The Journery

I'm sort of a little bit excited about the next chapter of my life.
And I don't even just mean the next few months (although that will be totally awesome too). But the next four years, and whatever happens after that.
I'm excited to be an Adult and to go to uni and take control of my life. I'm excited to go places and do things and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm excited to make decisions about what I want for the future, and choose a path that will take me to it.
Happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey, and I think I'm on my way there.

---

So the HSC is over and I have my life back (back? Implying I ever had one? Stretching the truth just a little there). And, I turned 18, and now I have opportunities. I have a new laptop which is yet to be named (although I'm steering towards Sam) and the world is sitting at my feet asking me what I want to do. It's freeing and empowering at the same time.
...I feel good xD

---

Exams were good, exam stress was bad. But overall, I'm happy with how I did, and I happily await my results in December too long away. Sorry for neglecting you so much, my dear blog (trust me, I neglected others too), I'll try to be around a little more now.

DFTBA.

But you'll never be more wanted

And it's nice, you know? Talking to you is just nice. Every conversation feels like it should have a backing track with grand music and violins. I look at our messages to each other and just sit here smiling. This is comfortable and beautiful for the first time in a long time.

The awkward moment when you trial hsc takes away all of your spare time and you feel all your friendships crumbly away.
I feel so distanced from everyone in my life at the moment. I'm really glad I have some time off now to just chill, I really need it. Our whole grade needs it I guess. We haven't taken a break in like, a year. It feels good to destress.

At least tonight,

It's just you and me and honestly

That's everything I need


I'm sorry I let you down. He's right. I should just admit that nI stuffed up and buy you some flowers or something. Is it my stubbornness that stops me from doing that? Or is it a deeper resentment towards you that you can't accept me for who I am, you can't you like me like this. You want me to change.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to change for you. I don't want to be ashamed of myself simply because I didn't turn out the way you want me to. This is who I am. Which is as much to do with you as it with me. It's too late for you to want me to be anything else. The only thing that can change me now, is me.


He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you


My computer, Ella, crashed so I'm on mum's laptop now which means I have no pictures. Many words, many songs, but no pictures. I did back Ella up, but I'm not sure where the external hardrive ended up in the move. Eventually, I will sort my life out, I promise. Until then... have a song.


Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm

Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?

You tell me you have to go...

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?

Don't tell me you have to go...

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Ya da... ya da... ya da

To sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back
Winter is coming and I need to stay warm

The heat.....

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

The happy life

Ok, so yeah, I got facebook. Whatever. Not a big deal. I haven't been morally opposed to it for over a year now or anything. It's all cool.

So I have trials in less than a week. And I don't know anything. Which is a discovery I have made quite recently. In fact, I mainly don't know anything about physics. Which is really quite worrying. But whatever, life happens, you know?



So I will bid you adieu and continue to study.
I just wanted to reassure everyone that I haven't yet killed myself from the stress of year12 (but I make no guarantees for the future).



I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Just one look

Half yearlys start tomorrow, so clearly the logical thing for me to be doing right now is blogging. But, I am actually quite good at having things done on time, we leaves me way too much time to procrastinate later. I'm always overly prepared for exams and end up spending the whole week reading or playing Sims or something. I'm going to try and avoid that this year.
I'm sort of excited for exams, I like seeing how much I know, but at the same time I'm scared that I'm actually a lot stupider than I realise and I'm going to do crap at everything.
Oh well, life goes on, right?



One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night
One of these days
Gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson alright


Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it ?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn'tit?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mis-trust



"And if you knew just how I felt, you could kill me, with just one look."

And that scares me more than anything else in the world.

Cynic

Sort of can't figure out what I'm living for. In the worst sort of way.
I know that I have been through crap in the past. The world is not ending. I am okay. But I feel uncontrollable sadness.
I want so much to be friends with my mum.
And when I say friends, I mean it.
I don't think, I actually need her as a maternal figure.
I don't think I need that.
She cries and tells me that I don't need her anymore.
And I feel guilty and I cry and I hug her and I tell her that of course I need her.
But I question it; I question myself, I question her
Perhaps, I don't need her as such.
Perhaps, I could live without her?


And she goes on all the time about how I should spend time with her because she's my family but I don't even have a fucking family anymore



And then Nikki lies on my bed as she so often does at night,
And she cries in a way I was not sure she was capable of.
Because, she has so much sadness in her.
And I have so little.
And she needs me so much.
And she doesn't think I need her as much.

So I feel like I don't need anyone.
But I feel so lonely sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing in my life.
And I want them back. =S
I'm starting to think that maybe it's me



So, yeah, moving on to more procrastination... I wrote a short story today that I actually like (I've written 6 or 7 by now and they all suck, so me liking it is quite an achievement)

If you can bothered reading about a cynical girl and a homeless boy, this is their story:
Ellis was annoyed, tired and stressed as she began her journey home from the train station, equipped with her heavy bag and oversized blazer that her Nazi school made her wear. She walked down the side of the car park and glanced at the rows of cars that had as little variation in colour as their owners did in personality. She snorted as she saw identical businessmen race to their cars as if getting home thirty seconds earlier would save their lives. Perhaps she was a cynic, for she saw little beauty in the world or its occupants and had no desire to change this view.

As she scanned across the cars, something caught her eye that was out of the ordinary. A young boy, around her age, was scrubbing his feet with a bar of soap and the tap against the car park wall. As she stared at him, he looked up and caught her eye for a glimpse of a second before she quickly averted her gaze and pretended to be looking at the trees. She turned down the narrow path that took her home and sighed with the impatience of a teenager who was not yet old enough to drive. “Excuse me” she heard and the barefoot boy ran in front of her, carrying his soap bar and scrubbing brush in a small plastic bag. As soon as he was a few paces ahead of, he slowed to her speed, “sorry” he added, as if running around her had inconvenienced her in some way. “Well, not really” he grumbled as he quickened his pace.

Ellis saw ahead a small tent with a blanket poking out that had never been there before, and considered the possibility that this was his destination. “You don’t have to be,” she called from behind him, “sorry, I mean”. He turned around and smiled at her,
“Society dictates that I must” he replied with unusual sophistication for someone who had washed their feet at a train station car park, and continued walking towards the tent.
“Yeah, well, I never listen much to what society dictates” she muttered as the curious boy took a quick step into the tent, and returned without his soap or brush.
“I’m Ellis” she said and held out her hand which he took in his.
“As in, L-S?” he asked grinning.
“Something like that”, she smiled.
“I’m Jay” he released her hand and she felt something that vaguely resembled disappointment.
“As in, J?” she asked, mimicking his previous grin
“As in, it was all my ma got out before she died” his smile did not fade, and Ellis wondered if his lack of concern for his mother’s death was genuine or just a pretence, “It could’ve been Jason, or Jayden, or Jamie; but all she managed was ‘Jay’, so here I stand”
“So I guess I’m beating you by a whole letter” she joked
“And, judging by that blazer, about 3000 classes of society” he added, raising his eyebrows
“I thought I’d already mentioned how little I cared for society” and she sat down next to the tent and gestured for him to join her

It was remarkable, thought Ellis, that she could spend all day with people she’d known for her entire life, and yet not feel connected to them in the same way that she did here with this perfect stranger. Remarkable, too, that his life interested her more than any class at school. At school, she learnt about all the different people in the world, but never thought about who they were, what their stories were

“Do you have a home?” she asked, a little more seriously.
“Of course I do,” Jay grinned again “it’s right here” and he placed his hand against his heart, “we’ve all got some sort of home, don’t we?”
“I suppose” she replied, wondering whether the four walls that surrounded her for most of her life could be considered a ‘home’.

The pair sat on the grass outside the tent for many hours, talking about the world and how horribly depressing the both found it. Ellis noticed a sparkle in Jay’s soft blue eyes as he spoke, that she’d never seen in anyone else. She wondered, only for a moment, what her mum would think of her sitting near a car park talking to a homeless boy, and the thought brought a mischievous smile to her face. Eventually, the sun began to set and she decided to make her way home to put a dent in the piles of homework she’d been given that day.


As she walked up her garden path for the seventy-fourth time that year, she noticed what she had never before seen. The four walls that she had been thinking of mere hours ago as not resembling a home, now appealed to her in new light. She had a home, which was more than she could say for Jay. She had a family too, and as annoying and selfish and heartless they could be, they were alive and they loved her. Her keys made a familiar jingle as they turned in the lock and she stepped inside with the realisation that, for the first time in a long time, she was home.

Granted

Ok, so it has been sort of a while since I last blogged, because, well, I'm not sure if you remember, but I have this little quiz at the end of the year that I have to study for every now and then. So yeah, the lack of bloggage (and well, let's face it, friends) has meant that I have been doing relatively well in school of late. Also, I'm becoming best friends with like, all of my teachers, in an almost creepy way (I'm apparently on a first name basis with Ms Schultz?)

And what with my life experiences and never actually fitting in with anyone, least of all my family, I have been able to write an almost kick ass short story about belonging, which is, well, yeah, pretty kick ass. It's weird that everytime I tell my life story, there's always one thing that I have to mention; one person I think about an awful lot. I don't think I'm supposed to think about you this much, I doubt you consider me such a large part of your life, but you made me who I am, you see, and you are the main part of my life story.

"If someone told me I could have it all back
No more writing or reflecting or thinking on what could be
I’d tell that person they don’t know me at all
Cos you made me who I am and they don’t get how much you mean to me" - Alex Day

I feel like listening to music and just being happy right now. Because, sometimes, life is just beautiful, and it's important to remember that. "You notice someone cutting you off in traffic. But not that the earth is still here for one more day."
Miraculously, the Earth is still here, and I am still here, and you are still here. And we are still here. Together.

I'm sorry I took our time together for granted.

I'm still alive

Right, so, long time no post, and a lot has happened in that time.
I guess the big thing is that Victor and I broke up. Which is why my blog has been renamed "Ebony is cool". I am okay. I do not need a hug or chocolate (although both will be accepted if offered)
I've also had a physics, legal, modern, chem and english task. (Thankyou maths :L) And I did pretty well in all of them. =) The worst was probably modern which is good because I want to drop it :L, and the best is chem, which is sort of ironic.
I've worked a lot which is oh so inconvenient most of the time, but it gives me money. Which I just throw away by ACCIDENTALLY THROWING OUT MY ITUNES VOUCHER =(
I've been to Scientists' Stories at UNSW, and fallen in love. With UNSW of course. They gave me a free pen. Plus, it's damn pretty!

Speaking of UNSW, I've been to USYD and UWS this last weekend, both of which suck (maybe only because my heart belongs to unsw). UWS was more of a carnival than a uni open day. It had face painting and a petting zoo.
Talent Quest and Variety Night were last Friday. TQ was awesome, our grade is so cool it's unbelievable. And after school I went to Mac Square to get free ice cream for Katy Perry day =). Variety Night was also unbelievably cool, the atmosphere was awesome, and afterwards Amy slept over for us to talk about boys.
The dragons have been kicking ass =). Well, except that one time =L. But yeah, we're guaranteed the minor premiership, which is very cool.
YEARLYS START NEXT WEEK. Well actually, the week after next because there's none on the Friday in the draft timetable. And yeah, I'm excited, because I'm a freak and I get excited about stuff like exams.
And prefect elections were, wait, no, they haven't happened yet because our school is disorganised and can't stick to their own calendar. =L
And my ex-neighbour, Shaarn, who moved to port macquarie, moved back into my street on the weekend =) To convince herself to go to uni next year =L

And that's Ebony's life lately =)
Smile, the world is beautiful!

No letters. Just bills.

You may not know it, but your distance and ignorance are slowly breaking my heart.
When i say “i’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying. - IWroteThisForYou

---

Sometimes I wonder where all my time goes. Because, seriously, I don't work all that often, just like, 8 hoursish a week. So then, where is all the time? And then I realise that I come home and do homework/study for about 4 hours every night. =S

---

And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me

---

And I used to have this thing that I wouldn't do schoolwork on Friday, cause I has the weekend. But now I reserve the weekend for work/family time. And my family does a lot of random socialising. So now I work really hard all week. And bludge all weekend. And feel guilty for bludging and eat chocolate. And then eat guilty for eating chocolate and eat a salad. And now my mum doesn't know why I keep buying salad, and I'm never hungry by dinner time.

---

“And I've always hated the way you would come into my life and arrange things in my heart room.

Then you left by the same door you came in as though nothing happened.

But nothing's the same anymore. I can't find my keys, my piece of mind, my reasons to live. You were here and you destroyed the peace that was me.

You looked on. You just look.” – howimissedyou

---

And I had a solution to the problem because I would just chew gum and I would get the flavours without the guilt because I wasn't eating. And then she came and said that chewing gum is bad because you stomach creates all these acids to digest the food and then you end up with extra acids, and my stomach is already too acidy from drinking too much juice and having screwed up genes, so all I can do is eat chocolate.

---

"Scars are good, I think, because they don't hurt anymore but they don't let you forget. They don't melt away into nothingness, they are merit badges, they are battle wounds that show you how far you've come." - CleverGirlGoesBlog

---

And I'm supposed to be studying physics as I write this, but physics is my least favourite subject to study because it's so hard. Which is weird, because I find the subject easy, just the study hard. So if you ask me to study legal, or chem I'll do it easily, but physics makes me want to bludge.

---

“We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.

And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.

No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.

No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.

No letters. Just bills.” - IWroteThisForYou (listofchanges)

---

And that's it. I'm gonna stop venting about how undedicated I am, and go and find a uni course for my sister (useful budging, promise) and then consider studying physics.

Live long and prosper,

"We've recieved unconfirmed reports that you are beginning to ask questions. Please accept the world as it is and allow it to continue to work the way it works. Fit in.

Thank you."

In other words, it doesn't matter if you're failing English.
Or that you cry at inconvenient times during the day.
And it doesn't matter if you ate lunch alone.
Or that you've fought with everyone important to you in the last 24 hours (including yourself.)

This is the way the world works.

You just have to stop asking questions and fit in.







Resistance is futile.

Catch upp

So, yeah, long time no talky.
What has happened with you Ebony?

Well...

*I did my english assessment and only got 35 minutes for it... because, well, teachers are stupid, and Ms Schultz says I can appeal and blah blah but who can be bothered?
*My enter key is broken, it gets stuck heaps, and I just backspaced stacks of lines
*My whole class pretty much feels crappy about physics considering even the top score in our class for the research task was pretty crap, and the rest are worse.
*I realised I have 4 classes with Richard. Yes, it took me 10 weeks to figure it out.
*I am pretty much screwed for English. Just in general. And should be doing that instead of this. But, ehh.
*Mr Peck likes Tim Minchin. =SS Why must he make me like him? He is not a good person =(
*Ms Schultz makes me feel cared about =) She was all nice and everything to me today when I was sorta freaking out
*English just generally makes me want to cry
*Me and my train people totally gossiped about every teacher in our school today =DD
*My puppy dog had an operation yesterday, and has stitches and stuff, but he'll be okayy.
*Our whole grade pretty much hates their half yearly timetables.
*I just feel tired. I think this long weekend will be very good for me. I look forward to sleep and chocolate. And the easter show with my people =)
*Today is April Fools and everyone was too stressy to notice =L
*Me and Amy stalked Mr Robson for his email =DD Plus I have all my teachers except Dillon's
*Pitt told us about this cool science thingo that I don't think I can go to because I'm going to Tasmania.
*The dragons play tomorrow and this game may determine my happiness for the week :L:L Seriously! We're top of the table!! =D
*I've been listening to a lot of music lately, it makes me happy.
*I keep feeling like studying. Like at the station today, I totally cracked and opened a book :L

Live long and prosper

dfgdfighnsdjkfkjdrnf

I opened a word document to write my practise English creative writing question.
That was half an hour ago.
I still haven't written anything.

I don't get what I'm supposed to do.

I don't think I've ever understood what I'm supposed to do for English.
How are we meant to relate it to authority and leadership?

I don't get it.

---

Yeah, I think that's all I really wanted to say.

I feel much better now.

Well, actually I don't.
But I can pretend.

More beautiful than ever before.

Confession #58: I think chicks in underwear are really sexy. Really, really sexy. I think guys in underwear are sexy too, I’m not totally lesbian. But like, the Bonds ads, wow, they are sexy chicks.

"I think that sometimes we love people so much that we become numb to it.

because if we actually felt how much we really loved them, it would kill us."

"Want to shout "I LOVE YOU"." - music_girl

I haven't blogged in a while, I don't really have time. Even this is only an excuse to not do my english essay. Or write my creative writing piece. Or write study notes. Or get ready for work.

Life has been steadily good. I really love school. I don't like how much time I have to dedicate to it (although when I look at last year, it's not so bad by comparison). Sometimes I wish other people could love school as easily, it makes everything so simple.

I think I've found a good rhythm. A balance of everything in my life. I know it's still not perfect, because it still hurts people, but this year I'm supposed to be doing things for me, not anyone else.

I'm going to go and actually do that essay now, so, I'll blog later (later being an unspecified amount of days).

Live long, and prosper.

Psychotic.

Confession#56: I love the smell of lynx and shaving cream. I think it’s because for as long as I can remember, my Dad has always smelt of lynx and shaving cream. But I love it when guys spray lynx at school, it makes me feel safe and happy.

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

"I am psychotic, love me regardless?" – warped reality

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

So... life.
Everything is spinning in my head at the moment. I know I should be doing more homework since I'm working tomorrow, but the prospect of thinking is giving me a headache and I think maybe I'm stressing myself out too much again.

"Every generalization is dangerous. Especially this one."

I think maybe that little fairytale of my life came about 2 years too late. Or at least, a year and a half. I think it could have been a fairytale, maybe, if you'd let me see what you showed everyone else. Why wait until today?

"Do not take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride."

I am a little bit over life and I would greatly appreciate a weekend around about now. As in, a weekend without work, without homework, without assignments, without 8 minute speeches, without studying. Just a weekend. Or just one day, if that's all there is.

"Life, n: A whim of several billion cells to be you for awhile."

I don't know where you are in your life, and I really would like to. I don't think we should be friends because I don't think we'd make good friends. But maybe pen pals, or something. Something where we just update each other on what's going on. Maybe I worry about you?

"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable."

Maybe the least you could do is tell me what the hell is going on with you.

"Age is a number, not a limitation."
~Brendon Urie.

It would've been nice if you said yes. I miss you, you know. But I think we're getting closer. That makes me happy.

"I doubt, therefore I might be."

What if this is it?
Is that okay? Or would you rather have something to live for?

"Alright, every band tells you to raise your middle finger, for fuck this, fuck that. But we think that's boring. We want you to hold up your ring finger, because there is someone out there in this world that wants to sleep next to you every night."
~Patrick Stump

Every word you say is like a captured melody. You're the character in the book that everyone listens to, you're the one who's always right. You're Dumbledore, Gandalf, House, Gibbs, Yoda. You're the guy we listen to. Because we know.

"if everybody who sees the ships dies
how do u know there is a ship"

I think I'm a difference person to who I was. I'm me now. I was never me before. I was a shadow of the person I could one day become. But I was not a person. I was merely an echo.

You think I'm insane because you can't hear the music. You can't hear the song I sing along to, the song I dance to. But it's there. Just look for it.

Goodbye sunshines.

help meeh

I know you're hanging out for my blog (ok, maybe not), but I am so swamped with crapp right now, it's sort of impossible.

Stupid public speaking, why am I doing it anyway?

Oh, and if you guys want to help me, I will be ever thankful. My topic is "the truth hurts" so if you can give me some examples of situations when the truth hurts, yeah, that'd be good. Just throw some ideas at me.
ppplllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

ill blog maybe later (only if i finish my speech so HELP ME)

stress session

maybe i am pushing myself just a little too hard at the moment to get everything perfect, and to be perfect. but i feel like if i can just get things worked out into some sort of routine, the next 2 years will be a lot easier.

i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.

that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.

of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.

but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.

and life goes on.
...life always goes on.

(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))

Break

Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages



Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.

Another year older

Confession #46: I'm terrified of becoming someone I'll hate. But I'm pretty sure I'm on that road.

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – which is: try to please everybody."

"You want more; so do I." – October

I'm back from camp, another year older. (Actually only a week, but, still, in numbers)

And, for the irst birthday in my life, I don't feel old enough. I don't feel 16.
I feel like my life is on fast forward at the moment, I'm just living day to day without any time for anything.
I've suddenly moved from being too young to care about life to old enough to know what I'm doing. I feel like, I have freedom now. Freedom I don't necessarily want.

I'm not sure how much I believe that age is just a number. To me, it has to be more.

And more than that, I've started thinking about myself differently too.
This is not necessarily bad, though, because I have a lot more confidence in myself, and I start to see myself as possibly being loveable. Perhaps even by me. But it has some bad parts as well. I see a change that no one else can.

I know that camp changed me, as it always does. But I think it changed a lot of people. I don't like the new me as much, I just like how she sees herself.

Does anyone else feel different?

Holidays officially start... sorta

My computer has a bazillion viruses, so I'm using mum's. it's annoying. her keyboard is sucky.

but it's labour day!
and i don't know what that means!
other than i get $20 an hour at work!

Ok.
I am now about, ish, halfway through my studying.

Maths I'm 19/22 done
English I'm about 2/3
Science is 4/7
Ag is FINISHED
Drama is 1/3 (I left my book in my locker =S)
Geo 7/8
History 1/3
And I only just started Health

(And I'm trying very hard not to think about IPT. Ever.)

So, yeah, I have to go now and earn lots of money with my obvious charm and dashing personality.

Happy studying sunshines

Worky bleedy bloggy singy

one - i like feeling stupid with you, you always turn it around
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR NOT MAKING IT OBVIOUS WHO THESE ARE ABOUT
three - i really really hate weekends, i need you. so much
four - your sim asked me to marry you ...maybe you do have the guts


ok, so that assignment i was meant to work on yesterday... didn't really happen
i mean, yeah, i meant to and all
and then, it just didnt happen
and sure, i feel i smidge guilty (ok, not really)
but maybe, i have a life! (/job)
and don't have time right now to do it.
because im living! (/sleeping)
ok, yeah, i feel mega guilty
sorry future ebony for not making your workload any lighter


i trod on a stick today.
the other end flipped over and cut my foot
now my foot is bleedy
but its antibacterialised
and bandaided
and its getting better

that was such a fun story wasn't it


hmm, i like blogging again, this is so weird
i mean, after blogging about twice all month
ive blogged about 10 times in a week
and its not like i have anything to say

then again, its not like i ever have


Because she's so ooohh ohhh ohh
Rock 'n' roll!
And out of my league
Is she out my league?
Let's hope not

Finally blogging

I'm really sorry for not blogging, like, at all lately. But I really am swamped with school, assignments, working @ 2 stores (finishes, this week) and football (sounds lame, but WE won the minor premiership so =P).
Anyways, I have a stack of stuff I've been meaning to write. Including a very special post I need to plan for September 24. But right now I'm just trying not to break my new year's resolution (blog every week).

So yes. School is getting very taxing, but term 3 is always like that for me. I just try to ride it out. Thankfully, on Friday, 6 assignments became 4, as I handed in history and ipt. We got back IPT today, and my group got 10/15. But my section got 4/5. So yay!

I've been transferring from macquarie fields to wattlegrove store for about 2 weeks, which means i've had 4-5 shifts. which is basically killing me. as getting to mac fields takes a good hour by bus and train (oh how i wish i cold drive). so time has basically been getting rarer and rarer, meanwhile i get richer and richer!

I was awesome and lucky enough to go to the Eels/Dragons game on Friday, and unlucky enough to go to the Bunnies/Dragons game the week before. At about halftime I stopped watching, it was torturing me. The Eels game however was beautiful. The best part being sitting in the corner where the first 3 tries were scored.

My grandfather got out of hospital on Friday!! So to all the people I've told about that (and I'm not sure how many there are), he's finally out, but on oxygen 24/7. At least he was out for father's day though.

So that's basically been my life lately.

Oh, and Charlie is being a piece of shit and restarting himself randomly, and not letting me sign into msn, which is REALLY PISSING ME OFF!

Anyways, keep smilng!!

PS: Anyone who has blogged in the past 2 weeks, I have not read it yet. Forgive me. When you get comments next month from me, at least you'll know I'm still a dedicated reader. Just a dedicated reader without enough hours in the day. (I haven't played sims for a week[except for when amy came over)