On Echo Chambers

The world is full of people who agree and disagree with you. And me. There are millions of people on both sides. But we don't like to think about the people who disagree with us, we like to think that those people are stupid and that we wouldn't bother ourselves with people like that. We like to laugh at the idea of them from afar, without engaging in their debate.

And the internet has become another place for us to surround ourselves with others of our own opinions. We follow facebook pages of political parties and comedians and scientific groups and all sorts of communities that share our ideals. So we can point and laugh at The Other and how silly they must be for their opinions. We unfriend the people who disagree with us until we are sitting in an echo chamber; screaming at people who agree with us.

Because it's nicer to say something and hear "yes! you're right! that's true!" than to hear "well actually I disagree, I don't think that makes sense". So that's what comes up in our newsfeed. People who agree with us. Our social media pages become an echo of the thoughts in our head. They make us feel comfortable and content.



After the Vegas shooting (and oh gosh, I hope when you read this the world has not reached a point where we say "which Vegas shooting?"), my newsfeed changed. I started seeing pages from pro-gun people. I started seeing arguments I'd never heard before. I started to understand why they thought they were being logical. They laughed at anti-gun people just the same. They mocked them - pointed out flaws in their logic. And of course, there are always flaws.

I wonder if Facebook made this choice. If I was some pawn in their game, trying to determine whether my viewing habits changed from this. Or if it was just a mistake in the algorithm. Too many of my friends liking and commenting on these pages that they thought showing them to me was a good idea.

I wonder if it changed the way I converse with these people. I wonder if it made me more tolerant or helped me search for compromise.

I wonder if realising the racism of so many of my friends and family members makes me more tolerant of those people. Or does it make me less tolerant?

I wonder if hearing my family discussing at the dinner table the idea that it's perfectly ok to assault someone if they assault you first will make me a more hateful person or a more accepting person.


...I just want to go back to my echo chamber. Where there is always someone who knows the answer. Where there is wisdom to defer to.

Please let me go back.

Having me back.

You say that I make you sound like superman but the truth is that you do feel like a hero to me. For so long I had to be the hero and it was so exhausting and staying on top of everything was so hard. And now I have you. You with your superhero cape. You with all your annoying habits. I feel like I can only be me when I'm with you. And I missed me. It's nice to have me back.

And now I'm an Adult with Responsibility and I have to do everything myself and buy everything myself. And I am so unbelievably happy. I haven't had a sad thought in a month. I thought I'd been making excuses for being miserable for so long but it turns out my excuses were valid. I don't have to be miserable anymore. I don't have to hate every day. It feels like a giant weight has been lifted... Like coming up for air. And I'd been drowning for so long I barely remembered what air was.

Update on Life

I'm going to try and write a post that's not a giant metaphor.

Life is good and school is good and I'm happy to go to work every day and I'm happy to come home every day and that's good. I get home and I hate home and I go and do work to distract myself and then I can't switch off from work and then I'm up at midnight crying uncontrollable and laughing hysterically simultaneously and I know that something is wrong but I don't know what it is.

And then the holidays come and I get a break and I colour in and then I injure my wrist and I can't write for a week and this is why I can't have nice things. I go and look at houses and talk to important financial people and plan for a life where I don't have to avoid home or eat dinner at 8:30 or do the things I don't want to do. That life is so close I can taste it. It tastes like food I've chosen. Like a high vegetable to meat ratio.

So I feel guilty for every dollar I spend that puts the Happy Life off by another 2.4 seconds. I feel guilty when I buy a nice dress to wear to my awards ceremony at uni or a $4 lipstick or the tank of petrol I need to drive a friend home. And then I make lists and budgets and spreadsheets and I track every cent and I classify everything in my crazy categories and I keep my job at Coles to justify buying my membership with the dragons. And the lists work. The budget eases the guilt. My whole life is easing guilt.

But I need a hobby that can keep me sufficiently distracted from work that I only question my mental health every other day. The only problem is that I don't like doing anything and I never have. I have never held a hobby for longer than about twelve months. And all the suggestions I get are impractical or unappealing. No thank you I don't want to participate in a team sport the only thing worse than sport is teams. Sorry I don't have any land but I would love to start a veggie patch. No I can't do anything involving writing or colouring or even using a computer to be honest because the pain in my wrist is always unbearable.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life but at least I have a vague direction and I'm getting all the career opportunities I want and I can afford to buy my own home which is becoming increasingly rare in my generation so I'm not here to complain. This is just what my life is now. This is what I've worked for unwavering for as many years as I can remember. This is why I studied and worked instead of every going anywhere or seeing anyone. It's nearly time for me to set some new goals. How exciting.

Best friends

The nights we stay up late talking are my favourite kind of nights; sharing everything with each other, even the things we're ashamed of and the things we thought we wouldn't tell. Sometimes it makes me so happy I can't feel it any more. Sometimes you make me scared I'll never be that happy again. But you take away the numbness and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Thanks for being my best friend ever. Thanks for staying up just in case I need to text you, even when I'm out with friends. Thanks for holding my hand when I'm so sad and stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thanks for listening to me freaking out about everything and letting me cry. I can't tell you how lost I would be without you.







Man it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

Choosing Happy

For so long I thought I had fucked everything up and that I would never get another chance again or that I would never be allowed happiness or deserve happiness or that fixing things depended on other people or that being around the people with good lives would improve my life or make me more deserving of a good life but I don't think that's true anymore. Yeah, I've made some mistakes but they've been the mistakes that led me here. They are things I should have said or things I should have done but I'm ok with not having done them. I thought maybe the problem was me but the truth is I was hanging around people who were willing to hurt me and although I may have chosen to talk to those people, I did not choose to get hurt, and I cannot have expected to see it coming. Yes, things could have been different if I made different choices but I'm ok with being where I am. And I don't let people hurt me anymore. And that is a lot tougher than it sounds, and it means I've pushed away some close friends and even family members for just saying the wrong thing, but I think I've made the right decisions.

For so long I thought it would be impossible to be happy, but now I realise that happiness is in the choices I make every day. And I choose to be happy. Yeah, I'm stressed, but I'm also happy. I'm glad I am where I am now and I'm glad I made the sacrifices that led to this moment. Because I believe that I deserve it. And I believe everyone deserves it. Ans if there are people interfering with your happiness, you have to let them go, even if it's hard, even if it's forever.

Stresses, and things

So stresses, and things.
Because there are days when you get in your car and drive down the driveway and there is water falling from your face and you don't know why.
Or maybe you do know why on some deep level but you can't reach that level because there's all this stuff in the way.
And you've been telling yourself for so long that you're happy, you've been happy for so long.
And exams aren't stressful, are they Ebony? And you enjoy them. And you can't wait for that moment of relief as you walk into the exam room and you can almost convince yourself that that moment can come a week early.

And I don't know if that's it, I don't know if that's the reason why I feel like this.
Once my exams are over will I still feel like this?
Or will I be happy again?
Is that what happy is? Is that what happy does?

I don't know what I'm doing, why am I up all night looking at stupid random crap on the internet and not caring about... things? What is so amazing about my neopets?

I'm procrastinating like my holidays have come early and then freaking out about my exams but then every time I go to study, I know all the things... So I feel like I don't have to study?

And I don't know. I feel weird and crappy and stressy and I do this to myself all the time.
I like stress, stress makes me work.
Until the point where I can't any more.
And I don't see the point coming.
And I think I can keep going on like this forever.
Living for the future instead of for now.
Is that what I'm doing?
Sometimes it feels like it.
Living for after exams, or after uni, or after... something.

And I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore.
I promised I would live in the now.
But there's so many things in the now.
And all I want is hot chocolate and a warm bed and some freaking neopets.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

I just want to be happy.

the worth of anything

I don't want to be the person that bugs you to talk to me anymore, that saves our conversation from peril. You aren't that important. I would rather play with my neopets.

And I've realised that maybe I made the wrong decision with you and I should have given you more of a chance. I just can't do this forever. At some point, enough is enough.

I'm sorry for getting angry at you but I'm more that you didn't care. You never care. You get pissed off, but you don't care. For once in your goddamn life, give a fuck about someone else.

"Don't be humble. You're not important enough."
I like that. I like it a lot.

And I don't know if you're modest or crazy. Maybe I just want to be you...

So you say "it's a date" and he says "no it's not it's an appointment"...

Maybe all our loneliness is just an illusion
And I could say the same about our happiness...

Sometimes life does something utterly amazing like give you a book or introduce you to someone and it's like the planets have alligned for you.
But I do take this as an indicator of what should be.
An extension on an assignment doesn't mean you leave it to the last minute...
A conversation with a friend doesn't mean you stop living your own life.

How can I be there for you when I'm so busy being there for myself?

How can anything be worth anything if it lasts forever?

Social Butterfly

So I was discussing life and the deeper parts of the universe with someone the other day (as you do) and it came up that I consider myself anti-social.

You may process that for a moment.

You see, when I am with other people, I am friendly and I am outgoing and I make an effort to meet people, talk to people, help people. I make an effort to be present.
But when people aren't there in person, I make no effort whatsoever.
I see my high school friends at birthdays if I'm lucky.
I never see my uni friends except for uni.
Hell, I barely see my dad.
Even the people I have classes with now, I don't talk to them except about uni work.

I don't talk to people.
I don't like people.
I am antisocial.

Such a weird realisation, isn't it?

I mean, I'm the person who gets excited when plans get cancelled.
And I thought that that was laziness.
But it's not.
I just don't like people.
I don't like hanging out with people.

I think, I like practical things too much.
I like discussing uni work with people.
I like teaching people.
I like discussing my thoughts on society with the Australian Nerdfighter group.
I don't like actually maintaining relationships.
So much effort.

Have a good day,

Complexities

"Let me submit to you that this is the actual definition of a good life. You want to be the kind of person who other people—people who may not even born yet—will think about in their own silences years from now at their own commencements... We may be taught that the people to admire and emulate are actors and musicians and sports heroes and professionally famous people, but when we look at the people who have helped us, the people who actually change actual lives, relatively few of them are publicly celebrated. We do not think of the money they had, but of their generosity. We do not think of how beautiful or powerful they were, but how willing they were to sacrifice for us—so willing, at times, that we might not have even noticed that they were making sacrifices."
John Green, Commencement Address at Butler University, 2013

A billion universes just wanting to be left alone

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with our friendship to joke that we were on a date. I'm just not sure if I feel that comfortable yet. Maybe I am distancing myself from you because I don't want you to get the wrong idea? A year ago I would have been willing to go along with all of it, but things have changed since then. People have changed since then.
I like that you think I'm an essential part of your life, and that you should take me with you everywhere; you should. I like to think that I could be the voice inside your head. What is it like in your head?

---

What is it like to be in any head besides my own? The realisation that other people have lives as vivid and complex and important as my own is one which it has taken a while to make. Perhaps it is a slow realisation for everyone because it is not how humans think, or how they should thinnk. The sense of self is an extremely important part of our species' evolution as it has taught us to prioritise our own lives and feelings and needs ahead of those of others, making the stronger of us dominant. Whilst this is an ideal condition, there is something to be said for empathy.
Which I suppose is the largest conflict in my head at the moment; the entire purpose of life, in a round-about sort of way. Do we want to better society or better understand society? Do we want to give a man a fish or teach him to fish? Do we want to catch a single fish by accident, or learn the art of fishing?
Or.. do we just want to eat meat?

Maybe my life would be easier if I didn't think it was all such a huge fucking metaphor.

Thank you and goodnight.

Time is never spare

Just quickly blogging because I have a little bit of spare time before bed.
I'm pretty excited for easter this year, I've bought both my presents awesome chocolate, and having been sharing eggs with everyone at uni. It feels good. :-)
I also love the idea of a few days off to uni to breathe and get ahead and study for exams that are on as soon as we get back.
I'm kind of a bit over people lately... Some people are so pretentious or mean or hypocritical and I don't want to point it out but I don't want to deal with their crap either. I mean, the bullshit isn't as bad at uni as it was it school, but it's still bullshit. I kind of just want to get out of uni, get a job, and get on with my life.
And speaking of getting on with my life, I want to get on with it with you. Two years on and I still get butterflies when you cuddle up to my neck on the way home. The light hitting your eyes still makes my heart skip a beat, and sometimes you look so beautiful I can't help but kiss you. I joke that if I help you with uni, you owe me your career and have to buy me a puppy, but I truly hope that you stay with me long enough to buy a house and a dog and do all the things we dream of doing.
Good night! Happy easter! Go and stuff your faces with chocolate

Headspace

Another bonus plog for being slack... because I promised Damian

I’ve decided that when I have $2000 in my change jar (or however much it costs to get a return ticket to Spain), I am coming back here. It makes me so sad that I have this incredible family that I’m not going to see for years and years. Everyone is so lovely, but their lives are so hard, and most can’t afford to visit Australia. Unemployment is crazy high here and everyone’s worried about their kids and their futures… but everyone is still so nice and they take us out to dinner and buy us lollies and show us the sites. They can’t afford anything, but what they have, they share and it’s like a completely different meaning to family to what I’ve seen before. Maybe Australians are greedy or maybe our culture is just different, but whatever it is, I love it here, and I want to spend forever here. Note to self: Must learn Spanish in a proportional rate to the increasing wealth of my change jar. (Tiredness leads to grammatically incorrect sentences; can’t even think of a simple way to phrase this.)

The saddest thing happened to us on the drive to Ayegui that no one else even thought was sad. A guy on the side of the road at traffic lights was selling tissues and dad had stolen my last packet that morning due to his illness and decided to buy them. He asked “how much are they?” and the guy said “just give me some money so I can eat”. Like, he doesn’t even have a price, he just needs something to live on, and that’s one of the saddest things ever. How many people will turn him away because they can’t be bothered to search for change, or are impatient to get on with their journey? Life is so sad and horrible and the fault is not within ourselves but in the stars.

I’m in a really good headspace here and I’m not sure if it’s the place, the people, or the lack of uni stress. I feel like I can achieve anything I set my mind to and I’m willing to try for a few things. Here is my “carefully written list of short-term goals”:
• Earn enough money in the next three years to be able to come back and visit Spain. If I save $2000 in my change jar, I’m willing to take the rest of the necessary money out of my savings. Therefore, if I accumulate money in change jar at an approximate rate of $13/week, this goal will be achieved. Factoring in my tutoring job that gives me $45/week in cash, this should be totally attainable.
• Learn Spanish. I don’t need to be able to speak in Spanish, I have plenty of translators here to do that for me. But I want to increase my vocabulary, to the point where I can understand the simple phrases my aunts and uncles ask me, and can order from a menu that isn’t translated. I’m not entirely sure how to go about this and I expect it will be quite difficult but, learning Spanish has always been on my bucket list.
• Find a better organisation system for uni. Last semester, I ran out of space in my maths books before anything else, and I only printed some lectures… I think I might have two books, one for lectures one for tutes, and not print lecture slides because they’re there at the end when I need them anyway… maybe numbers or something.
• Try hard at uni early to relieve later stress particularly during exam time. This is going to be crazy hard for me because uni starts tomorrow and when I get back to Australia I’m already going to have two weeks to catch up on, but I think I can do it… I might start listening to lectures on my holiday. Am I that pathetic? Maybe. (Don’t say pathetic, say dedicated Ebony).
• I’m going to cook more when I get back to Australia so I can have some edible food for lunch. In Spain, most of the food is rice and potato based, so I think I should try and replicate some of that at home. Plus, learning to cook is a generally good thing, even if my boyfriend will always be better at it than I am (but I beat you with desserts darling).
• Stop making up crap in my head. My fucking mind is a complete piece of shit and I am over dealing with it. I have enough things in my life to keep me occupied without overanalysing other peoples’ actions and words. If someone wants to tell me something, they will, otherwise, don’t go looking for it.
• Try and be a little less me and a little more what I want to be. Most people grow out of the stage where they talk too much and demand attention from people and are in your face all day. I am a child. And everything you say about me is everything I hate about me so I can understand why you don’t like me. I’m sorry I ruined everything for you. I love you. More than I thought I could, considering I barely know you.

(Just realised that these feel like new years' resolutions because I have such a long holiday and it's summer so it feels like January)


And that's all folks... will catch up on normal posts when I have spare time...

Spare time for thoughts

I finally have spare time! So I'm blogging from my phone, Grayson :) it's quite unusual for me lately to not be in extraordinarily large amounts of pain, so I have to take these opportunities when they arise. I don't really know what all the pain is from, like I can identify most pains, like stomach pain and leg pains, but then I have weird pains like back pains that just arrive out of nowhere and prevent me from moving. Such is life, I suppose...

I have been having a hard time adjusting to this... Not being able to eat, having to check ingredients of everything before I put it in my mouth. It's been saddening mostly... I don't want to be this person forever. I just want to be normal. But I've made some decisions about the future which make me feel optimistic.

I've also realised that I've made decisions and said things in the past which I've come to regret. Things I never thought I would regret, but they were decisions I made at tough times and I didn't feel I had a choice. I felt pressured and responsible for other people, and that's not fair to myself. I should focus more on myself and less on other people... Niceness is often my greatest downfall.

And I miss you. I miss being able to text you when I did something I was proud of, that you could put in perspective, or something that reminded me of you, something only you would understand. Missing you has made me realise how fortunate I am to have other people, and yet, somehow, I don't feel fortunate, I don't appreciate people, I wish they would just leave me alone and let me study...

Life is funny, isn't it?

Changing calendars

Happy new calendar year!
Because it's not a new year until I say so, a year is not defined by an arbitrary point in the Earth's orbit, rather, the calendar is.
My year will be defined when I feel that big changes are occurring. Usually, this is around February.
Still, I would like to at least attempt to formulate some resolutions, let us begin by reviewing resolutions of the past. Last year, I chose to formulate a life plan, rather than a list of resolutions. How did I go with that plan?

#1 Be happy.
Happiness is so complex that I can't say that I did or did not achieve it. At the moment, I am very happy, but I'm unsure as to whether that is due to external or internal factors. There are people in my life that make me happy, and people in my life that make me sad. Remaining positive through the sadness is perhaps all that is necessary. I don't feel positive because of the sadness, the sad will stay, and I am entirely pessimistic about it. But I believe there will be more happiness, and that is enough for me.
This year? No, this is not part of my life plan for this year. I believe happiness will come from doing the things I love with the people I love. But it cannot be "plan"ned.

#2 Try hard at school, but don't stress out.
I totally and completely achieved this, and I am 100% satisfied with how I went. Although there were times when I stressed a little too much, I think it helped me to ascertain my priorities. My results from the HSC were spectacular, and I think I eventually found a good balance.
This year? Definitely, this year I plan to try hard and not stress out too much. I think it will be easier working on a semester to semester plan, and having actually holidays, as I currently feel refreshed, and definitely burnt out a bit during the actual HSC.

#3 Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
I did get my licence, although it was not before the footy season due to some personal problems. I may have failed my first test, but I think that was a life lesson :D
This year? I plan to get my greens before the year ends :)

#4 Earn money.
I did a lot of this. And also spent a lot on my David.
This year? Getting my scholarship recently has lowered the financial pressure, but I still want to earn a fair bit. I'm greedy, you know.

#5 Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Overall, I have retained my optimism, although there was a chunk of the year where I felt a little helpless. Strong connections with friends helped me get through it and I'm totally thrilled to have so many wonderful people in my life.
This year? I'd generally like to be optimistic although I can foresee some events that may make that difficult. In fact, simply suggesting that it will be difficult already suggests a pessimistic attitude. But I will try. The world is my oyster, right?

#6 Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
I definitely appreciated my time with them, a lot more than the year before. Since the HSC ended, it has been difficult to see them as much, but I don't think that has reduced our friendship at all.
This year? We have big plans on how to see each other, and although it may not always be possible to keep these plans, I believe out connection will remain. This is definitely onmylife plan for the year.

#7 Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, so I supposed I've failed at this. But I'm still trying.
This year? Still on the list. Still trying

Have a great year!

The tank of life

Listening to the songs I used to play to feel the moods I used to love and driving the streets that never seemed to end. Oh how things change, don't they? Because now the songs make me feel so much more, and the moods make me feel a little sick to the stomach. Now, the street is over before the song reaches the second verse. Now, the drive home is one I make with reluctance. The drive home doesn't even take me to a place that feels like home.

---

Why am I adopting you all? Why am I trying so hard for people to like me? Why does everyone else's opinion matter more to me than my own? I should stop listening, and start thinking and feeling.

---

Even when I'm mad at you, you're the one who makes me stop crying, you're the one i want to hug, I naturally move closer to you. I hate that you have so much control over me, I hate that I do anything for you, but I love that you make me so happy. I'll keep trying if you keep trying <3

---

What a beautiful day to be an Ebony... everything is going so well, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.
Ever so clean.

Wait...

I always think it's going to be different. After I finish school, after I turn 18, after work, after Christmas; things will change. Maybe in the new year I'll be a new person with new priorities, maybe I'll do the things I've always wanted to do. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe the days keep rolling over, blending into each other. An endless haze of sleep and computer games. I'm waiting for the change that never comes. The eternal wait. I'm waiting on you.




















"I don't like goodbyes, I like see you next times. Even if next time doesn't come.
I like hope. Fruitless hope."

Doing Something

What's wrong with me? Why do you want me to be different? I actually like me now, I love me, but you don't. what don't you like about me? why do you want me to be something that I'm not? Why don't you like me?

---

And you're right, there isn't a right thing for everyone, I can't do anything that will be perfect for everyone. But I still want to be utilitarian. Is what's best for me the best thing? Yeah, I have to do something. But what?
...I can't do this for much longer.

---

Counting down the minutes until I can leave... what a wonderful way to live

The Journery

I'm sort of a little bit excited about the next chapter of my life.
And I don't even just mean the next few months (although that will be totally awesome too). But the next four years, and whatever happens after that.
I'm excited to be an Adult and to go to uni and take control of my life. I'm excited to go places and do things and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm excited to make decisions about what I want for the future, and choose a path that will take me to it.
Happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey, and I think I'm on my way there.

---

So the HSC is over and I have my life back (back? Implying I ever had one? Stretching the truth just a little there). And, I turned 18, and now I have opportunities. I have a new laptop which is yet to be named (although I'm steering towards Sam) and the world is sitting at my feet asking me what I want to do. It's freeing and empowering at the same time.
...I feel good xD

---

Exams were good, exam stress was bad. But overall, I'm happy with how I did, and I happily await my results in December too long away. Sorry for neglecting you so much, my dear blog (trust me, I neglected others too), I'll try to be around a little more now.

DFTBA.

only my internet has issues

So I suppose it has been a while since I blogged. That tends to be what I do. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but I’ve been having Internet issues, plus I always feel guilty for blogging instead of studying considering I have 7 assessments in a 4 week window. But life’s too short to study, right? …or something like that.

So life has been going on as it is so prone to do, and I have found myself in a bit of a black hole of misery, as I am so prone to do. I mean, I still enjoy life, I’m still glad to wake up in the morning, I still like going to school; I just burst into tears at inconvenient times and have half of my teachers thinking I’m depressed, which may or may not be true. I mean, honestly, you know you’ve got problems when you listen to Taylor Swift songs on loop. Although I suppose that can be said for many other artists, too.

So, I uh, yeah, have some issues I suppose. I’m feeling very Holden Caulfield of late. It’s weird and slightly terrifying to think that I am perhaps the happiest person living under my roof.


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When you make it seem like you value my opinion, I feel like a more credible human being. When you search me out to tell me that you want to talk to me, I feel like my presence is valued. Sometimes I think you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. I am so pathetic :)


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Sometimes you act like I am a really important part of your life, and sometimes you don’t even care about me. Is it silly to miss you when you stop replying to my messages? Is it pathetic that I am always the initiator of our conversations? Do you actually like talking to me, or are you just too nice to say you don’t; maybe you can just tell that I need you.


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And speaking of needing people… do you still read this? Do you still know that I need you? That I miss you? That I want you in my life? Or have you also moved on in this big scary world and left me behind? I know we said we can’t be friends yet, but it would be nice to hear from you again.


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And somehow I can’t imagine being able to survive this without the knowledge that you are for me, you are here in my life, you are here by side, if not always physically, then metaphorically. You are my hug at the end of a long day, you are my cure to the tears, you are the smile that disappears far too often from my face.


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sorry, Internet is too laggy for pictures. Have a good day.

Under my skin

You are right, and I know you are right as I walk away and your voice fades from my mind like a distant memory as I shush you with my constantly nodding head.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.

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If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.

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We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.

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The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

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I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
If you would come back, I might remember.

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I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.

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So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.