I'm getting better

I wanted to write down the number 29, so I wouldn’t forget how much thrivingviolet had favourited me.
When I wrote it, realised it was your birthday, and threw it out.
I’m never gonna forget that number.
And I don’t need another reminder of you.

You're quirky in ways I love. – Mirruku Chii

I don’t know if you guys remember him talking about how he liked me cuz I’m quirky. But I do. Remember my kick ass memory? Yeah, I hate it! Because, for everyone else, things drain, and for me, they may as well have happened yesterday. Time doesn’t heal all wounds when time changes nothing. Sure, I love being able to remember our drama script and stuff like that, but, sometimes, it’s not worth it.

I don’t know whether or not I’m over you. I think I am. Simply because I love the idea of you being stuck on 36636422. It makes me feel warm inside. Like, you’re getting more than me; you’re getting what you deserve. To you, she is beauty itself. It sort explores the only facet of your personality that I never dealt with, your ability to love unconditionally. You loved her for 6 years. And you never told anyone. She’s the one who made you depressed. It hurts me that she did that to you, and yet, I feel this little place in my heart for her. The girl I’ve never met. That’s how you explained her. She was your sun, your stars, your sky.

Maybe it would help if you had moved on. Properly. None of this “I’ve put my life in perspective” bullshit. As in, you’d actually moved on. Then I could too. I don’t like getting hurt by you, it’s not fair. But I don’t feel how I used to about you.

I’m all confused for sure, especially since you still seem to be everything. But I’m going back into that phase of my life I was in a few weeks ago, I don’t miss you as I used to, and I’m accepting things as they are.

Finale!

It’s sorta sad that this is the last day of NaBloPoMo. Because I know I won’t have this same dedication later, and I’ll only blog a few times a week. So I’m gonna put everything into this blog. I’ve never done that before. Cuz you know, sometimes you get writers block, and I couldn’t have that during NaBloPoMo, so I always saved some topics for me to talk about another time, just in case. But not anymore. Here goes nothing:

I got my friend into SMITHteens – edyka

OMG. ThrivingViolet favourited me 21 times!! (So what if I counted? She’s one of my idols) And I “Inspired” her!!! OMGSH!!!! How cool is that???

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by Thriving Violet:

Bryan – 3
Amy – 5
Shai – 2
Me - 21

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by Coulda.been.a.comet:

Amy – 1

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by October:

Amy – 1
Bryan – 1
Me – 1

And I’m one of October AND Thriving Violet’s fave writers
OK, so you’ll probs figure out who I am by now…
But that’s okay, I think I can live with that.

Oh my gosh, at work yesterday, they made me serve BY MYSELF. :O:O
Like, they let me loose on the public, I had no buddy.

I got there and they’re like “Have you ever served by yourself before?” Me: “No…” and they’re like “Have you ever served at all?” And I’m like “For two hours” and then they just said “Go on the register opposite Logan then” (he’s the dude who ran multicultural day performances)

So then I served by myself. And I stuffed up soo much. Like, I kept scanning stuff a gazillion times, and far out! Our stupid system doesn’t have red grapes! How can it not have red grapes?? My first customer had red grapes, and I had no idea what to do!

And some guy stole a passionfruit! Seriously, he put 3 passionfruits on the counter. I served him. And as he walked away, I saw he had another one in his hand. Like what the hell?? What does it cost, $2??? How could he not pay me for the bloody passionfruit?? Far out!
And then at the end, I had to a clearance and a spot balance, and I’m like wth is that??

But I survived! And I had fun! And I had some really cool customers. Like these firemen that payed with only $1/$2 coins. And it was like, $26! And this old guy who was really nice. And then later he went up and complimented me, so now my boss is really happy with me. And like, 10 people asked me why my name is Ebony. So I told them my mummy saw it on TV when she was pregnant. (:L)

So yeah, that was work yesterday. Oh, and Logan left an hour before me, and then I was all by myself : And I STILL survived! :):)

OK, so here’s one of the blogsecrets I was talking about the other day:

I’m at a loss for words. Well, I’m blogging so I guess not really, maybe it’s just that I don’t know how to put it into words, or if even should. Last time this happened I couldn’t sleep for days. So now I’m watching Harry Potter III.

I wish I could use the ‘ridiculous’ spell and turn you into something that I hated, couldn’t stand, didn’t want, wasn’t even attracted to. But that’s my trouble, you are those things. You’re arrogant, unfaithful, chauvinistic.

Everything I hate about men in general. Yet I look past it for ten quick minutes, then go back to hating you. Just so you know.

Yes, it’s a short one compared to some of the others. But I figure if we start small, you’ll be more likely to read it.

I feel like putting some crazy on this.OMGSH! I don’t have any crazy on my computer. I’ve never run out before. : How can I live without my crazy???

Poem:

A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.

Quotes:
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Yeah, I guess that’s sort of a little bit crazy, no?

And now I’ll go back and add pictures into it. You love my pictures, don't you? :) I'm feeling happier now.

I love reading 6 word memoirs. Especially the happy ones. And then writing emo ones. And then reading more happy ones. It's like, inhaling beauty and exhaling ugly. I'm purging myself of all bad thoughts, so I can make room for the happy in me. Problem is: it can be so hard to find the happy ones, and you have to sift through all the emo ones, and then you even more ugly thoughts in you.

I feel so determined to change everything. To prove how easily happiness can be achieved. I know that I always reread my blogs. Especially when people comment, I'll go back and read the whole thing. I like to cheer myself up for when I reread it. And I like to cheer up my readers. I know how nice it is to read happy blogs. But more than that, I want to be honest. Maybe, by only putting my nice thoughts here, I'm losing the honesty in my blog. Am I? Or is it okay to tell only half the story?

Here's an honest moment:

Everything is about him, just as it shouldn't be, but of course it is. That's how I prioritise; completely out of whack. But, there's some little possibilty that I can see his side of the story; that maybe it doesn't make a difference if he never loved, maybe it changes nothing. I know, I've fooled myself in the past into thinking I like someone, cuz I find out they like me first. And it's not like that changed things for me, is it? Besides, if he never loved me, it means I didn't really hurt him that much, and that certainly eases up the guilt.
And still, it's all about him. I know he ruined me yesterday, I remember how I felt, and yet, I can forgive his so easy? Why am I talking about how he made me feel guilty? Shouldn't it be the other way around? But it's not, because he is still everything.

And back on topic:

Ebony rules!!

Hehe. Me, Amy and Bryan are taking over smithteens :L. So far, 46 memoirs straight, just us 3. It's so cool! And then, like, we're talking on MSN, and not even mentioning it. It's so weird.

Holy shit.

My library of music is on random.
And I just got to Amazed.
It feels like it's puching me. Each beat of music.
My chest is getting weaker and weaker.
And then the pretty music comes in, the violins, and they sounds like they're sawing something, me?
Punching's getting quicker, but not as strong.
Now it's in time with my heartbeat, not the song.

And now, it is finished.

And I'm putting myself back together again.

Jeez, and I used to just feel nauseas.

Ok, I'm sorry about that. It was really freaky. Like... I could feel myself being destroyed by a bloody song.

Ok, and moving on...

I feel like I have a reason to smile.

I don't know what it is.

But I feel it there.

I'm gonna share some more 6 word memoirs. Some of the best. But I'm only using the more unknown authors. The ones that have one-hit wonders. No Bubbles, no soulcages, no October, no coulda.been.a.comet, no esalamy, no J600y, no ThrivingViolet, just the obscures.

don't kid yourself. you saved me. – caramabelle135

Beginning of my story starts now. – skittles

Never meant to fall in love. – Jade.

I always colour outside the lines. – feigning

He’s taken but I’m in love – ashxsanta54

no distance is too far, love. – on yr radio

I stood crying in the rain. – hithink

You caught me when I fell. – Eralyn

Somewhere, someone else is reading this. – Roschach

where's my undo button in life? – Lavender_notebook815

i convinced myself you were perfect – wakexup14

sitting here wishing i was okay – whereya@?

I just need a hug, damnit! – Groar

I'm a teen and I'm happy – simplykay43

I'm not sure I can anymore. – murx

There you go, I hope you enjoyed that. For more of a 6 word memoir fix, go here, and flick through the archives. And enjoy! ++I'll have more for you soon. Maybe some more famous ones too. I think I'll do some blog dedications to the awesome people who make my life even more awesome.

Hehe, I'm listening to Addicted to you - Anthony Callea

Omgsh, it's getting me so happy. Just the beat. And singing along crazy!!

Whee! Bout it!!

Hehe, love music!

I love that my playlist can do this to me. I mean, sure, you get the crappy songs that make you feel all shit, but you also get the ones that make you feel awesome.

My Top 10 songs that I've heard today with my playlist on random (In no particular order):

1. Bout it! - Yung Joc

2. Addicted to you - Anthony Callea

3. I don't remember - Powderfinger

4. The Zephy Song - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

5. Light up the sky - Yellowcard

6. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

7. I really want you - James Blunt

8. I'm just a girl - Bachelor Girl

9. This Aint A Scene - Fall Out Boy

10. Stacey's mom - Fountains of Wayne

Eventually, the blog must end, and I must eat breakfast.

Although, by now, I should just move on to lunch.

Anyway!

Farewell readers, who know, I might not post for another 2 days!!! :O:O

Then what will you do??

When you have relied on my blog so much for so long!!

You: Uhhh, yeah.

Oh, it will feel so weird, not to blog. How will you ever survive??

More to the point, how will I ever survive??

But I did it!!

I blogged everyday for a month!!

Sometimes more than once!!

I look forward to taking up the challenge again next year.

Ps: I hope this post adequately ended NaBloPoMo

PPS: It will be so weird, not to tag my blogs with that anymore...

I like colours

I’m back to normal again (I think). I was just soo pissed that I had to blog. I’m scared if I read it again, I’ll get pissed again. Hmm, how weird.

Ok, some random things

Uber uber congratulations to OCTOBER and THRIVINGVIOLET, who wrote sooo many 6 word memoirs, they filled an ENTIRE ACCOUNT, and started new with October (the sequel) and Thriving Violet – continued.
And a little congrats to me, who found myself favourited on 2 peoples profiles today, yay!

++ ive started tagging my blogs.
Ive gone back to the beginning and started adding tags to things, seemed like something I should do, eventually.

I’ve tagged with things like: NaBloPoMo, 6wordmemoirs, friends, family, love, life, etc etc.

Now, I’m sure everyone appreciated all my random thoughts yesterday, and did you guys notice how happy I was?? Yeah, I’m working on getting back to that. Music helps. And distractions (i.e. work, which is where I will be 5-9pm tonight, visit me anyone?)

OK, I don’t know how prominent you guys are in the blogosphere, but just in case you live under some sort of rock, I just thought I’d tell you about BLOGSECRET which took place on November 18 (I would have done it if we weren’t at camp).


The rules were these:
1) Write an anonymous blog post. It could be about anything that is a secret. Work. Family. Affairs. Crimes of the heart. Crimes of the street. Recklessness. Accidents. Hate. Bitching. Whatever it is that you don't want to share on your own blog. Or under your own name.
2) Email Nilsa your submission no later than NOVEMBER 15. In this email, make sure to include the name and http:// address of your blog.
3) On November 16-17, she emails you someone else's post. It will be stripped of all headers, email addresses and other potentially identifying information. She will not reveal the identity of anyone else's submissions.
4) On NOVEMBER 18, you publish the submission sent to you over the weekend- this is someone else's secret- and yours is on someone else's blog.

Quite simple really, just a way to get out your secrets, and it was a huge success, with 79 bloggers participating. Go here for a full list of participating bloggers, and read through to find the blogsecrets, they’re really raw and emotional, and worth the read.

I’ll probs post some for you guys cuz I know how lazy we all are.

Oh, and here, how cool are these quotes:

I didn't think it was possible to out-queer figure skating, but look out! Here comes ice dancing!

And you can't break a gay man's fingers. Because then how would he sew.

:L:L I found them at Things My Boyfriend Says. And yeah, they’re cool.

So… I know this morning’s blog kinda sucked and all. But that’s what happens when I go all moody, it’s sorta funny really. Hmm, the me of this morning wouldn’t be very happy that I’m laughing at her, would she??

See! I am schitzo.

OK, here are some “hopeful” quotes/song lyrics/random errant thoughts:

Lost my shoes. Found winged sandals. – wolfgirl

When I first met smithteens, that was the first favourited memoir. Even now, it seems so special, because back then, being favourited was such a great honour. I think I missed the beauty in it originally.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale CArnegie

That makes you wanna keep trying when you lose hope. I guess that’s something I do a lot, lose hope. I’m so very melodramatic, when something good happens, the world is perfect, and when something goes wrong, suddenly it’s all over.

Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light. – Dorothy Thompson

It’s such a clever idea, no? Fear representing the unknown, and light being knowledge.

What if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? – Jane Wagner

Now that’s a little scary. Cuz at the moment I’m sorta all moody.

Once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. – Bill Cosby

Yeah, laughter is the best medicine, and smiles make things happy. Thankyou to everyone who was talking to me this morning, and made me laugh/smile/happy.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. – Oscar Wilde

Sure, he may be the only reason I look at the stars, but at least I’m dreaming big, right?

Eskimo proverb:
Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.

Now there’s a beautiful thought. That love really shines that bright. That people we love still exist within us.

You know… it must take so much strength to be atheist. I can’t imagine life, having nothing to believe in. Remember when I posted all those memoirs the first time? And I said I wrote one of them. Yeah well, it was “Sometimes, it helps to have faith”.

There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

I think maybe life is a miracle. Maybe it really means something.

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.

I think this morning, I was taking comfort in the fact that things had to get better, and look! They did.

Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope

With this, I beg to differ. Without hope, one curls up and lets misery eat away at them, but they still survive, even though they would feel better not to.

I'm not crazy, I just believe – melissaaa

Yeah. And believing makes all the difference, doesn't it?

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We'll find a place together
Fly on my wing

See, you're happier now, huh?

Death by broken heart

"i did fall in love with u once, but i believe it was because of the fact that u said u liked me first,
perhaps if i had of been more secure with myself i would have realised all the things that now make sense

... it was a superficial love,
i really knew nothing about u,
i liked the fact that i could talk to u without having to "dumb down"
i liked the fact that a pretty girl showed interest in me,
i liked the fact that u were quirky and different.
But now i see that stuff isn't enough, we're both at different stages in our lives, both after different things..."

Still trying to trust his words – edyka

jeez, that makes everything better, doesnt it?

couldnt you see that that was going to hurt me?
and how could you say you knew nothing about me? when you knew everything. i told you everything. i told you stuff im still too ashamed to put on this blog. i let you in on absolutely everything!!
and then i gave myself to you and gave you permission to destroy me.
i think i would have preferred if you did it then, rather than now.

Don't give up on me, please. – coulda.been.a.comet

everything just stopped making sense.

i actually thought we were on the same page for once. you told me we were.
i didnt think you'd take back everything.

Some things never make any sense. – angie

you were the only person in my life that made me feel special. that made me feel good about myself.
if you didnt mean it, you shouldnt have said it

Just please tell me the truth. – angie

i was ready, finally, to try. to try to do something for myself, and for you.

i dont think this is making sense. i dont think my life is making sense, so maybe this is just a reflection of that.

i feel dead inside.

My soul's dying without my angel. - ThrivingViolet

contrary to what you may think. you know everything there is to know about me.
i trust you with my life.
and i trust you with the deepest darkest parts of myself.

Puddles of problems and no mop. – coulda.been.a.comet

why is it that the only person who could ever understand everything suddenly doesnt care anymore?
and why is it that just when i'm finally happy, the best friend ive ever had takes back everything he's said to me??

My tears can't be fought anymore. – Kelseyy

here, i wrote this yesterday, i was gonna blog it today.
i still want to. even though it means is so different to what it used to mean


You changed me in beautiful, permanent ways. (I sooo would have used that for a memoir if I didn’t feel so bad about changing the meaning by shortening it). I just wanted to tell you what some of those ways are, since I’m crazily obsessed with you, and may as well use my overthinkingness especially regarding you in a more positive way.

1. My overthinkingness. Yeah, thanks heaps. It’s okay though, I’m only overthinking about you, and it’s nice to have such focus. You know, it has improved my will power, being able to focus more clearly on specific things.

2. My vocabulary. It has actually acquired a little more sophistication than my vocabulary of a year ago. My sentence structure has improved too.

3. My discipline. Sure, I’m still not the model student, but I will listen to some rules laid down by authority, thanks for helping understand that people want the best for me. You explained things so well, I’ve learned to analyse things the way you did, and understand them.

4. I fight for what I want. I used to argue because I enjoyed it, now I argue to make change. “Be the difference you want to see in the world”. Well, I’m fixing things little by little.

5. I’ve stopped caring so much about what other people think of me. If I have nice friends and family, and people out there that love me, I don’t need to care what everyone else wants me to be.

6. My dedication. The way you spoke about 36636422, it was so beautiful. You thought I would be jealous after all of that, but I told you “actually no, I’m surprised that someone could love someone else so much” and then I thought to myself, ‘could he ever feel that way about me?’ But I don’t care anymore whether you feel like that about me. To know for sure that love like that really is out there, to know that there’s a chance that you will feel it, and even just to witness it, your dedication has made me see beauty in the world.

7. As hard as it may be to believe, I’m less selfish than I used to be. I weigh opinions, and I try to come to a rational response. If I don’t have at least 24 hours to think it over, however, I make the selfish decision. I’m only rational whilst lying in bed at night, because that is the only time I allow you to have any influence over me. During the day, I still wonder if it was all just a dream, but looking out my window at the stars/moon, I know it was all true.

8. You taught me to care. I used to only want significant details of people’s lives. I only wanted to know the big things (i.e. why their life wasn’t perfect). Now, I’m anxious to know everything, to be involved, to understand everything about a person. I think this is subconsciously because I want you to know everything about me again. Also, because, if I can be the perfect friend to someone else that you were to me, I deserve you again.

9. You know I’ve always thought you were perfect, but not in a “oh he’s so amazing” sort of a way, it’s just that, if you asked me a few years ago who I wanted to be when I was older, I would have described you. You made the right decisions, the ones I never could because I was embarrassed or ashamed, or I thought it would lead to something I didn’t want. Thank you for letting me see that the perfect me can still exist if I try hard enough to do the right thing. It’s really helping me do things the right way.

10. My OCD. I think I actually got some of that from you. Sure, I was already a little crazy, but you focused my craziness into something more definable… I still remember how obsessive you used to be…

11. Addiction to chocolate. Remember the caramello koalas? Yeah, that started it. Before that, chocolate was just nice, you made me fall in love with it :).


Ok, so there’s heaps more, but I’m getting al lovey-dovey and I’m pretty sure you guys really don’t care.
Point is: my ex-best friend is awesome! And you should all wish you had someone as cool as him to influence your life!


...

Sad thing is...

You still expect us to go on as if you had said nothing.
You think that because I'm not in love with you anymore, I won't care that you never really loved me. You think that we should go on, and try and piece together our friendship again. You think that this changes nothing. That it’s irrelevant because it’s in the past.
And you don’t know that I’m sitting here falling apart, because the one thing I thought was real is suddenly just another lie.

Everything.

ok, if i dont blog. then i totally die at NaBloPoMo. But it's all stormy, so I should turn off my computer.
If I don;t get a chance to get back, on, then this will do.
Uhhh, dunno what to write.
Far out, go back through my blogs and click on a link, that'll give you something to do.

here, ill just put a quote:

Charlie: What colour are my eyes? (turns around)
Kevin: (Talking to her back) Well, at first glance your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. And if you look really close around the iris, the colour is pure honey. But when you look into the sun, they look almost look green. That's my favourite.

___________________________________

Later that day:

Part 1:

6 words: My life's a string of lyrics - soulcages
Song lyrics (you love me, trust me, and you'll forgive me for this):

ABBA:
One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night

As I held my breath, the world stood still, but then he just smiled

Taylor Swift:
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Anna Nalick:
I shine a little more lately

Michelle Brach:
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?

There’s a will
There’s a way
Sometimes words just can’t explain
This is real
I’m afraid
I guess this time there’s just no hiding

And I’ve heard that you can’t fight love, so I won’t complain

Delta Goodrem:
Hearts that don’t love can’t be broken

Part 2:

6 words: Love comes in many different ways. – Tinkcmc16

Oh, and, have you guys heard the song ‘OK, Here’s The Truth’?
It is soo cool.
It’s about this guy who has a feeling that his wife is cheating on him, when she comes home late from work with bad excuses, and in the end, he finds out that he was at the doctor, and she’s dying. And now, he doesn’t care anymore, he just wants her to be OK.

There's a look on her face
She's starting to master
And she carefully closes the door
She's been coming home late
With pre-packaged answers
To questions she tries to avoid

Now she's talking too fast
And I just have to ask
Baby what's all the cloak and dagger for?
Okay here's the truth
I ran out of gas
& I didn't call cause I thought you'd be mad
So I started to walk
Took an hour and a half
To get off that highway and fill up that can
I was hoping that you'd understand

She's getting good with the lies
So good that you'd wonder
If the rabbit in the hat tricks for real
She turns water into wine
And I'd almost believed her
If her eyes just for once could keep still

Now my patience wears thin
Cause she's late once again
Honey tell me what delayed you this time

Okay here's the truth
It's gonna sound kind of strange
But I took a new way home from work for a change
It started out fine
Til I got to Route 9
Went an hour the wrong way before I realized
I'm sorry I ruined all your plans
I was hoping that you'd understand

And there watching her secretly talking
It is just about all I can bear
Now I know why she's been wearing
More Make-up and caring
So much about changing her hair

The telephone vibrates on the table again
Another damn private call coming through
And now she's visibly shaking
And I just feel like taking that phone
Throwing it clear across the room
She answers “hello”
A mans voice I don't know
Says “it's time that you tell him the truth”

Now I can't take this no more
Honey I'm out the door
No, I won't relaxI got my suitcase all packed
What she said next stopped me dead in my tracks

Okay here's the truth
It's not what you think
The man that you heard is head of oncology
I'm sorry I lied
To you all of those times
I didn't know how to tell you
I might not survive

Okay there's the truth
I've got six months to live
Only wanted what's best for you and the kids
I promise I'll fight
With all of my might
But if I lose this battle
I lived a good life

So baby just please hold my hand
And tell me that you understand

Part 3:

6 words: My angel can fly without wings. - ThrivingViolet

And on an unrelated note:
So yeah, I did it. Well done? I dunno, it feels like I’ve done something wrong, why do I feel guilty? I thought I was doing the right thing, I put so much thought into it, and yet…
If I just got an answer, maybe I’d feel better about it. I mean, you still checked, so that means something, but you haven’t… said anything. Ugh, I hate that you mean so much to me, it’s so degrading.

Moving on.

Part 4:

6 wors: The stuff that enters my mind... – hirokee
Life is really happy. I just need to not think too much, and I need to smile. It helps, you know, smiling. And focusing on the positives (i.e. friends, creating connections, Christmas coming, school almost over) And 6 word memoirs. They always help.
And love.
And imagination.
And beauty. (i.e. me :P)

And jokes, teasing, mucking around. (i.e. lisa/corinne)
And sentimentality.
And using big words (i.e. sentimentality)
And emotion.
And story telling.
And childishness. (i.e. enjoying big words)

And talking things through.

And learning together.
And smiling together.
And teaching, learning, experinecing.
And understanding.

And happy music, and peaceful music, and just all cool music.
(i.e. It’s not easy being green – Kermit the frog)(:L)
And quotes. Quotes make things good.

And poems.

Here’s one by Amanda Bradley

Follow your dream...
Take one step at a time and don't settle for less
Just continue to climb.
Follow your dream...
If you stumble, don't stop and lose sight of your goal
Press to the top.
For only on top can we see the whole view
Can we see what we've done and what we can to
Can we then have the vision to seek something new
Press on.
Follow you dream.

See?? My craziness makes me happy. No wonder I’m always smiling :L

Here, this is from Karen’s blog:

"I believe laughing is the
best calorie burner. I believe in kissing,
kissing alot. I believe in being strong when
everything seems to be going wrong. I believe
that happy girl's are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day,
& i believe in miracles."

Hehe

‘Don’t ever ask me for reasons why I live for you. I just do.’

Boyblab

Ok, too bad, I wanna blog about him again, cuz he’s my every thought, so you guys just go read my other blog for today so you don’t feel like killing me.
You’re kinds perfect, you’re kinds everything im not…
But I wish I was.
You’re the me I wish I could be but never had the guts
I keep saying this, but I need to re-iterate it
Because I want you to know why I’m so bloody clingy
And why I can’t let go
Even though I should
You know what I hold onto??
I’ll tell you:
I feel like I’ve stuffed up.
With life.
I mean, sure, maybe it’s self-esteem issues, or whatever. But I’m pretty sure I stuffed up. This isn’t how I was supposed to turn out, I did it all wrong.
But you? You did everything right. You ended up as the perfect me. The right person. And you know how people always say “If you were someone else, would you be your friend?” I always think no, cuz I’m a bitch. But when you talk to me, it’s like… maybe I haven’t stuffed up as much as I thought I had. Because if the person I should be still thinks I’m okay, then maybe I am okay.
I don’t even care if that makes sense, because I don’t need it to make sense to anyone but me, or to anything but my heart.
That’s just how things are.

I’m still holding onto that tiny bit of me that wishes I could be you.Because even though things are usually pretty stuffed up in your life (and so say all of us), you must get some self-satisfaction out of knowing that you’re a good person. That you try hard, and you do the right thing.

Drama/stress

Today’s word: trepidation
What it means: alarm or agitation
Why I care: I saw it in mX. (Yes, I got mX today!!!!! [Of course you’re jealous])

Today’s 6 words: Someone stop me. Shut me up. – October

Okay, so we’re doing our ‘Life on a String’ performance (probably) for our year assemblies in week 9, and all you lucky year 9ers get to watch.
Problemo: we don’t remember our script.

Ok, well, it had three parts, and I remember my part. I also remember Imogen’s part (most of it) and half or Pradeepti’s part (sure, my memory’s crazy, I think it’s my OCD). But can Pradeepti remember the rest of hers?? Oh no!!! She’s so silly that she couldn’t even remember the bits I was writing. *shakes head*

So I asked my sister if she recorded it, cuz I was sure she did. But no… I was just imagining things. So then I sent an email to Mo asking if she kept the script or if she remembers it, and I’ll see how that goes.

And you guys know how I stress, yeah? Like at camp, at the music thingo, I was stressing when I couldn’t remember the songs? Yeah, well, although I remember at least 75% of the script, I am stressing to the max about the rest of it.

_____________________________________________________

I should be writing my English report/doing my Geo thing, but I’m too stressed. I’ll finish Geo tonight, but I dunno if I’ll get a chance to write the whole page for English.
*sigh* Why am I so crazy??

____________________________________________________

Ok, umm, here’s something Jenny said to El in music that was really funny (yesterday)

J: So when’s your birthday?
E: October 30th
J: October… November… October November, it’s passed??
E: You were at my birthday party!!!
J: Oh yeah!!

Lol.

Random shit of the day!

I have a Whole Lot Of Shit to post on this thingy
Like, I've already written the next 10 blogs.
I only need to blog everyday up to next week, so I'm not gonna need em all, so I might combine bits from all of them into this one.


PART ONE:

Found on Miish’s page.

Write down what you want to say to ten people, but never will. Don’t write their names, leave it anonymous and never speak of it again.

Person 1. – You know I’ve been working o building our friendship since the beginning of the year when I first laid eyes on you. I gave up about half way through when you lost interest in playing our stupid game anymore, but after camp, I wanna try again. I know you’d be a good friend for me, and I for you. Please give it a go… I just wanna understand you.
Are you complimenting me? Hm. Interesting. – weasleyswizardwheezes

Person 2. – I think you’re being very selfish about this decision you’re making. It’s not even your decision to make because it influences everyone around you, and you clearly don’t deserve that power. I thought you were a better a person, but you hurt my friends and you don’t care. I’m trying to forgive you, but it’s so hard for me.
Close ones crying – kills me inside. – randomperson

Person 3. – You have GOT to stop being so damn self-centred. Sure, that’s a little hypocritical of me, but I have a blog, so I get to judge people. Life is not always about you, and you should actually LISTEN to people when they’re trying to tell you something, not just talk about your own problems, because when something is wrong, I expect to be able to tell you about it without feeling like I’m impending on time we should be using to talk about you.
this is no fairytale......its life – reneigh

Person 4. – Ok, just a little piece of advice. I don’t want you to let it go. I WANT to talk about my problems, you just need to get me to open up a little. I’m willing to tell you everything, and you know that, but I won’t tell you stuff you’re not interested in hearing. Ask me if you have something you want me to tell you. You know I will.
Tear me open; see my soul. – ThrivingViolet

Person 5. - Thankyou for putting some effort into our friendship, I truly appreciate that. (Not that needs effort, for some reason, it's really natural). That's basically all I want to say, 'thanks', but... I dunno, I'll never say it to you. THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU.
You Make Our Connection Absolutely Right – MirrukuChii

Person 6. - I don't like what you're doing, couldn't you tell that it would hurt her? And yet, you did it anyway. Well that is NOT OKAY with me. I don't know how to stop you, but I will try very hard to find a way because she didn't deserve that!
Everyone close to you, hurts you - ThrivingViolet

Person 7. - I feel sorry for you, but I don't want to. I WANT to tear you to pieces, because I know I have that power. It's weird to feel so violent, but I like it. You don't deserve my sympathy. If I didn't have a conscience, I would hurt you like I know I can. You're hurting EVERYONE I love, and you don't care, because someone hurt you, and you can't deal with it. I do feel sympathetic, but I don't like you attitude.
I hope it gives you hell. – shelled

Person 8. - I can't do it. I know I said I'd put in the effort for you, but I can't do that. I can't because I'm not you, I don't have your will-power or determination to do what you think is best. I know what's best for me, and I can't do it, because I have something you lack, and that is understanding. Sure, I would love to do exactly what you ask of me and never look back, but I won't; because both of us deserve better than that.
Stop talking, stop asking. Just listen. - October

Person 9. - Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a joke. PLEASE don't treat me like one. It's not funny that I get annoyed when I see you, it's not funny when I burn with rage. I'm hurting, and you're laughing, and I don't like it at all. I'm more than that.
I cried, he laughed. Ugh, jerk. – sk8hotti

Person 10. - I know how hard you're trying to do the right thing, I really do. But maybe, you could be more objective. Step outside yourself to do this better, because you're not doing anythig right. In fact, you're all wrong. Change. For me.
Just a girl with some problems. - coulda.been.a.comet

----------------------------------------------

PART TWO:

Regulars.

Today’s vocab word: Abnegate
What it means: To refuse or deny oneself
Why do I care? Because it’s something I should try, I’m too selfish.

Today's 6 words:
You get me thinking. Bad move. – October

Uh, here, just a link to a nice blog post, not an actual blog, just a cute post. http://coloradolady.blogspot.com/2008/11/colors-that-layer-heart.html

--------------------------------------------

PART THREE:

Random

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows, but in addition sees something else: the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” Just something nice :)

And here, I'll write this thing down, cuz it's like, in me, and I always write what I feel. Even though it's irrational, and in a few minutes I have a mood swing and feel different.

Maybe it wasn’t fair on either of us. Maybe it wasn’t fair on anyone around us either, because I know that I influenced them too. But it hurt too much to contain to myself. I guess, I put a lot of myself into creating something beautiful, and I wasn’t ready to give it away.
But after everything, I was left with a torn family, broken promises, and only a piece of something that I used to have all of.
Still like that I guess.
Especially with the family.
And I still remember all your promises. Including the ones you’ve kept. And the ones you broke instantly.
And that little piece that I have… it’s dulled a lot, by comparison. It doesn’t shine as much, and I wish I could give it back, because it belongs to you, not me. Only I can’t give it back, because I’ll never take back mine.

So of course it made us hurt people; when two people are pulling at something that gets cut, they both fall over, and when other people are holding on to them, everyone falls over. At least, that’s the best metaphor I can think of.

There’s really no point to this, other than to convince myself that I did the right. Or at least that what I did was okay, or understandable. I guess, if you did the same thing, I can accept that it was right. But, if I truly believed that, I wouldn’t still be trying to covince myself, would I?

Familylife

Always better with writing than speaking. – coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like writing about something I don’t normally blog about, because it’s a little too personal. But I want my blog readers to know EVERYTHING, so here, read and enjoy:

At least Dad has recognised the problem, but he doesn’t express himself very well. Idiot. She’s so upset now. What he MEANT was that she really shouldn’t be worrying too much about changing the house when the two of them have been sleeping in different rooms for three years. What he SAID was that she’s “too focused on materialistic things” and that she “cares more about the house than the home”.

At least he’s finally realised the problem, right?
Although I’ve only recently come to terms with it. And I think my sister has too, so ‘opening up old wounds’ suddenly has so many different meanings in my life.
You guys don’t realise that not telling me stuff hurts me more.
Sure, you’re scared that if you say something it will cause me to think about it and all the connotations associated with it, but that’s my problem!

I want to know anyway. Tell me anyway. Deal with problems head on. Because Nikki and I have run out of ways to deal with this. IGNORE IT is as far as we've gotten.
I don't know how you want me to deal with this, but you guys had better sort yourselves out, cuz you KNOW we can't just go on like this.

5 things you don't know about me.

Okay, here’s some serious karma for you. On the weekend, my mum said I could chuck a sicky yesterday (as I actually went to school on Friday) and what happens? I get sick! Yesterday and today! Soo not fair, I NEVER jig, how smelly.

Moving on.

Tagged by Amy, but took a while to actually post.

From Amysaurrr to Ebony

[Five things about Ebony that relatively few people or blog readers know:]

1. Ever since I started my blog, I love telling people secrets, now I keep hardly anything to myself, I tell you guys everything, if you read my blog, you’re in my head. I give you the opportunity to see everything, it's up to you to take that opportunity and understand me.

2. I fall in love a lot easier than you guys realise. Because I only tell you if it becomes big (i.e. overwhelming or semi permanent). But there are about 20 guys in our grade who I have, if only for a few seconds, fallen for. (I would name you them, but at least 2 read this blog, and at least 5 are complete idiots)

3. I relate better to people who have experienced depression. This is because they understand me when I get moody, or when I have things I need to tell them about. I often fall into depression, especially when spending time by my self, or in some sort of personal crisis.

4. I’m ashamed of many different parts of myself. These are the parts I joke about the most. Like, all my jokes about being cool and awesome are because, in primary, I had really really low self esteem, especially since people were always putting me down. Now that people agree with me about being cool, even if they’re kidding, I feel better, so I joke about everything that hurts me. It does actually help.

5. When people tell me they love me, I go all warm and fuzzy inside. Even my family, who tell me multiple times each day, make me feel special when they say they love me. I think that’s because I’m more of an honest person now, and it feels nice to understand how people feel.

Uhhm, tagging Uyen, Allan, Lizzie… you know what, no one reads my blog. If you’re sad enough to be reading this, I tag you!

Random. I'm sick, leave me alone.

Today’s vocab word: Abhor
What it means: To loathe/hate
Why I care: Allan used it in his poem :) and I was curious… ta da!

Today’s 6 words: Happy endings are just unfinished stories. – LoveMeEasy

I was watching star dust today. So beautiful, but it ended with the words “happily ever after”, and that made me cry :P weird, huh? That something so beautiful can also be a reminder of how ugly the world is. Okay, okay, I’m going all DNM again, I’m very sorry, I’ll just leave it at this: stardust is cool :):)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, I’m gonna go now
Because I’m sick
And if there is ever a time that you should be relieved from prioir NaBloPoMo commitments, it is when you’re sick.
Ciao

Songs :)

Busy today, autoposting, only got time for song lyrics



The Show - Lenka


I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop'
Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not


I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why


I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Bruises - Chairlift

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell you on yeah everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell on you yeah everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands but everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for
You-ooo etc...
For you-ooo etc...
So black and blue-oooo etc...
For you-ooo etc...

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like....
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blueI got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for you

OKAY ppls, bye bye now

One Last Cry - Westlife

My Final Goodbye

Note to all boys: I quit. - 133222

this is it. my last blog about you. promise. you know why? cuz i have bigger fish to fry
ive finally straightened out my priorities
and instead of being irrationally and unrequitedly in love with you, i shall focus on more important things

so here i am to say goodbye
to say "i'll being seeing you" and walk away
because i dont wish you were here anymore
i dont love you, i dont like you
i dont even care about you as much as i used to

it really was surprisingly easy to get over you

i guess it's like amy said, it's easier if there's another guy
and there was, for about 24 hours
and then i gave up on both of you
and now im happy... enough.

im single and loving it
im glad that i liked you, and i dont regret the time i spent wishing you were mine
because back then, you truly were a good person to me
now ive seen more of you, and i dont like the rest

im glad i loved you, and im glad i dont anymore
everything worked out well for me, everything to do with love anyway
so, i'll be seeing you

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf,
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else

Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings were
I give my best to you
Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry, one last cry before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you outta my mind this time, been living a lie
I guess im down to my last cry...cry

I was here, you were there
I guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me

Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings were
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry, one last cry before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time, been living a lie
I know I’ve gotta be strong cause why I’m in love goes on and on and on and on, oh

(Instrumental)

Im gonna dry my eyes right after I have my

One last cry, one last cry before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time, been living a lie
I guess im down
I guess im down
I guess im down to my last cryyyyyyyyy, ooh

I'm Back!

You want you 6 words and you KNOW it
Lying on rooftops, contemplating the world - redteacup

ok, im back.
after my lovely CAMP!! and my birthday, i am back.
i have a few things lined up to blog about over the next few days
e.g
1. Best Frieds :)
2. My Final Goodbye
3. Friends @ camp.
4. My Birthday
5. Australian Idol
...etc

BUT for the next few days ill be really busy what with going out for dinner, spanish school, staying the weekend w/ my aunty and my birthday lunch with family
so i shall maybe autopost a little bit of this stuff in advance, like, say, today?

ok, blog numero uno ~ Best Friends :)

19-11-08 11am

Now that's just not right.
You shouldn't be my life ANYMORE.
And I don't even mean in a romantic way, I mean, my whole life shouldn't be about us being friends.
Because it is!

You know why I took that leap of faith?
Because I made a deal with God
(yes, I have prgressed to fully-fledged insanity)
I made a deal, that if I trusted my entire life to a piece of rope; He owed me.
He owed me you.
We have to able to be friends again
Because I need you back, and God promised.

This is when I decided not to put this on bebo.
This is when I decided that you are my entire life.
This is when I decided, that I've stopped caring.
Stopped caring what my friends think.
Stopped caring what my parents think.
Stopped caring that my 'criminal' jacket actually tells the truth.
Stopped caring that I'm doing the wrong thing, that I always do the wrong this.

Because God owes me.
And all I want is you.

still 19-11-08 4pm

Changed my mind...I think.
I shouldn't want you that much.
It's unhealthy.
I'm sure there's heaps more things I could be focusing my attention on
But did i?? Oh no!

"Here Ebony, fall down this cliff"
"Oh sure, God, all I want is my best friend back"

That's just not right... and yet, it feels right.

How can something feel right and wrong at the same time?
More to the point, how can something BE right and wrong at the same time?
Or is it just wrong, and it only feels right because I want it so much.

20-11-08

OK, the way I see it I have two options

Option 1. - the RIGHT option, yes ebony, yes it is.
I stop talking to you altogther. i walk away, and i destroy us both
i know how hard it was for you to forget me, and i know how you held on
i know how easy it was for me to forget you, but you're just a better person than me, ok?
and i knew it would hurt you to lose me, beause, well, i saw how you were with 36636422
so what, i just do that to you again?

you are an amazing person. you are a perfect person, you do EVERYTHING right
you always do what is better for other people, and you always listen to adults, because well, you are one (okay, maybe i shouldnt remind myself of that fact)
so, do you truly deserve to be walked out on again?
i know you've had it tough in your life, and i wanted to be the only person to never fail you
but i did
and i regret it, can i live with hurting you again?

or am i just trying to talk myself out of this option so i can pick the wrong one?
but... i cant hurt you. not again.

Option 2. - the WRONG option, hear that? wrong! with capitals!
i ignore what everyone feels is the best thing for me
and i start talking to you again
i destroy my relationship with my mother, as well as the only bit of trust ive managed to build with her over the past year
i do what i want
with no regard for other people and their feelings
i let myself yself be your friend again
fully aware that i WILL fall in love with you again
and fully aware that that IS illegal.

21-11-08
i was happy again for a second this morning, but then i remembered last time i was happy
and i remembered that i hadnt figured out my situation with you yet
and i remebered that i didnt have a solution
and i said byebye to my happiness

i WANT to be happy again
sure, i know i dont deserve it!
but i want it, and i usually get what i want

sure, im selfcentered
i know, deep down, that i dont deserve happiness, because i am such an awful person
but i also know that you are perfect, and you DO deserve happiness
but do i only think that this will make you happy because it will make me happy?
and if not, do I have to choose between your happiness and everyone else's?
and so now, i sit here, typing away, not knowing which option to choose
just knowing that i cant hurt you again...
i cant hurt myself again...
i cant hurt my family again...

but also knowing that i will hurt ALL of them.

Hippiness/Love/DNMs

Ok, I have this thing, right? Everytime I time I see a sunrise or sunset, it think it’s a sunrise. Maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m blind, but of course I have this really deep and meaningful way of looking at things: 

 I don’t believe in endings, only beginnings.

 See? It was cheesier than you thought it would be. 

 But now, when I see them, I think they’re sunsets. 

You want me to be DNM again?? Yeah? You know you love it.

 I’ve realised that all good things come to an end, and eventually, things end more often than they begin. 

 I’m SUCH a hippie, aren’t I?

 *sigh* 

 I love my hippiness, and be honest, you do too! 

 loveLOVElove. 

It’s become my whole life, huh? My every thought, my every BLOG, so weird. I mean, not totally unusual for me, I’m such a LOVEly person :)

Its been on my mind so much lately, though. I try so hard to tell myself that it doesn’t matter. But it does, of course it does. Love = life. Well, for me anyway. I know that’s wrong, I know that it should be a little less significant in the grand scheme of things. But it’s not, and for me, it never will be. 

 I fall in love too easily. Some people are jealous of that… but they shouldn’t be, because, it’s soo confusing. And then you feel all slutty. But, like, it’s genuine. Sorta. So that’s ok, right?

I dunno, I still feel like an idiot. 

 Ugh, this is so smelly. 

I get back from camp today. But I have to go to work at 5, so I dunno if I have time to blog, so I'm gonna autopost his one too, like Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday when I will be (by now WAS) at camp.

 Weird to think that by the time you guys read this, camp will be over, I will be 15, things will be different. Time is so strange, where does it go? If no one is in a room, does it disappear?? 

 Hmmm. Ok, just before I leave, I need to give you guys a really funny mental picture. My are getting me a PS2 for my bday, and singstar. But they didn't know if it worked, so they tried it out! My Dad won! They both got tone deaf *shakes head* Then again, my mummy, like me, sings flat. So I can understand. 

 And my Dad was probably so unused to actually knowing the words to the song...

Quotes

Ok, so I was surfing the net (as you do), and I stumbled across a compilation of quotes. If you guys give them a chance, they’re very good. (I know, I know, they’re all about LOVE, but it's my birthday, so I can blog about WHATEVER I WANT).) Read, and enjoy.
{{Half have what they’re quotes from, the rest, meh}}

Hearts will be practical only when they are made unbreakable
The Wizard Of Oz


Heartbreak is agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on, and you can't breathe... you don't want to eat... you can't function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel, and the worst part is, there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture, and you know that it's yours for life.
- Dawson’s Creek

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- When Harry met Sally

"And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older,
'cause we never really had our closure, this can't be the end.."
- Hinder, better than me

"Sometimes things don't turn out the wayyou want them to. Sometimes the peopleyou choose to believe are wrong.Sometimes there isn't a good guy and a bad guy.Sometimes even the ones you want to believe turn out to be liars. The first boy is always the hardest to get over. It's just the way the world works."--Ashley, THAT SUMMER, By Sarah Dessen

TRIXIE: "It's crazy, right? To love someone who's hurt you?"
JANICE: "It's crazier to think that someone someone who hurts you, loves you."
-The Tenth Circle

"Don't ever cry over something that wouldn't cry over you." -Laruen Conrad

True love is felonious. You take someone’s breath away, you rob them of the ability to utter a single word. You steal a heart.
And there's a part of me that still believes if you want Superman to show up, first there’s got to be someone worth saving.
-My sister’s keeper

After all -- people die, computers crash. All we can do is breathe and reboot.
--SEX & THE CITY

The puzzle is my heart and the final piece is you

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle feel in love with a hideous beast, Jasmine married a common thief. Ariel walked on land for love and life, Snow White barely escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat, and tears, because love means facing your biggest fears.

It's funny how you go through the year and nothing seems to change but when you look back, everything is different. It's amazing that no matter how much we tell ourselves that we won't change for anyone, we always seem to. And no matter how much we say we won't care what they think about us, it's the number one thing on our minds. If you look at how I used to be and you look at me now, you'll realize I'm not the same girl I used to be. All of this shit got to me. I've always avoided fights. I make jokes instead. I tell people what they want to hear just to avoid confrontation. I pretend to want things I don't want and I pretend not to want things I do want. No one gets hurt except me. The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want. I just know I want it to be easy... And sometimes it's easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it's easier to be numb towards certain people so I don't let them get too close. Sometimes I'm scared, but when I act numb towards *you*, it doesn't mean I don't care it means I care too much.

Boys. They’re so stupid. Just when everything is perfect, they turn around and do something so idiotic, so horrible, and they crush your entire world. The guy you thought was the only one that was worth something, that was not like the others, well, you drop your guard, and you see him standing there, with a grin on his face, a sign around his neck, saying “I’m just like the others. You just didn’t see it, until it was too late.”

If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you're going to stay, then stay forever. And if you want to leave, then do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk, please mean what you say.

People think that if you love somebody hard enough,
then everything is just going to work out.
well, people are wrong.

"&& i really wish you'd come back.
Not to say hi, or to tell me how good you're doing without me;
just to stop by, and to give me the one thing of mine you never returned:
my heart."

Time has moved on.
You've surely moved on.
Everyone's forgotten about us.
So why can't I?

Now that I know what I know,
I know that I will always love you.

And you say you're over him, but you can't deny it.
As hard as you try to undo that knot of love,
you can't untie it

Do you know the most surprising part about heartache?
It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart, or a head-on car wreck, it should.
Because when a person you've promised to cherish forever says, "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You should have to wake up day after day after that.
trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.

its no use,
trying to forget about you.
because every time i hear that song..
you come back to me.

People say you have at least
5 dreams per night.
That's like 2 thousand dreams a year.
So at least one of those
Has to be about me..

There`s that occasional night
where you just break down & cry,
cause you know that no matter what;
things will never be the same.

Maybe thats what happens,
you fall in love to fall apart,
and yet you'll always want to
do it again.

it's funny how the sweetest things
are the most forbidden.

Funny how time changes, but feelings don't

Please don't pretend that nothing happened
that you never stopped for a second glance
don't wish we had never met
when all I can do is think about you
don't pretend that your heart didn't skip a beat
or that your stomach didn't do flip-flops
and for my sake please dont forget me.

he landed smack in the middle of your
world, and turned everything upside down
until you were addicted to his smile,
his voice filled your dreams,
and everything that didn't make sense
before is all of a sudden perfect.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

Do you ever wonder? I mean about us, what happened? It's almost like our relationship was a piece of paper ; crumbled up and thrown away. What would have happened if we didn't throw it away? Maybe we would still be together, maybe not. Or maybe we secretly haven't thrown it away yet. We're saving it because someday we hope we can pull it out of our pockets and rekindle what we once had. It's that we don't want to lose what we had, but we know it's already lost. I wonder that a lot and I wonder if you wonder sometimes too.

He doesn’t know what’s right.
She doesn’t know what’s wrong.
She only knows the pain that comes
from waiting for him so long.

the second chance means nothing if nothing was learned from the first.

Ebony's a Working Girl Now

ok, so as some of you know, on Thursday, I went fora job interview, and on Friday, I was told I got the job *throws party*. So on Thursday at 5pm, I have my Induction, before then I need a bank account, TFN, uniform, and I have to fill out some papers.

Bank account – on Monday/Tuesday, I caught the train to Livo and was picked up by my mummy + sister, to go to the Commonwealth Bank to get us both bank accounts. I OFFICIALLY have $100, oooh, I am soo cool.

TFN – Yeah, I picked up the forms at school, but never really got around to filling them in. But that’s all right, they have the forms at my work (!!), so I can do them later.

Uniform – My mum/sister/both will pick up my top during the week, whilst I am at camp. But on Saturday, I bought:
· Skirt (really pro looking, and very long. My mum wants to shorten it)
· Shoes (really comfy, and pretty, I like :))
· Pants ( they’re ¾ cuz I couldn’t find the normal ones that I liked in my size :P).

Papers – Meant to fill them out before Monday, but they haven’t been organised, so my mum/sister can go fill tem out on Monday when I’m at camp, and then they’ll get my signature on Thursday.

++ I CAN go to madd night!! :) Cuz that was meant to be my induction, but then it was moved to this Thursday so ALL IS GOOD. :)

Lousie Rennison

OK, you guys may or may not (say, if you’re noob like Corinne) heard of the movie Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging{http://www.angusthongsmovie.com/intl/uk/}, you have? Oh goody. Well this movie was based on a book, do you know what that book was called?
Angus, Thongs and Full-frontal snogging. (No, I do not know why they changed the name). This book is part of a series, Confessions of Georgia Nicholson. We all up to speed? OK.

This series currently has nine books:
Angus Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging
It’s OK, I’m wearing really big knickers (In USA, ‘On The Bright Side, I’m Now The Girlfriend Of A Sex God’)
Knocked out by my nunga-nungas
Dancing in my Nuddy-Pants.
…And That’s When it Fell Off in my Hand (In USA, ‘Away Laughing on a Fast Camel’)
…Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers
Startled by his furry shorts
Luuurve is a Many Trousered Thing (In USA, ‘Love is a Many Trousered Thing’)
Stop in the Name of Pants!

Anyways, so reading the Confession books, I discovered a whole new way of life. Seriously, her vocabulary alone is completely out there. I leant Corinne one of the books durig roll call last week, and she couldn’t understand half of it (:L). Sure the books have the occasional “sheer bonkerosity” or “red-bottomosity”, but they are VERY good, and worth the read. Here, I’ll be mean/cool, and give you guys a teaser of ‘Dancing in My Nuddy Pants’ (opening paragraph):

“I’ve just seen a sparrow quite literally washed off its perch on a tree. It should have had its umbrella up. But even if it had had its umbrella up, it might have slipped on a wet leaf and crashed into a passing squirrel. That’s what life is like. Well, that’s what my life is like.”

Look, ok, I'm at camp and I have nothing else to post about :P

LOVEactually

STOP… wait a second… damn you missed it.
I was happy!
Like full on, goofy smile happy!!

Yeah, it went away. Now I’m content. But I was happy, for, like a split second. I love that I'm happy, I love that HE made me smile by saying we're just friends. Man, I LOVE being happy.

Hmm, I actually want to blog about Love Actually, but then I went all happy and interrupted myself. But it’s okay, I forgive myself.

You know, I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but Love Actually is the world’s most coolest movie. You know why? Cuz it doesn’t have a happy ending. Wait, no, it doesn’t have a PERFECT ending.

Cuz they guy whose secretary loved him even though he was married still doesn’t have a perfect relationship with his wife.
And the guy who fell in love with his best friend’s wife still doesn’t have her, even though he thinks she’s perfect.
And the guy who is a ‘has-been’ has realised that he’ll never find love whilst he’s got his manager, and he’ll never have another hit song.
And the guy whose wife died at the beginning of the movie is still never gonna be the same

But through all of that, it’s happy. People smile, and people laugh. It’s not perfect; it’s a lifetime away from perfect. But everyone can still be happy.

I LOVE that movie!! <3

Surviving Myself

6 words: Laugh loud, dance retardly, don't care – march hiker chik94

Ok, I know, I know, I’m directing you guys to all kinds of sites, introducing you to 6 word memoirs and CleverGirlGoesBlog, and even linking you to Postsecret. But I have an addition to make to that growing list.

His name is Chris. And he is a fabulousamundo poster from Surviving Myself. Now, I know you guys are probably too lazy to just check out that link, so I’m gonna try and put as many teasers here as possible so that you start to read the blog everyday, just to see if he’s written something funny, become obsessed, like me! (Y) {{each teaser is linked to the full blogpost}}

OK then

1. Osama must’ve been one hell of a Hide n’ Seek player as a boy, one of those kids who would hide so well that you’d eventually just give up and go home for dinner

2. I do not like goodbyes, in the “I’m too lazy to say bye” kind of way. Instead of acting like A Normal Person and saying a quick “see you later” to all who are with me, I simply bolt for the nearest exit, disappearing into the night like a crackhead stealing a pair of socks.

3. I like to consider myself The Best Driver In America. I don’t even use my blinkers because I change lanes so swiftly that they are a waste of my time. You’ll be sitting there, still marveling how we “Made amazing time!” when suddenly we’ll be parked perfectly

4. *talking bout wheres wally* Think about what it must be like to be friends with that guy.You’re hanging out, having a good time, you turn your back for a second and the dude is gone. AND he always wears the same damn clothes. What’s he trying to do - be funny?

5. I am an expert Uno player. The best? Perhaps. Better than you? I would bet my first born on it. Come and challenge me if you feel you have the skills, but I must warn you, it will not end well for you.

6. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but there are men out there at this very moment with their shirts tucked into their underwear. I was alerted to this phenomenon this morning when I was getting ready to leave the gym. I looked up from tying my shoes and there was a guy stuffing his shirt into his underwear. I wonder what exactly this person’s life entails that it made him decide that an extra layer of security was absolutely necessary to keep his shirt in line. Maybe this person just gives an inordinate amount of high fives.

7. Well, it’s official. I’m getting dumber. I’ve thought this for awhile, specifically because I can’t seem to do simple division. But now that there has been a study released stating that drinking shrinks your brain, I have all the proof I need.

So go check out awesome Chris’ page. Go on! You know you want to.

141108

Attention ppls in 9M/E:
you know how we share our link period, yeah?
well this arvo, shiri/aash/hunaiza and me was talking on the bus about 9E/R class swapping todays, and we thought, why dont we turn up for the wrong periods for link?
just to annoy the hell outta kearney!!
cuz he always has the wrong roll anyway :L, and we like aggrevating him =D.
you in?? well talk more later, but it seems like a fun idea :)

Attention all year niners:
if kearney brings his pink/blue stripey shirt on camp, will you guys help me burn it???


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i said id blog happy on the weekend, so ive still got one day left.
but today, i realised, i am happy.

i dont care which option is right or wrong, im just gonna follow my heart, and let the chips fall as they may.

today, i shall begin my happy blogs, with more about the 6 word teen communtity.
yeah, i know, i know, im getting annoying, but i love these guys so much.

so here a some 6worders:
I'm smarter than your average nut. - coulda.been.a.comet
Not shooting star, just a plane - coula.been.a.comet
My Prince Charmings' around here somewhere... - soulcages
Reading Twilight; A Novel Experience (Chuckle.) - soulcages
Meet online, love before first sight – ivealwayslovedher
Rejection taught me to love myself. - small and on a search
Didn't fit in. Stopped wanting to. – coulda.been.a.comet
Never thought it would be you. – iamaspen
Even I don't completely understand me. – ThinkTink7

ok, thats it. :)

on a side note:
I guess, I never before realised how much the smithteen society relied on each other. I mean, sure, we’re there for each other, and we write for each other, but we’re also so close. We pick each other up. Although we have our most prominent writers (e.g. Bubbles, October, coulda.been.a.comet), we have other writers too (e.g. the 3 people I inspired to create accounts) and we all comment, and support each other. We’ve become a sort of family. I’m beginning to get worried that I’ll run out of words, and end up with nothing to share. I’ll rely on their words to get me through, just like some dormant writers rely on ours. I want to be able to give, as well as take. I’m so glad I’ve got them.

Now guys, for real, if you’re relying on my supply of 6wordmemoirs, STOP! Go to the site! Even if you’re just there for 5 minutes, you’ll become inspired. Create an account! We can always use more writers… unless you’re shit (:L), but if you mean it, and you feel it, we will too. (I LOVE being part of a “we”). Please go, seriously, leave! I only give you the 6worders that apply to my situations, so take some initiative, and go find some words that apply to you. You’ll find out that you’re not alone, and it’s an incredible feeling.