Intoxicating

Ok, so, you were away today, yes, I noticed. But it’s the only day out of this week and next that you don’t have exams, so you are forgiven.

I only realised today, that I see you EVERYDAY. I mean like, sure, on the train, but this week, you haven’t caught my train ( =( ) because of your stupid foot. But still I’ve seen you everyday. You haven’t even had lunch and recess at the same time as the rest of the school, but still, I’ve seen you everyday. I’m starting to feel a bit like a stalker.

Like, I see you walk into school, cuz in the mornings I sit near the gate. I see you at random times when you decide to SIT AT MY TABLE!!!!

Amy: *walking up to table, ROFLING*
Me: “It is so not funny! So BEYOND funny!!”
Amy: *still laughing*

So I walked away, I was the only one there anyway, (out of my group), so I usually walk away, I just walked away especially quickly.

Shailin: “Why didn’t you talk to him?”
Me: *thinks really hard*…. “Because, it hurts me, he makes me feel bad about myself”
Shai: “So WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM??”
Me: *thinks again, still really hard* “Because he’s really nice to everyone else”

And thus it stands.

It still hurts me, a lot, to talk to you.
I am “intoxicated by your presence”.
You still don’t care that you hurt me.
You are taking Bianca to her prom. (Just thought I’d throw that in there, so irrelevant)
It scares me slightly to be around you, but also, I love that thrill, so I cannot stay away
You make my heart act in weird and wonderful ways; it has been know to stop around you.
I don’t like that you got hurt, I really don’t. I looked up, saw you, and thought “Not him”. But you’ve hurt me so much, that I try so hard to make it about me.

I should explain that more:

Afterwards, after I’d looked down again, I tried to think of a reason why this would be good for me. You’d hurt yourself, and that hurt me, I needed some sort of… consolation prize. Whilst my primary fear was for you, I try so hard to hurt myself less, and so, my instinct was to be glad that you’d hurt yourself. To make us balance, equal.

Oh and one last thing, Monday! I didn’t MEAN it like that. It’s just that, when you come up in conversation (as you so often seem to, whether with my sister or even Christina), I keep you there, when people start to stray, I bring the conversation back to you, it gives me an excuse to think of you. So whilst it may have seen mean, it was merely a way of stopping their minds from deviating for a few seconds longer.

…

I can’t pick a song. I’m trying, I’d Lie comes to mind, but even since my sister told me it reminds her of Twilight, I’ve been reluctant to think of it in association with you. It’s just, one of those things.

…

Oh well, here, have two lines:

“Wouldn’t it be nice to leave it open-ended, and pretend it could go either way?”