Wonderful

So there's this realisation that I had yesterday.
Glorious yesterday.
Waking up next to you
And going bowling with you
And eating a pretzel with you
That you almost let me finish

I had this realisation
That you let me be me
You are ok
With me having my own life
And my own interests
Distinct from yours.

You don't ask me to do things
Just because you like them
You don't make me watch your movies
Or listen to your music
Or play your games
You get excited when I ask to
But you never ask me to

And I think, that's very new and different for me
To not have be anything
Except me
And I love it
I love being able to be me
And letting you be you
And not judging each other for who we are

We are very different people
And we have very different interests
And you pretend to understand physics
And I pretend to understand computer... things
And everything is wonderful
And you are wonderful



Oh my gosh Ebony, stop writing about your fucking boyfriend, we get the picture.

Let's void some warranties, my love

the worth of anything

I don't want to be the person that bugs you to talk to me anymore, that saves our conversation from peril. You aren't that important. I would rather play with my neopets.

And I've realised that maybe I made the wrong decision with you and I should have given you more of a chance. I just can't do this forever. At some point, enough is enough.

I'm sorry for getting angry at you but I'm more that you didn't care. You never care. You get pissed off, but you don't care. For once in your goddamn life, give a fuck about someone else.

"Don't be humble. You're not important enough."
I like that. I like it a lot.

And I don't know if you're modest or crazy. Maybe I just want to be you...

So you say "it's a date" and he says "no it's not it's an appointment"...

Maybe all our loneliness is just an illusion
And I could say the same about our happiness...

Sometimes life does something utterly amazing like give you a book or introduce you to someone and it's like the planets have alligned for you.
But I do take this as an indicator of what should be.
An extension on an assignment doesn't mean you leave it to the last minute...
A conversation with a friend doesn't mean you stop living your own life.

How can I be there for you when I'm so busy being there for myself?

How can anything be worth anything if it lasts forever?

Complexities

"Let me submit to you that this is the actual definition of a good life. You want to be the kind of person who other people—people who may not even born yet—will think about in their own silences years from now at their own commencements... We may be taught that the people to admire and emulate are actors and musicians and sports heroes and professionally famous people, but when we look at the people who have helped us, the people who actually change actual lives, relatively few of them are publicly celebrated. We do not think of the money they had, but of their generosity. We do not think of how beautiful or powerful they were, but how willing they were to sacrifice for us—so willing, at times, that we might not have even noticed that they were making sacrifices."
John Green, Commencement Address at Butler University, 2013

A billion universes just wanting to be left alone

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with our friendship to joke that we were on a date. I'm just not sure if I feel that comfortable yet. Maybe I am distancing myself from you because I don't want you to get the wrong idea? A year ago I would have been willing to go along with all of it, but things have changed since then. People have changed since then.
I like that you think I'm an essential part of your life, and that you should take me with you everywhere; you should. I like to think that I could be the voice inside your head. What is it like in your head?

---

What is it like to be in any head besides my own? The realisation that other people have lives as vivid and complex and important as my own is one which it has taken a while to make. Perhaps it is a slow realisation for everyone because it is not how humans think, or how they should thinnk. The sense of self is an extremely important part of our species' evolution as it has taught us to prioritise our own lives and feelings and needs ahead of those of others, making the stronger of us dominant. Whilst this is an ideal condition, there is something to be said for empathy.
Which I suppose is the largest conflict in my head at the moment; the entire purpose of life, in a round-about sort of way. Do we want to better society or better understand society? Do we want to give a man a fish or teach him to fish? Do we want to catch a single fish by accident, or learn the art of fishing?
Or.. do we just want to eat meat?

Maybe my life would be easier if I didn't think it was all such a huge fucking metaphor.

Thank you and goodnight.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I haven’t blogged in a while. I would say that I’ve been busy, but honestly, I’ve been living. Not excessively, like, I don’t have a life or anything, but, I’ve been talking to people for the first time in a while, which is really nice because I’m about hide in a hole for six weeks whilst I study for the death that is the HSC.

.
.
.

Food for thought:
"While the Thirty years War was heating up - a war that would lay waste to all of central Europe - this man was seeking peace, order, clarity and absolute, ultimate certainty about himself and the world. first, he established a rule that he would not consider anything true that could not be recognized clearly and distinctly. And he cast doubt on everything that could be open to doubt. He would not trust his eyes, nor any of his other senses; it was too easy to be led astray. He groped his way forward skeptically. Even thinking could not be relied on. Maybe an evil demon was distorting his thoughts. But wait - isn't there something that lies beyond any doubt? If I cast doubt on everything, he thought, I cannot doubt that I am doubting, and that I am the one doing the doubting. and if I know while doubting it is I who am doubting, i must be thinking that I doubt. There is thus an undoubtable certainty, a first principle that precedes all others: I think, therefore I am!"-Who Am I? And if so, how many? by Richard David Precht



I was living in your house and I was driving your car and I was living your life; the life you left behind. Did I appreciate it as much as you would? Do I appreciate the time I spend with your children? If you could be here now, what would you do? What would you say? If I could give it all back to you, I would. But I know you didn't want it anymore. You didn't want your life without her and I can understand that. Your devotion to each other was a beautiful thing to see, the way you would tell each other off and chase each other around; always joking but never too much. It would be nice to know someone that well, to be able to know what they want, what they think without ever having to ask. I miss your voice, I miss your smell. I miss you.



"We don't wanna sleep
Just wanna stay up
There's so much to say
And not enough hours in the day

We'll laugh 'til we cry
Read each others minds
Live with a smile
Make it all worthwhile" - Aly & AJ










I never thought of myself as one of the broken people. I never knew that I fit the description that I so obviously search for. I didn't realise that I was incapable of believing in happiness. It took you telling me today that I am only happy on the outside, it took me admitting that I don't believe I have the potential to be happy forever, for me to see that I'm not all sunshine and lollipops. And I want to be, I so want to be. I want to be so much that I've convinced myself I am. Turns out I've been lying to myself all along










"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

I hate me without you

Okay, so today we're heading off for a week long holiday down to Merry Beach which is a cool name because it sounds like even the beach wants me to be happy. Although, you know, obviously it doesn't, because it's a beach, and if the people in my life don't want me to be happy, I'm pretty sure a beach won't either.



I want to be the kind of person that wants to go on a holiday with my family. I want to be the kind of person who can enjoy myself in the company of my mum without feeling like I need to talk to someone else to actually bring me some happiness.
I feel so lonely sometimes.



Anyway, I basically just wanted you to know that I am going. Today. And coming back in a week. And I will miss you. I think I'll miss me too.



Ok, well, I'm off to put my life together =)
Be good, and don't talk to strangers unless they offer you candy or a ride.

Things of relevance

Hmm, I haven't posted anything of relevance in a while :L
Shailin was telling me on Friday that she found my blog a while ago, and was amazed that I'm blogging, because everyone gave up on the blogspot craze ages ago (yeah, and moved on to facebook, wait, what?)

So yeah, I don't know what to say now :S



I think that's my problem, I need someone to live for. Or something equally stupid and pathetic...



Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night .



I thought that maybe seeing your beauty again could make me forget how ugly the rest of the world is. I thought that the lack of your pulchritudinous smile was the reason I chose to hate people. I realise now that this smile had only heightened my hatred of people, mainly because wanting to see this smile so much has heightened my hatred of myself.



Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say "I feel I no longer have to be James Dean",
and She'll say,
"Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you".

and it will be
Love Love Love
All through our bodies
Love Love Love
All through our minds
and it'd be
Love love Love
All over her face



So I know we've sort of been avoiding each other lately, but you told me that if I ever needed a friend, you would always be there. So today I decided I would talk to you, and I'm glad I did, because you are quite nice and I miss you sometimes. One day, we should be friends :L



To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ;
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from



I talk to you because you make me feel good about me
And that is mean and manipulative, and oh so very me
And I'm sorry.
You are such a lovely person
And I think I'm taking advantage of that?
I would love to get to know you better though
Thankyou for not trying to be something you're not

My softer world

Confession #32: I hate when I upset you. I wasn't crying because you're an arsehole. I was crying because I made you feel like one. I love you.

"It's not a stoplight. It's a pause for peace."

"Just walk up and surprise me" - i(----)you


Caption: In the caves behind my house I found a softer world.
They understand what I had to do for love.
they don't believe in restraining orders.
Welcome to a softer world.
This picture is titled "What I did for love"
It is one of the cartoons that keep me going.
For the past few years, I've been holding onto these. My survival guide.
In so many ways.
These are my lifeline.
And this is my tribute.

Caption: "Hello! This is an email from a stranger who thinks you're just great!
Also, I respect a woman who organises her fridge so well.
Please don't scream when you turn around?"
Title: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet

Caption: I want the woman who yells at the potted plants at the library.
Yes, she's clearly troubled, but she's not helpless.
She doesn't take any shit from vegetables, for instance.
Title: Actually, maybe I want to BE her

Caption: I never wanted anything to happen to my parents
but a hero needs an origin story.

Title: And I'm not even sure gamma radiation would do anything

Caption: I can switch at will between being a man or a woman.
It's not my problem if you get weirded out
because my body stays the same.
Title: Any sufficiently complex system is hackable

Caption: I couldn't see through the blood and tears
I kept saying "Is that all you got?" even after they ran off
"Maybe your mom could come down and help?
Title: Ask her not to wear those army boots though

Caption: I'm gonna close my eyes and spin
And the first person I see is my soulmate
OK, class?
Title: But this doesn't mean an easy A

Caption: Some people collect stamps
I break into priests' hpises
and steal their dirty shorts for my vending machines
Title: I also collect stamps

Caption: I hire a prostitute to play tag and hide and go seek
she thinks it's weird repressed sex stuff
I just miss having friends who are girls
Title: I don't mind paying. It's worth it.

Caption: I've started a terrorist cell
We're going to do away with dating services
We're going to burn down Weight Watchers
Title: I used to want to wear plant bombs the night of the prom.

Caption: Police are saying the sniper's victims appear to have nothing in common.

Well, they do now!
Title: I was a terrible news anchor

Caption: I spend my lunch hours surrounded by people who apologiser for every tough
So today I hugged a stranger
and a thousand lonely people rioted
Title: I couldn't stop smiling in the back of the police car

Caption" My mum's buried out in these woods
She wanted her ashes scattered at sea, but it's like she always said
"No"
Title: It just wasn't reasonable

Caption: The sappy music comes up and I wipe the tears from her face
and into a heart-shaped vial
Tears make the best lube
Title: Not... not that we need it

Caption: The world isn't going to end just because we've done everything wrong.

Though, that would be easier.
Title: Oh fuck, we're doomed! Quick! To the movie theatre!

Caption: Thionking about the infinity of space makes me insane
I never want my kids to feel this small
So yeah, I let them eat whatever
Title: Priorities

Caption: Sometimes, I wish I could take back all my mistakes
but then I think
what if my mother could take back hers?
Title: She told me I was the best mistake she ever made

Caption: I told everyone I built my robot wife for sex
but late at night when we're alone
we mostly play battleship
Title: She's never too tired

Caption: The robot replacement wife laughs at all my jokes
Which was nice at first

Title: But even battleship gets old after 15 years

Caption: The sleepover is an integral part of a young girl's social like.
My firends are here to talk about boys. and laugh.
I'm here because my mother locked me out again.
Title: Smiling fights the lonely moster

Caption: Normal people don't steal dirty panties to feel close to someone

Is that what you're saying?
Title: Tell me another one

Caption: Halfway down she remembered
that Golden Girls was out on DVD
which could have gone in the CONS column
Title: Thankyou for being a friend

Caption: It was a plague nobody expected
pubert again, instead of death
cracking voices, and new bodies we can't understand
Title: The ravages of puberty leave nobody unscathed

Caption: My gramma has this joke where she says "Knock knock"
I say "who's there?"
she says "I can't remember" and starts to cry
Title: This is what frustrates me

Caption: I called my therapist yesterday, in a panic
I said "what if the sky falls again?"
And she said "Well, what if you fall in love?"
Title: True dreams

Caption: As a child, I killed animals
Not for any rish but because they seemed so sad
and I didn't know what else to do
Title: What would they do with their freedom?

Caption: The fall left him with brain damage and two long scars.
We tease him. "Oh him? He fell out of the ugly tree."
He looks most like our brother when he laughs
Title: We miss you

Caption: I was going to figure out the postage
and send you my heart
for Christmas.
But my friends talked me out of it.
They said "why would you send her something broken?"

Title: We've been good but we can't last