The prize

I know,
You might roll your eyes at this,
But I'm so,
Glad that you exist.

---

So yes I feel nostalgic for that time when I was still figuring things out and making eye contact with someone could still give me butterflies and playing the game

But there is something in the contentment of coming home to the same person every day and having someone I can rely on and someone to look after and who looks after me. In coming home after a long day and having you cook me dinner. In not having to play the game anymore because I've won.
I've won the game that everyone is playing.
And you are a wonderful prize.

---

Sometimes it feels like I have everything I've ever worked for and sometimes it feels like I've failed at everything. Particularly when I break things. I hate breaking things. Maybe one day I will wake up and everything will feel ok but I think that day might be a while away. Do other people have those days? Or is it just always disappointment?

Do I blog more when I'm sad or am I just always sad?

---

And part of me is always terrified that we are going to wake up one day and realise we have grown too far apart and don't love each other any more.
Us, the fairytale couple.
The party pie and the sausage roll
The scientist and the engineer
The logician and the dreamer
The selfless and the selfish
The brain and the brawn
The yin and the yang

Us who compliment each other in every way.
Will stop being us.

And we will be left with nothing. Because all we have is each other, and all we want is each other and all we know is each other. And we will be stuck knowing and wanting and having nothing.

I don't want to be that empty.

Happiness is a destination, not a journey

I'm exactly where I was a year ago and it's still just as hard. It's stressful, putting this much pressure on myself. I know that this is why I chose this job, I work so well under stress and pressure, I want a job that I can devote everything to and see something in return and I definitely have that, I'm just not quite at the point I need to be at yet that will actually make this all feel ok. People keep telling me not to take on so many things and responsibilities and stresses and I smile at them and tell them I'm ok and sometimes I even believe it.

But I am happy. I'm stressed but I'm happy. I don't feel sad anymore. I didn't know that the day could come where I could be happy. I don't even remember what sad feels like and that is a major achievement for me. I've spent some time culling my life of all the things that brought me down and trying to keep the things I like. I've gotten rid of some toxic people and I've brought in some plants and teddy bears and books. So many books.

I love to read, I've always loved to read, and now I work at a place that has a library and I can just have books all the time without having to really go out of my way or like, pay for them. Libraries are miracles! Books let me have all the experiences that I don't actually want to experience. Maybe that's why I still like teen fiction so much, because I haven't had all the teen experiences yet and I feel like I need to before I move on. Maybe I'm just super immature.

I still sometimes second guess my choices. I suppose I've made the choice to forego a lot of experiences, in exchange for a number of other experiences. And I suppose that's ok. But I've always been the girl who loves options and suddenly I don't have the options anymore. I've chosen. I've never made such concrete choices before.

But here I am with a mortgage and an impending marriage and a permanent job that I can keep for the rest of my working life and it seems like things are really set in stone. I've made concrete choices. Which is fine, it's fine, I'm happy. This is happy.

Seriously, this is why I struggle so much to discipline students, I'm just so goddamn cheerful.

Having me back.

You say that I make you sound like superman but the truth is that you do feel like a hero to me. For so long I had to be the hero and it was so exhausting and staying on top of everything was so hard. And now I have you. You with your superhero cape. You with all your annoying habits. I feel like I can only be me when I'm with you. And I missed me. It's nice to have me back.

And now I'm an Adult with Responsibility and I have to do everything myself and buy everything myself. And I am so unbelievably happy. I haven't had a sad thought in a month. I thought I'd been making excuses for being miserable for so long but it turns out my excuses were valid. I don't have to be miserable anymore. I don't have to hate every day. It feels like a giant weight has been lifted... Like coming up for air. And I'd been drowning for so long I barely remembered what air was.

Harry Potter movies

Sometimes it's amazing how little it takes to make me happy.

Just one day of watching Harry Potter movies with you and talking about bad fan fic, eating chicken nuggets with too much sauce, as you cough up phlegm every five minutes. I want to watch movies with you when you're sick and take care of you for as long as you'll let me.

There are some memories we make that last for a long time and I hope that one of them is watch Harry Potter 5, for the first time ever, in your arms.

(You make me so happy that even the bad weather can't bring me down)

(If I ever wanted to cast a patronus, all I would have to do is think of you)

And then you say things like "Why is there a part of me that dies every time I finish a story?" and I just want to cuddle you forever and not let you lose any more of yourself.

But I'm happy, you know? I'm the happy I thought I'd lost.

Best friends

The nights we stay up late talking are my favourite kind of nights; sharing everything with each other, even the things we're ashamed of and the things we thought we wouldn't tell. Sometimes it makes me so happy I can't feel it any more. Sometimes you make me scared I'll never be that happy again. But you take away the numbness and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Thanks for being my best friend ever. Thanks for staying up just in case I need to text you, even when I'm out with friends. Thanks for holding my hand when I'm so sad and stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thanks for listening to me freaking out about everything and letting me cry. I can't tell you how lost I would be without you.







Man it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

Wonderful

So there's this realisation that I had yesterday.
Glorious yesterday.
Waking up next to you
And going bowling with you
And eating a pretzel with you
That you almost let me finish

I had this realisation
That you let me be me
You are ok
With me having my own life
And my own interests
Distinct from yours.

You don't ask me to do things
Just because you like them
You don't make me watch your movies
Or listen to your music
Or play your games
You get excited when I ask to
But you never ask me to

And I think, that's very new and different for me
To not have be anything
Except me
And I love it
I love being able to be me
And letting you be you
And not judging each other for who we are

We are very different people
And we have very different interests
And you pretend to understand physics
And I pretend to understand computer... things
And everything is wonderful
And you are wonderful



Oh my gosh Ebony, stop writing about your fucking boyfriend, we get the picture.

Let's void some warranties, my love

Reasons I love you

I don't love you for the butterflies in my stomach, or the flutter of my heart when you whisper in my ear. It's not the stretch of your shirt as you reach for the top shelf or the way the light hits your eyes on the bus to uni. It's not the smile on my face when I see the message is from you, or the inside jokes we have. It's not for the way you cuddle me between games in CoD or the way you shoot people trying to kill me, even though you know I'll tell you off for taking my kill. It's not because you cook me dinner when I go over after work, and serve it in one big bowl with two forks. It's not because we have identical taste in jewellery, or because you watch home shows with me and my mum. It's not because, after all this time, you feel what I've been feeling and you want a stronger commitment. I don't love you for the happy tears you make me cry, the overwhelming, I-have-never-known-joy-like-this-before tears. It's not because we're both addicted to the same colour at the same time, or because we're always thinking the same thing. It's not because you always know when I'm upset and you wipe the tears from my eyes before I know they're there. It's not when you buy the t-shirt I pick out and I buy the jacket you pick out.

It's because, when I get sad, really sad, depressed about my life direction and my place in the world, unmotivated to wake up in the morning, when I want to give up on everything, I talk to you. And I love being me, all over again. Because you give me purpose, and direction, and get me excited about my life. Because when my world is falling apart, and I feel like I can't take it anymore, I feel my pocket vibrate, and you remind me that you're thinking of me.

I love you in an over-the-top, unfathomable way.
I love you in a way that I can't figure out how to put into words.
I love you like a bee loves honey. Without the regurgitation part. With the shelter and the well-being and the co-dependence part.
I love you.


I have to stop writing now and go and study for midsems, oh life is so hard. ;)

Terms and conditions

1. We will be honest about everything, we will tell each other everything.
2. When things become difficult, we will work through them, we will not give up easily, we will talk about everything.
3. If we feel ourselves drifting apart, we will tell each other, and we will try to figure out a way to change it.
4. If we develop little crushes on other people, we'll tell each other. But we won't make them into a big deal.
5. If we fall out of love, we will tell each other.
6. We are not expecting a forever, or even the rest of our lives. For now is good. For now is right.
7. We will support each other through everything, through all the stresses in life, from uni to work to crazy families.
8. When things about you start to annoy me or vice versa, we will tell each other.

I love you.

Time is never spare

Just quickly blogging because I have a little bit of spare time before bed.
I'm pretty excited for easter this year, I've bought both my presents awesome chocolate, and having been sharing eggs with everyone at uni. It feels good. :-)
I also love the idea of a few days off to uni to breathe and get ahead and study for exams that are on as soon as we get back.
I'm kind of a bit over people lately... Some people are so pretentious or mean or hypocritical and I don't want to point it out but I don't want to deal with their crap either. I mean, the bullshit isn't as bad at uni as it was it school, but it's still bullshit. I kind of just want to get out of uni, get a job, and get on with my life.
And speaking of getting on with my life, I want to get on with it with you. Two years on and I still get butterflies when you cuddle up to my neck on the way home. The light hitting your eyes still makes my heart skip a beat, and sometimes you look so beautiful I can't help but kiss you. I joke that if I help you with uni, you owe me your career and have to buy me a puppy, but I truly hope that you stay with me long enough to buy a house and a dog and do all the things we dream of doing.
Good night! Happy easter! Go and stuff your faces with chocolate

Funny...

It's funny how things happen...
One minute you're cuddling on the lounge watching NCIS:LA and the next you're addicted to pokemon blue. Addicted in that sad, terrible way that makes you not want to leave the house, or get out of bed, or shower. The way that makes you hate everyone around you for interrupting your training, the way that makes you long for the holidays to never be over. That makes you lose concentration when driving because your boyfriend has his tablet out and you're interested in his battles.
But I still don't know...
If it's the way that makes you hate everyone around you. Because I do. And I don't know why. For a girl who used to feel so much love, I now feel so much hate, so much anger. And I joke that I only have two friends. But I feel that that is true. The friend who you call when you have a car crash, crying to. And the friend that is there next to you, holding you, drying your eyes. Trying not to be mad.

I mean, sure, there are other people in my life. the people I text as we weave our way through peak hour traffic on Pennant Hills road.The people I get excited to see at parties, and the people I DNM about life boys with. But, as mum puts it, I don't have friends I see every few weeks.Which is apparently the normal length of time to go without seeing "friends". And here I thought it was twelve months...

---

But, I'm happy. I'm happy with the two friends I do have, and I'm happy with hating everyone else instead of hating myself. I'm happy with my life, and how things are going with it... I'm happy with where my life is going.
I've also started reading again these holidays, which is lovely, and I miss it.
So goodbye, for now. I will go and be happy.

Headspace

Another bonus plog for being slack... because I promised Damian

I’ve decided that when I have $2000 in my change jar (or however much it costs to get a return ticket to Spain), I am coming back here. It makes me so sad that I have this incredible family that I’m not going to see for years and years. Everyone is so lovely, but their lives are so hard, and most can’t afford to visit Australia. Unemployment is crazy high here and everyone’s worried about their kids and their futures… but everyone is still so nice and they take us out to dinner and buy us lollies and show us the sites. They can’t afford anything, but what they have, they share and it’s like a completely different meaning to family to what I’ve seen before. Maybe Australians are greedy or maybe our culture is just different, but whatever it is, I love it here, and I want to spend forever here. Note to self: Must learn Spanish in a proportional rate to the increasing wealth of my change jar. (Tiredness leads to grammatically incorrect sentences; can’t even think of a simple way to phrase this.)

The saddest thing happened to us on the drive to Ayegui that no one else even thought was sad. A guy on the side of the road at traffic lights was selling tissues and dad had stolen my last packet that morning due to his illness and decided to buy them. He asked “how much are they?” and the guy said “just give me some money so I can eat”. Like, he doesn’t even have a price, he just needs something to live on, and that’s one of the saddest things ever. How many people will turn him away because they can’t be bothered to search for change, or are impatient to get on with their journey? Life is so sad and horrible and the fault is not within ourselves but in the stars.

I’m in a really good headspace here and I’m not sure if it’s the place, the people, or the lack of uni stress. I feel like I can achieve anything I set my mind to and I’m willing to try for a few things. Here is my “carefully written list of short-term goals”:
• Earn enough money in the next three years to be able to come back and visit Spain. If I save $2000 in my change jar, I’m willing to take the rest of the necessary money out of my savings. Therefore, if I accumulate money in change jar at an approximate rate of $13/week, this goal will be achieved. Factoring in my tutoring job that gives me $45/week in cash, this should be totally attainable.
• Learn Spanish. I don’t need to be able to speak in Spanish, I have plenty of translators here to do that for me. But I want to increase my vocabulary, to the point where I can understand the simple phrases my aunts and uncles ask me, and can order from a menu that isn’t translated. I’m not entirely sure how to go about this and I expect it will be quite difficult but, learning Spanish has always been on my bucket list.
• Find a better organisation system for uni. Last semester, I ran out of space in my maths books before anything else, and I only printed some lectures… I think I might have two books, one for lectures one for tutes, and not print lecture slides because they’re there at the end when I need them anyway… maybe numbers or something.
• Try hard at uni early to relieve later stress particularly during exam time. This is going to be crazy hard for me because uni starts tomorrow and when I get back to Australia I’m already going to have two weeks to catch up on, but I think I can do it… I might start listening to lectures on my holiday. Am I that pathetic? Maybe. (Don’t say pathetic, say dedicated Ebony).
• I’m going to cook more when I get back to Australia so I can have some edible food for lunch. In Spain, most of the food is rice and potato based, so I think I should try and replicate some of that at home. Plus, learning to cook is a generally good thing, even if my boyfriend will always be better at it than I am (but I beat you with desserts darling).
• Stop making up crap in my head. My fucking mind is a complete piece of shit and I am over dealing with it. I have enough things in my life to keep me occupied without overanalysing other peoples’ actions and words. If someone wants to tell me something, they will, otherwise, don’t go looking for it.
• Try and be a little less me and a little more what I want to be. Most people grow out of the stage where they talk too much and demand attention from people and are in your face all day. I am a child. And everything you say about me is everything I hate about me so I can understand why you don’t like me. I’m sorry I ruined everything for you. I love you. More than I thought I could, considering I barely know you.

(Just realised that these feel like new years' resolutions because I have such a long holiday and it's summer so it feels like January)


And that's all folks... will catch up on normal posts when I have spare time...

Realistic Expectations

Another tragically mushy blog.
I would not drive to the ends of the Earth for you. Setting aside the fact that the Earth has no end; my car is unreliable and it would probably break down a million miles from nowhere with no one to help me and no phone reception. I am more inclined to catch a commercial air flight to the nearest major city and call you to come and get me.

And I would not walk a thousand miles for you. I am terribly unfit and, due to my hatred of water, I would probably dehydrate or drop dead on the way there. But I would walk to your house on a hot day just so we can lie in the park together.

I would not move a mountain for you. The Earth’s tectonics are not to be messed with, particularly by an individual, and if you asked me to, I would probably think you’d gone mad. Perhaps I would move a small mound of dirt or something, if I had a wheelbarrow.

I would not catch a star for you. First of all, stars are not moving, and those that appear to be are actually meteoroids. Second of all, stars are very hot and I would get burned. Third of all, stars are very big and I am very weak, when I’m not with you. But I wish for you on them all the time.

I would not write a song for you. You hate love songs and I have no musical talent and you tell me off when I sing. I listen to love songs and think about you, though.

I would not find the pot of gold from the end of the rainbow for you. Rainbows are just the reflection of water in raindrops and they don’t even lead anywhere. But I will give you anything material that I can. .

I would not walk through hell for you. Hell does not exist, and if it did, I would not go there, and you would not ask me to. I would walk on hot sand though, to be by your side (really hot sand, not just a little bit hot).


I guess my point is, I don't have unrealistic expectations of our relationship. I am not as naive as I used to be. I don't want to spend forever with you, or even the rest of my life. But a good 30 years would be nice ;)

My holiday

I wrote this 10 days ago and for some reason it didn't post. Ohh well, posting now

---

This is going to be an unusually mushy blog. Bare with it, it doesn't happen very often.

The best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you don't just put up with me. I once said that the perfect man would be able to deal with my perfectionism in building sandcastles. Which I suppose means that you are beyond perfect. Because you were more anal than I was about the slant of the castle wall, and the width of the moat. In fact, you cared so much about my castle, that you built me a wall. A wall so beautiful and big, it could withstand any wave. A wall that protected my castle in the same way you protect me, by wrapping itself around it.

The second best part of building a sandcastle with you is that when it is finished, you walk into the water,holding my hand. You will only go so far that oncoming waves just touch your knees, and no further. Which I take as excuse to throw wet sand at you, and you take as an excuse to throw it back. So we have a sand fight and I run further into the ocean to persuade you to join me; to go further than knee deep.

The third best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you are always full of surprises. So when I take those few steps further, expecting you to be too stubborn to get even your legs wet, you dive straight into the ocean. And I follow gradually, too scared to get wet too quickly as the water is far too cold. And you tell me to grow some balls and I remind you that they are not anatomically necessary for me. And you laugh and I smile and you smile and you kiss me. And I kiss you back.

The fourth best part of building a sandcastle with you is that once we've finished swimming and we're ready to go home, we jump on our castle. So some other little kids don't come and do it when we leave. And then we walk up the never ending sand holding hand whinging about the pain of walking on sand.

And now I'm back at home, without you. Without you hugs, your warm chest, the way you hold me when you play games. Without your smell, your eyes, the cute look you have when you blow me kisses.

Please never stop chasing me into the ocean, I don't ever want to stop chasing you.

The tank of life

Listening to the songs I used to play to feel the moods I used to love and driving the streets that never seemed to end. Oh how things change, don't they? Because now the songs make me feel so much more, and the moods make me feel a little sick to the stomach. Now, the street is over before the song reaches the second verse. Now, the drive home is one I make with reluctance. The drive home doesn't even take me to a place that feels like home.

---

Why am I adopting you all? Why am I trying so hard for people to like me? Why does everyone else's opinion matter more to me than my own? I should stop listening, and start thinking and feeling.

---

Even when I'm mad at you, you're the one who makes me stop crying, you're the one i want to hug, I naturally move closer to you. I hate that you have so much control over me, I hate that I do anything for you, but I love that you make me so happy. I'll keep trying if you keep trying <3

---

What a beautiful day to be an Ebony... everything is going so well, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.
Ever so clean.

Doing Something

What's wrong with me? Why do you want me to be different? I actually like me now, I love me, but you don't. what don't you like about me? why do you want me to be something that I'm not? Why don't you like me?

---

And you're right, there isn't a right thing for everyone, I can't do anything that will be perfect for everyone. But I still want to be utilitarian. Is what's best for me the best thing? Yeah, I have to do something. But what?
...I can't do this for much longer.

---

Counting down the minutes until I can leave... what a wonderful way to live

only my internet has issues

So I suppose it has been a while since I blogged. That tends to be what I do. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but I’ve been having Internet issues, plus I always feel guilty for blogging instead of studying considering I have 7 assessments in a 4 week window. But life’s too short to study, right? …or something like that.

So life has been going on as it is so prone to do, and I have found myself in a bit of a black hole of misery, as I am so prone to do. I mean, I still enjoy life, I’m still glad to wake up in the morning, I still like going to school; I just burst into tears at inconvenient times and have half of my teachers thinking I’m depressed, which may or may not be true. I mean, honestly, you know you’ve got problems when you listen to Taylor Swift songs on loop. Although I suppose that can be said for many other artists, too.

So, I uh, yeah, have some issues I suppose. I’m feeling very Holden Caulfield of late. It’s weird and slightly terrifying to think that I am perhaps the happiest person living under my roof.


---


When you make it seem like you value my opinion, I feel like a more credible human being. When you search me out to tell me that you want to talk to me, I feel like my presence is valued. Sometimes I think you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. I am so pathetic :)


---


Sometimes you act like I am a really important part of your life, and sometimes you don’t even care about me. Is it silly to miss you when you stop replying to my messages? Is it pathetic that I am always the initiator of our conversations? Do you actually like talking to me, or are you just too nice to say you don’t; maybe you can just tell that I need you.


---


And speaking of needing people… do you still read this? Do you still know that I need you? That I miss you? That I want you in my life? Or have you also moved on in this big scary world and left me behind? I know we said we can’t be friends yet, but it would be nice to hear from you again.


---


And somehow I can’t imagine being able to survive this without the knowledge that you are for me, you are here in my life, you are here by side, if not always physically, then metaphorically. You are my hug at the end of a long day, you are my cure to the tears, you are the smile that disappears far too often from my face.


------

sorry, Internet is too laggy for pictures. Have a good day.

How Much I Want To Hold You

"Perhaps it is ridiculous to think that you'll never feel further than your nerve endings... but even I know that the best love letters lack form or shape, but are given in glances and gestures; the sad smile across the canopées; the tighter grip on your hand to keep the panic attack at bay."

This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:



"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three



“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson



"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "



And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.

I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.

And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.



"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"

Giggly and stupid

Ok, seriously people, if you don't want to read my blog, DON'T READ IT. Don't read it and then whinge to me that I talk about sex too much (one time, seriously, one time!)
At least three people have mentioned to me recently that they read my blog for the first time in forever recently, and then preceded to complain about it.
Go away. I do not want you here.
That is all.
(Pay no attention to my squirtiness as this post goes on)



I don't know if I want other people to be happy. I don't know if I want to be a nice person. I don't know why I should stop being selfish. Because, why shouldn't I be happy? And bad shit happens to good people so often, that it's hardly worth being good.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to be happy, you know?



You are so incredibly beautiful and I wish I could tell you that often enough that you would start to believe me. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I wish I could see what you see when you look at me.
I think we're good for each other (and so does my mum?) because I think we can make each other see that.



I feel like a burden on everyone in my life because all I want to do is talk about you, and I'm sure that's the most annoying thing in the world. But I am me when I'm with you. And when I don't remember who I am, I think of you. I'm sorry if I talk about you too much, it's just that, I love you.



You give me the giggly, stupid smile that Nikki says makes me look like I'm soft centered. Holding your hand makes me happy in an over-the-top way. I start missing you before you even leave. Sometimes I sit on Nikki's bed and start smiling and she knows straight away that I'm thinking of you. But I'm always thinking of you. You have taken permanent residence in my mind and I don't want you to leave. I don't want to give up this feeling. Ever.

Goodbye sunshines.

Sunshine lollipop

I'm sorry that it took me forever to tell you. You see, I was waiting for a perfect moment, because I'm still naive enough to believe that perfection exists. And then I was sitting there, looking at you, and I felt like you had to know right then. And there were so many times when I nearly said it accidentally and then I stopped, but I thought, hey, I may as well just say it. So I did. It didn't even feel real for second, I think because of all the times I nearly said it and didn't, but then you didn't hear me anyway, so I felt kind of silly. But then I said it again, and you heard me, and you smiled, and that was nice, and you laid down next to me and you said it back and that was lovely. And then there were fireworks and a choir and a freaking symphony, so I guess, maybe, it was as close to a perfect moment as I could get.



I feel so weird, being allowed to be happy. I know that sounds ridiculous because
a. there have been many times where I've told my blog I'm happy,
b. I always smile and
c. everyone is allowed to be happy
but it feels weird in a nice weird way. I've never been able to care about someone without something holding me back and now that nothing is, I feel free.

Why not be worse?

Happy new year?

ok, so I haven't blogged in a while.
I've actually been busy.
This beautiful thing has happened these holidays, I actually have a life (sitting around watching star wars movies isn't a life ebony, what are you talking about?).
So yeah, I've been off living as much as my mum will allow.
Which isn't very much.
But we won't get into that now.
Anyways, I hope we're all starting 2011 on a high note, and not feeling too old just yet. I haven'y made any resolutions this year, although I have a sort of life plan.



Ebony's life plan for 2011:

Be happy.
Try hard at school, but don't stress out. If all else fails I can always become a teacher. (Oh wait? That's what I want to be? What's the problem them?)
Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
Earn money. Because I feel guilty when I can't afford things because I spend $600 on photos of myself (I was meant to tell that story ages ago, but something stopped me).
Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...that's about it.



I've realised that I'm insanely needy and clingy and that I have problems with myself. I like you because around you I like me. And then, she started saying that stuff and I started liking me less. Now I'm scared to be around you because I no longer think that I'm enough for you. I wish I could get over myself. I felt so sad lying there with you, thinking about how I will never be good enough. Maybe I am good enough? Maybe the fact that you want me means I'm good enough. But maybe I'm not. I guess, either way, I'll survive.



I used to do this. I actually used to think of reasons to go into coles at time I knew you were working. I'm so retarded :L Then again, I would probably still be doing this now if I actually needed anything from coles. I miss you when you're not there. Especially your smell. Nikki said the other day that she was worried because I always say you smell good but I never say you look good. But you do look good. You look amazing. You just smell fucking brilliant.



I don't even have facebook. But one of the only reasons I let her add you as a friend is so that I could stalk you. I don't look at it everyday, I'm not that obsessive (ok, so she changes the password too often) but I did start getting annoyed when it took you too long to change your relationship status.



Sometimes, you make me feel like this. Far out, you can be so irritating. Why do you feel the need to control everything about me? Is it so much to ask to have a life? And you say you try to understand me, but I'm really not that hard to understand so you mustn't be trying too hard. I am a stereotype. I have accepted this. But surely, stereotypes are the easiest to understand. What make me so complicated? Why don't you like me being happy?



It's so easy for me to be miserable these days, I feel like I'm trapped in my own house, and being here makes me sad. Every time I walk in the front door, a wave of sadness washes over me. As if I can feel my mum's disappointment in me radiating out of her body. I miss my dad. I miss him more than I thought I would. I need my licence =S