So, Anzac Day has always been this crazily important day for me, and it's getting moreso as the years go by. Initially it was just the anzac march thing, and then the anzac biscuit thing and then the footy and now all the little traditions we have, down to the tiny details that seem incredibly insignificant.
And I love that. I love all the crazily excessive stuff we do, I love that the traditions have built when my family has been falling apart and I love that Anzac day is such a special thing for me. As I tend to put it, it's as close to a religious holiday as I get.
This year, again, it was a beautiful day of happiness and sadness and shock and pride and all the feels. I never want to stop feeling what I feel and how I feel it. I never want to stop being the girl who cries at uni as she reads a book about the most beautiful book ever written. Oh to feel this utter joy.
---
Which brings us to the nerdfighter gathering today (a transition you can't see because you don't understand the significance of failing families and religious contexts to nerdfighteria, and you don't have to[fuck off google chrome, nerdfighter is a word! It's a thing, ok?]). The gathering was sunshine and music and chatting and costumes and bear hugs with people I've never met. It was holding hands as we put money in the collection bucket and laying on the grass together. It was feeling at home and comfortable with people that most would consider total strangers to me. It was evaluating the importance of music to society and discussing hsc subjects and nerdfighter like and everything that is good. It was seeing people I haven't seen since primary and making tentative plans with people from other countries who'd better keep their asses in Sydney long enough to have coffee with me. It was being on someone's list. It was lying on the ground to see someone's face to check if they were ok, even though we've never met.
The nerdfighter gathering was everything I love about the world and everything I love about Sydney. It was everything I love about science and everything I love about education. It was explaining the concept of triple integrals and discussing different forms of intelligence. It was a reminder of what it is to have privilege and to want to eradicate privilege from the world. It was having best friends whilst being completely alone.
I hope that over time I attend many more of these beautiful gatherings and meet many more wonderful people and nerdfighter noobs. I hope I never forget to be awesome.
Goodnight my sweets.
Showing posts with label i think too much. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i think too much. Show all posts
Friday, 26 April 2013
Friday, 13 July 2012
drink more. think less.
Bonus blog in the middle of my holiday, makes up for being slow with the posting...
"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows
"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham
"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."
I was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.
There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?
I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!
"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows
"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham
"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."
I was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.
There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?
I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
But you'll never be more wanted
And it's nice, you know? Talking to you is just nice. Every conversation feels like it should have a backing track with grand music and violins. I look at our messages to each other and just sit here smiling. This is comfortable and beautiful for the first time in a long time.
The awkward moment when you trial hsc takes away all of your spare time and you feel all your friendships crumbly away.
I feel so distanced from everyone in my life at the moment. I'm really glad I have some time off now to just chill, I really need it. Our whole grade needs it I guess. We haven't taken a break in like, a year. It feels good to destress.
I feel so distanced from everyone in my life at the moment. I'm really glad I have some time off now to just chill, I really need it. Our whole grade needs it I guess. We haven't taken a break in like, a year. It feels good to destress.
At least tonight,
It's just you and me and honestly
That's everything I need
I'm sorry I let you down. He's right. I should just admit that nI stuffed up and buy you some flowers or something. Is it my stubbornness that stops me from doing that? Or is it a deeper resentment towards you that you can't accept me for who I am, you can't you like me like this. You want me to change.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to change for you. I don't want to be ashamed of myself simply because I didn't turn out the way you want me to. This is who I am. Which is as much to do with you as it with me. It's too late for you to want me to be anything else. The only thing that can change me now, is me.
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
My computer, Ella, crashed so I'm on mum's laptop now which means I have no pictures. Many words, many songs, but no pictures. I did back Ella up, but I'm not sure where the external hardrive ended up in the move. Eventually, I will sort my life out, I promise. Until then... have a song.
Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm
Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?
You tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?
Don't tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Ya da... ya da... ya da
To sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back
Winter is coming and I need to stay warm
The heat.....
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
I'm sorry I let you down. He's right. I should just admit that nI stuffed up and buy you some flowers or something. Is it my stubbornness that stops me from doing that? Or is it a deeper resentment towards you that you can't accept me for who I am, you can't you like me like this. You want me to change.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to change for you. I don't want to be ashamed of myself simply because I didn't turn out the way you want me to. This is who I am. Which is as much to do with you as it with me. It's too late for you to want me to be anything else. The only thing that can change me now, is me.
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
My computer, Ella, crashed so I'm on mum's laptop now which means I have no pictures. Many words, many songs, but no pictures. I did back Ella up, but I'm not sure where the external hardrive ended up in the move. Eventually, I will sort my life out, I promise. Until then... have a song.
Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm
Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?
You tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?
Don't tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Ya da... ya da... ya da
To sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back
Winter is coming and I need to stay warm
The heat.....
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Monday, 9 May 2011
Under my skin
You are right, and I know you are right as I walk away and your voice fades from my mind like a distant memory as I shush you with my constantly nodding head.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.
---
If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.
---
We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.
---
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.
And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
---
I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
If you would come back, I might remember.
---
I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.
---
So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.
---
If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.
---
We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.
---
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.
And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
---
I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
---
I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.
---
So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Monsters
I haven't blogged in forever because I'm scared of the little monsters in my head that I always tend to release when I write blogs (yes Ebony, those monsters are honesty).
And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.
Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.
I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.
I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.
I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.
And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.
Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.
I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.
I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.
I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Granted
Ok, so it has been sort of a while since I last blogged, because, well, I'm not sure if you remember, but I have this little quiz at the end of the year that I have to study for every now and then. So yeah, the lack of bloggage (and well, let's face it, friends) has meant that I have been doing relatively well in school of late. Also, I'm becoming best friends with like, all of my teachers, in an almost creepy way (I'm apparently on a first name basis with Ms Schultz?)
And what with my life experiences and never actually fitting in with anyone, least of all my family, I have been able to write an almost kick ass short story about belonging, which is, well, yeah, pretty kick ass. It's weird that everytime I tell my life story, there's always one thing that I have to mention; one person I think about an awful lot. I don't think I'm supposed to think about you this much, I doubt you consider me such a large part of your life, but you made me who I am, you see, and you are the main part of my life story.
"If someone told me I could have it all back
No more writing or reflecting or thinking on what could be
I’d tell that person they don’t know me at all
Cos you made me who I am and they don’t get how much you mean to me" - Alex Day
I feel like listening to music and just being happy right now. Because, sometimes, life is just beautiful, and it's important to remember that. "You notice someone cutting you off in traffic. But not that the earth is still here for one more day."
Miraculously, the Earth is still here, and I am still here, and you are still here. And we are still here. Together.
Friday, 11 February 2011
Alwrong
Because physics is hard and life is hard and I can't always deal with all of it. Because smiling is hard and reading is sad. Because getting drunk washes away problems. Because I don't like me. Because you made me like me and then you stopped liking parts of me. Because you laugh at me when I stuff up. Because I stuff up too much. Because bad people judge good people like hypocrites. Because you are a terrible person and I am not so bad but you flaw me for being human. Because you all make me ashamed to be human, and maybe that's my problem after all. Because I like being human and I like being flawed and I like my mistakes. Because without mistakes I can't grow and I have to grow. Because I'm not you, I'm me. And I'm a sad me.
The truth is that girls think about sex just as much as guys. And they want it just as much as guys. But they're too afraid to say or do anything about it because they're too scared of what other people will think of them and what they will think of themselves and that they will not like it or will regret it or will be labelled. But that doesn't mean they don't want it.
Either that or it's just me. (And Amy when she's tired ;p)
Am I alright? Is anyone ever alright? I mean, all is never right. Sometimes some is right, but never all. I wish people would stop asking me if I'm alright. You're half the fucking problem. Life is sad, and lonely, and no one gets out alive anyway.
Not everyone has a happy ending, but I hope you do.
The truth is that girls think about sex just as much as guys. And they want it just as much as guys. But they're too afraid to say or do anything about it because they're too scared of what other people will think of them and what they will think of themselves and that they will not like it or will regret it or will be labelled. But that doesn't mean they don't want it.
Either that or it's just me. (And Amy when she's tired ;p)
Am I alright? Is anyone ever alright? I mean, all is never right. Sometimes some is right, but never all. I wish people would stop asking me if I'm alright.
Not everyone has a happy ending, but I hope you do.
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Raindrops
Everytime a raindrop falls I cry another tear for what could have been and what never will be because I never let myself take a chance or bend the rules. They tell you to break the rules and then marvel at your stupidty for not listening to those who set the rules, those who are wiser and more knowledgable than you. Was it wrong, after all, to listen to you? Or do I really not know what is best for me, because I am simply an ignorant teenager? What is it that makes us question ourselves and every decision we make? Why do we make excuses for ourselves, and see ourselves with such hating eyes? How can we love ourselves when we spend each day searching for another imperfection? And if we, for just one second stop and see ourselves perfectly we are again ridiculed for being conceited and shallow. We should never feel shame for loving ourselves. We should never feel shame for making mistakes. People are imperfect, and that is ok. Mistakes are what makes us human, irrationality is what makes us beautiful.
---
I'm trying to convince myself that you do what you do because you love me and want to protect me, and not because it terrifies you that I may find happiness. I'm trying to convince myself that you do want me to be happy, and that you tear me away from the people that make me happy because you're scared I will be hurt by them. I'm trying to convince myself that you fight with me because you're trying to teach me lessons, and not because you don't like the person I turned out to be or because I disappoint you and don't live up to your expectations.
But I'm finding it so difficult to believe that.
---
I like being crazy, and I like that a visit to a university makes my rainy day sunny again. And I like that I dance in the rain on the way home and that people in passing cars give me weird looks. And I like that when I'm home alone I crazy dance around the house. And I like that I buy CDs/books/tshirts from people that I've only seen on youtube because I'm so addicted to me computer. And I like that maths makes me happy, and that I do 4 unit for the maths, and don't care if I come last because I don't need the ATAR boost anyway. And I like that being sad makes me happy, and that I think crying is beautiful. I like that I cry everyday and still end up being happier than anyone else I know. I like that people think I'm the person that always smiles. But some part of me wants to be normal, in whatever that word means. Do other people feel like this late at night?
---
He spends everyday hopelessly in love with her, and she says rude things to him and ignores him, and fights with him. He tells her friends that she's upset because he thinks she needs someone to talk to because she doesn't talk to him anymore. How can he go on caring for her day after day? Is this killing him inside? Does he lie in bed at night and cry himself to sleep thinking about the way he is wasting his life on her? Does he think there's still a chance that she may fall for him agai? Or has he finally faced the fact that that will never happen? Why is love so fucking complicated?
---
I'm trying to convince myself that you do what you do because you love me and want to protect me, and not because it terrifies you that I may find happiness. I'm trying to convince myself that you do want me to be happy, and that you tear me away from the people that make me happy because you're scared I will be hurt by them. I'm trying to convince myself that you fight with me because you're trying to teach me lessons, and not because you don't like the person I turned out to be or because I disappoint you and don't live up to your expectations.
But I'm finding it so difficult to believe that.
---
I like being crazy, and I like that a visit to a university makes my rainy day sunny again. And I like that I dance in the rain on the way home and that people in passing cars give me weird looks. And I like that when I'm home alone I crazy dance around the house. And I like that I buy CDs/books/tshirts from people that I've only seen on youtube because I'm so addicted to me computer. And I like that maths makes me happy, and that I do 4 unit for the maths, and don't care if I come last because I don't need the ATAR boost anyway. And I like that being sad makes me happy, and that I think crying is beautiful. I like that I cry everyday and still end up being happier than anyone else I know. I like that people think I'm the person that always smiles. But some part of me wants to be normal, in whatever that word means. Do other people feel like this late at night?
---
He spends everyday hopelessly in love with her, and she says rude things to him and ignores him, and fights with him. He tells her friends that she's upset because he thinks she needs someone to talk to because she doesn't talk to him anymore. How can he go on caring for her day after day? Is this killing him inside? Does he lie in bed at night and cry himself to sleep thinking about the way he is wasting his life on her? Does he think there's still a chance that she may fall for him agai? Or has he finally faced the fact that that will never happen? Why is love so fucking complicated?
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
You inspired me
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everyone you talk to hates you?
Well, that was my day yesterday :L
But today, I'm feeling much more positive, probably because I've done all my homework and I'm not feeling any guilt at the moment =)
I'm not really sure how you changed me. I know that I find myself smilng more now, and that's good. I know that I feel an amazing confidence in myself that I never used to have, because I feel weirdly... loveable. Haha, not that I didn't already think that? I don't know, you just make me feel like someone actually wants to talk to me other than my parents (not that parents aren't totally cool bananas)
I do sometimes feel quite small and I believe this is because I am a perfectionist
"And yet, you still find one thing to obsess over. One form not filled in. One call not returned.
I find that if I have one piece of homework not done, or one assignment not completed at least a week before it's due, I am a failure, and I love how much this quote mocks people like me, because, it makes me realise how insignificant my life is in the grander scheme of things (and makes me feel better about not having my physics prac report finished yet)
I saw you again today, and I felt a bit of sadness. I saw the way your hair falls around your face again, and I saw the way your forehead crinkles when you concentrate really hard again. I saw the way you walk again, and I saw the way you form your body into a percussion instrument at will again.
I don't miss you. But I felt a little sad.
Well, that was my day yesterday :L
But today, I'm feeling much more positive, probably because I've done all my homework and I'm not feeling any guilt at the moment =)
I'm not really sure how you changed me. I know that I find myself smilng more now, and that's good. I know that I feel an amazing confidence in myself that I never used to have, because I feel weirdly... loveable. Haha, not that I didn't already think that? I don't know, you just make me feel like someone actually wants to talk to me other than my parents (not that parents aren't totally cool bananas)
I do sometimes feel quite small and I believe this is because I am a perfectionist
"And yet, you still find one thing to obsess over. One form not filled in. One call not returned.
I find that if I have one piece of homework not done, or one assignment not completed at least a week before it's due, I am a failure, and I love how much this quote mocks people like me, because, it makes me realise how insignificant my life is in the grander scheme of things (and makes me feel better about not having my physics prac report finished yet)
I saw you again today, and I felt a bit of sadness. I saw the way your hair falls around your face again, and I saw the way your forehead crinkles when you concentrate really hard again. I saw the way you walk again, and I saw the way you form your body into a percussion instrument at will again.
I don't miss you. But I felt a little sad.
Friday, 1 October 2010
Candy Floss
Ok, so, in celebration of Charlie McDonnell's 20th birthday, I have spent the entire day watching his videos, and videos at fiveawesomeguys, and videos of his flatmate Alex. And generally being addicted to youtube in an incredibly unhealthy way. I don't think I've gotten up for anything other than food and personal hygiene in quite a few hours.
Anyways, so yeah, there is a beautiful, incredible song from Alex Day's album Parrot Stories (which you can listen for free here) called Candy Floss. And the lyrics are simply beautiful, so I will be posting them at the bottom of this post.
---
So yes, whilst I have not moved from this position in a long time, I have had a lot of thinking time. Also, last night, laying in bed and stuff, I've found it to be an impossible task to fall asleep. And that's because i can't get my stupid mind to just shut up. I mean, I've had voices in my head in the past, but just these last few days... I dunno, I think they're getting louder.
Unless of course I'm getting a conscience of something stupid like that, and then it would all make so much more sense.
But what have I had to think about?
Well, nothing, really, so, I've just had some random thoughts spiralling around in my head, which is utterly confusing and annoying.
---
I think I imagine you reading that and saying something very Jack Blackesque in the Holiday when he gets off the phone from Maggie in the restaurant. And perhaps you would have that disgusted look on your face, because maybe, that's what you think now when you think of me. Is it? Have I become that person in your life that you never want to speak to again?
---
Have a good holiday sunshines!
Anyways, so yeah, there is a beautiful, incredible song from Alex Day's album Parrot Stories (which you can listen for free here) called Candy Floss. And the lyrics are simply beautiful, so I will be posting them at the bottom of this post.
---
So yes, whilst I have not moved from this position in a long time, I have had a lot of thinking time. Also, last night, laying in bed and stuff, I've found it to be an impossible task to fall asleep. And that's because i can't get my stupid mind to just shut up. I mean, I've had voices in my head in the past, but just these last few days... I dunno, I think they're getting louder.
Unless of course I'm getting a conscience of something stupid like that, and then it would all make so much more sense.
But what have I had to think about?
Well, nothing, really, so, I've just had some random thoughts spiralling around in my head, which is utterly confusing and annoying.
---
I think I imagine you reading that and saying something very Jack Blackesque in the Holiday when he gets off the phone from Maggie in the restaurant. And perhaps you would have that disgusted look on your face, because maybe, that's what you think now when you think of me. Is it? Have I become that person in your life that you never want to speak to again?
---
Have a good holiday sunshines!
We ran through the rain together
You said I looked nice, I said you looked pretty
You held my hand, you pulled me close
And whispered “take me home”
We turned around as fast as we could
And jumped on the very next train
I said “I love you more than life”
You said “I feel the same”
And we talked about nothing forever
You spoke to the walls, they told you a story
The world spun underneath our feet
As we shut our exhausted eyes
We wrote our names in a heart on the sand
And saw the sea wash it away
I said “I want you in my life”
She said “okay”
She was gonna go, but I said “no, I don’t think so”
She looked at me, she smiled at me
And now I’ll tell you what she said:
“Do you like candy floss?”
I said “yeah, it’s alright”
She said “take me to a fun fair and we’ll eat candy floss tonight”
And we spun on the teacups
Round and round and round until we felt dizzy
You asked me to win you a bear
And said it was fine when I failed
(And we all know those things are rigged anyway.)
You and me, spinning through the trees ’till our faces were blue
I’ll always be that little boy sharing candy floss with you
I miss you
Thursday, 30 September 2010
World, you suck
I had a dream about you last night.
And all you did was hug.
You just held me until I could feel nothing but you, and all the pain went away because it was replaced by thoughts of you and how you felt in my arms.
Perhaps, it was the strongest dream I've ever had, and the one I most wish would come true. Yet, the one that has the least chance of coming true. Because it's you and me, and this is how it's always going to be.
I miss you.
In a way that makes me feel small and insignificant without you.
How can I be so utterly reliant on one human being for so much of my person?
But the fact is you knew me, and you loved me for me, not for the person you thought I was, and I only ever had to be me when I was with you.
I think you still have the piece of me that you took when you left, and I think I want it back.
I don't even know where this pain came from, that I feel.
I don't even know if you could take it away.
Sometimes, I just wake up, and I feel sad for no good reason.
And maybe you've changed, or maybe in my mind I've turned you into someone that you never were. And maybe, somehow, this person that I remember you to be never existed.
But if you could hug me, I think I would know.
---
Amy showed me this picture today.
It's so very depressing that she sees this and instantly thinks of me.
Because that's who I am now, the person that hates people.
And it's all because of him, I think.
Well, I mean it started with hating him in an I-want-to-hate-you-but-you-won't-let-me-because-you're-so-nice-and-you're-not-meant-to-be-nice-and-it-was-so-much-easier-when-I-could-hate-you-because-now-it's-all-overly-complicated-and-I-feel-like-an-idiot way.
And then I went on to hating me because of how I feel about him.
And now I just hate everyone.
Which is just brilliant
Goodbye world, you suck.
And all you did was hug.
You just held me until I could feel nothing but you, and all the pain went away because it was replaced by thoughts of you and how you felt in my arms.
Perhaps, it was the strongest dream I've ever had, and the one I most wish would come true. Yet, the one that has the least chance of coming true. Because it's you and me, and this is how it's always going to be.
I miss you.
In a way that makes me feel small and insignificant without you.
How can I be so utterly reliant on one human being for so much of my person?
But the fact is you knew me, and you loved me for me, not for the person you thought I was, and I only ever had to be me when I was with you.
I think you still have the piece of me that you took when you left, and I think I want it back.
I don't even know where this pain came from, that I feel.
I don't even know if you could take it away.
Sometimes, I just wake up, and I feel sad for no good reason.
And maybe you've changed, or maybe in my mind I've turned you into someone that you never were. And maybe, somehow, this person that I remember you to be never existed.
But if you could hug me, I think I would know.
---
Amy showed me this picture today.
It's so very depressing that she sees this and instantly thinks of me.
Because that's who I am now, the person that hates people.
And it's all because of him, I think.
Well, I mean it started with hating him in an I-want-to-hate-you-but-you-won't-let-me-because-you're-so-nice-and-you're-not-meant-to-be-nice-and-it-was-so-much-easier-when-I-could-hate-you-because-now-it's-all-overly-complicated-and-I-feel-like-an-idiot way.
And then I went on to hating me because of how I feel about him.
And now I just hate everyone.
Which is just brilliant
Goodbye world, you suck.
Thursday, 1 April 2010
Catch upp
So, yeah, long time no talky.
What has happened with you Ebony?
Well...
*I did my english assessment and only got 35 minutes for it... because, well, teachers are stupid, and Ms Schultz says I can appeal and blah blah but who can be bothered?
*My enter key is broken, it gets stuck heaps, and I just backspaced stacks of lines
*My whole class pretty much feels crappy about physics considering even the top score in our class for the research task was pretty crap, and the rest are worse.
*I realised I have 4 classes with Richard. Yes, it took me 10 weeks to figure it out.
*I am pretty much screwed for English. Just in general. And should be doing that instead of this. But, ehh.
*Mr Peck likes Tim Minchin. =SS Why must he make me like him? He is not a good person =(
*Ms Schultz makes me feel cared about =) She was all nice and everything to me today when I was sorta freaking out
*English just generally makes me want to cry
*Me and my train people totally gossiped about every teacher in our school today =DD
*My puppy dog had an operation yesterday, and has stitches and stuff, but he'll be okayy.
*Our whole grade pretty much hates their half yearly timetables.
*I just feel tired. I think this long weekend will be very good for me. I look forward to sleep and chocolate. And the easter show with my people =)
*Today is April Fools and everyone was too stressy to notice =L
*Me and Amy stalked Mr Robson for his email =DD Plus I have all my teachers except Dillon's
*Pitt told us about this cool science thingo that I don't think I can go to because I'm going to Tasmania.
*The dragons play tomorrow and this game may determine my happiness for the week :L:L Seriously! We're top of the table!! =D
*I've been listening to a lot of music lately, it makes me happy.
*I keep feeling like studying. Like at the station today, I totally cracked and opened a book :L
Live long and prosper
What has happened with you Ebony?
Well...
*I did my english assessment and only got 35 minutes for it... because, well, teachers are stupid, and Ms Schultz says I can appeal and blah blah but who can be bothered?
*My enter key is broken, it gets stuck heaps, and I just backspaced stacks of lines
*My whole class pretty much feels crappy about physics considering even the top score in our class for the research task was pretty crap, and the rest are worse.
*I realised I have 4 classes with Richard. Yes, it took me 10 weeks to figure it out.
*I am pretty much screwed for English. Just in general. And should be doing that instead of this. But, ehh.
*Mr Peck likes Tim Minchin. =SS Why must he make me like him? He is not a good person =(
*Ms Schultz makes me feel cared about =) She was all nice and everything to me today when I was sorta freaking out
*English just generally makes me want to cry
*Me and my train people totally gossiped about every teacher in our school today =DD
*My puppy dog had an operation yesterday, and has stitches and stuff, but he'll be okayy.
*Our whole grade pretty much hates their half yearly timetables.
*I just feel tired. I think this long weekend will be very good for me. I look forward to sleep and chocolate. And the easter show with my people =)
*Today is April Fools and everyone was too stressy to notice =L
*Me and Amy stalked Mr Robson for his email =DD Plus I have all my teachers except Dillon's
*Pitt told us about this cool science thingo that I don't think I can go to because I'm going to Tasmania.
*The dragons play tomorrow and this game may determine my happiness for the week :L:L Seriously! We're top of the table!! =D
*I've been listening to a lot of music lately, it makes me happy.
*I keep feeling like studying. Like at the station today, I totally cracked and opened a book :L
Live long and prosper
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
stress session
maybe i am pushing myself just a little too hard at the moment to get everything perfect, and to be perfect. but i feel like if i can just get things worked out into some sort of routine, the next 2 years will be a lot easier.
i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.
that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.
of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.
but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.
and life goes on.
...life always goes on.
(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))
i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.
that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.
of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.
but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.
and life goes on.
...life always goes on.
(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))
Friday, 19 February 2010
I ate an apple
There's no way I haven't blogged for 3 days.
Se impossible.
Confession #8: I still wonder how different my life would be if I had said "yes". I think I like it better like this though.
This is it.
This is today.
Today is so different from yesterday.
Today, the sun rose.
Today, the sun set.
Today, I cut my finger.
Today, I ate an apple.
Today, I went to work.
Today, I helped a friend.
Today, I made a friend.
Today, I warmed someone's heart.
Today, I was lonely.
Today, I was never alone.
Today, I felt beautiful.
Because today, I was me.
And tomorrow, I will wake up and do it all again.
Happy today sunshines.
Se impossible.
Confession #8: I still wonder how different my life would be if I had said "yes". I think I like it better like this though.
“A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.”
"Let's live like today never happened." – imissyoutoo
This is it.
This is today.
Today is so different from yesterday.
Today, the sun rose.
Today, the sun set.
Today, I cut my finger.
Today, I ate an apple.
Today, I went to work.
Today, I helped a friend.
Today, I made a friend.
Today, I warmed someone's heart.
Today, I was lonely.
Today, I was never alone.
Today, I felt beautiful.
Because today, I was me.
And tomorrow, I will wake up and do it all again.
Happy today sunshines.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
The Bedroom Door
I guess when they tell you that you've made your bed and now you have to lay in it, they never mentioned that you don't get any second chances. They don't tell you that you're stuck with that bed for life, and every single crease, every single mistake, and every single choice you make about how many pillows, and which stuffed toys you want, you have those choices for life. Everyday you can fix some creases in the bed, but whilst doing that, you crease more of it. And it's never going to sit quite right, and you're never going to want to sleep in it.
And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.
And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.
But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.
And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.
And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.
But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Make a difference
I want you to care enough to want to make a difference
I want you to want to care enough to make a difference
---
Person One
I don't think you understand how much I need you and rely on you. You roll your eyes when someone mentions that, and I want you to just be ok with it. YOU MADE THE DECISION. And you continue to make that decision everyday. Don't complain because someone else is in pain right now AND THEY CAN'T BE WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME. They have things they need to do, and feel. Things to make it hurt less. To cause less regrets.
---
Person Two
I had to leave. I can't stand it that you don't understand this. And I've tried to explain it to you, and it's not working. And that doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. I'm disappointed in you. I want you to understand me. I thought you did. You did. You do. I know you do.
---
Person Three
I've made so many excuses for myself, none of them to you, even though it was you that I hurt. I'm making excuses to myself for why I've hurt you. And that's not fair to me, and it's definately not fair to you. And I'm sorry. But there is some merit to my excuses. My reasons. I'm sorry.
---
Humdizzle.
Eh, I need chocolate.
And I need someone to understand me.
Well, someone willing to put in the time. And read my mind.
I hate being so cryptic. But I'll never tell anyone what I mean. You have to dig. It means that at the end I know you've put in the effort, but it means that a lot of the time I'm just confusing.
Wish you were here,
I want you to want to care enough to make a difference
---
Person One
I don't think you understand how much I need you and rely on you. You roll your eyes when someone mentions that, and I want you to just be ok with it. YOU MADE THE DECISION. And you continue to make that decision everyday. Don't complain because someone else is in pain right now AND THEY CAN'T BE WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME. They have things they need to do, and feel. Things to make it hurt less. To cause less regrets.
---
Person Two
I had to leave. I can't stand it that you don't understand this. And I've tried to explain it to you, and it's not working. And that doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. I'm disappointed in you. I want you to understand me. I thought you did. You did. You do. I know you do.
---
Person Three
I've made so many excuses for myself, none of them to you, even though it was you that I hurt. I'm making excuses to myself for why I've hurt you. And that's not fair to me, and it's definately not fair to you. And I'm sorry. But there is some merit to my excuses. My reasons. I'm sorry.
---
Humdizzle.
Eh, I need chocolate.
And I need someone to understand me.
Well, someone willing to put in the time. And read my mind.
I hate being so cryptic. But I'll never tell anyone what I mean. You have to dig. It means that at the end I know you've put in the effort, but it means that a lot of the time I'm just confusing.
Wish you were here,
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
Things I Like
I like it when every smile is worth a thousand frowns, and every compliment worth a million criticisms.
I like it when hugs are a currency, and affection is worth more than money.
I like it when people smile when they see their friends, or their family.
I like it when people jump into hugs, as if they can't bear to be away from each other for another second.
I like it when people smile from the words of others. A simple sentence can make them feel special, feel infinite.
I like it when someone randomly screams out "I love you!" when they see their friends, and they're not embarrassed to have other people hear it and think they're gay, cuz it's only important that the message gets across.
I like it when people apologise for things out of their control because they want you to feel better, and it's the only way they know how.
I like it when the sun comes out from behind the rain clouds, and the world glistens with colour and light.
I like it when I look at the clock and it's 11:11, and I know that other people are looking at their clock at that same time, and feeling a little bit of hope.
I like it when I get to stand next to you and feel beautiful.
I like it when hugs are a currency, and affection is worth more than money.
I like it when people smile when they see their friends, or their family.
I like it when people jump into hugs, as if they can't bear to be away from each other for another second.
I like it when people smile from the words of others. A simple sentence can make them feel special, feel infinite.
I like it when someone randomly screams out "I love you!" when they see their friends, and they're not embarrassed to have other people hear it and think they're gay, cuz it's only important that the message gets across.
I like it when people apologise for things out of their control because they want you to feel better, and it's the only way they know how.
I like it when the sun comes out from behind the rain clouds, and the world glistens with colour and light.
I like it when I look at the clock and it's 11:11, and I know that other people are looking at their clock at that same time, and feeling a little bit of hope.
I like it when I get to stand next to you and feel beautiful.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
What I'm supposed to say.
Quote: "I can't believe that you smiling at me was the highlight of a day where I got an A on a test, found twenty bucks, and won a debate" - stealed from amys blog again. (That's not really so hard to believe is it? I mean, some smiles are truly beautiful)
Memoir: "Hands touch. Hear our fingers whisper?" - lexxx. (I heard it)
Song in head: Swing swing - AAR
Listening to: Give me a reason - The Corrs
Thinking about: Glowing :L (inside thing. again)
Annoyed by: Silly people that get sick and don't come to school
Cheered by: The prospect of tomorrows.
Mood: Relaxed.
-----
I should be studying.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way...
I haven't blogged properly in a while. I haven't memoired much either. Actually, damn, what the hell have I been doing?? I guess I have been studing a lot... and doing geo...
Hmmmms
It's sorta funny that I don't even have something to say...
Hummmmmmm.
ok, lets DNM.
-----
I find it easier to trust the universe now. Things work out, you know? I mean, things fall into place so easily. As long as you know how to cope with things... you can figure your way out of them. And as long as you understand that bad things happen for a reason, and you look for the reason, you can learn something. And at the end of the day, it can be worth it.
-----
Humanity has redeemed itself! Haha, only one person will get that, and she doesn't read. And if I explain it, you'll all think I'm stupid. (Shush, I know I am). But THANKYOU humanity, for restoring my faith in you. I shall never doubt you again. (OK, so I will, but not as much as before)
-----
Hehe, I love the Corrs. Their music is so happy-making. I still say their music is the best to fall in love to. Screw Blue October. (Okay, Blue October I'm sorry. It's just... The Corrs!) (I still love you Blue October). corrs = bombdigity
-----
Oh, FARROUT!!! How many times have I said it now? Do you need me to spell it out?? Over and over and over. Hint after hint. Please, take the hint. No, really. (Maybe this will help...)
-----
OK, so maybe having voices in your head, actually talking to you, and yes, telling you what to do (Nikki: "are they telling you to jump?") is not quite normal, and most definately not a good thing. But I love my voices. My little people in my head. I think they stop me from doing things a lot. But they also encourage me to do things. They are my little fairy godparents, trying to teach me right from wrong. And let me tell you, they're doing an okay job.
So when you all look at me like I'm crazy, or burst out laughing in health when I tell you about my voices, I'm laughing at you on the inside too. Because I have special little people in my head. And you are very lonely.
-----
"I'm invisible"
"Not to me"
"Yeah, see that's why I like spending time around you"
Haha, that's what you said to me when I stopped you from being left behind a couple of days ao (so I don't remember the exact day). It totally made my day. Even though it was only 8:00, and I'm sure it was a goodish day. But you told me that you like spending time with me. In fact, we have had multiple conversations this week about how I like you to be included, and I seriously feel so appreciated when I talk to you.
-----
Song for the day.
<33 The Script!!
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
Cuz I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even... even... no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cuz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Cuz I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
Cuz I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
What am I suppposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
(oh I'm glad you're okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(oh I'm glad you're okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh it don't breakeven no
Oh it don't breakeven no
Oh it don't breakeven no
Memoir: "Hands touch. Hear our fingers whisper?" - lexxx. (I heard it)
Song in head: Swing swing - AAR
Listening to: Give me a reason - The Corrs
Thinking about: Glowing :L (inside thing. again)
Annoyed by: Silly people that get sick and don't come to school
Cheered by: The prospect of tomorrows.
Mood: Relaxed.
-----
I should be studying.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way...
I haven't blogged properly in a while. I haven't memoired much either. Actually, damn, what the hell have I been doing?? I guess I have been studing a lot... and doing geo...
Hmmmms
It's sorta funny that I don't even have something to say...
Hummmmmmm.
ok, lets DNM.
-----
I find it easier to trust the universe now. Things work out, you know? I mean, things fall into place so easily. As long as you know how to cope with things... you can figure your way out of them. And as long as you understand that bad things happen for a reason, and you look for the reason, you can learn something. And at the end of the day, it can be worth it.
-----
Humanity has redeemed itself! Haha, only one person will get that, and she doesn't read. And if I explain it, you'll all think I'm stupid. (Shush, I know I am). But THANKYOU humanity, for restoring my faith in you. I shall never doubt you again. (OK, so I will, but not as much as before)
-----
Hehe, I love the Corrs. Their music is so happy-making. I still say their music is the best to fall in love to. Screw Blue October. (Okay, Blue October I'm sorry. It's just... The Corrs!) (I still love you Blue October). corrs = bombdigity
-----
Oh, FARROUT!!! How many times have I said it now? Do you need me to spell it out?? Over and over and over. Hint after hint. Please, take the hint. No, really. (Maybe this will help...)
-----
OK, so maybe having voices in your head, actually talking to you, and yes, telling you what to do (Nikki: "are they telling you to jump?") is not quite normal, and most definately not a good thing. But I love my voices. My little people in my head. I think they stop me from doing things a lot. But they also encourage me to do things. They are my little fairy godparents, trying to teach me right from wrong. And let me tell you, they're doing an okay job.
So when you all look at me like I'm crazy, or burst out laughing in health when I tell you about my voices, I'm laughing at you on the inside too. Because I have special little people in my head. And you are very lonely.
-----
"I'm invisible"
"Not to me"
"Yeah, see that's why I like spending time around you"
Haha, that's what you said to me when I stopped you from being left behind a couple of days ao (so I don't remember the exact day). It totally made my day. Even though it was only 8:00, and I'm sure it was a goodish day. But you told me that you like spending time with me. In fact, we have had multiple conversations this week about how I like you to be included, and I seriously feel so appreciated when I talk to you.
-----
Song for the day.
<33 The Script!!
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
Cuz I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even... even... no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cuz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no
What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Cuz I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
Cuz I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
No it don't break
No it don't break even no
What am I suppposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
(oh I'm glad you're okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(oh I'm glad you're okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Oh it don't breakeven no
Oh it don't breakeven no
Oh it don't breakeven no
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Daily procrastination.
one - was it not enough for you to be the source of my smile all of friday? you had to make me smile all of today as well, thankyou. (i don't know your name :L)
TWO - YOU MADE ME CRY. AGAIN. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS, YOU ALWAYS ANNOY ME, AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, I COME BACK FOR ROUND TWO.
three - can't you just accept that i care about you, and what i want is what's best for you? must you question everything i say?
four - i miss you.
OK, for the past 17 blogposts, the title has been six words long. Is this a coincidence? No. Am I cool? Of course. (Well that was random) Anyways, these six worders are all taken from my old smithteens account. Yes, I'm very awesome like that. (I think I'm just in one of my moods)
-----
Today, I rediscovered neopets. You see, I gave my account to a friend (I somehow remembered the username and password first go.) (Oh yeah, that's just my memory :P) And I was looking through the site, and I started playing cheat. I remember when I used to play everyday =)
-----
Haha, I just totally forgot I was blogging. Because I'm having too much fun playing cheat, and talking on MSN =). But I do have stuff to say. Figure out which is about you.
1. I'm not ready to actually tell you my story yet, and you joke about your own, making me feel as if I should. I promise though, I will tell you.
2. Gah! You made me cry again. But I guess, that's what you're good at, right?
3. I'm sorry that I brushed you off so easily, I just find it hard to discuss things so close to the old me.
4. Your hug made my day on Friday =)
5. Your smile made my day on Thursday =)
6. Your dance video on youtube made my day yesterday =)
7. Thankyou for agreeing to come along, I'm sorry for freaking you out :L.
8. I know what you're going through is hard, and I'm trying to be there for you, but that's hard for me.
9. You're not ready for this stupid game we're playing. I didn't realise. I'm sorry.
10. Thankyou for making me smile. You will have no idea that this is about you. :L. But you made me laugh, and you deserve a mention.
11. Do you feel that? That's us getting closer. I love it!
-----
Postsecrets came out today!
-----
I have blogged 34 times this month (pathetic much?)
My record is 38.
I only have 2 more days.
I'm not gonna make a record.
I blame camp =(
-----
What a drank this morning: Water at work. Only time I ever drink water.
I have been procrastinating from: 4:00pm until now.
Weather at my house right now: Overcast
Cold sensation down my spine? No, but my left arm is a little chilly.
-----
I didn't dream about nocturnal cannibals last night.
I'm very very glad about that.
I don't remember much of what I dreamt about.
Just that my alarm was loud =(
but good song (Y)
-----
i am totally procrastinating right now.
ah well.
i will leave now. with a memoir.
I promise we'll be someday's dreamers - MirrukuChii
-----
And, of course, a song.
I think I've told you guys how awesome the music at my work is, and trust me, it's no bullshit. This is one of the awesome songs my work plays all the time. It is called When I Look To The Sky and it is by Train. And Charlie wont let me c + p into blogger. :S. So here is the chorus:
When I look to the sky
Something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost
Something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
TWO - YOU MADE ME CRY. AGAIN. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS, YOU ALWAYS ANNOY ME, AND AT THE END OF THE DAY, I COME BACK FOR ROUND TWO.
three - can't you just accept that i care about you, and what i want is what's best for you? must you question everything i say?
four - i miss you.
OK, for the past 17 blogposts, the title has been six words long. Is this a coincidence? No. Am I cool? Of course. (Well that was random) Anyways, these six worders are all taken from my old smithteens account. Yes, I'm very awesome like that. (I think I'm just in one of my moods)
-----
Today, I rediscovered neopets. You see, I gave my account to a friend (I somehow remembered the username and password first go.) (Oh yeah, that's just my memory :P) And I was looking through the site, and I started playing cheat. I remember when I used to play everyday =)
-----
Haha, I just totally forgot I was blogging. Because I'm having too much fun playing cheat, and talking on MSN =). But I do have stuff to say. Figure out which is about you.
1. I'm not ready to actually tell you my story yet, and you joke about your own, making me feel as if I should. I promise though, I will tell you.
2. Gah! You made me cry again. But I guess, that's what you're good at, right?
3. I'm sorry that I brushed you off so easily, I just find it hard to discuss things so close to the old me.
4. Your hug made my day on Friday =)
5. Your smile made my day on Thursday =)
6. Your dance video on youtube made my day yesterday =)
7. Thankyou for agreeing to come along, I'm sorry for freaking you out :L.
8. I know what you're going through is hard, and I'm trying to be there for you, but that's hard for me.
9. You're not ready for this stupid game we're playing. I didn't realise. I'm sorry.
10. Thankyou for making me smile. You will have no idea that this is about you. :L. But you made me laugh, and you deserve a mention.
11. Do you feel that? That's us getting closer. I love it!
-----
Postsecrets came out today!
-----
I have blogged 34 times this month (pathetic much?)
My record is 38.
I only have 2 more days.
I'm not gonna make a record.
I blame camp =(
-----
What a drank this morning: Water at work. Only time I ever drink water.
I have been procrastinating from: 4:00pm until now.
Weather at my house right now: Overcast
Cold sensation down my spine? No, but my left arm is a little chilly.
-----
I didn't dream about nocturnal cannibals last night.
I'm very very glad about that.
I don't remember much of what I dreamt about.
Just that my alarm was loud =(
but good song (Y)
-----
i am totally procrastinating right now.
ah well.
i will leave now. with a memoir.
I promise we'll be someday's dreamers - MirrukuChii
-----
And, of course, a song.
I think I've told you guys how awesome the music at my work is, and trust me, it's no bullshit. This is one of the awesome songs my work plays all the time. It is called When I Look To The Sky and it is by Train. And Charlie wont let me c + p into blogger. :S. So here is the chorus:
When I look to the sky
Something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost
Something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Makes me wonder how YOU feel.
Candy says: In Language Arts today, we had to make a list of things that we were currently 'currently wondering about'... make your own 'i wonder' list.
Ask and thou shalt receive (or something along those lines).
I wonder:
* what 1337 speak is
* where lisa went when she just signed out and in on messenger
* why i am not studying as i should be
* what time i have to wake up tomorrow
* how the red hot chili peppers wrote a song as good as the zephyr song
* why azlyrics.com doesn't have lyrics to the zephyr song
* what everyone of my readers are doing right now, as i write this.
* when my next memoir feature will be
* how i'll go in ipt on moday
* how busy work will be tomorrow
* what mark we got for our pe assm
* when i will get a chance to see Dreamgirls (i watched eddie murphy's bio last night)
* who chooses the music at work, they always play good songs
* where the rest of my family is
* how many people will actually read this whole post
* why jenny wasnt replying on msn before
* how many people are watching the little of luna that is in the sky right now
* when imissyou will return to smithteens
* when rachel from smithteens will email me back
* how i went in the drama assm
* when the person im stalking will realise im stalking them
* how many people read my blog
* why i have 95 westlife songs on my computer of only 1342 songs.
* how huge a music library i would have if i loved all bands as much as westlife
* how much i have ripped off westlife by illegally dling all their music
* why i have heard 3 westlife songs in a row
* if anyone else thinks enough to have a list of their own this big
* how bored you would have to be to submit a post for urban dictionary
* who thought up the idea of urban dictionary
* why i am so tired
* what it would be like to meet surviving myself in real life
* if i will ever meet any smithteeners other than those who ive introduced to it
* how the hell im gonna pass IPT if i keep procrastinating
* why purle lollies always taste so good
* why smithteens will never bloody feature me
* why red lollies always taste like panadol
* why im eating lollies when i havent had lunch yet
* if ill just wait till dinner now
* if i even had breakfast
* why charlie wont load smithteens
* when i will actually give up on this list
* when i will stop smithteening
* if smithteening is a better or worse word than tweeting
* if i will figure out that enough is enough
* how many smithteeners are online now
* how many high5s i would have gotten yesterday if i was a better counter
* why my head hurts so much
* why my stomach hurts so much
* why my leg hurts so much
* how i could possibly have wondered all this in a matter of minutes
Ok, that will do.
Charlie still won't copy + paste into blogs so no lyrics.
Sorry for posting so much Corinne, but if you get on MSN ill send you some good study notes =)
Ask and thou shalt receive (or something along those lines).
I wonder:
* what 1337 speak is
* where lisa went when she just signed out and in on messenger
* why i am not studying as i should be
* what time i have to wake up tomorrow
* how the red hot chili peppers wrote a song as good as the zephyr song
* why azlyrics.com doesn't have lyrics to the zephyr song
* what everyone of my readers are doing right now, as i write this.
* when my next memoir feature will be
* how i'll go in ipt on moday
* how busy work will be tomorrow
* what mark we got for our pe assm
* when i will get a chance to see Dreamgirls (i watched eddie murphy's bio last night)
* who chooses the music at work, they always play good songs
* where the rest of my family is
* how many people will actually read this whole post
* why jenny wasnt replying on msn before
* how many people are watching the little of luna that is in the sky right now
* when imissyou will return to smithteens
* when rachel from smithteens will email me back
* how i went in the drama assm
* when the person im stalking will realise im stalking them
* how many people read my blog
* why i have 95 westlife songs on my computer of only 1342 songs.
* how huge a music library i would have if i loved all bands as much as westlife
* how much i have ripped off westlife by illegally dling all their music
* why i have heard 3 westlife songs in a row
* if anyone else thinks enough to have a list of their own this big
* how bored you would have to be to submit a post for urban dictionary
* who thought up the idea of urban dictionary
* why i am so tired
* what it would be like to meet surviving myself in real life
* if i will ever meet any smithteeners other than those who ive introduced to it
* how the hell im gonna pass IPT if i keep procrastinating
* why purle lollies always taste so good
* why smithteens will never bloody feature me
* why red lollies always taste like panadol
* why im eating lollies when i havent had lunch yet
* if ill just wait till dinner now
* if i even had breakfast
* why charlie wont load smithteens
* when i will actually give up on this list
* when i will stop smithteening
* if smithteening is a better or worse word than tweeting
* if i will figure out that enough is enough
* how many smithteeners are online now
* how many high5s i would have gotten yesterday if i was a better counter
* why my head hurts so much
* why my stomach hurts so much
* why my leg hurts so much
* how i could possibly have wondered all this in a matter of minutes
Ok, that will do.
Charlie still won't copy + paste into blogs so no lyrics.
Sorry for posting so much Corinne, but if you get on MSN ill send you some good study notes =)
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