Funny...

It's funny how things happen...
One minute you're cuddling on the lounge watching NCIS:LA and the next you're addicted to pokemon blue. Addicted in that sad, terrible way that makes you not want to leave the house, or get out of bed, or shower. The way that makes you hate everyone around you for interrupting your training, the way that makes you long for the holidays to never be over. That makes you lose concentration when driving because your boyfriend has his tablet out and you're interested in his battles.
But I still don't know...
If it's the way that makes you hate everyone around you. Because I do. And I don't know why. For a girl who used to feel so much love, I now feel so much hate, so much anger. And I joke that I only have two friends. But I feel that that is true. The friend who you call when you have a car crash, crying to. And the friend that is there next to you, holding you, drying your eyes. Trying not to be mad.

I mean, sure, there are other people in my life. the people I text as we weave our way through peak hour traffic on Pennant Hills road.The people I get excited to see at parties, and the people I DNM about life boys with. But, as mum puts it, I don't have friends I see every few weeks.Which is apparently the normal length of time to go without seeing "friends". And here I thought it was twelve months...

---

But, I'm happy. I'm happy with the two friends I do have, and I'm happy with hating everyone else instead of hating myself. I'm happy with my life, and how things are going with it... I'm happy with where my life is going.
I've also started reading again these holidays, which is lovely, and I miss it.
So goodbye, for now. I will go and be happy.

World, you suck

I had a dream about you last night.
And all you did was hug.
You just held me until I could feel nothing but you, and all the pain went away because it was replaced by thoughts of you and how you felt in my arms.
Perhaps, it was the strongest dream I've ever had, and the one I most wish would come true. Yet, the one that has the least chance of coming true. Because it's you and me, and this is how it's always going to be.
I miss you.
In a way that makes me feel small and insignificant without you.
How can I be so utterly reliant on one human being for so much of my person?
But the fact is you knew me, and you loved me for me, not for the person you thought I was, and I only ever had to be me when I was with you.
I think you still have the piece of me that you took when you left, and I think I want it back.

I don't even know where this pain came from, that I feel.
I don't even know if you could take it away.
Sometimes, I just wake up, and I feel sad for no good reason.
And maybe you've changed, or maybe in my mind I've turned you into someone that you never were. And maybe, somehow, this person that I remember you to be never existed.
But if you could hug me, I think I would know.

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Amy showed me this picture today.
It's so very depressing that she sees this and instantly thinks of me.
Because that's who I am now, the person that hates people.
And it's all because of him, I think.

Well, I mean it started with hating him in an I-want-to-hate-you-but-you-won't-let-me-because-you're-so-nice-and-you're-not-meant-to-be-nice-and-it-was-so-much-easier-when-I-could-hate-you-because-now-it's-all-overly-complicated-and-I-feel-like-an-idiot way.
And then I went on to hating me because of how I feel about him.
And now I just hate everyone.
Which is just brilliant

Goodbye world, you suck.

After all of that, the part I hate most is that you told her first, instead of me.

Confession #11: I was not okay.

“Gravity doesn't exist. The Universe simply sucks.”

Someone is always better than you. – soulcages

I get it now.
Jealousy.
At least, I think that's what this it.
I mean, I'm no expert on the matter.
I just always thought it was an emotional pain.
But that's not true.
It's a physical pain.
It's where all of your joints lock up, and just laying down puts you in an unbelievable agony.
You can't feel your knees because of the pain running through each of them.
It's where your stomach feels like there are little bugs inside.
Slowly, eating away at everything inside.
Everything you have left.
And you feel empty.
It's where your back feels like it's been set on fire.
It's the pain that makes you lie awake at night, in your bed. Because sitting stil hurts.
So you sit up, and you rush through the thousand things you wish you could say.
Things that would make them understand how you feel.
And after a while, the pain stops.
Until you lay back down.
And allow it to consume you again.
Allow it to tear you apart from the seems again.


At least; I think that's jealousy.

Either that or I should really see a doctor.

Hatred.

Things I hate:

*When people don't read my blog

*Cats

*The colour pink

*Songs without lyrics (yes pink floyd, im looking at you)

*The concept of exercise

*Some teachers

*Feeling stupid

*Being cold

*Being tired

*Feeling sick

*Cheerleaders

*Shallow people (Mr Someone...)

*When people steal my mars bar in ag

*When both of my pairs of blue jeans are in the wash

*People who insult NCIS
*English staffroom.
*Teachers who give too much homework
*People who are purposely hard to get along with (<>)
*Not finding words in dictionary, or dictionary.com, or google define, or wikipedia (maybe they're not words)
*Not getting emails
*Inside jokes
*You. Just kidding =) a ha ha!
*People who discriminate
*Nights withought stars
*Days without clouds
*Double p.e.
*Skirts
*School uniform
*Seeing peoples ties under their collars
*When people are taller than me. I'm getting better though :L
*Forgetting things
*People who don't trust people they say they do
*Being judged
*Swine flu
*Being lonely in the rain
*When no one agrees with me
*Feeling alone