drink more. think less.

Bonus blog in the middle of my holiday, makes up for being slow with the posting...

"sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk."
--dictionary of obscure sorrows

"Don't be sorry. Apologies shouldn't be one word anyway"- PaulPham

"Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wrong, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely."

I  was reading through some tragically old blogs the other day and I stumbled upon this quote, and it really made me think. Lately, I've just been feeling so lonely, and, it kind of sucks.
I mean, apart from Damian, who is like my reason for waking up in the morning, there's no one in my life that I feel that close to or feel that I have anything in common with. All my friends from school have gone their different ways and made their different connections, and I'm scared of overwhelming my friends from uni by being all I LIKE YOU, BE MY FRIEND :D which would not be the first time... So I don't really feel like I can heart to heart with anyone... and that's a really lonely feeling, for me.

There he sat, propped up on a stone beside the lake, his body turned away from me so I could not see his face. I sat down on the stone beside him and he slowly turned to look at me, he expected me to say something. I guess I’m not surprised, most people don’t just sit next to people because they like to feel close. Most people don’t edge a little closer each possible second, rearranging their body every few seconds to move just a millimetre closer. I don’t really know why I like being so physically close to people, just that I do.
“I guess this is it” I said, simultaneously filling his expectant silence and distracting myself from further analysis of my persona.
“You say that like it’s the end of my life Elle, but it’s just one day” he looked sad “I know, but it’s a really big day for you; it determines everything”
“Stop reminding me” he smiled like his father, his eyes so beautiful and blue “I should be packing” and he looked over the lake again
“And I should be hugging you” I said as I reached my arms around him
I still hadn’t figured out whether he liked it when I did that. I hadn’t figured out a lot of things about him. Did he stay awake at night and think about me like I did about him?
“Haha ok” he had practically no response. He didn’t push me away, he didn’t hug back, he smiled, but it seemed like he did it out of obligation. Sometimes he would act like being with me was the best thing is the world, sometimes I felt like a burden on his life. Do boys know how confusing they are?
It took about three seconds of hugging him without being hugged back for me to feel awkward. The thing is, I feel more awkward when I’m not touching people. But I stopped anyway, because what else was I going to do, wait for him to pretend he cared about me.
“Good luck” I smiled
“Thank you” he looked back at me, happier now that I’d stopped touching him.
“You’ll be fine” I assured him. He just nodded. “And if not, I’ll love you anyway” He smiled. Why do I always have to make everything so awkward?

I started writing this and then got tired for about 4398239847928 days straight so it will never be finished. The conclusion of the story is: I hate myself and my awkwardness and my inability to make proper friendships, and I talk too much and think too little and life is terrible. :D Smile!!

Katherine.

Ok, so I finished reading An Abundance of Katherines (John Green guys, John Green) yesterday and it got me so inspired. There are some beautiful quotes in it that I just have to share because they are so full of awesome (just like me). It also got me inspired to continue writing my story (ok, so that may or may not be the book :L)

Which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about (quotes later)
How can I have been so uninspired lately?
In the last year and 9 months (yes, there is significance to that time frame), I have only written 2 parts to my story, and both of them have been sad bits. Which is really sad, because this story is inspired by love.
But I have more to add now (yes, there is also significance to that fact), this is what I wrote yesterday/today:

"Should I be keeping an eye on you two?" Hayden asked jokingly. I liked it when Hayden made fun of us being together even though we weren't (yet?). I liked that Luke was comfortable with Hayden making fun of us being together.
"Oh please" I laughed along "Luke hasn't even kissed me yet" I squeezed his hand a little harder, and poked my tongue out at him. Luke smiled as well.
"We can change that right now if you want?" His question was so much more than a question, we were joking about something we both clearly wanted to much, but couldn't admit to wanting without seeming needy. I wanted to tell him that I wanted it, but I wanted even more for our first kiss to be perfect in a way no other had been. I wanted the fairytale and the romance, and the kiss that people write books about. And this couldn't be it, so I had to say no.
"I can't make it that easy for you sweetie, I'm not just going to tell you what I want, you have to figure it out."
Somewhere in the middle of that statement we stopped dancing the ridiculous dance, it became real, and in that moment we said more to each other than we ever had before.
"So I'm supposed to be able to read your mind?" He asked disbelievingly, as if he was ashamed that I was a cliche girl. But I was in so many ways, because I wanted my fariytale romance, and he just wanted me.
"No, you're supposed to take risks. Half the fun is taking risks, and seeing if they pay off"
He laughed again, as if the metaphor of our conversation didn't even exist, and I was perfectly content to pretend it didn't. As long as he got the hint.

---

Quote time =) (equipped with my [over]analysis)

"What is the point of being alive if you don't as least try to do something remarkable?"

I like this quote because, when you first read it, you think that it is very true, that you should be a remarkable person. But then when you finish the book, you realise that Colin doesn't have to be a genius and he doesn't have to win a Nobel Prize to be a remarkable person. Sometimes, being remarkable is what's in your heart. And maybe it's enough to love others and to treat them well, and maybe that's all that life is about. You don't need a theorem about love to know how to love. You don't need a remarkable achievement to be remarkable.



"Paradoxically, he felt as if getting dumped was the only thing happening on the entire dark and silent planet, and also as if it weren't happening at all. He felt himself drifting away from the one-sided whispered conversation, wondering if maybe everything big and heartbreaking and incomprehensible is a paradox."

I like this quote because it pretends to show the paradox, as if there is no analysing to do that hasn't already been done by Colin, but then it uses the words "big and heartbreaking and incomprehensible" which are a paradox in themselves. And you realise that perhaps life is a paradox, because you sometimes feel as if you are the only person alive, and then sometimes you feel as if you are only a tiny piece of the huge world. And this in itself is a comforting feeling, that our lives can be so insignicant.



"Nerd always say that don't give a shit about popularity; but - not having friends sucks. I never liked "cool" kids, personally - I thought they were all dumb little shits. But I'm probably like them in some ways. Like, the other day, I told Hassan I wanted to matter- like, be remembered. And he said "famous is the new popular." Maybe he's right, and maybe I just want to be famous. I was thinking about this tonight, actually, that maybe I want strangers to think I'm cool since people who actually know me don't."

I like this quote because it shows all the natural human insecurities in a few little words. Everyone wants to be cool, but no one likes the cool kids. Maybe it's because we don't like them, but it's probably because we're jealous. Sometimes we wonder what our purpose in life is, and we so often come to the conclusion that we have to matter, we have to be doctors, or fight poverty. We have to do something that makes life worthwhile. Sometimes we want strangers to like us too, and we want our friends to like us, since we don't like ourselves very much. It's so easy for people to see their own imperfections, and to search for something to make up for it.



"And to Colin's mind, at least, there was a deeper repetition: each time, Katherines dumped him because they just didn't like him. They each came to the same conclusion about him. He just wasn't cool enough or good-looking enough or as smart as they'd hoped - in short, he didn't matter enough. And so it happened to him again and again, until it was boring. But montony doesn't make for painlessness. In the first century CE, Roman authorities punished St. Apollonia by crushing her teeth one by one with pliers. Colin often thought about this in relationship to the monotony of dumping; we have thirty-two teeth. After a while, having each tooth individually destroyed probably gets repetitive, even dull. But it never stops hurting."

I like this quote because it makes me sad in a good way. Heart break, is, well, heart breaking. And eventually, it can probably happen so much it gets boring. Failing at life happens to me so often it gets boring. Sometimes things that hurt me make me cry everyday. Eventually, the tears get repetitive and boring. I cry for the same things over and over. But that doesn't make each tear hurt any less. If anything, it makes it hurt more.



"You can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."

I like this quote because it is telling me to appreciate what I have when I have it. You don't know how much something means until you lose it, and it's so easy to take things for granted. And maybe that makes you love them a little less, maybe you don't tell them as often as you should that you love them. Sometimes you forget how much they love you, and you have a fight, and you wish they would get out of your life. But the truth is, you love them. And you would miss them, more than you could ever love them, if they were gone. Imagine that in the future, every friend and family member you have dies. And you feel so alone. And then you're allowed to go back to the past and be with them again. Now imagine this is the past. You have them now. Appreciate them. Love them.



"Colin turned into the store's parking lot and stopped the car, but made no move to get out. "I know you're right. I mean, about me being a self-centered asshole."
"Well, it's only sometimes. But still. Just stop."
"I really don't know how," he said. "How do you stop being terrified of getting left behind and ending up by yourself forever and not meaning anything to the world?""

I like the quote because I am terrified of not meaning anything to the world. Sometimes I'm very sure I don't mean anything to the world, and that scares me. It also makes me self-centered. I'm not proud that I'm like this. But I'm scared to change and then fade away.

Failure

There are so many wonderful things about earning my own money. The best of which being the fact that when I have a bad day, I can walk up to Coles and buy a block (or two) or chocolate. And almost not feel guilty. I mean, I did walk there. And today, was a really bad day.

---

“I just…”
Any second now he was going to complete a sentence. He knew I had to go, and he knew I wasn’t going till he got an entire sentence out. Any second… “You just?”
“I don’t like telling you when you upset me”
His words crushed me. Of all the things he could have possibly said. I had hurt him. Right after I promised myself I never would.
“What did I do?”
“The way, you were talking about… him, I just… didn’t know you were still in love with him”
I’d known when I spoke those words that they were going to hurt him. But he asked me to tell him, and I couldn’t just avoid it.
“I don’t love him anymore darling. I just, know that I used to”
I tried to let those words sink in; this was the most important thing I’d ever said to him.
“Yeah, but, I wanted to be the only one. Not the person you love now, or the one you end up with, I want to be the only one”

And he looked so sad. Sitting there. Telling me the truth. Which is something I didn’t do often enough. I rarely even told him when he hurt me. But he was so honest. And I’d honestly hurt him. The one person in my life who I hadn’t hurt in the past week, and suddenly, bam, I had.
I could feel it coming, I was about to breakdown, I had maybe 30 seconds left…
“I have to go now” I said
“Ok…”
“I love you” I meant it, I really meant it
“I love you too”
And as I walked away, I felt the tears begin to pour down my face.

---

...I think I just failed life.

Victor told me a title wasn't necessary, he just wanted to read

one - i'm getting sick, and it sucks
TWO - I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE TODAY ABOUT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. I REALLY HOPE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.
three - i love feeling comfortable with you. i don't know how you do it. i feel like i'm at home. finally.
four - i'm not real sure what i did to annoy you. i'm sorry for always being such a bitch, though.

so...
health assignment...
mm, hasn't really happened yet
and it's not looking like it will tonight.

the other day i was looking over what i wrote about the essence of me... back in the day. I realised how much of myself has changed, just in the last 6 months. I'm happy now. I cry less, and there's always someone that notices. I don't dread turning out like mum anymore. And my fake smile ain't all that pretty. I found my real smile again. I'm getting slacker with memoirs. I think I'm perhaps a little less crazy, mainly because skipping/spinning make me dizzy.

Oooh, oooh, and speaking of dizzy, I'm FINALLY going to the doctors on Thursday!! yay!! it only took 12 weeks!

Actually, I've gotten a lot closer to my family in the last 6 months, we actually feel like a family again, and that's been a while. The only people I've really drifted from are my group. And, although I feel extremely guilty about that, I know that something's gotta give. Everything won't always be perfect, and I have to deal with things being less than perfect.

I feel like writing.
Hmm, I'll write the part of my story that I wrote ages ago.
(Seriously, I was going through these drawers the other day, and I found this, and I'm like, damn, that's insightful) (Okay, so I may or may not have only found a paragraph, and just extended on that now because I feel like writing)
---

"I can't do this anymore Luke" I said, I don't know what I wanted him to say, really, I just looked into his eyes, until he had to say something, I know he had something to say.
"Can't do what, Elle?" He gave me the same look.
"I can't keep pretending to be okay with everything that's happening to you, when I'm not! I know you have problems, okay, I get that, but you can't keep bottling them up, you have to let me in sometime. Not anyone else, you don't need to tell anyone else, but you need to let me in."
"I can't Elle, I can't let you deal with all this, I can't let it hurt you."
"That hurts more Luke, I feel like you can't trust me."
"I can, darling, I just can't hurt you."
"You already are" I tried to look disappointed, but I felt upset, so maybe my expresion came off as confused, or something else, but I was aiming for diappointed. But I was still trying to make a point, so I turned around and walked away.
"Elle! Elle, wait!"
But there was nothing to wait for really, nothing worth waiting for. I'd heard all the excuses a thousand times before, the 'i can't hurt you' and 'i care too much' and 'you won't understand', and I was over it. Completely over it. And there was nothing to wait for.
"Elle, I love you."
And I stopped. Becuase I didn't want him to think that those words had no effect on me, because they did. But I didn't turn around, because he wasn't forgiven. He just had a second chance. And I felt his arms around my waist, and his mouth against the tip of my ear, and I knew he was using his second chance wisely.
"I want to tell you" he whispered "it's just hard."
And that I could understand, I know what it's like to tell people things you never have before. I know how much trust is involved. And I knew that his problems went beyond 'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar', but admitting them was surely still difficult.
But he was trying, and I think that's what won it for me. He was trying to tell me. And even if he couldn't, that would still be ok, because he was trying, and that meant he was forgiven.
So I turned around in his arms, hugged him, and whispered "I love you too... and take your time"
And take his time he did.
But he told me.

---

And there he was; Hayden Parker.
He was the new kid on the block, the one everyone was dying to meet. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, loveable nerd. He was beautiful, he was kind, he was funny, and he was clever. He was the kind of guy to talk business with your dad, and make your mum fall for him too. The guy that made every one of your friends jealous, yet made them want to spend more time with you just for knowing him. He had an answer to every question, he always did his homework, and all the teachers loved him. He was Hayden Parker. And he was standing right in front of me.

"H-hello, I'm Elle, you must be new" That was my approach, to act kind, but as if he wasn't anyone special, and that I was nice to all the new kids.
He extended his arm "Hayden Parker" We shook hands "I just got here yesterday"
"Cool, how are you liking ____{insertschoolnamehere}____?"
"It's a good school" he said, looking around. His hair falling effortlessly as he moved his head "The people aren't bad either" and he winked at me.
"So they tell us" I giggled. That line had sounded much better in my head.
"Right... well, I've gotta go to class, I'll see you later Elle"
"Yeah, bye"
And he walked away. And I watched.

---

Lol, that was more fun to write than it should have been.
Okay, well, I've sufficiently written.
Live long and prosper.

Inspire.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to inspire someone?

Or to make someone feel good about themselves?

There have been so many time is the past few days when I've wanted to say "I think you're an amazing person" or "I'm really glad we're friends" or "thankyou for just being you, cuz you're awesome" but I'm scared that I'll freak people out. So I just keep my mouth shut.

-----

I want to know your story - imissyoulately

My story:

When I was little, everything was perfect. I guess that's just how stuff goes. I always knew I was very lucky. I had the most amazing life you could ever wish for. I knew I had to do something special. Even as a child, I contemplated parts of the universe that some people will never consider. I asked God why I was so lucky, why things always worked out for me, he just told me to never take it for granted, and to do something worthwhile with my luck.

I moved house at the age of 5, and I met her. It's hard, still today, to go into details about everything that happened with her. Needless to say, my luck had run out. At the time, I didn't understand. I thought it was normal, or that it was okay. I realise now that it was not okay. It will never be okay.

Somewhere in my childhood I got really happy. I know it's wrong of me to blame her, but I do. I know this is the easy way out. I also know that my argument has some validity. Yeah, I was a pretty depressed kid. I hated the world. I hated myself. I hated everyone around me.

I smiled. Sure, whatever. That was not a smile. That was lips going up at the corners. There's a difference.

Highschool started. And I was sick of it. I threw out my soul, and I got a new one. I was the crazy girl who liked skipping, polka dots and chocolate (actually, not the chocolate yet).

And for a very long time I was okay with that. I finally knew what it was like to smile. I was soo happy. Sure, maybe it wasn't perfect, and maybe it wasn't real, but I ws happy. That's all that's important.

OK, I'm stoppping my story here.

The rest in unwritten.

Well, the next bit is written, but you know what I'm like, I never tell you stuff too close to me at the present.

ANYWAYS! Everyone who's reading this, will you please comment with your story =)

Random.

It’s not with any of the other parts

PART CINCO

___________________ ___

A lot of that time I spent with Luke is blanked out in my mind. There were days I was so happy I would walk around in a daze. Speaking only when spoken to. Always singing of daydreaming or both. I remember waking up thinking “this is as good as it gets” and it was. I was living out my fairytale.
Luke and I didn’t spend every single second together. We balanced friends, family and school as well, only to reward ourselves with each other. That time was truly divine.
We weren’t like dream couples out of romance novels, because love didn’t rule our lives, we could be happy apart. We visited each other’s families together, and texted each other when we were apart. We shared jokes and stories; we were about so much more than romance. We inspired each other to do our best and never settle. And we did. We trusted each other so completely we became the best of friends.
I used to lie in bed at night and imagine his touch, and then dream of him. I woke up smiling. When I pictured him hugging me, I felt safe. And that’s how I became obsessed with him. But we kept our boundaries and our focus. In all honesty, we were the essence of perfection.
We agreed on all important issues, and bickered incessantly over the little things, such as what made a rainbow and why the sky was blue. In the end we’d agree to Google it, and we each enjoyed being proven right. But we were not competitive, just aching to learn more of each other, which we did, every single day.

_______________________

It’s sort of a summary… kinda.

More of my silly story.

OK, this is totally separate to the rest of it (he’s still alive!!) it’s before the other stuff

PART CUATRO

________________________

“You cheated on me Luke!” Of course he was no different to all the others, how could I be so stupid?
“Yeah, but it wasn’t like that”
“Oh yeah? What was it like then?”
He looked frustrated, incapable of channelling his angst into something so simple as words. “You don’t get it, do you?” he asked me.
“Get what?”
“You’ve been loved your entire life! One guy to the next, there’s always been someone chasing after you”
“Get to the point, Luke” If he thought bringing up my less-than-perfect track record was gonna help his case, he was very wrong.
“I’ve NEVER been loved before you” Still hard to believe, but true.
“And?”
“And some days I think maybe you’ll wake up to what everyone else has seen, and fall out of love with me too. Sometimes I’m scared you’re just delusional, and I’m not really loveable.”
Delusional?
“I guess, just knowing that someone else COULD be interested in me, it was comforting”
Oh my goodness, how did he turn this back around on to me? And yet, it made such perfect sense.
“Nothing happened Elle, I promise”
Yeah, and I believed him. I always believed him.
“Forgive me?” How could I not??
“If you do something for me in return.”
“Anything”
I wrapped my arms around him in a huge hug, and leant my mouth to his ear. “Forgive me for overreacting?”
He turned to look at me, and smiled. “I love you Elle” And he leant in and kissed me.

________________________

Hehe, ok, you have to forgive the 12 year old part of me that wrote the ending :L

I know it doesn't make sense...

This is Elle’s thoughts on Luke’s letter. =)
PART TRES

_______________________

He was right. I wouldn’t have read his letter, I was too mad at him. And I was insecure, which was why I questioned his feelings. I don’t know whether I will ever forgive myself for giving up my only shot at love for my insecurities, and I don’t know if I will ever meet another quite the same as Luke. He was inhumanely divine, everything I could possibly want, and yet, somehow, so much more than that.

Everyday I woke up questioning what he saw in me. What was the thing that drew him to me? And I did not trust myself enough to credit it to my heart. Searching for a way to feel good about myself, I lost the only person to make me feel just that. Strange how karma works, isn’t it?

_____________________

Luke's Letter

Back to my story, now you can ready the letter.

PART DOS

________________________

Dear Elle,
I know you have little patience when it comes to shallow people, and you can’t bear the thought that I am one such person. The truth is, I don’t like your “prettiness” any more than any other part of you. I love you as a whole.

I don’t think ‘love’ is an adequate word, actually, because this feeling in me has gone beyond that. Your mind is my favourite place in the world. Exploring your thoughts each day is a thrill for me, finding out how you feel about everything is my favourite hobby. I love that you have the unbelievable wit to challenge everything I say, causing me to understand myself more every day.

I love that you have the compassion to want more for everyone around you when you can’t have more for yourself. I love that you are insecure enough to question how I feel about you, that you truly, humbly think that little of yourself. And I love the way you think I am worlds above you.

You are my life now, is what I’m trying to say. Without you there would be no purpose for everything I do. If I lose you for what I said the other day I could never forgive myself, and if you don’t take the time to read this, I fear you will never forgive me.

I love you. All of you. Every single part. Never question that.

Yours till the day I die,

Luke.

_______________________

We’re all going “NGAWWW” right now, aren’t we? :L
It’s a little bit too cheesy (as in 'Hang on a sec whilst I throw up')… but I dunno if I’ll change it or not. Who can be bothered??

For Entertainment Purposes...

Ok, so if I don’t blog during my holiday, I have officially failed at my Resolutions before January is even finished. And that is just pathetic (not completely unexpected, but still, pathetic). So I’m gonna write my story. However much of it I get written before I leave. =) And autopost it.

Ok, so I had this huge internal debate with myself, because, I don't know if I actually want any of you to read this, because my story is so personal to me...

And then I told myself to get over it and if people don't like it that's their problem, and that I'm just being insecure and stupid.

I dunno if I'm okay with it yet, but, I'll let you guys read it anyway.

on from last time

Part Uno

_________________________

… that was the last time I saw Luke Moore. Such a perfect being as he was, heaven claimed him the following morning, and I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say sorry, I never got to tell him that I loved him too.

I guess, after time, I understand what he meant that day. If I wasn’t pretty I would be different, and he saw me as being as untouchable as I saw him. I do have to admit that I loved him for his looks too. Moreover, I loved how he looked because it reminded me of who he was on the inside.

Sometime after that day, his family gave me his diary. In it, he had the draft of a letter he wrote that night, to me, it read as follows:

___________________________

Ehe, and now you have to wait to read the letter. Haha.

PS: I know, it’s gone all tragic. But it’s a nice tragic? Oh wait, you guys haven’t read the Prologue… I’ll write it for you later. :L Then you’ll get why he dies.

Happy New Year... finally.

OK, I know it’s been a while, but do you remember my story??

Good. Anywho. I have somehow been inspired to continue writing it.

It’s not very good, but you guys will probably read it anyway.
___________________________________________

He clamped my forearms with his hands, and looked me straight in the eyes “Just ask me” he said “Whatever it is, just ask me”
I hesitated, but finally gave in “Would you love me even if I wasn’t pretty?” I asked. His hands dropped, he looked away, and paused.
“Answer me!” I was worried, if he was avoiding the question that could only mean…
“That’s not fair Ellie” he said
“Yeah? Why not?”
“Because that’s like asking if I would love you if weren’t clever or talented or caring, I love you for all of you.”
We’d been through this conversation a million times in my head, and that was more or less the reply I was expecting.
“Wrong answer”
I spun around and walked away.
___________________________________________

Yeah, there’s more, but it gets worse :L so I’ll just leave you with that.
___________________________________________

Now I haven’t actually said Happy New Year to anyone, (except on MSN) cuz I already wasted 25 cents on all of you at Christmas, and I'm not exactly made of money. So here is my New Year Message:
(note that this way is free =))
(warning: it gets soppy :L)

I hope that 2009 is a great year for all of you. I hope you all grow to understand yourselves and your friends better. I hope nothing ever holds you back from doing something you want to do, and that you find the strength within yourself to fight for what’s right, and make a difference.
Make it a year of memories. Live for every moment, treat each day as if it were your last, and never regret anything that once made you smile. On second thoughts, never regret anything at all. Laugh and smiles lots, but cry lots too. Especially with friends.
Follow you heart. Whatever you’re doing, follow your heart. Trust yourself and your instincts. And every day, wake up with a smile of your face thinking “Ebony loves me”.

See that wouldn't ave fit in a text message anyway :L.

Empathy/I'm sorry.

Luke Moore.
Awesomely awesome main guy.
He’s intriguing.
Partly because he’s never defined, and partly because he is awesomely awesome.
Loosely based around every guy I’ve ever liked (included fictional characters), some more than others.
Physical description: Very similar to Elle. Short brown hair and soft brown eyes. Slightly above average height. Beautiful, but only if you look hard enough.
Emotional description: Very aware of surrounding people’s thoughts/feelings which highly influence him. Empathetic. But very closed. Finds it hard to express his feelings.
Social description: Has a best bud Hayden who’s pretty cool. They tell each other most everything, but mainly have heaps of fun together.

-----------------------------------------------------

6 words: I cry daily now. so pathetic. – cornn

Empathy.
My problem is empathy.
This is why I was so depressed whilst reading new moon. This is why I was all lovey dovey after reading breaking dawn. This why, when I was little, and I had lists of ‘reasons to stay alive’, one of the reasons was “Feeling happy, like after a movie” (because movies finish happy, and thus, I am happy). This is why I love being around people who are happy. This is why I felt all confessional last Thursday at drama J

Because I am empathetic. Because, whatever people around me are feeling, I feel it too. I feed off vibes. It’s what I do.
Like some of you peoples know (and some are about to find out), I am the most sensitive person in the world. EVERY SINGLE movie I watch, I cry. My claim to fame: I cried during Happy Feet. Even books. First book I cried in – Rainbow Fish. I was very happy that he was unselfish enough to share his scales. After that, books like Anne of Green Gables (when Matthew died), The Land Of Blue Mountains (when the dog gave up his heart for the little girl), the shitty Kitty book we read for English (all through parts 2 and 3, the book was boring! Still don’t know why I cried) and, of course, the Twilight Saga. I’m getting worse as I get older (did you hear about happy feat? The leopard seal was chasing the penguin, oh shiz!), I’ve started crying listening to songs, yes I am that sad.
So, all this time I’ve spent being overly sensitive, I’ve thought I was a freak. (OK, I’ve KNOWN I was a freak). But mum has always told me “Never be ashamed of being sensitive” (I know, I know, it sounds like “mummy says I’m special no matter what the other kids say”), and, until recently, I never have been.

But in the last few years, it has really become unbearable. I cry every ANZAC day, even before we see people marching, I think “wow, all these amazing people were willing to give up their lives, just for us” and snap, I’m bawling (yes, I am crying, after having written that).

I don’t want to be that person anymore. As much as I love being in touch with my emotions, it really makes life unbearable. Everytime I talk to someone who is upset, I feel it too. It does, occasionally, make me good at giving advice. I’m normally good at understanding two sides of a story, and I’m usually fair. (Unless one side is better for me, then I can be bias).

Lately I’m getting less empathetic and more sensitive. Things hurt me so much that other people’s problems, by comparison, are dulled. I feel like I’m not there for people, because I can’t understand them. I can’t understand why they make big deals out of little things.

Big(ish) things are going on with me right now. But big things are going on with other people too, I guess, I’m trying to say: I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for you, and I apologise in advance for how distracted I’ll be in the next few days until I figure out… well… everything.

I love my friends, especially the ones who read my blogs ;). You guys rock my socks! Just put up with me for a bit, okay? :)

08-11-08

OK, my story at the top of my blogs can only go so far before I actually give the characters names.
So, as of today, I am going to write character profiles for the main characters

Elle Scott (you have no idea it took me to come up with that name!)
Main character – story is told from her perspective.
Lives with mother (Rebecca), father (Andrew), younger sister (Chloe) and pet dog – Jack.
Loosely based around me - very, very loosely. As in, almost not even there, and yet, I bothered mentioning it, so there to some extent.
Physical description: Very, very average. Medium brown, shoulder length hair. Medium height. Brown eyes – very expressive. She’s nice looking, not overly gorgeous or anything, just, pleasant – it’s very humbling. (:L)
Emotional description: She knows what’s going on – intuitive, if you will. She finds herself easily hurt, but she can always figure out a way to fix it. She has a hot temper, hot in that it is harsh, but it takes a lot for her to lose it.
Social description: Has one main friend whom you will meet later as she doesn’t have a name yet. Socialises well with other people – but appreciates time spent alone.

Stay tuned for a desciption of Luke Moore.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 1’s 6 words: Nothing more beautiful than broken, right? – coulda.been.a.comet

A lot of people around me have been broken lately.
And a lot of people in my life have broken others.
I guess, I’m just sick of it.

I don’t understand why people can’t just get along, why everything is complex.
I don’t understand why people blame themselves for things they didn’t do.
I don’t understand why people can’t talk it out, and fix it.
I don’t understand why people assume things of others without checking if it’s true.

Why do people think they know better? They don’t!
“You don’t understand cuz you’re not me”
Yeah, but I’ve been you. I know you think that I’m stupid and I don’t understand anything, but I’ve seen it all.
I’ve seen friends drift apart because of boys, exam marks, parents, and other friends. I’ve seen people fight because of misunderstandings, and I’ve seen people in pain over things they’ve imagined.

I don’t like seeing people hurt so much, but they won’t talk to me about it. I try so hard to let them know I’m here, but I feel if I bring it up, I’m prying.

I wish people could just be friends. I wish I could go back to kindergarten, where sharing crayons made you lifelong pals. I wish a smile could fix a friendship. I wish memories actually meant something, and that people actually remembered. I wish everything was different…

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 2’s 6 words: Everything reminds me of you, always. – Esalamy

I don’t want you guys (readers)to know who this is about, but I need to get this out. So try not to figure it out. Read if you wish, but speak of it to no one. =)

I thought… it would stop hurting. I thought that moving on would mean something. I thought time could heal all wounds. But… I wasn’t ready to move on.
I fought myself to forget you, I tried so hard to pretend you meant nothing.

You were my life. Truly. My everything. When you lose your everything, what is left? Nothingness.
And amidst my nothingness, I found a something. Then I convinced myself that something could be an everything. I tried so hard to make that something an everything, and I succumbed to my wishes.

By when I lost my something, it was only an echo of what I felt when I lost you.

It made me realise how powerful we were.
I finally felt like me when I was with you.
You were wonderful enough to love my perks, and stupid enough to love my quirks.
Every part of my being loved you, wholly and passionately.

I still miss what we were, and what we could have been. I’ve been thinking so much more about us lately. I’ve finally gotten over you, and I’m letting myself miss you. Miss everything you were to me.

So I’m not still in love with you, and I don’t still wish you were mine. Everything I see reminds me of you, but I’m finally okay with that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 3’s 6 words: Stephenie Meyer has improved my vocabulary. – Ebony =)

Okay, so after reading the Twilight series (several times), I have realized something.

My vocabulary is shit!!

Seriously, half the words she used, I couldn’t even pronounce! My sister read the books along with her dictionary, but I refused to sink to such levels!! So, half the books made so sense (:L).

Anywho…
I have decided that, my vocabulary being shit and all, I will learn new words!!
You know, all those words in the dictionary that no one uses, but they make you feel smart that you know what they mean.
Yeah, them, I’m gonna start learning what they all mean.

Today’s smarticle word: mendacious

Oh, but Ebony, what does this word mean? And why the hell do you care??

This word means: Telling lies, especially habitually; dishonest, lying, untruthful.
I care because: …I can’t remember where, but I saw it somewhere and I thought, crap, I wonder what that means. =)

So, in the future, maybe we shall all become more smarticle

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 4’s 6 words: We Write Because We Have To. – LoveMeEasy

And JUST IN CASE you’re really bored, and have read the whole blog and are searching for more.
There is this really pretty 6 word memoir written by ‘kiwi’.
YEAH! GO THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!!

Anyway, it really touched me, as did ALLL of the associated comments.
Here’s the link.

And I’m not even gonna tell you what it is! Cuz I want you to click the link! Click it! Click it!!
My blog is over!! So go and see the 6 words that made my day back on October 16.
LEAVE!!!(and click the link).

I have a lot to say today

"Hello???"
My eyes refocused as my hed snapped up to look at her. She looked a little anxious, but I continued to gaze absently at her.
"What you looking at?" She asked with a smile as her eyes followed the path mine had been on seconds earlier. I tried to shake my head so she wouldn't look, but I realised it was too late. The smile slid from her face as comprehension dawned, she knew it was him.
"Oh right" she looked uncomfortable that she'd seen something she knew was so personal to me.
"I'm sorry" I still felt that this my fault. After all, it most probably was.
"Don't apologise" she paused "You can't help it" she mumbled, as she looked away.
She had a point. It was difficult for me to resist looking for him everyday. Difficult not to know where he was at every second, she knew it made me anxious.
"Still sorry though" I felt so bad, I never gave her a second thought, he had become my life now.
"Yeah, I know" and we continued to eat in silence.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 1's 6 words: I've taken residence inside my books. - angelica

I just wanna blog about New Moon again.
Go away if you’re sick of my twilightis.

OK, Bella? Dearest, darling, silly silly girl. See that guy over there, Jacob? Yeah? He’s perfect for you. And Edward? He let you go. That’s because he is an IDIOT!

He thinks he’s in love with you cuz he heard you say his name when you were asleep. You think you’re in love with him, because he FINALLY started talking to you again.

Jacob wants to be there for you. Actually have a conversation with you. Spend time with you without wanting to suck your blood. He wants to love you. He thinks you can be divine, and it’s hurting him that you won’t give him a chance.

So, Edward? Even if he does come back (as we all know he will, cuz this is a storybook, not reality), he’s not worth it. Because he thought you would be better off if he left. Prove him right.

He never really loved you, just as you never really loved him. What you thought was love, was merely attraction, and he didn’t deserve for you to think of him as you did. You know you love Jacob. Deep down, you know that you two can be extraordinary. Let him love you too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Moon Part Over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 2's 6 words: Nobody's judging you now. Just write. - October

OK, a big hello!!! To all the really cool people who have started 6 word memoir accounts, even if you've only posted a few times, you guys are fully rocking my socks right now.
And even if, at first, you find it hard to post your deepest darkest secrets on the Internet, one day, you'll try it, and probably get feautured, and from then on, you won't be afraid. So take it in your stride, learn from other people, enjoy the anonymity of it.
Keep in mind:
There are people out there that have it harder than you, never diss someone for what they think.
People love comments; comment lots, let people know when you enjoy their work.
Someone in that beautiful teen community feels the exact same way about something as you, let it out, so they won't feel so alone.

And of course, you will start thinking in 6 words. This is one of the mant hazards of going on the site too much. But use it! Think everything in 6 words, publish it, and you will have a beautiful documentation of your every thought.

---------------------------------------------------

Part 3's 6 words: Let's say I AM two people... - Shadowesque

Ever have that feeling, where you don't know what to do...

And it's like, you have 2 options.
The Angel
and the Devil
(couldnt you just hear those capitals?)

You know that you should choose the angel.
You know that the angel is the right thing to do.
It's tempting to choose the angel.

You know that you might choose the devil.
The devil will make you happier.
It's tempting to choose the devil.

And then, sometimes, you don't even know which one is which.

Because, sometimes, the options you have, they're both wrong!
There's no black and white, they're grey.

How do you figure out which decision to make?
When both could be so wrong.

Do you do what's right for yourself, or those around you.
Should you sacrifise your well-being to make someone happy?
Do you do what's right for friends or family.
Which takes priority, your heart or your soul?

And the all important:

Do I will do what feels right to me? The option that will make more people happy? The option that puts smiles on faces.

Or do I choose to listen to people giving me advice? The option that hurts people, that hurts me, but is better for me.

--------------------------------------

THE END.

Thriving Violet

“But we’re friends”
I hated it when she guilted me like that. Sure, we’re friends, but there are some things she wouldn’t understand, even if I told her.
“I know, I know, it’s just…” Tell her the truth, come on you can do it! Say it!
“Just…?” She looked ready to contradict whatever I said
“Complicated” I answered.
She glowered at me “complicated?” she asked disbelievingly.I knew it would be like that. Everytime I try to explain, she dismisses me, sometimes it really makes me question our friendship. But I know she’s just concerned about me, my behaviour had certainly been a little off lately.
-----------------------------------------------

Hmmm,
I actually have some of substance to talk about today.
Inspired by ‘Thriving Violet’.
I know, I know, you guys will get sick of me continually getting blogmaterial from 6word memoir site, but you’ll forgive me, and I will continue to tax it J

Ok, so here is what ‘Thriving Violet’ had to say for herself.
The storm is calming. Or eye?
Very clever, no?
And, although it would have been better in more than 6 words, it definitely gets the point across, the point I am trying to make. Which is: Is my life actually getting better? Happier? Cooler? More fulfilling? OR is this just the middle of something bigger??

Something to think about, no?
Because, today, well… this morning, things were looking cool. I thought that it was all good, that I had nothing to worry about. And then, in class and even at recess/lunch, things started sucking again. And I don’t even know why. So I’m just wondering, is the storm calming? Or is this just the eye?

041108

I don’t know that I was necessarily angry, just, perhaps, a little annoyed. Mainly with myself. Mainly for not knowing how I felt about him.
I mean, sure, he was nice, kind, funny, good-looking, and already in love with me. I just didn’t know if that was enough. I had this habit of giving all of myself, all of the time, and I still couldn’t figure out if I was yet over _____.
And even if I was, did that mean I automatically needed to enter another relationship? In fact, did I really need to care about guys at all?
But still, I felt I had to choose – one or the other. Which one was the best? Which one was the right decision?
“It doesn’t matter!” I sternly told myself aloud. I didn’t need to like one or the other, I could swear off guys for a little while.
“Then why do you care?” I asked myself.

-----------------------------------------------------

Today’s 6 words:
Just a face in the crowd – coulda.been.a.comet

Life is nice right now. I think I’m slowly becoming self-actualised. It’s a good feeling.

Friends: my group is improving, beginning to feel more like a group again, especially this week. I think we’ll be ok, I hope we’re all good by the time camp comes. Some of still have unresolved issues, but I’m pretty sure we’ll all make it out alive.

All outside of group friendships are improving for me. Which is very good. People are getting happier, problems are getting smaller, things are looking up. :)

Family: We’re just as tight as ever. My sis won $24 in Melbourne Cup. Family is bonding over diets (:L) and Australian Idol. Mum’s been working weekends and nights lately, so not home as much as usual, but it’ll be okay, she’s not working tonight… maybe we’ll play cards :)

School: Teachers are piling in homework, which I will do once done here, but I’m starting to pay attention in class. I care about doing well, probably because all my exam marks were so bad. I keep thinking I’m gonna get an okay one, and then BAM! Under 70%. *sigh

Love: not even worth mentioning, but it’s one of the four lives, so I will. Pretty dead, really. Very confusing… I dunno, it just is.

Overall: I'm ahppy, and maybe I don't even have a reason. But I'm smiling on the inside, and that's good enough for me.

6 word memoirs

“Why did you say no?”
He asked such a simple question, but I couldn’t truthfully answer.
The truth would be – ‘because I KNOW that you don’t mean it, that you think you love me but in a few months time you’ll break my heart. I KNOW you’re NOT different; you’ll hurt me too. I KNOW that I can’t live through that again, I’m still broken from the last guy. I KNOW you’ll walk away from this unscathed, whilst I fall apart’ So what did I say?
“You’re too good for me”
I actually think I did a good job with that line, because it was almost true, yet still, the complete opposite of the truth. You’re too good for me because I’m still broken, but I’m too good for you because I know I deserve someone better.
But he didn’t see the lie or the truth, he saw me thinking he was magnificent, that I was unworthy. And whilst that was the furthest thing from my mind, he planted the thought, and from then on, I truly believed he was better than me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, I told you guys briefly about 6 word memoirs, on my last blog, yes? Some of you may have been tempted to check it out and read some cool thoughts, for the rest, allow me to tell you more.
Your life in 6 words. Simple, really, tell everyone everything, in just 6 words.
It’s like postsecret, but shorter. Now, just to get you guys just as addicted as me, I will share with you, some memoirs. Some of the cooler ones:

Sorry, I can only be me.
Just a girl, finding her way.
Hope is what keeps me smiling.
Crying is good for the soul.
I am sixteen going on seven
Life was over. Then you happened.
Listening to music gives me life.
The acne’s a joke, right God???
My day shines; thoughts of you.
There is a reason for everything.
Soon youth will be no excuse.
I'm all about hugs and high-fives
High school: "this too shall pass."
My heart's yours. Make a decision!
“To Santa,
Just him...
Thanks,
Anna.”
No-one wanted to dance with me
Let me pretend you broke me.
I know, I make it worse....
I'm really hoping he is asleep...
You hate. I love. That hurts.
I play my life, a song.
i wished upon a shooting star...
it's only magic if you believe
Once upon a time…never mind.
you care. you're just acting. right?
I like boys. So does he.
Because I think you're my destiny.
Sometimes, it helps to have faith.
He's the mirror every girl wants.
Butterflie were hideous once, have hope.
Without darkness, there is no light.

I know, I know, there’s a lot. But PLEASE read them all, they’re very good, and see if you can figure out which one I wrote ;)

ANYWHO. From now on, ill probably stick a 6-word-memoir on each of my blogs/ use one as name/pm. I like them, they are pretty.

And now you actually know what I’m talking about when I use them.
So, make an account! And add to them!!
And see if I use yours ;)


Im out!

{{ dont know what to put here }}

"Are you...serious?"
Thats not exactly what I meant to say, 'are you for real?' 'are you crazy?' 'are you TRYING to hurt me?' they all seemed a little more appropriate, but hey, who am i to cause trouble, right? im not the one to hurt others.
im the heartbroken, not the heart breaker. im the one who falls for all 'those' lines, the one who thought he was for real when he said 'i really love you', 'ive never felt like this about anyone else before'. im the jerk. the one who just wanted him to say that he was kidding, 'no, of course im not serious, i love you' yeah, im that naive.

"im so sorry"
he didnt look sorry. he didnt look like his eyes felt even a millionth of the pain that was currently pulsing through my every vein. he didnt look like he'd ever regret it, or wake up tomorrow morning crying because hed done something wrong.
he looked like all the others, he looked like something inside of him was laughing, he looked like he was thinking 'sucker! she fell for it!' but he definately didnt look sorry.

-------------

dunno what im gonna do with all that gab at the top of my blogs.
put it all together and make a story? hmm, would you read it?

i like expressing myself like that, its easier, than telling people how you feel.
which im not all that good at. except on this blog, and on my 6-word-memoir account.

AHEM. i feel that this random post is the perfect opportunity to introduce you (or reintroduce if you already know it) to the one blog i cannot live without. the blog i check on almost everyday because IM THAT SAD! and shes that good. she thinks the same way as me, recently met up with the 13 year old girl within her upon her discovery of twilight, and uses sarcasm as her FIRST language, english as her second.
of course, i could only be talking of Tia and CleverGirlGoesBlog.
i love her, really, she is amazing, and funny, and sarcastic, and witty and entertaining, and if she wrote a book, I WOULD SO BUY IT!!
so please, go to her website, it is UBERCOOL.

ok, enough about that, i do actually have some things that i would like to say. and i choose to take a further leaf out of amys book, in writing to these people via numeros.

Person 1
i now read your blog everyday
ur not close to me
ur close to my friends, weve just never been put together so we dont really know each other
your blog inspires me
cuz theres a really small chance that you know exactly how i feel
i just like to know that there can be a happy ending...or something like that

Person 2
i wanted you to be my best friend, truly
i joked about it, once, about how close we got, and then i started ignoring you
it hurt me
it felt like the the right thing to do
it really hurt me
i want us to be close, i know we can, we can fit perfectly together. you know me better than all of my group put together, because we always talk D&M, and youve seen my heart, more than i wanted you to, but im glad you saw it, now you know.
im sorry for ignoring you, i wish to now piece our friendship back together, we just, have such strong foundations, and no idea of what to build.

Person 3
im sorry. because i have this feeling that you blame me, and i dont know why.
i feel guilty, and i dont know why, did i do something?
would you tell me if i did?
would you care if i felt remorse?
im trying to remember what it is i feel guilty about, but im coming up blank.
im very sorry if ive hurt you, because i feel i have, and i AM truly sorry.

Person 4
noo, im not really your biggest fan at the moment.
ive had something ive been trying to tell you all week.
and weve talked. goodness, have we talked!
but not once about me, and now its too late, i have yet again suffered in silence, perhaps like i should have.
i dont want to go all woe-is-me, but i thought i knew you better.
i thought ud care
or at least notice that i was writhing in pain.


Person 5

im sorry, i didnt mean to tell someone else something that was so personal to you and people you love.
hopefully youll read this, and know i mean you.
i am truly sorry.
i dont think that helps, because i did upset you.
but i NEVER meant to hurt you.
PLEASE forgive me.

True Love, and the price to pay

“You don’t get it!” Now I was pissed, this was so obvious, how could he miss it? “You left me broken! Shattered into a million tiny little pieces.” Okay, it was a little overdramatic, but I was trying to make a point. “And then I found him! And he actually put an effort into piecing me back together again. I felt good again, I felt almost happy!” That was a bit of a stretch, than again, maybe it wasn’t, maybe there was a point where I crossed into happy. “But he was falling into the same trap you had me in, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke him too.” Only a matter of time before I lost my friend, my closest friend and my best friend.

Now I realise that maybe I let him get too close. Actually, no maybe, I let him get too close. I shouldn’t have. And in the end I didn’t break him, he broke me too. Maybe it’s something about me.
------------------------------------------------------------------

You know what I realised??

I’d give it all up.
Everything.
My entire perfect life.
All of it.
Everything I’m thankful for everyday.
I’d let it go.

What for, Ebony??

For a storybook life.
You know the one, no friends, your parents split up, only child, barely getting by at school.
And him.
But the rest don’t matter, you’ve got him.

That’s what I want.

EVERYONE READING THIS!! I would give you up.
For true love.

I think this is an irrational feeling
And I’m sure in a few hours, I won’t feel the same.
I’ll touch back down to Earth.
Realise how good I’ve got it.

But until then…
As much as I love you guys…

I just want one person I can curl up next to, and tell everything, not have to keep secrets from. Someone who loves me, understands me. Someone who allows me to understand them, who lets me try, and succeed. I know that doesn’t make much sense, since none of you guys can see in my head. But I want that person so badly.

And although I spend a lot of my life running away from growing up, I think I’d like to grow up enough to meet that person.

So before I come to my sense and delte all of this, I'm going to post it. Maybe my perfect person will read it, and come find me :)

((Oh, and the stories at the top, I don't know what that's all about, but I like them, so I'll probably keep writing them))

RaNdooM

"You dont always have to be there hero" I whispered to him, smiling weakly. Of course he knew I was just trying to distract him, but did he know that I meant it?
"I know." He turned, his face desperate. I could see that clearly, even in the dim light "But sometimes, I just don't want to be the villain"

...


I DUNNO!!



...


ok, so i am.... confused

yes, good word.

"This is a little piece of hell, right in the middle of heaven"

My life, a few days ago... yesterday?

Today??

ALL GOOD.
I realised, this arvo, I'm happy again.

That emo but not feeling is gone!! =o=o

And I just feel like shouting it.

Maybe it was exams doing my head in? All I know is that now I can relax!!

CCCHHHIIILLLLLLL.

And tomorrow... read eclipse.