And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...
I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.
There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...
The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more
Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet
Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early
I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.
Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met
Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.
I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.
Showing posts with label miserys anonymous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miserys anonymous. Show all posts
Wednesday, 29 April 2015
Friday, 13 July 2012
drink more. think less.
Bonus blog in the middle of my holiday, makes up for being slow with the posting...
"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows
"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham
"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."
I was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.
There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?
I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!
"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows
"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham
"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."
I was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.
There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?
I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!
Saturday, 13 February 2010
But does it make me a bad person?
Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”
"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?
I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.
I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.
I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.
Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.
Friday, 22 January 2010
Who are you?
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I am lying to the entire world. I am lying because I am scared of what you will think if you hear the truth. I'm lying because I'm scared of what you will say to me. Of how disappointed you will be in me. I'm lying because you are always disappointed in me, and I can't bear it. And you think I do it to annoy but I don't. I'm so scared of disappointing you that I pretend to not try to impress you.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I don't want a good job. All I want is to spend my life being a mother. I want to trek back and forth to school and extracurricular activities. I want to cook a meal everynight with my daughter, and then put on something lovely and have dinner with my family.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm a dreamer. I spend more time thinking about what's potentially going to happen in the future than actually living in the present. I don't pay attention to what I'm doing, more what I've done, and what I'm going to do. I live in the past and the future. I live in my dreams.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm going to be ok. And I flip out and I worry about shit that doesn't need to be worried about, and I even have dreams about fictional characters and wake up hating their enemies (that means you Addison Shephard). But I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'd like to hear about your life. Who are you? What are you like?
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I don't want a good job. All I want is to spend my life being a mother. I want to trek back and forth to school and extracurricular activities. I want to cook a meal everynight with my daughter, and then put on something lovely and have dinner with my family.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm a dreamer. I spend more time thinking about what's potentially going to happen in the future than actually living in the present. I don't pay attention to what I'm doing, more what I've done, and what I'm going to do. I live in the past and the future. I live in my dreams.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm going to be ok. And I flip out and I worry about shit that doesn't need to be worried about, and I even have dreams about fictional characters and wake up hating their enemies (that means you Addison Shephard). But I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'd like to hear about your life. Who are you? What are you like?
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Hope.
I was meant to blog Friday, but that never really happened...
So I decided to blog yesterday, but that never really happened...
So here I am now, to share with you my nice words of wisdom.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and it's getting easier to be okay with hard things in life. Things will always suck, and I will always lose people, both physically and mentally. I think I can be okay with that. It's hard for me, though, to not know whether or not they're going to stay.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm going to change. I'm going to stop being annoying, critical, rude and ungrateful. I'm going to become the person I want to be. I'm not going to complain that I don't like myself, or that I wish things would change. I am going to change. Not wait for something else to. I will change.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wronf, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I have hope. I have faith, I have inspiration, I have belief, I have knowledge, I have wisdom, and I have hope.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I love myself. This comes as a bit of a shock to me, the girl who always hated what she had become. Now I see that, at some point in time, everything I did was what I waned, and at the end of the day, I can accept that. And I can know that this is the person I've intended to be.
I don't want to be anyone else but me. Maybe the way I got here was a little unconventional. Maybe I went too far, ran away from who I was, just for silly little fantasies, but I came crawling back. I got here eventually. And along the way, I go to see that little glimpse of the life I never want. I've seen it all. For the experience.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and every now and then, I feel helpless. I know there's nothing I canm do to change things, and I can't just let them go, because people around me are getting hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. :/
So I decided to blog yesterday, but that never really happened...
So here I am now, to share with you my nice words of wisdom.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and it's getting easier to be okay with hard things in life. Things will always suck, and I will always lose people, both physically and mentally. I think I can be okay with that. It's hard for me, though, to not know whether or not they're going to stay.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm going to change. I'm going to stop being annoying, critical, rude and ungrateful. I'm going to become the person I want to be. I'm not going to complain that I don't like myself, or that I wish things would change. I am going to change. Not wait for something else to. I will change.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wronf, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I have hope. I have faith, I have inspiration, I have belief, I have knowledge, I have wisdom, and I have hope.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I love myself. This comes as a bit of a shock to me, the girl who always hated what she had become. Now I see that, at some point in time, everything I did was what I waned, and at the end of the day, I can accept that. And I can know that this is the person I've intended to be.
I don't want to be anyone else but me. Maybe the way I got here was a little unconventional. Maybe I went too far, ran away from who I was, just for silly little fantasies, but I came crawling back. I got here eventually. And along the way, I go to see that little glimpse of the life I never want. I've seen it all. For the experience.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and every now and then, I feel helpless. I know there's nothing I canm do to change things, and I can't just let them go, because people around me are getting hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. :/
Monday, 8 June 2009
Lost in translation.
I am currently listening to "Rubber Ducky" by Ernie from Sesame Street.
you see, my sister's computer DOES have some good music.
Wait... I think I gave this to her...
"Hey do you want me to scrub behind your ears?"
"squeek squeek squeek"
"Oh, I see, you don't have any ears, do you?" *gay laugh*
DAMN this song is good
anyways
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am juust a liittle bit high at the moment.
"Whoa, high, very high"
"I've been higher"
"I meant distance from the ground"
"Yeah, that too"
Ok, I'm sorry, I just love that quote. From gilmore girls. Season 5. episode: You Jump, I Jump, Jack.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm dancing around my house singing rubber ducky((ernie)) and the easy way((westlife)) and far away((nickelback)), at the top of my lungs. I have developed my own little crazy walk/dance. I am slightly scared.
But I'm happy. And sure, that seems to be something I've been saying a lot lately. But in all honesty, I am happy. Sure, things get stuffed up. Perhaps more than they need to. But at the end of the day, I can smile, and say that I've achieved something. Even if it just a smile, or helping someone out (or kicking someone's arse in monopoly).
ANYWAYS!
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I get hurt a lot more easily than everyone else. Most of the time I realise I'm being an immature idiot, and I don't tell anyone that I'm hurt. But some people can tell. I won't tell them why. Like I said, I'm just being an immature idiot.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I worry a lot more easily than everyone else. But usually, there's someone there to tell me that I'm overreacting, and that everything's going to be okay. [Thankyou for being that person].
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I smile a lot more easily than everyone else. Often there's someont there to bring me back down to Earth. To get a little weirded out by highness {height?} which makes me realise that I'm too happy. Which makes me happier. Because I appreciate things that no one else ever will. ("Every smile is worth ten times more than every frown")
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm just a little bit sillier than everyone else. I still hold onto the fact that I've never sung into a hairbrush. But toothbrush? More than once. (I did not just admit that.) But, come on, being silly is what makes me so awesome =D. (Surprised!)
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I have to go to sleep now. Because I need my beauty sleep *nods*. And I'm sorry I haven't blogged much lately, I just feel like...
I can't share with the rest of the world how I'm feeling, because it always hurts me or them. Also, it's hard to translate emotions into words. Because I don't think in words, or even in thoughts most of the time. i think in emoticons (no, really :L) I see happy and sad faces, clocks, cats, dogs, anything except thoughts. It's all emotions and feelings and vibes. And... it loses something in translation.
N2S: sleep you idiot!
Ok, bye guys.
Wish you were here,
you see, my sister's computer DOES have some good music.
Wait... I think I gave this to her...
"Hey do you want me to scrub behind your ears?"
"squeek squeek squeek"
"Oh, I see, you don't have any ears, do you?" *gay laugh*
DAMN this song is good
anyways
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am juust a liittle bit high at the moment.
"Whoa, high, very high"
"I've been higher"
"I meant distance from the ground"
"Yeah, that too"
Ok, I'm sorry, I just love that quote. From gilmore girls. Season 5. episode: You Jump, I Jump, Jack.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm dancing around my house singing rubber ducky((ernie)) and the easy way((westlife)) and far away((nickelback)), at the top of my lungs. I have developed my own little crazy walk/dance. I am slightly scared.
But I'm happy. And sure, that seems to be something I've been saying a lot lately. But in all honesty, I am happy. Sure, things get stuffed up. Perhaps more than they need to. But at the end of the day, I can smile, and say that I've achieved something. Even if it just a smile, or helping someone out (or kicking someone's arse in monopoly).
ANYWAYS!
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I get hurt a lot more easily than everyone else. Most of the time I realise I'm being an immature idiot, and I don't tell anyone that I'm hurt. But some people can tell. I won't tell them why. Like I said, I'm just being an immature idiot.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I worry a lot more easily than everyone else. But usually, there's someone there to tell me that I'm overreacting, and that everything's going to be okay. [Thankyou for being that person].
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I smile a lot more easily than everyone else. Often there's someont there to bring me back down to Earth. To get a little weirded out by highness {height?} which makes me realise that I'm too happy. Which makes me happier. Because I appreciate things that no one else ever will. ("Every smile is worth ten times more than every frown")
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm just a little bit sillier than everyone else. I still hold onto the fact that I've never sung into a hairbrush. But toothbrush? More than once. (I did not just admit that.) But, come on, being silly is what makes me so awesome =D. (Surprised!)
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I have to go to sleep now. Because I need my beauty sleep *nods*. And I'm sorry I haven't blogged much lately, I just feel like...
I can't share with the rest of the world how I'm feeling, because it always hurts me or them. Also, it's hard to translate emotions into words. Because I don't think in words, or even in thoughts most of the time. i think in emoticons (no, really :L) I see happy and sad faces, clocks, cats, dogs, anything except thoughts. It's all emotions and feelings and vibes. And... it loses something in translation.
N2S: sleep you idiot!
Ok, bye guys.
Wish you were here,
Thursday, 21 May 2009
My name is Ebony.
Today, I am blogging.
Because even though I have nothing to say...
Ok, I didn't think of an ending for that sentence when I started it.
one - i heard the raindrops. but you don't have to tell me anything.
TWO - THANKYOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. I'M TRYING. I PROMISE.
three - i'm sorry if you don't get me. but i'm not going to justify myself to you. this is me now. take it or leave it.
four - i thought it would hurt more than this.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and welcome to Ebony's anonymous. Feel free to comment with any of your addictions (food, TV shows, people), because acceptance is the first step to overcoming an addiction. I know you all have one. That's right. You're all feeling guilty right now.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm learning to juggle happy. Happy is very hard to juggle, especially when there's so much of it, and it's so different. But it's still possible to juggle. If you have skills. I, clearly, have epic skills.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am listening to air supply on loop. "And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for". There is really something to be said for Air Supply. And I know how pathetic I sound, thankyou very much. But it is TRUE.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and this is a little part of my life. This blog I mean. It used to be my whole life. It's not anymore. It's just a part. I like it like that. It's the perfect balance. It's not even a good blog. It's just so me.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am addicted to westlife music. I know I haven't mentioned the awesomosity of westlife in a while. But I'm listening to an air supply song that westlife covered, and I miss them. I may have to listen to more westlife...
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am a keeper of secrets. I'm a good one too. I just can't keep my own secrets. But everyone else's secrets stay locked up inside of me. Some people hate keeping secrets, it's such a burden or you always have to watch what you say. But I'm more comfortable around people whose secrets I know.
OK, I have more to say, because, well I'm a nutcase with an endless supply of words. But this will do for tonight. Considering I've been doing this off and on for hours.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am listening to air supply on loop. "And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for". There is really something to be said for Air Supply. And I know how pathetic I sound, thankyou very much. But it is TRUE.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and this is a little part of my life. This blog I mean. It used to be my whole life. It's not anymore. It's just a part. I like it like that. It's the perfect balance. It's not even a good blog. It's just so me.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am addicted to westlife music. I know I haven't mentioned the awesomosity of westlife in a while. But I'm listening to an air supply song that westlife covered, and I miss them. I may have to listen to more westlife...
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am a keeper of secrets. I'm a good one too. I just can't keep my own secrets. But everyone else's secrets stay locked up inside of me. Some people hate keeping secrets, it's such a burden or you always have to watch what you say. But I'm more comfortable around people whose secrets I know.
OK, I have more to say, because, well I'm a nutcase with an endless supply of words. But this will do for tonight. Considering I've been doing this off and on for hours.
Friday, 1 May 2009
Progress...
one - i don't know if you know what i meant, i really hope you do
TWO - IT'S AROUND ABOUT NOW THAT YOU START FORGETTING. BUT PLEASE JUST HOLD ON A LITTLE LONGER...
three - i'm doing it again, some things never change
four - i thought i was making progress...
Hmmm... life is so boring without MSN...
I don't even have anything to write...
-----
Just a small town boy and girl
Living in a crazy world
Trying to figure out what is and isn't true
And I don't try to hide my tears
The secrets or my deepest hears
Through it all, nobody gets me like you do
And you know everything about me
You say that you can't live without me...
I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do...
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half, I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you
-----
"wants to take leaps. so afraid" - DyingEmber
the worst part was that they couldn't tell how scared i was... several random people walked up to me and asked if i was okay... with a shaky laugh i told them that i wasn't... but that i would be... eventually... i guess that's not really true, a part of me was ecstatically happy, and a part of me was falling more and more...
but they couldn't tell...
and i know that should make me feel bad... or alone... but it didn't... i'm not alone, i'll never be alone. so yes, the worst part was that there was no worst part... and that's bad...
damn, even i don't quite get that... i just know that there should be a bad part to that...
my gosh, this is very hard to talk about without mentioning names...
moving on...
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everday I become more and more disappointed in myself. And then I feel really guilty, and then I get upset. And other people shouldn't have to put up with me being upset... so then I feel more guilty. In the end, I usually just wander around by myself for a little while... people have learnt to understand this, and just let me be... but sometimes I wish someone would come up and hug me, or let me cry on them...I go mental by myself. I guess... if it was someone else, I wouldn't go up to them, but that's because I'd feel like I'm intruding... I don't think people feel like that about me, because I don't really have personal space. Sometimes I wonder why no one bothers...
-----
Hello, and welcome to MAY!
Which causes us to reflect on April.
April was a pretty awesome month, when you think about it...
A lot happened, a lot changed, a lot stayed the same...
Words from April:
Inspire.
Appreciate.
Care.
Understand.
Create.
Grow.
Imagine.
Jump.
Belong.
Fall.
Sleep.
{{Sleep doesn't really fit, huh?}}
I think that's a very pretty list... it's all taken from my 'Dream' pictures. (I write them in Geo/History when I get bored, and Shai/Corinne are working/being boring. That's actually more common than you'd think)
(Sleep is my favourite...)
-----
Hmmmmm....
"I know it makes no sense, what else can I do? How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?" ALL DAY I have been singing "Man who can't be moved" ALL DAY! And ALL DAY I have gotten stuck at the SAME PART... that's the line I couldn't remember. Le sigh, if only I had known that a few hours ago...
-----
I feel like I'm on an emotional see-saw.
(Does that really need an explanation? It's sorta self explanatory...)
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony... yeah, still... and I feel very happy... for a large duration of my day... but coming home makes me sad, especially when it's for the weekend... I know that I have lots of reasons to smile, and I do smile, but I smile so excessively during the day, my cheeks hurt when I get home, so then I'm exhausted from being so happy... and I just laze around... all sad :L
-----
"Don't be surprised if I stumble over my words when I talk to you, it's only cause it's hard to talk with a big grin on my face, and don't be surprised if I can't look you in the eyes when we talk, it's only cause sometimes it hurts to look at something so perfect"
-KML.
-----
I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak
I lose all control, then something comes over me
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
Can't explain why you're loving makes me weak
-----
Hello, it's me again... I just wanted to say thankyou... again... yeah, it's getting a bit old now, sure, but I mean it. And I'm sorry... yeah that should have probably come first... I'm really sorry.
TWO - IT'S AROUND ABOUT NOW THAT YOU START FORGETTING. BUT PLEASE JUST HOLD ON A LITTLE LONGER...
three - i'm doing it again, some things never change
four - i thought i was making progress...
Hmmm... life is so boring without MSN...
I don't even have anything to write...
-----
Just a small town boy and girl
Living in a crazy world
Trying to figure out what is and isn't true
And I don't try to hide my tears
The secrets or my deepest hears
Through it all, nobody gets me like you do
And you know everything about me
You say that you can't live without me...
I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do...
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half, I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you
-----
"wants to take leaps. so afraid" - DyingEmber
the worst part was that they couldn't tell how scared i was... several random people walked up to me and asked if i was okay... with a shaky laugh i told them that i wasn't... but that i would be... eventually... i guess that's not really true, a part of me was ecstatically happy, and a part of me was falling more and more...
but they couldn't tell...
and i know that should make me feel bad... or alone... but it didn't... i'm not alone, i'll never be alone. so yes, the worst part was that there was no worst part... and that's bad...
damn, even i don't quite get that... i just know that there should be a bad part to that...
my gosh, this is very hard to talk about without mentioning names...
moving on...
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everday I become more and more disappointed in myself. And then I feel really guilty, and then I get upset. And other people shouldn't have to put up with me being upset... so then I feel more guilty. In the end, I usually just wander around by myself for a little while... people have learnt to understand this, and just let me be... but sometimes I wish someone would come up and hug me, or let me cry on them...I go mental by myself. I guess... if it was someone else, I wouldn't go up to them, but that's because I'd feel like I'm intruding... I don't think people feel like that about me, because I don't really have personal space. Sometimes I wonder why no one bothers...
-----
Hello, and welcome to MAY!
Which causes us to reflect on April.
April was a pretty awesome month, when you think about it...
A lot happened, a lot changed, a lot stayed the same...
Words from April:
Inspire.
Appreciate.
Care.
Understand.
Create.
Grow.
Imagine.
Jump.
Belong.
Fall.
Sleep.
{{Sleep doesn't really fit, huh?}}
I think that's a very pretty list... it's all taken from my 'Dream' pictures. (I write them in Geo/History when I get bored, and Shai/Corinne are working/being boring. That's actually more common than you'd think)
(Sleep is my favourite...)
-----
Hmmmmm....
"I know it makes no sense, what else can I do? How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?" ALL DAY I have been singing "Man who can't be moved" ALL DAY! And ALL DAY I have gotten stuck at the SAME PART... that's the line I couldn't remember. Le sigh, if only I had known that a few hours ago...
-----
I feel like I'm on an emotional see-saw.
(Does that really need an explanation? It's sorta self explanatory...)
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony... yeah, still... and I feel very happy... for a large duration of my day... but coming home makes me sad, especially when it's for the weekend... I know that I have lots of reasons to smile, and I do smile, but I smile so excessively during the day, my cheeks hurt when I get home, so then I'm exhausted from being so happy... and I just laze around... all sad :L
-----
"Don't be surprised if I stumble over my words when I talk to you, it's only cause it's hard to talk with a big grin on my face, and don't be surprised if I can't look you in the eyes when we talk, it's only cause sometimes it hurts to look at something so perfect"
-KML.
-----
I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak
I lose all control, then something comes over me
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
Can't explain why you're loving makes me weak
-----
Hello, it's me again... I just wanted to say thankyou... again... yeah, it's getting a bit old now, sure, but I mean it. And I'm sorry... yeah that should have probably come first... I'm really sorry.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Sleep.
...Because what else is there to do at nights when you are bored and banned from MSN?
Nothing but blog.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm no longer addicted to NCIS. It has been about 6 months now since I discovered the genius that is Mark Harmon, but through my 12 step program (amongst other things) I am now over it.
Word of the day: fall
What it means: 1. descend from higher position to lower position 2. come down suddenly from standing position 3. to become lower 4. to hang down 5. to be cast down 6. to succumb to temptaion 7. to lose high position 8. to succumb to attack 9. to drop down wounded or dead 10. to pass into some condition 11. to become 12. to come as if by dropping 13. to come by chance 14. to come to occur 15. to have proper place 16. to issue or proceed (in speech) 17. to be naturally divisible 18. to lose animation 19. to slope 20. to be directed 21. to fell 22. to separate 23. the act of falling 24.sinking, becoming less 25. cataract or waterall 26. downward slop 27. falling to ground 28. hanging down 29. lapse into sin 30. surrender or capture 31.a. in wrestling, being thrown on back b. bout 32. loosely hanging veil 33. lowering ships boat 34. Autumn 35. trees suitable for felling.
Why I care: It's one of the suggestions for labels (that's a bunch of bullshit. I also have other bullshit reasons including 1. because theres lots of defintions 2. because that's the page the dictionary fell open at and 3. there's 31 part a and b, and that is hilarious)(I don't know why I'm not writing the real reason, I think it's because I'm scared of the real reason)
Well that's further than any other dictionary definition has ever gone before.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I've done nothing but lie for the entire duration of this blog. But if you know me well enough (as only 2 of you do) you'll know my real reasons behind everything, and you'll understand the points I'm trying to get across.
Better late than never…
one – just like the fireflies…
TWO – YEAH, YEAH I NOTICED, I THINK YOU DID TOO…
three – It really didn't help... but I appreciated it more than you will ever know
four - You have no idea how much I meant that
-----
And just because I'm retarded
Dear heart,
I would recommend pacing yourself - JustAFaceInThe Crowd
Oh, and if you guys don't get this post... you are totally not alone. I think the whole 'sleep' idea is a good one, 9:30 is not my smartest time...
People try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke, I'm just a broken-hearted man
Yeah, that's it. Sad that I used most of this to define a word...
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Belong.
one - and everything just keeps changed, fat lot of good that is
TWO - I KNOW YOU CAN GET THIS RIGHT... TRY FOR ME.
three - i've decided what to say and everything...
four - come back...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I spent a great deal of time today contemplating my stupidosity. And thankyou for telling me that I'm not stupid. But really... I am. Because I don't believe in myself anymore. And I don't trust myself. And I should... especially when I'm right... but then when I don't know if I'm right, and I'm not sure whether to believe I'm right, so I just use me being wrong as a hypothetical until I manage to convince myself I'm wrong and that I shouldn't trust myself.
"I know it's hard to believe, what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster, and for a while, I believed them"
And... wait...
Everything is okay now.
And sure, it's not gonns be okay in 5 minutes time. Hell, it's not gonna be okay in 30 seconds time. But right now, everything is fine, and that's all that matters.
Everything fits, then everything falls apart. "Some things fall apart for others to fall together", but some things just fall apart.
And there's something I should write here but it will take me too long:L
Speaking of! AMY!!! I need to tell you about Ben :L
OK guys, goodbye! I might post tomorrow...
You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She'll never get your humour like I do
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me
Wakin the streets with you and your worn out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy?
And you've got a smile that can light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey what you doing with a girl like that?
She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleechers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been there all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me
Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you know baby?
You belong with me
Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're bout to cry
I know your favourite songs, and you tell me bout your dreams
I think I know where you belong, I think I know it's with me
blah-di-blah-chorus-etc
TWO - I KNOW YOU CAN GET THIS RIGHT... TRY FOR ME.
three - i've decided what to say and everything...
four - come back...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I spent a great deal of time today contemplating my stupidosity. And thankyou for telling me that I'm not stupid. But really... I am. Because I don't believe in myself anymore. And I don't trust myself. And I should... especially when I'm right... but then when I don't know if I'm right, and I'm not sure whether to believe I'm right, so I just use me being wrong as a hypothetical until I manage to convince myself I'm wrong and that I shouldn't trust myself.
"I know it's hard to believe, what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster, and for a while, I believed them"
And... wait...
Everything is okay now.
And sure, it's not gonns be okay in 5 minutes time. Hell, it's not gonna be okay in 30 seconds time. But right now, everything is fine, and that's all that matters.
Everything fits, then everything falls apart. "Some things fall apart for others to fall together", but some things just fall apart.
And there's something I should write here but it will take me too long:L
Speaking of! AMY!!! I need to tell you about Ben :L
OK guys, goodbye! I might post tomorrow...
You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She'll never get your humour like I do
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do
But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me
Wakin the streets with you and your worn out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy?
And you've got a smile that can light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey what you doing with a girl like that?
She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleechers
Dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been there all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me
Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you know baby?
You belong with me
Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're bout to cry
I know your favourite songs, and you tell me bout your dreams
I think I know where you belong, I think I know it's with me
blah-di-blah-chorus-etc
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Ebony's mind
one - everything changed for real. where did the smile go?
TWO - YOU HURT ME. DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.
three - have you figured it out yet?
four - i miss you.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and you left again.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's getting harder to smile.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family are a mystery to me.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in a very pesimistic mood.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I have nothing to thank you for
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it doesn't make sense anymore
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything changed
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling apart.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I still can't wait till Tuesday
{{that whole half of the blog corresponds directly to yesterday}}
Ahh, the beautiful letters. The pretty little words arranged across the beautifully decorated paper. The tear drop marks left at strategic places along the lines. The beauty, and the pain, and all it does is cause more pain. All you do is cause more pain. I, too, am sorry that you can't see it. My darling you hurt me in ways that seem impossible. Everytime I open a letter I shudder, remembering the past. Why must we repeat ourselves? Have we learnt nothing of our past mistakes that we fall into the exact same cycle? Of course we haven't. This is what we do.
Spend all your time waiting for a second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
TWO - YOU HURT ME. DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.
three - have you figured it out yet?
four - i miss you.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and you left again.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's getting harder to smile.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family are a mystery to me.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in a very pesimistic mood.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I have nothing to thank you for
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it doesn't make sense anymore
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything changed
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling apart.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I still can't wait till Tuesday
{{that whole half of the blog corresponds directly to yesterday}}
Ahh, the beautiful letters. The pretty little words arranged across the beautifully decorated paper. The tear drop marks left at strategic places along the lines. The beauty, and the pain, and all it does is cause more pain. All you do is cause more pain. I, too, am sorry that you can't see it. My darling you hurt me in ways that seem impossible. Everytime I open a letter I shudder, remembering the past. Why must we repeat ourselves? Have we learnt nothing of our past mistakes that we fall into the exact same cycle? Of course we haven't. This is what we do.
Spend all your time waiting for a second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Saturday, 25 April 2009
Ebony's cloud <33
one - everything changed. i blinked. everything changed back. i smiled.
TWO - I'M NOT WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE. DEAL.
three - things change sweetie. it just changed... that's all.
four - just smile. you're back!
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I said yesterday that I missed you. Today you came back.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm going to let myself smile now.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family is finally making some sense...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in an extraordinarily optimistic mood...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I just want to say thankyou
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's starting to make sense now
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I don't want anything to change
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling into place
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I can't wait till Tuesday either
(^^ this is the very weird, incredible mood that talking to YOU puts me in)
Today is beautiful, wonderful ANZAC Day!
Which means I went into the city! And watched my grandpa march =) And cried a lot. Because that is what I do on ANZAC Day. And then we went to the Lindt cafe. (The first of its kind in the world) and I had a very nice hot chocolate. And then we went to the footy. And we totally creamed the roosters. TOTALLY CREAMED. (did everyone get that? totally creamed!) (29-0 guys)
Ok, damn, I summed up my day in a paragraph. I am totally losing my touch.
See, if I was tlaking, I would say heaps more, because I never run out of air. But typing, takes up so much time/energy that, well, this is it.
OK?
Damn, I'm getting so lazy now. I even chucked out my "hi-5!!!" and just lo-5 people (yeah, i blame you!)
speaking of...
Today, Ebony discovered something very weird about herself (in 3rd person)
She discovered how much she likes a very un-Ebony band.
(No, it's not AAR, we already knew that one :L)
(shall we further your musical education?)
You know what? I never write the names of artists before I write the song.
So here you go, cloud connected:
(Maybe, just read the lyrics and never hurt your precious little ears by listening to the song :L)
People like you
You live in a dream world
You despise the outside
And you fear the next one!
It's in your dream
There's just one question
Should I kill?
Or should I be left behind?
Sick and tired
Of all your complaints
This is the hour
We bring them down!
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
You seem to be
So introverted
How come we fail
With all that is given?
You crossed the line
You remember my name
Time runs backwards
As we're heading that way
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
TWO - I'M NOT WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE. DEAL.
three - things change sweetie. it just changed... that's all.
four - just smile. you're back!
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I said yesterday that I missed you. Today you came back.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm going to let myself smile now.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family is finally making some sense...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in an extraordinarily optimistic mood...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I just want to say thankyou
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's starting to make sense now
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I don't want anything to change
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling into place
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I can't wait till Tuesday either
(^^ this is the very weird, incredible mood that talking to YOU puts me in)
Today is beautiful, wonderful ANZAC Day!
Which means I went into the city! And watched my grandpa march =) And cried a lot. Because that is what I do on ANZAC Day. And then we went to the Lindt cafe. (The first of its kind in the world) and I had a very nice hot chocolate. And then we went to the footy. And we totally creamed the roosters. TOTALLY CREAMED. (did everyone get that? totally creamed!) (29-0 guys)
Ok, damn, I summed up my day in a paragraph. I am totally losing my touch.
See, if I was tlaking, I would say heaps more, because I never run out of air. But typing, takes up so much time/energy that, well, this is it.
OK?
Damn, I'm getting so lazy now. I even chucked out my "hi-5!!!" and just lo-5 people (yeah, i blame you!)
speaking of...
Today, Ebony discovered something very weird about herself (in 3rd person)
She discovered how much she likes a very un-Ebony band.
(No, it's not AAR, we already knew that one :L)
(shall we further your musical education?)
You know what? I never write the names of artists before I write the song.
So here you go, cloud connected:
(Maybe, just read the lyrics and never hurt your precious little ears by listening to the song :L)
People like you
You live in a dream world
You despise the outside
And you fear the next one!
It's in your dream
There's just one question
Should I kill?
Or should I be left behind?
Sick and tired
Of all your complaints
This is the hour
We bring them down!
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
You seem to be
So introverted
How come we fail
With all that is given?
You crossed the line
You remember my name
Time runs backwards
As we're heading that way
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Hello, I'm Ebony
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I know I'm still lying to myself, but I try to listen to my heart a little more, and she tries to tell me what the hell is going on.
-----
I really would have blogged over the past few days, but I've been really busy.
Sat - easter show
Sun - work, then joannies party
Mon - joannies party, then pick sis up from work, take her to friends house, watch footy with dad =)
speaking of; the dragons arent winning anymores =(
(no, i dont follow football. i just happydance with my dad when we are on top of the leader board. and cut out the exerpt from the newspaper to put on his wrk mate's desk to rub it in his face)
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I'm doing everything I can to make it permanent, but I don't trust myself enough to.
-----
You don't hurt me anymore.
That is the best feeling in the world. That you don't hurt me, you have nothing to hold over my head anymore. I'm a better person than you. I win <33
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm really lucky. I don't often remember how lucky I am, and usually that means I lose things that mean a lot to me. But I've decided to appreciate things more. It's all to keep now.
-----
I know I don't thank you enough. And sure, it probably gets really annoying. But everytime I'm about to, you say something that really annoys me. So, sure, you're a great friend. But you annoy me so often... thankyou. i don't know if i mean that
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my favourite part of the day is being alone. Especially just before I go to sleep. Because no one tells me off for not doing stuff, and I get to just think. Think a lot.
-----
everyday is lifechanging, have you noticed that? when you wake up in the morning, you now that by nighttime everything will be different. every part of your life will have changed. some for the better, and some for the worse. but they'll all be different. 24 hours doesnt seem like that long a time, but it is... and when people say life is short... are they kidding?! if TODAY is long, then life is like.... infinite. i mean, imagine what you will go through before you die... imagine how much everything will change ...now tell me life is short (actually don't, i might get annoyed at you)
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm scared of a lot of things in life. I'm scared of change, I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of the dark, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of life, I'm scared of being lonely.
-----
I think that is hilarious.
I am clearly very easily amused.
Haha, but it isn't.
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my blog has become a way that I figure out myself, but it's really just made me realise that I don't know myself at all. And more than that, I never want to know myself.
So I'll stop blogging now...
-----
I really would have blogged over the past few days, but I've been really busy.
Sat - easter show
Sun - work, then joannies party
Mon - joannies party, then pick sis up from work, take her to friends house, watch footy with dad =)
speaking of; the dragons arent winning anymores =(
(no, i dont follow football. i just happydance with my dad when we are on top of the leader board. and cut out the exerpt from the newspaper to put on his wrk mate's desk to rub it in his face)
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I'm doing everything I can to make it permanent, but I don't trust myself enough to.
-----
You don't hurt me anymore.
That is the best feeling in the world. That you don't hurt me, you have nothing to hold over my head anymore. I'm a better person than you. I win <33
-----
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm really lucky. I don't often remember how lucky I am, and usually that means I lose things that mean a lot to me. But I've decided to appreciate things more. It's all to keep now.
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I know I don't thank you enough. And sure, it probably gets really annoying. But everytime I'm about to, you say something that really annoys me. So, sure, you're a great friend. But you annoy me so often... thankyou. i don't know if i mean that
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Hello, I'm Ebony, and my favourite part of the day is being alone. Especially just before I go to sleep. Because no one tells me off for not doing stuff, and I get to just think. Think a lot.
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everyday is lifechanging, have you noticed that? when you wake up in the morning, you now that by nighttime everything will be different. every part of your life will have changed. some for the better, and some for the worse. but they'll all be different. 24 hours doesnt seem like that long a time, but it is... and when people say life is short... are they kidding?! if TODAY is long, then life is like.... infinite. i mean, imagine what you will go through before you die... imagine how much everything will change ...now tell me life is short (actually don't, i might get annoyed at you)
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Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm scared of a lot of things in life. I'm scared of change, I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of the dark, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of life, I'm scared of being lonely.
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One- more thing before I go
Two- the one who loves me so
Three- don't make me count to three again
I think that is hilarious.
I am clearly very easily amused.
Stop pretending
That what you mean isn't what you say
Haha, but it isn't.
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Hello, I'm Ebony, and my blog has become a way that I figure out myself, but it's really just made me realise that I don't know myself at all. And more than that, I never want to know myself.
So I'll stop blogging now...
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Jump.
Hello. I'm Natalie, and I'm miserable, but not actively.
Hello, I'm Danielle, and I've been getting used to misery so much, I'm becoming somewhat happy again.
Hello. I'm Chelsea, and I'm miserable too, the last time I was happy without faking it I was six. It's ten years later, and for the first time, I have a genuine reason to be happy and I'm still miserable, I don't know how to let it out.
Hello everyone, I'm not ready to tell you my name yet, and I recently met some people that make me smile, but I'm too afraid that if I get close to them, I'll lose them like everyone else.
Hello, I'm Casey and i'm a little bit afraid of everything
Hello...
I'm Jordan, and I'm sorry.
Welcome to Misery's Anonymous.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I think because I want somone to understand me, and I want people to be more trusting and honest. I think by doing this I'm causing greater dishonesty. But I'm the one who screws everything up anyways.
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Sometimes I just want to jump.
I think the fall would be good for me.
There comes a point when it helps to let go...
Maybe I'm ready to let go of it...
Maybe, before I stuff it up, I should admit it to myself.
My conscience can only deal with so much.
it isn't just an Egyptian river;
denial. - trippinballsdude
But now I'm lying to myself again, aren't I?
I think I've forgotten how to tell myself the truth
I think I sugarcoat it in so many lies and wishes,
That 'truth' loses all meaning.
And yet, both sides of the story have equal 'truth'
My ability to argue them both cannot be a good thing...
I don't know which I feel, which I believe...
But what if these thoughts can unite?
What if both sides can be true?
What if it can change?
And I can stop lying to myself?
But I know that will never happen,
For as long as my head and heart are at war
I will always be lying to myself...
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By the way, my conscience, her name is Laura.
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I know you know somewhere inside of you tht this is all about you. I know countless others will assume it's about them, but you will doubt it. Please never doubt yourself.
Hello, I'm Danielle, and I've been getting used to misery so much, I'm becoming somewhat happy again.
Hello. I'm Chelsea, and I'm miserable too, the last time I was happy without faking it I was six. It's ten years later, and for the first time, I have a genuine reason to be happy and I'm still miserable, I don't know how to let it out.
Hello everyone, I'm not ready to tell you my name yet, and I recently met some people that make me smile, but I'm too afraid that if I get close to them, I'll lose them like everyone else.
Hello, I'm Casey and i'm a little bit afraid of everything
Hello...
I'm Jordan, and I'm sorry.
Welcome to Misery's Anonymous.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I think because I want somone to understand me, and I want people to be more trusting and honest. I think by doing this I'm causing greater dishonesty. But I'm the one who screws everything up anyways.
-----
Cory finds another way to be the highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind so I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation when he's taking my breath away...
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Sometimes I just want to jump.
I think the fall would be good for me.
There comes a point when it helps to let go...
Maybe I'm ready to let go of it...
Maybe, before I stuff it up, I should admit it to myself.
My conscience can only deal with so much.
it isn't just an Egyptian river;
denial. - trippinballsdude
But now I'm lying to myself again, aren't I?
I think I've forgotten how to tell myself the truth
I think I sugarcoat it in so many lies and wishes,
That 'truth' loses all meaning.
And yet, both sides of the story have equal 'truth'
My ability to argue them both cannot be a good thing...
I don't know which I feel, which I believe...
But what if these thoughts can unite?
What if both sides can be true?
What if it can change?
And I can stop lying to myself?
But I know that will never happen,
For as long as my head and heart are at war
I will always be lying to myself...
-----
By the way, my conscience, her name is Laura.
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I know you know somewhere inside of you tht this is all about you. I know countless others will assume it's about them, but you will doubt it. Please never doubt yourself.
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