Stay true

For the people in my life...

Person One
You agreed with me that one should be spelt, rather than written with numbers. But that's sort of irrelevant. Aside from your smile when you said it, which is completely relevant, because it's the smile I'm learning to hate because of the effect is has on me. I will never be enough for you. And it's not even that I will never be good enough, I just won't be enough. You don't want better you want more. You deserve more.



Person Two
I miss you. And I've been missing you for a while now, but I'm too scared to tell you because you'll give me a lecture, and I'll feel... like me. I'll feel like I'm too weak to handle anything on my own so I go running to you instead because you can handle anything. And I don't want to be that weak. So I'm not going to tell you that I miss you.



Person Three
I don't like seeing you or thinking about you too much, because it hurts. "Turned out to hurt way more than I thought it could". I didn't think it would hurt this much, it is really quite unexpected. I feel like doing things you would hate, even though you don't know I'm doing them. I feel like playing bad music really quietly.



Person Four
So when these three people got to me too much, I went to you and went completely insane. So now you talk to me ALL THE TIME. Well, you did, but now it's more me wanting to talk to you too. And when stuff starts hurts I talk to you and you make the hurt go away a bit. Which is weird, but, so nice.



Person Five
You make me feel stronger than I've ever felt before. You give me confidence to be myself because you make me feel like the person I am is a good one. I think you're sad a lot, but you don't tell me why, which upsets me, because I would really do anything to help you. I want you to feel like I feel; invincible =)


Have a good day =)

I'm still alive

Right, so, long time no post, and a lot has happened in that time.
I guess the big thing is that Victor and I broke up. Which is why my blog has been renamed "Ebony is cool". I am okay. I do not need a hug or chocolate (although both will be accepted if offered)
I've also had a physics, legal, modern, chem and english task. (Thankyou maths :L) And I did pretty well in all of them. =) The worst was probably modern which is good because I want to drop it :L, and the best is chem, which is sort of ironic.
I've worked a lot which is oh so inconvenient most of the time, but it gives me money. Which I just throw away by ACCIDENTALLY THROWING OUT MY ITUNES VOUCHER =(
I've been to Scientists' Stories at UNSW, and fallen in love. With UNSW of course. They gave me a free pen. Plus, it's damn pretty!

Speaking of UNSW, I've been to USYD and UWS this last weekend, both of which suck (maybe only because my heart belongs to unsw). UWS was more of a carnival than a uni open day. It had face painting and a petting zoo.
Talent Quest and Variety Night were last Friday. TQ was awesome, our grade is so cool it's unbelievable. And after school I went to Mac Square to get free ice cream for Katy Perry day =). Variety Night was also unbelievably cool, the atmosphere was awesome, and afterwards Amy slept over for us to talk about boys.
The dragons have been kicking ass =). Well, except that one time =L. But yeah, we're guaranteed the minor premiership, which is very cool.
YEARLYS START NEXT WEEK. Well actually, the week after next because there's none on the Friday in the draft timetable. And yeah, I'm excited, because I'm a freak and I get excited about stuff like exams.
And prefect elections were, wait, no, they haven't happened yet because our school is disorganised and can't stick to their own calendar. =L
And my ex-neighbour, Shaarn, who moved to port macquarie, moved back into my street on the weekend =) To convince herself to go to uni next year =L

And that's Ebony's life lately =)
Smile, the world is beautiful!

Hope.

" You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

---

"Four hundred years ago, a well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone."

I am stepping in.



You are not alone.


...if you don't want to be.

Free falling

“You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.

You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.”

"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."



"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."

But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.



You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.

“You always believed what you saw. Until you learned to believe what you felt.

Do what you feel is right and you will always be doing the right thing."

Capable

Confession #12: Sometimes, I think they're all right. The best option might be to lie.

"Where are you? You’ve seemed a little distant lately. Like you’ve got something to hide. You can tell me. I won’t be mad."

"I can't see the big picture." - coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.

---

The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.

---

I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?

Now I'll stop thinkning about it...

One – I stopped. That was the first step.
TWO – It should make a difference, but it doesn’t
Three – It was just something I had to do
Four – I guess it didn’t make sense in the first place, did it?

Explanation of weird behaviour after drama:

Everything was perfect. The sand, the waves, the rocks, the sun, and especially the person sitting next to me. I was completely at ease. It was beautiful, unbelievable. The feeling of complete relaxation was one I’d never before encountered. This was how my mind relaxed best, imagining you. And then he said “You have to be completely alone”, so I tried. I forced my picture, I warped it, I used all my energy to push you out of my mind. You fled, and I held you away. “Relax” he said. I let go, I stopped pushing; you flooded back to me. No! I forced you away. Pushing, pushing. “Be completely relaxed,” he repeated. No! I can’t! Not if I’m meant to be alone. I opened my eyes and gave up. Relaxation without you doesn’t exist; I guess I should have known.

Categorising life by colour.

Quote:
Ellen:"Who’s Matt? Am I to assume you’ve finally named the voice in your head?”
Gina: “No, the voice in my head is a female”
--Instant Message
6 word memoir: Fell asleep thinking about his kiss – edyka
Song in head: Breathless – The Corrs. I love it. <33
Listening to: 3AM – Matchbox Twenty
Thinking about: Hmm, everything. Not that that’s unusual for me. But normally my thoughts are guided towards something vaguely specific.
Annoyed by: Shitty version of 20 good reasons I’m listening to, cuz there’s no good ones on Limewire.
Cheered by: Knowing that I can save someone
Mood: Hopeful. Happy (FINALLY). Reminiscent. And something else… but I dunno what it is.

____________________________________________

Yesterday I found out that one of my family friends is pregnant. She’s 22. Not in a steady relationship. My reaction: :O “That’s so cool”. My parents: :S
I think I really freaked them out.
But honestly, I don’t care.

____________________________________________

OMGSH. I came 4th in our grade in Science!!!

NO! I won’t let it go!!
That is sooo cool!!! 4th!!!
I’ve never come 4th in anything!

____________________________________________

You people will never ever guess who this is about. That makes me smile:
Weird. I mean, I don’t think I’m jealous, I just don’t want you to like her. I don’t want you to like me either, though. I just…maybe I think you’ll hurt her, cuz she sorta likes you too. I dunno. I know you made my day today. Because you made me realise that I have a gift. A gift I shall use to its full potential.
Especially regarding you.
I will help you, if it’s the last thing I do.
Which it could be.
Although, you don’t scare me, you excite me.
And I’m sorry I stare at you so much, it’s just because you intrigue me.
But now I have a point to prove.
And I can’t wait!!

_______________________________________________

She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining

And if there's no tomorrow
And all we have is here and now
I'm happy just to have you
You're all the love I need somehow

It's like a dream
Although I'm not asleep
And I never want to wake up

I don't want to say I love you
That would give away too much

Though I'm frightened by the word
Think it's time that it was heard

I don't wanna say I want you
Even though I want you so much

No there's nothing quite as real
As a touch of your sweet hand
_______________________________________________

OK, so, I've gone through my next 100 memoirs. And... I've picked out all my favourites. And I ended up with 31. But I don't want to kick out any of them. So you get 31 instead of 30 this time. And if you don't wanna read them, then skip em, ok? I don't care. Just don't tell me (:L).
Disclaimer: Some of these aren't about what they should be about, or what you think they're about. Some aren't about anything, but I guess, I thought them, so I must have a reason.
Ehh, just read em, you losers!

Can't lose what I never had.

Your voice makes my head spin.

Maybe saying it'll make it true.

Wish my life was a fairytale.

I always feel empty around you.

There's a reason it's called "falling"

Sorry in advance for tomorrow's mistakes.

My thoughts are slowly killing me...

I've finally found happiness within myself.

Can't do what's best for me.

I can be my own superhero.

I thought you needed me too.

God,
Why is everyone else normal?

The stars spell out your name.

I taught him to break me.

Tears form pools on my pillow.

You are beautiful, never forget that.

How can I fight with destiny?

I love you. End of story.

Your eyes outshine the night sky.

Your words cut holes in me.

I'm going to be happy today!

That 1% is tearing me apart.

Everyday, every night, every thought; you.

I'd catch a star for you.

I'd love to watch you sleep.

Is it better to have loved?

Runaway with me, our own lovestory.

You make my soul feel happy.

Scared I'll run out of words...

Warning: Next mood swing-- 30 seconds.

_______________________________________________

You know, this is my 99th post.
How exciting!!
My last one before I reach triple digits.
I wonder if my 100th post will be worth it.
5 moths.10 days.
That's how long I've had my blog. And MOST of posts were in November :L.
I'm getting to be a more frequent blogger.
I like this now, it feels safe, like, I trust you guys.
Do feel special?
You should!
And you know what else you should do??
COMMENT.
Cuz seriously, half the people that used to read my blog, I don' think they bother anymore.
And if you're reading this, like, next year, when you go blogsurfing... comment anyway!! (And then feel guilty for not reading earlier. But comment first)
It's my delurking day!!
So delurk!

_______________________________________________

=D.
Today, drama club performed for year assembly =)=).
Apparently, everyone stuffed up.
But we had fun...
And it was fun practicing.

I'm sorta pissed that peoples laughed at us...
Like, it was meant to be all tragic... how we all die because we're all forgotten. And how being misunderstood can lead to bad things happening.
That's right!! There's a message is our bad acting!
I still haven't seen our performance.
Cuz everyone always mucks around, and when we actually perform, I die before we even get halfway, and then I just sit there dead on Cassie/Imogen/Sophie/whoeverispuppet2, and try not to smile. I sorta wish I'd seen it.
Although, peoples were filming it *shudder*, so maybe I'll see it sometime.

_______________________________________________

Quote:
Nikki: "Wow, that is such wisdom!!"
Me: "Yeah, pitty it's bullshit."
6 word memoir: Throw rocks at window, I'll come. – coulda.been.a.comet
Song in head: Message to my girl - Spit Enz
Listening to: I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Thinking about: Hehe, I don't wanna say this time.
Annoyed by: Stupid idiot who found my blog so now I can't write about him.
Cheered by: A deal that I'm mayb gonna make with myself.
Mood: I feel warm. I kow that's not technically a mood. But... it is to me. Cuz I know what I mean :L.

I'm getting better

I wanted to write down the number 29, so I wouldn’t forget how much thrivingviolet had favourited me.
When I wrote it, realised it was your birthday, and threw it out.
I’m never gonna forget that number.
And I don’t need another reminder of you.

You're quirky in ways I love. – Mirruku Chii

I don’t know if you guys remember him talking about how he liked me cuz I’m quirky. But I do. Remember my kick ass memory? Yeah, I hate it! Because, for everyone else, things drain, and for me, they may as well have happened yesterday. Time doesn’t heal all wounds when time changes nothing. Sure, I love being able to remember our drama script and stuff like that, but, sometimes, it’s not worth it.

I don’t know whether or not I’m over you. I think I am. Simply because I love the idea of you being stuck on 36636422. It makes me feel warm inside. Like, you’re getting more than me; you’re getting what you deserve. To you, she is beauty itself. It sort explores the only facet of your personality that I never dealt with, your ability to love unconditionally. You loved her for 6 years. And you never told anyone. She’s the one who made you depressed. It hurts me that she did that to you, and yet, I feel this little place in my heart for her. The girl I’ve never met. That’s how you explained her. She was your sun, your stars, your sky.

Maybe it would help if you had moved on. Properly. None of this “I’ve put my life in perspective” bullshit. As in, you’d actually moved on. Then I could too. I don’t like getting hurt by you, it’s not fair. But I don’t feel how I used to about you.

I’m all confused for sure, especially since you still seem to be everything. But I’m going back into that phase of my life I was in a few weeks ago, I don’t miss you as I used to, and I’m accepting things as they are.

Death by broken heart

"i did fall in love with u once, but i believe it was because of the fact that u said u liked me first,
perhaps if i had of been more secure with myself i would have realised all the things that now make sense

... it was a superficial love,
i really knew nothing about u,
i liked the fact that i could talk to u without having to "dumb down"
i liked the fact that a pretty girl showed interest in me,
i liked the fact that u were quirky and different.
But now i see that stuff isn't enough, we're both at different stages in our lives, both after different things..."

Still trying to trust his words – edyka

jeez, that makes everything better, doesnt it?

couldnt you see that that was going to hurt me?
and how could you say you knew nothing about me? when you knew everything. i told you everything. i told you stuff im still too ashamed to put on this blog. i let you in on absolutely everything!!
and then i gave myself to you and gave you permission to destroy me.
i think i would have preferred if you did it then, rather than now.

Don't give up on me, please. – coulda.been.a.comet

everything just stopped making sense.

i actually thought we were on the same page for once. you told me we were.
i didnt think you'd take back everything.

Some things never make any sense. – angie

you were the only person in my life that made me feel special. that made me feel good about myself.
if you didnt mean it, you shouldnt have said it

Just please tell me the truth. – angie

i was ready, finally, to try. to try to do something for myself, and for you.

i dont think this is making sense. i dont think my life is making sense, so maybe this is just a reflection of that.

i feel dead inside.

My soul's dying without my angel. - ThrivingViolet

contrary to what you may think. you know everything there is to know about me.
i trust you with my life.
and i trust you with the deepest darkest parts of myself.

Puddles of problems and no mop. – coulda.been.a.comet

why is it that the only person who could ever understand everything suddenly doesnt care anymore?
and why is it that just when i'm finally happy, the best friend ive ever had takes back everything he's said to me??

My tears can't be fought anymore. – Kelseyy

here, i wrote this yesterday, i was gonna blog it today.
i still want to. even though it means is so different to what it used to mean


You changed me in beautiful, permanent ways. (I sooo would have used that for a memoir if I didn’t feel so bad about changing the meaning by shortening it). I just wanted to tell you what some of those ways are, since I’m crazily obsessed with you, and may as well use my overthinkingness especially regarding you in a more positive way.

1. My overthinkingness. Yeah, thanks heaps. It’s okay though, I’m only overthinking about you, and it’s nice to have such focus. You know, it has improved my will power, being able to focus more clearly on specific things.

2. My vocabulary. It has actually acquired a little more sophistication than my vocabulary of a year ago. My sentence structure has improved too.

3. My discipline. Sure, I’m still not the model student, but I will listen to some rules laid down by authority, thanks for helping understand that people want the best for me. You explained things so well, I’ve learned to analyse things the way you did, and understand them.

4. I fight for what I want. I used to argue because I enjoyed it, now I argue to make change. “Be the difference you want to see in the world”. Well, I’m fixing things little by little.

5. I’ve stopped caring so much about what other people think of me. If I have nice friends and family, and people out there that love me, I don’t need to care what everyone else wants me to be.

6. My dedication. The way you spoke about 36636422, it was so beautiful. You thought I would be jealous after all of that, but I told you “actually no, I’m surprised that someone could love someone else so much” and then I thought to myself, ‘could he ever feel that way about me?’ But I don’t care anymore whether you feel like that about me. To know for sure that love like that really is out there, to know that there’s a chance that you will feel it, and even just to witness it, your dedication has made me see beauty in the world.

7. As hard as it may be to believe, I’m less selfish than I used to be. I weigh opinions, and I try to come to a rational response. If I don’t have at least 24 hours to think it over, however, I make the selfish decision. I’m only rational whilst lying in bed at night, because that is the only time I allow you to have any influence over me. During the day, I still wonder if it was all just a dream, but looking out my window at the stars/moon, I know it was all true.

8. You taught me to care. I used to only want significant details of people’s lives. I only wanted to know the big things (i.e. why their life wasn’t perfect). Now, I’m anxious to know everything, to be involved, to understand everything about a person. I think this is subconsciously because I want you to know everything about me again. Also, because, if I can be the perfect friend to someone else that you were to me, I deserve you again.

9. You know I’ve always thought you were perfect, but not in a “oh he’s so amazing” sort of a way, it’s just that, if you asked me a few years ago who I wanted to be when I was older, I would have described you. You made the right decisions, the ones I never could because I was embarrassed or ashamed, or I thought it would lead to something I didn’t want. Thank you for letting me see that the perfect me can still exist if I try hard enough to do the right thing. It’s really helping me do things the right way.

10. My OCD. I think I actually got some of that from you. Sure, I was already a little crazy, but you focused my craziness into something more definable… I still remember how obsessive you used to be…

11. Addiction to chocolate. Remember the caramello koalas? Yeah, that started it. Before that, chocolate was just nice, you made me fall in love with it :).


Ok, so there’s heaps more, but I’m getting al lovey-dovey and I’m pretty sure you guys really don’t care.
Point is: my ex-best friend is awesome! And you should all wish you had someone as cool as him to influence your life!


...

Sad thing is...

You still expect us to go on as if you had said nothing.
You think that because I'm not in love with you anymore, I won't care that you never really loved me. You think that we should go on, and try and piece together our friendship again. You think that this changes nothing. That it’s irrelevant because it’s in the past.
And you don’t know that I’m sitting here falling apart, because the one thing I thought was real is suddenly just another lie.

I'm Back!

You want you 6 words and you KNOW it
Lying on rooftops, contemplating the world - redteacup

ok, im back.
after my lovely CAMP!! and my birthday, i am back.
i have a few things lined up to blog about over the next few days
e.g
1. Best Frieds :)
2. My Final Goodbye
3. Friends @ camp.
4. My Birthday
5. Australian Idol
...etc

BUT for the next few days ill be really busy what with going out for dinner, spanish school, staying the weekend w/ my aunty and my birthday lunch with family
so i shall maybe autopost a little bit of this stuff in advance, like, say, today?

ok, blog numero uno ~ Best Friends :)

19-11-08 11am

Now that's just not right.
You shouldn't be my life ANYMORE.
And I don't even mean in a romantic way, I mean, my whole life shouldn't be about us being friends.
Because it is!

You know why I took that leap of faith?
Because I made a deal with God
(yes, I have prgressed to fully-fledged insanity)
I made a deal, that if I trusted my entire life to a piece of rope; He owed me.
He owed me you.
We have to able to be friends again
Because I need you back, and God promised.

This is when I decided not to put this on bebo.
This is when I decided that you are my entire life.
This is when I decided, that I've stopped caring.
Stopped caring what my friends think.
Stopped caring what my parents think.
Stopped caring that my 'criminal' jacket actually tells the truth.
Stopped caring that I'm doing the wrong thing, that I always do the wrong this.

Because God owes me.
And all I want is you.

still 19-11-08 4pm

Changed my mind...I think.
I shouldn't want you that much.
It's unhealthy.
I'm sure there's heaps more things I could be focusing my attention on
But did i?? Oh no!

"Here Ebony, fall down this cliff"
"Oh sure, God, all I want is my best friend back"

That's just not right... and yet, it feels right.

How can something feel right and wrong at the same time?
More to the point, how can something BE right and wrong at the same time?
Or is it just wrong, and it only feels right because I want it so much.

20-11-08

OK, the way I see it I have two options

Option 1. - the RIGHT option, yes ebony, yes it is.
I stop talking to you altogther. i walk away, and i destroy us both
i know how hard it was for you to forget me, and i know how you held on
i know how easy it was for me to forget you, but you're just a better person than me, ok?
and i knew it would hurt you to lose me, beause, well, i saw how you were with 36636422
so what, i just do that to you again?

you are an amazing person. you are a perfect person, you do EVERYTHING right
you always do what is better for other people, and you always listen to adults, because well, you are one (okay, maybe i shouldnt remind myself of that fact)
so, do you truly deserve to be walked out on again?
i know you've had it tough in your life, and i wanted to be the only person to never fail you
but i did
and i regret it, can i live with hurting you again?

or am i just trying to talk myself out of this option so i can pick the wrong one?
but... i cant hurt you. not again.

Option 2. - the WRONG option, hear that? wrong! with capitals!
i ignore what everyone feels is the best thing for me
and i start talking to you again
i destroy my relationship with my mother, as well as the only bit of trust ive managed to build with her over the past year
i do what i want
with no regard for other people and their feelings
i let myself yself be your friend again
fully aware that i WILL fall in love with you again
and fully aware that that IS illegal.

21-11-08
i was happy again for a second this morning, but then i remembered last time i was happy
and i remembered that i hadnt figured out my situation with you yet
and i remebered that i didnt have a solution
and i said byebye to my happiness

i WANT to be happy again
sure, i know i dont deserve it!
but i want it, and i usually get what i want

sure, im selfcentered
i know, deep down, that i dont deserve happiness, because i am such an awful person
but i also know that you are perfect, and you DO deserve happiness
but do i only think that this will make you happy because it will make me happy?
and if not, do I have to choose between your happiness and everyone else's?
and so now, i sit here, typing away, not knowing which option to choose
just knowing that i cant hurt you again...
i cant hurt myself again...
i cant hurt my family again...

but also knowing that i will hurt ALL of them.

don't bother.

Everyday I check my email. Over and over and over again. I’m excited when I see I have emails, and then disappointed when they’re not from you. What was I expecting? For you to suddenly say – ‘you know what? You were right, I was wrong, I’m sorry’ – Or – ‘I lied to you, my bad, I’ve never done it before and I’ll never do it again’ – or – ‘maybe we do belong together’ – I sound so desperate, and so stupid, and everything’s just making it worse.

And yet, I feel I have to have a least a little bit of happiness in my blog, cuz after all; I’m doing better than yesterday, right?
So here is a quick overview of my thoughts from this morning.

Self actualisation…
Let’s break that down.

Physical/security needs
Tick and tick! How could I have a problem in this area??

Relationship needs
I have the ninja-est kick-ass friends in the world. My family are all a-okay! My class is getting closer, bonding a bit. My music/maths/IPT class are becoming more familiar, nd people are talking cross room instead of just to their group.

Self-esteem needs
Alas, the happiness of the blog has ended. Because, sure, my self-esteem was right on track, say, last week? But just go along with this hypothetical for a second: Okay, you know this person who never lies, like seriously. Ok, maybe the occasional ‘oh yeah, I’m fine’, but aside from that, Nada! They’re not afraid to hurt you, as long as you know the truth. And they tell you you are amazing. More than that, you’re not a mean person, you’re not a bad person, they tell you things that make you feel good. You believe them, you trust their honesty (OK, so you guys all know how this will end, but just bear with me). And then one day they tell you something that you KNOW isn’t true. It’s just flat out, indisputably a lie. And you discover, they’re just as good a bullshit artist as the next person. Suddenly you realize that everything was a lie, what now? Do you still go along with the idea that you’re a good person, or do you start to listen to the people who can easily identify your flaws? What if everything you believed as true is suddenly a pretence, and everything you treasures ma as well not have existed?

Guys, please don’t feel sorry for me, because I don’t need your sympathy. I’ve surpassed pain, and moved on to anger.
I know that this blog means very little to everyone who will read it. And it means everything to the one person I wish I had the guts to tell about it.
I’m sorry that I’m too much of a coward, and that you have to read through all these blogs I’m writing, simply because I need to vent. I should be writing about CAMP!!!! My birthday, a whole bunch of new, awesome blogs I’ve found. More 6-word memoirs. POST SECRET! I should be making this as fun as possible, or even just writing about my day at school.
But I have to write this somewhere.
I’ve been through this before, but I wrote everything in my diary. I’ve sort of given up on that aside from very small secrets.
I know none of this shit should be here, and if you start reading again, and it’s about ‘him’, you really can just go do something more productive (Have I mentioned 6 word memoirs??).

I’m sorry, but this has to be written, and has to be read. Because it is felt.

Empathy/I'm sorry.

Luke Moore.
Awesomely awesome main guy.
He’s intriguing.
Partly because he’s never defined, and partly because he is awesomely awesome.
Loosely based around every guy I’ve ever liked (included fictional characters), some more than others.
Physical description: Very similar to Elle. Short brown hair and soft brown eyes. Slightly above average height. Beautiful, but only if you look hard enough.
Emotional description: Very aware of surrounding people’s thoughts/feelings which highly influence him. Empathetic. But very closed. Finds it hard to express his feelings.
Social description: Has a best bud Hayden who’s pretty cool. They tell each other most everything, but mainly have heaps of fun together.

-----------------------------------------------------

6 words: I cry daily now. so pathetic. – cornn

Empathy.
My problem is empathy.
This is why I was so depressed whilst reading new moon. This is why I was all lovey dovey after reading breaking dawn. This why, when I was little, and I had lists of ‘reasons to stay alive’, one of the reasons was “Feeling happy, like after a movie” (because movies finish happy, and thus, I am happy). This is why I love being around people who are happy. This is why I felt all confessional last Thursday at drama J

Because I am empathetic. Because, whatever people around me are feeling, I feel it too. I feed off vibes. It’s what I do.
Like some of you peoples know (and some are about to find out), I am the most sensitive person in the world. EVERY SINGLE movie I watch, I cry. My claim to fame: I cried during Happy Feet. Even books. First book I cried in – Rainbow Fish. I was very happy that he was unselfish enough to share his scales. After that, books like Anne of Green Gables (when Matthew died), The Land Of Blue Mountains (when the dog gave up his heart for the little girl), the shitty Kitty book we read for English (all through parts 2 and 3, the book was boring! Still don’t know why I cried) and, of course, the Twilight Saga. I’m getting worse as I get older (did you hear about happy feat? The leopard seal was chasing the penguin, oh shiz!), I’ve started crying listening to songs, yes I am that sad.
So, all this time I’ve spent being overly sensitive, I’ve thought I was a freak. (OK, I’ve KNOWN I was a freak). But mum has always told me “Never be ashamed of being sensitive” (I know, I know, it sounds like “mummy says I’m special no matter what the other kids say”), and, until recently, I never have been.

But in the last few years, it has really become unbearable. I cry every ANZAC day, even before we see people marching, I think “wow, all these amazing people were willing to give up their lives, just for us” and snap, I’m bawling (yes, I am crying, after having written that).

I don’t want to be that person anymore. As much as I love being in touch with my emotions, it really makes life unbearable. Everytime I talk to someone who is upset, I feel it too. It does, occasionally, make me good at giving advice. I’m normally good at understanding two sides of a story, and I’m usually fair. (Unless one side is better for me, then I can be bias).

Lately I’m getting less empathetic and more sensitive. Things hurt me so much that other people’s problems, by comparison, are dulled. I feel like I’m not there for people, because I can’t understand them. I can’t understand why they make big deals out of little things.

Big(ish) things are going on with me right now. But big things are going on with other people too, I guess, I’m trying to say: I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for you, and I apologise in advance for how distracted I’ll be in the next few days until I figure out… well… everything.

I love my friends, especially the ones who read my blogs ;). You guys rock my socks! Just put up with me for a bit, okay? :)

08-11-08

OK, my story at the top of my blogs can only go so far before I actually give the characters names.
So, as of today, I am going to write character profiles for the main characters

Elle Scott (you have no idea it took me to come up with that name!)
Main character – story is told from her perspective.
Lives with mother (Rebecca), father (Andrew), younger sister (Chloe) and pet dog – Jack.
Loosely based around me - very, very loosely. As in, almost not even there, and yet, I bothered mentioning it, so there to some extent.
Physical description: Very, very average. Medium brown, shoulder length hair. Medium height. Brown eyes – very expressive. She’s nice looking, not overly gorgeous or anything, just, pleasant – it’s very humbling. (:L)
Emotional description: She knows what’s going on – intuitive, if you will. She finds herself easily hurt, but she can always figure out a way to fix it. She has a hot temper, hot in that it is harsh, but it takes a lot for her to lose it.
Social description: Has one main friend whom you will meet later as she doesn’t have a name yet. Socialises well with other people – but appreciates time spent alone.

Stay tuned for a desciption of Luke Moore.

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Part 1’s 6 words: Nothing more beautiful than broken, right? – coulda.been.a.comet

A lot of people around me have been broken lately.
And a lot of people in my life have broken others.
I guess, I’m just sick of it.

I don’t understand why people can’t just get along, why everything is complex.
I don’t understand why people blame themselves for things they didn’t do.
I don’t understand why people can’t talk it out, and fix it.
I don’t understand why people assume things of others without checking if it’s true.

Why do people think they know better? They don’t!
“You don’t understand cuz you’re not me”
Yeah, but I’ve been you. I know you think that I’m stupid and I don’t understand anything, but I’ve seen it all.
I’ve seen friends drift apart because of boys, exam marks, parents, and other friends. I’ve seen people fight because of misunderstandings, and I’ve seen people in pain over things they’ve imagined.

I don’t like seeing people hurt so much, but they won’t talk to me about it. I try so hard to let them know I’m here, but I feel if I bring it up, I’m prying.

I wish people could just be friends. I wish I could go back to kindergarten, where sharing crayons made you lifelong pals. I wish a smile could fix a friendship. I wish memories actually meant something, and that people actually remembered. I wish everything was different…

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 2’s 6 words: Everything reminds me of you, always. – Esalamy

I don’t want you guys (readers)to know who this is about, but I need to get this out. So try not to figure it out. Read if you wish, but speak of it to no one. =)

I thought… it would stop hurting. I thought that moving on would mean something. I thought time could heal all wounds. But… I wasn’t ready to move on.
I fought myself to forget you, I tried so hard to pretend you meant nothing.

You were my life. Truly. My everything. When you lose your everything, what is left? Nothingness.
And amidst my nothingness, I found a something. Then I convinced myself that something could be an everything. I tried so hard to make that something an everything, and I succumbed to my wishes.

By when I lost my something, it was only an echo of what I felt when I lost you.

It made me realise how powerful we were.
I finally felt like me when I was with you.
You were wonderful enough to love my perks, and stupid enough to love my quirks.
Every part of my being loved you, wholly and passionately.

I still miss what we were, and what we could have been. I’ve been thinking so much more about us lately. I’ve finally gotten over you, and I’m letting myself miss you. Miss everything you were to me.

So I’m not still in love with you, and I don’t still wish you were mine. Everything I see reminds me of you, but I’m finally okay with that.

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Part 3’s 6 words: Stephenie Meyer has improved my vocabulary. – Ebony =)

Okay, so after reading the Twilight series (several times), I have realized something.

My vocabulary is shit!!

Seriously, half the words she used, I couldn’t even pronounce! My sister read the books along with her dictionary, but I refused to sink to such levels!! So, half the books made so sense (:L).

Anywho…
I have decided that, my vocabulary being shit and all, I will learn new words!!
You know, all those words in the dictionary that no one uses, but they make you feel smart that you know what they mean.
Yeah, them, I’m gonna start learning what they all mean.

Today’s smarticle word: mendacious

Oh, but Ebony, what does this word mean? And why the hell do you care??

This word means: Telling lies, especially habitually; dishonest, lying, untruthful.
I care because: …I can’t remember where, but I saw it somewhere and I thought, crap, I wonder what that means. =)

So, in the future, maybe we shall all become more smarticle

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Part 4’s 6 words: We Write Because We Have To. – LoveMeEasy

And JUST IN CASE you’re really bored, and have read the whole blog and are searching for more.
There is this really pretty 6 word memoir written by ‘kiwi’.
YEAH! GO THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!!

Anyway, it really touched me, as did ALLL of the associated comments.
Here’s the link.

And I’m not even gonna tell you what it is! Cuz I want you to click the link! Click it! Click it!!
My blog is over!! So go and see the 6 words that made my day back on October 16.
LEAVE!!!(and click the link).

I'd Lie - Taylor Swift

You were like, gone, all last week
Your sister: My brother is really really sick

Thanks, that wasn't at all unsettling
Considering you'd been away for most the week, and when you came back on Wednesday, it was only for HALF THE DAY! bludger.
And then ur mummy picked you up. lucky...

i sorta just want to know if you're ok
I miss you, and I'm worried about you.
Which sounds stupid, but is true.

Stil away today... still miss you...

Please... just come back, and look OK. Not like last week. Look healthy again.


I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his favorite songs
And..

[chorus:]
I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie

He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn’t a light go on?
Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?
He sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine

[chorus]

He stands there then walks away
My god if I could only say
I’m holding every breath for you...

He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My god he’s beautiful
So I put on my make up
And pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue oh and it kills me
His sister's beautiful he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him
If you asked me if I love him
I’d lie

Intoxicating

Ok, so, you were away today, yes, I noticed. But it’s the only day out of this week and next that you don’t have exams, so you are forgiven.

I only realised today, that I see you EVERYDAY. I mean like, sure, on the train, but this week, you haven’t caught my train ( =( ) because of your stupid foot. But still I’ve seen you everyday. You haven’t even had lunch and recess at the same time as the rest of the school, but still, I’ve seen you everyday. I’m starting to feel a bit like a stalker.

Like, I see you walk into school, cuz in the mornings I sit near the gate. I see you at random times when you decide to SIT AT MY TABLE!!!!

Amy: *walking up to table, ROFLING*
Me: “It is so not funny! So BEYOND funny!!”
Amy: *still laughing*

So I walked away, I was the only one there anyway, (out of my group), so I usually walk away, I just walked away especially quickly.

Shailin: “Why didn’t you talk to him?”
Me: *thinks really hard*…. “Because, it hurts me, he makes me feel bad about myself”
Shai: “So WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM??”
Me: *thinks again, still really hard* “Because he’s really nice to everyone else”

And thus it stands.

It still hurts me, a lot, to talk to you.
I am “intoxicated by your presence”.
You still don’t care that you hurt me.
You are taking Bianca to her prom. (Just thought I’d throw that in there, so irrelevant)
It scares me slightly to be around you, but also, I love that thrill, so I cannot stay away
You make my heart act in weird and wonderful ways; it has been know to stop around you.
I don’t like that you got hurt, I really don’t. I looked up, saw you, and thought “Not him”. But you’ve hurt me so much, that I try so hard to make it about me.

I should explain that more:

Afterwards, after I’d looked down again, I tried to think of a reason why this would be good for me. You’d hurt yourself, and that hurt me, I needed some sort of… consolation prize. Whilst my primary fear was for you, I try so hard to hurt myself less, and so, my instinct was to be glad that you’d hurt yourself. To make us balance, equal.

Oh and one last thing, Monday! I didn’t MEAN it like that. It’s just that, when you come up in conversation (as you so often seem to, whether with my sister or even Christina), I keep you there, when people start to stray, I bring the conversation back to you, it gives me an excuse to think of you. So whilst it may have seen mean, it was merely a way of stopping their minds from deviating for a few seconds longer.

…

I can’t pick a song. I’m trying, I’d Lie comes to mind, but even since my sister told me it reminds her of Twilight, I’ve been reluctant to think of it in association with you. It’s just, one of those things.

…

Oh well, here, have two lines:

“Wouldn’t it be nice to leave it open-ended, and pretend it could go either way?”

Can't Lose What You Never Had - Westlife

Ok, so I haven’t blogged about you in a while, again.
I know, I keep doing that, but it’s probably because things never seem to change with you.
Today: First day back this term.
You weren’t on the train.
After P2: I see you walking past with your friends, on crutches; you’d hurt your foot.
First thought: Ouch! Poor thing.
Second thought: Jeez, about time he hurt someone other than me.

See, my liking you comes before my hating you. I don’t like that. I don’t want to care about you, just like you don’t care about me.

Our only conversation today (so far):
You: “HI EBONY!!”
Me: *looks up* “HI!” *looks down again*
You: “I don’t like you.”
Me: *walks away*

Come on! Who just throws that into conversation? I KNOW!! I know you hate me, okay? I don’t the need the not-so-friendly reminder.

All day, I’ve been really quiet, yes! Me! Quiet.

Amy: “We came first in state for Wakakirri!!!”
Me: *distantly* “Cool…”

Seriously, normally, I would be like, jumping sky high about stuff like that. Not today! Today, you told me that you “don’t like” me. And not even because it came up, but because you thought I should know that.

I DO! You think I make up this crap??

Me & Shailin today

Shai: “So tell me about your boy troubles”
Me: “Well…”
Shai: “Wait is it about…?” *tilts head*
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “Continue”
Me: “He hates me”
Shai: “Really?”
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “How do you know?”
Me: “He said so”
Shai: “As in a joke?”
Me: “Nope”
Shai: “Why does he hate you?”
Me: “No idea”
Shai: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah”

That sorta got me thinking… why do you hate me?
I mean sure, I’m not the nicest person in the world, I get that, but I’m not exactly the worst either. I’m okay, once you get to know me. I have my flaws, but nothing that bad.

I don’t get it.

But thankyou for hurting yourself.


Baby you're so beautiful,
and when i'm near you,
i can't breathe,(i can't breathe)
A guy like you gets what you want,when you want it,
You're so out of my league,
I show you no emotion,
Don't let you see, what you're doin' to me
I imagine the two of us together,
but i've been living in reality,

Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
But time is running out,
so damn my foolish pride,

I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad,
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,

Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,

Rules are made for breaking,
Nothing ventured nothing gained,
I'll be no worse off than i am right now,
and i might never get that chance again,baby,

Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
Told my heart i didn't want you,
but i lied,

I don't care if you think i'm crazy,
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,

Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,

Here on the outside looking in,
Don't wanna stay dreaming bout,
what could have been,
Need to hear you speak my name,
even if you shoot me down in flames,

I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,

Now i'm gonna confess that i love you
I've been keepin it inside,
feelin i could die
But if you turn away, baby that's okay
At least we have a moment before you say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had

Have You Ever - Westlife

that last blog, whoa,
it went on forever, and it was so...raw.

i mean like thinking all of that stuff, was a real eyeopener, writing it all down made me feel free, but pressing the little "publish post" button, that made me feel so... exposed.
its like, the entire world can now view my inner thoughts at leisure, just like mind reading, but more honest, and it hurts, a little more, everytime a piece of me is taken away, everytime someone reads it.

i knew it would hurt. it always hurts, to know that someone will only ever be your friend, nothing more, nothing less 'let's just be friends' apart from 'we need to talk' those are probably the most awful 4 words a girl can hear.
but i could survive all of that, its the whole not-even-wanting-to-be-my-friend thing that hurts, because you dont, you truly want nothing to do with me.
people always say 'the worst thing in the world is sitting right next to him, and knowing that he'll never be yours' but have those people ever had to look at him, a hundred metres away, knowing that he'd never, in a million years, want to sit right next to you?

but you still, care, you still try.
because, although you're 99% sure he'll never ever take a second glance at you, it's that 1% of you that holds on, that 1% of you that wins, and you spend everyday walking past him with your friends, not because you enjoy hearing him tease and torment you, not because you like the way he annoys you, and laughs at you. but because, for 10 seconds, you get to hear his voice.
his deep, soft, beautiful voice, that makes you feel weak and strong at the same time; vulnerable, yet, protected, safe. it makes you feel sky high, but at the same time, so low, it makes you start to smile, but still, feel like crying.
it's the voice that makes your breathing get heavier, your head start to spin, and your heart start beating fatser and fatster. it makes you feel singing and laughing, but also, sometimes, just screaming!
and at night, when you're thinking about him, its the voice that you feel ringing in you ears.
and after everything that's happened, everything you've been through for him, you blame that voice, because without it, you would have never fallen for him without it. and you'd never be in this mess

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?
Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything
To make them understand?
Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away?
You'd give anything
To make them feel the same?
Have you ever searched for words
To get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start?

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?
Have you ever?

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life?
You'd do just about anything T
o look into their eyes?

Have you finally found the one
You've given your heart to
Only to find that one
Won't give their heart to you?
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there?
And all you can do is wait
For that day when they will care?

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?
Have you ever?

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby?
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand
How I need you next to me?
Gotta get you in my world
'Cause, baby, I can't sleep

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?
Have you ever?
Have you ever?

Have you ever?

Hear Without A Home - Westlife/Nick Carter

i havent blogged about you in forever

you see everything else in my life is going awesome

and you? not so much

everything else falls into place, except for you

and i dont want my whole life to revolve around you

im so over all of that

guys are just "the icing"

ur not supposed to mean so much to me

so i havent blogged about you

ive made an effort not to

my blogspot was a happy, friendly place

people smiled, and reminisced

thats how it should be, i dont want it all about you

i dont want you to mean that much to me

but you do, you mean the world to me

and thats not so bad, i guess

its just sort of annoying

especially since you hate me so much

which i dont get by the way

why do you hate me??

im not that bad a person

im alright once you get to know me

which you dont!!

with you, i dont deserve a second chance,

i deserve a first one

cuz you never gave me that

you never gave me a chance

maybe im not actually as bad as you think

maybe im a good person

did you ever think of that??

you know, i was walking to the station this morning,

and i was thinking about how, every song i knowit relates to someone in my life

each person has one or two songs ill hear, and think of them

but you, every song i hear relates to you

and I KNOW, im doing it again

im being all cheesy and uggh

but, i need you to get this!

i think, when i started to like you, i made the decision

well, you hated me, and i was scared of that

i didnt want someone to hate me, so i gave you a reason

i gave myself a 'woe is me'

i think i made this conscious decision to like you

so i tried to get to know you better, it was logical, right?

i hardly knew you, you hated me

that scared me, that made me feel bad about myself

i thought, maybe if i figured you out

id understand why you hated me

i did, i started paying attention to you

i noticed that, deep down, you're nice!

when someone's standing or sitting on the floor, you give them your seat

or the year 7s with squad, you carry their suitcases down stairs

you're a really nice person, to everyone except me!

so, deciding to like you made me start to like you

and i know, this whole thing sounds stupid

but i just want you to understand this

i want you to understand that i love who you are

who you are around everyone else in the world

do you know how nice you are to perfect strangers??

and yet, with me, youve never cared

and i really want you to care!

i want you to give a damn about me!

i want you to know me, for who i am

and maybe, youd actually like me

im gonna go now

because there are about a million things i could be doing that are a lot more important than writing this...

i just wanted you to get it...

I love to watch you

You're like candy to my eyes

Like a movie that you've seen

But you gotta watch just one more time

But that smile you're wearing

It's a beautiful disguise

It's just something you put on

To hide the emptiness inside

And you seem so lonely

But you don't have to anymore...

If you're a heart without a home

A rebel without a cause

If you feel as though

You're always stranded on the shore

Like a thief in the night

Let me steal your heart away

Baby if a reason’s, what you're looking for

I'll be yours

I'll be yours

You need a new sensation

One you never had before

I got a feeling if I gave you some

You'd probably want some more

Did you know that baby

You're the bluebird in my sky

I only wanna make you happy cause

I love to see you fly

And if you feel lonely

You don't have to anymore

If you're a heart without a home
A rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You're always stranded on the shore

Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
Baby if a reason’s, what you're looking for
I'll be yours
I'll be yours

I'll be the raft in the tide

I'll be yours

I'll be the truth in the light

And what's more

When no one opens the door

I'll be the hope that you're looking for

If you're a heart without a home
A rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You're always stranded on the shore

Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
Baby if a reason’s, what you're looking for
I'll be yours

I'll be yours...

FNT - Semisonic

ok, ur really starting to confuse me, i mean like, i finally figured out why you keep talking to me, cuz it reminds you of her, yeah? yeah. but thats cool, i enjoy hearing your voice so thats all ok.
what i dont get is why you've started talking to me about random stuff, like, youll put in an effort to tell me useless stuff about your day that in some weird random way relates to me, i dont geddit, why? but i mean like, im not complaining, i love it when you talk to me...
they say that when you love someone, you like it when they same your name, cuz ur name feels safe in their mouth. i dont think i love you, but i understand what they're talking about. my name is safe in your mouth and i like that safe feeling

so i went really close to telling nikki about you on monday, like, really close, i seriously considered it, if shed aske'd me who i was talking about, i would have said you. but she didnt ask, well, she sorta did, but not straight out, and i didnt wanna tell her if she didnt wanna know.

so, as always, i must end with a song, its tradition, i cant just break it cuz i cant find the perfect song today, right? so i considered writing another remix, but thtat's cheating, besides, i did that on staurday, i cant cheat twice. so ive picked a song that my sister got me interested in, now im starting to really like it, and it reminds me more and more of you everyday. except for one thing, the song says you're perfect, and your not, you're flawed. very flawed. i love your flaws. maybe that means i still see you as perfect, i dunno, i just wanted to clear that up, so here we go...F.N.T.(yes, it stands for fascinating new thing)

Fascinating new thing
You delight me, and I know you're speaking of me
Fascinating new thing
Get beside me, I want you to love me

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely
And you're perfect
And that somebody wants you

Fascinating new thing
The scene makin', want a temporary saviour
Fascinating new thing
Don't betray them by becoming familiar

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely
And you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless
Yeah, you're precious
Even when you are not new

I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're lovely
And you're perfect
And that somebody wants you
I'm surprised that you've never been told before
That you're priceless
Yeah, you're holy
Even when you are not new

Anna Nalick Remix

Wow, you were really super depressed yesterday, it was really weird.
It made me realise that, we really aren’t friends. Cuz for a while there I thought we were, but I guess not. I mean like, I don’t think I really care that much, I just, I dunno…
I just thought that the fact that we talk to each other everyday meant that we didn’t hate each other anymore. Clearly, you still hate me, and still expect me to hate you. That’s ok though, I can go on pretending, ignoring every single thing you say, only smiling reluctantly when you tell one of your jokes, trying to ignore the fact that you haven’t smiled all day.
Cuz I did, I ignored it, I was ok with that. It was just the trying not to smile when you did, that I had trouble with. I mean like, I’ve never appreciated them that much, your friends I mean. Like, I always thought you could do better, they’re so annoying…
But, hey, they can make you smile, right? So I guess they’re worth every single second you spend with them. And when you smile, I smile. Although it was that awful smile, the i-dont-want-to-smile-right-now-because-i-dont-want-people-to-know-what-just-happened-but-i-cant-help-it smile. But still, a smile is a smile.

Ok, umm, I wanted to make an Anna Nalick remix, so I just threw together all the parts of her songs that reminded me of you, and came up with something that almost makes sense… here it is


2AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to

Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like she’s so tough
She says"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay

I’d cheat destiny just to be near you.

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him.
Maybe I'll just sing about it.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

Cuz love doesn’t hurt so I know I’m not falling in love
I’m just falling to pieces

Meanwhile I'll hide my head
Here in this paper bag
Cause if I cant see you
Then you can't see me
And it'll be okay