Post-exams

It feels like so long since I've written here because all I do now is talk to myself as I'm driving home and that helps me deal with things. And there are so many things I wish I could say but I'm never going to say them...

I get so frustrated so easily and my patience is so thin these days. Maybe there is something horrible about buying something I don't really like for more money than I want to pay just so I can say I bought something. But then maybe there's something horrible about giving someone money for their birthday and forcing them to buy a new outfit when you know they hate buying clothes.

And it's not just the trying on clothes and feeling uncomfortable and curtains never really closing and where do you put your other clothes when you try them on, it's also the I'm a different size in every shop and the why is there a piece cut off this in such an awkward spot? and the this could do with a few more inches/metres of material and the why would I give you $100 when all you did was put some paint on some fabric?

Of course there's also the I would rather be playing pokemon because we have been training for days and we are ready for the goddamn elite four and why am I wasting my holidays in a shopping centre?

But the thing I'm ranting about here isn't even the shopping, it's not the shopping that made us sit down and look at each and decide we wanted to go home and cry. It's life. And I'm doing it all again.

I tell myself that everything will be better when exams finish because I will have Spare Time and I can spend it with people I care about but holidays go so quickly and days are so short, they get shorter every time I look. And I can't even manage to see all the people I want to see let alone play my video games.

And every holidays I tell people I want to see them and then they make plans and I hate them for ruining the time I want to spend sleeping in and playing Sims. But i go because it's Polite and frankly because I want to get it over with so I can feel like I've satisfied the Requirements of Friendship and that I can go back to doing nothing with my life without guilt.

And I complain that I have no friends but I don't even want friends because that's one more person you have to Please and you have to Make Time For. And I don't want any of that shit.

I don't even know if I'm happy right now. I literally cannot tell. What is happy?