Best friends

The nights we stay up late talking are my favourite kind of nights; sharing everything with each other, even the things we're ashamed of and the things we thought we wouldn't tell. Sometimes it makes me so happy I can't feel it any more. Sometimes you make me scared I'll never be that happy again. But you take away the numbness and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Thanks for being my best friend ever. Thanks for staying up just in case I need to text you, even when I'm out with friends. Thanks for holding my hand when I'm so sad and stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thanks for listening to me freaking out about everything and letting me cry. I can't tell you how lost I would be without you.







Man it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

In the Park

So, Anzac Day has always been this crazily important day for me, and it's getting moreso as the years go by. Initially it was just the anzac march thing, and then the anzac biscuit thing and then the footy and now all the little traditions we have, down to the tiny details that seem incredibly insignificant.

And I love that. I love all the crazily excessive stuff we do, I love that the traditions have built when my family has been falling apart and I love that Anzac day is such a special thing for me. As I tend to put it, it's as close to a religious holiday as I get.

This year, again, it was a beautiful day of happiness and sadness and shock and pride and all the feels. I never want to stop feeling what I feel and how I feel it. I never want to stop being the girl who cries at uni as she reads a book about the most beautiful book ever written. Oh to feel this utter joy.

---

Which brings us to the nerdfighter gathering today (a transition you can't see because you don't understand the significance of failing families and religious contexts to nerdfighteria, and you don't have to[fuck off google chrome, nerdfighter is a word! It's a thing, ok?]). The gathering was sunshine and music and chatting and costumes and bear hugs with people I've never met. It was holding hands as we put money in the collection bucket and laying on the grass together. It was feeling at home and comfortable with people that most would consider total strangers to me. It was evaluating the importance of music to society and discussing hsc subjects and nerdfighter like and everything that is good. It was seeing people I haven't seen since primary and making tentative plans with people from other countries who'd better keep their asses in Sydney long enough to have coffee with me. It was being on someone's list. It was lying on the ground to see someone's face to check if they were ok, even though we've never met.

The nerdfighter gathering was everything I love about the world and everything I love about Sydney. It was everything I love about science and everything I love about education. It was explaining the concept of triple integrals and discussing different forms of intelligence. It was a reminder of what it is to have privilege and to want to eradicate privilege from the world. It was having best friends whilst being completely alone.

I hope that over time I attend many more of these beautiful gatherings and meet many more wonderful people and nerdfighter noobs. I hope I never forget to be awesome.

Goodnight my sweets.

Funny...

It's funny how things happen...
One minute you're cuddling on the lounge watching NCIS:LA and the next you're addicted to pokemon blue. Addicted in that sad, terrible way that makes you not want to leave the house, or get out of bed, or shower. The way that makes you hate everyone around you for interrupting your training, the way that makes you long for the holidays to never be over. That makes you lose concentration when driving because your boyfriend has his tablet out and you're interested in his battles.
But I still don't know...
If it's the way that makes you hate everyone around you. Because I do. And I don't know why. For a girl who used to feel so much love, I now feel so much hate, so much anger. And I joke that I only have two friends. But I feel that that is true. The friend who you call when you have a car crash, crying to. And the friend that is there next to you, holding you, drying your eyes. Trying not to be mad.

I mean, sure, there are other people in my life. the people I text as we weave our way through peak hour traffic on Pennant Hills road.The people I get excited to see at parties, and the people I DNM about life boys with. But, as mum puts it, I don't have friends I see every few weeks.Which is apparently the normal length of time to go without seeing "friends". And here I thought it was twelve months...

---

But, I'm happy. I'm happy with the two friends I do have, and I'm happy with hating everyone else instead of hating myself. I'm happy with my life, and how things are going with it... I'm happy with where my life is going.
I've also started reading again these holidays, which is lovely, and I miss it.
So goodbye, for now. I will go and be happy.

The future

"Oh I'll have to give you my number
I don't know if the stars will be this kind to me again"
And so you think it is the fate of the stars that brings you luck
I must tell you, that the fate is not within your stars, but in yourself
That you are every kindness you feel for the stars
That your every comforting word is the word of an angel.
And so we speak of our existential now
And who we are as a whole, not individuals
Isn't life funny? The way things go...
---
And I quietly beg you not to let me fade into the background of your life. I don't want to be the girl you met that time that you never saw again.
I'm not sure we can be friends how we used to be, things are different now. But I'd like to see you every now and then...
I'll miss telling you how silly you are.
I don't even know if I had a crush on you...
---
And on that day
The rain smelt of vegemite and twisties
And the way I used to kiss you
Like nothing else mattered
In my whole world
Because I had you and
You had me
And that's all we needed.
And the rain stops and I come back to reality, flirting with the idea of beig your friend.
But I don't have friends.
I don't even know what they are.
But my third best friend is an author that doesn't even know I exist.
What an affliction...
---
A withered past and a blurry future
My heart's on an auction, it goes out to the highest bid...

drink more. think less.

Bonus blog in the middle of my holiday, makes up for being slow with the posting...

"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows

"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham

"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."

I  was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.

There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?

I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!

It's half timing and the other half's luck

Everyone always says that you don't see the end coming. That you don't know it's the end, and then suddenly, there it is; things stop. You never remember the last part, you don't realise it's the last, you never saw it coming. But, what about when you know? Is there another set of special rules that apply to the end you see coming? Is there something I should particularly be thinking or doing? A tear I should not shed? A word I should not utter? Is there something I can say to change everything? And, if I do, will it not always be, somehow changed? Is it worth the words I have to say to make you stay? Or is the mere existence of the words sign enough that you should go? Maybe, it's time. I didn't even realise, I never knew, you never said.

---

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to loose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

---

Those terrible tears that can only come in solitude. The scream that no one else can hear or they would think your life is ending. And maybe it is. The tears that bring with them the running nose and puffy red eyes and friends asking "are you ok?" and strangers giving you weird looks from the car next to you at the lights. The tears reserved for you and only you. Every time you break my heart. I say that like you do it out of routine. And maybe you do. And I'm telling myself that I can write this without you reading it. I'm telling myself that you'll never know how much hurt me. Or that I think you're worth it. But of course, you will read every word. Because you stay where you always stay; far enough away to hurt, but close enough to never forget.

The happy life

Ok, so yeah, I got facebook. Whatever. Not a big deal. I haven't been morally opposed to it for over a year now or anything. It's all cool.

So I have trials in less than a week. And I don't know anything. Which is a discovery I have made quite recently. In fact, I mainly don't know anything about physics. Which is really quite worrying. But whatever, life happens, you know?



So I will bid you adieu and continue to study.
I just wanted to reassure everyone that I haven't yet killed myself from the stress of year12 (but I make no guarantees for the future).



I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Terrible things

I tend to get sad, as it gets closer to night time. I think, maybe he was right? And at the time I thought it was silly, but, you do feel lonelier at night. And I know I shouldn't be lonely because I have all these wonderful people in my life, that care about me, and are there for me. But, I can't help but feel like I want to be the centre of someone's world.



I think I'm trying to remember the person that I used to be, before... everything. And that of course leads me back to you. It always leads me back to you. Every journey of self discovery has you at the end, and that doesn't even make sense, because I'm looking for me, not you. But I keep finding you.



I miss you. I miss talking to you. I wish it wasn't like this between us. I know we have our ups and downs but I hate when we have problems because of boys. I never want our friendship to be hurt because of them (because let's be honest, boys are silly anyway). I don't know what I've done, and I don't know how to make it right, but I will try.



I keep forgetting that you love her. And then you do something simple, like ask if I know why she's mad at you, and I start crying because you actually do love her. Sometimes, I wish that she would love you too, and then everything would be ok, and maybe you could be happy together. But she doesn't. Maybe she used to, but she doesn't anymore. Maybe she never will.



Today, as I was driving with my Dad, I heard that song, and I sung it really loudly all the way home. It makes me happy that a song can make me feel so close to you. I like feeling close to you. Sometimes, I feel a bit too close to you, and then I feel weird and awkward, but usually you say something vague that makes me realise I barely know you at all. But it's still nice.

Goodnight beautiful people in my life =)

I'm still alive

Right, so, long time no post, and a lot has happened in that time.
I guess the big thing is that Victor and I broke up. Which is why my blog has been renamed "Ebony is cool". I am okay. I do not need a hug or chocolate (although both will be accepted if offered)
I've also had a physics, legal, modern, chem and english task. (Thankyou maths :L) And I did pretty well in all of them. =) The worst was probably modern which is good because I want to drop it :L, and the best is chem, which is sort of ironic.
I've worked a lot which is oh so inconvenient most of the time, but it gives me money. Which I just throw away by ACCIDENTALLY THROWING OUT MY ITUNES VOUCHER =(
I've been to Scientists' Stories at UNSW, and fallen in love. With UNSW of course. They gave me a free pen. Plus, it's damn pretty!

Speaking of UNSW, I've been to USYD and UWS this last weekend, both of which suck (maybe only because my heart belongs to unsw). UWS was more of a carnival than a uni open day. It had face painting and a petting zoo.
Talent Quest and Variety Night were last Friday. TQ was awesome, our grade is so cool it's unbelievable. And after school I went to Mac Square to get free ice cream for Katy Perry day =). Variety Night was also unbelievably cool, the atmosphere was awesome, and afterwards Amy slept over for us to talk about boys.
The dragons have been kicking ass =). Well, except that one time =L. But yeah, we're guaranteed the minor premiership, which is very cool.
YEARLYS START NEXT WEEK. Well actually, the week after next because there's none on the Friday in the draft timetable. And yeah, I'm excited, because I'm a freak and I get excited about stuff like exams.
And prefect elections were, wait, no, they haven't happened yet because our school is disorganised and can't stick to their own calendar. =L
And my ex-neighbour, Shaarn, who moved to port macquarie, moved back into my street on the weekend =) To convince herself to go to uni next year =L

And that's Ebony's life lately =)
Smile, the world is beautiful!

OMG! AMY'S BACK!

Confession #55: However immature, and worthless it was; it existed. And I can't just forget that.

"I feel like shit. But at least I feel something"

"I over analyze. Therefore, I am." – small.still on a search

All you need is love.
And blogs.
And as I have been offline (=O) for a few weeks, I have had a few blogs to catch up on.
And I thought I'd share the beauty of some of them with you.

STORM by "Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
( Teaser: "Love is what a rainbow sounds like, when it refuses to fear the storm.") (This blog is beautiful guys you HAVE to go read!!)

THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET OFF by "I Wrote This For You"
(Teaser: "You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.")

SLEEP by Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
(Teaser: " You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.") (Ah, but at the end of the day, there are parts of the dance that make it worth it, aren't there?)

I'LL WATCH THE SUNRISE WITH YOU by "Confessions of a Candyhol!c"
(Teaser: "Piglet: "How do you spell love? Pooh: "You don't spell it, you feel it."")

ON BSG, MICHAEL BOLTON & A LITTLE TEAM CALLED THE COLTS by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "I took this week off from blogging. I’m pretty sure the responsible thing to do is to let people know you are taking time off, rather than drop off the blogging universe") (Sound like me, anyone?)

TELL ME I'M NORMAL by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a robot.") (Yes, Brandy, you're totally normal!)

Her man is one I admire
He's so courageous but he's constantly tired
Each time when he speaks his mind
She pats his head and says, "That's all very fine
Exert that will of your own
When you're alone
Now we'd better hurry"
And with no trace of hesitation she keeps going

Head over heels
Breaking her way
Pushing through unknown jungles every day
She's a girl with a taste for the world

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

...Responsibility, it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Maybe if I just continue to steal blog material from other sources, I'll never have to think for myself. And I'll never have to talk about how I feel; admit to myself everything that's wrong.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm currently happier than ever in my life before; I'm just a whinger (wow, and a big fan of semi-colons today). So I, naturally, find things to whinge about. Well, the voice in my head likes to tell me everything that's not good about me and my life, and remind me of stupid things I really don't need reminding of.

Life is a little sunshine and lollipops at the moment. Which is pretty fantabulous. Except, well, little things that I can't really mention. Things that are pretty stupid because I mean like, honestly, it was pretty obvious, wasn't it? And there used to a day when you'd actually notice that sort of stuff but I guess that day has just passed for you.

Not that I'm bitching.... or anything... <>

Not too long ago, on smithteens, we made a list of 100 reasons to smile, which sorta turned into 369 reasons to smile. So now, I'm just going to share a few of them with you. Just in case you need to smile.

13. Drawing something and having it turn out well
55. Air guitar in your underwear when everyone's asleep.
75. Jumping into the ocean with your clothes on
99. Hitting the button to cross the walk multiple times
111. When your hair decides not to do some funky thing.
122. Offering the police some donuts
137. When you suddenly look nice one morning and you have no idea why.
181. Lightsabers
200. Geeky pickup lines
217. When your friends notice something’s wrong
228. Listening to a song that speaks to your soul
279. The perfect pair of jeans
323. Stickers
357. Guys who do really girly things
367. Realizing you never completely gave up on yourself.

So, yeah, I've only been writing for 2 hours, haha. I'm gonna publish this.
Smile.
Ebony loves you!

Happy Old Year

Hehe, Lisa's thing was fun.
We made lists of all the people we've ever liked (including primary and onesies) and my list was only 10 people (include one guy twice, and one guy that I only liked for an hour :L)
Lucy had like 30 something :L and amy had 17!
And Nina forgot Robert on her list :L
And speaking on Nina, I stole her quiz.

THIS YEAR I.

( ) stayed single for the whole year
(x) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
(X) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else’s heart
(x) had a stalker
(X) went over the minutes on your cell phone (attempting to spend $22)
(X) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(X) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget
( ) done something you’ve regretted
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe
(X) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(X) posted a blog
(X) listened to music you couldn’t stand
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
( ) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(X) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you (MICKEY BEAR!! D=)
(x) broke a promise
(X) lied
( ) went behind your parents back
(X) cried over a broken heart
(X) disappointed someone close
(X) hid a secret
(X) pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
(x) kept your new years resolution
( ) forgot your new years resolution
(X) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(X) changed your outlook on life
(X) sat home all day doing nothing (story of my life)
( ) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
( ) almost died
( ) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(X) learned something new about yourself
( ) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(X) made a change in your life
( ) found out who your true friends were
(X) met great people
(X) stayed up til sunrise
(X) Cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(X) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
( ) had a high cell phone bill
(X) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
(X) went to the beach with (some of) your best friend(s)
( ) saw a celebrity
(X) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(X) became closer with a lot of people

Victor told me a title wasn't necessary, he just wanted to read

one - i'm getting sick, and it sucks
TWO - I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE TODAY ABOUT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. I REALLY HOPE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.
three - i love feeling comfortable with you. i don't know how you do it. i feel like i'm at home. finally.
four - i'm not real sure what i did to annoy you. i'm sorry for always being such a bitch, though.

so...
health assignment...
mm, hasn't really happened yet
and it's not looking like it will tonight.

the other day i was looking over what i wrote about the essence of me... back in the day. I realised how much of myself has changed, just in the last 6 months. I'm happy now. I cry less, and there's always someone that notices. I don't dread turning out like mum anymore. And my fake smile ain't all that pretty. I found my real smile again. I'm getting slacker with memoirs. I think I'm perhaps a little less crazy, mainly because skipping/spinning make me dizzy.

Oooh, oooh, and speaking of dizzy, I'm FINALLY going to the doctors on Thursday!! yay!! it only took 12 weeks!

Actually, I've gotten a lot closer to my family in the last 6 months, we actually feel like a family again, and that's been a while. The only people I've really drifted from are my group. And, although I feel extremely guilty about that, I know that something's gotta give. Everything won't always be perfect, and I have to deal with things being less than perfect.

I feel like writing.
Hmm, I'll write the part of my story that I wrote ages ago.
(Seriously, I was going through these drawers the other day, and I found this, and I'm like, damn, that's insightful) (Okay, so I may or may not have only found a paragraph, and just extended on that now because I feel like writing)
---

"I can't do this anymore Luke" I said, I don't know what I wanted him to say, really, I just looked into his eyes, until he had to say something, I know he had something to say.
"Can't do what, Elle?" He gave me the same look.
"I can't keep pretending to be okay with everything that's happening to you, when I'm not! I know you have problems, okay, I get that, but you can't keep bottling them up, you have to let me in sometime. Not anyone else, you don't need to tell anyone else, but you need to let me in."
"I can't Elle, I can't let you deal with all this, I can't let it hurt you."
"That hurts more Luke, I feel like you can't trust me."
"I can, darling, I just can't hurt you."
"You already are" I tried to look disappointed, but I felt upset, so maybe my expresion came off as confused, or something else, but I was aiming for diappointed. But I was still trying to make a point, so I turned around and walked away.
"Elle! Elle, wait!"
But there was nothing to wait for really, nothing worth waiting for. I'd heard all the excuses a thousand times before, the 'i can't hurt you' and 'i care too much' and 'you won't understand', and I was over it. Completely over it. And there was nothing to wait for.
"Elle, I love you."
And I stopped. Becuase I didn't want him to think that those words had no effect on me, because they did. But I didn't turn around, because he wasn't forgiven. He just had a second chance. And I felt his arms around my waist, and his mouth against the tip of my ear, and I knew he was using his second chance wisely.
"I want to tell you" he whispered "it's just hard."
And that I could understand, I know what it's like to tell people things you never have before. I know how much trust is involved. And I knew that his problems went beyond 'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar', but admitting them was surely still difficult.
But he was trying, and I think that's what won it for me. He was trying to tell me. And even if he couldn't, that would still be ok, because he was trying, and that meant he was forgiven.
So I turned around in his arms, hugged him, and whispered "I love you too... and take your time"
And take his time he did.
But he told me.

---

And there he was; Hayden Parker.
He was the new kid on the block, the one everyone was dying to meet. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, loveable nerd. He was beautiful, he was kind, he was funny, and he was clever. He was the kind of guy to talk business with your dad, and make your mum fall for him too. The guy that made every one of your friends jealous, yet made them want to spend more time with you just for knowing him. He had an answer to every question, he always did his homework, and all the teachers loved him. He was Hayden Parker. And he was standing right in front of me.

"H-hello, I'm Elle, you must be new" That was my approach, to act kind, but as if he wasn't anyone special, and that I was nice to all the new kids.
He extended his arm "Hayden Parker" We shook hands "I just got here yesterday"
"Cool, how are you liking ____{insertschoolnamehere}____?"
"It's a good school" he said, looking around. His hair falling effortlessly as he moved his head "The people aren't bad either" and he winked at me.
"So they tell us" I giggled. That line had sounded much better in my head.
"Right... well, I've gotta go to class, I'll see you later Elle"
"Yeah, bye"
And he walked away. And I watched.

---

Lol, that was more fun to write than it should have been.
Okay, well, I've sufficiently written.
Live long and prosper.

Happy First Birthday

Hello sunshines,
It's me again.
Bored.
Again.
Dont' really have much to say.

Today is my blog's frist birthday. YAY!! *waves balloon around*
I find it very awesome that I've kept it for that long.
I mean, such dedication!
And it's been so much fun too, this whole blogging thing.

You know, I started it on Lisa's birthday. Isn't that interesting?
And I didn't even mention it was her birthday. Isn't that mean?
But yeah, IT'S LISA'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!
(That made up for it)
And it's Hunaiza's birthday too!
But she os only 15.
And Lisa is 16!!

Speaking of birthdays, tomorrow, Noha turns 15. *Pinches cheeks*
Anyways, that is that.

I am seriously soooo bored. I have been playing solitaire.
I went smithteening, but no one's really on.
No one's on MSN either.
Wow, I am really pathetic.
I guess I should go now...

Wish you were here =)

You'll never take that away

Quote: "when i told him i liked him, i worried it would be the end of our friendship, but instead it was the beginning of something so much more wonderful." – stolen from amys blog
6 word memoir: "You're number 1. Myspace says so." – WittyGinger (I don't have myspace. But I named my blog after you, im sure it means the same thing...)
Song in head: I hope you dance – ronan keating
Listening to: Dawn of a new day – in flames
Thinking about: Randomly randomness.

Annoyed by: maths studying, people who are away on msn, songs that arent on limewire
Cheered by: finishing studying, people who come back online, songs I have on CD
Mood: Bubblated :L and high, and just very happy

Today I started eating my chocolate Mr Bunny and Mrs Ducky. Mr Bunny has no ears. Muaha Mr Bunny, muaha.

-----

I'm in one of my very weird, crazy, eccentric moods. (Again? Yes!)

People have been telling me all day that I am high (pssst… I know ;)), and yes, I am still high, and yes, my feet are off the ground.

You know how sometimes things just work? Well, things are working. Except my group… sorta. But only cuz we're never all there, what with their interact stuff and all. But we're still close, I think. I mean, we just, seem to all be there for each other. It's like, an unspoken bond. For me, that is cool!

-----

My sister recommended a molto awesome song to me today.

It is called "I hope you dance" and it is my the fabulosomundo Ronan Keating link to video. Link to lyrics. It's very cuteful, and partially about his daughter (??I think).

-----

Here, this is for a laugh. (Don't take my sense of humour too seriously guys) http://www.smithteens.com/sixwords/story.php?did=47316#comments

-----

And OHMYGOSH. Why does NO ONE understand the happy scale? Dead does not mean you actually explode or anything. It means you become EMOTIONALLY dead because the emotion is uncontainable within yourself. Yes, it is possible to be that happy and that sad.

Ebony's Happiness Scale

0 – Dead

1 – Should be in rehab

2 – Depressed

3 – Very sad

4 – Sad

5 – Meh

6 – Happy

7 – Very happy

8 – High

9 – Feet aren't touching the ground anymore

10 – Dead

-----

And now for today's song. (Because a day is not a day without a song [although yesterday didn't really have one {But I sung Stay beautiful enough to make it almost yesterday song (even though it's already been used [it's my blog, I make up the rules])}])

This is from the song "calling you" (actually listen to it, it's pretty good) by Blue October (and I hope you didn't listen to 18^th floor balcony, cuz that song sorta sucks)

Well expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking if you love me
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

Well, I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming?
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me

Fall.

"I had to burn my diary because I realized that things were worse than I remembered. I never want to read it again."

Not too long ago, I started thumbing through my old diary.
I started it when I was 7/8, and kept it pretty consistently (wrote every few weeks) until year 8. (I started running out of space and didn't want to finish it unworthily[it's a word if I want it to be]).

Reading through that diary, I realise how depressed I was as a kid. I mean, each page contemplating... you know what, let's not think about that.

The point is that every now and then, I swing back into that mood. I take a really big leap, and it doesn't pay off, and I start falling. Rock bottom isn't all that an uncommon place for me.

My life works in waves. It goes up and down, and up and down. Happy and sad, happy and sad. The last time everything was sad, I didn't really tell my blog. I think that was probably bad for me, because I didn't face up to it. But it was also better for me because I made myself focus on the positives in everything. I'll tell you next time though.

At the moment, the waves occur very quickly. Home is very negative, school/blog is very positive. But it's evening out... or at least everything is becoming more positive :L.

I realised today that I do my own thing now. I don't just take things for what they are, I challenge everything, I ask too many questions, and I figure out what I want to do, not what everyone else wants me to do. It's a nice change...

You know what Corinne said to me today whilst we were DNMing?? (Hello Corinne)
She said "When I'm having a bad day, I like to talk to you, you make me happier"
Yes, that made my day yesterday :L

That, and, butterflies and rainbows (cough).

Anyways! LAST time I wrote these lyrics on my blog (all the way back on April 6th), they had a special purpose. Today, I was looking over my blog... and I read them and realised that a lot of what they were used for then applies to what I wanted todays song for.
But, it's been used before, so you only get a snippet.
(I've been listening to the first two lines on loop for about 20 minutes now. le sigh.)

You look so beautiful today...
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away...
So I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away
And I can't lie
Everytime I leave my heart turns grey...

-----

OK, this is today's song...
i actually can't find it on youtube =S

it's called 'my little angel' and it's by 'william shakespeare' (real name john cave). it was released in november 1974, but hit the number one spot in early 1975. it was written by harry vanda and george young (guitarists from easybeats) (i dont know why im telling you so much about this song). anyways, here are the beautiful lyrics :L

Spoken:
It was on a cold December afternoon
Doesn't seem like that long ago
I was sitting on my feet by my old fireplace
When in walked my little girl home from school
And I could see that something was wrong
By the tears that were rolling down her face

Sung:
And she said "Daddy, Daddy, at school today
Somebody told me a lie!"
And after hearing what she had heard
I told her not to cry - it hurt to see her cry

Because she's my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel when she smi-i-i-iles
Oh yes she's my, my little angel
And I don't ever want to see her cry-y

Spoken:
What she heard was that angels didn't really exist
That they were just a part of fables, fairytales, any ol' how
"Of course there are angels" I said
Everybody has an angel that takes care of them
In fact, I know there's a real live angel right now

Sung:
And she said "Daddy, Daddy, please tell me where
And tell me how do you know"
I said "easy, now if you listen close it's not too far too go,
and this is how i know

Because you're my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel when you smi-i-i-ile
Oh yes you're my, my little angel
My little angel, and I don't ever want to see you cry-y"

Now I miss her dearly, since she left that day
But I know she is near me every hour, every day
Because she's... because she's my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel, yes she's mi-i-i-ine

Ahh, she's so fine, my little angel, my little angel
And I know that she's with me all the time
With me all the time, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel

-----

I always cry when I hear that song, at the part where he tells her she's his angel, and the part where she leaves him.
Yeah, the lyrics DO actually mean something, and the song is REALLY good, except it apparently doesn't exist =S (I didn't know there were songs not on limewire...)

Imagine.

Now that I have your attention. (such extreme measures, i know)
I am blogging. Well done for noticing.
I am blogging because I should.
And I'm sure I actually have something to say...
And if I do, we shall discover it.
With pictures!

(Note to readers: Today I reached my 100th post of 2009! Which I totally forgot to celebrate. Shall this be the belated birthday?)(Thankyou Mango for bringing that to my attention)

Hello little sunshines.
And welcome to the world of Ebony's mind.
Thankyou for all being my sunshines.
I know that sounds very silly.
But I truly appreciate all of you and your little glows.
The beams of light that comes of all of you and make my world glow.
Many people ask me why I'm always so happy.
The secret is: you.
My sunshines.

I think I am perhaps a person of poor taste.
At least, that is what everyone tells me.
Although it's true. I can never see ugly.
I find that so weird.
But tell me, what is ugly?
How can something be ugly? (other than the colour pink)
What makes it ugly?
I don't really understand.
Why does one thing have more beauty than another? (unless we are speaking of tyson ritter, in which case it is acceptable)

That gives me hope.
And reminds me of my English story.
But it makes me smile.
And believe in something stronger than myself.

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have" - Alvi.
Well, you know what I want Alvi? I want you to catch the bus on the last wednesday of term so I can see you one last time before holidays. But that's not something I have, is it?
Getting back to the point of the picture. I like being able to see sparkles in everything (gosh, maybe i'll just be crazy for the whole post) (its such a luna lovegood mood)
go away reality. i dont like you very much. the people in my head are much nicer to me. =)

and maybe some things will never be okay. maybe there are some things that can never be forgiven. and somethings that will forever remain problematic. and maybe im not ready to forget everything just because youve decided that i should.

but i survived it. and that means more to me than your pathetic attemts to make me forget it. i am stronger now. i wont break so easily next time.

i know that i never let anyone take photos of me. and i know im tarnishing my memories. but i never ever forget anything, and i dont need photos to help me. my blog documents everything :L

from here...

i want to make more people smile

i want to make someone's day, everyday

i want to learn to love myself again

i want to learn to love everyone else

i want to be there for someone

i want someone to be there for me

and that will all happen.

because i get to choose.

i totally volunteer to do that.

you aggrivate me so much.

how can someone i care so much about do that?

'ungrateful' was the word i used

and i was right

you have so much... look at all your friends

but we're not just here to help you out

it would be nice if you returned the favour

and you know, if you could stop making us feel bad about ourselves...

that would be nice too...

that's just so true.

i like things in circles.

and things written in highlighters.

i.e. most/all of my 'Dream.' artworks :L

i should put them in circles...

today... my favourite song is... "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield =) I don't know what that says about me. Interpret at will.

Yesterday it was "Fallin' Apart" by AAR.

I remember the Friday night dinner at the grandparents. (how Gilmore girls). Every Friday night we would go over. A perfect meal would be prepared. We would all catch up. Everyone would laugh and smile, and, being wogs, we would eat (Note: this is how all wogs bond, over food). We would all sit at the huge dining room table, and this would be its only use... other than Christmas. My grandparents would smile as they watched their beautiful family. And then we would all play cards. Well, the adults. And when my aunty lost, as she would, so early, she would come and tell me and my sister a story. I still remember the stories, about the animals in the gardens. And then "i wanna go on an adventure".

I remember how my Dad would come back so happy, this was the only time he realy got to see his family. And I remember how much Mum hated those dinners. "It's such a hassle" she would say. "every Friday night, it's so inconvenient".

And eventually the dinners stopped. The Christmas celebrations moved to the children's houses. And the dining room table sits there. All alone in the room that is never used.

(This is very long and boring. I'm sorry if you read the whole thing)

(It makes me wanna write a story about a dining room table)

=)

No explanation necessary.

=) I told you all my secrets too...

Grow.

This is pretty much just random ranting :L

Some are good, smoe are bad

Some are about readers, some are about people none of you even know

I don't even know if you'll bother reading it all

BY THE WAY!! Can anyone tell me what the hell simultaneous equations are?? Are they equations on the same number plane or is Shiri stupid? And for goodness sake don't tell me how to solve them. just tell me what they are!!

I know that hug meant something different to you than what it meant to me. I also know that I somehow, magically, fit perfectly in your arms, as if we were designed for each other. And you only hugged me because you thought I needed it. Which I did. Yeah, I've said it before, I'll say it again, you're awesome.

***

I shouldn't be so happy after talking to you. I really shouldn't. But you brighten my every day. It's like, for 10 minutes afterwards, I can't do anything but smile. Which is strange, because I've never known anyone with that effect on me. I admitted that you were my favourite, I didn't say that I now count you amongst my best friends.

(N2S: stop doing this you silly)

***

Oh goodie, let's have an immature fight. I'm sure that's a great way to solve all our problems. Oh wells, at the end of the day I am happy and you are not.

***

SPEAKING OF! I'm happy. No, really, I'm happy. Can you believe it? How long has it been?? A bloody long time!! But I've done it, I'm happy again.

***

… I had the weirdest dream last night. I mean, I thought that part of my life was behind me (is anyone else getting déjà vu?), but I guess not. I think, maybe, because we can now have a conversation without me stammering my way through it, more to the point we can now have a conversation. That's new. But the feeling, that was old.

***

Now I can say it to your face. And you know what? I'm proud of that. I can finally face up to you, instead of letting myself be hurt by you, and changed by you. I liked myself how I was, thanks all the same, and now that you're gone, I can go back to being myself.

***

There comes a point in your life when you realise that… you're growing up. That instead of you and your sister fighting, suddenly it's your parents. That when it comes time to plan birthdays, and such, you take on a bigger role. When they do something, your parents ask for your advice. I guess, it's like, you've started looking after them, not the other way wround.

When mum got sick a few weeks back (did I neglect to mention that on my blog?), sudddenly, everything was about me and Nikki. We pretty much took care of our family. Dad would go to work, come home, and occassionally cook, but that was about it. Nikki and I would come home, make Mum a cup of tea, sit on the lounge and watch TV with her, constantly asking if she needed anything. On the day that she could only eat/drink clear things, I walked up to the shops to get her barley sugars. We would check her emails for her, put on movies for her, get her a blanket, or a glass of water, anything to stop her getting up... or at least we did try to.

I guess it was a really eye-opening experience, that now I have some sort of independence. I can do things for myself. I can do things for others as well. I'm not so much of a selfish bitch (Emphasises "so much").

***

It's really nice to be appreciated.

Thankyou for appreciating me.

(Why do I always sound retarded when I talk about you?)

***

I know you don't think that your smile has so much of an effect on me. And I know you think that when you said that stuff, I just brushed it off. But really, no one else Can ever… do that. Can make me smile so… happily. Haha, I don't make any sense, and you don't read this, why the hell am I bothering?? :L

***

Today, Sandie said that someone in her group said that they like talking to me when they're depressed because I make them feel better. That totally made my day

***

I really really want to put the lyrics to "I Can Wait Forever" here again.

But I shall resist.

She says I never listen and I'm not attentive to her emotions
I say she's got tunnel vision, only sees it her way,
so we never can work it out.
She's all ready to give up and move on, I don't think she knows,
how I wish sometimes she could read my mind.

CHORUS
If she knew how bad I wanna make this work,
how my love belongs to her,
she wouldn't be able to walk away.
If she knew how bad I gotta have her close,
if I ever let her go, I wouldn't make it a single day,
she would never have to ask again
if she knew how bad

I've got it
Gotta find a way to tell her how I feel before it is over
I guess I could have done things better
I never should have let things get this far
She's all ready to give up and move on,
I don't think she knows
How I wish sometimes she could read my mind

CHORUS

The thought of losing her because I did something wrong
I guess I should have been there whenever she needed someone
It's a feeling that I know would kill me, cause
she's my heart, my soul, my love
I would never give her up

CHORUS

If she knew how bad
how bad I really love her
how bad, how bad,
if she only knew how,
how bad I really love her
I just can't live without her
If she knew how bad,
if she knew how bad


look at his eyes
=O =O
!!!

Care.

It's not that unusual
When everything is beautiful.
It's just another ordinary miracle today.

The sky know when it's time to snow,
Don't need to teach a seed to grow.
It's just another ordinary miracle today.

Life is like a gift they say
Wraped up for you everyday;
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own.

Isn't it remarkable?
Like everytime a rain drop falls,
It's just another ordinary miracle today.

Birds in winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring.
It's just another ordinary miracle today.

When you wake up everyday
Please don't throw your dreams away;
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we're all a part
Of the ordinary miracle.
Ordinary miracle

Do you want to see a miracle?

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all.
It's just another ordinary miracle today.

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night.
It's just another ordinary miracle today.

It's just another ordinary miracle today.

-----

And In Other News:
Could my sister actually be getting an email address?
Is she coming out of social oblivion??
Maybe... she will get MSN!!
Or... wait for it... a blog!

Not that my sister is socially retarded. Because she isn't. Her phone never stops ringing. Her friends are willing to spend money on her. Mine, however, prefer the cyberworld. Which, I can't say I disagree with.
Anyways, she doesn't think a blog of hers would have any readers...
But if I link you guys, you'd read it, right?

-----

You are amazing.
No, you'll never believe me.
You'll never admit that I know what I'm talking about.
But I think you're awesome.
I'll never have the guts to say that to you in real life.
This is as close as I'll get.

(This is sort of directed to 3 people :L)

-----

I want to fly again.
Come fly with me?

If I tried, could I fly? - soulcages

And we'll fly over the treetops, and look down at the little people, thinking "oh how sad their lives must be" because we will have beautiful freedom

-----

Just for the FOUR people that, (to my comment of "im blogging") said "again?"

I am addicted to blogging.
Very addicted.
It makes me feel like I can say whatever I want.

But still, an addiction is an addiction,
I shall look for some sort of 12 step program.
Or blogaholics anonymous.

-----

:O I saw Luna today!

-----

I named my blog "Victor is cool" until further notice.
It's okay, his blog is "Ebony is cool"
Neither of us can think of a proper name
And clearly, I am cool, so it was a logical choice
For me, it was just blackmailing =)

(I'm kidding! You're cool!)

-----

You know what conversation I've had 6 times in the past 2 days?
(No really, its an interesting one)

Not to judge what you do not understand.
(Oh yes, you all know who you are, 4 of you are probably reading)
(at least you'd better be)

And, I managed to convince 3 of you (that's a good average)(i guess)
because none of you can feel empathy
none of you can know
what you haven't experienced
and you proceed to judge EVERYONE who it has happened to
you say "if it was me..."

well it WASN'T.
and maybe, half the time, it hasn't been me either.
but i DON'T JUDGE.

sure, i stick up for them
and thats taking sides.
sure, i tell you YOU'RE wrong, i judge YOU
but i just wish everyone could get along

if everyone understood each other, we'd never fight
that's what i think anyway
if you guys can just get over yourselves and listen to each other
just imagine...