#1 Things that shit me

I have some lists...
Because I feel like my mind works better in dot points.
I call this first list
"Things that shit me":

1. Girls. Girls who say “I’m fine” when they’re not fine. Girls who say “it’s ok” when it’s not ok. Girls who get upset with guys for not reading their fucking minds.
2. Men. Men who say “I can change” or “I’m not the person I was”. You haven’t changed, you are the same person, and you shouldn’t be begging for the attention of someone who needs you to change anyway.
3. People who complain about being overweight but eat junk food and refuse to exercise and then tell other people off for being skinny or for telling them not to eat chocolate or whatever.
4. People who can’t use correct grammar. Like not even 100% of the time. I don’t care if you end sentences with prepositions or use commas instead of semicolons. I would, however, like to be able to read what you’re writing. If your sentence is five lines long and it has no commas then you are doing it wrong and we can’t be friends.
5. Religion. Religion and religious people drive me insane and I wish they didn’t but I want to throw up every time someone quotes the bible on facebook. I feel like every horrible thing that has even been has been done with religious intentions. Good intentions, yes, but religious intentions. Like if people stopped caring what god thought and started caring about themselves and each other then maybe the world would be a little nicer.
6. Vegetarians/vegans with a superiority complex that don’t know anything about animal product/bi-product industries. Or that don’t understand anything about animals. Like the thing you don’t understand is that the cow is happy to stand in the field all day and eat grass and then come and eat some grain while it is being milked. It is not a prison cell. It is a home.
7. People that think that time heals all wounds. Some wounds get worse with time. Some hatred deepens with time. Sometimes I don’t need time I need a hug and maybe some chocolate or something.
8. My iPod not allowing me to add new music without deleting all the old music because it has to sync and I’ve had to factory restore my computer since the last time I added music to it and that doesn’t mean I don’t own it, it means you’re being a prick.
9. Moral absolutism. Like you can't be a good person if you've ever done a bad thing or that it can't be a good idea if it comes from a bad person.
10. Having to code the html for this blog by hand because it can't comprehend the concept of copy and pasting formatting from a goddamn word document. Like the base 10 number system is too much for my poor computer.

I guess that would be incentivizing decency though

So... live.

Good morning again my sunshines (it is at least getting earlier in the morning, right?)

And welcome to another day of sadness, misery, and realising that your life is simply repeating itself in circles (at least it started cheerful).
Today (yesterday) was sort of my last day of holidays since I'm working sat + sun, but that's ok, because I have thoroughly enjoyed it (you know, to an extent.) I mean, I'm getting tired of the Australian national anthem from the amount of gold medals we've won, which is just awesome.

I bought Tim Minchin's DVD "So Live" today, and it's the best 2 hours I've ever spent. In fact, it seemed a lot shorter than 2 hours, but that was probably from the sheer awesomeness (tony the fish =D).

I should blog earlier (later?) so that I actually have stuff to say :L (or so that I can sleepat a resonable time, particularly when I have to wake up at 8 for work).
And speaking of work, and life going around in circles...

I'm so silly sometimes. I mean, either that, or I'm strangely retarded. Or maybe, I am actually "mature" (and somehow that seems like the least likely of all the options).
When I think about it, I'm still just a kid. There's so much that I have left to learn. And though I got quite a few life lessons fairly on in life, I think I have to relearn some of them, because I was too young to understand. I guess, I've always been a bit ahead of the norm, but this is just so stupid. I'm so stupid. Why am I always so stupid? (Maybe it's not me, mabe it's everyone else?)

Have a good night/morning! I'll blog again eventually (it could be weeks, now that holidays are over[at least a bit]).

Beautiful world

Ok, so, I originally wasn't going to blog because my Internet downloads are diminising very quickly with all this school holiday spare time. But then, I thought, oh well, I may as well use it all up, right? (No, Ebony, that's a stupid idea).

Anyways, so here I am, and it's actually tomorrow now, which means I missed a day of blogging, oh how terrible. But I don't really care :L Because I have things to say =)

School holidays. It's like a time of intense loneliness, because everyone's doing their own thing, unless you're the kind of person that doesn't have a thing, and you keep jigging work for silly things like grand finals (31 years says it's not silly). And then you sit at home talking to people that are just as lonely and pathetic as you, and that you wish you could cheer up, but some part of you doesn't want them to be happy, and you don't know what to say because you're so fucking lonely yourself.

And you sit in bed at night for hours and you think about his smile. So damn beautiful. And you wonder if, maybe if you hadn't had so many weeks without that smile, maybe you could still believe that humanity was beautiful. Because he makes it beautiful. And you visualise the conversations you can never have because you get that funny feeling in your tummy when he's around, and it's something you haven't felt in so long, which is why you maybe didn't recognise it at first. And now you do recognise it, and you're scared of it, and you want to run away, but without that beautiful smile you just feel this overwhelming sadness. And maybe when you're with him, you feel sad as well, but he makes the world shine a little more.

Oh my gosh, I'm such a stupid little girl. =S

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound...

And just thinking about your smile, for hours on end each night, makes the night more beautiful, and my life more beautiful, and gives me reason to smile, and maybe even takes away a little of the sadness. The sadness that I guess was largely caused by you.
I wonder, if you had never entered my life, would I still be here? Or would I be... happy? The word sounds so strange, because I often feel so very sad, but I know there was a time when I was happy. Or at least... content. And I had all my boxes ticked, which I thought was a sign that I was happy, although now I'm starting to doubt it.

But I might be starting to doubt it because I'm mentally blocking the happy I felt, so that the sad doesn't take over so much. Or maybe, that wasn't happy?

I'm so stupid and confused.

Please make my world beautiful again.

Oh, and today is RUOK Day, which is some weird thingy thingo.
So yeah, please leave a comment, and tell me if you are ok. (And it's ok if you're not. We all fall sometimes, but we get up again)

Everyone needs a souvenir

Since Paul posted his story on his tumblr about how he nearly hit someone today, I thought I'd post my story about how someone hit me (I'm fine, stop freaking out, I just hate people a little bit more).

So yeah, I was driving in Parramatta, on that really busy road :L That you go on to go to Westfields (or Dad's work, but hopefully you guys don't know where that is =D) and we got to those lights, where you can turn left or straight from the first(left) lane, and straight or right from the second(middle) lane, and right only from the third(right) lane (just read that until it makes sense :L).
So I was in the leftest (a word? I think not) lane, and I was going straight, and my lane was all empty, and the others were packed, because there was a red light to turn right (and both other lanes can turn right). And then this jerk in the middle lane quickly changes into my lane, and I'm like =O=S I wasn't expecting that, and I like, braked, and started going slower. And then ANOTHER jerk (how many idiots can be in one place at a time, I ask you) decides to pull into my lane, except he was completely stopped, and then he just started moving, and dad's like "look out" and I didn't have time to do brake (not that I could have without like, breaking my neck, or someone else's) and then I just heard this massive crash and I hit the side of his car.

So I pulled over, and he pulled over, and Dad took my licence, and got out and went to talk to him, and I wound down my window, but couldnt really see any damage without getting out. And I was sort of freaking out. And then Dad came back, and said that the other guy had a Chinese licence, and he's not sure if it's an international licence or not (seriously? seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!). Oh yeah, and he said it's my fault because I was going too fast, and should have left enough space for him (SEERIIIIOUSLYYY???????)

And then Dad was looking at the headlight with a frown, and then he tried to open my door, and it won't open. So I climbed over the gear stick and got out on Dad's side, and Mum and Nikki got out (oh yeah, I nearly killed my ENTIRE family) and the front of the car is smashed and there are weird things in the headlight bit, and the side is pushed into the door stopping it from opening, and things are sort of hanging there.

So Dad popped the bonet to see what the funky smell was (did I mention the funky smell? there was a funky smell) and in popping it, part of the car fell of except for one tiny bit hanging it was hangin by. and after we realised there was nothing funky going on down there, we pulled off the bit of the front of the car, and gave it to me as a souvenir of my first car crash.

Oh yeah, and no one got hurt (should've been mentioned first maybe?), because the car took all the force of the collision (crumple zones ftw!) Except my sister got jolted around a bit (even though she was furthest away, how odd)


And I refused to drive for the rest of the day because I was scared I was going to hit things.
But I'm 'getting back on the horse' and driving Mum to the airport tomorrow (she's going away for a bit of the weekend).

Anyways, have a good day and drive safely =)
There are some stupid drivers out there that will accidentally hit you if you do silly things =(

Capable

Confession #12: Sometimes, I think they're all right. The best option might be to lie.

"Where are you? You’ve seemed a little distant lately. Like you’ve got something to hide. You can tell me. I won’t be mad."

"I can't see the big picture." - coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.

---

The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.

---

I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?

"We've recieved unconfirmed reports that you are beginning to ask questions. Please accept the world as it is and allow it to continue to work the way it works. Fit in.

Thank you."

In other words, it doesn't matter if you're failing English.
Or that you cry at inconvenient times during the day.
And it doesn't matter if you ate lunch alone.
Or that you've fought with everyone important to you in the last 24 hours (including yourself.)

This is the way the world works.

You just have to stop asking questions and fit in.







Resistance is futile.

Bright and sunshiney

Confession #28: I wish life would slow down. Everything is happening so fast and I don't know how I feel about any of it.

"Most people think of black holes as things that transport you through time and space, most people forget to mention the fact that they will most likely rip you apart"

"Ready for the day to end" - edyka



Welcome to the black hole that is life.

It is a black hole because stupid people do stupid things to mess with you like the stupid vet telling you your dog might have stupid cancer.
Or stupid people you talk to online that tell you their entire life story, and don't bother asking how you are because they don't care.
Or stupid people that rearrange your entire stupid bedroom whilst you are at work because they don't like it being messy and are throwing out half your stupid stuff.
Or stupid people that wake you up by stupid texting you goodnight, and you can't even get pissed off at them because it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you.

And then you go to work, and there's the genius, who hears about your dog, and enlightens you by saying "cancer is smarter than people. there will never be a cure for cancer because it evolves quicker than humans can cure it. people that give money to cancer are stupid"

And that makes you feel all bright and sunshiney, doesn't it?

Riding with despair prohibited

Confession #9: I am angry, sad, and terrified. Why can't you give me what you promised?

“You left. I stayed. We both cried.

Time.”

"life sucks. so we eat cookies" – justkharp

I think I've just lost it.
And seriously, my family holiday on Sunday, NO ONE wants to go. We all feel so terribubble about leaving. And so WE SHOULD.

Ugh, my mind is overloaded with all this crap, and the only way to get it all out is to cry.

Which I did.
At the dentist.
And after that...
Walking home from coles.

Because, if you're gonna make a complete fool of yourself, you may as well give everyone a good view, right?

I think I might just go and find some custard and whipped cream and eat all my emotions until I stop feeling like this.

But honestly, I just can't do it anymore.

PS: I'm sorry fat fish, for thinking you were pregnant, when you were sick. I'm sorry I was so excited.

help meeh

I know you're hanging out for my blog (ok, maybe not), but I am so swamped with crapp right now, it's sort of impossible.

Stupid public speaking, why am I doing it anyway?

Oh, and if you guys want to help me, I will be ever thankful. My topic is "the truth hurts" so if you can give me some examples of situations when the truth hurts, yeah, that'd be good. Just throw some ideas at me.
ppplllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

ill blog maybe later (only if i finish my speech so HELP ME)

stress session

maybe i am pushing myself just a little too hard at the moment to get everything perfect, and to be perfect. but i feel like if i can just get things worked out into some sort of routine, the next 2 years will be a lot easier.

i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.

that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.

of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.

but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.

and life goes on.
...life always goes on.

(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))

But does it make me a bad person?

Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.

“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”

"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?

I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.

I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.

I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.

Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.

Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.

Break

Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages



Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.

After all of that, the part I hate most is that you told her first, instead of me.

Confession #11: I was not okay.

“Gravity doesn't exist. The Universe simply sucks.”

Someone is always better than you. – soulcages

I get it now.
Jealousy.
At least, I think that's what this it.
I mean, I'm no expert on the matter.
I just always thought it was an emotional pain.
But that's not true.
It's a physical pain.
It's where all of your joints lock up, and just laying down puts you in an unbelievable agony.
You can't feel your knees because of the pain running through each of them.
It's where your stomach feels like there are little bugs inside.
Slowly, eating away at everything inside.
Everything you have left.
And you feel empty.
It's where your back feels like it's been set on fire.
It's the pain that makes you lie awake at night, in your bed. Because sitting stil hurts.
So you sit up, and you rush through the thousand things you wish you could say.
Things that would make them understand how you feel.
And after a while, the pain stops.
Until you lay back down.
And allow it to consume you again.
Allow it to tear you apart from the seems again.


At least; I think that's jealousy.

Either that or I should really see a doctor.

Lonely.

Confession #73: I miss you more than I should. I dream about you more than I should. I love you more than I should. That's what people tell me. I disagree.

“If you get between me and the things I love, I will ask you politely to move.
If you get between me and the people I love, you will move.”

Talking to you makes me sane. – Poodahead

Ok, so I've been... basicallly, a bitch.... for the past few days now. I've been in the most feral mood ever. And I feel like venting. But, I'm not annoyed at anyone in particular. I just get really really angry REALLY easily.

I think it has something to do with my new years resolutions.
Because I said that I would not sleep until I'd done something good for someone else. Which totally conflicts with the resolution of Do things for myself, not anyone else. I'm trying so hard to do my one good thing (and let me tell you, I am totally on track with that) that I'm ignoring myself. And I'm not happy. I want to be happy.

So yeah, that's my whinge for the day. I have to take my dog to the vet (again) today. He has a weird lump near his tail. =S I will come back and whinge again later.

Terrified

I'm so sick of those early morning phone calls.
They all scare me.
The urgency in your voice.
How frantic you sound.
The fact that you don't want to talk to me, only him.
I always answer.
You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
But I doubt I ever will be.
People tell me you're overreacting.
But I know what it's like.
Sometimes they don't
But I've received those phone calls.
I can tell now.
I am terrified.

A plea

This is my 350th post. Yep, it's a big one, sort of. But I'm not writing it. Brady is. I want you to hear her story.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.


I love you guys, thanks for reading.

Chocolate

Confession #1:I'm not really ashamed of myself. I just know that you're ashamed of me. And that hurts.

"Love always find a path, if it doesn't, wasn't Love. "

"Fuck Prince Charming. Be my Spider-man?" – JustAFaceInTheCrowd

please don't be my spiderman. be my chocolate. and i will be your nintendo 64.

Today I am infinite.
I went a tiny little HUGE bit high this arvo after Prad's party.
What? Me? High? Never!
But yea, I was just alittle psycho.
Because I had this song stuck in my head.
And it made me think of you.
And thinking of you makes me smile.
And then I sneezed twice.
And then I just went nuts :L:L
I love you.



I have been trying to convince myself not to rant about you but OMGSH YOU ARE SUCH AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT. I mean, yeah, I like talking to you, sure. But not when you're like that! Because then I feel all bleh on the insides, and then I start questioning my moral fibre (ty hp), and then I go batshit crazy. And it's all because you feel the need to be such a bloody prick and mention things that you know make people feel uncomfortable, but that's why you do it. Because you're crazy and twisted, and want to see how people take it, and how they will react, and I gave you a positive reaction, sure, but I didn't get it.
...And I don't think anyone else even noticed.



SPEAKING of not noticing things.
What. The. Hell?
I can't believe that you are so coldhearted and selfabsorbed to not NOTICE. And worse than that, you told me off. You didn't give a shit, and THEN YOU TOLD ME OFF. Which just backs up my point and it makes me like you less, for not caring at all about me. But I feel GUILTY for liking you less. Because you make me feel like it's my fault that you don't care. And now I keep questioning myself EVERY SINGLE SECOND because I feel like I OWE YOU.
And you know what, you didn't even notice the TOTAL INEQUALITY let alone CARE. No one noticed. No one cared. I can't believe you're all such arseholes.



You are so bloody up yourself. I mean, seriously, you think you're some amazing popular intelligent person and that you deserve all this crap. And truthfully, you don't deserve it. Because quite frankly you're an idiot. And you piss people off. And your friends have started to bitch about you. Yeah, no kidding. And I can't help but join in...



I don't know what I'm supposed to do.




---


Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.

What about what I want?

Confession #17: Today I bought your friendship with a candy cane. And you still teased me, told me to shut up when I made the slightest sound, and called me an idiot at every possible opportunity. And I still understand why I wasted my life on you.

"Happiness or unhappiness is often a matter of choice."

"By the way, i miss you" – amy-k3s-u

Hello there sunshines, and welcome to today.
Yet another day of loneliness and confusion.
Because nothing's really changing, I guess.
And to be perfectly honest, I have nooo idea what's been going on in my head lately. Things are just weird.

(No Ebony, that's just you. You're weird.)

I feel like...
Everything I do is never going to actually be good enough.
Something's always gotta give.
I can't make everyone happy.
But everyone keeps asking me to.
Or else, they tell me they're sad when I'm not around.
Or they tell me they're lonely because I'm never there.
Or they tell me that they don't feel appreciated by me.
But I don't know what I can do.
I can't help you all.
And NONE of you are willing to make compromises for me.
I give you options and you act as if it's some great injustice that YOU have to compromise.
You all think you should be the most important.
YOU CAN'T ALL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT.
And slowly, and steadily, you're draining everything out of me.
And you all say "oh no, don't worry about me, I don't need anything out of you"
AND THEN YOU TELL ME OFF WHEN YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF ME.
I can't do this forever.
It's been so long already.
I'm slowly, steadily, falling apart.

Wish you were here,

Feeling girly

Confession#22: I hate it when you make everything about you. Some things are about me.

“I want to know exactly what makes you smile, and I want to know your problems. I want to know what days you’re waking up on the wrong side of the bed; I want to know how many pillows you sleep with. I want to know why you sleep with a window open. I want to know if I’m ever needed, if I’m good enough to keep you warm at night. I want to know if I even have a chance anymore. I want to know everything about you. I want to know your past, your future, you’re betweens. I want to know your favourite colors, the things you love, well basically everything. Because I love you.”

"Tell me that we belong together." – randomperson

I've spent so much time pretending that you don't affect me.
I'm not jealous of you... I don't think.
I'm not really sure actually, I don't know what jealousy feels like.
I just doubt that I'm a good person when you're around.
You who understand everyone and everything.
You, the naturally intelligent, naturally beautiful.
You with the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect life.
Will I ever compare to that?
When I stand next to you, can anyone even see me?



I know what it's like to live your life feeling like you're second best.
I know what it's like to need to impress everyone just so you can feel like you've beat HER, in at least one aspect.
I know what it's like to hear someone else tell you over and over how perfect SHE is. How pretty SHE is. How lucky SHE is.
I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep at night, because you'll never ever be as good as HER.
But I don't know what it's like to be her.



I'm not really sure where this whole post is coming from or what it means. I guess, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel second best to her. I told her, too, and she laughed at me, telling me how silly I was for feeling like that, but it only made me feel worse. I hate it when she laughs at me.

Even for me.

Confession #43: Okay, I admit it. I am PMSing. =S

"And although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid."

"Screw eloquence. Awkward moments radiate beauty." – theliterarybulimic

I am so sick of these bloody moodswings.
I keep changing for happy to bitchy to hormonal to depressed to self concious, all in a number of minutes.
AND IT IS PISSING ME OFF!



Sometimes life is just sad.
And sometimes you work so hard for something, and in the end, you don't even get what you want. And it's not just something you want, it's something you need. Something you're gonna learn to live without. And maybe that's what growing up is all about. Learning to live without the things that you need.



Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirty, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.



Yeah, actually, I do complain a lot. I'm ungrateful and whiney, and basically not worth it. But when we complain together, now that's something beautiful. All of you is beautiful. I love complaining about things with you because they don't suck anymore. You make everything stop sucking. You make everything beautiful. You made my bad day amazing. You are amazing.



I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...



And I think I'm slowly becoming that person I swore I never would.
The one who doesn't really give a damn about anyone other than herself.
Even the selfless things I do, I do them for selfish reasons.
And I hate who I'm becoming.
And I promised myself I'd change.
And I thought I was doing so well at that.
But turns out... I'm not.



Now imagine feeling all of those emotions in 30 seconds.
STUPID CRAPPY DAY!!!!!!
=S

ps: i love you