On Echo Chambers

The world is full of people who agree and disagree with you. And me. There are millions of people on both sides. But we don't like to think about the people who disagree with us, we like to think that those people are stupid and that we wouldn't bother ourselves with people like that. We like to laugh at the idea of them from afar, without engaging in their debate.

And the internet has become another place for us to surround ourselves with others of our own opinions. We follow facebook pages of political parties and comedians and scientific groups and all sorts of communities that share our ideals. So we can point and laugh at The Other and how silly they must be for their opinions. We unfriend the people who disagree with us until we are sitting in an echo chamber; screaming at people who agree with us.

Because it's nicer to say something and hear "yes! you're right! that's true!" than to hear "well actually I disagree, I don't think that makes sense". So that's what comes up in our newsfeed. People who agree with us. Our social media pages become an echo of the thoughts in our head. They make us feel comfortable and content.



After the Vegas shooting (and oh gosh, I hope when you read this the world has not reached a point where we say "which Vegas shooting?"), my newsfeed changed. I started seeing pages from pro-gun people. I started seeing arguments I'd never heard before. I started to understand why they thought they were being logical. They laughed at anti-gun people just the same. They mocked them - pointed out flaws in their logic. And of course, there are always flaws.

I wonder if Facebook made this choice. If I was some pawn in their game, trying to determine whether my viewing habits changed from this. Or if it was just a mistake in the algorithm. Too many of my friends liking and commenting on these pages that they thought showing them to me was a good idea.

I wonder if it changed the way I converse with these people. I wonder if it made me more tolerant or helped me search for compromise.

I wonder if realising the racism of so many of my friends and family members makes me more tolerant of those people. Or does it make me less tolerant?

I wonder if hearing my family discussing at the dinner table the idea that it's perfectly ok to assault someone if they assault you first will make me a more hateful person or a more accepting person.


...I just want to go back to my echo chamber. Where there is always someone who knows the answer. Where there is wisdom to defer to.

Please let me go back.

The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

Monsters

I haven't blogged in forever because I'm scared of the little monsters in my head that I always tend to release when I write blogs (yes Ebony, those monsters are honesty).







And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.

Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.





I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.






I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.







I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.

Why not be worse?

Happy new year?

ok, so I haven't blogged in a while.
I've actually been busy.
This beautiful thing has happened these holidays, I actually have a life (sitting around watching star wars movies isn't a life ebony, what are you talking about?).
So yeah, I've been off living as much as my mum will allow.
Which isn't very much.
But we won't get into that now.
Anyways, I hope we're all starting 2011 on a high note, and not feeling too old just yet. I haven'y made any resolutions this year, although I have a sort of life plan.



Ebony's life plan for 2011:

Be happy.
Try hard at school, but don't stress out. If all else fails I can always become a teacher. (Oh wait? That's what I want to be? What's the problem them?)
Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
Earn money. Because I feel guilty when I can't afford things because I spend $600 on photos of myself (I was meant to tell that story ages ago, but something stopped me).
Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...that's about it.



I've realised that I'm insanely needy and clingy and that I have problems with myself. I like you because around you I like me. And then, she started saying that stuff and I started liking me less. Now I'm scared to be around you because I no longer think that I'm enough for you. I wish I could get over myself. I felt so sad lying there with you, thinking about how I will never be good enough. Maybe I am good enough? Maybe the fact that you want me means I'm good enough. But maybe I'm not. I guess, either way, I'll survive.



I used to do this. I actually used to think of reasons to go into coles at time I knew you were working. I'm so retarded :L Then again, I would probably still be doing this now if I actually needed anything from coles. I miss you when you're not there. Especially your smell. Nikki said the other day that she was worried because I always say you smell good but I never say you look good. But you do look good. You look amazing. You just smell fucking brilliant.



I don't even have facebook. But one of the only reasons I let her add you as a friend is so that I could stalk you. I don't look at it everyday, I'm not that obsessive (ok, so she changes the password too often) but I did start getting annoyed when it took you too long to change your relationship status.



Sometimes, you make me feel like this. Far out, you can be so irritating. Why do you feel the need to control everything about me? Is it so much to ask to have a life? And you say you try to understand me, but I'm really not that hard to understand so you mustn't be trying too hard. I am a stereotype. I have accepted this. But surely, stereotypes are the easiest to understand. What make me so complicated? Why don't you like me being happy?



It's so easy for me to be miserable these days, I feel like I'm trapped in my own house, and being here makes me sad. Every time I walk in the front door, a wave of sadness washes over me. As if I can feel my mum's disappointment in me radiating out of her body. I miss my dad. I miss him more than I thought I would. I need my licence =S

Choose

Carl Barron: You know sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror, and you look good. You're like "You'd better go out today, Carl, you're looking good, how do you stay single?" and other days you're just like "GET FUCKED"

Far out, story of my life, except I have more Get fucked days than How do I stay single? days. This also works in other aspects of my life. Some days my Dad tells me I'm the most generous person he knows and I feel like I should love myself because I'm a pretty cool cat, and other days my english teacher tells me I'm the most insensitive person she's ever met, and I wonder how I can let myself become quite this terrible.



I'm so sick of life always being a balancing act, and someone always being annoyed at me, and me always being annoyed at me. And sitting here, not being able to figure out how to do my homework because lately I've been having a social life and some sleep. Sometimes I wonder what all of this is working towards anyway, which makes me question the purpose of life, and we all know that that never ends well.




Me: Do you think I would like me more if other people liked me more?
Paul: Probably
Me: I wish people liked me more
Paul: I'll always think you're awesome

I think my problem is that not enough people like me and that I'm a disappointment to most of the people I know. Of course, that's a bit of a cop out, because I know it's my fault for upsetting other people, but I think other people liking me would definitely be good.



I feel very happy at the moment. Everything is going well. Which means I'm bracing myself for diappointing. Isn't it funny, the way life works? When you're sad you think you'll always be sad, and when you're happy, you become sad that the happiness can never last. When do we truly get to be happy? Maybe we live for the perfect moments, even if we know it can only get worse. Maybe that happiness, and that knowledge is what it's all about.



And though admittedly all these moments are just in my head
I'll be thinking about them as I'm lying in bed
And I know that admittedly they might not even come true
But in my mind I'm having a pretty good time with you



I don't think people realise all the crap that's going on with me at the moment because I'm pretending that it doesn't effect me, and I was doing a good job too, and then things changed. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it, I don't know who I'm supposed to be. Sometimes life becomes so overly complicated that I just want to hide in a hole and read a book and go away from life. Because life is hard, and life hurts. And sadness can become so permanent, and happiness never does, and that pretty much sucks.



I got scars on my heart and they won't go away
Looking for someone to take them from me
Everybody knows I'm a little insane
Do you want me?

Your dreamer

Everyone keeps saying "I bet he's smiling up there" or "I bet he's laughing at us from heaven for getting up so early"... "he doesn't even like the cold, I bet he's annoyed at us." "I'm sure he's glad to be up there with her"

Well you know what?
You aren't anywhere.
You're gone.
That's it. Game over.
You didn't even believe in heaven. There's nowhere for you to go.

So today we tossed those pieces of you from the box you've been in for so long.
Because today is your birthday...
But see, it isn't.
Because it's all over now.
Everything.
Every last piece of you is gone.

And now we move on. We go on with our lives, and what? We pretend like nothing ever happened? We make jokes about you being in heaven?

...I don't think I can.


I miss you...
...I think that's what I'm getting at...
I can't live if living is without you... or something like that.

Wish you were here,

Free falling

“You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.

You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.”

"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."



"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."

But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.



You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.

“You always believed what you saw. Until you learned to believe what you felt.

Do what you feel is right and you will always be doing the right thing."

stress session

maybe i am pushing myself just a little too hard at the moment to get everything perfect, and to be perfect. but i feel like if i can just get things worked out into some sort of routine, the next 2 years will be a lot easier.

i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.

that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.

of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.

but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.

and life goes on.
...life always goes on.

(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))

Break

Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages



Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.

Karen is cool!

"Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticise others"

Confession #35: I can't spell criticise, or occassionally. =S

"Someone is always better than you" - soulcages



Today's post is inspired by Karen. She is my bloggy twin. She makes me smile. =) And she thinks I have sexy legs =D



I can't swallow a tablet or whistle. But my sister can't use a canopener, and my mum can't roll an R. And maybe you can't click, or swim, or ride a bike, but it doesn't really matter. There's more to life than being able to click, and it's time we appreciated the important things.
You know what? I give awesome hugs.
And my sister is an amazingly loyal friend.
And you guys are reading my blog!
And that's something all in itself.
Thank you =)



At first she didn't really know what she was getting herself into. She didn't mean to fall in love... not really. But then he started being all amazing and wonderful, and telling her she was special, and making her feel worthwhile. And... after a little while, she started believeing him, until eventually, she couldn't survive without hearing what he had to say. And at some point in time, it went beyond wanting to hear good things about herself, she just wanted to hear what he was going to say next. She just wanted him to know that he was beautiful too. She was just in love with him.



He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.




I'm actually quite terrified of the truth.
She told me the truth today.
She often does.
It makes me want to kill her.
Sometimes, the truth isn't very pretty.
And sometimes, what people think is the truth, is just half a story they will never bother to hear the ending to.
So she can tell me her stupid twisted idea of the truth.
But she is wrong.
They're all wrong.



I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.



I just wanted to personally thank you for ruining my life.
I can never look at myself the same.
I can never be proud of myself.
I'm not sure I can ever love myself.
I am scarred by the very thought of you.
I want to wake up and find out it was all a dream.



Sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't matter for anything.
I care so much about what other people think of me, that I've stopped caring what I think of myself. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I'd rather have everyone else in the world like who I am, than like myself.
And I think I do it all for her.
I've never been good enough.
I've never been right.
I've never lived up to her expectations.
And I want to make someone, anyone proud of me.
But I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.
Because at the end of the day, I don't even like myself.