Clearly, I have too much to say

I have news.
No, really. I am not just blogging for the sake of it; I actually have something to say today.
I filled my entire memoir account!!
I know, I find it incredible myself.
I wrote 512 memoirs.
That’s, like, 3072 words. (I knew the calculator on the computer was good for something)
It’s exciting, isn’t it? I think so too.
Although, when you think about it, lots of them end up getting stuffed, so it’s only about, 503 memoirs. But that’s okay, because it’s still pretty damn good.

Yeah now I have nothing to say.
La di lah.
Hmm…

Oh wells, I have to get ready for work.

I’ll see you under the moon

PS: I’ll explain that one day I promise
PPS: I bought my creating connections kiddies lollies today!! Oh, I’m so generous. :)
PPPS: I got a haircut today!! Now it’s all awesome and not so annoying
PPPPS: I’m rinsing it black sometime this weekend too, because, well, I’m cool. :P

Because I can't help myself

I do this because I'm insane. Tagged by ML.



Dear Rosa,
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when your dog ran amok as you ate an enchilada and I saw you carve your initials into the crazy monk. I’m sure you’re scarred enough to understand that there is no solution to this. I’m returning the pictures from L.A to you, but I’ll keep your neighbour, Martin as a memory. You should also know that I always will remember the apartment building .

Go and drown yourself,

Ebony



RULES:

Do the “Letter MEME”. Tag no less than 5 other people, and leave them a comment, informing them that they have been tagged. Then copy the “How-to” Letter Meme, and finish your Journal entry.->

How you do the Letter Meme:



Dear (the last person who left a comment on your journal):

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I’m sure you’re ___6___ enough to understand ___7___. I’m returning ___8___ to you, but I’ll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ .

___12___,

-Your name-



1. What’s the color of your shirt?

Blue - Our romance is over

Red - Our affair is over

White - I’ll join the monastery

Black - I dislike you

Green - Our horoscope doesn’t match

Grey - You’re a pervert

Yellow - I’m selling myself

Pink - Your nostrils are insulting

Brown - The mafia wants you

No shirt - You’re a loser

Other - I’m in love with your sister



2. Which is your birth month?

January - That night

February - Last year

March - When your dwarf bit me

April - When I tripped on sesame seeds

May - First of May

June - When you put cuffs on me

July - When I threw up

August - When I saw the shrunken head

September - When we skinny dipped

October - When I quoted Santa

November - When your dog ran amok

December - When I changed tennis shoes



3. Which food do you prefer?

Tacos - In your apartment

Pizza - In your camping car

Pasta - Outside of Chicago

Hamburgers - Under the bus

Salad - As you ate enchilada

Chicken - In your closet

Kabob - With Paris Hilton

Fish - In women’s clothing

Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation

Lasagna - At the mental hospital

Hot dog - Under a state of trance

None of the above - With George Bush and his wife



4. What’s the color of your socks?

Yellow - Hit on

Red - Insult

Black - Ignore

Blue - Knock out

Purple - Pour syrup on

White - Carve your initials into

Grey - Pull the clothes off

Brown - Put leeches on

Orange - Castrate

Pink - Pull the toupee off

Barefoot - Sit on

Other - Drive out



5. What’s the color of your underwear?

Black - My best friend

White - My father

Grey - Bill Clinton

Brown - My fart balloon

Purple - My mustard soufflé

Red - Donald Duck

Blue - My avocado plant

Yellow - My penpal in Ghana

Orange - My Kid Rock-collection

Pink - Manchester United’s goalkeeper

None - My John F. Kennedy-statue

Other - The crazy monk



6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?

Scrubs - Man

O.C. - Emotional

One Tree Hill - Open

Heroes - Frostbitten

Lost - High

House - Scarred

Simpsons - Cowardly

The news - Mongolic

Idol - Masochistic

Family Guy - Senile

Top Model - Middle-class

None of the above - Ashamed



7. Your mood right now?

Happy - How awful I’ve felt

Sad - How boring you are

Bored - That Santa doesn’t exist

Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage

Depressed - That we’re cousins

Excited - That there is no solution to this.

Nervous - The middle-east

Worried - That your Honda sucks

Apathetic - That I did a sex-change

Ashamed - That I’m allergic to your hamster

Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men

Overjoyous - That I’m open

Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks



8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?

White - Your ring

Yellow - Your love letters

Red - Your Darth Vader-poster

Black - Your tame stone

Blue - The couch cushions

Green - The pictures from LA

Orange - Your false teeth

Brown - Your contact book

Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs

Purple - Your old lottery coupons

Pink - The cut toenails

Other - Your memories from the military service



9. The first letter of your first name?

A/B - Your photo

C/D - The oil stocks

E/F - Your neighbour Martin

G/H - My virginity

I/J - The results of your blood-sample

K/L - Your left ear

M/N - Your suicide note

O/P - My common sense

Q/R - Your mom

S/T - Your collection of butterflies

U/V - Your criminal record

W/X - David’s tricot outfits

Y/Z - Your grades from college



10. The last letter in your last name?

A/B - Always will remember

C/D - Never will forget

E/F - Always wanted to break

G/H - Never openly mocked

I/J - Always have felt dirty before

K/L - Will tell the authorities about

M/N - Told in my confession today about

O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about

Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about

S/T - Get sick when I think of

U/V - Always will try to forget

W/X - Am better off

/Z - Never liked



11. What do you prefer to drink?

Water- Our friendship

Beer - Senility

Soft drink - A new life as a clone

Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo

Milk - The apartment building

Wine - Cocaine abuse

Cider - A passionate interest for mice

Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations

Mineral water - Embarrassing rash

Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism

Whisky - To ruin the second world war

Other - To hate the Boston Celtics



12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?

Thailand - Warm regards

USA - Best regards

England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail

Spain - Go and drown yourself

China - Disgusting regards

Germany - With ease

Japan - Go burn

Greece - Your everlasting enemy

Australia - Greetings to your frog LeonardEgypt - Fuck off now

France - In pain

Other - Greetings to your freaky family





OK, i think only five people actually read my blog, so you've all been tagged. :L

Now copy it, and do it yourself!!

I know someone famous!

Today's blog has to include Alvi, because I told him on the bus today thay he should read my blog, and he says he doesn't read anyone's blog, but we all know he reads Amy's, and he says that's cuz she writes about him. So today, I am writing about Alvi (and he's gonna read it, HI ALVI!!).

If you guys have ever heard of him, it's probably because he's "Amy's friend" but he was actually my friend first. I met him in primary and now he catches my bus twice a week, and that's how he met Amy, one day when she was coming home with me.

Also, here's something cool, Alvi is going to be in All Saints, in 10 episodes time as Injured Guy's Best Friend. WATCH IT!!! He got paid $400 for it (But I won't hold that against him). Anyways, yay for Alvi.


But I have nothing else to say, really, I just wanted to keep up my posting everyday of recent times (and mention Alvi). I'm really tired actually, mainly because I'm not eating...

Oh yeah, I'm sick, again.

Ever since I went to this weird Thai food restaurant in Coolangatta (TRY AND SAY THAT WITHOUT SOUDING BOGAN). Anyways, now I'm getting really nauseous, so I've stopped eating things with fat or dairy in them. Yes, that's like, everything. Except lollies. And soft drink. Which I don't even like.
So yeah, I haven't had a meal in about 4 days or so, so now I'm really tired, and weak. Le sigh.

Oh wells, I have to go...

I'll see you under the moon.

Maybe there's some sort of 12 step program...

stupid hormones.
Stupid Hormones!
STUPID HORMONES!!
- itsleahfersure


Yeah, that's sort of all I wanted to say...

Bye then. I'll see you under the moon.

Unspeakable words I choose to write

‘One of the hardest things in life
is having words in your heart
that you cannot utter.’

So, for just one blog, I am going to utter the unutterable. And I am going to try very hard not to care what people think when they read it.

(This blog has actually been a long time in the making, but one day I got all pissy and deleted the stuff I was gonna write, so it’s all new and not very good, sorry)

Love disobeys all rules.
It’s the one thing that science can’t explain
And when people ask “what’s the reason for life?”, love is the only thing they can’t argue with.

Maybe that’s what makes it beautiful, the fact that it’s magical. It is totally unparallel to every other feeling. It does not conform to fit in with the rest of our world. It allows itself freedom and beauty. The only thing that really is beautiful.

You build up this defence so that no one sees you weak, you appear strong and powerful, and you feel it too. And then someone comes along and destroys it all in a single breath. And it’s not like you asked for it. Oh no, love doesn’t work like that, it doesn’t even make sense. You didn’t do anything to make this happen. They didn’t do anything either, except maybe something stupid like smile. And then you’re weak, weaker than you’ve ever been before. And you’re in pain. And it sets your soul on fire. So that you can’t bear the pain, and the only remedy is to think of them. Every second of everyday. To see parts of them in every part of the world. And then it doesn’t matter when you’re in pain… you just think of them, and everything is okay.

… I am such an idiot. :L

(Read in a British accent [HughGrant-esque])
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport. General opinion makes out that we live in a world of hatred and greed - but I don't see that – it seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there: fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge; they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love, actually, is all around.”

I just spent 10 minutes looking for that quote so you read it, okay?? (It’s the opening lines of loveactually.)
(To view it with the video, click here)

(Steals from Lizzie)

After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and that you really do have worth. You learn that with every goodbye, there's a hello.


I don't care how many fish there are in the sea.
I don't want a fish.
I want you.

What if I don’t care how you feel about me? What if it doesn’t matter if we “want different things”? What if I just want to be happy? What if I just want someone to think about that will make me smile instead of cry? So, what you say doesn’t really make a difference, I don’t need you to love me, or even like me, I just need you to let me love you. Because I’ve never been this happy before. And I don’t know if it’s because of you, I just know that you light up my life, everytime I talk to you. And I’m willing to give everything to keep those few opportunities I get to smile. I can’t explain how wonderful you make me feel, I just want to hold onto this feeling for as long as possible.

I think I love you too much, and it’s wrong, and you can’t deal with wrong, and so one of us is going to get hurt…again. Every part of me screams “Not him! Please, just not him!” and yet, I feel I can’t hurt myself over you again, because it would make me lose faith. In love, in God, in fate, in karma, in life. Still, that wouldn’t be as bad as hurting you… so I’ll just wait for you to break me.

(Steal from Amy)

Love is hurting like hell when you know they don’t love you back, but you still love them the same.
Love is not about being in a relationship, its about wanting to be a part of someone's life... unconsciously, non-stop
Love is when you finish being totally obsessed over someone and you just want to be there for them
Love is not the craving for something with them... it’s the craving for them... for them to be happy
Love is when you’re 1000 miles away, and your heart is tearing into bits
Love is... making me slowly drive insane
Love is not thinking about them every second, its thinking about them every millisecond
Love is walking a little longer, just to see the smile on their face
Love is feeling empty every night because you’re not with them
Love is a distraction when it comes to maths
Love is when a song plays; you twist the words to fit perfectly in your mind to make it sound like they are singing it
Love is... making my cheeks permanently red
Love is when you read a poem and you think that every poem is written just for you both to share
Love is seeing a new text message and wishing it was them sending it to you
Love is when you GET that text message from them, and you just look at it and breathe in and out and just stare at it for a while before you give in to the phone vibrating and open the message =)
Love is sitting at the computer all day, wishing they would go online just for a second
Love is when you see something cute... you think of them
Love is... making me a bit of a fool
Love is every one of those things and so much more

You know what? No. Not anymore. I disagree, I am not in love with you. I was, and now I just…
Wow, it’s so hard to explain.
I need for you to be happy. And everytime I see you’re hurt, I ache for me to be the person to make you happy. Whether it’s because I want you to love me, or because I know that if I help someone so flawless, I become a better person and I actually do the right thing, I’m not sure. I just know that it’s unbearable. That’s why I’m writing this. Because if I could just live with it, I would, but I can’t. Because I want someone to say “I know what you’re going through”, or “it’s okay, you won’t always feel like that”, or “do you need a hug?” Because I need someone to understand.. Because I need you to know…More than that… I need you to care.

You know how people block out particularly hazardous memories? I don’t remember a whole month of my life. Since then, I’ve heard that I was pretty messed up. That I didn’t smile, that I randomly stared into space, even that I randomly cried, that people would ask me questions over and over, and never get my full attention. And my sister… she still asks what happened, she said, it was awful, that she’d never seen me like that.
I don’t remember, I’ve never been able to remember. I don’t want to.
I can’t do it again.
And I’m being selfish, and immature, and unfair and… foolish.
And I don’t care.
Because more than anything I need you to understand this, and I need you to care, at least a tiny bit, how I feel.

Just… don’t… leave.

And I’m scared.
I’m really, really scared.
Of everything.
I’m scared of how you’ll react to this.
I’m scared of what other people think of me for being so stupid.
I’m scared I’m lying to myself.
I’m scared of what you think of me.
I’m scared of losing you.
I’m scared that there’s nothing to lose.
I’m scared of life.

I want those 3 weeks.
The ones you’ve probably forgotten about.
And the person who offered me them.
Who you have also probably forgotten about.

Or those 3 wishes.
You’ve probably forgotten about those too…

And yes, I know what you’re gonna say, but…
Thought you should know,
I’ve tried my best to let go of you,
But I don’t want to

I dunno if I even wanna post this, because I’m sure I’ll regret it… but I don’t backspace anymore, so, I guess it’s set in stone.
Well, here goes nothing.

I am halfway through writing about my holiday, and if I don't write this half, I'll never get any of it done. Don't read it if you don't wann, it's not all that exciting. I just want something that I can remember my holiday by.
Enjoy.
Oh, and don't ask about the countdown, if you guys haven't figured it out yet, you never will, and I will never tell you :P.

Day 1
14-01-09
Countdown: 309

Left home eventually at 11:45. Listened to my brilliant homemade CD in car. Stopped at Hungry Jack’s for lunch which made my Dad’s day. Arrived at Laurieton at 6:00 to everyone’s shock. Had dinner, caught up with people, and went to sleep.

Day 2
15-01-09
Countdown: 308

Bratty children and yappy dogs woke everyone up at 7:30. Continued pretending (to myself an others) to be asleep until 10. Got up, had breakfast. Got changed, headed off to Port. Had a coffee, went shopping, and retained my title as The World’s Best Window Shopper. Went back to the house to visit Shaarn, then hit the beach. Went to pool where Shaarn was working. Then had pizza and went to kids’ bingo (‘cause we had little kids there too) (we totally rocked the 8 year olds in karaoke)

Day 3
16-01-09
Countdown: 307

Woke up, packed car and headed off. Stopped by a bakery (some of us forgot breakfast) and then drove to Hat Head. Family went snorkeling whilst I built a sandcastle :L. Then we drove to Coffs, caught up with fam friends, and went to sleep.

Day 4
17-01-09
Countdown: 306

Woke up. Had breakfast. Drove out to Park Beach Plaza. Bought Michael Buble’s “Call me Irresponsible” for $10. Had lunch at subway (I dunno if you guys know how much I love subway, but seriously, if you could marry a sandwich…). Then bought food for dinner, went back to the house and ate. Talked a lot, played Pictionary and Buzz, and eventually went to sleep.

Day 5
18-01-09
Countdown: 305

Woke up, got dressed. Talked a lot. Ate all through the morning until 1:30 when we went to the butterfly farm. Quickly stopped by beach on way home. Had random meal and played Taboo and Buzz, before heading off to sleep.

Day 6
19-01-09
Countdown: 304

Woke up. Packed car. Started very long drive and listened to 70s CDs. Stopped at Ballina for lunch. We had salad. And ate them on the water. Also stopped quickly at Byron Bay (now that’s my kind of place). Finally arrived at Burleigh and checked in at 4:45. Walked to Coles to buy food, and the Noodle Box for dinner. Went home, ate and slept.

Day 7
20-01-09
Countdown: 303

Woke up at 7 (Which is 8, Sydney time). When everyone was awake, we went down to the pool. Also tried out the spa and sauna (my pores are clean now :S) Walked across the road to the beach. Remember that I hate the beach. Went back to apartment. Watched the world go by, then went down to the pool to read. After that, we went shopping at Pacific Fair (this is the world’s best shopping centre, trust me). Then we had a coffee, and went home. Me, Mum + Nikki made dinner. I wrote random thoughts (and memoirs!) then went to sleep.

Return of the monster

Well, I’m back! (Just in case you’re too stupid to realise). And I have less than 24 till school, so I really shouldn’t be blogging, but I have a few revelations to share with you.

I come back a very different person to the one who left. I am happy with my self (which still feels weird), I love myself, actually, finally. It feels nice, to be at peace with myself, to know who I am and where I stand, and to be content with that.
I still haven’t made up my mind about a lot of things in my life, especially the direction it’s going, but I’ve decided that I will let my life live itself, and just made a few corrections along the way. After all, I have no idea how to do things the right way.
I walk different, I talk different, I think different, I even look different. I think this will take people a while to get used to. Remember: I am still me. The very crazy, very, very silly girl we all know and love. Just less crazy and more silly =)

I have lots to tell you about my holiday (which will hopefully go a lot better than last time), and I will do that… eventually.
So, I’ll be back. =). And until then… I’ll be thinking of you ;)

Random.

It’s not with any of the other parts

PART CINCO

___________________ ___

A lot of that time I spent with Luke is blanked out in my mind. There were days I was so happy I would walk around in a daze. Speaking only when spoken to. Always singing of daydreaming or both. I remember waking up thinking “this is as good as it gets” and it was. I was living out my fairytale.
Luke and I didn’t spend every single second together. We balanced friends, family and school as well, only to reward ourselves with each other. That time was truly divine.
We weren’t like dream couples out of romance novels, because love didn’t rule our lives, we could be happy apart. We visited each other’s families together, and texted each other when we were apart. We shared jokes and stories; we were about so much more than romance. We inspired each other to do our best and never settle. And we did. We trusted each other so completely we became the best of friends.
I used to lie in bed at night and imagine his touch, and then dream of him. I woke up smiling. When I pictured him hugging me, I felt safe. And that’s how I became obsessed with him. But we kept our boundaries and our focus. In all honesty, we were the essence of perfection.
We agreed on all important issues, and bickered incessantly over the little things, such as what made a rainbow and why the sky was blue. In the end we’d agree to Google it, and we each enjoyed being proven right. But we were not competitive, just aching to learn more of each other, which we did, every single day.

_______________________

It’s sort of a summary… kinda.

More of my silly story.

OK, this is totally separate to the rest of it (he’s still alive!!) it’s before the other stuff

PART CUATRO

________________________

“You cheated on me Luke!” Of course he was no different to all the others, how could I be so stupid?
“Yeah, but it wasn’t like that”
“Oh yeah? What was it like then?”
He looked frustrated, incapable of channelling his angst into something so simple as words. “You don’t get it, do you?” he asked me.
“Get what?”
“You’ve been loved your entire life! One guy to the next, there’s always been someone chasing after you”
“Get to the point, Luke” If he thought bringing up my less-than-perfect track record was gonna help his case, he was very wrong.
“I’ve NEVER been loved before you” Still hard to believe, but true.
“And?”
“And some days I think maybe you’ll wake up to what everyone else has seen, and fall out of love with me too. Sometimes I’m scared you’re just delusional, and I’m not really loveable.”
Delusional?
“I guess, just knowing that someone else COULD be interested in me, it was comforting”
Oh my goodness, how did he turn this back around on to me? And yet, it made such perfect sense.
“Nothing happened Elle, I promise”
Yeah, and I believed him. I always believed him.
“Forgive me?” How could I not??
“If you do something for me in return.”
“Anything”
I wrapped my arms around him in a huge hug, and leant my mouth to his ear. “Forgive me for overreacting?”
He turned to look at me, and smiled. “I love you Elle” And he leant in and kissed me.

________________________

Hehe, ok, you have to forgive the 12 year old part of me that wrote the ending :L

I know it doesn't make sense...

This is Elle’s thoughts on Luke’s letter. =)
PART TRES

_______________________

He was right. I wouldn’t have read his letter, I was too mad at him. And I was insecure, which was why I questioned his feelings. I don’t know whether I will ever forgive myself for giving up my only shot at love for my insecurities, and I don’t know if I will ever meet another quite the same as Luke. He was inhumanely divine, everything I could possibly want, and yet, somehow, so much more than that.

Everyday I woke up questioning what he saw in me. What was the thing that drew him to me? And I did not trust myself enough to credit it to my heart. Searching for a way to feel good about myself, I lost the only person to make me feel just that. Strange how karma works, isn’t it?

_____________________

Luke's Letter

Back to my story, now you can ready the letter.

PART DOS

________________________

Dear Elle,
I know you have little patience when it comes to shallow people, and you can’t bear the thought that I am one such person. The truth is, I don’t like your “prettiness” any more than any other part of you. I love you as a whole.

I don’t think ‘love’ is an adequate word, actually, because this feeling in me has gone beyond that. Your mind is my favourite place in the world. Exploring your thoughts each day is a thrill for me, finding out how you feel about everything is my favourite hobby. I love that you have the unbelievable wit to challenge everything I say, causing me to understand myself more every day.

I love that you have the compassion to want more for everyone around you when you can’t have more for yourself. I love that you are insecure enough to question how I feel about you, that you truly, humbly think that little of yourself. And I love the way you think I am worlds above you.

You are my life now, is what I’m trying to say. Without you there would be no purpose for everything I do. If I lose you for what I said the other day I could never forgive myself, and if you don’t take the time to read this, I fear you will never forgive me.

I love you. All of you. Every single part. Never question that.

Yours till the day I die,

Luke.

_______________________

We’re all going “NGAWWW” right now, aren’t we? :L
It’s a little bit too cheesy (as in 'Hang on a sec whilst I throw up')… but I dunno if I’ll change it or not. Who can be bothered??

For Entertainment Purposes...

Ok, so if I don’t blog during my holiday, I have officially failed at my Resolutions before January is even finished. And that is just pathetic (not completely unexpected, but still, pathetic). So I’m gonna write my story. However much of it I get written before I leave. =) And autopost it.

Ok, so I had this huge internal debate with myself, because, I don't know if I actually want any of you to read this, because my story is so personal to me...

And then I told myself to get over it and if people don't like it that's their problem, and that I'm just being insecure and stupid.

I dunno if I'm okay with it yet, but, I'll let you guys read it anyway.

on from last time

Part Uno

_________________________

… that was the last time I saw Luke Moore. Such a perfect being as he was, heaven claimed him the following morning, and I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry, I never got to tell him that I loved him too.

I guess, after time, I understand what he meant that day. If I wasn’t pretty I would be different, and he saw me as being as untouchable as I saw him. I do have to admit that I loved him for his looks too. Moreover, I loved how he looked because it reminded me of who he was on the inside.

Sometime after that day, his family gave me his diary. In it, he had the draft of a letter he wrote that night, to me, it read as follows:

___________________________

Ehe, and now you have to wait to read the letter. Haha.

PS: I know, it’s gone all tragic. But it’s a nice tragic? Oh wait, you guys haven’t read the Prologue… I’ll write it for you later. :L Then you’ll get why he dies.

Wow, I get crazier when I'm tired

I voted for sleep; writing won. – Nosygrrl

I feel bad for not posting much. Even though I warned you.
Do I am gonna write about The World’s Most Awesomest Songs, which is basically every song that I’m into at the moment. Warning: Tomorrow I may hate these songs, but that’s just what I’m like.
I’ll start with the most recent additions to my phone playlist… and then just randoms. (Soorry about my Westlife obsession, but they are sooooooo cooooool.)

Just as lost as everyone else. – ell-oh-vee-ee13

1. So Young – The Corrs. This song is cool
Best part: We are chasin' the moon
Just running wild and free
We are following through
Every dream and every need
And it really doesn't matter if we don't eat
And it really doesn't matter if we never sleep
No it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all
Coz we are so young now

Watch sun dance across morning sky – cicada

2. What Can I Do – The Corrs.
Best part: I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

i think i think too much. – time4change

3. Would You Be Happier – The Corrs. (Only a little obsessed)
Best part: Did you ever wonder where the story ends, and how it all began,
I do
Did you ever dream you were the movie star with popcorn in your hand,
I did
Do you ever think you're someone else inside, when no one understands,
you are
And wanna disappear inside a dream but never wanna wake,
wake up
Then you stumble on tomorrow, and trip over today

Still stopping to smell the rainbows. – M. Ritchie

4. Gives You Hell – All American Rejects
Best part: Now you’ll never see, what you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories they’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies, you can look me in the eyes
With that sad, sad look that you wear so well

404: Life could not be found. – Ryan Harthkopf

5. Something Right – Westlife
Best part: If you want me I must be doing something right
I got nothing left to prove
And it's all because of you
So if you need me
And baby I make you feel alive
I know I must be doing
Doing something right

Does he think about me, too? - coulda.been.a.comet

6. Paper Bag – Anna Nalick (I know I wrote a lot, I’m sorry)
Best part: be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"

She tries hard not to cry – jenOHside

7. Mandy – Westlife (originally by some other dude… but who cares??)
Best part: The night goes into
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me

i'm not allowed to love you... – Harriet Taylor

8. Flying Without Wings – Westlife
Best part: You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

You breathe music? Yeah, me too. – singitloud

9. World of our own – Westlife (Anyone else sensing a pattern?)
Best part: We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you?
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you?

Smile; Happy looks good on you. – Kaida

10. Unbreakable – Westlife
Best part: Swept away on a wave of emotion
Over caught in the eye of the storm
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine

He makes the words seem beautiful. – Snowdrop54

11. Loneliness Know Me By Name – Westlife
Best part: The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

find your song. then live it. - jace(slowhand)

12. Every little thing you do – Westlife
Best part: It's every little thing you do
That makes me fall in love with you
There isn't a way that I can show you
Ever since I've come to know you
It's every little thing you say
That makes me wanna feel this
There's not a thing that I can point to
'Cause it's every little thing you do

I know what I'm wishing for... – coulda.been.a.comet

13. No Place That Far – Westlife
Best part: If I had to run
If I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers
Just to climb a thousand walls
Always know that I would find a way
To get to where you are
There's no place that far

For him, I'll trade them all. – edyka

14. Can’t Lose What You Never Had – Westlife
Best part: Fear of rejection, kept my love inside,
But time is running out, so damn my foolish pride,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy,
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad,
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had

Find myself reflected by song lyrics. – Luise



And that is as much of my insanity as I am showing you today.



OK, so… I don’t really like my blog anymore. (But it’s green! Has anyone told me it’s green?). Because it makes me feel like I have to be something I’m not. :S. And I KNOW that’s stupid because I’m never anything (anyone?) I’m not here. I just…
I’m soo not a blog person.
I am a Keep Secrets To Myself and Intrigue People Because They Don’t Get Me person.
In fact, this blog wasn’t supposed to be… a blog. (I’ve lost it. Help, anyone?)
Does ANYONE remember why I made it??

If crazy is cool, I'm awesome – jenOHside

Of course not. Because now it is just a little piece of my mind that I get to share with people, and you assume that’s what it’s always been.
But ALL of my favourite posts (apart from the insane ones, because, well, I’m insane) were the ones that carried on the initial purpose of my blog. (Confused much?).
And those posts ended on November 22.
And ever since then this has been a bloggy-blog. AND I DON’T LIKE IT ANYMORE.

So I shall whinge and do nothing to change it. And you shall put up with my whinging and say ‘Why did you start it?’ and ‘You can be yourself Ebony’ and blah-di-blah. And sure, I can be myself, but I can’t be who I want to be.

(Yeah, NOW you’re thinking ;))

I'll never understand what that meant. – coulda.been.a.comet

You may join me if you want =L

Attention stalkers.

(N2S: Stop stealing Amy’s stuff)

I will be going on holidays soon.
Yes, I know you are very disappointed because everyone keeps asking me to do things with them and I keep saying “Oh sorry, I’ll be in Queensland” (You have no idea how cool that feels)
And before then, I probably won’t blog much. Because, well, I have a life. Or at least a job. Which is occupying me for the next 5 days straight. Oh how kind. Because the last 6 days have been so awesome.
(Have I mentioned that I got today of?? They asked me to work 3 times!!! And I said “Oh sorry, I’ve already worked for 6 days straight”) (It feels so nice to reject work, so that the person on the other end of the line feels like a complete idiot)

(N2S: Stop using brackets)

Anyways, back to my stalkers.

I will be leaving next Wednesday.

(But I won’t be here on Monday or… part of Tuesday? I dunno, my parents are insane and keep organizing shit to get me away from my computer/blog) (I’m sure they’re just jealous because it kicks ass)

And I will be traveling to Laurieton(Near Port Macquarie) and staying with my ex-neighbour. (Which should be… fun?) for 2(?) nights. And then going to Bonville (near Coffs) and staying for 3(?) nights with my mummys friend from kindy. (How cute that they’re still in touch. I don’t talk to anyone from kindy anymore).

And then I will be going to… Burleigh? (I’ll pretend that’s how you spell it) and staying there for a week in some cool resort with an indoor AND outdoor pool. (Because one is never enough)

And then I will come home and stay somewhere on the way for a night because my family isn’t into long trips.

And then we has school. And I get to go back and ‘Create Connections’ with yr 7ers. And Douglas. :L

So, if I die in a car crash on the way there (I think my sis is driving for a bit) I love you all. And if I survive, I'll tell you the truth :)

(Amy: If I DO die, and my sister too, you can have all my stuff =) Otherwise she gets it. Well, you can share)

(And I wasn't kidding about that not getting another chance to blog thing. I mean, there are limited ours in a day, and I need my beauty sleep[do you think gorgeous just happens?] and work keeps ringing at 9:30am which really doesn't help with the sleeping process)

So, ciao. I'll see you under the moon =)

Who's gonna miss me?

I have some sad news.
When I go on holidays I won’t be able to blog.
You’re all upset, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU???
:L I didn’t think so. But, pretend?
Anyways, I’ll be away for 2 whole weeks!! :O:O
Yeah, NOW you’re upset, AREN’T YOU??
Nevermind. =)
And yet, I have nothing to write now.

Le sigh. Must stop doing that.

I have a lot of my story that I’ve written… but I can’t be bothered to type it all out, so you will have to live without it for a bit longer.

I have a whole bunch of pretty pictures, but haven’t written anything to go with them, and I don’t just waste pictures.

I really truly have nothing to say…

I went shopping today.
I hate shopping.
I know, I’m an insult to girls all over the world.
But I got to eat Subway.
Who knew a sandwich could taste so good?
Anyways, my life is currently uneventful, sort of.
Which is good, sort of.
:L:L

Full moon on Sunday.
My sister: “You’ll start howling at her any day now”
She thinks I’m obsessed… pshh.
She also thinks that maybe the moon is my mothership.…

Oh how right she is. =)

Oh wells, I wil leave now, before my Mum gets home and starts screaming at me for being on my computer. (And people wonder why I wake up at 9am).

See you under the moon.

Let's look into my mind...

Because I'm so tired, yet haven't blogged in what feels like forever and has only been a matter of hours... I'm gonna show you my favourites from the next 91 memoirs (up to my last 100). I only have space for about 70 more in my account, and that is extraordinarily saddening. So I'm not gonna write my next 9 to make these out of my next 100, because space is precious. If I make a new account, everything changes. (Although nothing does...)
Anywho, here goes nothing.

Trying to do what's right. Unsuccessful.

Every thing reminds me of you.

Don't like life. What's plan B?

I'd do anything to see you.

Painting the colour of your smile.

I'll always be second place, though.

Tomorrow will be my greatest adventure.

Wish my teddy bear was you.

Tell me, are you happy now?

Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.

I want to be a superlative.

I would wait forever for you.

Trying so hard to stay strong.

And for once, I feel alive.

I think about you too much.

I'd share my moon with him.

Attempting to give up on love.

Want only thing I can't have.

Grandmother's death pieced family back together.

Only ever felt beautiful with him.

Just trying to figure myself out.

Without you, I wouldn't know happiness

Slow-danced in rain with best friend.

Drifting slowly between conciousness and fantasy.

Because, one day you'll notice me.

Need to stop crying over you.

Inspiration comes from the smallest things.

Please stay alive for another day.

Thought I knew what love was.

Dear God,
It's not funny anymore.

Don't you know? I'm yours, forever.

Frightened of mirrors, glass, cameras, self.

Mum, you don't really know me.

They're in a random order, so lots of it doesn't make sense :L But who wants their mind to make sense anyway?

So, anyways, yay me for being awesome, and writing such pretty shit.
Goodnight all.
(I'll see you under the moon)

My parents think I'm immature...

I guess I never thought it was gonna get this bad.
I know that my parents’ relationship has never been spot on, they nearly broke up the week before their engagement(they were arguing when my Dad proposed), and they almost divorced on their honeymoon (two control freaks shouldn’t share a two person bicycle). But I’ve always had faith that if they could work things out in the past, they’ll be able to work them out in the future. And then my mum said “Has anyone seen my wedding ring? Not that I really need it anymore but…” and she walked out of the room.

You see, yesterday, my parents planned to go over to my Aunty’s for New Year. But during the day, Mum had to work, so me and Dad and Nikki went to Manly. On the way back we rang mum, to tell her we’d be over to my Aunty’s house in about five minutes, and that we’d see her soon (she was still at home). In about 20 minutes we get a phone call, she thought we were gonna pick her up on the way, we thought we were gonna meet her there. She got really pissed off and hasn’t spoken to my father since.
I’ve told her it was just a misunderstanding, but she keeps saying how self-centred he was. Now when my Dad talks to her she looks at him, then looks away and doesn’t answer. Dad just gets us to ask, so all their conversations go through me or my sister.
Come on!! They’re not 5 year olds anymore, they should be able to sort out their problems without resorting to “I’m not talking to you anymore” and “Would you ask you father to pass me the…”
I really need to talk to someone about this. There’s someone I wanna tell cause they’re going through the same thing, but I can’t because we don’t talk about personal things. Someone else who’s going through the same thing, but I don’t wanna bring it up in case I hurt them. Someone else who’s going through the same thing, but they think I’m overreacting. Someone else who’s going through the same thing, but all our conversations centre around them and now it’s such a drag to talk them at all.
I need a hug too. My sister doesn’t like hugging, my Dad always thinks there’s something wrong if I hug him randomly, my Mum’s always in a bad mood. “I’ll play as long as your father doesn’t. You father’s an arse”
…

And next time I blog I swear it will be happy =)
Cuz I’m still smiling. Like, not right now, but in general, I’m still happy, I’m trying to ignore this as much as possible.… Dammit, I need a hug.

Happy New Year... finally.

OK, I know it’s been a while, but do you remember my story??

Good. Anywho. I have somehow been inspired to continue writing it.

It’s not very good, but you guys will probably read it anyway.
___________________________________________

He clamped my forearms with his hands, and looked me straight in the eyes “Just ask me” he said “Whatever it is, just ask me”
I hesitated, but finally gave in “Would you love me even if I wasn’t pretty?” I asked. His hands dropped, he looked away, and paused.
“Answer me!” I was worried, if he was avoiding the question that could only mean…
“That’s not fair Ellie” he said
“Yeah? Why not?”
“Because that’s like asking if I would love you if weren’t clever or talented or caring, I love you for all of you.”
We’d been through this conversation a million times in my head, and that was more or less the reply I was expecting.
“Wrong answer”
I spun around and walked away.
___________________________________________

Yeah, there’s more, but it gets worse :L so I’ll just leave you with that.
___________________________________________

Now I haven’t actually said Happy New Year to anyone, (except on MSN) cuz I already wasted 25 cents on all of you at Christmas, and I'm not exactly made of money. So here is my New Year Message:
(note that this way is free =))
(warning: it gets soppy :L)

I hope that 2009 is a great year for all of you. I hope you all grow to understand yourselves and your friends better. I hope nothing ever holds you back from doing something you want to do, and that you find the strength within yourself to fight for what’s right, and make a difference.
Make it a year of memories. Live for every moment, treat each day as if it were your last, and never regret anything that once made you smile. On second thoughts, never regret anything at all. Laugh and smiles lots, but cry lots too. Especially with friends.
Follow you heart. Whatever you’re doing, follow your heart. Trust yourself and your instincts. And every day, wake up with a smile of your face thinking “Ebony loves me”.

See that wouldn't ave fit in a text message anyway :L.

I make myself smile, now.

I am the world’s biggest wuss.
And it’s taken me forever to realise too.
But last night, just after New Year, everyone was going crazy with sparklers, and I am so totally scared of them. (so’s my sister, shuttup, it’s smart to be scared of fire)
And for years I would put up with them, and tell myself than I’m being stupid, and that I’ll actually enjoy myself when playing with one… and I never do.
And it’s only now that I have the courage to stand up to myself, and do things because I want to, not because I should.
And that’s one of the reasons I’m happy now.

And also because I’m insane
No, seriously.

Everytime something little but good happens, it makes me smile, and I say to myself “focus on the little things, Ebony” (occasionally I saw it out loud too…)
And then when something little but bad happens I saw “don’t worry about it, it’s just a little thing”

And eventually, my head will figure out that I am lying to it, and I will be depressed again. And until then, I will smile. Lots and lots and lots.
And scare lot of people ;)

The Perfect Man

He’d take me to the beach.
A deserted beach. But still a warm one.
And we’d go crazy in the ocean together.
And then, after a few minutes, he’d know.

He’d know that after I had too much salt in my eyes and too much water up my nose and had been dumped by too many waves, it was time to build our castle.
And it would be no children’s castle.
This would be my fairytale castle.

He would also know that as not only someone completely terrorised by OCD, but also as an engineer’s daughter, my castle would have to be perfect.
It would be taller than any other sandcastle, and it would have a moat surrounding it.
And when the tide was right, each wave would fill the moat, and then draw away leaving it hinting at water.
There would be a bridge over the moat, which would lead to my complete city of bridges and tunnels that I have wanted to build forever!
(One day, I was really close, and then some teenage brat came and jumped on it, I cried for hours)

And he would put up with my making every single part of castle perfect, because I’ve never built the perfect sandcastle, and it’s about time I did.
He would find me a stick, and a leaf, and make me a flag.
Then he would put it on my perfectly rounded castle with walls exactly perpendicular to the ground and not sloping, and it would be complete.

Then we’d take a photo of the castle, and watch the tide sweep it away.


Oh my gosh. I am totally dillusional. :L
Anyways, this is all inspored by AMY, (Again) for writing about HER perfect man :L:L