I don't HAVE to like myself, right?

i think we're all a bit insane on the inside.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.

and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.

and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.

so you ask yourself, are you okay?

because i don't think i am anymore.

Are you ReadY?

Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday



I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.



Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up


if nobody is, that would explain some things

I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart



And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands

Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think



You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do



Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling



I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies



Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you



So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth

And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead



Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.



Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn

Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone

If I fall
Will you catch me?



Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"



Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul



I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

Looking for myself out here

Makes me wonder if I could live without love, really
And I think the world could live without pride
I'm not into deep-fried chicken, or any chicken for that matter.
I won't always need a best friend to stick up for me
I could live without the first dance, I guess
Freeze-dried romance sounds far too modern to me
Five hours is a long time to be on the phone, I'm sure three is plenty
I've never been a fan of soy lattes
But I think I miss you?

Hope.

" You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

---

"Four hundred years ago, a well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone."

I am stepping in.



You are not alone.


...if you don't want to be.

Songs for a rainy day

Ebony's Winter Playlist (for the days you need motivation to get out of bed)

please at least listen to these songs. it will make me happy
and we all want ebony to be happy!

Trouble - never shout never
Hold up a light - take that
Hey Jude - David Choi (originally by the beatles)
Let's pretend - plain white ts
tell me why - taylor swift
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners
watermark - the weakerthans
light years - wes carr
brave face - delta goodrem
the reason why - the click five
miserable at best - mayday parade
us against the world - christina milian
everything - michael buble
ordinary miracle - sarah mclachlan
vertigo - u2
when i see you smile - warrent
something - escape the fate
only one - yellowcard
18th floor balcony - blue october
cupid's chokehold - gym class heroes

Free falling

“You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.

You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.”

"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."



"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."

But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.



You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.

“You always believed what you saw. Until you learned to believe what you felt.

Do what you feel is right and you will always be doing the right thing."

Injuries/feelings/fighting

I currently have 5 band aids in various places on my person, and would have one on my finger, except I think it's too much of a waste for 24 clumsy hours.
The main reason for my bandaidage is blisters on my feet because it is clearly impossible to design shows that are comfortable. Also, my sister made me go shopping with her to buy stockings which is good because I burnt I hole in my work pants from the iron and needed to buy new ones.
I have a bad habit of picking at my fingers when I finish exams early, which is basically every exam I do, and yesterday I picked at my thumb after chem. I think I just get bored? Either way, I'm, a walking disaster area.
It's funny that all these injuries coincided with a week that my life is slightly falling apart (or maybe that's just my mind).

---

I think it is human, natural, and beautiful to be flawed. I think our quirks are what make us unique, different, are what make us who we are. They give us happiness, sadness, confusion; they give us purpose. But, there are a great number of times in my day when I wish I was not so flawed. Times I wish I could just shut up and stop talking, because everything I say annoys someone. Times I wish I could look away, turn around and walk away from what I feel; make a choice, and follow through. Times I wish I could mention a friend's name without people giving me sideways glances, I wish I could look forward to an assessment task (don't judge), without people finding alterior motives, I wish I could make eye contact with people, without others getting offended, I wish I could shake a tree without sarcastic comments.

But I made this choice. I made this choice by deciding to not keep secrets. By telling everyone everything they ask to know, and not lying, I've made a choice to put up with the glances, the comments, and the overanalysing.

I don't regret my choices, and I don't back down when people question why I'm so open.
This is who I want to be. The girl that tells everyone everything, and shakes trees, and grazes her knees fighting for chocolate. I'm the girl who fights for what I want. Whether it means scratching myself on the ground, or giving in to the teasing from my friends, and the overawaredness of other peoples' presence, I'm willing to fight. I'm willing to fight for what I think is right, for what I think is true, and I'm willing to fight to get you out of my head and my life.

I don't like this feeling, and I don't want it.

And now, I'm ready to fight.

...I think.

funny how life is

People

Banana Boy,
You know those people who walk around all dreary, and then they smile, and their face lights up? It's like, you can see a little part of their soul in that smile. You're one of those people.
But you smile everytime you catch my eye, because we've always just joked around together, usually about bananas and watermelon. Part of me wants to talk to you just to see that part of your soul, to see you smile when you see me, to be appreciated.
But, you know, I don't even remember your name, that's why I call you banana boy, and I only see you every few weeks. So it's not like we're ever gonna be best buddies.
I just like spending time with you is all. And I like teasing you. Mainly about bananas.
So, come and talk to me, I have plenty to say, and not just about imperial mandarins.

---

Genius,
Geez, don't you have a way of making me feel terrible. My achievements pale in comparison to yours, I'm nothing. You have your whole life sorted out, how can you be so intelligent? It's scary and intimidating. Yet, you have this amazing calm around you. Like people around you can be whoever they want, and you'll be okay with it. Is that because whoever they are, they will never be what you are? They will never be enough? Maybe, you have nothing to fear; you will always be the best. But I don't like being second best, so I'm gonna keep working on me. Starting now.