Capable

Confession #12: Sometimes, I think they're all right. The best option might be to lie.

"Where are you? You’ve seemed a little distant lately. Like you’ve got something to hide. You can tell me. I won’t be mad."

"I can't see the big picture." - coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.

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The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.

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I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?

Awesomeness.

I'm back from my trip to Orange.
If anyone cares.
Wait, what's that? You don't? I think I might tell you anyway so :P.
Anyways, it was pretty cool, they have nice coffee and i visited (the graves of) my great-great-great-grandparents (2 sets) and introduced myself. I'm sure they'd like me if they met me.
But being a cemetary it was kinda creepy being there and seeing all these lives that once were. And animals kept moving and making noises and it FREAKED THE CRAP OUTTA ME.
But yeah, I met relatives. Yippee.

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Oh, and by the way, you must go and check out this awesomelyful blog (it's about time I introduced you guys to a website). There was a really nice post a few days ago, so I'll link you to that. *searches*
To be inspired by awesomeness, please click on me.

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And now, I rant.
Please ignore the remainder of this blog.

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It's just gotten to the point where I get hurt everytime I talk to you.
I don't really get why.
I feel like we've hit a wall.
And in order to go through it. I have to get over myself.
And that's just gonna take a little time.

See, I still have this idea that everything in my life is supposed to turn out all sugarcoated and sunshiney. And that people aren't supposed to get hurt, because that's not the way it works. I think I have to get around that idea before I can be satisfied with anything in my life.

Until then, you can just hurt me.

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I want you to know that I cried myself to sleep everynight this weekend because of you.
Because you don't understand me and I'm starting to doubt if you ever will.
I don't mean half the things I say, you know.
I'm just so confused right now, and I thought that you could understand that.
But you don't.
You never do.
And I'm not going to explain it to you.
Yes, I'm embarrassed by myself.
Shit happens.

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I'm sorry I've been a complete arsehole lately.
I've actually been an arsehole mainly to you, and I'm sorry about that.
I know you don't deserve it. No one does.
And I'm trying to figure out a way to make it up to you.
But I can't think of anything.
I'll try and work it out though.

Sorry

And I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

And I'm pretty sure I don't deserve for you to believe me when I say that, or else I'd be an awful hypocrite. And I don't know how to prove it to you either. But I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not believing you.
I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel.
I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry for making you feel like you upset me.
I'm sorry for confusing you.
I'm sorry for not sharing my problems.
I'm sorry for complaining about things that don't even matter.
I'm sorry for never explaining myself.
I'm sorry for hurting you.

I just... really miss you.
I'm sorry.