Granted

Ok, so it has been sort of a while since I last blogged, because, well, I'm not sure if you remember, but I have this little quiz at the end of the year that I have to study for every now and then. So yeah, the lack of bloggage (and well, let's face it, friends) has meant that I have been doing relatively well in school of late. Also, I'm becoming best friends with like, all of my teachers, in an almost creepy way (I'm apparently on a first name basis with Ms Schultz?)

And what with my life experiences and never actually fitting in with anyone, least of all my family, I have been able to write an almost kick ass short story about belonging, which is, well, yeah, pretty kick ass. It's weird that everytime I tell my life story, there's always one thing that I have to mention; one person I think about an awful lot. I don't think I'm supposed to think about you this much, I doubt you consider me such a large part of your life, but you made me who I am, you see, and you are the main part of my life story.

"If someone told me I could have it all back
No more writing or reflecting or thinking on what could be
I’d tell that person they don’t know me at all
Cos you made me who I am and they don’t get how much you mean to me" - Alex Day

I feel like listening to music and just being happy right now. Because, sometimes, life is just beautiful, and it's important to remember that. "You notice someone cutting you off in traffic. But not that the earth is still here for one more day."
Miraculously, the Earth is still here, and I am still here, and you are still here. And we are still here. Together.

I'm sorry I took our time together for granted.

Never mind

My mum makes up rules that stop me from being happy and then expects me to follow them. Which I find, to some extent, to be hilarious. So I blatantly ignore them. And then she starts crying and saying that she's never trusted me, and she was just starting to, and now she can't.
Which is bullshit. Because she will never trust me.
And I hate lying to her, and I try to make it obvious, I think, because I want her to find out. But then she takes my phone away and makes my life hell, so maybe I should've just not told her.
Why is telling the truth always the wrong option? I'm only trying for you anyway.

Alwrong

Because physics is hard and life is hard and I can't always deal with all of it. Because smiling is hard and reading is sad. Because getting drunk washes away problems. Because I don't like me. Because you made me like me and then you stopped liking parts of me. Because you laugh at me when I stuff up. Because I stuff up too much. Because bad people judge good people like hypocrites. Because you are a terrible person and I am not so bad but you flaw me for being human. Because you all make me ashamed to be human, and maybe that's my problem after all. Because I like being human and I like being flawed and I like my mistakes. Because without mistakes I can't grow and I have to grow. Because I'm not you, I'm me. And I'm a sad me.



The truth is that girls think about sex just as much as guys. And they want it just as much as guys. But they're too afraid to say or do anything about it because they're too scared of what other people will think of them and what they will think of themselves and that they will not like it or will regret it or will be labelled. But that doesn't mean they don't want it.

Either that or it's just me. (And Amy when she's tired ;p)



Am I alright? Is anyone ever alright? I mean, all is never right. Sometimes some is right, but never all. I wish people would stop asking me if I'm alright. You're half the fucking problem. Life is sad, and lonely, and no one gets out alive anyway.



Not everyone has a happy ending, but I hope you do.

Letting people near

I don't have all the answers, and I'm sorry for that. I try to think of ways to make everything work, but something always has to give. I don't even think it's prioritising, it's just realising that not everything is going to happen perfectly, and that sometimes I have to make sacrifices. Why is there never enough time?



I feel like I need to talk to someone, but whoever I talk to is going to think that something is wrong, and that's not true, there's nothing wrong, in fact lots of things have been very right lately. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel sad, you know? It doesn't mean I'm never going to lie in bed at night crying my heart out. That's just who I am, I think, I feel things differently to other people. I get sad a lot, and that's ok, because I get happy a lot too.



I can't believe that I will never be trustworthy in the eyes of my mother due to something that happened over three years ago. She still thinks that I lied to her, and that that means that I will lie to her again. I have several issues with this. Mainly the fact that I never lied to her about anything, and that the reason we had an issue in the first place is because I chose to tell her the truth. The problem that resulted from this has made me never want to tell the truth about anything again. A second issue I have with this is that because she never trusts me, I have to lie to her about things. And I am not okay with that. Because I am a very honest person. I will generally tell people everything they want to hear. I don't like secrets; they make things too complicated. But I don't have a choice.



I hate doing things wrong. I despise human ignorance, and when I am ignorant, I hate myself. Unfortunately, being human means that I make mistakes, and that I stuff things up and that I am ignorant. This makes me unnecessarily sad. People don't make me sad, I make me sad. (Ok, occassionally mum makes me sad.)



I get so sad when I hear you're sad. I was just thinking today how happy I was with everything. I know you have your insecurities, I do too, but you're ruining the peacefulness that I felt. I wish you could see what I see. I'm so sorry.