I'm Back!

You want you 6 words and you KNOW it
Lying on rooftops, contemplating the world - redteacup

ok, im back.
after my lovely CAMP!! and my birthday, i am back.
i have a few things lined up to blog about over the next few days
e.g
1. Best Frieds :)
2. My Final Goodbye
3. Friends @ camp.
4. My Birthday
5. Australian Idol
...etc

BUT for the next few days ill be really busy what with going out for dinner, spanish school, staying the weekend w/ my aunty and my birthday lunch with family
so i shall maybe autopost a little bit of this stuff in advance, like, say, today?

ok, blog numero uno ~ Best Friends :)

19-11-08 11am

Now that's just not right.
You shouldn't be my life ANYMORE.
And I don't even mean in a romantic way, I mean, my whole life shouldn't be about us being friends.
Because it is!

You know why I took that leap of faith?
Because I made a deal with God
(yes, I have prgressed to fully-fledged insanity)
I made a deal, that if I trusted my entire life to a piece of rope; He owed me.
He owed me you.
We have to able to be friends again
Because I need you back, and God promised.

This is when I decided not to put this on bebo.
This is when I decided that you are my entire life.
This is when I decided, that I've stopped caring.
Stopped caring what my friends think.
Stopped caring what my parents think.
Stopped caring that my 'criminal' jacket actually tells the truth.
Stopped caring that I'm doing the wrong thing, that I always do the wrong this.

Because God owes me.
And all I want is you.

still 19-11-08 4pm

Changed my mind...I think.
I shouldn't want you that much.
It's unhealthy.
I'm sure there's heaps more things I could be focusing my attention on
But did i?? Oh no!

"Here Ebony, fall down this cliff"
"Oh sure, God, all I want is my best friend back"

That's just not right... and yet, it feels right.

How can something feel right and wrong at the same time?
More to the point, how can something BE right and wrong at the same time?
Or is it just wrong, and it only feels right because I want it so much.

20-11-08

OK, the way I see it I have two options

Option 1. - the RIGHT option, yes ebony, yes it is.
I stop talking to you altogther. i walk away, and i destroy us both
i know how hard it was for you to forget me, and i know how you held on
i know how easy it was for me to forget you, but you're just a better person than me, ok?
and i knew it would hurt you to lose me, beause, well, i saw how you were with 36636422
so what, i just do that to you again?

you are an amazing person. you are a perfect person, you do EVERYTHING right
you always do what is better for other people, and you always listen to adults, because well, you are one (okay, maybe i shouldnt remind myself of that fact)
so, do you truly deserve to be walked out on again?
i know you've had it tough in your life, and i wanted to be the only person to never fail you
but i did
and i regret it, can i live with hurting you again?

or am i just trying to talk myself out of this option so i can pick the wrong one?
but... i cant hurt you. not again.

Option 2. - the WRONG option, hear that? wrong! with capitals!
i ignore what everyone feels is the best thing for me
and i start talking to you again
i destroy my relationship with my mother, as well as the only bit of trust ive managed to build with her over the past year
i do what i want
with no regard for other people and their feelings
i let myself yself be your friend again
fully aware that i WILL fall in love with you again
and fully aware that that IS illegal.

21-11-08
i was happy again for a second this morning, but then i remembered last time i was happy
and i remembered that i hadnt figured out my situation with you yet
and i remebered that i didnt have a solution
and i said byebye to my happiness

i WANT to be happy again
sure, i know i dont deserve it!
but i want it, and i usually get what i want

sure, im selfcentered
i know, deep down, that i dont deserve happiness, because i am such an awful person
but i also know that you are perfect, and you DO deserve happiness
but do i only think that this will make you happy because it will make me happy?
and if not, do I have to choose between your happiness and everyone else's?
and so now, i sit here, typing away, not knowing which option to choose
just knowing that i cant hurt you again...
i cant hurt myself again...
i cant hurt my family again...

but also knowing that i will hurt ALL of them.