No letters. Just bills.

You may not know it, but your distance and ignorance are slowly breaking my heart.
When i say “i’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying. - IWroteThisForYou

---

Sometimes I wonder where all my time goes. Because, seriously, I don't work all that often, just like, 8 hoursish a week. So then, where is all the time? And then I realise that I come home and do homework/study for about 4 hours every night. =S

---

And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me

---

And I used to have this thing that I wouldn't do schoolwork on Friday, cause I has the weekend. But now I reserve the weekend for work/family time. And my family does a lot of random socialising. So now I work really hard all week. And bludge all weekend. And feel guilty for bludging and eat chocolate. And then eat guilty for eating chocolate and eat a salad. And now my mum doesn't know why I keep buying salad, and I'm never hungry by dinner time.

---

“And I've always hated the way you would come into my life and arrange things in my heart room.

Then you left by the same door you came in as though nothing happened.

But nothing's the same anymore. I can't find my keys, my piece of mind, my reasons to live. You were here and you destroyed the peace that was me.

You looked on. You just look.” – howimissedyou

---

And I had a solution to the problem because I would just chew gum and I would get the flavours without the guilt because I wasn't eating. And then she came and said that chewing gum is bad because you stomach creates all these acids to digest the food and then you end up with extra acids, and my stomach is already too acidy from drinking too much juice and having screwed up genes, so all I can do is eat chocolate.

---

"Scars are good, I think, because they don't hurt anymore but they don't let you forget. They don't melt away into nothingness, they are merit badges, they are battle wounds that show you how far you've come." - CleverGirlGoesBlog

---

And I'm supposed to be studying physics as I write this, but physics is my least favourite subject to study because it's so hard. Which is weird, because I find the subject easy, just the study hard. So if you ask me to study legal, or chem I'll do it easily, but physics makes me want to bludge.

---

“We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.

And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.

No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.

No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.

No letters. Just bills.” - IWroteThisForYou (listofchanges)

---

And that's it. I'm gonna stop venting about how undedicated I am, and go and find a uni course for my sister (useful budging, promise) and then consider studying physics.

Live long and prosper,

Bigger dreams

I don't think I have found myself yet.
Perhaps that's obvious?
Is there some sort of point we reach in our lives, when we just know who we are? And we know what we want? Or does it go on like this forever?

I'm just so damn confused.


And at times like these, we turn to TSwizzle

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
Ive found that time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

We're all just a bunch of magnets

Right now, I am so happy with the person that I am.
I enjoy being me.
And that makes me happy.

(So does seeing little birdies walking along the tops of cars. IT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY, OKAY??)

Anyway, so, I meant to post this ages ago, and it was playing at coles today, so I'm like, yeah, I'll blog that song.

This is who I am, to some extent.
I'm the crazy girl who tells you to smile because the world is a beautiful place, that gets excited in English when I say something remotely intelligent (we call them 'English moment's), I'm the girl who tells you to have a happy ending. Who pesters you about your secrets until you have no choice but to tell me, and then I regret hearing them (I know, I know, I should learn. I don't). I'm the girl who has exact trig ratios and a period table blu tacked above my computer, just in case =L. I'm the girl who will always give you a "leagl buddies hug", and who prefers the letter I to Y, G to J, and K to C. I'm the girl who crazy dances to lady gaga when no one can see me, and who singstars to abba when no one can hear me. I'm the girl who believes you're never too old to cry in a corner. I'm the girl who can lie as if it were the truth and never get caught, but I'd rather be honest. I'm the girl who hopes you miss me as you're looking for yourself out there. I'm the girl who thinks she's a magnet. I'm the girl who just wants to be cared about.

And yet, I'm somehow empty...


Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Your dreamer

Everyone keeps saying "I bet he's smiling up there" or "I bet he's laughing at us from heaven for getting up so early"... "he doesn't even like the cold, I bet he's annoyed at us." "I'm sure he's glad to be up there with her"

Well you know what?
You aren't anywhere.
You're gone.
That's it. Game over.
You didn't even believe in heaven. There's nowhere for you to go.

So today we tossed those pieces of you from the box you've been in for so long.
Because today is your birthday...
But see, it isn't.
Because it's all over now.
Everything.
Every last piece of you is gone.

And now we move on. We go on with our lives, and what? We pretend like nothing ever happened? We make jokes about you being in heaven?

...I don't think I can.


I miss you...
...I think that's what I'm getting at...
I can't live if living is without you... or something like that.

Wish you were here,

You are here. With me.

Tomorrow, I will be strong, and I will not let it hurt me. I will be there for people, and I will not crack. But if I do, I know you will still forgive me, and that gives me hope.

Avoidance

I might just be blogging to avoid my english essay, and yes that makes me feel guilty, but I don't care about english, and I want to care, because it has to count, but I just can't do it. And I'm not one to give up on things, but I think I'm giving up on this.

And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.

So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.

And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.

"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"

I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.


Wish you were here.

Ole!

Yeah, it was a beautiful day, hanging out in the city, being a wog, and celebrating our awesome victory.
It was a beautiful day singing in Spanish, and cheering people with vuvuzelas.
It was a beautiful day eating tapas, and drinking sangria, with high spirits.

But why did you have to miss this?

You're probably the biggest fan of soccer that I know knew.
And you're definitely the biggest fan of Spain I've ever met.
And this was our year. The first time we made the finals, and the first time we won the final. You would have been ecstatic.

But you're not.
You're still sitting in a box.
And I wish you could be here to celebrate this with me. With us.
I wish I could see your smile again.
I wish I could see that beautiful pride you have for your homeland.

I miss you.

And I didn't know that I would. But I do. And I want you to come back now. Because it's hard without you. It's hard to be happy. It's hard to celebrate, when all I want to do is cry.

The Horrible

Bones break, organs burst, flesh tears.
We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain.
But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science.
No hard and fast rules.
We just have to feel our way through.

"What's the point?
The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in such a horrible place"
"Yes"
"What?"
"Yes, horrible things do happen.
Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings; that's the point."


I am not going to die from the horrible.

ps: happy birthday lisa =) i hope your day was as special as you ;)