Fairy

Holy SHIT!

(Trust me, that was appropriate)

Guess who just commented on my blog?

Oooh, I feel like doing a happy dance right about now.

Do you guys remember ages ago when I introduced you to the fabulouomundo blog called Clever Girl Goes Blog?

Well, anyways, she had this awesome blogpost, where she asked all her readers to comment, telling her a little bit about themselves, and linking her to their blog. I, being wishful, and a religious reader, commented.

And she commented on my last post!!!

Ok, sorry for freaking out (but this is so awesome!!), back to normal blogginess now.

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Confession #54: I thought I was happy, but I've been crying a lot lately...

"There are no limitations, other than those you put on yourself."

"Caterpillar waiting to be a butterfly" - coulda.been.a.comet

i like that you ramble when you're nervous.
i like that i know that you ramble when you're nervous,
and i like that i still make you nervous

Don't be surprised if I stumble over my words when I talk to you, it's only cause it's hard to talk with a big grin on my face & don't be surprised if I can't look you in the face when we talk, it's only cause sometimes it hurts to look at something so perfect.

And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too widce



I still get lost in your eyes
And, it seems,
I can't live a day without you

It is not so much our friends' help that helps us
as the confident knowledge that they will help us.

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give.
That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.

‘Maybe this is what I really wanted to do:
cook in a kitchen that smelled of buttermilk and spices
and wait for someone to come home to me from work.
I wouldn’t have to move to a new place
and live among strangers
or try to keep up with students ten times smarter than me.
The daydream felt safe and cozy,
but letting myself think about it made me feel ashamed.’

=)
I put some twilight quotes in the pictures especially for Tia =)

Karen is cool!

"Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticise others"

Confession #35: I can't spell criticise, or occassionally. =S

"Someone is always better than you" - soulcages



Today's post is inspired by Karen. She is my bloggy twin. She makes me smile. =) And she thinks I have sexy legs =D



I can't swallow a tablet or whistle. But my sister can't use a canopener, and my mum can't roll an R. And maybe you can't click, or swim, or ride a bike, but it doesn't really matter. There's more to life than being able to click, and it's time we appreciated the important things.
You know what? I give awesome hugs.
And my sister is an amazingly loyal friend.
And you guys are reading my blog!
And that's something all in itself.
Thank you =)



At first she didn't really know what she was getting herself into. She didn't mean to fall in love... not really. But then he started being all amazing and wonderful, and telling her she was special, and making her feel worthwhile. And... after a little while, she started believeing him, until eventually, she couldn't survive without hearing what he had to say. And at some point in time, it went beyond wanting to hear good things about herself, she just wanted to hear what he was going to say next. She just wanted him to know that he was beautiful too. She was just in love with him.



He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.




I'm actually quite terrified of the truth.
She told me the truth today.
She often does.
It makes me want to kill her.
Sometimes, the truth isn't very pretty.
And sometimes, what people think is the truth, is just half a story they will never bother to hear the ending to.
So she can tell me her stupid twisted idea of the truth.
But she is wrong.
They're all wrong.



I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.



I just wanted to personally thank you for ruining my life.
I can never look at myself the same.
I can never be proud of myself.
I'm not sure I can ever love myself.
I am scarred by the very thought of you.
I want to wake up and find out it was all a dream.



Sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't matter for anything.
I care so much about what other people think of me, that I've stopped caring what I think of myself. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I'd rather have everyone else in the world like who I am, than like myself.
And I think I do it all for her.
I've never been good enough.
I've never been right.
I've never lived up to her expectations.
And I want to make someone, anyone proud of me.
But I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.
Because at the end of the day, I don't even like myself.

Chocolate sort of day

Confession #26: I am ashamed of so many different parts of me. Sometimes, I wish I could just start new, and that the past wouldn't determine who I am now.

"The way to be successful is to follow the advice you give others"

"I expect too much. I'm disappointed" - ayanastar



Today is a chocolate sort of day.
I mean, it's dreary and rainy, and I'm home alone. Very alone.
It's one of those days that you don't even bother with any other food, you move straight to the chocolate. And eat. And eat. And eat.
And eventually, you can smile a little bit more, and forget about the weather, and the aloneness, and the looming exams. you forget who and where you are. You simply exist.
And sometimes it's easier to just be sad. It doesn't take any effort, or inspiration. It takes pure and utter laziness, and that is something I have in abundance.
Yes, it's a chocolate sort of day.

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Ok, so who else did really suckyish in the maths non-calc today?
More to the point who failed the January-May question because they forgot a month?
I forgot March, and Corinne forgot April.
But seriously, March is such a nothing sort of month. NOTHING HAPPENS IN MARCH! WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE IT?

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She would never say, where she came from
"Yesterday don't matter if it's gone"

Another today

Confession #18: You make me feel special.

"What you keep to yourself you lose. What you give away, you keep forever"

"Ask me now, the answer's yes" - Eralyn



Today I am attempting to study ag, before watching the footy, and then washing my dog, and then working. Tis a very busy day. Not unlike yesterday.

I feel so powerful. Today is my first post with my new attitude.

I don't really know what my new attitude is. I just know that I'm sick of being diappointed in myself. I'm sick of telling people things, and having them change their mind about me. More importantly, I'm scared what you think of me now. I'm still the girl I always was, I just grew up, that's all. I discovered what I wanted, and how to get it. I didn't change, I developed.

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Ok, wow, I just got bored and did an american IQ test, and all the measurements were in pounds and miles, and I still beat 90% of the population. Shame on America. :L

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Ok, well, the footy is now starting, and I must go and cheer for my country xD
Talk to you later sunshines =)
Wish you were here,

A New Beginning

Confession #42: We share that bad habit. ;)

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is. It's the way you cope with it that makes the difference"

I've decided to give my blog a makeover, it being boring, and me being bored and all.
However, the best time to do it is not when I have family friends coming over in 20 minutes, and food to prepare, and a present to wrap. Nevermind...

Anyways, so I've changed the colours, and the gadgets on the side, and will eventually even change my profile. And I've decided to change my mood.

See, I'm a thinker, and I've been thinking lately (as you do) and have decided that I (not unlike my father) have a poor attitude to life. An attitude that is reflected very muchso here.
So I'm chaning my attitude.

...maybe.

Anyways, must go sunshines
Wish you were here!

Failure

There are so many wonderful things about earning my own money. The best of which being the fact that when I have a bad day, I can walk up to Coles and buy a block (or two) or chocolate. And almost not feel guilty. I mean, I did walk there. And today, was a really bad day.

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“I just…”
Any second now he was going to complete a sentence. He knew I had to go, and he knew I wasn’t going till he got an entire sentence out. Any second… “You just?”
“I don’t like telling you when you upset me”
His words crushed me. Of all the things he could have possibly said. I had hurt him. Right after I promised myself I never would.
“What did I do?”
“The way, you were talking about… him, I just… didn’t know you were still in love with him”
I’d known when I spoke those words that they were going to hurt him. But he asked me to tell him, and I couldn’t just avoid it.
“I don’t love him anymore darling. I just, know that I used to”
I tried to let those words sink in; this was the most important thing I’d ever said to him.
“Yeah, but, I wanted to be the only one. Not the person you love now, or the one you end up with, I want to be the only one”

And he looked so sad. Sitting there. Telling me the truth. Which is something I didn’t do often enough. I rarely even told him when he hurt me. But he was so honest. And I’d honestly hurt him. The one person in my life who I hadn’t hurt in the past week, and suddenly, bam, I had.
I could feel it coming, I was about to breakdown, I had maybe 30 seconds left…
“I have to go now” I said
“Ok…”
“I love you” I meant it, I really meant it
“I love you too”
And as I walked away, I felt the tears begin to pour down my face.

---

...I think I just failed life.

Awesomeness.

I'm back from my trip to Orange.
If anyone cares.
Wait, what's that? You don't? I think I might tell you anyway so :P.
Anyways, it was pretty cool, they have nice coffee and i visited (the graves of) my great-great-great-grandparents (2 sets) and introduced myself. I'm sure they'd like me if they met me.
But being a cemetary it was kinda creepy being there and seeing all these lives that once were. And animals kept moving and making noises and it FREAKED THE CRAP OUTTA ME.
But yeah, I met relatives. Yippee.

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Oh, and by the way, you must go and check out this awesomelyful blog (it's about time I introduced you guys to a website). There was a really nice post a few days ago, so I'll link you to that. *searches*
To be inspired by awesomeness, please click on me.

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And now, I rant.
Please ignore the remainder of this blog.

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It's just gotten to the point where I get hurt everytime I talk to you.
I don't really get why.
I feel like we've hit a wall.
And in order to go through it. I have to get over myself.
And that's just gonna take a little time.

See, I still have this idea that everything in my life is supposed to turn out all sugarcoated and sunshiney. And that people aren't supposed to get hurt, because that's not the way it works. I think I have to get around that idea before I can be satisfied with anything in my life.

Until then, you can just hurt me.

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I want you to know that I cried myself to sleep everynight this weekend because of you.
Because you don't understand me and I'm starting to doubt if you ever will.
I don't mean half the things I say, you know.
I'm just so confused right now, and I thought that you could understand that.
But you don't.
You never do.
And I'm not going to explain it to you.
Yes, I'm embarrassed by myself.
Shit happens.

---

I'm sorry I've been a complete arsehole lately.
I've actually been an arsehole mainly to you, and I'm sorry about that.
I know you don't deserve it. No one does.
And I'm trying to figure out a way to make it up to you.
But I can't think of anything.
I'll try and work it out though.

more nina does, more amy does, more i do

hi, i’m: ebony
how do you pronounce your name? like in the song
what is your age backwards? 51
how do you feel today? reminiscent

friendship:
who are your best friend(s)? amy =)
what friend do you tell EVERYTHING to? probably corinne, since she asks
what friend makes the most perverted jokes? yes, amy =P
who do you talk to the most in person? corinne. since shes in most my classes.

back to school:
what grade are you goin into? 11?
which period are you doing the best at? ehh. nothing =(
which period are you doing the worse at? english
Which teacher do you fear the most? crancher.
are you changing to a new school this year? never.
is someone else changing schools? are you?
who was your second grade crush? i dont remember second grade. i don't think i had one...

childhood:
what did you want your job to be? uhm. vet/fireman
who is your favorite teacher out of all of them? Dolman =)
what was one reason you cried? Because some jerk kicked me in the head in a game of dead fish. That's not dead, mate!
what shows did you never want to miss? LITTLE BEAR!

favorites:
chocolate: Cadbury or Lindt? lindt =)
color: greeen
shoe brand: im not a brand person
website: blogger/iloveim
theme park: none of them dammit. i am NOT a theme park person!!!!
instrument: guitar. air guitar being the coolest.
song: Runaway
what grade do you miss the most?: kindy? i dunno
who’s the first friend that comes to your mind that you miss? aileen
what else do you miss? little bear. :L

lies:
ever signed up for those online dating sites? lol, psh, no
ever lied about your age? lol, of course! bus is cheaper is youre 14.
to impress someone? eh, probably not
to freeload? er, no
ever used someone? of course. so many of my friendships work on using people.

this or that:
crunchie or kitkatt: crunchie
myspace or facebook: none of the above
flowers or chocolate? Chocolate is yummier (don't eat flowers!), but flowers last longer. so... both please =)
watch the news or historical teachings? be ignorant.
hold hands or kiss? both =)
white chocolate or dark? white

random:
what color are your shoes? my toes are green?
what was the last theme park youve been to? err, white water world?
name one thing you remember from history class: Gough Whitlam... err, that's it? (im so screwed for history =()
what mood are you in right now? sort of sunshiney
who was the last person you IMed? anna
who was the last person added on your Facebook: i am too lame for facebook
who was the last person deleted on your Facebook: see above
who did you last hang out with? my family?

Best: -lets go alphabetically :D
1. Male Friend: victor. none other necessary
2. Female friend: amy jenny joannie judy lisa
3. Vacation: cairns
4. Memory: err, last weekend
Last:
1. Person you saw: mum =)
2. Talked to on the phone: victor
4. Messaged over MySpace: im too lame for myspace
5. IM’d: Victor

Today:
1. What are you doing right now: =) smiling
2. Wearing? pjs
3. Better than yesterday? well, tomorrow is closer, so yes
4. Did you see the person you like? no =(
5. What’s the weather? bloody cold in orange
6. What’s bothering you right now? exams
7.What is in your wallet? money =)
8. Wallpaper on your computer’s desktop? err, the little blue thingo =S
9. Next time you will kiss someone? tomorrow =) (except i mean it amy!! =P)
10. Where was your default picture taken? im not a picture sort of person
11. Life: sunshiney?
12. House: missed me.
13. Doing this weekend? work/study
14. Wearing? pjs
15. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? you. actually no, i dont want you. :L i want a phone battery that lasts for longer than day without charging
16. Listening to? little msn thingy going dododo everytime people talk :L
18. What do you smell like? im not sure. people keep walking into the room and telling me i smell nice
19. Eating? your mum =)
20. On your bed, what is your favorite thing? you?
21. Do you believe in a soulmate? hmm, i dont really know. i dont understand myself anymore.
22. What do you wear to bed? pjs?
23. Do you remember your dreams? not often
24. Do you burn easily in the sun? yes.
26. What’s something you wish you could understand better? english
27. What did you do last weekend? work/study. wow, look at that!
28. Who do you miss? hmm, victor.
29. Who is the last girl you hugged? my mum
30. Who is the last boy you hugged? my dad
31. Who was the last person you went somewhere with? my family to orange
33. Have you kissed anyone on your top friends? top friends on what?
34. Last time you ate a home grown tomato? im not a big tomato fan.
36. What was the last thing you drank? lemonade to drown out the taste of crappy medicine =S
39. Do you like someone right now? i like everyone :L
40. What do you wear more, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants? jeans
41. What is the last movie you watched? part of loveactually :L
42. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? cordial, juice, milk
43. What are you excited about? 11.5 hours
44. Do you want someone you can’t have? no
45. Who was last to slap your butt? karen
46. Where was the last place you went? orange?
47. What’s on your mind right now? showering? :L
48. Have you cried recently? put it this way, i just spent a weekend with my family.
49. If an unstoppable force comes across an immovable object, then what happens? the universe will end. unless the force/object is chuck norris, then that one will always win.

Away, away.

I guess, today has been one of those days.
Especially work.
Work sucked.
But I'm going to cheer myself up now, by pretending everything's ok.
Anyways, I have to go and eat dinner now.
So you can have some pretty pictures.
That I have maybe used before
But my computer's all jumbled since it's new.
And I don't know what I've used before.
But, yeah, they're good anyways.
So have fun.

Stealed quiz

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight?
well, possibly, as i has a large amount of money i need to kill before it expires.

Ever had a near death experience?
err, dont think so :S

Where's your cell phone?
MOBILE!! next to me

What is the last thing you thought about?
where my mobile phone is

Do you regret anything?
nope

If you found out you were pregnant who would you tell?
everyone

What are you going to do this weekend?
i shall be in orange. looking at... stuff.

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
yesterday

Do you prefer revenge or just pure jealousy/envy?
neither

Who would you like your next "fling" to be with?
im not a "fling" person

Would you curse in front of your parents?
i do all the time, but i shouldnt

What kind of camera do you have?
hand-me-down from nikki

Would you rather go to a party or out of town?
out of town

Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
yeah

When was the last time you held someone's hand?
probably yesterday.

Who can you tell everything to?
im not sure. i dont know if i can to anyone.

Can you play guitar hero?
not unless its with jenny and we both play at the same time :L

Is any part of your body sore?
uhh, nooo

Missing someone right now?
mhmm

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
no, he should be there

When was the last time you saw the person you last kissed?
my daddy, 40 minutes ago :L

Do you like your phone?
indeed i do

Last thing alcohol beverage?
errr, a while ago

Have you ever slept in a bed with the opposite sex?
i has slept in my daddys bed

Have any of your best friends ever back stabbed you?
yeah

If you had to move in with a friend, which one would you pick?
victor

What's the seventh text message in your inbox say?
"I sowwy" - Victor

When is your next road trip?
err, thursday?

What did you do on the weekend?
uhm, go to peoples houses

Met anyone new in the past week?
stephen at work?

What do your bestfriends call you?
"Ebony"

Who was the last person to go to the movies with you?
my familia

Are you currently fighting with someone?
no, but im mad at them

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
er, saturday?

Who'd you like to see right now?
everyone at school

Are you mad at someone right now?
yes

What's the nicest text in your inbox say?
"everyday. yes." - victor
or "goodluck in your exam today :) <3" amy
or "hey ebony, have fun tonight. shine like the star you ar. i hope you have fun. i love you. make 'em cry. love nikki" nikki.
or "im sorry bout yesterday (couldnt even till latr to say sorry on the train) were so silly lol i love you ebs!" - lizzie

Do you mainly use your house phone or your cell phone?
neither :L why use money when msn is free?!

Is there an empty place in your heart?
no, actually, well, i will never pretend to understand my heart

Do you count down the days till anything?
lol, not really (yes, guys, i gave up)

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
uhh, maybe camp. i dunno, for exams to be over i guess.

Have you ever been called a tease?
err, no

What are your chances of getting with your crush?
lol

What is the farthest you've traveled with a friend?
to the end of the world

Are any of your friends so close that you consider them family?
yeah

Anyone told you a secret this week?
yes, exchanging secrets at jennys <3

Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
nope. apparentyl youre supposed to. but i dont

Do you hate anyone?
i dont know, maybe boarders

Last time you wore the opposite sex's clothing?
uhh, tuesday.

What do you want in your life right now?
you! ahaha. i dunno :L

When was the last time you laughed so hard you thought you were going to cry?
telling the breadroll joke to anna

Did you tell someone something today?
no, but yesterday yes

Do you trust people easily?
i try to

What were you doing at 9pm Friday night?
i have no idea. :S

Carboard Love

Carboard Love in a Digital World

Updates

Charlie has a virus.
As in, more than one.
So he's going to get put down.
And Mr Computer Man is building me another computer.
That is like, absolutely amazingful.
And it's XP, because he says that's better than 7 (anything other than vista is fine by me)
Poor Charlie. He's always been such a good computer.
...Actually, he's always been a pain in the arse.
So this could be a change for the better!

And today, I am going shopping.
An agony all in itself.
But my sister told me we have to spend a day together this holidays, and we have to spend our money.
So Mac Square, here we come!
And mum gave me $50 to spend. Indeed. Wow.

Oh, and I tried on my sister's dress yesterday.
The one I'm wearing to the formal.
And, well, it's a bit shorter on me than it is on her =S
And I don't like anything above my knees.
But then, I can't be bothered to buy one.
And I don't wanna make mum make one like she did for Nikki.
So maybe I can do something with it...

Okaay, well I should go now.
I'm just blogging because I'm bored and no one's online.
But it's ok, no one reads my blog anyway :L

Wish you were here,

The Bedroom Door

I guess when they tell you that you've made your bed and now you have to lay in it, they never mentioned that you don't get any second chances. They don't tell you that you're stuck with that bed for life, and every single crease, every single mistake, and every single choice you make about how many pillows, and which stuffed toys you want, you have those choices for life. Everyday you can fix some creases in the bed, but whilst doing that, you crease more of it. And it's never going to sit quite right, and you're never going to want to sleep in it.

And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.

And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.

But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.

Holidays officially start... sorta

My computer has a bazillion viruses, so I'm using mum's. it's annoying. her keyboard is sucky.

but it's labour day!
and i don't know what that means!
other than i get $20 an hour at work!

Ok.
I am now about, ish, halfway through my studying.

Maths I'm 19/22 done
English I'm about 2/3
Science is 4/7
Ag is FINISHED
Drama is 1/3 (I left my book in my locker =S)
Geo 7/8
History 1/3
And I only just started Health

(And I'm trying very hard not to think about IPT. Ever.)

So, yeah, I have to go now and earn lots of money with my obvious charm and dashing personality.

Happy studying sunshines