We have lots to discuss

You put in all the effort and try everything you can think of to get them to notice you. Look at me, we have the same interests and the same sense of humour. Maybe we should hang out some time, we have lots to discuss.  And they laugh straight past you to another one in the crowd. Every time. Maybe it's the same person, maybe it isn't, maybe you don't even care. It's so tiring putting in the effort every day. What are you supposed to do?
I guess what I'm saying is I'm giving up and I hope you have a great life. And if you want me in it, I'll be here.

Sometimes I feel like I should tell you all the stuff going on with me. But it's always for selfish reasons. I just want you to care about me I guess. I just want everyone to care... So I don't tell you, because you deserve better and you deserve to care about someone who cares about you too.
I hope you find that someone. One day.

And goodness you just drive me insane. I want to hold onto you but every time I try you run away and every time I let go you come back. I never really wanted to let go in the first place but you make me feel so unwanted. I wish we could be what we used to be, whatever that is, and just make it work. But I read too much into everything. And you write too much into everything. At the end of the day we both have fabricated stories in our heads of what's going on instead of saying what we mean because it's too hard.
But I think I'll be able to say it now. And maybe that will mean that you laugh at me and maybe it will mean you leave but it has to be said. I'm sorry for letting this go on.

I'm stuck at a crossroads with you because everything in the universe is stopping us from taking another step. And we plan these things out so well and then something comes in at the last minute and ruins it. So sometimes I just sit alone and think of you and cry. There's so much I want to change. I wish I could take charge of my happiness instead of waiting helplessly.
Sometimes I feel like I'm taking charge but the feeling passes fairly quickly.

Who are you?

I'm the girl who is always dreaming, waiting for tomorrow to bring a better day. My mind full of possibilities and if onlys and one days. I promise you that the future will be better but everything can only ever disappoint. I wish I didn't disappoint.



I count the ways I let you down
On my fingers and toes but I'm running out
Clever words can't help me now
I grip you tight but you're slipping out



I'm the boy your mother warned you about, here to break your heart. To tell you that you mean the world to me and two days later tell you I'm in love with someone else. The boy who can't make up his mind and doesn't know what he wants but right now I'm so sure it's you.




Sometimes honesty is the worst policy
Happy ever after, happy ever after
Let it go, you never need to know
I'm going to be picking up all of these tiny little pieces
Tiny little pieces of your heart, won't do it anymore




I'm the girl your mother never warned you about. And wasn't that a big mistake? Because you've fallen in love with me so many times that your favourite songs sound like me. And you wish you could let go but that ship sailed a long time ago.

All the pain you tried to hide
Shows through your mascara lines
As they stream down from your eyes
And let them go, let them fly
Holding back won't turn back time
Believe me I've tried

And I'm the boy you wish you could love. Stuck in a cycle that you wish you could break. Because I've fallen in love so many times I've given up on the world. And you want to hold me and say that one day someone will treat me right. But you know it's all a lie.

Complexities

"Let me submit to you that this is the actual definition of a good life. You want to be the kind of person who other people—people who may not even born yet—will think about in their own silences years from now at their own commencements... We may be taught that the people to admire and emulate are actors and musicians and sports heroes and professionally famous people, but when we look at the people who have helped us, the people who actually change actual lives, relatively few of them are publicly celebrated. We do not think of the money they had, but of their generosity. We do not think of how beautiful or powerful they were, but how willing they were to sacrifice for us—so willing, at times, that we might not have even noticed that they were making sacrifices."
John Green, Commencement Address at Butler University, 2013

A billion universes just wanting to be left alone

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with our friendship to joke that we were on a date. I'm just not sure if I feel that comfortable yet. Maybe I am distancing myself from you because I don't want you to get the wrong idea? A year ago I would have been willing to go along with all of it, but things have changed since then. People have changed since then.
I like that you think I'm an essential part of your life, and that you should take me with you everywhere; you should. I like to think that I could be the voice inside your head. What is it like in your head?

---

What is it like to be in any head besides my own? The realisation that other people have lives as vivid and complex and important as my own is one which it has taken a while to make. Perhaps it is a slow realisation for everyone because it is not how humans think, or how they should thinnk. The sense of self is an extremely important part of our species' evolution as it has taught us to prioritise our own lives and feelings and needs ahead of those of others, making the stronger of us dominant. Whilst this is an ideal condition, there is something to be said for empathy.
Which I suppose is the largest conflict in my head at the moment; the entire purpose of life, in a round-about sort of way. Do we want to better society or better understand society? Do we want to give a man a fish or teach him to fish? Do we want to catch a single fish by accident, or learn the art of fishing?
Or.. do we just want to eat meat?

Maybe my life would be easier if I didn't think it was all such a huge fucking metaphor.

Thank you and goodnight.

Terms and conditions

1. We will be honest about everything, we will tell each other everything.
2. When things become difficult, we will work through them, we will not give up easily, we will talk about everything.
3. If we feel ourselves drifting apart, we will tell each other, and we will try to figure out a way to change it.
4. If we develop little crushes on other people, we'll tell each other. But we won't make them into a big deal.
5. If we fall out of love, we will tell each other.
6. We are not expecting a forever, or even the rest of our lives. For now is good. For now is right.
7. We will support each other through everything, through all the stresses in life, from uni to work to crazy families.
8. When things about you start to annoy me or vice versa, we will tell each other.

I love you.

The future

"Oh I'll have to give you my number
I don't know if the stars will be this kind to me again"
And so you think it is the fate of the stars that brings you luck
I must tell you, that the fate is not within your stars, but in yourself
That you are every kindness you feel for the stars
That your every comforting word is the word of an angel.
And so we speak of our existential now
And who we are as a whole, not individuals
Isn't life funny? The way things go...
---
And I quietly beg you not to let me fade into the background of your life. I don't want to be the girl you met that time that you never saw again.
I'm not sure we can be friends how we used to be, things are different now. But I'd like to see you every now and then...
I'll miss telling you how silly you are.
I don't even know if I had a crush on you...
---
And on that day
The rain smelt of vegemite and twisties
And the way I used to kiss you
Like nothing else mattered
In my whole world
Because I had you and
You had me
And that's all we needed.
And the rain stops and I come back to reality, flirting with the idea of beig your friend.
But I don't have friends.
I don't even know what they are.
But my third best friend is an author that doesn't even know I exist.
What an affliction...
---
A withered past and a blurry future
My heart's on an auction, it goes out to the highest bid...

drink more. think less.

Bonus blog in the middle of my holiday, makes up for being slow with the posting...

"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows

"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham

"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."

I  was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.

There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?

I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!

Alwrong

Because physics is hard and life is hard and I can't always deal with all of it. Because smiling is hard and reading is sad. Because getting drunk washes away problems. Because I don't like me. Because you made me like me and then you stopped liking parts of me. Because you laugh at me when I stuff up. Because I stuff up too much. Because bad people judge good people like hypocrites. Because you are a terrible person and I am not so bad but you flaw me for being human. Because you all make me ashamed to be human, and maybe that's my problem after all. Because I like being human and I like being flawed and I like my mistakes. Because without mistakes I can't grow and I have to grow. Because I'm not you, I'm me. And I'm a sad me.



The truth is that girls think about sex just as much as guys. And they want it just as much as guys. But they're too afraid to say or do anything about it because they're too scared of what other people will think of them and what they will think of themselves and that they will not like it or will regret it or will be labelled. But that doesn't mean they don't want it.

Either that or it's just me. (And Amy when she's tired ;p)



Am I alright? Is anyone ever alright? I mean, all is never right. Sometimes some is right, but never all. I wish people would stop asking me if I'm alright. You're half the fucking problem. Life is sad, and lonely, and no one gets out alive anyway.



Not everyone has a happy ending, but I hope you do.

Letting people near

I don't have all the answers, and I'm sorry for that. I try to think of ways to make everything work, but something always has to give. I don't even think it's prioritising, it's just realising that not everything is going to happen perfectly, and that sometimes I have to make sacrifices. Why is there never enough time?



I feel like I need to talk to someone, but whoever I talk to is going to think that something is wrong, and that's not true, there's nothing wrong, in fact lots of things have been very right lately. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel sad, you know? It doesn't mean I'm never going to lie in bed at night crying my heart out. That's just who I am, I think, I feel things differently to other people. I get sad a lot, and that's ok, because I get happy a lot too.



I can't believe that I will never be trustworthy in the eyes of my mother due to something that happened over three years ago. She still thinks that I lied to her, and that that means that I will lie to her again. I have several issues with this. Mainly the fact that I never lied to her about anything, and that the reason we had an issue in the first place is because I chose to tell her the truth. The problem that resulted from this has made me never want to tell the truth about anything again. A second issue I have with this is that because she never trusts me, I have to lie to her about things. And I am not okay with that. Because I am a very honest person. I will generally tell people everything they want to hear. I don't like secrets; they make things too complicated. But I don't have a choice.



I hate doing things wrong. I despise human ignorance, and when I am ignorant, I hate myself. Unfortunately, being human means that I make mistakes, and that I stuff things up and that I am ignorant. This makes me unnecessarily sad. People don't make me sad, I make me sad. (Ok, occassionally mum makes me sad.)



I get so sad when I hear you're sad. I was just thinking today how happy I was with everything. I know you have your insecurities, I do too, but you're ruining the peacefulness that I felt. I wish you could see what I see. I'm so sorry.

Sunshine lollipop

I'm sorry that it took me forever to tell you. You see, I was waiting for a perfect moment, because I'm still naive enough to believe that perfection exists. And then I was sitting there, looking at you, and I felt like you had to know right then. And there were so many times when I nearly said it accidentally and then I stopped, but I thought, hey, I may as well just say it. So I did. It didn't even feel real for second, I think because of all the times I nearly said it and didn't, but then you didn't hear me anyway, so I felt kind of silly. But then I said it again, and you heard me, and you smiled, and that was nice, and you laid down next to me and you said it back and that was lovely. And then there were fireworks and a choir and a freaking symphony, so I guess, maybe, it was as close to a perfect moment as I could get.



I feel so weird, being allowed to be happy. I know that sounds ridiculous because
a. there have been many times where I've told my blog I'm happy,
b. I always smile and
c. everyone is allowed to be happy
but it feels weird in a nice weird way. I've never been able to care about someone without something holding me back and now that nothing is, I feel free.

Why not be worse?

Happy new year?

ok, so I haven't blogged in a while.
I've actually been busy.
This beautiful thing has happened these holidays, I actually have a life (sitting around watching star wars movies isn't a life ebony, what are you talking about?).
So yeah, I've been off living as much as my mum will allow.
Which isn't very much.
But we won't get into that now.
Anyways, I hope we're all starting 2011 on a high note, and not feeling too old just yet. I haven'y made any resolutions this year, although I have a sort of life plan.



Ebony's life plan for 2011:

Be happy.
Try hard at school, but don't stress out. If all else fails I can always become a teacher. (Oh wait? That's what I want to be? What's the problem them?)
Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
Earn money. Because I feel guilty when I can't afford things because I spend $600 on photos of myself (I was meant to tell that story ages ago, but something stopped me).
Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...that's about it.



I've realised that I'm insanely needy and clingy and that I have problems with myself. I like you because around you I like me. And then, she started saying that stuff and I started liking me less. Now I'm scared to be around you because I no longer think that I'm enough for you. I wish I could get over myself. I felt so sad lying there with you, thinking about how I will never be good enough. Maybe I am good enough? Maybe the fact that you want me means I'm good enough. But maybe I'm not. I guess, either way, I'll survive.



I used to do this. I actually used to think of reasons to go into coles at time I knew you were working. I'm so retarded :L Then again, I would probably still be doing this now if I actually needed anything from coles. I miss you when you're not there. Especially your smell. Nikki said the other day that she was worried because I always say you smell good but I never say you look good. But you do look good. You look amazing. You just smell fucking brilliant.



I don't even have facebook. But one of the only reasons I let her add you as a friend is so that I could stalk you. I don't look at it everyday, I'm not that obsessive (ok, so she changes the password too often) but I did start getting annoyed when it took you too long to change your relationship status.



Sometimes, you make me feel like this. Far out, you can be so irritating. Why do you feel the need to control everything about me? Is it so much to ask to have a life? And you say you try to understand me, but I'm really not that hard to understand so you mustn't be trying too hard. I am a stereotype. I have accepted this. But surely, stereotypes are the easiest to understand. What make me so complicated? Why don't you like me being happy?



It's so easy for me to be miserable these days, I feel like I'm trapped in my own house, and being here makes me sad. Every time I walk in the front door, a wave of sadness washes over me. As if I can feel my mum's disappointment in me radiating out of her body. I miss my dad. I miss him more than I thought I would. I need my licence =S

Merry Christmas

Ok, so I got some awesome Christmas gifts this year, as per usual. Mainly tyres for my car and a pandora bracelet, with one charm :L Oh yeah, and a boyfriend (sort of a christmas present? ask me if you want to know the story :L)



Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside



I've had an amazing epiphany of late, where I've realised that it's not all my fault. Everything that's wrong in my life isn't all my fault, and I'm not a bad person simply because bad things happen to me. I know that sounds stupid and simple, and perhaps it's an onver simplification of the revalation I have had. But I feel like I am not entirely responsible anymore.



Jessica: And what are you looking at?
Mickey: The fairest beauty that ever stood before the eyes of a man since Helen danced her willing way in the wondering woes of Troy
Jessica: It's only a gift of words that you shower me, but I have to say that they shine
Mickey: Oh you shine, princess, mine, you shine!



I miss the feeling, you know. I miss feeling like this. I miss music and movies and happiness and sadness and all the goo. I don't really like missing it, because it makes me feel all insecure and stuff, but then I guess that's normal. Nikki says I should be a stereotype, and that if there's any time to be lazy and selfish, it's when I'm 17. Dad says I'm selfless. I don't really know who I am, but I like that I'm figuring it out.



I'm the last straw on a camel's back away from saying those three words

I will miss you

I didn't want to let go today.
I mean, I normally don't want to let go, but today, I really didn't want to let go.
I feel so happy when I'm with you. Even in the silences that I'm sure you find awkward but I never do, I'm happy. I like being quiet and just holding your hand and sitting there.
And I like walking home with you. Even when I tell you I hate you. I like having my arm around your waist, and I like kissing your cheek. I just like being around you.
And I didn't want to let go.

---


I feel sad a lot when I hear you tell them.
I'm sorry if it upsets you that I'm always crying. This is my way of dealing. I never expected it to be easy.
Sometimes we sit there and cry together, and I feel like we know exactly what each other is thinking. I like knowing what you're thinking. She doesn't want me to know what you're thinking, she gets annoyed when you tell me. I resent her for that. I like knowing things. I need to know things.

---

Sometimes when I talk about the future with you I get scared because I don't know how long you'll be here for. I'm so scared of not having you. I've always had you.
I don't like who I am without you. Your love for me has made me a stronger person. You make me believe I can be good.
I want you to stay in my life.
I will miss you, when you inevitably leave.

---

I usually end up crying so much that I run out of tears but they keep coming now. Or I get dehydrated. Both of which are bad. Maybe worse than running out? I just get sadder and sadder, I guess. And it gets worse and worse. I feel so lonely =S

Smile because you can

Me: I miss him
Paul: Who's him? There's too many guys that I need to clarify
Me: Oh, you don't know this one
Paul: ...what's the girl version of a pimp?
Me: :(

Patrick: Your momma's so fat, if I pushed her in space, I would move an infinite distance away before she even got anywhere (Physics jokes FTW!)



I wish I could write this feeling like no one will ever read it. But people do read it, people I write about read it, people I write about read it and overanalyse it (ok, just the one :L)

In fact, I overanalyse it as well.
I look over it, and pull it apart and put it back together and try and figure out what it all means. What does it mean? What do I mean? How do I feel? And when did life get so damn complicated?



I miss feeling cared about. I think that's all this shit really is. I miss being hugged everyday simply because I told you I liked it. I miss laughing at nerd jokes with you, I miss buying you Christmas presents, and I miss receiving them from you. I don't miss you, I don't even really talk to you, even though I thought I would. But I miss the idea of having you in my life.



Paul: I am now accepting bff aplications, must:
*be there for me
*not lie, about anything
* Let me get to know you, everything about you, nothing left out
*Not judge me
please be my best friend
Me: I would like to apply
Paul: LOL ok
Me: My name is Ebony, and I'm a pretty good best friend, I think. You must let me steal study notes from you, and let me complain to you about boys, and not judge me for things I do when I'm pmsing
Paul: lol ok

So now Paulie is my best friend =) And I have his physics HSC paper to study from (thus fulfilling the first of his obligations)



I guess, sometimes, it's easier to smile than to cry or tell people how you really feel. When I tell people I don't feel like I have real friends anymore, I laugh. I guess, it's easier to say everything if you say it with a smile.



Talking about you makes me happier than I've been in a while. Talking to you makes me infinitely more happy. when I think of you, I'm not all jumbly anymore, I'm just me. Whoever that is. Whoever it is you talk to. Just having you in my life gives me reason to smile. Thanks for being here =)

Goodnight sunshines, I need to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight =)

You inspired me

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everyone you talk to hates you?
Well, that was my day yesterday :L
But today, I'm feeling much more positive, probably because I've done all my homework and I'm not feeling any guilt at the moment =)



I'm not really sure how you changed me. I know that I find myself smilng more now, and that's good. I know that I feel an amazing confidence in myself that I never used to have, because I feel weirdly... loveable. Haha, not that I didn't already think that? I don't know, you just make me feel like someone actually wants to talk to me other than my parents (not that parents aren't totally cool bananas)



I do sometimes feel quite small and I believe this is because I am a perfectionist

"And yet, you still find one thing to obsess over. One form not filled in. One call not returned.

Obviously, this means your entire life has been a failure."

I find that if I have one piece of homework not done, or one assignment not completed at least a week before it's due, I am a failure, and I love how much this quote mocks people like me, because, it makes me realise how insignificant my life is in the grander scheme of things (and makes me feel better about not having my physics prac report finished yet)



I saw you again today, and I felt a bit of sadness. I saw the way your hair falls around your face again, and I saw the way your forehead crinkles when you concentrate really hard again. I saw the way you walk again, and I saw the way you form your body into a percussion instrument at will again.
I don't miss you. But I felt a little sad.