Uh, 42.

finished reading breaking dawn.
she got perfection.
everything she's ever wanted.
it makes me wonder...

is that what it's all about?
true love? best friends? a good family? peace?
because, we're never gonna get all that
we're never gonna get perfection
so where is the point that we feel satisfied?
do we wake up one day, and think 'jeez, this is a bit of all right!'?
or, do we just spend everyday trying to follow some sick purpose?

oooh, im gonna change the world. ill save lives, that will the purpose of my life, to stop other people from getting where i dont wanna go bcuz im saving them.

or, oooh, im gonna change the world! ill fix it, so that the next generation of people with no other purpose can have a good life with no purpose.

why bother??

and im not being emo or stupid or stuck in the whirlwind of last years identicle thoughts, im truly curious.

i want to know my point. why i bother waking up in the morning, what im looking for. why do we need friends? or family? or an education? or even money?? is there some afterlife where we'll be judged by the aquaintances we've managed to rack up over the years??

why do we need friends? in the end we all die alone. why is it so hard to take things alone? why do we need a shoulder? is it because we are weak?

i dont understand, i dont want to understand. i dont want to be involved. i dont want life, i didnt choose it, and what the hell am i going to do to the world that will change it??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 minutes later.

beauty.
moments.
love. like i even know what that is...
trust. people can' be trusted. especially if i cant trust myself.




thats all i can think of.

this is another one of my lists, everytime im pissed again, ill look at my list, ill find my happiness, my purpose, ill cross things off when (not if) they dont help. wow, the upside of my blog took a sudden, masochistic turn.

i dont wanna do this.
i want to be happy.















so much.

True Love, and the price to pay

“You don’t get it!” Now I was pissed, this was so obvious, how could he miss it? “You left me broken! Shattered into a million tiny little pieces.” Okay, it was a little overdramatic, but I was trying to make a point. “And then I found him! And he actually put an effort into piecing me back together again. I felt good again, I felt almost happy!” That was a bit of a stretch, than again, maybe it wasn’t, maybe there was a point where I crossed into happy. “But he was falling into the same trap you had me in, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke him too.” Only a matter of time before I lost my friend, my closest friend and my best friend.

Now I realise that maybe I let him get too close. Actually, no maybe, I let him get too close. I shouldn’t have. And in the end I didn’t break him, he broke me too. Maybe it’s something about me.
------------------------------------------------------------------

You know what I realised??

I’d give it all up.
Everything.
My entire perfect life.
All of it.
Everything I’m thankful for everyday.
I’d let it go.

What for, Ebony??

For a storybook life.
You know the one, no friends, your parents split up, only child, barely getting by at school.
And him.
But the rest don’t matter, you’ve got him.

That’s what I want.

EVERYONE READING THIS!! I would give you up.
For true love.

I think this is an irrational feeling
And I’m sure in a few hours, I won’t feel the same.
I’ll touch back down to Earth.
Realise how good I’ve got it.

But until then…
As much as I love you guys…

I just want one person I can curl up next to, and tell everything, not have to keep secrets from. Someone who loves me, understands me. Someone who allows me to understand them, who lets me try, and succeed. I know that doesn’t make much sense, since none of you guys can see in my head. But I want that person so badly.

And although I spend a lot of my life running away from growing up, I think I’d like to grow up enough to meet that person.

So before I come to my sense and delte all of this, I'm going to post it. Maybe my perfect person will read it, and come find me :)

((Oh, and the stories at the top, I don't know what that's all about, but I like them, so I'll probably keep writing them))

RaNdooM

"You dont always have to be there hero" I whispered to him, smiling weakly. Of course he knew I was just trying to distract him, but did he know that I meant it?
"I know." He turned, his face desperate. I could see that clearly, even in the dim light "But sometimes, I just don't want to be the villain"

...


I DUNNO!!



...


ok, so i am.... confused

yes, good word.

"This is a little piece of hell, right in the middle of heaven"

My life, a few days ago... yesterday?

Today??

ALL GOOD.
I realised, this arvo, I'm happy again.

That emo but not feeling is gone!! =o=o

And I just feel like shouting it.

Maybe it was exams doing my head in? All I know is that now I can relax!!

CCCHHHIIILLLLLLL.

And tomorrow... read eclipse.

~Twilight~

What I wrote on Sunday but didn’t post: 

 ‘‘I put my knees together, one elbow on each, and my forearms perpendicular with the car floor below me. I was vaguely aware of the chattering around me about my sister’s driving. I rested my face in the palms of my hands, allowing my hair to fall around me. And I thought of him. Every part of his precious beauty filled me as I wistfully wished him to be mine. My face grew sadder as the minutes passed by, and my fantasy fled as I realised he was the one thing I could never have.

 “What’s up?” my father’s words interrupted my thoughts, and I jerked my head up to look at him

 “She’s scared of my driving” my sister joked.

 “Enough to give you an instant headache, huh?” 

“No…” I stopped myself before I told them what I had been thinking. My father distracted my sister by continuing to instruct her driving, I was thankful to him. I allowed my mind to again be consumed with thoughts of him as I drifted between fantasy and reality.’ 

 OH SNAP!! 

But I like it… it’s sorta… nice. 

Like, idealistic, if you will. 

 I wrote that yesterday, in Spanish school. Just thought I’d share.

 You see… I want my own fantasy.

 Exam week. For everyone else… a big deal, they spent all week (and weekend for that matter) studying. What did I do? Read twilight 3 times. Midnight Sun (ch1-12) twice. New Moon. 

 So I’m guessing you’ve found my addiction. 

 And I don’t read the books because I like them, because I don’t think I like them all that much, they’re just my drug, my addiction. They give me hope. 

 As much as I try to remind myself that they are just books, I find great joy in believing that every girl has an Edward Cullen.’

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 Today: I figured it out. My addiction. I had an epiphany. 

 What’s the best thing about fantasy? You get to get away, escape everything, over look reality. 

 So why have I drowned my self in it?? Because that, more than anything else in the world, is what I need. I may have been acting a little odd lately, in fact I probably still am. Just a little…void. I don’t know why that is. I Do know, however that, although I do not enjoy the twilight series, I UNDERSTAND it, and that means more than you would think. I understand everything they do, except Edward, he just pisses me off. And, because I understand it, AND relate to it, it feels real to me. It feels like… I’m blurring the lines between fantasy and reality. I’ve forgotten where I end and Bella begins. Her traits and mine, intertwined within my head, so that through it all, I have hope. So why don’t you have hope, Ebony? Why don’t you have something to look forward to? Why don’t you CARE anymore??

 My answer: I don’t know. I just want to be lost, until it all finishes. What “it” is, I do not know. I just know that it must end for me to be happy. So… my dear Twilight, I have welcomed you with open arms Hoping that you hold something for me I don’t know if you do, I just know that you make things hurt less, and yet you still let me feel. What more could I want?? Twilight. When I first learnt that word, it was pure peace to me. It reminded me of blue, purple and black. The gap between cloudless day and cloudless night, it was poetic. I will never think of it that way again, it will always represent something comfortable, but never peaceful, I have lost the peace. But after all of this, I would like to end with a song, an unusual occurrence for my random blogs, but still, not a first. 

 The song: Wuthering Heights.

 The story: Similar to new moon. (important parts BIGGER) 

The difference: The names, there is a slight amount of role reversal, but all the ideas are common. Let Wuthering Weights be your forks. The lyrics:

Out On the wiley, windy moors

We'd roll and fall in green

You had a temper, like my jealousy

Too hot, too greedy

How could you leave me

When I needed to possess you?

I hated you, I loved you too

Bad dreams in the night

They told me I was going to lose the fight

Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering

Wuthering Heights

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home

I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home

I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Oh it gets dark, it gets lonely

On the other side from you

I pine alot, I find the lot

Falls through without you

I'm coming back love, cruel Heathcliff

My one dream, my only master

Too long I roam in the night

I'm coming back to his side to put it right

I'm coming home to wuthering, wuthering

Wuthering Heights

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home

I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home

I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Ooh let me have it, let me grab your soul away

Ooh let me have it, let me grab your soul away

You know it's me, Cathy

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home

I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home

I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home

I'm so cold

Intoxicating

Ok, so, you were away today, yes, I noticed. But it’s the only day out of this week and next that you don’t have exams, so you are forgiven.

I only realised today, that I see you EVERYDAY. I mean like, sure, on the train, but this week, you haven’t caught my train ( =( ) because of your stupid foot. But still I’ve seen you everyday. You haven’t even had lunch and recess at the same time as the rest of the school, but still, I’ve seen you everyday. I’m starting to feel a bit like a stalker.

Like, I see you walk into school, cuz in the mornings I sit near the gate. I see you at random times when you decide to SIT AT MY TABLE!!!!

Amy: *walking up to table, ROFLING*
Me: “It is so not funny! So BEYOND funny!!”
Amy: *still laughing*

So I walked away, I was the only one there anyway, (out of my group), so I usually walk away, I just walked away especially quickly.

Shailin: “Why didn’t you talk to him?”
Me: *thinks really hard*…. “Because, it hurts me, he makes me feel bad about myself”
Shai: “So WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM??”
Me: *thinks again, still really hard* “Because he’s really nice to everyone else”

And thus it stands.

It still hurts me, a lot, to talk to you.
I am “intoxicated by your presence”.
You still don’t care that you hurt me.
You are taking Bianca to her prom. (Just thought I’d throw that in there, so irrelevant)
It scares me slightly to be around you, but also, I love that thrill, so I cannot stay away
You make my heart act in weird and wonderful ways; it has been know to stop around you.
I don’t like that you got hurt, I really don’t. I looked up, saw you, and thought “Not him”. But you’ve hurt me so much, that I try so hard to make it about me.

I should explain that more:

Afterwards, after I’d looked down again, I tried to think of a reason why this would be good for me. You’d hurt yourself, and that hurt me, I needed some sort of… consolation prize. Whilst my primary fear was for you, I try so hard to hurt myself less, and so, my instinct was to be glad that you’d hurt yourself. To make us balance, equal.

Oh and one last thing, Monday! I didn’t MEAN it like that. It’s just that, when you come up in conversation (as you so often seem to, whether with my sister or even Christina), I keep you there, when people start to stray, I bring the conversation back to you, it gives me an excuse to think of you. So whilst it may have seen mean, it was merely a way of stopping their minds from deviating for a few seconds longer.

…

I can’t pick a song. I’m trying, I’d Lie comes to mind, but even since my sister told me it reminds her of Twilight, I’ve been reluctant to think of it in association with you. It’s just, one of those things.

…

Oh well, here, have two lines:

“Wouldn’t it be nice to leave it open-ended, and pretend it could go either way?”

Can't Lose What You Never Had - Westlife

Ok, so I haven’t blogged about you in a while, again.
I know, I keep doing that, but it’s probably because things never seem to change with you.
Today: First day back this term.
You weren’t on the train.
After P2: I see you walking past with your friends, on crutches; you’d hurt your foot.
First thought: Ouch! Poor thing.
Second thought: Jeez, about time he hurt someone other than me.

See, my liking you comes before my hating you. I don’t like that. I don’t want to care about you, just like you don’t care about me.

Our only conversation today (so far):
You: “HI EBONY!!”
Me: *looks up* “HI!” *looks down again*
You: “I don’t like you.”
Me: *walks away*

Come on! Who just throws that into conversation? I KNOW!! I know you hate me, okay? I don’t the need the not-so-friendly reminder.

All day, I’ve been really quiet, yes! Me! Quiet.

Amy: “We came first in state for Wakakirri!!!”
Me: *distantly* “Cool…”

Seriously, normally, I would be like, jumping sky high about stuff like that. Not today! Today, you told me that you “don’t like” me. And not even because it came up, but because you thought I should know that.

I DO! You think I make up this crap??

Me & Shailin today

Shai: “So tell me about your boy troubles”
Me: “Well…”
Shai: “Wait is it about…?” *tilts head*
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “Continue”
Me: “He hates me”
Shai: “Really?”
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “How do you know?”
Me: “He said so”
Shai: “As in a joke?”
Me: “Nope”
Shai: “Why does he hate you?”
Me: “No idea”
Shai: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah”

That sorta got me thinking… why do you hate me?
I mean sure, I’m not the nicest person in the world, I get that, but I’m not exactly the worst either. I’m okay, once you get to know me. I have my flaws, but nothing that bad.

I don’t get it.

But thankyou for hurting yourself.


Baby you're so beautiful,
and when i'm near you,
i can't breathe,(i can't breathe)
A guy like you gets what you want,when you want it,
You're so out of my league,
I show you no emotion,
Don't let you see, what you're doin' to me
I imagine the two of us together,
but i've been living in reality,

Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
But time is running out,
so damn my foolish pride,

I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad,
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,

Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,

Rules are made for breaking,
Nothing ventured nothing gained,
I'll be no worse off than i am right now,
and i might never get that chance again,baby,

Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
Told my heart i didn't want you,
but i lied,

I don't care if you think i'm crazy,
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,

Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,

Here on the outside looking in,
Don't wanna stay dreaming bout,
what could have been,
Need to hear you speak my name,
even if you shoot me down in flames,

I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,

Now i'm gonna confess that i love you
I've been keepin it inside,
feelin i could die
But if you turn away, baby that's okay
At least we have a moment before you say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had

My Holiday

Haven’t blogged all holidays, and for good reason, I tried to forget everything. It may not have worked, but I tried.

I didn’t want to come here, and let myself think. Because I have a crazy mind, and with the out the regularity and sanity of school I’m sure I would have gone crazy here. It’s what I do. If you know me, you know that. I over think and overanalyse everything. I end up thinking I know things that aren’t true.

The other reason I didn’t blog is because I got really depressed. Especially in the first week. I remember saying earlier that in last year’s holidays I hit rock bottom. Well, I did it again. I was crazy. I hardly even remember the week. I just sat here, at this computer, listened to the same songs over again, played solitaire and went mental. I wrote, this thing. I was meaning to put it here on this blog spot, but now, it just scares me that I thought these thoughts:

What you’ve never known about me: I actually walk really slowly normally, I only walk fast with friends, because I can escape, and be alone. I love being alone, because I’m not me around other people, I’m who I pretend to be, and I don’t really like that person. I’m actually not a happy person. I smile. I laugh. I joke. But it’s not me. Me: I hate the world. I think happiness is overrated. I love to cry. Sometimes I force myself to cry because it makes me feel. I love to feel. My favourite song at the moment: Try Honesty – Billy Talent. I envy Goths because they have no worries. I like bright colours because they remind me of someone I could never be. I enjoy be upset. “Do what makes you happy, if being miserable is what makes you happy, then be miserable, as long as it makes you happy.” It doesn’t make me happy, it makes me satisfied. Things hurt less when you let them hurt more. Going crazy with anger makes you freer than going crazy on happiness. I don’t envy happy people, because people think I’m a happy person. I understand. They’re just trapped, trapped behind a disguise they invented. A disguise they invented to make other people happy. Other people don’t like sadness. They don’t like it when you say suicide is a good idea, that you’ve contemplated it, or that you know 17 different ways to kill yourself. I understand emos, people who self harm. When things hurt physically, the emotional pain goes away, it’s overpowered. Emotional pain feels worse, but physical pain is stronger, it helps you forget.

What scares the most about that, is that most of it is true. I walk faster with others, I love to cry, that is my favourite song, even though it’s what I imagine death would sound like.
I’m scared of that person, of who I was. And I don’t just mean last week. I know none of you knew me before high school, and those of you that did, you’d know that I never had real friends, people I could tell stuff. But I was seriously emo, I cried randomly for no reason. I wrote lists of all the reasons I should stay alive, but gradually crossed off everything. Everytime I was happy, I gave myself a reason, then I added it to the list, but it was all crossed off.

Until I decided to be a vet. I think that was escape. My reason, “for the animals”, even now I find written over and over again on sheets of paper, in my diary, all over my room. I convinced myself to live, for all the animals I could save. I find it insane when I think about it now, and I’m scared of that person I was. Everytime I look into my past, I’m surprised by what I went through. Most people have some sort of childhood issues, but mine went further than others, I can actually understand how I became depressed. I was severely traumatised as a child.

I make excuses for things now, I make excuses for people, for how they treated me, I try to see the other side of everything. I think that’s damaging to my conscious, I can understand every side of the story, so am okay when I do the wrong thing. I know who started all this, I know who I blame. My parents may truly believe that I’ve led a sheltered life, but I’ve seen things you only ever read about in magazines, things that give people nightmares. They almost found out once, what she did to me, but I stopped them, I got away. They were shocked, but they let me distract them, looking back, I shouldn’t have, but I did. Now, I’d prefer that I had the protection I needed. I’m still making excuses for her in my mind though, and I need someone to tell me that what she did was wrong, that I didn’t deserve it, that when she told me it would be fun, she didn’t mean for me. I need someone to tell me that I was right to be scared, that I wasn’t a whimp. I need someone to understand.

You watch those shows, and you see people say, “it’s not your fault, you did nothing to cause this, she is in the wrong, not you” and you think, Jeez! Kid! Get it already, how can you still think it was you? But the thing is, I trusted her, so it was my fault. You watch other people like you and you think, “ it wasn’t you, you deserve so much more than that”, but why don’t think I deserve more? This blog is probably scaring anyone who’s reading it, because this is a really big secret, and most of you probably know what I’m talking about, what the thing is, but none of you know the person. None of you know what happened, how it happened, how I remember every second, and no matter what I do, it will only ever be me, no one else can ever understand. Because I let her! It was her fault, but I let her get away with it. For over a year! Every week! I let her treat me worse than I should be treated.

I try to tell myself that I didn’t know better, in fact, I had no idea what she was doing. But no matter how innocent I was, I must have understood. I must have actually gotten it.

And now this is completely sidetracked, cuz I was meant to be telling you about my holiday. Well, I’m too annoyed now, Ill blog about the holiday another time.