talk about happy stuff. Because that's what this blog is, now. It's happy. All these sad thoughts within me are ignored, so I can blog the happy stuff, and make myself feel happy.

I'm sorta glad I took a week off though. I mean, like I said, it wasn't a very good week, and I'm not sure I would have wanted people to know what I was thinking. Also, I did HEAPS of hw/studying. I am soo proud of myself! I've written IPT/Maths notes for the year, almost caught up on all the work I missed, and gone through and taught myself everything that my teachers are too incompetent to teach me.

And I've cried. About everything else, I've cried a lot. Which makes me feel freer. (Is that a word?)

I'm still not quite back to normal. Or at least, normal for myself. But I think I'm climbing again. Saturday was the low point, and it's all up from here. So I have hope. Because, well, things won't always be this way.

And, although I've lost my teddy, I still have my ewok (another reason why I will have to marry a star wars fan), and he hugs me too =)

So farewell, I shall blog again... eventually (maybe not tomorrow...)
I'll see you under the moon!




Conversations with my thirteen year old self

You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best

No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you wellLittle girl
Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

I'm leaving!

My mum just told me I'm not allowed on my computer for a week unless I'm doing hw.

I swear, she is pissing me off so much man.

So, we shall correspond, yes?

Ciao.

PS: Seriously, moon!

The art of a high5/thoughts

I discovered something extremely important about myself today:
I am an exceptionally bad high5er.

No, seriously.
Partially because I am totally uncoordinated, and miss the other person's hand 50% of the time.
Partially because, I never make a sound. It's like, I pat the other person's hand, I don't really hit it. So, I just let the other person high5 me instead, because it's too embarassing for me to high5 people. :L

And I never knew there was a specific art or skill involved in high5ing people, but I discovered today, that there is, and I just don't have it.

---------------------------------------

I was extraordiarily sad today.

This is becoming routine...

But, today was worse than yesterday; I'm scared what tomorrow will be like.

---------------------------------------

"All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live." - Mark Twain

^ That is what makes me no longer fear death.

--------------------------------------

Nikki: "Ebony?"
Me: "Yus??"
Nikki: *picks up coffee cup from her seat* “I’m trying to think of something smart to say here, but I can’t think of anything so just take your cup!”

I'm not sure why I wrote this...

It's hard because, when you change your thoughts and your emotions, you change your posisiton. And people only recognise you for your position. When you no longer full that position, people don't care about you anymore. And I knew it would change, and I knew it would be hard, and I knew it would help me figure out some important things. What I don't like is the results. So, I should stop looking. But I can't because I'm different now, and this is what I see now. And I can't help that, and other people can't help that, and dammit, I need a hug.

HAHA, what an Ebony way to finish a sentence.

Gah, I don't wanna go to school. Maybe I shall stay at home, and blog some more, and NOT go to school. But, the clock is ticking, and my uniform is still wet (I forgot, okay?) so I must leave.

But it's okay, I can almost guarantee I'll blog this arvo. :D

I'll see you under the moon. =)

Just so you know I'm still alive...

I spent 2 hours in the same room as Mr Payne today, and survived.

Now, that's something to tell the grandkids about.
Remind me why I chose IPT??
Something about using a comuter, and gettin 2 units for my HSC??

Yeah, so not worth it!

Anyways, today is Monday, and on Mondays I have no life, so today I have no life (and people don't think I'm clever)
So I shall see you later =)

PS: Maybe I'll actually write something interesting, too.
PPS: I'll see you under the moon!

And I still think I'm normal...

I'm afraid life won't be beautiful. - iamaspen
Wouldn't it be nice to fly with fish and swim with pigeons? Wouldn't it be beautiful?
But we can't do that, we can't do many things, because there are limits to everything.
Imagine life without limits. Imagine how different things could be if we weren't restrained by physical barriers, stopping us from persuing dreams. Wouldn't it make life beautiful?


Maybe I'm normal, everyone else's strange - ThrivingViolet

You know I often think this. I often wonder why people think I'm so abnormal, when everything I do has a perfectly good reason behind it, and it's just that no one has ever bothered to figure out what it is...

But then I laugh at myself, because I'll NEVER be normal, and I'm okay with that.

Haven't seen butterflies in long time. – hirokee
When I was little, I used to see butterflies everywhere. I remember chasing them in my backyard. Mostly white ones, but occasionally there were coloured ones as well, and I’d skip around trying to catch them with my sister.
Where have all the butterflies gone? What happened to them?

I planted a flower... it died – coulda.been.a.comet
The first time I read this memoir, I was really, really sad. I mean sure, flowers die all the time, but, it’s so sad, isn’t it? Why does the flower have such a short life? Why isn’t it as good as we are?
It’s like when people say “they’re not worth it” people say that all the time, don’t they? But who are we to say who is and isn’t worth something? What if people don’t think I’m worth it? Well, maybe they are worth it, maybe we shouldn’t be so mean.


I believe in dreams coming true. – coulda.been.a.comet
Look at that turtle! Look at him go!

I believe his dreams are coming true. And I think everyone should dream, just as much as he is. Because, sure, he's no shark, but he still looks happy, because he's trying. If he puts in all his effort, he still feels fulfilled, because he knows he's being the best he can.

(Did I put too much thought into this one?) (More to the point, do I sound like a self-help book?)

"Do you like chocolate?"

"I prefer poison." – iamaspen

This appeals to the devil on my shoulder. She wants the poison. Sure, she wants the chocolate too, it's chocolate! But the poison is so tempting.

Besides, I have chocolate, and all it does is make me feel guilty, I want the poison.

Today was good, until it wasn’t – LoveMeEasy
And that's how my life goes. There's the good and the bad, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make a difference, because I'm gonna wake up in the morning and everything will be different. And things change. Even throughout the day, things change, and just because my day is going badly, doesn't mean that everything won't turn around just by something someone says.
Never give up.
Because there is ALWAYS another door to open, until you turn around and walk away.

I'm Already There

I remember, once, when I used a song on my blog, just for you to read. Not because it related to me in anyway, just because it was nice. And I think only one person actually read it (ty Amy).
It was OK, Here's The Truth, and I blogged it here. (It's in orange)
So now, I'm going to show another song.
Not because it relates to me.
Not because it's by someone I love (although...)
Not because it as the coolest tune.
Just because it has amazing lyrics, you just have to pay attention.
This is I'm Already There, and I first heard it by Westlife, even though that is not the original. But, I don't want the original, because, well, Westlife is cool!


He called her on the road
From a lonely cold hotel room
Just to hear her say “I love you” one more time
And when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye

A little voice came on the phone
Said daddy “when you coming home?”
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I’m already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there

She got back on the phone
Said “I really miss you darling
Don’t worry about the kids they’ll be alright
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight

And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes”

I'm already there
Don’t make a sound
I’m the beat in your heart
I’m the moonlight shining down
I’m the whisper in the wind
And I’ll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

I'm already there
Take a look around
I’m the sunshine in your hair
I’m the shadow on the ground
I’m the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I’m already there

I’m already, there

Stories

one - you'll believe me eventually, because i'm telling the truth
TWO - I wish you'de reply to that, I want to know what you thought
three - we were talking and I didnt say, half the things I wanted to
four - Welcome to my home-shaped hell.

I just have a few stories to tell.

1. Mickey bear
I don't think I've mentioned my teddy bear to you guys all that much, but his name is Mickey bear, and he sleeps/ed with me every night. I've had him since I was born, I think. Or maybe from my first Christmas (1 month and 6 days later). Anyways, whichever, I've had him for as long as I remember, and I've taken him on EVERY holiday.
Then, on this year's holiday, I left him at Laurieton, apparently he was caught down the side of the bed, or in the sheets or something, I dunno, he got left there. But whilst we were visiting, so were people who live 3 streets away from us, and they decided to bring him home for me.
We went to pick him up from them a few days ago, and they said they searched everywhere, and the can't find him.
I'm going to kill them. I need Mickey bear. :(
And I don't care if I'm too old for my teddy bear okay? Because I have HEAPS, it's just that, Mickey was soo special, he's been everywhere with me, and at the end of EVERY day, I've given him a hug.
I want him back :(

2. Long-distance family
Some of my "cousins" are over at the moment from England. Well, she's my 5th cousin twice removed (we counted). Anyways, they are so cool. And they're staying with us until Tuesday. I just thought I'd mention that.

3. Grandparents
My grandparents were over last night. Ok, you know how there's a point in time, when you can see in someone's face, that, they're old. Like, they have that look about them, that "life's too much" sort of look in their eyes. Yeah, well, my grandmother looked old, and that's really scary for me.
Of course, my grandfather will remain forever young, because that's just the sort of perosn he is, but I'm scared of that look in her eye last night.

4. Music
I have a song to redommend. And I assure you it is in no way related to Taylor Swift. Have we all seen '10 Things I Hate About You'? (R.I.P Heath). Ok, well, this song is from the paintball scene, and it is pretty awesome. It's called FNT, and it's by semisonic. Lyrics:

Fascinating new thing
You delight me
And I know you're speaking of me
Fascinating new thing
Get beside me,
I want you to love me

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you

Fascinating new thing
The scene-makin'
Want a temporary savior
Fascinating new thing
Don't betray them
By becoming familiar

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless and you're precious
Even when you are not new.

Instrumental

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely and you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless, yeah, you're holy
Even when you are not new.

Stupid song

I just turned on media player. put it on random. clicked next, and

STUPID FUCKING SONG!!!

Apologies for language.
I must go now, again.

PS: It's not by matchbox 20 :)

Valentine's Day.

Today is Valentine’s Day.
And if I can’t be stupid and Ebonyish and blog about some silly little boy I stupidly love on Valentine’s Day, when can I, right??
So, well, here goes nothing.

Turn out the lights now
To see is to believe
I just want you near me
I just want you here with me
And I'd give up everything only for you
It's the least that I could do

He's beautiful in every way possible. – Jilliantheincredible

And it's not Friday, it's Saturday. But I was in love on Friday too, and I will be in love on Sunday, as well. And I don't mind which day of the week it is, because nothing changes, and I still don't have you.

I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me

And I know, we fought a lot. We fought about things we agreed on too, like whether people should be remembered for things they said. But I miss fighting with you. Especially at the end, when you'd say "It doesn't matter"..."I love you"

I want to be your kryptonite. – iamaspen

And the hardest part isn’t being without them. The hardest part isn’t waking up in the morning. The hardest part isn’t saying “good” when people ask how you’re doing. The hardest part isn’t smiling, or laughing, or faking happy. The hardest part is being able to feel how close your dream is, but knowing that they don’t care enough to make it a reality.
Everyday, I wake up, and I miss you.
I miss being able to text you and say “good morning”, or “what are you doing today?” or “Guess what?? I love you!”
I miss knowing that I could talk to you.
I miss waking up happy.
I miss waking up smiling.
So, sometimes, I just sleep in. Because I know that when I do wake up, you won’t be any closer.

Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

And you smile. Not because you’re happy. Not because you feel like it. Not because the agony is fading. You smile because you want to love yourself; then, maybe, he’ll love you too.

I don't know if you remember saying that to me, but you did.

And, sure, it took a little while, but I came back.

I didn't know you were going to change your mind in all that time.

Or maybe I would have been a little quicker.

But I can't change that now, all I can do is wait.

I guess I’d just like to say that I’d move a mountain for you. I really would. But you don’t want me to move a mountain, you want me to walk away. And though I’ve said I’d do anything for you, I don’t know if giving up is one of those things. Maybe I should consider it, but, I can’t imagine my life without you in it. So, if you ever need anything else from me, you can have it. Just don’t tell me to leave.

Everyone in my class always knows when someone has asked me about you, because my voice changes, and I get this weird look in my eyes, I start smiling differently, and people have learnt to recognise your smile. They say my eyes hold love instead of hate, that everything else I talk about is so cold, and you…

I guess I can feel the change too; it’s a nice change. Maybe that’s why I think about you so much, because it makes me feel warm and beautiful, and everything falls into place.

I'd trade everything for one day. – edyka

Everyone asks me how you feel. What you think of all of this. What your solution is. The words “I don't know” just become more and more inadequate. “So ask” Well, I guess I’m too scared to ask. I don’t want to know how you feel because I’m scared that…

I'm scared that you don't care.

wishing you were somehow here again... – music_girl

I was having a beautiful day, and then I woke up.

Please explain this one small thing
Why is it you can’t see
Underneath my false pretence
To how much you mean to me

You see I have a problem that
I’m happy when you’re near
I spends my days, my weeks thinking
“I wish that he were here”

You’re so good at working things out
That’s what you tell me everyday
I’ve even learnt to believe you
After all the things you say

So why can’t you understand this?
After all the hints I left you
I don’t really want to tell you
I just wish that you knew

So I’m writing you this poem
Could you please just take a hint?
And tomorrow when I talk you
Don’t tell me that you didn’t

So please, just understand this!
I’m clean out of ideas
To let you understand, the pain

You’ve caused me, and the tears

Well in case you failed to notice,

In case you failed to see,

This is my heart bleeding before you,

My heart's yours for the taking. – Mandy

Have you ever met someone that, you just want them to be happy. You’d turn around and leave if that made them happy. You’d stick around, too, if that was what they wanted. And when it comes to what you want, well, you’d want it less if that worked too.

And now I have to go. Because if I stay here any longer, I'm going to hurt myself more, and I'm already hurt enough. So goodbye everyone, I hope you guys have a great Valentine's Day.