The days.

The days get so hard and long and exhausting.  How much longer can I do it? The question I bring to myself every few months. How long can I go without a day off before I crack? How long until I get aggressively sick beyond recovery? How long until I can't get out of bed in the morning? How long until I start crying myself to sleep every night. But every time I can go a little bit longer. And every time my body breaks in different ways.

So I make jokes. I laugh about the fact that I ask for help and receive "see you later" in response. I laugh when students set trees on fire or when they steal things or rip up their worksheets and throw them across the room at each other.

And I cry. When I find the time. I always cry. Sometimes I have a spare five minutes and I use it to cry. And maybe that's not healthy but I don't think there is a healthy solution. Everything is too hard. What do I do?

Lower my expectations. Change my mind about what I want in life.
And laugh.
Keep laughing

Best friends

The nights we stay up late talking are my favourite kind of nights; sharing everything with each other, even the things we're ashamed of and the things we thought we wouldn't tell. Sometimes it makes me so happy I can't feel it any more. Sometimes you make me scared I'll never be that happy again. But you take away the numbness and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Thanks for being my best friend ever. Thanks for staying up just in case I need to text you, even when I'm out with friends. Thanks for holding my hand when I'm so sad and stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thanks for listening to me freaking out about everything and letting me cry. I can't tell you how lost I would be without you.







Man it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

Doing Something

What's wrong with me? Why do you want me to be different? I actually like me now, I love me, but you don't. what don't you like about me? why do you want me to be something that I'm not? Why don't you like me?

---

And you're right, there isn't a right thing for everyone, I can't do anything that will be perfect for everyone. But I still want to be utilitarian. Is what's best for me the best thing? Yeah, I have to do something. But what?
...I can't do this for much longer.

---

Counting down the minutes until I can leave... what a wonderful way to live

only my internet has issues

So I suppose it has been a while since I blogged. That tends to be what I do. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but I’ve been having Internet issues, plus I always feel guilty for blogging instead of studying considering I have 7 assessments in a 4 week window. But life’s too short to study, right? …or something like that.

So life has been going on as it is so prone to do, and I have found myself in a bit of a black hole of misery, as I am so prone to do. I mean, I still enjoy life, I’m still glad to wake up in the morning, I still like going to school; I just burst into tears at inconvenient times and have half of my teachers thinking I’m depressed, which may or may not be true. I mean, honestly, you know you’ve got problems when you listen to Taylor Swift songs on loop. Although I suppose that can be said for many other artists, too.

So, I uh, yeah, have some issues I suppose. I’m feeling very Holden Caulfield of late. It’s weird and slightly terrifying to think that I am perhaps the happiest person living under my roof.


---


When you make it seem like you value my opinion, I feel like a more credible human being. When you search me out to tell me that you want to talk to me, I feel like my presence is valued. Sometimes I think you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. I am so pathetic :)


---


Sometimes you act like I am a really important part of your life, and sometimes you don’t even care about me. Is it silly to miss you when you stop replying to my messages? Is it pathetic that I am always the initiator of our conversations? Do you actually like talking to me, or are you just too nice to say you don’t; maybe you can just tell that I need you.


---


And speaking of needing people… do you still read this? Do you still know that I need you? That I miss you? That I want you in my life? Or have you also moved on in this big scary world and left me behind? I know we said we can’t be friends yet, but it would be nice to hear from you again.


---


And somehow I can’t imagine being able to survive this without the knowledge that you are for me, you are here in my life, you are here by side, if not always physically, then metaphorically. You are my hug at the end of a long day, you are my cure to the tears, you are the smile that disappears far too often from my face.


------

sorry, Internet is too laggy for pictures. Have a good day.

Letting people near

I don't have all the answers, and I'm sorry for that. I try to think of ways to make everything work, but something always has to give. I don't even think it's prioritising, it's just realising that not everything is going to happen perfectly, and that sometimes I have to make sacrifices. Why is there never enough time?



I feel like I need to talk to someone, but whoever I talk to is going to think that something is wrong, and that's not true, there's nothing wrong, in fact lots of things have been very right lately. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel sad, you know? It doesn't mean I'm never going to lie in bed at night crying my heart out. That's just who I am, I think, I feel things differently to other people. I get sad a lot, and that's ok, because I get happy a lot too.



I can't believe that I will never be trustworthy in the eyes of my mother due to something that happened over three years ago. She still thinks that I lied to her, and that that means that I will lie to her again. I have several issues with this. Mainly the fact that I never lied to her about anything, and that the reason we had an issue in the first place is because I chose to tell her the truth. The problem that resulted from this has made me never want to tell the truth about anything again. A second issue I have with this is that because she never trusts me, I have to lie to her about things. And I am not okay with that. Because I am a very honest person. I will generally tell people everything they want to hear. I don't like secrets; they make things too complicated. But I don't have a choice.



I hate doing things wrong. I despise human ignorance, and when I am ignorant, I hate myself. Unfortunately, being human means that I make mistakes, and that I stuff things up and that I am ignorant. This makes me unnecessarily sad. People don't make me sad, I make me sad. (Ok, occassionally mum makes me sad.)



I get so sad when I hear you're sad. I was just thinking today how happy I was with everything. I know you have your insecurities, I do too, but you're ruining the peacefulness that I felt. I wish you could see what I see. I'm so sorry.

I hate me without you

Okay, so today we're heading off for a week long holiday down to Merry Beach which is a cool name because it sounds like even the beach wants me to be happy. Although, you know, obviously it doesn't, because it's a beach, and if the people in my life don't want me to be happy, I'm pretty sure a beach won't either.



I want to be the kind of person that wants to go on a holiday with my family. I want to be the kind of person who can enjoy myself in the company of my mum without feeling like I need to talk to someone else to actually bring me some happiness.
I feel so lonely sometimes.



Anyway, I basically just wanted you to know that I am going. Today. And coming back in a week. And I will miss you. I think I'll miss me too.



Ok, well, I'm off to put my life together =)
Be good, and don't talk to strangers unless they offer you candy or a ride.

All right now

5 Negative Thoughts

1. In life, you will never have enough time. You will never get enough sleep because you're too busy doing homework or hanging out with family and friends and you don't have time for anythign and life is overwhleming.
2. Sometimes, no one really cares if you're miserable, and you are all alone in this huge world.
3. Reality is one huge problem that can never be solved. Give up now.
4. Happiness is like perfume; eventually you get immune to it and you don't even realise how happy you are until you stop being happy. Sadness is the opposite, you feel sadness infinitely.
5. Everything good in life eventually ends, and the absence of happiness is generally sadness. Bad things end too, but that doesn't always lead to happiness.



I know everything is going to be okay, I just feel so lonely, you know? I feel like I have all these people that care about that are just out of reach, because my mum won't let me go and talk to any of them. Then I feel bad because I blame my mum for everything that is quite possibly my fault. I wish I had someone to talk to other than just my sister, I think she's getting sick of me.

I will miss you

I didn't want to let go today.
I mean, I normally don't want to let go, but today, I really didn't want to let go.
I feel so happy when I'm with you. Even in the silences that I'm sure you find awkward but I never do, I'm happy. I like being quiet and just holding your hand and sitting there.
And I like walking home with you. Even when I tell you I hate you. I like having my arm around your waist, and I like kissing your cheek. I just like being around you.
And I didn't want to let go.

---


I feel sad a lot when I hear you tell them.
I'm sorry if it upsets you that I'm always crying. This is my way of dealing. I never expected it to be easy.
Sometimes we sit there and cry together, and I feel like we know exactly what each other is thinking. I like knowing what you're thinking. She doesn't want me to know what you're thinking, she gets annoyed when you tell me. I resent her for that. I like knowing things. I need to know things.

---

Sometimes when I talk about the future with you I get scared because I don't know how long you'll be here for. I'm so scared of not having you. I've always had you.
I don't like who I am without you. Your love for me has made me a stronger person. You make me believe I can be good.
I want you to stay in my life.
I will miss you, when you inevitably leave.

---

I usually end up crying so much that I run out of tears but they keep coming now. Or I get dehydrated. Both of which are bad. Maybe worse than running out? I just get sadder and sadder, I guess. And it gets worse and worse. I feel so lonely =S

Choose

Carl Barron: You know sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror, and you look good. You're like "You'd better go out today, Carl, you're looking good, how do you stay single?" and other days you're just like "GET FUCKED"

Far out, story of my life, except I have more Get fucked days than How do I stay single? days. This also works in other aspects of my life. Some days my Dad tells me I'm the most generous person he knows and I feel like I should love myself because I'm a pretty cool cat, and other days my english teacher tells me I'm the most insensitive person she's ever met, and I wonder how I can let myself become quite this terrible.



I'm so sick of life always being a balancing act, and someone always being annoyed at me, and me always being annoyed at me. And sitting here, not being able to figure out how to do my homework because lately I've been having a social life and some sleep. Sometimes I wonder what all of this is working towards anyway, which makes me question the purpose of life, and we all know that that never ends well.




Me: Do you think I would like me more if other people liked me more?
Paul: Probably
Me: I wish people liked me more
Paul: I'll always think you're awesome

I think my problem is that not enough people like me and that I'm a disappointment to most of the people I know. Of course, that's a bit of a cop out, because I know it's my fault for upsetting other people, but I think other people liking me would definitely be good.



I feel very happy at the moment. Everything is going well. Which means I'm bracing myself for diappointing. Isn't it funny, the way life works? When you're sad you think you'll always be sad, and when you're happy, you become sad that the happiness can never last. When do we truly get to be happy? Maybe we live for the perfect moments, even if we know it can only get worse. Maybe that happiness, and that knowledge is what it's all about.



And though admittedly all these moments are just in my head
I'll be thinking about them as I'm lying in bed
And I know that admittedly they might not even come true
But in my mind I'm having a pretty good time with you



I don't think people realise all the crap that's going on with me at the moment because I'm pretending that it doesn't effect me, and I was doing a good job too, and then things changed. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it, I don't know who I'm supposed to be. Sometimes life becomes so overly complicated that I just want to hide in a hole and read a book and go away from life. Because life is hard, and life hurts. And sadness can become so permanent, and happiness never does, and that pretty much sucks.



I got scars on my heart and they won't go away
Looking for someone to take them from me
Everybody knows I'm a little insane
Do you want me?

still falling

I guess I got the answer to my question, you have finally faced the fact that she will never love you. And you have moved on. And that terrifies the crap out of me. As much as it hurt me to see you go through each day pining over her, I think it will hurt more to see you with someone else. I'm not ready for you to move on yet. I'm not ready for you to be happy. Perhaps it is rather selfish of me to feel like this, and I am a rather selfish person. I know that you would never let this get in the way of what I mean to you. I know I am one of the most important people in your life. I'm going to be able to believe that, I'm going to let you be happy. I care so much for you, that I will value your happiness above all, after all, isn't this what I what I wanted?

---

I'm standing on the edge of something that has the potential to be incredibly beautiful or incredibly ugly and I am holding the balance within my heart. If I just took a chance and trusted myself, I could make this amazing. I could make this life of mine amazing. But I'm scared of taking chances, and I'm even more scared of trusting myself, particularly when it comes to being beautiful.

---

I suppose it should be enough for me that I'm being the best me I can be. But it's not. Because I am a continual disappointment to everyone in my life. And sometimes people deny that, but I can tell that they agree, and that they only deny it out of obligation. I wish I was good enough for someone else in my life, maybe then I'd be good enough for myself.

---

I probably didn't mention this, but a few days ago, I was amazinlgy extremely happy. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to jinx it, and because I knew it wouldn't last because that's how life works. It doesn't last, the happy doesn't last. The sadness sometimes feels like it lasts forever, but I guess it might not either. The point is that the happy didn't last, and it's stupid to think that it ever could because it doesn't and life is a bitch. And now I am, perhaps sadder than I was happy, and tears come so easily lately. I wish I could just sit with you and have you hug me again and tell me that the world is beautiful, because sometimes it is so hard for me to see.

---

I'm going to do english now, it really needs to be done before I leave for work.

=)

Smile because you can

Me: I miss him
Paul: Who's him? There's too many guys that I need to clarify
Me: Oh, you don't know this one
Paul: ...what's the girl version of a pimp?
Me: :(

Patrick: Your momma's so fat, if I pushed her in space, I would move an infinite distance away before she even got anywhere (Physics jokes FTW!)



I wish I could write this feeling like no one will ever read it. But people do read it, people I write about read it, people I write about read it and overanalyse it (ok, just the one :L)

In fact, I overanalyse it as well.
I look over it, and pull it apart and put it back together and try and figure out what it all means. What does it mean? What do I mean? How do I feel? And when did life get so damn complicated?



I miss feeling cared about. I think that's all this shit really is. I miss being hugged everyday simply because I told you I liked it. I miss laughing at nerd jokes with you, I miss buying you Christmas presents, and I miss receiving them from you. I don't miss you, I don't even really talk to you, even though I thought I would. But I miss the idea of having you in my life.



Paul: I am now accepting bff aplications, must:
*be there for me
*not lie, about anything
* Let me get to know you, everything about you, nothing left out
*Not judge me
please be my best friend
Me: I would like to apply
Paul: LOL ok
Me: My name is Ebony, and I'm a pretty good best friend, I think. You must let me steal study notes from you, and let me complain to you about boys, and not judge me for things I do when I'm pmsing
Paul: lol ok

So now Paulie is my best friend =) And I have his physics HSC paper to study from (thus fulfilling the first of his obligations)



I guess, sometimes, it's easier to smile than to cry or tell people how you really feel. When I tell people I don't feel like I have real friends anymore, I laugh. I guess, it's easier to say everything if you say it with a smile.



Talking about you makes me happier than I've been in a while. Talking to you makes me infinitely more happy. when I think of you, I'm not all jumbly anymore, I'm just me. Whoever that is. Whoever it is you talk to. Just having you in my life gives me reason to smile. Thanks for being here =)

Goodnight sunshines, I need to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight =)

You inspired me

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everyone you talk to hates you?
Well, that was my day yesterday :L
But today, I'm feeling much more positive, probably because I've done all my homework and I'm not feeling any guilt at the moment =)



I'm not really sure how you changed me. I know that I find myself smilng more now, and that's good. I know that I feel an amazing confidence in myself that I never used to have, because I feel weirdly... loveable. Haha, not that I didn't already think that? I don't know, you just make me feel like someone actually wants to talk to me other than my parents (not that parents aren't totally cool bananas)



I do sometimes feel quite small and I believe this is because I am a perfectionist

"And yet, you still find one thing to obsess over. One form not filled in. One call not returned.

Obviously, this means your entire life has been a failure."

I find that if I have one piece of homework not done, or one assignment not completed at least a week before it's due, I am a failure, and I love how much this quote mocks people like me, because, it makes me realise how insignificant my life is in the grander scheme of things (and makes me feel better about not having my physics prac report finished yet)



I saw you again today, and I felt a bit of sadness. I saw the way your hair falls around your face again, and I saw the way your forehead crinkles when you concentrate really hard again. I saw the way you walk again, and I saw the way you form your body into a percussion instrument at will again.
I don't miss you. But I felt a little sad.

So... live.

Good morning again my sunshines (it is at least getting earlier in the morning, right?)

And welcome to another day of sadness, misery, and realising that your life is simply repeating itself in circles (at least it started cheerful).
Today (yesterday) was sort of my last day of holidays since I'm working sat + sun, but that's ok, because I have thoroughly enjoyed it (you know, to an extent.) I mean, I'm getting tired of the Australian national anthem from the amount of gold medals we've won, which is just awesome.

I bought Tim Minchin's DVD "So Live" today, and it's the best 2 hours I've ever spent. In fact, it seemed a lot shorter than 2 hours, but that was probably from the sheer awesomeness (tony the fish =D).

I should blog earlier (later?) so that I actually have stuff to say :L (or so that I can sleepat a resonable time, particularly when I have to wake up at 8 for work).
And speaking of work, and life going around in circles...

I'm so silly sometimes. I mean, either that, or I'm strangely retarded. Or maybe, I am actually "mature" (and somehow that seems like the least likely of all the options).
When I think about it, I'm still just a kid. There's so much that I have left to learn. And though I got quite a few life lessons fairly on in life, I think I have to relearn some of them, because I was too young to understand. I guess, I've always been a bit ahead of the norm, but this is just so stupid. I'm so stupid. Why am I always so stupid? (Maybe it's not me, mabe it's everyone else?)

Have a good night/morning! I'll blog again eventually (it could be weeks, now that holidays are over[at least a bit]).

Beautiful world

Ok, so, I originally wasn't going to blog because my Internet downloads are diminising very quickly with all this school holiday spare time. But then, I thought, oh well, I may as well use it all up, right? (No, Ebony, that's a stupid idea).

Anyways, so here I am, and it's actually tomorrow now, which means I missed a day of blogging, oh how terrible. But I don't really care :L Because I have things to say =)

School holidays. It's like a time of intense loneliness, because everyone's doing their own thing, unless you're the kind of person that doesn't have a thing, and you keep jigging work for silly things like grand finals (31 years says it's not silly). And then you sit at home talking to people that are just as lonely and pathetic as you, and that you wish you could cheer up, but some part of you doesn't want them to be happy, and you don't know what to say because you're so fucking lonely yourself.

And you sit in bed at night for hours and you think about his smile. So damn beautiful. And you wonder if, maybe if you hadn't had so many weeks without that smile, maybe you could still believe that humanity was beautiful. Because he makes it beautiful. And you visualise the conversations you can never have because you get that funny feeling in your tummy when he's around, and it's something you haven't felt in so long, which is why you maybe didn't recognise it at first. And now you do recognise it, and you're scared of it, and you want to run away, but without that beautiful smile you just feel this overwhelming sadness. And maybe when you're with him, you feel sad as well, but he makes the world shine a little more.

Oh my gosh, I'm such a stupid little girl. =S

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound...

And just thinking about your smile, for hours on end each night, makes the night more beautiful, and my life more beautiful, and gives me reason to smile, and maybe even takes away a little of the sadness. The sadness that I guess was largely caused by you.
I wonder, if you had never entered my life, would I still be here? Or would I be... happy? The word sounds so strange, because I often feel so very sad, but I know there was a time when I was happy. Or at least... content. And I had all my boxes ticked, which I thought was a sign that I was happy, although now I'm starting to doubt it.

But I might be starting to doubt it because I'm mentally blocking the happy I felt, so that the sad doesn't take over so much. Or maybe, that wasn't happy?

I'm so stupid and confused.

Please make my world beautiful again.

Oh, and today is RUOK Day, which is some weird thingy thingo.
So yeah, please leave a comment, and tell me if you are ok. (And it's ok if you're not. We all fall sometimes, but we get up again)

Terrible things

I tend to get sad, as it gets closer to night time. I think, maybe he was right? And at the time I thought it was silly, but, you do feel lonelier at night. And I know I shouldn't be lonely because I have all these wonderful people in my life, that care about me, and are there for me. But, I can't help but feel like I want to be the centre of someone's world.



I think I'm trying to remember the person that I used to be, before... everything. And that of course leads me back to you. It always leads me back to you. Every journey of self discovery has you at the end, and that doesn't even make sense, because I'm looking for me, not you. But I keep finding you.



I miss you. I miss talking to you. I wish it wasn't like this between us. I know we have our ups and downs but I hate when we have problems because of boys. I never want our friendship to be hurt because of them (because let's be honest, boys are silly anyway). I don't know what I've done, and I don't know how to make it right, but I will try.



I keep forgetting that you love her. And then you do something simple, like ask if I know why she's mad at you, and I start crying because you actually do love her. Sometimes, I wish that she would love you too, and then everything would be ok, and maybe you could be happy together. But she doesn't. Maybe she used to, but she doesn't anymore. Maybe she never will.



Today, as I was driving with my Dad, I heard that song, and I sung it really loudly all the way home. It makes me happy that a song can make me feel so close to you. I like feeling close to you. Sometimes, I feel a bit too close to you, and then I feel weird and awkward, but usually you say something vague that makes me realise I barely know you at all. But it's still nice.

Goodnight beautiful people in my life =)

In darkness

Confession #12: I don't remember the last time I felt this small

"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"

"You're the stars in my eyes." - October

It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.

And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)


ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.