weak weak weak
that's what i am
that's all i am
weak
weak in every possible sense of the word
physically, mentally, emotionally weak
and not a damn thing i can do about it
---
and when people ask 'how are you?'
uusually you give an answer like "good" or "bad" or "ok"
if you have an inside joke, you might say something like "the mediocre kind of pretty good" or "i feel like crap on toast" or soemthinglike that
and then there's those people that say things like "hopeful" or "small"
and they dont even know why
---
you know, it took me until today to notice this, but
i've never been loved before
which you probably don't care about
but i do
because someone loves me now
and it's a weird but amazingly beautiful feeling
being loved.
---
but, you know what
i'd give up this feeling
and have you not love me
if you could just love yourself
---
13 articles done. 2 more to go.
and hopefully hopefully hopefully i'll be at school to give it in.
as fun as being bored out of my brain at home is....
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
12
one - my head feels like it's about to implode.
TWO - I AM IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN RIGHT NOW AND I STRONGLY USGGEST NOT GETTING ON MY BAD SIDE
three - i apologise in advance for having a very large bad side
four - damn i'm shitty when i'm sick
I am now 12 articles into my 15-20 article scrapbook. And as I am extremely sick, I feel as if I deserve a break. And break I shall
---
I also discovered my science notes from last year, so I'm going to type them up so I can read them, But they're only for the first 4 topics. But that's ok, because I have my actual science book from the second half of last year, and that is even better.
So yeah, if you guys want yr 9 science notes, I'll email them to you when I'm done. (I will expect payment for this, hugs/secrets/dances will do).
---
hum, reading over yesterday's blog makes me smile.
it makes me feel 12 again.
and i like feeling small and 12.
"It's big, real big"
"That's what she said"
"Sookie!"
"What, I can't be 12?"
...
"It is really big"
"That's what she said"
"Lorelai!"
"What, you can be 12 and I can't?"
TWO - I AM IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN RIGHT NOW AND I STRONGLY USGGEST NOT GETTING ON MY BAD SIDE
three - i apologise in advance for having a very large bad side
four - damn i'm shitty when i'm sick
I am now 12 articles into my 15-20 article scrapbook. And as I am extremely sick, I feel as if I deserve a break. And break I shall
---
I also discovered my science notes from last year, so I'm going to type them up so I can read them, But they're only for the first 4 topics. But that's ok, because I have my actual science book from the second half of last year, and that is even better.
So yeah, if you guys want yr 9 science notes, I'll email them to you when I'm done. (I will expect payment for this, hugs/secrets/dances will do).
---
hum, reading over yesterday's blog makes me smile.
it makes me feel 12 again.
and i like feeling small and 12.
"It's big, real big"
"That's what she said"
"Sookie!"
"What, I can't be 12?"
...
"It is really big"
"That's what she said"
"Lorelai!"
"What, you can be 12 and I can't?"
Monday, 28 September 2009
Victor told me a title wasn't necessary, he just wanted to read
one - i'm getting sick, and it sucks
TWO - I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE TODAY ABOUT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. I REALLY HOPE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.
three - i love feeling comfortable with you. i don't know how you do it. i feel like i'm at home. finally.
four - i'm not real sure what i did to annoy you. i'm sorry for always being such a bitch, though.
so...
health assignment...
mm, hasn't really happened yet
and it's not looking like it will tonight.
the other day i was looking over what i wrote about the essence of me... back in the day. I realised how much of myself has changed, just in the last 6 months. I'm happy now. I cry less, and there's always someone that notices. I don't dread turning out like mum anymore. And my fake smile ain't all that pretty. I found my real smile again. I'm getting slacker with memoirs. I think I'm perhaps a little less crazy, mainly because skipping/spinning make me dizzy.
Oooh, oooh, and speaking of dizzy, I'm FINALLY going to the doctors on Thursday!! yay!! it only took 12 weeks!
Actually, I've gotten a lot closer to my family in the last 6 months, we actually feel like a family again, and that's been a while. The only people I've really drifted from are my group. And, although I feel extremely guilty about that, I know that something's gotta give. Everything won't always be perfect, and I have to deal with things being less than perfect.
I feel like writing.
Hmm, I'll write the part of my story that I wrote ages ago.
(Seriously, I was going through these drawers the other day, and I found this, and I'm like, damn, that's insightful) (Okay, so I may or may not have only found a paragraph, and just extended on that now because I feel like writing)
---
"I can't do this anymore Luke" I said, I don't know what I wanted him to say, really, I just looked into his eyes, until he had to say something, I know he had something to say.
"Can't do what, Elle?" He gave me the same look.
"I can't keep pretending to be okay with everything that's happening to you, when I'm not! I know you have problems, okay, I get that, but you can't keep bottling them up, you have to let me in sometime. Not anyone else, you don't need to tell anyone else, but you need to let me in."
"I can't Elle, I can't let you deal with all this, I can't let it hurt you."
"That hurts more Luke, I feel like you can't trust me."
"I can, darling, I just can't hurt you."
"You already are" I tried to look disappointed, but I felt upset, so maybe my expresion came off as confused, or something else, but I was aiming for diappointed. But I was still trying to make a point, so I turned around and walked away.
"Elle! Elle, wait!"
But there was nothing to wait for really, nothing worth waiting for. I'd heard all the excuses a thousand times before, the 'i can't hurt you' and 'i care too much' and 'you won't understand', and I was over it. Completely over it. And there was nothing to wait for.
"Elle, I love you."
And I stopped. Becuase I didn't want him to think that those words had no effect on me, because they did. But I didn't turn around, because he wasn't forgiven. He just had a second chance. And I felt his arms around my waist, and his mouth against the tip of my ear, and I knew he was using his second chance wisely.
"I want to tell you" he whispered "it's just hard."
And that I could understand, I know what it's like to tell people things you never have before. I know how much trust is involved. And I knew that his problems went beyond 'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar', but admitting them was surely still difficult.
But he was trying, and I think that's what won it for me. He was trying to tell me. And even if he couldn't, that would still be ok, because he was trying, and that meant he was forgiven.
So I turned around in his arms, hugged him, and whispered "I love you too... and take your time"
And take his time he did.
But he told me.
---
And there he was; Hayden Parker.
He was the new kid on the block, the one everyone was dying to meet. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, loveable nerd. He was beautiful, he was kind, he was funny, and he was clever. He was the kind of guy to talk business with your dad, and make your mum fall for him too. The guy that made every one of your friends jealous, yet made them want to spend more time with you just for knowing him. He had an answer to every question, he always did his homework, and all the teachers loved him. He was Hayden Parker. And he was standing right in front of me.
"H-hello, I'm Elle, you must be new" That was my approach, to act kind, but as if he wasn't anyone special, and that I was nice to all the new kids.
He extended his arm "Hayden Parker" We shook hands "I just got here yesterday"
"Cool, how are you liking ____{insertschoolnamehere}____?"
"It's a good school" he said, looking around. His hair falling effortlessly as he moved his head "The people aren't bad either" and he winked at me.
"So they tell us" I giggled. That line had sounded much better in my head.
"Right... well, I've gotta go to class, I'll see you later Elle"
"Yeah, bye"
And he walked away. And I watched.
---
Lol, that was more fun to write than it should have been.
Okay, well, I've sufficiently written.
Live long and prosper.
TWO - I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE TODAY ABOUT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. I REALLY HOPE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.
three - i love feeling comfortable with you. i don't know how you do it. i feel like i'm at home. finally.
four - i'm not real sure what i did to annoy you. i'm sorry for always being such a bitch, though.
so...
health assignment...
mm, hasn't really happened yet
and it's not looking like it will tonight.
the other day i was looking over what i wrote about the essence of me... back in the day. I realised how much of myself has changed, just in the last 6 months. I'm happy now. I cry less, and there's always someone that notices. I don't dread turning out like mum anymore. And my fake smile ain't all that pretty. I found my real smile again. I'm getting slacker with memoirs. I think I'm perhaps a little less crazy, mainly because skipping/spinning make me dizzy.
Oooh, oooh, and speaking of dizzy, I'm FINALLY going to the doctors on Thursday!! yay!! it only took 12 weeks!
Actually, I've gotten a lot closer to my family in the last 6 months, we actually feel like a family again, and that's been a while. The only people I've really drifted from are my group. And, although I feel extremely guilty about that, I know that something's gotta give. Everything won't always be perfect, and I have to deal with things being less than perfect.
I feel like writing.
Hmm, I'll write the part of my story that I wrote ages ago.
(Seriously, I was going through these drawers the other day, and I found this, and I'm like, damn, that's insightful) (Okay, so I may or may not have only found a paragraph, and just extended on that now because I feel like writing)
---
"I can't do this anymore Luke" I said, I don't know what I wanted him to say, really, I just looked into his eyes, until he had to say something, I know he had something to say.
"Can't do what, Elle?" He gave me the same look.
"I can't keep pretending to be okay with everything that's happening to you, when I'm not! I know you have problems, okay, I get that, but you can't keep bottling them up, you have to let me in sometime. Not anyone else, you don't need to tell anyone else, but you need to let me in."
"I can't Elle, I can't let you deal with all this, I can't let it hurt you."
"That hurts more Luke, I feel like you can't trust me."
"I can, darling, I just can't hurt you."
"You already are" I tried to look disappointed, but I felt upset, so maybe my expresion came off as confused, or something else, but I was aiming for diappointed. But I was still trying to make a point, so I turned around and walked away.
"Elle! Elle, wait!"
But there was nothing to wait for really, nothing worth waiting for. I'd heard all the excuses a thousand times before, the 'i can't hurt you' and 'i care too much' and 'you won't understand', and I was over it. Completely over it. And there was nothing to wait for.
"Elle, I love you."
And I stopped. Becuase I didn't want him to think that those words had no effect on me, because they did. But I didn't turn around, because he wasn't forgiven. He just had a second chance. And I felt his arms around my waist, and his mouth against the tip of my ear, and I knew he was using his second chance wisely.
"I want to tell you" he whispered "it's just hard."
And that I could understand, I know what it's like to tell people things you never have before. I know how much trust is involved. And I knew that his problems went beyond 'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar', but admitting them was surely still difficult.
But he was trying, and I think that's what won it for me. He was trying to tell me. And even if he couldn't, that would still be ok, because he was trying, and that meant he was forgiven.
So I turned around in his arms, hugged him, and whispered "I love you too... and take your time"
And take his time he did.
But he told me.
---
And there he was; Hayden Parker.
He was the new kid on the block, the one everyone was dying to meet. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, loveable nerd. He was beautiful, he was kind, he was funny, and he was clever. He was the kind of guy to talk business with your dad, and make your mum fall for him too. The guy that made every one of your friends jealous, yet made them want to spend more time with you just for knowing him. He had an answer to every question, he always did his homework, and all the teachers loved him. He was Hayden Parker. And he was standing right in front of me.
"H-hello, I'm Elle, you must be new" That was my approach, to act kind, but as if he wasn't anyone special, and that I was nice to all the new kids.
He extended his arm "Hayden Parker" We shook hands "I just got here yesterday"
"Cool, how are you liking ____{insertschoolnamehere}____?"
"It's a good school" he said, looking around. His hair falling effortlessly as he moved his head "The people aren't bad either" and he winked at me.
"So they tell us" I giggled. That line had sounded much better in my head.
"Right... well, I've gotta go to class, I'll see you later Elle"
"Yeah, bye"
And he walked away. And I watched.
---
Lol, that was more fun to write than it should have been.
Okay, well, I've sufficiently written.
Live long and prosper.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Worky bleedy bloggy singy
one - i like feeling stupid with you, you always turn it around
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR NOT MAKING IT OBVIOUS WHO THESE ARE ABOUT
three - i really really hate weekends, i need you. so much
four - your sim asked me to marry you ...maybe you do have the guts
ok, so that assignment i was meant to work on yesterday... didn't really happen
i mean, yeah, i meant to and all
and then, it just didnt happen
and sure, i feel i smidge guilty (ok, not really)
but maybe, i have a life! (/job)
and don't have time right now to do it.
because im living! (/sleeping)
ok, yeah, i feel mega guilty
sorry future ebony for not making your workload any lighter
i trod on a stick today.
the other end flipped over and cut my foot
now my foot is bleedy
but its antibacterialised
and bandaided
and its getting better
that was such a fun story wasn't it
hmm, i like blogging again, this is so weird
i mean, after blogging about twice all month
ive blogged about 10 times in a week
and its not like i have anything to say
then again, its not like i ever have
Because she's so ooohh ohhh ohh
Rock 'n' roll!
And out of my league
Is she out my league?
Let's hope not
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR NOT MAKING IT OBVIOUS WHO THESE ARE ABOUT
three - i really really hate weekends, i need you. so much
four - your sim asked me to marry you ...maybe you do have the guts
ok, so that assignment i was meant to work on yesterday... didn't really happen
i mean, yeah, i meant to and all
and then, it just didnt happen
and sure, i feel i smidge guilty (ok, not really)
but maybe, i have a life! (/job)
and don't have time right now to do it.
because im living! (/sleeping)
ok, yeah, i feel mega guilty
sorry future ebony for not making your workload any lighter
i trod on a stick today.
the other end flipped over and cut my foot
now my foot is bleedy
but its antibacterialised
and bandaided
and its getting better
that was such a fun story wasn't it
hmm, i like blogging again, this is so weird
i mean, after blogging about twice all month
ive blogged about 10 times in a week
and its not like i have anything to say
then again, its not like i ever have
Because she's so ooohh ohhh ohh
Rock 'n' roll!
And out of my league
Is she out my league?
Let's hope not
Sorry
And I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
And I'm pretty sure I don't deserve for you to believe me when I say that, or else I'd be an awful hypocrite. And I don't know how to prove it to you either. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not believing you.
I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel.
I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry for making you feel like you upset me.
I'm sorry for confusing you.
I'm sorry for not sharing my problems.
I'm sorry for complaining about things that don't even matter.
I'm sorry for never explaining myself.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I just... really miss you.
I'm sorry.
And I'm pretty sure I don't deserve for you to believe me when I say that, or else I'd be an awful hypocrite. And I don't know how to prove it to you either. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not believing you.
I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel.
I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry for making you feel like you upset me.
I'm sorry for confusing you.
I'm sorry for not sharing my problems.
I'm sorry for complaining about things that don't even matter.
I'm sorry for never explaining myself.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I just... really miss you.
I'm sorry.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
You could say
one - i feel... small. that's how you make me feel. small. it's sort of a nice small, but, i don't really like feeling small.
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR OVERREACTING. I GUESS, I DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
three - i swear, i'm trying. and i'm really sorry that i keep changing my mind and messing with your head, but i don't know how i feel.
four - i don't really know what happened with us. it feels like you don't like spending time with me anymore. i don't... understand.
Mum cut my hair today and now I look like Alice Cullen.
My computer just lost my sims (seriously, they walked out of the block, and never came back), and I've lost an hour of playing with them. =(
There were about 4 chemicals on my hair today and I think it addled with my brain.
After eating healthy for about 3 days, I sat down next to oreos, squiggle biscuits and zappos, and now feel like a fat lump again.
My health assignment was going well, so I took a break. That was 7 hours ago.
I guess you could say it has been one of those days...
Anyways, I've got to go make myself a pizza now, and maybe get around to that assignment...
Wish you were here,
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR OVERREACTING. I GUESS, I DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
three - i swear, i'm trying. and i'm really sorry that i keep changing my mind and messing with your head, but i don't know how i feel.
four - i don't really know what happened with us. it feels like you don't like spending time with me anymore. i don't... understand.
Mum cut my hair today and now I look like Alice Cullen.
My computer just lost my sims (seriously, they walked out of the block, and never came back), and I've lost an hour of playing with them. =(
There were about 4 chemicals on my hair today and I think it addled with my brain.
After eating healthy for about 3 days, I sat down next to oreos, squiggle biscuits and zappos, and now feel like a fat lump again.
My health assignment was going well, so I took a break. That was 7 hours ago.
I guess you could say it has been one of those days...
Anyways, I've got to go make myself a pizza now, and maybe get around to that assignment...
Wish you were here,
semipermanent
I'm a little bit insecure
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out
Workin it out you're so damn hard
When you learn
I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why im
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you
---
You know how when you're at school, and your teacher moves you for talking, and she says "that will be your seat from now on", you have this feeling, that everything is...permanent. The seat you're in, you're always going to sit in. That's how I feel when I sit next to you.
---
I've been waiting my whole life
For a someone like you
To go and pick me up and take away my blues
Its been one hell of a year
In my own shoes
But I've got some questions for you
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven
Did it hurt just to know I was right here waitin
Do you know, do you know
It was love from the first time we touched
---
I don't blog for my readers that much. I blog for myself. So I tlak in code a lot, or use the word "you". Sure, I'm an annoying bitch, but if people care they ask, and if they don't, they don't have to.
---
I'm in trouble
I'm an addict
I'm addicted to this girl
She's got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
She's all I want and more
I mean damn
What's not to adore?
I've been playing too much guitar
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out
Workin it out you're so damn hard
When you learn
I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why im
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you
---
You know how when you're at school, and your teacher moves you for talking, and she says "that will be your seat from now on", you have this feeling, that everything is...permanent. The seat you're in, you're always going to sit in. That's how I feel when I sit next to you.
---
I've been waiting my whole life
For a someone like you
To go and pick me up and take away my blues
Its been one hell of a year
In my own shoes
But I've got some questions for you
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven
Did it hurt just to know I was right here waitin
Do you know, do you know
It was love from the first time we touched
---
I don't blog for my readers that much. I blog for myself. So I tlak in code a lot, or use the word "you". Sure, I'm an annoying bitch, but if people care they ask, and if they don't, they don't have to.
---
I'm in trouble
I'm an addict
I'm addicted to this girl
She's got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
She's all I want and more
I mean damn
What's not to adore?
I've been playing too much guitar
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
Thursday, 24 September 2009
3 years ago today
The Date: The 24th of September The Year: 2006
It was a day much like today...
It was 5 am, and no one in the house was stirring. It was a deathly silence. And then the phone rang. A few woke, but none answered, it went to the machine "Henry, it's Lucy, can you call me back please, it's important". And the rest of the family returned to their slumber...
7am, and one-by-one, the family slowly woke from their peaceful sleep, to a cold house. "Where's Dad?" asked the youngest. "He had to go to the hosital to visit Lita" replied the mother.
And then the phone rang. "Ebony, Ebony, can I speak to your mum?" She knew something was wrong. She carried the phone to her mother. She started to cry...
There'd been a lot of that going on lately, crying. Maybe that's just what happens when a family member was in hospital. But this was different, Lita was getting better, she was coming out of hospital tomorrow...
"Girls, come here"
and she enveloped her children in a hug.
"What is it Mum, what's wrong?"
She started to cry
"Your grandmother's dead"
---
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
It was a day much like today...
It was 5 am, and no one in the house was stirring. It was a deathly silence. And then the phone rang. A few woke, but none answered, it went to the machine "Henry, it's Lucy, can you call me back please, it's important". And the rest of the family returned to their slumber...
7am, and one-by-one, the family slowly woke from their peaceful sleep, to a cold house. "Where's Dad?" asked the youngest. "He had to go to the hosital to visit Lita" replied the mother.
And then the phone rang. "Ebony, Ebony, can I speak to your mum?" She knew something was wrong. She carried the phone to her mother. She started to cry...
There'd been a lot of that going on lately, crying. Maybe that's just what happens when a family member was in hospital. But this was different, Lita was getting better, she was coming out of hospital tomorrow...
"Girls, come here"
and she enveloped her children in a hug.
"What is it Mum, what's wrong?"
She started to cry
"Your grandmother's dead"
---
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Just another mood swing
Work asked me to work today (as they do), which is very disappointing, as I won't be able to blog tonight (and I was doing so well too).
I think I need to have another rant though, so, well, we'll see how we have time for.
---
But you weren't supposed to say that, you were supposed to care, at least a little. You weren't meant to make me seem tiny and insignificant, you were meant to act like I was the only one in the universe worth worrying about.
But after all that, I still feel guilty, like I'm the one that did something wrong. I'm sure I didn't, I'm sure I acted exactly the way I was supposed to, but I still feel guilty. Maybe it is my faut afterall...
---
Maybe if I just get over myself a little, I'll actually be able to have a conversation with at least someone in my life without overreacting and getting mad at them. And I hate that I always do that, I hate that I distance myself from people, I wish I didn't.
But of course I'm just a stupid little girl, with stupid little problems, and I have to take them out on everyone else because it hurts too much to deal with it all myself.
---
And I'm so bloody tired.
I'm tired of staying awake until the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up at 7.
I'm tired of always being dizzy and falling over, even when I'm sitting down.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night just because I've had another bloody moodswing. I'm tired of always having to keep an eye on the time, and not be able to actually spend quality time with anyone.
I'm getting a little tired of life, actually.
And as beautiful and wonderful and amazing and fabulous as my day off life was, it was only a day, and I still have to deal with life.
---
Ok, that's all folks.
I think I need to have another rant though, so, well, we'll see how we have time for.
---
But you weren't supposed to say that, you were supposed to care, at least a little. You weren't meant to make me seem tiny and insignificant, you were meant to act like I was the only one in the universe worth worrying about.
But after all that, I still feel guilty, like I'm the one that did something wrong. I'm sure I didn't, I'm sure I acted exactly the way I was supposed to, but I still feel guilty. Maybe it is my faut afterall...
---
Maybe if I just get over myself a little, I'll actually be able to have a conversation with at least someone in my life without overreacting and getting mad at them. And I hate that I always do that, I hate that I distance myself from people, I wish I didn't.
But of course I'm just a stupid little girl, with stupid little problems, and I have to take them out on everyone else because it hurts too much to deal with it all myself.
---
And I'm so bloody tired.
I'm tired of staying awake until the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up at 7.
I'm tired of always being dizzy and falling over, even when I'm sitting down.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night just because I've had another bloody moodswing. I'm tired of always having to keep an eye on the time, and not be able to actually spend quality time with anyone.
I'm getting a little tired of life, actually.
And as beautiful and wonderful and amazing and fabulous as my day off life was, it was only a day, and I still have to deal with life.
---
Ok, that's all folks.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Tears and Laughter
sometimes i tell you i miss you, but it means so much more than that. what i mean is that i can't deal without you, and i'm falling apart. and i need you right here beside me because i don't know how much longer i can last without someone to fall into, and to hug, and love, and i'm working myself up about nothing, and you're the only one who can make me chill out, and all it takes are your simple words and sometimes you say 'calm down' and sometimes you say 'take it easy' and by now i've learnt the difference, and i've learnt to trust your simple words, and if i could only have you right here beside me then everything would be just dandy, but i have my own silly little life, and you have your life, and i'm here, and you're there, and that just isn't working out for me...
---
and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.
---
and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.
but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.
---
but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.
---
and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.
---
and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.
but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.
---
but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.
Getting back into the swing
And I still cringe everytime a teacher walks past and asks me if I'm feeling better.
Im not sure why I cringe
Could it be because I know that they have their talks about what is wrong with me?
Or because it reminds me of just what is wrong with me?
Maybe because I realise that I'm not actually feeling any better at all?
Or could it be because every second teacher has figured out that I was upset, and yet not one student in my entire school has asked if I'm okay.
It really could be any of those, I just know that I cringe.
---
It's one of those moments that you feel the atmosphere building up to.
As if your whole life rests on this instant.
And maybe that's what makes you so terrified.
A single slip and your life is gone.
A wrong move, and you'll never be able to live with yourself.
But either way, you'll be disappointed in yourself.
In fact, you've manipulated this situation so well,
that there is no solution that you can be okay with.
And you follow a part of yourself that you're ashamed of,
But you won't follow it to the end.
How can you?
---
There's a few good things about keeping secrets actually.
1. You have an inside joke, or expression with the only person you dare to tell. The person you trust the most. And you can laugh about it with them.
2. There's something you can use as a bargaining chip if you have information you want on someone else. Yes, I am that manipulative.
3. There's a part of yourself you can hide from the world, the part you think about when you're trying to fall asleep at night. You don't have to share it.
But you know, you're always going to feel how you do, and no matter how many lists you write about such things, secrets will never be okay.
---
There's a light at the end of this tunnel, you shout
Cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And those mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only tried turning around
---
I was about to post this before I realised that it doesn't in any way reflect my mood.
(Which may or may not have changed dramatically since someone came online)
I am actually quite happy (no matter how confused) at the moment.
So let's make this happy :L
My name is Ebony, and I'm addicted to you (just because you're reading my blog). I enjoy the good life of olives, pez and grape zappos (you wish you had a C3PO pez dispenser like me) (bloody watch star wars you undereducated children!).
Anyways, I'm going to write a list of things that make me happy (inspired by smithteens):
Zappos
Pez
Olives
C3PO
Lollipops
You (not actually you in particular. well, he knows i mean him)
Rainbows
Babies
Smiles
Children (not like that)
The Sims
Money
My people
My family
And... yeah.
What makes you happy?
Im not sure why I cringe
Could it be because I know that they have their talks about what is wrong with me?
Or because it reminds me of just what is wrong with me?
Maybe because I realise that I'm not actually feeling any better at all?
Or could it be because every second teacher has figured out that I was upset, and yet not one student in my entire school has asked if I'm okay.
It really could be any of those, I just know that I cringe.
---
It's one of those moments that you feel the atmosphere building up to.
As if your whole life rests on this instant.
And maybe that's what makes you so terrified.
A single slip and your life is gone.
A wrong move, and you'll never be able to live with yourself.
But either way, you'll be disappointed in yourself.
In fact, you've manipulated this situation so well,
that there is no solution that you can be okay with.
And you follow a part of yourself that you're ashamed of,
But you won't follow it to the end.
How can you?
---
There's a few good things about keeping secrets actually.
1. You have an inside joke, or expression with the only person you dare to tell. The person you trust the most. And you can laugh about it with them.
2. There's something you can use as a bargaining chip if you have information you want on someone else. Yes, I am that manipulative.
3. There's a part of yourself you can hide from the world, the part you think about when you're trying to fall asleep at night. You don't have to share it.
But you know, you're always going to feel how you do, and no matter how many lists you write about such things, secrets will never be okay.
---
There's a light at the end of this tunnel, you shout
Cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And those mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only tried turning around
---
I was about to post this before I realised that it doesn't in any way reflect my mood.
(Which may or may not have changed dramatically since someone came online)
I am actually quite happy (no matter how confused) at the moment.
So let's make this happy :L
My name is Ebony, and I'm addicted to you (just because you're reading my blog). I enjoy the good life of olives, pez and grape zappos (you wish you had a C3PO pez dispenser like me) (bloody watch star wars you undereducated children!).
Anyways, I'm going to write a list of things that make me happy (inspired by smithteens):
Zappos
Pez
Olives
C3PO
Lollipops
You (not actually you in particular. well, he knows i mean him)
Rainbows
Babies
Smiles
Children (not like that)
The Sims
Money
My people
My family
And... yeah.
What makes you happy?
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Happy Beginnings (post 300)
"I want to make you fall in love with me everyday"
I fell in love with you again today. A fair few times, actually.
You know those days you have that are so happy, they sort of make you sad. Because you know that no matter what you do, nothing will ever be the same again. And nothing else can ever be this good. Yeah, today was one of those days. I feel sorta sad now.
Sad in a sentimental way. It's a nice sad.
And we really do make for a perfect lifestyle.
Fall in love with me again?
I fell in love with you again today. A fair few times, actually.
You know those days you have that are so happy, they sort of make you sad. Because you know that no matter what you do, nothing will ever be the same again. And nothing else can ever be this good. Yeah, today was one of those days. I feel sorta sad now.
Sad in a sentimental way. It's a nice sad.
And we really do make for a perfect lifestyle.
Fall in love with me again?
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Ebony's week.
Ready for a very quick update on my life?
Ok, well, school. Got another assignment, but also handed one in, win some lose some I guess? And English is due this Friday, which I hadn't started until a few days ago, but after this morning's assignmenting (all 2 hours of it), I think I'm nearly done (oh the things we can accomplish before our parents wake up). I also have a stack of homework that won't get done in the not too distant future, and my English book still hasn't been read, because, well, I was meant to do it after work yesterday but then I got distracted.
Two days ago I went through and read every single blog I had missed over the past 2 weeks, (yay for ebony!) but I haven't read blogs since then, so I'm still behind :L.
I have however, finally caught up with memoirs (we wont mention how many thousand I had missed), including the forum.
Work is gradually improving as I figure out what I'm doing, and I've only majorly stuffed up a few times :L. But yesterday after work I met this awesome guy (I think he said his name was Will) who is in 4th year uni doing an advanced science degree, specialising in chem/bio, and he's making antidepressants. as in, making them. which is very cool, and managed to suitably distract me from Runner (sorry Hancock).
My uncle's birthday was about a month ago, and I'm going over to my aunty's today for lunch, which means I'll also see my grandpa. Who is getting worse =S But, yeah, he's better than he was a few weeks ago, so, that's good, I guess.
Last but by no means least, I got my smithteens book in the mail on Wednesday! I'm on page 89! And I have postit noted, like, everyone I know in there. Yellow postits for people I talk to, blue postits for people I know. And and IT IS SO COOL. And Jordan doesn't believe it's actually me in the book :L
Ok, have a good week, I will update you next weekend :L
And keep smiling!
Ok, well, school. Got another assignment, but also handed one in, win some lose some I guess? And English is due this Friday, which I hadn't started until a few days ago, but after this morning's assignmenting (all 2 hours of it), I think I'm nearly done (oh the things we can accomplish before our parents wake up). I also have a stack of homework that won't get done in the not too distant future, and my English book still hasn't been read, because, well, I was meant to do it after work yesterday but then I got distracted.
Two days ago I went through and read every single blog I had missed over the past 2 weeks, (yay for ebony!) but I haven't read blogs since then, so I'm still behind :L.
I have however, finally caught up with memoirs (we wont mention how many thousand I had missed), including the forum.
Work is gradually improving as I figure out what I'm doing, and I've only majorly stuffed up a few times :L. But yesterday after work I met this awesome guy (I think he said his name was Will) who is in 4th year uni doing an advanced science degree, specialising in chem/bio, and he's making antidepressants. as in, making them. which is very cool, and managed to suitably distract me from Runner (sorry Hancock).
My uncle's birthday was about a month ago, and I'm going over to my aunty's today for lunch, which means I'll also see my grandpa. Who is getting worse =S But, yeah, he's better than he was a few weeks ago, so, that's good, I guess.
Last but by no means least, I got my smithteens book in the mail on Wednesday! I'm on page 89! And I have postit noted, like, everyone I know in there. Yellow postits for people I talk to, blue postits for people I know. And and IT IS SO COOL. And Jordan doesn't believe it's actually me in the book :L
Ok, have a good week, I will update you next weekend :L
And keep smiling!
Monday, 7 September 2009
Finally blogging
I'm really sorry for not blogging, like, at all lately. But I really am swamped with school, assignments, working @ 2 stores (finishes, this week) and football (sounds lame, but WE won the minor premiership so =P).
Anyways, I have a stack of stuff I've been meaning to write. Including a very special post I need to plan for September 24. But right now I'm just trying not to break my new year's resolution (blog every week).
So yes. School is getting very taxing, but term 3 is always like that for me. I just try to ride it out. Thankfully, on Friday, 6 assignments became 4, as I handed in history and ipt. We got back IPT today, and my group got 10/15. But my section got 4/5. So yay!
I've been transferring from macquarie fields to wattlegrove store for about 2 weeks, which means i've had 4-5 shifts. which is basically killing me. as getting to mac fields takes a good hour by bus and train (oh how i wish i cold drive). so time has basically been getting rarer and rarer, meanwhile i get richer and richer!
I was awesome and lucky enough to go to the Eels/Dragons game on Friday, and unlucky enough to go to the Bunnies/Dragons game the week before. At about halftime I stopped watching, it was torturing me. The Eels game however was beautiful. The best part being sitting in the corner where the first 3 tries were scored.
My grandfather got out of hospital on Friday!! So to all the people I've told about that (and I'm not sure how many there are), he's finally out, but on oxygen 24/7. At least he was out for father's day though.
So that's basically been my life lately.
Oh, and Charlie is being a piece of shit and restarting himself randomly, and not letting me sign into msn, which is REALLY PISSING ME OFF!
Anyways, keep smilng!!
PS: Anyone who has blogged in the past 2 weeks, I have not read it yet. Forgive me. When you get comments next month from me, at least you'll know I'm still a dedicated reader. Just a dedicated reader without enough hours in the day. (I haven't played sims for a week[except for when amy came over)
Anyways, I have a stack of stuff I've been meaning to write. Including a very special post I need to plan for September 24. But right now I'm just trying not to break my new year's resolution (blog every week).
So yes. School is getting very taxing, but term 3 is always like that for me. I just try to ride it out. Thankfully, on Friday, 6 assignments became 4, as I handed in history and ipt. We got back IPT today, and my group got 10/15. But my section got 4/5. So yay!
I've been transferring from macquarie fields to wattlegrove store for about 2 weeks, which means i've had 4-5 shifts. which is basically killing me. as getting to mac fields takes a good hour by bus and train (oh how i wish i cold drive). so time has basically been getting rarer and rarer, meanwhile i get richer and richer!
I was awesome and lucky enough to go to the Eels/Dragons game on Friday, and unlucky enough to go to the Bunnies/Dragons game the week before. At about halftime I stopped watching, it was torturing me. The Eels game however was beautiful. The best part being sitting in the corner where the first 3 tries were scored.
My grandfather got out of hospital on Friday!! So to all the people I've told about that (and I'm not sure how many there are), he's finally out, but on oxygen 24/7. At least he was out for father's day though.
So that's basically been my life lately.
Oh, and Charlie is being a piece of shit and restarting himself randomly, and not letting me sign into msn, which is REALLY PISSING ME OFF!
Anyways, keep smilng!!
PS: Anyone who has blogged in the past 2 weeks, I have not read it yet. Forgive me. When you get comments next month from me, at least you'll know I'm still a dedicated reader. Just a dedicated reader without enough hours in the day. (I haven't played sims for a week[except for when amy came over)
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