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Confession #24: Your words of love for her were worse than any words of hate for me could ever be.

“Sometimes you just need to cry and be sad.

You need to break down and be torn apart.

You need to learn how to pick yourself up and put yourself back together.

Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first.”

"Sorry I'm not what you expected" – theatergirl345

So, it's been a week. A terrible week, actually. And yet, a beautiful week. But I haven't blogged. And yes, I feel bad. But at the same time, I'm glad you guys don't know what was going on in my head throughout the week.

I don't think I'm okay. And I don't think I'm going to be okay. Everything is just too hard. And I'm so used to just ignoring my problems until they go away that I don't know how to deal with things. And it's not going away.



I think I'm actually genuinely surprised that it's not going away. It always used to. Ignoring it was fine.

I mean, when you think about; shit is always going to work out.
It's a rule of the universe.
You can either get through it, or you die.
And 99% of the time, you get through it.
So I expected it to all work out in the end.

Maybe I still am.



And I tell people that crap is getting to me, and they nod knowingly. But they don't know. They just think they know. They just try to be there for me. And, I appreciate that, sure. But, it's not enough. I need someone to sit down with the rulebook to life, and let me flick through the pages. I need to know what the next step is.

So here's to hoping it just blows over.

Alone together =)

Confession#10: I forgot how much it hurt until I went back.
I dont think I can do it anymore.
Why do they get what I can't have?
How can I miss what I've never had?

"Imagine you are a sparrow. And you are sitting on the branch of a tree, looking out at the world. Would you worry why the sky was blue? Would you concern yourself with maths, or physics?"
"No, of course not."
"Why not?"
"Because it would be beyond the comprehension of my brain."
"So then, can you accept the fact that, as a man, there are things out there that are beyond the comprehension of your brain?"
"Well, if I couldn’t accept that, I would be a rather foolish man."

"I'm still in love with you" – dongbadong

It's funny how you go through the year and nothing seems to change but when you look back, everything is different. It's amazing that no matter how much we tell ourselves that we won't change for anyone, we always seem to.
And no matter how much we say we won't care what they think about us, it's the number one thing on our minds.
If you look at how I used to be and you look at me now, you'll realize I'm not the same girl I used to be.
All of this shit got to me.
I've always avoided fights.
I make jokes instead.
I tell people what they want to hear just to avoid confrontation.
I pretend to want things I don't want and I pretend not to want things I do want.
No one gets hurt except me.
The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want.
I just know I want it to be easy...


YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Walking through an empty house
Tears in my eyes
This is where the story ends
This is goodbye

"It feels like rain just ran down my face"

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

there comes a point when you get scared as well, when you want to stop dancing, but your feet move. and the music is so beautiful, and the tune is so catchy, that you can't help but continue the steps. and your mind says "are you crazy? you're dancing with the devil" and you say "but at least someone will dance with me"

live long and prosper.

I ate an apple

There's no way I haven't blogged for 3 days.
Se impossible.

Confession #8: I still wonder how different my life would be if I had said "yes". I think I like it better like this though.

“A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.”

"Let's live like today never happened." – imissyoutoo

This is it.
This is today.
Today is so different from yesterday.
Today, the sun rose.
Today, the sun set.
Today, I cut my finger.
Today, I ate an apple.
Today, I went to work.
Today, I helped a friend.
Today, I made a friend.
Today, I warmed someone's heart.
Today, I was lonely.
Today, I was never alone.
Today, I felt beautiful.
Because today, I was me.

And tomorrow, I will wake up and do it all again.
Happy today sunshines.

Step by step guide to life.

A typical day in my life:

6:30am - Wake up. Glad I don't have to be at school for offline but a little bummed about not driving to school.
7:37am - Leave the house and start walking to Hunaiza's
8:08am - Catch train, and terrorise juniors.
8:15am - Arrive at school and talk to people. Realise I left my diary and maths text book at home.
8:40am - Go to role call and vent issues to Ian.
8:55am - Arrive at English with my King Lear book in my locker, and my postit notes MIA.
9:37am - Go to maths without textbook. Vent about frustrations in life to Rhoda.
10:28am - walk out to recess feeling knowledgefull
10:54am - Go to legal studies and find out we have a test on Thursday
11:45am - Go to modern and find out we have a test on Friday (write tests on hand because I don't have diary)
12:31pm - Join Victor's group then mine at lunch. Eat. Smile.
1:00pm - Stop 4 poverty.
1:03pm - Resume movement
1:13pm - Go to physics with Amy and Victor. Take luvos =)
2:04pm - Go to chemistry and be told "if you can do this you can do anything". Make several jokes.
2:55pm - Go home.
3:15pm - Visit Mum at work. Then resume walking home.
3:30pm - Get on computer, read everyone's blogs. Pull out things to study.
4:00pm - Eat.
4:15pm - Study for modern, whilst on msn
6:10pm - Victor rings. Talk to him until mum gets home
6:45pm - Mum gets home. Talk to her until Dad gets home.
7:10pm - Dad gets home. Ask him to go for a driving lesson. Stupidly volunteer self to cook dinner.
7:45pm - Go for a drive. Park at Holsworthy station, Feel cool. Realise blinkers don't work, Feel uncool.
8:40pm - Return home and brag about epic parking skills.
8:45pm - Cook dinner whilst doing maths homework.
9:15pm - Eat dinner whilst doing maths homework (and writing about day)
9:30pm - Start actually homeworking
10:00pm - Get pissed off because I have to get up early tomorrow and don't have time to study for legal.


And that was my day.
Goodnight all.

Live it.

Confession #36: I've been waiting till today to cut my nails because my horoscope says if I cut them today I won't lose my vitality.

"You have the responsibility to not remain silent."

"Sometimes I lie without thinking first." – imissyoudearly



Welcome to tomorrow. The day where all your past mistakes are forgiven and your entire future is uncertain. You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday, you didn't really like them that much anyway. Today you get to be whoever you want to be. And you get to make some new mistakes. Mistakes that won't matter tomorrow.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

Sometimes, all you need, is someone to look you in the eye, and tell you you did the right thing. Someone to clap their hands, and tell you that they appreciated the effort they gave. So give too many compliments, but critise the parts of yourself you don't like. Strive, everyday to be a better you. To be the best you. Be who you want to be. Forget what everyone else wants. Live for you.

"You see this O'Malley? I make one mistake with this scalpel and this man's dead. My husband, he makes mistakes at his job all the time. As far as I know he's never killed anyone but I have. And YOU WILL. And Alex did. He made a math mistake and a man died for it. Run that past your accountant - see how he'd feel if every mistake he made, someone ended up dead. You don't have to like Alex, you don't have to care about him, but you damn well have to be on his side."

Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you miss them. Tell someone you can't stand the way they treat you. Leave someone. Find someone new. Stop putting up with crap, and demand better. Every day. Every day is allowed to be the best day. Today is the best day of your life. You just have to believe it.

FearLess

Confession #27: Sometimes, I tell myself off for missing you. Then I realise that it's ok to miss you. People will leave; it's allowed to hurt me.

"If you believe in a god and you are correct, you will become an eternal moment of radiance. If you don’t believe in a god, and a benevolent god exists, the same applies.
If there is no god, and we are alone on this spinning ball, then you will return to the earth and slowly become a part of everything. Every breath. Every tree. Every flower. Every cloud.
Every word.
You never need to be afraid."

"i told you the truth. scared?" – cornn

No muscle bound man,
Could take my hand,
From my guy.
No handsome face,
Could ever take the place,
Of my guy,
He may not be a movie star,
But when it comes to being happy,
We are,
There's not a man today,
Who can take me away,
From my guy.

Sometimes,
all you really need
is someone to tell you that
everything is going to be okay.
And I can tell you from experience;
everything
really
is
going
to
be
okay.
You have nothing to fear.

You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Look at me. I'm happy. I'm... me. I like me. I actually like me. You'd be so proud of me right now. I know you are. I know you're watching me and my life, I know you're there to help me when I have to make decisions. I know you're there, and you're proud. Because I'm me. And I'm proud of me too.

"A wise man once said – “You can have anything in life if you’re willing to sacrifice everything else for it.” What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose. Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick sides….or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

But, see, here's the thing. It doesn't matter. None of it. Nothing matters. We all secretly know that everything is going to be okay. That we have a certain destiny, and, one way or another, we're going to get there. Maybe it will take us a while. Maybe, we'll get a little stuck on the way, and we'll have to ask for directions. But we'll get there. We'll all get there someday. So it doesn't matter.

But does it make me a bad person?

Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.

“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”

"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?

I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.

I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.

I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.

Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.

Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.

OMG! AMY'S BACK!

Confession #55: However immature, and worthless it was; it existed. And I can't just forget that.

"I feel like shit. But at least I feel something"

"I over analyze. Therefore, I am." – small.still on a search

All you need is love.
And blogs.
And as I have been offline (=O) for a few weeks, I have had a few blogs to catch up on.
And I thought I'd share the beauty of some of them with you.

STORM by "Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
( Teaser: "Love is what a rainbow sounds like, when it refuses to fear the storm.") (This blog is beautiful guys you HAVE to go read!!)

THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET OFF by "I Wrote This For You"
(Teaser: "You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.")

SLEEP by Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
(Teaser: " You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.") (Ah, but at the end of the day, there are parts of the dance that make it worth it, aren't there?)

I'LL WATCH THE SUNRISE WITH YOU by "Confessions of a Candyhol!c"
(Teaser: "Piglet: "How do you spell love? Pooh: "You don't spell it, you feel it."")

ON BSG, MICHAEL BOLTON & A LITTLE TEAM CALLED THE COLTS by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "I took this week off from blogging. I’m pretty sure the responsible thing to do is to let people know you are taking time off, rather than drop off the blogging universe") (Sound like me, anyone?)

TELL ME I'M NORMAL by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a robot.") (Yes, Brandy, you're totally normal!)

Her man is one I admire
He's so courageous but he's constantly tired
Each time when he speaks his mind
She pats his head and says, "That's all very fine
Exert that will of your own
When you're alone
Now we'd better hurry"
And with no trace of hesitation she keeps going

Head over heels
Breaking her way
Pushing through unknown jungles every day
She's a girl with a taste for the world

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

...Responsibility, it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Maybe if I just continue to steal blog material from other sources, I'll never have to think for myself. And I'll never have to talk about how I feel; admit to myself everything that's wrong.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm currently happier than ever in my life before; I'm just a whinger (wow, and a big fan of semi-colons today). So I, naturally, find things to whinge about. Well, the voice in my head likes to tell me everything that's not good about me and my life, and remind me of stupid things I really don't need reminding of.

Life is a little sunshine and lollipops at the moment. Which is pretty fantabulous. Except, well, little things that I can't really mention. Things that are pretty stupid because I mean like, honestly, it was pretty obvious, wasn't it? And there used to a day when you'd actually notice that sort of stuff but I guess that day has just passed for you.

Not that I'm bitching.... or anything... <>

Not too long ago, on smithteens, we made a list of 100 reasons to smile, which sorta turned into 369 reasons to smile. So now, I'm just going to share a few of them with you. Just in case you need to smile.

13. Drawing something and having it turn out well
55. Air guitar in your underwear when everyone's asleep.
75. Jumping into the ocean with your clothes on
99. Hitting the button to cross the walk multiple times
111. When your hair decides not to do some funky thing.
122. Offering the police some donuts
137. When you suddenly look nice one morning and you have no idea why.
181. Lightsabers
200. Geeky pickup lines
217. When your friends notice something’s wrong
228. Listening to a song that speaks to your soul
279. The perfect pair of jeans
323. Stickers
357. Guys who do really girly things
367. Realizing you never completely gave up on yourself.

So, yeah, I've only been writing for 2 hours, haha. I'm gonna publish this.
Smile.
Ebony loves you!

OMG! I'm Back!

Confession: I’ve been reading my horoscope book all day, and I’m scared by how well it knows me.

“She’s coming over like a suicide
And it’s the same old trip
The same old trip as before
Another complicating suicide
And it’s the same old trip
The same old trip as before”

So, yeah, if you’ve noticed, I’ve been a little MIA lately, what with my Internet being totally used up and intolerable. Which is sort of annoying. But yeah.

I’ve had a good chance to study :L (I KNOW we’ve only been at school for a week, but I actually enjoy studying so leave me alone =P)

Because, well, we have half yearlys in week one next term, but I’m going to hat head for the last week of the holidays, and anna’s going to be here for the first week (I sent you a letter today anna!) so I don’t really have time to write notes, just to study, so I’m gonna write notes all through term. Sound like fun? Indeed.

Meredith: [about her new roommates, George and Izzie] They're everywhere. All the time. Izzie's all perky and George does this thing where he's helpful and considerate. They share food, and they say things, and they move things, and they breathe. Ugh, they're like, happy.
Cristina: Kick them out.
Meredith: I can't kick them out, they just moved in. I asked them to move in.
Cristina: So what, you're just going to repress everything in some deep, dark, twisted place until one day you snap and you kill them?
Meredith: Yep.
Cristina: This is why we are friends.

I am almost cool enough to drive to school (awesomosity isn’t your problem Ebony). So I should be driving on Friday to offline xD. I drove to school on Sunday (yes, it was Sunday, get over it), and apparently I’m always too far to the left of my lane, but dude, if I don’t hit anything, what’s the problem? And then Dad’s all, yeah, you can drive on Wednesday that’s all cool. And then at 10:30 last night he said “oh wait, I have a meeting tomorrow, I have to be at the office by 9, I can’t take you to school”
whatEVER Dad!
We all know you’re avoiding it.
Like last Friday (“oh, it’s the M4 interchange I’ve been invited to a breakfast where we take the M4 off ___insert company____ so we can take the toll off”)
whatEVER Dad!

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

So yeah, I should probably get back to like, maths homework and stuff . (Since I think the answer should be zero, and, well, it's definately not...)

Hopefully all of that will make up for not blogging in ages.