Happiness is a destination, not a journey

I'm exactly where I was a year ago and it's still just as hard. It's stressful, putting this much pressure on myself. I know that this is why I chose this job, I work so well under stress and pressure, I want a job that I can devote everything to and see something in return and I definitely have that, I'm just not quite at the point I need to be at yet that will actually make this all feel ok. People keep telling me not to take on so many things and responsibilities and stresses and I smile at them and tell them I'm ok and sometimes I even believe it.

But I am happy. I'm stressed but I'm happy. I don't feel sad anymore. I didn't know that the day could come where I could be happy. I don't even remember what sad feels like and that is a major achievement for me. I've spent some time culling my life of all the things that brought me down and trying to keep the things I like. I've gotten rid of some toxic people and I've brought in some plants and teddy bears and books. So many books.

I love to read, I've always loved to read, and now I work at a place that has a library and I can just have books all the time without having to really go out of my way or like, pay for them. Libraries are miracles! Books let me have all the experiences that I don't actually want to experience. Maybe that's why I still like teen fiction so much, because I haven't had all the teen experiences yet and I feel like I need to before I move on. Maybe I'm just super immature.

I still sometimes second guess my choices. I suppose I've made the choice to forego a lot of experiences, in exchange for a number of other experiences. And I suppose that's ok. But I've always been the girl who loves options and suddenly I don't have the options anymore. I've chosen. I've never made such concrete choices before.

But here I am with a mortgage and an impending marriage and a permanent job that I can keep for the rest of my working life and it seems like things are really set in stone. I've made concrete choices. Which is fine, it's fine, I'm happy. This is happy.

Seriously, this is why I struggle so much to discipline students, I'm just so goddamn cheerful.

The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

You inspired me

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everyone you talk to hates you?
Well, that was my day yesterday :L
But today, I'm feeling much more positive, probably because I've done all my homework and I'm not feeling any guilt at the moment =)



I'm not really sure how you changed me. I know that I find myself smilng more now, and that's good. I know that I feel an amazing confidence in myself that I never used to have, because I feel weirdly... loveable. Haha, not that I didn't already think that? I don't know, you just make me feel like someone actually wants to talk to me other than my parents (not that parents aren't totally cool bananas)



I do sometimes feel quite small and I believe this is because I am a perfectionist

"And yet, you still find one thing to obsess over. One form not filled in. One call not returned.

Obviously, this means your entire life has been a failure."

I find that if I have one piece of homework not done, or one assignment not completed at least a week before it's due, I am a failure, and I love how much this quote mocks people like me, because, it makes me realise how insignificant my life is in the grander scheme of things (and makes me feel better about not having my physics prac report finished yet)



I saw you again today, and I felt a bit of sadness. I saw the way your hair falls around your face again, and I saw the way your forehead crinkles when you concentrate really hard again. I saw the way you walk again, and I saw the way you form your body into a percussion instrument at will again.
I don't miss you. But I felt a little sad.

I don't HAVE to like myself, right?

i think we're all a bit insane on the inside.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.

and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.

and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.

so you ask yourself, are you okay?

because i don't think i am anymore.

dfgdfighnsdjkfkjdrnf

I opened a word document to write my practise English creative writing question.
That was half an hour ago.
I still haven't written anything.

I don't get what I'm supposed to do.

I don't think I've ever understood what I'm supposed to do for English.
How are we meant to relate it to authority and leadership?

I don't get it.

---

Yeah, I think that's all I really wanted to say.

I feel much better now.

Well, actually I don't.
But I can pretend.

stress session

maybe i am pushing myself just a little too hard at the moment to get everything perfect, and to be perfect. but i feel like if i can just get things worked out into some sort of routine, the next 2 years will be a lot easier.

i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.

that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.

of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.

but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.

and life goes on.
...life always goes on.

(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))

Break

Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages



Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.

Miss me.

Confession #13: I just realised that I haven't blogged all week and thus broke my new years resolution. In bloody november =(

"The average person tells 4 lies a day, or 1460 a year a total of 88,000 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is: I’m fine."

"They say I'm like my mother......" - katielea



Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.



I feel like stuffing a huge pillow in my face.
Or whacking myself over the head with something.
I feel like hiding, actually.
Because everything is so much bigger than me.
And I am so small.
I don't even matter.



I'm trying so hard to be better, to do better, to act better.
I'm not so sure I even know what IS better.
What am I comparing it all to?

...what the hell am I even doing?



I know that.
I know they're not the best.
I just don't know what I want from the best.
I don't know what I want from myself.
I don't know where I'm going.
And I don't know who I'm taking.
But you're all welcome to come along for the ride.



And then you mention something that you've been hiding the whole time and there's nothing I can really do but cry because you didn't trust me to know in the first and you definately don't trust me to be able to help and I thought that maybe I was actually good for you but now I realise that I'm exactly what you don't need and nothing I ever do will be good enough for someone as beautiful as you and I know I'm not worth it but I thought I was because I've always put all this effort into doing the right thing before I realise that what I'm doing is wrong and it's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in and in the end I know I'm just going to end up lonely.



I don't even know who would miss me at this stage.
Everyone seems so happy to just walk away and leave me here.
I think people just assume I don't need them.
Because I don't tell them everyday like I used to.
And I want to tell you all how much I need you.
But I'm so embarrassed.
To be tied to something so insignificant.


Ugh, I think I need to go to bed.
Sorry for my ranting.

Karen is cool!

"Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticise others"

Confession #35: I can't spell criticise, or occassionally. =S

"Someone is always better than you" - soulcages



Today's post is inspired by Karen. She is my bloggy twin. She makes me smile. =) And she thinks I have sexy legs =D



I can't swallow a tablet or whistle. But my sister can't use a canopener, and my mum can't roll an R. And maybe you can't click, or swim, or ride a bike, but it doesn't really matter. There's more to life than being able to click, and it's time we appreciated the important things.
You know what? I give awesome hugs.
And my sister is an amazingly loyal friend.
And you guys are reading my blog!
And that's something all in itself.
Thank you =)



At first she didn't really know what she was getting herself into. She didn't mean to fall in love... not really. But then he started being all amazing and wonderful, and telling her she was special, and making her feel worthwhile. And... after a little while, she started believeing him, until eventually, she couldn't survive without hearing what he had to say. And at some point in time, it went beyond wanting to hear good things about herself, she just wanted to hear what he was going to say next. She just wanted him to know that he was beautiful too. She was just in love with him.



He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.




I'm actually quite terrified of the truth.
She told me the truth today.
She often does.
It makes me want to kill her.
Sometimes, the truth isn't very pretty.
And sometimes, what people think is the truth, is just half a story they will never bother to hear the ending to.
So she can tell me her stupid twisted idea of the truth.
But she is wrong.
They're all wrong.



I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.



I just wanted to personally thank you for ruining my life.
I can never look at myself the same.
I can never be proud of myself.
I'm not sure I can ever love myself.
I am scarred by the very thought of you.
I want to wake up and find out it was all a dream.



Sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't matter for anything.
I care so much about what other people think of me, that I've stopped caring what I think of myself. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I'd rather have everyone else in the world like who I am, than like myself.
And I think I do it all for her.
I've never been good enough.
I've never been right.
I've never lived up to her expectations.
And I want to make someone, anyone proud of me.
But I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.
Because at the end of the day, I don't even like myself.

The Bedroom Door

I guess when they tell you that you've made your bed and now you have to lay in it, they never mentioned that you don't get any second chances. They don't tell you that you're stuck with that bed for life, and every single crease, every single mistake, and every single choice you make about how many pillows, and which stuffed toys you want, you have those choices for life. Everyday you can fix some creases in the bed, but whilst doing that, you crease more of it. And it's never going to sit quite right, and you're never going to want to sleep in it.

And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.

And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.

But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.

Getting back into the swing

And I still cringe everytime a teacher walks past and asks me if I'm feeling better.
Im not sure why I cringe
Could it be because I know that they have their talks about what is wrong with me?
Or because it reminds me of just what is wrong with me?
Maybe because I realise that I'm not actually feeling any better at all?
Or could it be because every second teacher has figured out that I was upset, and yet not one student in my entire school has asked if I'm okay.
It really could be any of those, I just know that I cringe.

---

It's one of those moments that you feel the atmosphere building up to.
As if your whole life rests on this instant.
And maybe that's what makes you so terrified.
A single slip and your life is gone.
A wrong move, and you'll never be able to live with yourself.
But either way, you'll be disappointed in yourself.
In fact, you've manipulated this situation so well,
that there is no solution that you can be okay with.
And you follow a part of yourself that you're ashamed of,
But you won't follow it to the end.
How can you?

---

There's a few good things about keeping secrets actually.
1. You have an inside joke, or expression with the only person you dare to tell. The person you trust the most. And you can laugh about it with them.
2. There's something you can use as a bargaining chip if you have information you want on someone else. Yes, I am that manipulative.
3. There's a part of yourself you can hide from the world, the part you think about when you're trying to fall asleep at night. You don't have to share it.

But you know, you're always going to feel how you do, and no matter how many lists you write about such things, secrets will never be okay.

---

There's a light at the end of this tunnel, you shout
Cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And those mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only tried turning around

---

I was about to post this before I realised that it doesn't in any way reflect my mood.
(Which may or may not have changed dramatically since someone came online)
I am actually quite happy (no matter how confused) at the moment.
So let's make this happy :L

My name is Ebony, and I'm addicted to you (just because you're reading my blog). I enjoy the good life of olives, pez and grape zappos (you wish you had a C3PO pez dispenser like me) (bloody watch star wars you undereducated children!).

Anyways, I'm going to write a list of things that make me happy (inspired by smithteens):
Zappos
Pez
Olives
C3PO
Lollipops
You (not actually you in particular. well, he knows i mean him)
Rainbows
Babies
Smiles
Children (not like that)
The Sims
Money
My people
My family

And... yeah.
What makes you happy?

Mum's Birthday

Yesterday was my Mummys awesome birthday.
Yippee!
Except she was in a crappy mood for about half of the day.
So she played on her computer.
And I played on mine.
And Nikki played on hers.
And Dad just shook his head in disgust =D

Anyways, we had an awesomely awesome dinner at this chinese restaurant where the people actually know us. Not that we go there all that often.
I mean, when we came back from holidays and our fridge had broken and the whole house smelt like off food, where did we go? Exactly. But that is understandable. I mean, it smelt awful!

So yeah, yay for Mum's birthday!

Now I should get back to my english speech.
WHAT THE HELL IS LITERARY MERIT???
dgjhvtnhkf.
Ok, I'm really going now...

Worth every single mistake.

Hello, and welcome to June 18.
Otherwise known as Day 62. If you're weird...
I am blogging because:
a. I've been lazy lately.
b. My last blog didn't count.
c. Today is June 18.
d. I'm bored
e. I may have stuff to say.
Clearly, that's a lot of reasons.
Also, if you read this entire post, every single word, you will understand the title :L. That's right, you read it!

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-colour boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-colour boxes, with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself a 64-colour box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colours like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-colour boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colours of like, of feeling, or articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-colour type, I'm like "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "No - I want magenta!""
- John Mayer.

I am a gust of wind. That swooshing feeling that makes you feel all cold, and run for shelter. The one that everyone wants to get away from, and they're glad when it's gone. The loud, gushing wind that numbs your fingers and itches at your eyeballs.
I don't want to be a gust.
I used to want to be a whirlwind. You know, one of those winds that fly in and everything changes in relation to them, and when they leave, everything is noticeably different.
I've changed my mind.
I want to be a zephyr. That slight breeze that you can barely feel, in fact, sometimes you don't notice it's there. But if you look for it, you will find it, and it will always be there. Gently cooling and heating, adding that little bit to your day.
I know I'll never be a zephyr. I think I was made to be a gust. But I'd like to be a zephyr, it would be nice to be a zephyr.

I knew before I told you. I knew before I told any of them. I knew before I told myself. I knew because when I closed my eyes, I saw it. I knew because that night changed my life. Actually, I knew because it didn't. And I didn't tell them about that either. Because I can't believe that I am really that person. But I knew. Oh yeah, I knew.

I am a very strong believer in the fact that everything in life can be explained by a happysad cartoon. Or a memoir. Or an episode of NCIS/Gilmore Girls. In fact, life can be explained relatively easily. I don't know why people tell me that life is complicated. People are complicated, life is simple. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes there's nothing you can do, sometimes you can't make your own choices, but it's always simple. If our drama play has taught me anything, it's that little decisions make a difference, and maybe that changes everything. But maybe we make bigger decision that are more important. And that's all that matters.

He calmed me down. That's amazing - crippled soul
I've used that memoir on here before, but I meant it in another way. I just want to bring your attention to the fact that HE CALMED ME DOWN. Because, for me, being calm is a very rare occurance, but he did it!
Usually, when I get that way, it takes about 24 hours for me to snap out of it, and be okay. Either that or a nervous breakdown. Neither are very nice. Obviously.
Instead, he took my 24 hours and made them perfect. I don't know how, and I don't know why, I just know that that's amazing. He's amazing.

And maybe everyone in the world who feels the need to give me their opinion has a point. BUT maybe I do actually know what I'm doing. In fact, maybe, I am actually capable of running my own life, and making my own decisions. Maybe I'm capable of judging character. And maybe, just maybe, I know when I'm happy.
Because I can tell you that I have not been so happy in a really long time. I mean, look at my life. Seriously, take a look. And be very very jealous. Because yes, I dare say, it is currently perfect. Sure, we freak out about assignments all being due, and only passing English by 4%, and not having time to do everything we want to. But this is perfection. I know who I am, and more than that, I love who I am. Finally.

Understand.

She's crazy like a fool
What about it daddy cool

She's crazy like a fool
What about it daddy cool
I'm crazy like a fool
What about it daddy cool

Daddy, daddy cool
Daddy, daddy cool
Daddy, daddy cool
Daddy, daddy cool

I would go on, but after that all the lyrics just repeat themselves.

-----

I have some very sad news. (Other than "I've have a 70s song stuck in my head for the past week") (I am improving, it is no longer Rock On)
I am actually enjoying doing English.
I am sitting here with my depression-h0ur story, sitting in my lap, waiting for inspiration to hit me, so I can write more.
I am serious!
Sure, it's school work! But I'm enjoying writing my short story so much, I want to write more and more.

You all want to read it so far, don't you? Don't you??
OK, keep in mind, most of the paragraphs are unfinished.

My Mum and I have always been best friends. since the day I was born, we've relied on each other for almost everything. We've never had to worry about anything other than each other, and she's always been the person I turn to when something's wrong. Until now.

It's been 3 months now since Mum was diagnosed with brain cancer. Since the day she told me, I've cried myself to sleep every night. I try to be strong for her and put on a brave face, but I really just wish she could protect me from everything, like she used to.

Coming to terms with the fact that she's dying has been really hard. Sometimes, when she smiles, she has this look in her eyes that almost gives me hope. Maybe, she'll be strong enough. Maybe the treatment will work. Maybe we can overpower it together. And then the doctor's report comes back "Her condition is still deteriorating, I'm sorry Millie"

People say things like "I know this must be hard for you..." or "I understand how difficult it is but...", and it just makes it worse. No one really understands. No matter how many people they're known with brain cancer, none of them are my mother.

Stop! How do you feel?? (It's important, I'm a frustrated writer.)

Anyways, before you ask No, it's not based on a true story,.
So... yeah, that's my story

-----

Back by popular demand!

Word of the day: excogitate
What it means: to think out; devise; invent.
Why I care: because lana said she liked when i had a word of the day, so i just opened up my dictionary to a random page(326) and picked a word. this was it. But you all feel smarter for knowing what it means don't you?

(Lana, you'd better read this!)

-----

To EVERYONE who whinged that i was getting too many comments:
You're just JEALOUS! Because I have more friends than you :P
I get that are a few too many people commenting
And that popular blogs should never deal with the blogwriter's thoughts + feelings (it just screws everything up)
But I have great faith in all of you (actually that's bullshit) and i think you can all make this work!

-----

Yes, Rosa, the reason I didn't blog yesterday was because I was working.
Yes, I had major withdrawals. Yes, that's why I started blogging as soon as I woke up. (Well, after I'd commented on other peoples' blogs.)
I understand that my obsession is unhealthy.
But seriously, it's not that much.
I am improving my mental health (ahem.)
Because, I am opening up to the world. Yes??
Goodie =)

-----

We started as friends
But something happened inside me
Now I'm reading into everything
But there's no sign you hear the lighning

You don't even notice me turning on my charm
Or wonder why I'm always where you are

I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we beling
I'll say it in a love song

I've heard you talk about
How you want someone just like me
Everytime I ask you ask
We never move past friendly

You don't ever notice how I stare when we're alone
Or wonder why I keep you on the phone

-----

I heard that song at work yesterday.
(as well as the song from matilda)
And, it is just amazing.
Yay for Westlife.

-----

I REALLY want to play The Sims right now. Becuase it's what I do on weekend mornings before the rest of the world wakes up. But stupid Charlie forgot everything, and now I have to get the thigimos from Amy again, and it's just not the same without university/nightlife. AND it will take me forever to install everything. And then my mum will tell me off for spending too much time on my comp. yes, this is why i get her to install everything.

-----

Everyone lately, has been talking so much about the future.
This totally scares the crap outta me.
I mean, I don't know what I want to do with my life.
Well, I do.
But everyone tells me I should want more for myself.
That I should want to go to university.

Others can go and do anything, they doesn't have to go to uni, maybe it's not their thing. Maybe they'll do something else.
But me?
Oh no, I'm going to uni, what else could I possibly do? And if I don't, I'm just throwing my life away. It's just where I'm headed.
Honestly, I'm too lazy. I know year 12 will be too much stress for me.
I'd rather quit school now.

And you know what I really want?
A kid.
I know, I say it a lot and everyone tells me I'm being ridiculous.
But I really want to have a kid. A little child to look after. Something to do! Not work towards. Something I can make a difference in. A little life to look after. Someone to care for.
I'm being ridiculous again, aren't I?

-----

OK, I'll go smithteening, and then start installing Sims.
I wonder how many comments I'll get today...

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I've got another confession to make, I'm your fool...

My world crumbles without its sun

I really don't have time to be writing this, I haven't caught up on memoirs from my time away at camp, and I need to do my entire drama assignment TODAY BEFORE 10:35, when I need to get ready for work (9 hours, oh joy) and there's stupid trackwork on the trainline, so it shall take me forever to get anywhere.
AND Charlie is in hospital because mum broke him, and there is a 40% chance I won't be able to retrieve the data, oh goody.
Plus, for some strange reason, I am in a REALLY crappy mood again, which I think is partly caused by the stress of the aformentioned things, as well as me questioning very major parts of myself which may or may not have something small or large to do with Wednesday night.
And, well, my family isn't so fabulous atm, (how unusual) but everything seems to be taken out on me or my sister, and thanks all the same, but I can't really take that right now.
So I won't blog again today, and tomorrow I'll probably be really busy, and Tuesday I'm working, so, see you Wednesday?

I wanna be free,
Like the bluebirds
flying by me
Like the waves out on
the blue sea.

If your love
has to tie me,
dont try me,
Say good-bye.

I wanna be free,
Dont say you love me
say you like me,
But when I need you
beside me,

Stay close
enough
to guide me,
confide in me,
Oh-oh-oh

I wanna hold yur hand,
Walk along the sand
Laughing in the sun,
Always having fun
Doing all those things
Without any strings
To tie me down.

I wanna be free,
Like the warm september wind, babe,
Say youll always be my friend, babe.
We can make it to the end, babe,
Again, babe, I gotta say;

I wanna be free
I wanna be free
I wanna be free

Finally letting people see my soul

I have suddenly realised how busy I will be shortly.

Here is next week in the life of Ebony.

Monday - Hand in Maths book for collection. Do ENTIRE IPT assignment IF Payne fixes the stupid database that he screwed up. IPT after school. Drama after school.
Tuesday - Creating connections. Perfect dance for PE - even though Corinne won't be there. Pack for yr 7 camp when I get home. Watch NCIS (it's important!)
Wednesday - Be at school by 7:45am. no I am not kidding. go to camp.
Thursday - at camp. stupid stupid yr 7.
Friday - come home. SLEEP
Saturday - wake up early. drive to canberra. go to family friend's wedding. drive home from canberra. hopefully get home before midnight.
Sunday - working 9 hours :'(. and i have to close. and sunday closes are HARD cuz u have to balance it. :( get home by about 10:30. still sleep deprived from camp.

And THEN i have infamous tuesday. with 4 assignments due.
FAR OUT!

I don't like year 10. CAN YOU IMAGINE YEAR 11??? AND 12???!!!!!

So I should probably go do Geo reasearch action plan.
HOWEVER, I do not like homework.
Therefore, I shall blog.
Excellent logic, don't you think?
Remind me, how have I EVER gotten assignments in on time?

Anyhoodle.

-------

You all know how very much I love 6 word memoirs. But it is not just because they are cool. But because it has introduced me to some very beautiful people.
Some words from Cheru Carnage:

Sticks and stones can break my bones,
but words will never hurt me.
And if I tell that lie enough than maybe you won't see.
Mother dearest always said not to stray far from home.
I never pondered the notion of their voices in my head.
Never saw the needle piercing from underneath my bed.
You cannot heal the wounds,
Not with you swift lick,
I'm sorrys and regrets don't make the farces stick.
Sticks and stones might break my bones
Those words will truly hurt me.
And when I'm standing on a cliff
You will soon desert me..

Isn't that a beautiful poem?
She wrote it ages ago.

-------

MENTIONING LANA
Number 4! Haha, PLEASE tell me you're still reading!
I looove you Lana.
Because your smartness rubbed off on me!!
And my loudness rubbed off on you!!
And today YOU got in trouble for talking in class you naughty girl :L.
(Yes Shailin, it's your influence, too)
Anyways, I LOVE YOU LANA!
You are le awesome.
And THANKYOU for visiting me at work
(You're still the only one :L)
(Oh the joys of looking for mushrooms)
Haha, you're shorter without school shoes on. =)
Ok, that's enough about you

-------

This dance is getting old. Always playing around what neither of us will say. Always getting close, then backing away, before we accidentally say it. Taunting each other with words, with thoughts, with secrets. Scared that if we get too close, one of us will run. So we keep it light, we continue to dance. Always the prospect that one of us will slip, that one of us will leave, that one of us will go too far. And that's what keeps us dancing.

-------

We twirl around in each others arm, and spin in circles laughing. We slow dance together, and we're there for each other. We hold hands and run around. We make trains of hugs, and our faces light our when we see each other. We poke each other, and giggle together. And when poke each other's waist, we instantly fall into each other's arms. It feels so comfortable, so natural that neither of us wants to move. And sometimes we just stay there, to feel each other's warmth, to feel wanted, to feel loved.

But YOU ARE THE WRONG PERSON.
And you feel the same way about me.

-------

I am soo megapissed today. I swear, people say things that usually don't bug me, and I totally raged. And sometimes, well, sometimes I was very hypocritical. I expected people to be able to read my mind, and do what I wanted without me even telling them. And that's not very fair of me, and I get pissed at my mum all the time for it, but that's the kind of mood I was in. I have decided to blame it on PMS and hope I am much nicer very soon :L.

-------

I know you know it makes me feel good about myself. I know you're only doing it to make me smile. But it does! And thankyou so much for that. I used to think we were fabulous friends. I don't think that anymore. I think we are people that use each toehr. You use me to get to her, I use you to feel like I am a good person. At the end of the day we're both happy. And you're manipulative. But so am I, so I forgive you. Maybe we COULD be fabulous friends. But we'd have to sotp using each other, and at the moment, this is working out well.

-------

I don't think any of those people I blogged about read this, even though I have mentioned my blog to all of them. Oh wells, my mum just got home, which mean I should leave before she kills me, besides, Star Trek is starting soon, and I have a lot of chocolate to consume between now and then.
I'll see you under the moon.

-------

Song.Song.Song. Haha, perfect!

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted blac
kMaybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

Hmm, hmm, hmm,...I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

No longer a fan of google.

One – I wish you’d stop lying to me. Seriously, if you don’t mean it, don’t say it, then you won’t have to take it back
Two – Today, I realised how natural we are (sure I figured it out months ago, but it was reiterated today). Thankyou for your beautiful warm hug =)
Three – I realised that I don’t have a problem trusting people, it’s just that sometimes I think they don’t want to hear what I have to say. Blogging, therefore is the perfection solution. I can tell you everything.
Four – No one noticed I was acting any different. I talk to you how I talk to everyone else. They didn’t even recognise it was you. It was normal. Finally.

---------------------------------

I am currently very emotional.
Which I find funny.
But I like laughing at myself, so it’s all good. (Puts up thumbs like Shailin) (Up Down Up Down Up Down)

Hmmm, looking for something to say…
I can’t think of anything.

Haha, me and my sister just sang Day dream believer at the top of our lungs. =) Gotta love being home alone.
This morning it was Our song. And that was straight after I blogged it, I swear, she’s in my head!!

Nikki: “We spent too much time together, we always…”
Me: “…say the same thing at the same time…”
Together: “…and finish each other’s sentences”

--------------------------------

Gah, I am going to be very busy over the next few weeks.
This is everything happening on the 24th of March.

Sometime:
Talent quest

Period 2:
Creating connections
Geography in class assignment

Periods 5:
P.E. dance in hall
Drama assignment due

Period 6:
P.E. dance in hall
IPT assignment due


See how it doesn’t all fit??

Oh, and next Wednesday/Thursday I won’t be blogging. Are you disappointed? Year 7 camp here I come!!
And I don’t even wanna go, I have too much stuff to do.
Lizzie: “Are you feeling okay?”
Hehe, probably not.
But I don't even like my stupid creating connections group. =(

--------------------------------

You know what annoys me? (other than ebony + ivory jokes, people that are mean and bad tv spinoffs)
When people tell me I look like people I don't look like.
(Yes Amy, I'm looking at you)
SERIOUSLY!
1. Mr Baxter - I mean, he looks like Tom Cruise, so it's a compliment, but I don't look like him!! Just cuz I'm white!!
2. Dominic (yr 7 dude) - some random year 7er said I look like him, and the Julia comes up and says "Is that your brother?"
3. Jarryd - Ok, yes, Jarryd is awesome. And yes, it feels weird to say year 9 buddy. But people say I look like him, (mainly Sandie) apparently we have the same mouth :S.

Sorry, but it seriously pisses me off.
(Not as much as Ebony + Ivory jokes, people that are mean and bad TV spinoffs)
(NCIS being one of the GOOD TV spinoffs)

-----------------------------

Speaking of NCIS, (go with it) I missed it last night!!! I didn't get home until 9:24, so I only saw the last 8 minutes. And Tuesday are the new episodes!!
And they played an episode on, like, saturday or sunday night, and it was season 2!! Why can't they play season 4??? Stupid channel 10. Season 6 repeats? Sure. Season 4? Never!

Haha, I'm so stupid about TV. I mean, seriously, NCIS? It's not all that good. (Shoot me later) But I still watch it EVERYTIME it's on. And like, House. Hello? Phobia of needles!! But I LOVE House.

--------------------------------

MENTIONING ROSA!!!
Rosa is cool like sliced bread. (H)
She is the friend (stalker) of everyone in our grade.
She made us all a rose for V Day (well, the girls anyway)
She was my very first blog fan.
Meaning that she actually commented when no one else was bothered.
She currently has too many (14) followers. this is unfair. i have 7.
(last week i had 5, this is a big step up)
(Rosa is one of my new ones)
Her blog is le awesome. The video on her post today made me cry (shut up)
Now Rosa should mention me too, yes?

MENTIONING LANA!!!
Lana is smart like... sliced bread. 8-
She is the nerd of our grade
She tops, like EVERY subject. Crazy little girl.
Mr Anault: "Have you ever met someone who is scary smart?"
Michelle: "Like Lana?"
She hasn't read my blog since January... except at lunch the other day, which totally doesn't count.
The only reason she read it is cuz she was mentioned, so if she has survived the boringness of the rest of the blog, she should be happy that she has got this far (now go and read everything you skipped)
Now she should read my blog, yes?

---------------------------------------

Happy moments of my past week:
1. Running down the street trying to catch a Santa. All the Holsworthy High people staring at me, thinking I'm insane. Then catching it, making a wish, and skipping away. =)

2. Jumping up and down like a retard with Lucy today singing Our Song. Forgetting the words, and making them up. :L

3. Spinning in regional dance, and then falling over from being dizzy. Then everyone else falls over too.

4. Tansy being my man, and us posing like the cover of Twilight :L. Dancing with Tansy as well. She is cool.

5. Our group being able to fall back into our style. We're cool like that.

6. Me: "Did you see the full moon last night?"
Other person: "Yeah, wasn't it pretty?"
Me: *thinking: you wish it was your moon* "Did you howl?"
Other person: *gives crazy look*
Except for Barbara!!! Who said "Oh, so you heard me?"

------------------------------

Too long now, huh?
But mum is at work, so I am enjoying my freedom.
Picture this:
No one looking over your shoulder
No one asking what you're doing every 5 minutes
No one saying "have you done your homework yet?"
or "I think you've been on long enough now"
Or "Who are you talking to?"

It is such beautiful freedom. She doesn't get home until 9:30!!! And she whinges about late hours...
--------------------------------------

“That is the second time I’ve dropped my pen. I’m getting really pissed now!! And I mean that in the drunk way”
So, my sister told me to never blog about her again, but, I couldn't resist.

Oh. My. Gosh.

My sister wants to find my blog. She is going to google me.
That means she WILL find it.
Seriously, it is like, the first thing.
But she says she'll save it for another day, because I practically got on my knees and begged her not to. :S

--------------------------------

Im not looking for someone to talk to
Ive got my friends, Im more than ok
Ive got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams but its not all they say
Still I believe Im missing something real
I need someone who really sees me

Chorus:
Dont wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing youll walk through my door
All I need is to know its for sure
Then Ill give all the love in the world

Ive often wondered if loves an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I cant criticize it - I have no hesitation
My imagination just stole me away
Still I believe
Im missing something real
I need someone who really sees me

Chorus

Loves for a lifetime not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
Yeah Im only human
And nights grow colder
With no-one to love me that way
Yeah I need someone who really sees me

And I wont wake up alone anymore
Still believing youll walk through my door
Youll reach for me and Ill know its for sure
Then Ill give all the love in the world

(dont wanna wake up alone
still believing youll walk through my door
dont wanna wake up alone anymore)

Crash. That was you and me.

Because I am totally drowned in homework/assignments. (And I mean drowned, I've done 2 hours of homework today ALREADY) (And I NEVER do homework on Fridays, I leave it till the weekend), I am going to post EVEN WORSE than yesterday. And yes, it's anothre lame excuse I know. I am a bad blogger =(

"Imagine you are a sparrow. And you are sitting on the branch of a tree, looking out at the world. Would you worry why the sky was blue? Would you concern yourself with maths, or physics?"
"No, of course not."
"Why not?"
"Because it would be beyond the comprehension of my brain."
"So then, can you accept the fact that, as a man, there are things out there that are beyond the comprehension of your brain?"
"Well, if I couldn’t accept that, I would be a rather foolish man."

The immortal genius that is Star Trek =)

(Have I mentioned that I FINALLY have Sci Fi channel?)

Anyways.
Song? (remember, i'm a bad blogger) (at least im writing something, right?)


Crash.
That was you and me
Started out so innocently
Shattered on the ground
I hear the sound

Crash
Ringing in my ears
I still feel the sting of my tears
Someone wake me
I can’t seem to break free

go on
Get out of my head
I’m on the wrong side of a parallel universe
Am I alive or just dead
I’ve been stumblin' in the dark
Living in a crash world

Hush
Don’t say one more word
At this point the truth seems absurd
Cuz who we were
Is gone forever

Crushed
Underneath the fears
Everything’s so twisted and weird
Someone save me
I can’t seem to break free

Go on
Get out of my head
I’m on the wrong side of a parallel universe
Am I alive or just dead
I’ve been stumblin' in the dark
Living in a crash world
Crash world, yeah yeah

Slow motion
Devastation
Should’ve seen it coming
But I couldn’t do nothing

Emotion
Desperation
Someone save me
I can’t seem to break free

Go on
Get out of my head
I’m on the wrong side of a parallel universe
Am I alive or just dead
I’ve been stumblin' in the dark
Living in a crash world
crash world
crash world

Unspeakable words I choose to write

‘One of the hardest things in life
is having words in your heart
that you cannot utter.’

So, for just one blog, I am going to utter the unutterable. And I am going to try very hard not to care what people think when they read it.

(This blog has actually been a long time in the making, but one day I got all pissy and deleted the stuff I was gonna write, so it’s all new and not very good, sorry)

Love disobeys all rules.
It’s the one thing that science can’t explain
And when people ask “what’s the reason for life?”, love is the only thing they can’t argue with.

Maybe that’s what makes it beautiful, the fact that it’s magical. It is totally unparallel to every other feeling. It does not conform to fit in with the rest of our world. It allows itself freedom and beauty. The only thing that really is beautiful.

You build up this defence so that no one sees you weak, you appear strong and powerful, and you feel it too. And then someone comes along and destroys it all in a single breath. And it’s not like you asked for it. Oh no, love doesn’t work like that, it doesn’t even make sense. You didn’t do anything to make this happen. They didn’t do anything either, except maybe something stupid like smile. And then you’re weak, weaker than you’ve ever been before. And you’re in pain. And it sets your soul on fire. So that you can’t bear the pain, and the only remedy is to think of them. Every second of everyday. To see parts of them in every part of the world. And then it doesn’t matter when you’re in pain… you just think of them, and everything is okay.

… I am such an idiot. :L

(Read in a British accent [HughGrant-esque])
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport. General opinion makes out that we live in a world of hatred and greed - but I don't see that – it seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there: fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge; they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love, actually, is all around.”

I just spent 10 minutes looking for that quote so you read it, okay?? (It’s the opening lines of loveactually.)
(To view it with the video, click here)

(Steals from Lizzie)

After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and that you really do have worth. You learn that with every goodbye, there's a hello.


I don't care how many fish there are in the sea.
I don't want a fish.
I want you.

What if I don’t care how you feel about me? What if it doesn’t matter if we “want different things”? What if I just want to be happy? What if I just want someone to think about that will make me smile instead of cry? So, what you say doesn’t really make a difference, I don’t need you to love me, or even like me, I just need you to let me love you. Because I’ve never been this happy before. And I don’t know if it’s because of you, I just know that you light up my life, everytime I talk to you. And I’m willing to give everything to keep those few opportunities I get to smile. I can’t explain how wonderful you make me feel, I just want to hold onto this feeling for as long as possible.

I think I love you too much, and it’s wrong, and you can’t deal with wrong, and so one of us is going to get hurt…again. Every part of me screams “Not him! Please, just not him!” and yet, I feel I can’t hurt myself over you again, because it would make me lose faith. In love, in God, in fate, in karma, in life. Still, that wouldn’t be as bad as hurting you… so I’ll just wait for you to break me.

(Steal from Amy)

Love is hurting like hell when you know they don’t love you back, but you still love them the same.
Love is not about being in a relationship, its about wanting to be a part of someone's life... unconsciously, non-stop
Love is when you finish being totally obsessed over someone and you just want to be there for them
Love is not the craving for something with them... it’s the craving for them... for them to be happy
Love is when you’re 1000 miles away, and your heart is tearing into bits
Love is... making me slowly drive insane
Love is not thinking about them every second, its thinking about them every millisecond
Love is walking a little longer, just to see the smile on their face
Love is feeling empty every night because you’re not with them
Love is a distraction when it comes to maths
Love is when a song plays; you twist the words to fit perfectly in your mind to make it sound like they are singing it
Love is... making my cheeks permanently red
Love is when you read a poem and you think that every poem is written just for you both to share
Love is seeing a new text message and wishing it was them sending it to you
Love is when you GET that text message from them, and you just look at it and breathe in and out and just stare at it for a while before you give in to the phone vibrating and open the message =)
Love is sitting at the computer all day, wishing they would go online just for a second
Love is when you see something cute... you think of them
Love is... making me a bit of a fool
Love is every one of those things and so much more

You know what? No. Not anymore. I disagree, I am not in love with you. I was, and now I just…
Wow, it’s so hard to explain.
I need for you to be happy. And everytime I see you’re hurt, I ache for me to be the person to make you happy. Whether it’s because I want you to love me, or because I know that if I help someone so flawless, I become a better person and I actually do the right thing, I’m not sure. I just know that it’s unbearable. That’s why I’m writing this. Because if I could just live with it, I would, but I can’t. Because I want someone to say “I know what you’re going through”, or “it’s okay, you won’t always feel like that”, or “do you need a hug?” Because I need someone to understand.. Because I need you to know…More than that… I need you to care.

You know how people block out particularly hazardous memories? I don’t remember a whole month of my life. Since then, I’ve heard that I was pretty messed up. That I didn’t smile, that I randomly stared into space, even that I randomly cried, that people would ask me questions over and over, and never get my full attention. And my sister… she still asks what happened, she said, it was awful, that she’d never seen me like that.
I don’t remember, I’ve never been able to remember. I don’t want to.
I can’t do it again.
And I’m being selfish, and immature, and unfair and… foolish.
And I don’t care.
Because more than anything I need you to understand this, and I need you to care, at least a tiny bit, how I feel.

Just… don’t… leave.

And I’m scared.
I’m really, really scared.
Of everything.
I’m scared of how you’ll react to this.
I’m scared of what other people think of me for being so stupid.
I’m scared I’m lying to myself.
I’m scared of what you think of me.
I’m scared of losing you.
I’m scared that there’s nothing to lose.
I’m scared of life.

I want those 3 weeks.
The ones you’ve probably forgotten about.
And the person who offered me them.
Who you have also probably forgotten about.

Or those 3 wishes.
You’ve probably forgotten about those too…

And yes, I know what you’re gonna say, but…
Thought you should know,
I’ve tried my best to let go of you,
But I don’t want to

I dunno if I even wanna post this, because I’m sure I’ll regret it… but I don’t backspace anymore, so, I guess it’s set in stone.
Well, here goes nothing.

Wow, I get crazier when I'm tired

I voted for sleep; writing won. – Nosygrrl

I feel bad for not posting much. Even though I warned you.
Do I am gonna write about The World’s Most Awesomest Songs, which is basically every song that I’m into at the moment. Warning: Tomorrow I may hate these songs, but that’s just what I’m like.
I’ll start with the most recent additions to my phone playlist… and then just randoms. (Soorry about my Westlife obsession, but they are sooooooo cooooool.)

Just as lost as everyone else. – ell-oh-vee-ee13

1. So Young – The Corrs. This song is cool
Best part: We are chasin' the moon
Just running wild and free
We are following through
Every dream and every need
And it really doesn't matter if we don't eat
And it really doesn't matter if we never sleep
No it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all
Coz we are so young now

Watch sun dance across morning sky – cicada

2. What Can I Do – The Corrs.
Best part: I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

i think i think too much. – time4change

3. Would You Be Happier – The Corrs. (Only a little obsessed)
Best part: Did you ever wonder where the story ends, and how it all began,
I do
Did you ever dream you were the movie star with popcorn in your hand,
I did
Do you ever think you're someone else inside, when no one understands,
you are
And wanna disappear inside a dream but never wanna wake,
wake up
Then you stumble on tomorrow, and trip over today

Still stopping to smell the rainbows. – M. Ritchie

4. Gives You Hell – All American Rejects
Best part: Now you’ll never see, what you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories they’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies, you can look me in the eyes
With that sad, sad look that you wear so well

404: Life could not be found. – Ryan Harthkopf

5. Something Right – Westlife
Best part: If you want me I must be doing something right
I got nothing left to prove
And it's all because of you
So if you need me
And baby I make you feel alive
I know I must be doing
Doing something right

Does he think about me, too? - coulda.been.a.comet

6. Paper Bag – Anna Nalick (I know I wrote a lot, I’m sorry)
Best part: be so damn beautiful
Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay
Fly little bee away
To where theres no more rain
And I can be me

Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"

She tries hard not to cry – jenOHside

7. Mandy – Westlife (originally by some other dude… but who cares??)
Best part: The night goes into
Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me

i'm not allowed to love you... – Harriet Taylor

8. Flying Without Wings – Westlife
Best part: You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

You breathe music? Yeah, me too. – singitloud

9. World of our own – Westlife (Anyone else sensing a pattern?)
Best part: We got a little world of our own
I'll tell you things that no one else knows
I let you in where no-one else goes
What am I doing without you?
And all of the things I've been looking for
Have always been here outside of my door
And all of the time I'm looking for something new
What am I doing without you?

Smile; Happy looks good on you. – Kaida

10. Unbreakable – Westlife
Best part: Swept away on a wave of emotion
Over caught in the eye of the storm
And whenever you smile
I can hardly believe that you're mine

He makes the words seem beautiful. – Snowdrop54

11. Loneliness Know Me By Name – Westlife
Best part: The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

find your song. then live it. - jace(slowhand)

12. Every little thing you do – Westlife
Best part: It's every little thing you do
That makes me fall in love with you
There isn't a way that I can show you
Ever since I've come to know you
It's every little thing you say
That makes me wanna feel this
There's not a thing that I can point to
'Cause it's every little thing you do

I know what I'm wishing for... – coulda.been.a.comet

13. No Place That Far – Westlife
Best part: If I had to run
If I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers
Just to climb a thousand walls
Always know that I would find a way
To get to where you are
There's no place that far

For him, I'll trade them all. – edyka

14. Can’t Lose What You Never Had – Westlife
Best part: Fear of rejection, kept my love inside,
But time is running out, so damn my foolish pride,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy,
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad,
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had

Find myself reflected by song lyrics. – Luise



And that is as much of my insanity as I am showing you today.



OK, so… I don’t really like my blog anymore. (But it’s green! Has anyone told me it’s green?). Because it makes me feel like I have to be something I’m not. :S. And I KNOW that’s stupid because I’m never anything (anyone?) I’m not here. I just…
I’m soo not a blog person.
I am a Keep Secrets To Myself and Intrigue People Because They Don’t Get Me person.
In fact, this blog wasn’t supposed to be… a blog. (I’ve lost it. Help, anyone?)
Does ANYONE remember why I made it??

If crazy is cool, I'm awesome – jenOHside

Of course not. Because now it is just a little piece of my mind that I get to share with people, and you assume that’s what it’s always been.
But ALL of my favourite posts (apart from the insane ones, because, well, I’m insane) were the ones that carried on the initial purpose of my blog. (Confused much?).
And those posts ended on November 22.
And ever since then this has been a bloggy-blog. AND I DON’T LIKE IT ANYMORE.

So I shall whinge and do nothing to change it. And you shall put up with my whinging and say ‘Why did you start it?’ and ‘You can be yourself Ebony’ and blah-di-blah. And sure, I can be myself, but I can’t be who I want to be.

(Yeah, NOW you’re thinking ;))

I'll never understand what that meant. – coulda.been.a.comet