Complexities

"Let me submit to you that this is the actual definition of a good life. You want to be the kind of person who other people—people who may not even born yet—will think about in their own silences years from now at their own commencements... We may be taught that the people to admire and emulate are actors and musicians and sports heroes and professionally famous people, but when we look at the people who have helped us, the people who actually change actual lives, relatively few of them are publicly celebrated. We do not think of the money they had, but of their generosity. We do not think of how beautiful or powerful they were, but how willing they were to sacrifice for us—so willing, at times, that we might not have even noticed that they were making sacrifices."
John Green, Commencement Address at Butler University, 2013

A billion universes just wanting to be left alone

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with our friendship to joke that we were on a date. I'm just not sure if I feel that comfortable yet. Maybe I am distancing myself from you because I don't want you to get the wrong idea? A year ago I would have been willing to go along with all of it, but things have changed since then. People have changed since then.
I like that you think I'm an essential part of your life, and that you should take me with you everywhere; you should. I like to think that I could be the voice inside your head. What is it like in your head?

---

What is it like to be in any head besides my own? The realisation that other people have lives as vivid and complex and important as my own is one which it has taken a while to make. Perhaps it is a slow realisation for everyone because it is not how humans think, or how they should thinnk. The sense of self is an extremely important part of our species' evolution as it has taught us to prioritise our own lives and feelings and needs ahead of those of others, making the stronger of us dominant. Whilst this is an ideal condition, there is something to be said for empathy.
Which I suppose is the largest conflict in my head at the moment; the entire purpose of life, in a round-about sort of way. Do we want to better society or better understand society? Do we want to give a man a fish or teach him to fish? Do we want to catch a single fish by accident, or learn the art of fishing?
Or.. do we just want to eat meat?

Maybe my life would be easier if I didn't think it was all such a huge fucking metaphor.

Thank you and goodnight.

The future

"Oh I'll have to give you my number
I don't know if the stars will be this kind to me again"
And so you think it is the fate of the stars that brings you luck
I must tell you, that the fate is not within your stars, but in yourself
That you are every kindness you feel for the stars
That your every comforting word is the word of an angel.
And so we speak of our existential now
And who we are as a whole, not individuals
Isn't life funny? The way things go...
---
And I quietly beg you not to let me fade into the background of your life. I don't want to be the girl you met that time that you never saw again.
I'm not sure we can be friends how we used to be, things are different now. But I'd like to see you every now and then...
I'll miss telling you how silly you are.
I don't even know if I had a crush on you...
---
And on that day
The rain smelt of vegemite and twisties
And the way I used to kiss you
Like nothing else mattered
In my whole world
Because I had you and
You had me
And that's all we needed.
And the rain stops and I come back to reality, flirting with the idea of beig your friend.
But I don't have friends.
I don't even know what they are.
But my third best friend is an author that doesn't even know I exist.
What an affliction...
---
A withered past and a blurry future
My heart's on an auction, it goes out to the highest bid...

drink more. think less.

Bonus blog in the middle of my holiday, makes up for being slow with the posting...

"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows

"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham

"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."

I  was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.

There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?

I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!

Wait...

I always think it's going to be different. After I finish school, after I turn 18, after work, after Christmas; things will change. Maybe in the new year I'll be a new person with new priorities, maybe I'll do the things I've always wanted to do. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe the days keep rolling over, blending into each other. An endless haze of sleep and computer games. I'm waiting for the change that never comes. The eternal wait. I'm waiting on you.




















"I don't like goodbyes, I like see you next times. Even if next time doesn't come.
I like hope. Fruitless hope."

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I haven’t blogged in a while. I would say that I’ve been busy, but honestly, I’ve been living. Not excessively, like, I don’t have a life or anything, but, I’ve been talking to people for the first time in a while, which is really nice because I’m about hide in a hole for six weeks whilst I study for the death that is the HSC.

.
.
.

Food for thought:
"While the Thirty years War was heating up - a war that would lay waste to all of central Europe - this man was seeking peace, order, clarity and absolute, ultimate certainty about himself and the world. first, he established a rule that he would not consider anything true that could not be recognized clearly and distinctly. And he cast doubt on everything that could be open to doubt. He would not trust his eyes, nor any of his other senses; it was too easy to be led astray. He groped his way forward skeptically. Even thinking could not be relied on. Maybe an evil demon was distorting his thoughts. But wait - isn't there something that lies beyond any doubt? If I cast doubt on everything, he thought, I cannot doubt that I am doubting, and that I am the one doing the doubting. and if I know while doubting it is I who am doubting, i must be thinking that I doubt. There is thus an undoubtable certainty, a first principle that precedes all others: I think, therefore I am!"-Who Am I? And if so, how many? by Richard David Precht



I was living in your house and I was driving your car and I was living your life; the life you left behind. Did I appreciate it as much as you would? Do I appreciate the time I spend with your children? If you could be here now, what would you do? What would you say? If I could give it all back to you, I would. But I know you didn't want it anymore. You didn't want your life without her and I can understand that. Your devotion to each other was a beautiful thing to see, the way you would tell each other off and chase each other around; always joking but never too much. It would be nice to know someone that well, to be able to know what they want, what they think without ever having to ask. I miss your voice, I miss your smell. I miss you.



"We don't wanna sleep
Just wanna stay up
There's so much to say
And not enough hours in the day

We'll laugh 'til we cry
Read each others minds
Live with a smile
Make it all worthwhile" - Aly & AJ










I never thought of myself as one of the broken people. I never knew that I fit the description that I so obviously search for. I didn't realise that I was incapable of believing in happiness. It took you telling me today that I am only happy on the outside, it took me admitting that I don't believe I have the potential to be happy forever, for me to see that I'm not all sunshine and lollipops. And I want to be, I so want to be. I want to be so much that I've convinced myself I am. Turns out I've been lying to myself all along










"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

How Much I Want To Hold You

"Perhaps it is ridiculous to think that you'll never feel further than your nerve endings... but even I know that the best love letters lack form or shape, but are given in glances and gestures; the sad smile across the canopées; the tighter grip on your hand to keep the panic attack at bay."

This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:



"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three



“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson



"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "



And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.

I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.

And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.



"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"

Under my skin

You are right, and I know you are right as I walk away and your voice fades from my mind like a distant memory as I shush you with my constantly nodding head.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.

---

If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.

---

We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.

---

The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

---

I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
If you would come back, I might remember.

---

I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.

---

So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.

Merry Christmas

Ok, so I got some awesome Christmas gifts this year, as per usual. Mainly tyres for my car and a pandora bracelet, with one charm :L Oh yeah, and a boyfriend (sort of a christmas present? ask me if you want to know the story :L)



Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside



I've had an amazing epiphany of late, where I've realised that it's not all my fault. Everything that's wrong in my life isn't all my fault, and I'm not a bad person simply because bad things happen to me. I know that sounds stupid and simple, and perhaps it's an onver simplification of the revalation I have had. But I feel like I am not entirely responsible anymore.



Jessica: And what are you looking at?
Mickey: The fairest beauty that ever stood before the eyes of a man since Helen danced her willing way in the wondering woes of Troy
Jessica: It's only a gift of words that you shower me, but I have to say that they shine
Mickey: Oh you shine, princess, mine, you shine!



I miss the feeling, you know. I miss feeling like this. I miss music and movies and happiness and sadness and all the goo. I don't really like missing it, because it makes me feel all insecure and stuff, but then I guess that's normal. Nikki says I should be a stereotype, and that if there's any time to be lazy and selfish, it's when I'm 17. Dad says I'm selfless. I don't really know who I am, but I like that I'm figuring it out.



I'm the last straw on a camel's back away from saying those three words

Choose

Carl Barron: You know sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror, and you look good. You're like "You'd better go out today, Carl, you're looking good, how do you stay single?" and other days you're just like "GET FUCKED"

Far out, story of my life, except I have more Get fucked days than How do I stay single? days. This also works in other aspects of my life. Some days my Dad tells me I'm the most generous person he knows and I feel like I should love myself because I'm a pretty cool cat, and other days my english teacher tells me I'm the most insensitive person she's ever met, and I wonder how I can let myself become quite this terrible.



I'm so sick of life always being a balancing act, and someone always being annoyed at me, and me always being annoyed at me. And sitting here, not being able to figure out how to do my homework because lately I've been having a social life and some sleep. Sometimes I wonder what all of this is working towards anyway, which makes me question the purpose of life, and we all know that that never ends well.




Me: Do you think I would like me more if other people liked me more?
Paul: Probably
Me: I wish people liked me more
Paul: I'll always think you're awesome

I think my problem is that not enough people like me and that I'm a disappointment to most of the people I know. Of course, that's a bit of a cop out, because I know it's my fault for upsetting other people, but I think other people liking me would definitely be good.



I feel very happy at the moment. Everything is going well. Which means I'm bracing myself for diappointing. Isn't it funny, the way life works? When you're sad you think you'll always be sad, and when you're happy, you become sad that the happiness can never last. When do we truly get to be happy? Maybe we live for the perfect moments, even if we know it can only get worse. Maybe that happiness, and that knowledge is what it's all about.



And though admittedly all these moments are just in my head
I'll be thinking about them as I'm lying in bed
And I know that admittedly they might not even come true
But in my mind I'm having a pretty good time with you



I don't think people realise all the crap that's going on with me at the moment because I'm pretending that it doesn't effect me, and I was doing a good job too, and then things changed. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it, I don't know who I'm supposed to be. Sometimes life becomes so overly complicated that I just want to hide in a hole and read a book and go away from life. Because life is hard, and life hurts. And sadness can become so permanent, and happiness never does, and that pretty much sucks.



I got scars on my heart and they won't go away
Looking for someone to take them from me
Everybody knows I'm a little insane
Do you want me?

Smile because you can

Me: I miss him
Paul: Who's him? There's too many guys that I need to clarify
Me: Oh, you don't know this one
Paul: ...what's the girl version of a pimp?
Me: :(

Patrick: Your momma's so fat, if I pushed her in space, I would move an infinite distance away before she even got anywhere (Physics jokes FTW!)



I wish I could write this feeling like no one will ever read it. But people do read it, people I write about read it, people I write about read it and overanalyse it (ok, just the one :L)

In fact, I overanalyse it as well.
I look over it, and pull it apart and put it back together and try and figure out what it all means. What does it mean? What do I mean? How do I feel? And when did life get so damn complicated?



I miss feeling cared about. I think that's all this shit really is. I miss being hugged everyday simply because I told you I liked it. I miss laughing at nerd jokes with you, I miss buying you Christmas presents, and I miss receiving them from you. I don't miss you, I don't even really talk to you, even though I thought I would. But I miss the idea of having you in my life.



Paul: I am now accepting bff aplications, must:
*be there for me
*not lie, about anything
* Let me get to know you, everything about you, nothing left out
*Not judge me
please be my best friend
Me: I would like to apply
Paul: LOL ok
Me: My name is Ebony, and I'm a pretty good best friend, I think. You must let me steal study notes from you, and let me complain to you about boys, and not judge me for things I do when I'm pmsing
Paul: lol ok

So now Paulie is my best friend =) And I have his physics HSC paper to study from (thus fulfilling the first of his obligations)



I guess, sometimes, it's easier to smile than to cry or tell people how you really feel. When I tell people I don't feel like I have real friends anymore, I laugh. I guess, it's easier to say everything if you say it with a smile.



Talking about you makes me happier than I've been in a while. Talking to you makes me infinitely more happy. when I think of you, I'm not all jumbly anymore, I'm just me. Whoever that is. Whoever it is you talk to. Just having you in my life gives me reason to smile. Thanks for being here =)

Goodnight sunshines, I need to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight =)

No letters. Just bills.

You may not know it, but your distance and ignorance are slowly breaking my heart.
When i say “i’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying. - IWroteThisForYou

---

Sometimes I wonder where all my time goes. Because, seriously, I don't work all that often, just like, 8 hoursish a week. So then, where is all the time? And then I realise that I come home and do homework/study for about 4 hours every night. =S

---

And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me

---

And I used to have this thing that I wouldn't do schoolwork on Friday, cause I has the weekend. But now I reserve the weekend for work/family time. And my family does a lot of random socialising. So now I work really hard all week. And bludge all weekend. And feel guilty for bludging and eat chocolate. And then eat guilty for eating chocolate and eat a salad. And now my mum doesn't know why I keep buying salad, and I'm never hungry by dinner time.

---

“And I've always hated the way you would come into my life and arrange things in my heart room.

Then you left by the same door you came in as though nothing happened.

But nothing's the same anymore. I can't find my keys, my piece of mind, my reasons to live. You were here and you destroyed the peace that was me.

You looked on. You just look.” – howimissedyou

---

And I had a solution to the problem because I would just chew gum and I would get the flavours without the guilt because I wasn't eating. And then she came and said that chewing gum is bad because you stomach creates all these acids to digest the food and then you end up with extra acids, and my stomach is already too acidy from drinking too much juice and having screwed up genes, so all I can do is eat chocolate.

---

"Scars are good, I think, because they don't hurt anymore but they don't let you forget. They don't melt away into nothingness, they are merit badges, they are battle wounds that show you how far you've come." - CleverGirlGoesBlog

---

And I'm supposed to be studying physics as I write this, but physics is my least favourite subject to study because it's so hard. Which is weird, because I find the subject easy, just the study hard. So if you ask me to study legal, or chem I'll do it easily, but physics makes me want to bludge.

---

“We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.

And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.

No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.

No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.

No letters. Just bills.” - IWroteThisForYou (listofchanges)

---

And that's it. I'm gonna stop venting about how undedicated I am, and go and find a uni course for my sister (useful budging, promise) and then consider studying physics.

Live long and prosper,

Hope.

" You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

---

"Four hundred years ago, a well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone."

I am stepping in.



You are not alone.


...if you don't want to be.

Free falling

“You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.

You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.”

"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."



"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."

But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.



You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.

“You always believed what you saw. Until you learned to believe what you felt.

Do what you feel is right and you will always be doing the right thing."

Psychotic.

Confession#56: I love the smell of lynx and shaving cream. I think it’s because for as long as I can remember, my Dad has always smelt of lynx and shaving cream. But I love it when guys spray lynx at school, it makes me feel safe and happy.

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

"I am psychotic, love me regardless?" – warped reality

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

So... life.
Everything is spinning in my head at the moment. I know I should be doing more homework since I'm working tomorrow, but the prospect of thinking is giving me a headache and I think maybe I'm stressing myself out too much again.

"Every generalization is dangerous. Especially this one."

I think maybe that little fairytale of my life came about 2 years too late. Or at least, a year and a half. I think it could have been a fairytale, maybe, if you'd let me see what you showed everyone else. Why wait until today?

"Do not take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride."

I am a little bit over life and I would greatly appreciate a weekend around about now. As in, a weekend without work, without homework, without assignments, without 8 minute speeches, without studying. Just a weekend. Or just one day, if that's all there is.

"Life, n: A whim of several billion cells to be you for awhile."

I don't know where you are in your life, and I really would like to. I don't think we should be friends because I don't think we'd make good friends. But maybe pen pals, or something. Something where we just update each other on what's going on. Maybe I worry about you?

"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable."

Maybe the least you could do is tell me what the hell is going on with you.

"Age is a number, not a limitation."
~Brendon Urie.

It would've been nice if you said yes. I miss you, you know. But I think we're getting closer. That makes me happy.

"I doubt, therefore I might be."

What if this is it?
Is that okay? Or would you rather have something to live for?

"Alright, every band tells you to raise your middle finger, for fuck this, fuck that. But we think that's boring. We want you to hold up your ring finger, because there is someone out there in this world that wants to sleep next to you every night."
~Patrick Stump

Every word you say is like a captured melody. You're the character in the book that everyone listens to, you're the one who's always right. You're Dumbledore, Gandalf, House, Gibbs, Yoda. You're the guy we listen to. Because we know.

"if everybody who sees the ships dies
how do u know there is a ship"

I think I'm a difference person to who I was. I'm me now. I was never me before. I was a shadow of the person I could one day become. But I was not a person. I was merely an echo.

You think I'm insane because you can't hear the music. You can't hear the song I sing along to, the song I dance to. But it's there. Just look for it.

Goodbye sunshines.

Alone together =)

Confession#10: I forgot how much it hurt until I went back.
I dont think I can do it anymore.
Why do they get what I can't have?
How can I miss what I've never had?

"Imagine you are a sparrow. And you are sitting on the branch of a tree, looking out at the world. Would you worry why the sky was blue? Would you concern yourself with maths, or physics?"
"No, of course not."
"Why not?"
"Because it would be beyond the comprehension of my brain."
"So then, can you accept the fact that, as a man, there are things out there that are beyond the comprehension of your brain?"
"Well, if I couldn’t accept that, I would be a rather foolish man."

"I'm still in love with you" – dongbadong

It's funny how you go through the year and nothing seems to change but when you look back, everything is different. It's amazing that no matter how much we tell ourselves that we won't change for anyone, we always seem to.
And no matter how much we say we won't care what they think about us, it's the number one thing on our minds.
If you look at how I used to be and you look at me now, you'll realize I'm not the same girl I used to be.
All of this shit got to me.
I've always avoided fights.
I make jokes instead.
I tell people what they want to hear just to avoid confrontation.
I pretend to want things I don't want and I pretend not to want things I do want.
No one gets hurt except me.
The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want.
I just know I want it to be easy...


YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Walking through an empty house
Tears in my eyes
This is where the story ends
This is goodbye

"It feels like rain just ran down my face"

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

there comes a point when you get scared as well, when you want to stop dancing, but your feet move. and the music is so beautiful, and the tune is so catchy, that you can't help but continue the steps. and your mind says "are you crazy? you're dancing with the devil" and you say "but at least someone will dance with me"

live long and prosper.

Live it.

Confession #36: I've been waiting till today to cut my nails because my horoscope says if I cut them today I won't lose my vitality.

"You have the responsibility to not remain silent."

"Sometimes I lie without thinking first." – imissyoudearly



Welcome to tomorrow. The day where all your past mistakes are forgiven and your entire future is uncertain. You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday, you didn't really like them that much anyway. Today you get to be whoever you want to be. And you get to make some new mistakes. Mistakes that won't matter tomorrow.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

Sometimes, all you need, is someone to look you in the eye, and tell you you did the right thing. Someone to clap their hands, and tell you that they appreciated the effort they gave. So give too many compliments, but critise the parts of yourself you don't like. Strive, everyday to be a better you. To be the best you. Be who you want to be. Forget what everyone else wants. Live for you.

"You see this O'Malley? I make one mistake with this scalpel and this man's dead. My husband, he makes mistakes at his job all the time. As far as I know he's never killed anyone but I have. And YOU WILL. And Alex did. He made a math mistake and a man died for it. Run that past your accountant - see how he'd feel if every mistake he made, someone ended up dead. You don't have to like Alex, you don't have to care about him, but you damn well have to be on his side."

Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you miss them. Tell someone you can't stand the way they treat you. Leave someone. Find someone new. Stop putting up with crap, and demand better. Every day. Every day is allowed to be the best day. Today is the best day of your life. You just have to believe it.

FearLess

Confession #27: Sometimes, I tell myself off for missing you. Then I realise that it's ok to miss you. People will leave; it's allowed to hurt me.

"If you believe in a god and you are correct, you will become an eternal moment of radiance. If you don’t believe in a god, and a benevolent god exists, the same applies.
If there is no god, and we are alone on this spinning ball, then you will return to the earth and slowly become a part of everything. Every breath. Every tree. Every flower. Every cloud.
Every word.
You never need to be afraid."

"i told you the truth. scared?" – cornn

No muscle bound man,
Could take my hand,
From my guy.
No handsome face,
Could ever take the place,
Of my guy,
He may not be a movie star,
But when it comes to being happy,
We are,
There's not a man today,
Who can take me away,
From my guy.

Sometimes,
all you really need
is someone to tell you that
everything is going to be okay.
And I can tell you from experience;
everything
really
is
going
to
be
okay.
You have nothing to fear.

You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Look at me. I'm happy. I'm... me. I like me. I actually like me. You'd be so proud of me right now. I know you are. I know you're watching me and my life, I know you're there to help me when I have to make decisions. I know you're there, and you're proud. Because I'm me. And I'm proud of me too.

"A wise man once said – “You can have anything in life if you’re willing to sacrifice everything else for it.” What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose. Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick sides….or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

But, see, here's the thing. It doesn't matter. None of it. Nothing matters. We all secretly know that everything is going to be okay. That we have a certain destiny, and, one way or another, we're going to get there. Maybe it will take us a while. Maybe, we'll get a little stuck on the way, and we'll have to ask for directions. But we'll get there. We'll all get there someday. So it doesn't matter.

But does it make me a bad person?

Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.

“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”

"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?

I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.

I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.

I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.

Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.

Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.

OMG! AMY'S BACK!

Confession #55: However immature, and worthless it was; it existed. And I can't just forget that.

"I feel like shit. But at least I feel something"

"I over analyze. Therefore, I am." – small.still on a search

All you need is love.
And blogs.
And as I have been offline (=O) for a few weeks, I have had a few blogs to catch up on.
And I thought I'd share the beauty of some of them with you.

STORM by "Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
( Teaser: "Love is what a rainbow sounds like, when it refuses to fear the storm.") (This blog is beautiful guys you HAVE to go read!!)

THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET OFF by "I Wrote This For You"
(Teaser: "You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.")

SLEEP by Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
(Teaser: " You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.") (Ah, but at the end of the day, there are parts of the dance that make it worth it, aren't there?)

I'LL WATCH THE SUNRISE WITH YOU by "Confessions of a Candyhol!c"
(Teaser: "Piglet: "How do you spell love? Pooh: "You don't spell it, you feel it."")

ON BSG, MICHAEL BOLTON & A LITTLE TEAM CALLED THE COLTS by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "I took this week off from blogging. I’m pretty sure the responsible thing to do is to let people know you are taking time off, rather than drop off the blogging universe") (Sound like me, anyone?)

TELL ME I'M NORMAL by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a robot.") (Yes, Brandy, you're totally normal!)

Her man is one I admire
He's so courageous but he's constantly tired
Each time when he speaks his mind
She pats his head and says, "That's all very fine
Exert that will of your own
When you're alone
Now we'd better hurry"
And with no trace of hesitation she keeps going

Head over heels
Breaking her way
Pushing through unknown jungles every day
She's a girl with a taste for the world

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

...Responsibility, it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Maybe if I just continue to steal blog material from other sources, I'll never have to think for myself. And I'll never have to talk about how I feel; admit to myself everything that's wrong.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm currently happier than ever in my life before; I'm just a whinger (wow, and a big fan of semi-colons today). So I, naturally, find things to whinge about. Well, the voice in my head likes to tell me everything that's not good about me and my life, and remind me of stupid things I really don't need reminding of.

Life is a little sunshine and lollipops at the moment. Which is pretty fantabulous. Except, well, little things that I can't really mention. Things that are pretty stupid because I mean like, honestly, it was pretty obvious, wasn't it? And there used to a day when you'd actually notice that sort of stuff but I guess that day has just passed for you.

Not that I'm bitching.... or anything... <>

Not too long ago, on smithteens, we made a list of 100 reasons to smile, which sorta turned into 369 reasons to smile. So now, I'm just going to share a few of them with you. Just in case you need to smile.

13. Drawing something and having it turn out well
55. Air guitar in your underwear when everyone's asleep.
75. Jumping into the ocean with your clothes on
99. Hitting the button to cross the walk multiple times
111. When your hair decides not to do some funky thing.
122. Offering the police some donuts
137. When you suddenly look nice one morning and you have no idea why.
181. Lightsabers
200. Geeky pickup lines
217. When your friends notice something’s wrong
228. Listening to a song that speaks to your soul
279. The perfect pair of jeans
323. Stickers
357. Guys who do really girly things
367. Realizing you never completely gave up on yourself.

So, yeah, I've only been writing for 2 hours, haha. I'm gonna publish this.
Smile.
Ebony loves you!

Reflection

My family celebrated Chrstimas yesterday, so today is just another day to me.
But have a great Christmas guys, and come read this tomorrow.

Confession #44: I want to go back in time and do better. I want to make you happier. You were always so sad, and I didn't know what to do.

"I sat on my floor this evening and stared at myself. I have no idea who was looking back at me and it was the most terrifying thing I have ever encountered"

When I'm alone, I rarely smile. – palefacelace

The scary thing is, that quote is true.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror,

and I didn't recognise the face looking back.

And it's not because I don't know who I am,

it is because I have spent so long afraid of mirrors, and cameras.

That I have no idea what I look like.

And that terrifies me.

You’re all tangled up in other people.

Their worries have become your worries.

Their expectations of you have become

the expectations you have for yourself.

Their dreams are slowly turning into your nightmares.

“I have this fear that one day you’ll finally get a good look at me and

I’m going to disappoint you, cause you’ll see that I’m not as strong or as good as you think I am,

and I’m afraid that it will change the way you think about me.”

I was always waiting...