Stresses, and things

So stresses, and things.
Because there are days when you get in your car and drive down the driveway and there is water falling from your face and you don't know why.
Or maybe you do know why on some deep level but you can't reach that level because there's all this stuff in the way.
And you've been telling yourself for so long that you're happy, you've been happy for so long.
And exams aren't stressful, are they Ebony? And you enjoy them. And you can't wait for that moment of relief as you walk into the exam room and you can almost convince yourself that that moment can come a week early.

And I don't know if that's it, I don't know if that's the reason why I feel like this.
Once my exams are over will I still feel like this?
Or will I be happy again?
Is that what happy is? Is that what happy does?

I don't know what I'm doing, why am I up all night looking at stupid random crap on the internet and not caring about... things? What is so amazing about my neopets?

I'm procrastinating like my holidays have come early and then freaking out about my exams but then every time I go to study, I know all the things... So I feel like I don't have to study?

And I don't know. I feel weird and crappy and stressy and I do this to myself all the time.
I like stress, stress makes me work.
Until the point where I can't any more.
And I don't see the point coming.
And I think I can keep going on like this forever.
Living for the future instead of for now.
Is that what I'm doing?
Sometimes it feels like it.
Living for after exams, or after uni, or after... something.

And I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore.
I promised I would live in the now.
But there's so many things in the now.
And all I want is hot chocolate and a warm bed and some freaking neopets.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

I just want to be happy.