Tell Me Why.

Confession #5: I'm scared.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

"When you smile, I will smile." - CobbleStone

And you might think i'm bulletproof, but i'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why..

Break

Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages



Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.

Ride it out.

Confession#34: It's all worth it.

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

"To hell with Photoshop!
You're beautiful."
- theliterarybulimic



Hmmm.
I feel a lot more relaxed today.
But I don't wanna go to work =(
I feel like listening to music.
I feel like listening to every song ever made.
Because, right now, I don't want to feel like me.
I want to feel like someone else.
And it's not that I'm not happy.
I actually am.
Which is why it's weird.
But, you know, shit happens.
In fact, this happens a lot to me.

...I miss school.

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."

The lonely people

Confession #68: As we sat there, and we watched, you told me how awful her mother was. How over protective, over bearing, how cruel she was. You told me she wanted too much from her child. And I just laughed a little on the inside.

"Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question: they wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that."

"Nothing will ever please you mom." – tiggerbabyy

Today was a chocolate sort of day. But, as per my resolutions, I didn't have any chocolate. I might have some later.
Today was just a bad day. Everything hurt, sitting down hurt, but getting up hurt more. Moving my head hurt, but focusing on one point hurt more. Everything just hurt.
I feel sick. And I had a bad hair day. Mum woke up and said "what happened to your hair?" Which, is, sorta funny, I guess.
Ugh, I dunno, I'm too tired to care.

Meredith: Just leave me alone.
Derek: I just want to make sure you're alright.
Meredith: No! I'm not alright? Okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not alright. Because you have a wife, and you call me a whore, and our dog died, and now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me.
Derek: I am not looking at you. I am not looking at you.
Meredith: You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. And I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop!
Derek: Do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She, she doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything not to be looking at you.

Aussie Day

Confession #37: I feel lonely without you here.

“I mean, if life's so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What's up with the need to hit the self-destruct button?

...Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know, maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

Starry, infinite skies make me insignificant. – hirokee

Today is a happy day. Today is a pretty day. Today is the say we celebrate being Aussie. And it just so happens to be stinking hot. How Australian.

I am one of those people that love Australia Day, I have Aussie board shorts, I bought some Aussie flag fake nails, and Aussie tattoos. I wear either green and gold or red and blue. Every year. Down to the red lip gloss.

A few years ago my family went into the city to watch the fireworks, last year we were driving home from holidays. So we bought some Aussie flags for the car. It feels good to be Aussie.

Ok, well, I'm gonna go and do something more productive now.
Wish you were here.

Who are you?

Hello, I'm Ebony, and I am lying to the entire world. I am lying because I am scared of what you will think if you hear the truth. I'm lying because I'm scared of what you will say to me. Of how disappointed you will be in me. I'm lying because you are always disappointed in me, and I can't bear it. And you think I do it to annoy but I don't. I'm so scared of disappointing you that I pretend to not try to impress you.

Hello, I'm Ebony, and I don't want a good job. All I want is to spend my life being a mother. I want to trek back and forth to school and extracurricular activities. I want to cook a meal everynight with my daughter, and then put on something lovely and have dinner with my family.

Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm a dreamer. I spend more time thinking about what's potentially going to happen in the future than actually living in the present. I don't pay attention to what I'm doing, more what I've done, and what I'm going to do. I live in the past and the future. I live in my dreams.

Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm going to be ok. And I flip out and I worry about shit that doesn't need to be worried about, and I even have dreams about fictional characters and wake up hating their enemies (that means you Addison Shephard). But I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok.

Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'd like to hear about your life. Who are you? What are you like?

Here's the truth.

Confession #4: Despite what you may think I feel, I find that absolutely atrocious, and I am glad I never let myself agree.

““I’m jealous of children. I envy them.” You said.

I asked you why.

“Because their pockets are empty. They don’t need to carry anything. No cell phones, wallets, car keys, cigarettes, lighters, iPods… you know what I mean? They’re free. As we get older, we give ourselves more and more things to worry about. To lose. Reasons to pat our pockets in a panic in case we’re missing something. A list to run through in our head before we walk out the front door. That’s why I envy children.”

I nodded and finished my drink, wondering if I had my wallet with me.”

Here's the truth: I'm really scared. – OrangeTree.

What's your secret?

Stupid timetable

Hello peoples who I'm sure missed me.

I am back, woohoo!
And I have my stupid timetable.
AND I DON'T WANT PECK!!!!!!!!!
So yeah, my teachers for this year are

Chemistry - Peck
English - Schultz
Maths - Dillon
Legal - Pollock
Modern - Pollock
Physics - Trotter
Maths offline - Dillon

Please tell me if you have any classes with me =)

Oh, and can you guys do something for me?

Take your left hand, and put it on your right shoulder blade, and leave it there.
Now take your right hand, and put it on yor left shoulder blade.
Now, squeeeeeeeze.
That was your hug from me =)
Don't say I never give you anything.

Holidays

I am genuinely surprised that I had the patience to navigate all the way to a page for a new blog post because oh my gosh the Internet has never been slower due to my silly mother downloading an entire season of Men In Trees at once and DEVOURING any remnants of downloads we may have left.

But I'm going on holidays tomorrow anyway so when I come back I shall have Internetage.

I'm going to Callala Beach which is about 2 hours down. We're taking the doggie as there is a dog beach not too far away. Please miss me lots xD

Today, I made a chocolate cake.
And I KNOW I have a new years resolution about less junk food but I swear! I'm doing so well. I deserve a treat. =} And there's some cream in the fridge that I can whip to ice it with so that it doesn't go off whilst we're on holidays. Haha, that's actually not a bad excuse.

Oh, and my sister got her Ps yesterday, so now she's all awesome. And she appointed me as her personal navigator but I got her lost already :L:L. It's not MY fault it was a no right turn and we had to keep driving and end up in the never never. I think I did quite well, considering.

Anyways, that's all I have to say. I will miss you all. But not this sssllllooooowwww Internet. Be good and stay safe (unless you're May Lyn, and then you stay stafe.)
Live long, and prosper.

100 Truths

001. Real name : Ebony
002. Nickname(s): Ebz, Bonnie
003. Zodiac sign : Scorpio
004. Male or female : Female
005. Elementary : St Joseph's/Newbridge Heights
006. Middle School : Hurlstone Agricultural High School
007. High School : Hurlstone Agricultural High School
008. Hair color : Black (at the moment)
009. Long or short : Medium length
010. Loud or Quiet : Loud...
011. Sweats or Jeans : Jeans
012. Phone or Camera : Phone
013. Health freak : No
014. Drink or Smoke? : Neither.
015. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes, sorta :L
016. Eat or Drink → Eat
017. Piercings → Ears
018. Tattoos → Not yet

HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane :Yes
020. Been in a relationship : Yes
021. Been in a car accident : No
022. Been in a fist fight : No

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing : Ears
024. First best friend : Aileen
025. First awkward : Dunno
026. First crush : Reece :L
028. First big vacation : Gold Coast/Cairns

LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to : Nikki
030. Last person you texted : Victor
031. Last person you watched a movie with : Stra Trk with family
032. Last food you ate : Sorbet
034. Last song you listened to : Drenched In Fear - In Flames
035. Last thing you bought : Spa pedicures for me + nikki + mum
036. Last person you hugged : IDad

FAVES:
037. Food : Olives
038. Drinks : Pineapple juice
039. Clothing : jeans
040. Books : i dunno, books that make you think.
041. Musics : Pretty much everything.
042. Flower : Frangipani
043. Colours : Green
044. Movies : Romcoms
045. Shoes : Sandals
046. Subjects : Science =D

IN 2009..... I

047. [ ] kissed in the snow (I've FINALLY been to the snow !! :DDD)
048. [ ] celebrated Halloween
049. [ ] had your heart broken
050. [ ] went over the minutes on your cell phone
051. [x] someone else questioned your sexual orientation
052. [ ] came out of the closet
053. [ ] gotten pregnant
054. [ ] had an abortion
055. [ ] done something you've regretted
056. [ ] broke a promise
057. [x] hid a secret
058. [x] pretended to be happy
059. [x] met someone who changed your life
060. [ ] pretended to be sick
061. [ ] left the country
062. [ ] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
063. [x] cried over the silliest thing
064. [ ] ran a mile
065. [ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
066. [ ] stay single the whole year

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating : no i'm not
068. Drinking : not that either
069. I'm about to : go to coles :L:L
070. Listening to : Dark Star - Grateful Dead
071. Plans for today : My sister's bestfriend and her family are coming over at 4. We will do shit.
072. Waiting for : Tomorrow.

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? Yes, boy girl boy boy.
074. Want to get married? Yes. Saturday November 4, 2017.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
076. Lips or eyes : Eyes
077. Shorter or taller? : Shorter than me =P (at least in heels)
078. Romantic or spontaneous : Spontaneously romantic
079. Nice stomach or nice arms : Nice arms
080. Sensitive or loud : Sensitive
081. Hook-up or relationship : Relationships
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant : Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts : Don't have them but I lose Sunnies. < same.
084. Ran away from home : No
085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense : No
086. Killed somebody : A few sims.
087. Broken someone's heart : No
088. Been arrested : No.
089. Cried when someone died : Yeah, everyone, even goldfish.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself : Generally, yes, just sometimes, I ahve my doubts.
091. Miracles : Yes
092. Love at first sight : Yes
093. Heaven : No
094. Santa Claus : I belive in the spirit
095. Sex on the first date : No
096. Kiss on the first date : Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? : Yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? : Indeed I am.
099. Do you believe in God : I'm pretty sure I don't
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 15 people. Uhhm, yeah, people reading? Go do this thing. :L

After all of that, the part I hate most is that you told her first, instead of me.

Confession #11: I was not okay.

“Gravity doesn't exist. The Universe simply sucks.”

Someone is always better than you. – soulcages

I get it now.
Jealousy.
At least, I think that's what this it.
I mean, I'm no expert on the matter.
I just always thought it was an emotional pain.
But that's not true.
It's a physical pain.
It's where all of your joints lock up, and just laying down puts you in an unbelievable agony.
You can't feel your knees because of the pain running through each of them.
It's where your stomach feels like there are little bugs inside.
Slowly, eating away at everything inside.
Everything you have left.
And you feel empty.
It's where your back feels like it's been set on fire.
It's the pain that makes you lie awake at night, in your bed. Because sitting stil hurts.
So you sit up, and you rush through the thousand things you wish you could say.
Things that would make them understand how you feel.
And after a while, the pain stops.
Until you lay back down.
And allow it to consume you again.
Allow it to tear you apart from the seems again.


At least; I think that's jealousy.

Either that or I should really see a doctor.

Lonely.

Confession #73: I miss you more than I should. I dream about you more than I should. I love you more than I should. That's what people tell me. I disagree.

“If you get between me and the things I love, I will ask you politely to move.
If you get between me and the people I love, you will move.”

Talking to you makes me sane. – Poodahead

Ok, so I've been... basicallly, a bitch.... for the past few days now. I've been in the most feral mood ever. And I feel like venting. But, I'm not annoyed at anyone in particular. I just get really really angry REALLY easily.

I think it has something to do with my new years resolutions.
Because I said that I would not sleep until I'd done something good for someone else. Which totally conflicts with the resolution of Do things for myself, not anyone else. I'm trying so hard to do my one good thing (and let me tell you, I am totally on track with that) that I'm ignoring myself. And I'm not happy. I want to be happy.

So yeah, that's my whinge for the day. I have to take my dog to the vet (again) today. He has a weird lump near his tail. =S I will come back and whinge again later.

Because 2 blogs in one day isn't enough

In 2009 I... [ ] Dumped someone [ ] Was dumped by someone [ ] Dyed my hair [ ] Failed a class [x] Fell in love [ ] Had love at first sight [ ] Had more than one boyfriend/ girlfriend [ ] Snuck out of my house [ ] Stayed up all night [x] Cried because I missed someone [ ] Had detention(s) (I can't remember a single one!) [ ] Missed curfew [ ] Kissed someone who I regret kissing [ ] Danced crazily with my friends all night [x] Gained confidence [ ] Lost a friend [x] Gained new friends [ ] Changed my look In 2010 I want to... [ ] Be more outgoing [x] Get better grades [x] Care less about how I look [ ] Care more about how I look [x] Be crazier [ ] Get a new bf/ gf [xx] Stay with the bf/ gf I have right now [x] Keep my resolution [x] To be more of myself around people In 2009, my age was: 15 > 16 A word to describe 2009: lovee In 2010 I will be turning: 17 (holy shit) Something I want to happen in 2010: be in joannie's class for once Something I don't want to happen in 2010: become sad My theme song to 2009 would be: i don't really know. My favorite colour in 2009: green =) My best friends in 2009: AMY Jenny Lisa Joannie Judy Victor Honestly, will you miss 2009: yeah, i will, i actually really liked that year, i think... a lot of myself changed. i actually grew up a lot. which still terrifies me. but at t he same time, i feel... responsible. and it's pretty cool.

Terrified

I'm so sick of those early morning phone calls.
They all scare me.
The urgency in your voice.
How frantic you sound.
The fact that you don't want to talk to me, only him.
I always answer.
You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
But I doubt I ever will be.
People tell me you're overreacting.
But I know what it's like.
Sometimes they don't
But I've received those phone calls.
I can tell now.
I am terrified.

Happy Today!

It's finally here.
2010.
It's so... big, and scary.
And I think, something's meant to be different.
But it doesn't feel any different.
I'm just as scared and confused about everything.
And a list of stupid resolutions aren't going to change anything.
And I've already broken the nailbiting one. At about 1 o'clock this morning.

---

And... I miss my family.
No one's ever around. Between work, and visiting my grandfather, and making plans... we just don't see each other. And now whenever we do see each other, we all tell each other off. (Although I did lose $75)
I think I'll enjoy our holiday in a few days.
Simply because there will be no distractions, we'll get to be us. The whole time.
...that will be nice.

---

I told you I was scared. And you comforted me. You told me I didn't have to be scared. You told me that sometimes I should just give in, and do what I want. But that's even scarier. And this is something that has been scaring and confusing me since we started joking about your birthday. And I haven't told you, but I feel like if I don't give in, I'll disappoint you too much. And I always disappoint you. And I'm sick of it. And I wish I could make you happy without everyone in the world thinking differently of me. And usually, I can. But sometimes...

---


I avoid some people on purpose
I’ve thought about cheating (but you brought it up)
I hate the way I look most of the time
I actually like the way I look most of the time
I’ve been swimming in an ocean
I’ve been swimming in a lake
I have a sibling
I have pets
I’ve been on vacation recently
I love meeting new people
I am insanely shy
I’m on a sports team
My best friend is a boy (one of)
I play music
I don’t remember the last time I mailed a letter
I talk on the phone almost every night
I drink milk almost every day
I’ve kissed someone in a bathroom
I’ve kissed someone in bed
I’ve kissed someone at school
I’ve kissed someone I just met
I’ve kissed a good friend
I like to read
I like to watch tv
I couldn’t care less about video games
I hate my mom and dad
I’ve had a crush on someone for 5+ years
I’ve never asked someone out
I can touch my nose with my tongue
I love pizza
I actually love going grocery shopping
I love to travel
I’ve been to another continent
I wish I had time to watch more movies (I wish I had a better time budget)
I miss being a little kid
I’ve been to a public pool recently
Summer is my favorite time of the year
Winter is my favorite time of the year
I have a favorite holiday
I have a favorite holiday other than Christmas
I’ve been to a concert recently this year (not much has happened this year :L)
I drive
I have my own car
My room is almost always messy
I’m listening to music right now
Music helps me work
The last person I texted was a boy
I want a new phone really bad
I love cartoons family guy.
The last thing I drank was water
I used to play with barbies
I collect something (paychecks and movie tickets, and the things you get in christmas crackers)
I’ve been to a carnival recently
I know what syncopation is
I need to charge my phone
I have a huge crush on someone right now
I’ve kissed someone within the last 24 hours
I’m still in my pyjamas
I have to go to school tomorrow
I need to clean something
I’ve hurt myself on purpose
I’ve thrown up on purpose
I’ve broken a bone
I’ve eaten something weird
I’m an extremely picky eater
I’ve been out to eat recently
I love going to the mall
I hate big groups
I remember the last party I went to (i guess last night sorta counta)
I’m on the phone right now
I’m watching tv right now
I’m eating right now
I’m on the phone, watching tv, and eating right now
People say I’m funny
People say I’m pretty (only you)
I’ve been told that I have gorgeous eyes
I need new clothes really badly
My hair is up right now
I need to shave my legs
I remember the last time I went to the doctor
I actually use my locker at school (its always full of year before stuff though :L)
I get good grades
I have a MySpace
I showered last night
I spy with my little eye something that is green
I spy with my little eye something that is round
I spy with my little eye something that is broken
I’ve had surgery
Someone I know has died
Someone I know has had cancer (no one told me he had cancer until he passed away 2 weeks ago)
It’s past my bedtime
I’ve moved before
I’ve moved 4+ times
I’ve gotten something removed
People tell me that I have good hair
People tell me that they like my clothes
I wish I had some money right now
I have a job (one shift in 3 weeks is NOTAJOB)
I need a job
I actually got a stupid class ring
I’m listening to someone talking right now
I wish I could talk to the boy I like right now
I’ve kissed someone in front of my parents
I’ve kissed someone on New Year’s (haha)
I love Halloween
I remember the last time I tripped (yesterday)
I can see a picture of me from where I’m sitting
I can see my reflection from where I’m sitting
I’m kinda scared of the dark
It’s hard to sleep with the door open
It’s hard to sleep without a blanket
It’s morning
I played soccer when I was little
I played basketball when I was little
My ears are pierced
My belly button is pierced
I plan on going to college
I plan on getting married
I plan on having some kids
I babysit
I still get an allowance
I curse a lot
I got so drunk last night (everyone else did :L)
I’ve been to a wedding recently
I’ve met someone special on vacation (special only because i wrote part of my story about them)
I have an accent
I know someone who has been homeschooled
I know someone in a band
I can sing really well (i can singstar :L)
I can dance really well
I suck at math
I’ve never slow danced with anyone
I suck at spelling
I recycle
I am pro-choice
I know some rednecks
I want to get a tattoo
I want to get a new piercing
I hate MTV and VH1
I miss an ex
I still love an ex
I’ve slapped someone
I’ve punched someone
I’ve been told that I have a nice butt
I think my boobs are too small
I wish I could lose some weight
I can play the guitar
I can speak another language
I am fluent in another language
I can play the piano
I’ve been told that I can’t dance
I’m a cheerleader
I have a sweet tattoo
I have a sweet facial piercing
I need to practice something
I want to go to Mexico
I want to go to Canada
I’ve traveled across the country
I live on the east coast
I went to the beach last summer
I remember the last time I was insanely sunburned
I like to waste time
I like to sleep
I think I’m going to get asked out soon
I keep a journal
I don’t remember the last dream I had
My first kiss kinda sucked
I think smoking cigarettes is gross
I’m wearing something that belongs to someone else
My mom fixed the last meal I had
I’ve never gotten my nails done
I should be doing homework right now
I’m adopted
I love sappy movies
I love horror movies
I love musicals
I’ve seen a broadway show
The last person I hugged was my mom
All of my grandparents are alive
I miss my boyfriend
I haven’t talked to my best friend all day
People tell me that I’m short
Sometimes my socks don’t match
I can’t wait till my birthday
I’m a procrastinator
I’m not like everyone else
I like strawberries
I like thunderstorms
Someone’s mad at me right now
I hate when people are rude
I’m an optimist
My first relationship ended badly
I love when boys hold doors open
I’ve kissed 2+ people in one day
I’ve had a boy sleep over at my house
I bite my nails
I’ve been caught doing drugs
I’ve been caught cheating
I haven’t been to Disneyland/Disneyworld
I’ve passed out from drinking
I get angry easily
I’m laid back
I hate most girls
I love getting new shoes
I hate Chinese food
I don’t remember the last time I was grounded
I’ve been in love before
I’ve been cheated on
There are certain songs that remind me of my ex
I gave someone their first kiss
I straighten my hair more often than I should
I’ve been to a funeral this year (this year is very small, but i did last year)
I am insanely hungry right now

Welcome to 2010!!