Broken Things

If I’m attracted to a woman, chances are she’s a dancer

And moves with a studied grace, owns a dog,

Struggles with some sort of eating disorder, is a smoker

Or has been raped at least once in her life

I’ve spent a lifetime telling myself this does not make me ugly

But a lover of beautiful, broken things

Be they a little dangerous, or just lonely

Needless to say, any combination and I am likely to

Fall in love, heart under heels

Which means I fall in love a lot

Such combination being as likely as they are tragic

As common as the bent and broken spokes on rainy days

Of all the blown out umbrellas, abandoned in the trash

Because they cause each other

The dancer smokes to keep from eating

Or studies and covets her dog’s sheer love of movement

Lies with him at night, and whispers

“I will die before I let anyone hurt you again”

Wonderful

So there's this realisation that I had yesterday.
Glorious yesterday.
Waking up next to you
And going bowling with you
And eating a pretzel with you
That you almost let me finish

I had this realisation
That you let me be me
You are ok
With me having my own life
And my own interests
Distinct from yours.

You don't ask me to do things
Just because you like them
You don't make me watch your movies
Or listen to your music
Or play your games
You get excited when I ask to
But you never ask me to

And I think, that's very new and different for me
To not have be anything
Except me
And I love it
I love being able to be me
And letting you be you
And not judging each other for who we are

We are very different people
And we have very different interests
And you pretend to understand physics
And I pretend to understand computer... things
And everything is wonderful
And you are wonderful



Oh my gosh Ebony, stop writing about your fucking boyfriend, we get the picture.

Let's void some warranties, my love

Reasons I love you

I don't love you for the butterflies in my stomach, or the flutter of my heart when you whisper in my ear. It's not the stretch of your shirt as you reach for the top shelf or the way the light hits your eyes on the bus to uni. It's not the smile on my face when I see the message is from you, or the inside jokes we have. It's not for the way you cuddle me between games in CoD or the way you shoot people trying to kill me, even though you know I'll tell you off for taking my kill. It's not because you cook me dinner when I go over after work, and serve it in one big bowl with two forks. It's not because we have identical taste in jewellery, or because you watch home shows with me and my mum. It's not because, after all this time, you feel what I've been feeling and you want a stronger commitment. I don't love you for the happy tears you make me cry, the overwhelming, I-have-never-known-joy-like-this-before tears. It's not because we're both addicted to the same colour at the same time, or because we're always thinking the same thing. It's not because you always know when I'm upset and you wipe the tears from my eyes before I know they're there. It's not when you buy the t-shirt I pick out and I buy the jacket you pick out.

It's because, when I get sad, really sad, depressed about my life direction and my place in the world, unmotivated to wake up in the morning, when I want to give up on everything, I talk to you. And I love being me, all over again. Because you give me purpose, and direction, and get me excited about my life. Because when my world is falling apart, and I feel like I can't take it anymore, I feel my pocket vibrate, and you remind me that you're thinking of me.

I love you in an over-the-top, unfathomable way.
I love you in a way that I can't figure out how to put into words.
I love you like a bee loves honey. Without the regurgitation part. With the shelter and the well-being and the co-dependence part.
I love you.


I have to stop writing now and go and study for midsems, oh life is so hard. ;)

Terms and conditions

1. We will be honest about everything, we will tell each other everything.
2. When things become difficult, we will work through them, we will not give up easily, we will talk about everything.
3. If we feel ourselves drifting apart, we will tell each other, and we will try to figure out a way to change it.
4. If we develop little crushes on other people, we'll tell each other. But we won't make them into a big deal.
5. If we fall out of love, we will tell each other.
6. We are not expecting a forever, or even the rest of our lives. For now is good. For now is right.
7. We will support each other through everything, through all the stresses in life, from uni to work to crazy families.
8. When things about you start to annoy me or vice versa, we will tell each other.

I love you.

Just close your eyes

Don't say it doesn't hurt when it does.
For, everyone who came before you let it hurt.
Everyone is allowed a bad day.
A bad week.
A bad life.
Let it hurt.
It's allowed to hurt.
Let yourself be angry.
Let yourself scream in pain.
Even the happiest people have sad days.

---

Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
It's as blue as your blue goodbye
And I thought that it would rain
The day you went away...

---

You do not want me to be hurt.
And I do not want to be hurt.
But you feel a phantom pain.
I am ok.
And you being hurt for me hurts me.
And... I think... you know that.
You know that you are hurting me above all.
And yet you persist.
I cannot fathom why...

---

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

---

You have to let the world keep spinning.
And you say "But what is the point?
With every spin comes another birth, another death, another heartache.
Every spin brings another moment of pain, loss of trust, another parent burying a child.

And maybe we don't know the point.
But every other birth is just as deserving as our own.
Every heartache is as deserving as the first one we ever felt.
Every moment of pain is allowed as much as our lowest point.

So we don't stop the world, we let it spin.

---

Let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you.

---

Sometimes when I'm walking around by myself I think about you and I cry.
I can't even remember the things I miss about you.
I love you more than I ever told you.
More than I ever knew.
I love you so much it tears me apart that I can't have you.
I love you like photosynthesis loves light energy.
And I don't know how to continue to be without you.

I wanted to tell him that night that I couldn't remember properly,
but I didn't.
I thought it would hurt him.
I realise now that it wouldn't.
He's amazing.
And I'm the weirdo who cries in the middle of the street.
If I could just have you back.
Just for one day...
I miss your smile and your laugh and the way you said my name.
If I could have one more hug...

---
I waited too long
To tell you how much it matters
Just to be right here with you
But I couldn't think of anything better
I should have told you so

---

When I was so upset that you were never happy, I never realised how happy I was.
Now you're ecstatic with joy and fucking hell I miss you.
Because when you were sad, you came to me for cheering up.
And now you never come to me.
And I don't have time for you.
And I just want to curl up next to you and go back to how things used to be.
When you were sad.
And I wasn't such a selfish bitch.

---

Time is never spare

Just quickly blogging because I have a little bit of spare time before bed.
I'm pretty excited for easter this year, I've bought both my presents awesome chocolate, and having been sharing eggs with everyone at uni. It feels good. :-)
I also love the idea of a few days off to uni to breathe and get ahead and study for exams that are on as soon as we get back.
I'm kind of a bit over people lately... Some people are so pretentious or mean or hypocritical and I don't want to point it out but I don't want to deal with their crap either. I mean, the bullshit isn't as bad at uni as it was it school, but it's still bullshit. I kind of just want to get out of uni, get a job, and get on with my life.
And speaking of getting on with my life, I want to get on with it with you. Two years on and I still get butterflies when you cuddle up to my neck on the way home. The light hitting your eyes still makes my heart skip a beat, and sometimes you look so beautiful I can't help but kiss you. I joke that if I help you with uni, you owe me your career and have to buy me a puppy, but I truly hope that you stay with me long enough to buy a house and a dog and do all the things we dream of doing.
Good night! Happy easter! Go and stuff your faces with chocolate

The future

"Oh I'll have to give you my number
I don't know if the stars will be this kind to me again"
And so you think it is the fate of the stars that brings you luck
I must tell you, that the fate is not within your stars, but in yourself
That you are every kindness you feel for the stars
That your every comforting word is the word of an angel.
And so we speak of our existential now
And who we are as a whole, not individuals
Isn't life funny? The way things go...
---
And I quietly beg you not to let me fade into the background of your life. I don't want to be the girl you met that time that you never saw again.
I'm not sure we can be friends how we used to be, things are different now. But I'd like to see you every now and then...
I'll miss telling you how silly you are.
I don't even know if I had a crush on you...
---
And on that day
The rain smelt of vegemite and twisties
And the way I used to kiss you
Like nothing else mattered
In my whole world
Because I had you and
You had me
And that's all we needed.
And the rain stops and I come back to reality, flirting with the idea of beig your friend.
But I don't have friends.
I don't even know what they are.
But my third best friend is an author that doesn't even know I exist.
What an affliction...
---
A withered past and a blurry future
My heart's on an auction, it goes out to the highest bid...

Realistic Expectations

Another tragically mushy blog.
I would not drive to the ends of the Earth for you. Setting aside the fact that the Earth has no end; my car is unreliable and it would probably break down a million miles from nowhere with no one to help me and no phone reception. I am more inclined to catch a commercial air flight to the nearest major city and call you to come and get me.

And I would not walk a thousand miles for you. I am terribly unfit and, due to my hatred of water, I would probably dehydrate or drop dead on the way there. But I would walk to your house on a hot day just so we can lie in the park together.

I would not move a mountain for you. The Earth’s tectonics are not to be messed with, particularly by an individual, and if you asked me to, I would probably think you’d gone mad. Perhaps I would move a small mound of dirt or something, if I had a wheelbarrow.

I would not catch a star for you. First of all, stars are not moving, and those that appear to be are actually meteoroids. Second of all, stars are very hot and I would get burned. Third of all, stars are very big and I am very weak, when I’m not with you. But I wish for you on them all the time.

I would not write a song for you. You hate love songs and I have no musical talent and you tell me off when I sing. I listen to love songs and think about you, though.

I would not find the pot of gold from the end of the rainbow for you. Rainbows are just the reflection of water in raindrops and they don’t even lead anywhere. But I will give you anything material that I can. .

I would not walk through hell for you. Hell does not exist, and if it did, I would not go there, and you would not ask me to. I would walk on hot sand though, to be by your side (really hot sand, not just a little bit hot).


I guess my point is, I don't have unrealistic expectations of our relationship. I am not as naive as I used to be. I don't want to spend forever with you, or even the rest of my life. But a good 30 years would be nice ;)

My holiday

I wrote this 10 days ago and for some reason it didn't post. Ohh well, posting now

---

This is going to be an unusually mushy blog. Bare with it, it doesn't happen very often.

The best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you don't just put up with me. I once said that the perfect man would be able to deal with my perfectionism in building sandcastles. Which I suppose means that you are beyond perfect. Because you were more anal than I was about the slant of the castle wall, and the width of the moat. In fact, you cared so much about my castle, that you built me a wall. A wall so beautiful and big, it could withstand any wave. A wall that protected my castle in the same way you protect me, by wrapping itself around it.

The second best part of building a sandcastle with you is that when it is finished, you walk into the water,holding my hand. You will only go so far that oncoming waves just touch your knees, and no further. Which I take as excuse to throw wet sand at you, and you take as an excuse to throw it back. So we have a sand fight and I run further into the ocean to persuade you to join me; to go further than knee deep.

The third best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you are always full of surprises. So when I take those few steps further, expecting you to be too stubborn to get even your legs wet, you dive straight into the ocean. And I follow gradually, too scared to get wet too quickly as the water is far too cold. And you tell me to grow some balls and I remind you that they are not anatomically necessary for me. And you laugh and I smile and you smile and you kiss me. And I kiss you back.

The fourth best part of building a sandcastle with you is that once we've finished swimming and we're ready to go home, we jump on our castle. So some other little kids don't come and do it when we leave. And then we walk up the never ending sand holding hand whinging about the pain of walking on sand.

And now I'm back at home, without you. Without you hugs, your warm chest, the way you hold me when you play games. Without your smell, your eyes, the cute look you have when you blow me kisses.

Please never stop chasing me into the ocean, I don't ever want to stop chasing you.

The tank of life

Listening to the songs I used to play to feel the moods I used to love and driving the streets that never seemed to end. Oh how things change, don't they? Because now the songs make me feel so much more, and the moods make me feel a little sick to the stomach. Now, the street is over before the song reaches the second verse. Now, the drive home is one I make with reluctance. The drive home doesn't even take me to a place that feels like home.

---

Why am I adopting you all? Why am I trying so hard for people to like me? Why does everyone else's opinion matter more to me than my own? I should stop listening, and start thinking and feeling.

---

Even when I'm mad at you, you're the one who makes me stop crying, you're the one i want to hug, I naturally move closer to you. I hate that you have so much control over me, I hate that I do anything for you, but I love that you make me so happy. I'll keep trying if you keep trying <3

---

What a beautiful day to be an Ebony... everything is going so well, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.
Ever so clean.

It's half timing and the other half's luck

Everyone always says that you don't see the end coming. That you don't know it's the end, and then suddenly, there it is; things stop. You never remember the last part, you don't realise it's the last, you never saw it coming. But, what about when you know? Is there another set of special rules that apply to the end you see coming? Is there something I should particularly be thinking or doing? A tear I should not shed? A word I should not utter? Is there something I can say to change everything? And, if I do, will it not always be, somehow changed? Is it worth the words I have to say to make you stay? Or is the mere existence of the words sign enough that you should go? Maybe, it's time. I didn't even realise, I never knew, you never said.

---

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to loose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

---

Those terrible tears that can only come in solitude. The scream that no one else can hear or they would think your life is ending. And maybe it is. The tears that bring with them the running nose and puffy red eyes and friends asking "are you ok?" and strangers giving you weird looks from the car next to you at the lights. The tears reserved for you and only you. Every time you break my heart. I say that like you do it out of routine. And maybe you do. And I'm telling myself that I can write this without you reading it. I'm telling myself that you'll never know how much hurt me. Or that I think you're worth it. But of course, you will read every word. Because you stay where you always stay; far enough away to hurt, but close enough to never forget.

But you'll never be more wanted

And it's nice, you know? Talking to you is just nice. Every conversation feels like it should have a backing track with grand music and violins. I look at our messages to each other and just sit here smiling. This is comfortable and beautiful for the first time in a long time.

The awkward moment when you trial hsc takes away all of your spare time and you feel all your friendships crumbly away.
I feel so distanced from everyone in my life at the moment. I'm really glad I have some time off now to just chill, I really need it. Our whole grade needs it I guess. We haven't taken a break in like, a year. It feels good to destress.

At least tonight,

It's just you and me and honestly

That's everything I need


I'm sorry I let you down. He's right. I should just admit that nI stuffed up and buy you some flowers or something. Is it my stubbornness that stops me from doing that? Or is it a deeper resentment towards you that you can't accept me for who I am, you can't you like me like this. You want me to change.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to change for you. I don't want to be ashamed of myself simply because I didn't turn out the way you want me to. This is who I am. Which is as much to do with you as it with me. It's too late for you to want me to be anything else. The only thing that can change me now, is me.


He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you


My computer, Ella, crashed so I'm on mum's laptop now which means I have no pictures. Many words, many songs, but no pictures. I did back Ella up, but I'm not sure where the external hardrive ended up in the move. Eventually, I will sort my life out, I promise. Until then... have a song.


Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm

Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?

You tell me you have to go...

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?

Don't tell me you have to go...

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Ya da... ya da... ya da

To sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back
Winter is coming and I need to stay warm

The heat.....

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

How Much I Want To Hold You

"Perhaps it is ridiculous to think that you'll never feel further than your nerve endings... but even I know that the best love letters lack form or shape, but are given in glances and gestures; the sad smile across the canopées; the tighter grip on your hand to keep the panic attack at bay."

This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:



"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three



“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson



"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "



And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.

I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.

And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.



"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"

Just one look

Half yearlys start tomorrow, so clearly the logical thing for me to be doing right now is blogging. But, I am actually quite good at having things done on time, we leaves me way too much time to procrastinate later. I'm always overly prepared for exams and end up spending the whole week reading or playing Sims or something. I'm going to try and avoid that this year.
I'm sort of excited for exams, I like seeing how much I know, but at the same time I'm scared that I'm actually a lot stupider than I realise and I'm going to do crap at everything.
Oh well, life goes on, right?



One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night
One of these days
Gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson alright


Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it ?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn'tit?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mis-trust



"And if you knew just how I felt, you could kill me, with just one look."

And that scares me more than anything else in the world.

Giggly and stupid

Ok, seriously people, if you don't want to read my blog, DON'T READ IT. Don't read it and then whinge to me that I talk about sex too much (one time, seriously, one time!)
At least three people have mentioned to me recently that they read my blog for the first time in forever recently, and then preceded to complain about it.
Go away. I do not want you here.
That is all.
(Pay no attention to my squirtiness as this post goes on)



I don't know if I want other people to be happy. I don't know if I want to be a nice person. I don't know why I should stop being selfish. Because, why shouldn't I be happy? And bad shit happens to good people so often, that it's hardly worth being good.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to be happy, you know?



You are so incredibly beautiful and I wish I could tell you that often enough that you would start to believe me. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I wish I could see what you see when you look at me.
I think we're good for each other (and so does my mum?) because I think we can make each other see that.



I feel like a burden on everyone in my life because all I want to do is talk about you, and I'm sure that's the most annoying thing in the world. But I am me when I'm with you. And when I don't remember who I am, I think of you. I'm sorry if I talk about you too much, it's just that, I love you.



You give me the giggly, stupid smile that Nikki says makes me look like I'm soft centered. Holding your hand makes me happy in an over-the-top way. I start missing you before you even leave. Sometimes I sit on Nikki's bed and start smiling and she knows straight away that I'm thinking of you. But I'm always thinking of you. You have taken permanent residence in my mind and I don't want you to leave. I don't want to give up this feeling. Ever.

Goodbye sunshines.

Alwrong

Because physics is hard and life is hard and I can't always deal with all of it. Because smiling is hard and reading is sad. Because getting drunk washes away problems. Because I don't like me. Because you made me like me and then you stopped liking parts of me. Because you laugh at me when I stuff up. Because I stuff up too much. Because bad people judge good people like hypocrites. Because you are a terrible person and I am not so bad but you flaw me for being human. Because you all make me ashamed to be human, and maybe that's my problem after all. Because I like being human and I like being flawed and I like my mistakes. Because without mistakes I can't grow and I have to grow. Because I'm not you, I'm me. And I'm a sad me.



The truth is that girls think about sex just as much as guys. And they want it just as much as guys. But they're too afraid to say or do anything about it because they're too scared of what other people will think of them and what they will think of themselves and that they will not like it or will regret it or will be labelled. But that doesn't mean they don't want it.

Either that or it's just me. (And Amy when she's tired ;p)



Am I alright? Is anyone ever alright? I mean, all is never right. Sometimes some is right, but never all. I wish people would stop asking me if I'm alright. You're half the fucking problem. Life is sad, and lonely, and no one gets out alive anyway.



Not everyone has a happy ending, but I hope you do.

Sunshine lollipop

I'm sorry that it took me forever to tell you. You see, I was waiting for a perfect moment, because I'm still naive enough to believe that perfection exists. And then I was sitting there, looking at you, and I felt like you had to know right then. And there were so many times when I nearly said it accidentally and then I stopped, but I thought, hey, I may as well just say it. So I did. It didn't even feel real for second, I think because of all the times I nearly said it and didn't, but then you didn't hear me anyway, so I felt kind of silly. But then I said it again, and you heard me, and you smiled, and that was nice, and you laid down next to me and you said it back and that was lovely. And then there were fireworks and a choir and a freaking symphony, so I guess, maybe, it was as close to a perfect moment as I could get.



I feel so weird, being allowed to be happy. I know that sounds ridiculous because
a. there have been many times where I've told my blog I'm happy,
b. I always smile and
c. everyone is allowed to be happy
but it feels weird in a nice weird way. I've never been able to care about someone without something holding me back and now that nothing is, I feel free.

Why not be worse?

Happy new year?

ok, so I haven't blogged in a while.
I've actually been busy.
This beautiful thing has happened these holidays, I actually have a life (sitting around watching star wars movies isn't a life ebony, what are you talking about?).
So yeah, I've been off living as much as my mum will allow.
Which isn't very much.
But we won't get into that now.
Anyways, I hope we're all starting 2011 on a high note, and not feeling too old just yet. I haven'y made any resolutions this year, although I have a sort of life plan.



Ebony's life plan for 2011:

Be happy.
Try hard at school, but don't stress out. If all else fails I can always become a teacher. (Oh wait? That's what I want to be? What's the problem them?)
Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
Earn money. Because I feel guilty when I can't afford things because I spend $600 on photos of myself (I was meant to tell that story ages ago, but something stopped me).
Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...that's about it.



I've realised that I'm insanely needy and clingy and that I have problems with myself. I like you because around you I like me. And then, she started saying that stuff and I started liking me less. Now I'm scared to be around you because I no longer think that I'm enough for you. I wish I could get over myself. I felt so sad lying there with you, thinking about how I will never be good enough. Maybe I am good enough? Maybe the fact that you want me means I'm good enough. But maybe I'm not. I guess, either way, I'll survive.



I used to do this. I actually used to think of reasons to go into coles at time I knew you were working. I'm so retarded :L Then again, I would probably still be doing this now if I actually needed anything from coles. I miss you when you're not there. Especially your smell. Nikki said the other day that she was worried because I always say you smell good but I never say you look good. But you do look good. You look amazing. You just smell fucking brilliant.



I don't even have facebook. But one of the only reasons I let her add you as a friend is so that I could stalk you. I don't look at it everyday, I'm not that obsessive (ok, so she changes the password too often) but I did start getting annoyed when it took you too long to change your relationship status.



Sometimes, you make me feel like this. Far out, you can be so irritating. Why do you feel the need to control everything about me? Is it so much to ask to have a life? And you say you try to understand me, but I'm really not that hard to understand so you mustn't be trying too hard. I am a stereotype. I have accepted this. But surely, stereotypes are the easiest to understand. What make me so complicated? Why don't you like me being happy?



It's so easy for me to be miserable these days, I feel like I'm trapped in my own house, and being here makes me sad. Every time I walk in the front door, a wave of sadness washes over me. As if I can feel my mum's disappointment in me radiating out of her body. I miss my dad. I miss him more than I thought I would. I need my licence =S

Merry Christmas

Ok, so I got some awesome Christmas gifts this year, as per usual. Mainly tyres for my car and a pandora bracelet, with one charm :L Oh yeah, and a boyfriend (sort of a christmas present? ask me if you want to know the story :L)



Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside



I've had an amazing epiphany of late, where I've realised that it's not all my fault. Everything that's wrong in my life isn't all my fault, and I'm not a bad person simply because bad things happen to me. I know that sounds stupid and simple, and perhaps it's an onver simplification of the revalation I have had. But I feel like I am not entirely responsible anymore.



Jessica: And what are you looking at?
Mickey: The fairest beauty that ever stood before the eyes of a man since Helen danced her willing way in the wondering woes of Troy
Jessica: It's only a gift of words that you shower me, but I have to say that they shine
Mickey: Oh you shine, princess, mine, you shine!



I miss the feeling, you know. I miss feeling like this. I miss music and movies and happiness and sadness and all the goo. I don't really like missing it, because it makes me feel all insecure and stuff, but then I guess that's normal. Nikki says I should be a stereotype, and that if there's any time to be lazy and selfish, it's when I'm 17. Dad says I'm selfless. I don't really know who I am, but I like that I'm figuring it out.



I'm the last straw on a camel's back away from saying those three words

I will miss you

I didn't want to let go today.
I mean, I normally don't want to let go, but today, I really didn't want to let go.
I feel so happy when I'm with you. Even in the silences that I'm sure you find awkward but I never do, I'm happy. I like being quiet and just holding your hand and sitting there.
And I like walking home with you. Even when I tell you I hate you. I like having my arm around your waist, and I like kissing your cheek. I just like being around you.
And I didn't want to let go.

---


I feel sad a lot when I hear you tell them.
I'm sorry if it upsets you that I'm always crying. This is my way of dealing. I never expected it to be easy.
Sometimes we sit there and cry together, and I feel like we know exactly what each other is thinking. I like knowing what you're thinking. She doesn't want me to know what you're thinking, she gets annoyed when you tell me. I resent her for that. I like knowing things. I need to know things.

---

Sometimes when I talk about the future with you I get scared because I don't know how long you'll be here for. I'm so scared of not having you. I've always had you.
I don't like who I am without you. Your love for me has made me a stronger person. You make me believe I can be good.
I want you to stay in my life.
I will miss you, when you inevitably leave.

---

I usually end up crying so much that I run out of tears but they keep coming now. Or I get dehydrated. Both of which are bad. Maybe worse than running out? I just get sadder and sadder, I guess. And it gets worse and worse. I feel so lonely =S