Happy First Birthday

Hello sunshines,
It's me again.
Bored.
Again.
Dont' really have much to say.

Today is my blog's frist birthday. YAY!! *waves balloon around*
I find it very awesome that I've kept it for that long.
I mean, such dedication!
And it's been so much fun too, this whole blogging thing.

You know, I started it on Lisa's birthday. Isn't that interesting?
And I didn't even mention it was her birthday. Isn't that mean?
But yeah, IT'S LISA'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!
(That made up for it)
And it's Hunaiza's birthday too!
But she os only 15.
And Lisa is 16!!

Speaking of birthdays, tomorrow, Noha turns 15. *Pinches cheeks*
Anyways, that is that.

I am seriously soooo bored. I have been playing solitaire.
I went smithteening, but no one's really on.
No one's on MSN either.
Wow, I am really pathetic.
I guess I should go now...

Wish you were here =)

Imagine.

Now that I have your attention. (such extreme measures, i know)
I am blogging. Well done for noticing.
I am blogging because I should.
And I'm sure I actually have something to say...
And if I do, we shall discover it.
With pictures!

(Note to readers: Today I reached my 100th post of 2009! Which I totally forgot to celebrate. Shall this be the belated birthday?)(Thankyou Mango for bringing that to my attention)

Hello little sunshines.
And welcome to the world of Ebony's mind.
Thankyou for all being my sunshines.
I know that sounds very silly.
But I truly appreciate all of you and your little glows.
The beams of light that comes of all of you and make my world glow.
Many people ask me why I'm always so happy.
The secret is: you.
My sunshines.

I think I am perhaps a person of poor taste.
At least, that is what everyone tells me.
Although it's true. I can never see ugly.
I find that so weird.
But tell me, what is ugly?
How can something be ugly? (other than the colour pink)
What makes it ugly?
I don't really understand.
Why does one thing have more beauty than another? (unless we are speaking of tyson ritter, in which case it is acceptable)

That gives me hope.
And reminds me of my English story.
But it makes me smile.
And believe in something stronger than myself.

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have" - Alvi.
Well, you know what I want Alvi? I want you to catch the bus on the last wednesday of term so I can see you one last time before holidays. But that's not something I have, is it?
Getting back to the point of the picture. I like being able to see sparkles in everything (gosh, maybe i'll just be crazy for the whole post) (its such a luna lovegood mood)
go away reality. i dont like you very much. the people in my head are much nicer to me. =)

and maybe some things will never be okay. maybe there are some things that can never be forgiven. and somethings that will forever remain problematic. and maybe im not ready to forget everything just because youve decided that i should.

but i survived it. and that means more to me than your pathetic attemts to make me forget it. i am stronger now. i wont break so easily next time.

i know that i never let anyone take photos of me. and i know im tarnishing my memories. but i never ever forget anything, and i dont need photos to help me. my blog documents everything :L

from here...

i want to make more people smile

i want to make someone's day, everyday

i want to learn to love myself again

i want to learn to love everyone else

i want to be there for someone

i want someone to be there for me

and that will all happen.

because i get to choose.

i totally volunteer to do that.

you aggrivate me so much.

how can someone i care so much about do that?

'ungrateful' was the word i used

and i was right

you have so much... look at all your friends

but we're not just here to help you out

it would be nice if you returned the favour

and you know, if you could stop making us feel bad about ourselves...

that would be nice too...

that's just so true.

i like things in circles.

and things written in highlighters.

i.e. most/all of my 'Dream.' artworks :L

i should put them in circles...

today... my favourite song is... "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield =) I don't know what that says about me. Interpret at will.

Yesterday it was "Fallin' Apart" by AAR.

I remember the Friday night dinner at the grandparents. (how Gilmore girls). Every Friday night we would go over. A perfect meal would be prepared. We would all catch up. Everyone would laugh and smile, and, being wogs, we would eat (Note: this is how all wogs bond, over food). We would all sit at the huge dining room table, and this would be its only use... other than Christmas. My grandparents would smile as they watched their beautiful family. And then we would all play cards. Well, the adults. And when my aunty lost, as she would, so early, she would come and tell me and my sister a story. I still remember the stories, about the animals in the gardens. And then "i wanna go on an adventure".

I remember how my Dad would come back so happy, this was the only time he realy got to see his family. And I remember how much Mum hated those dinners. "It's such a hassle" she would say. "every Friday night, it's so inconvenient".

And eventually the dinners stopped. The Christmas celebrations moved to the children's houses. And the dining room table sits there. All alone in the room that is never used.

(This is very long and boring. I'm sorry if you read the whole thing)

(It makes me wanna write a story about a dining room table)

=)

No explanation necessary.

=) I told you all my secrets too...

~Break those pillars down!~

For my 200th blog post (you guys didn't even know my blog birthday was coming up, did you?), I've tossed up a lot of ideas. I've thought of some sort of refleciton on how far I've come since my first post, or even since my 100th post. But no, I've decided that today, I am going to inspire myself. Or at least try to. Here goes nothing. (It may actually turn out to be nothing)

Nothing's ever going to be perfect.

Your mind and your heart will never agree on everything.

You will never be certain if it is the right thing to do.

Do It Anyway!

Because life is too short to question everything.

In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime.

It's the difference between the path you walk,

and the one you leave behind.

It's the gap between who you thought you were, and who you really are.

It's the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future.

And the world will throw you a few surprises.

Fate has a good way of doing that.

And when you make up your mind about everything,

God will laugh in your face and change the rules.

You just have to stick to it.

Always, stick to it.

Life is short, eat too much chocolate.

Because, at the end of the day,

it doesn't matter if you're a little unhealthy

Everyone's gonna die someday...

The best you can do is die happy.

There's no returning,

I keep comparing, you're always winning

I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted

If everyone was told the world was gonna end in 5 minutes,

everyone would pull out their phones.

They would ring their parents,

their children,

their best friends,

and the people they love most in the world.

Confessions of love would be made worldwide.

The world is not going to end.

And love has no place in our world.

So people keep it inside,

and people burn.

Here's what I do:

I think too much

I drive myself insane

I make up ideas in my mind

I try to understand complexities beyond my comprehension

And I never do anything about it.

And when I do, I stuff up.

But part of me wants to stuff everything up now.

So when it gets to the point where it matters,

there's nothing left to stuff up.

And I get it right.

I have my doubts that this is what I've lived for.

This strange warp of the real me, and the me I pretend to be

OK, so it's not entirely a pretence...

Actually, it is now

Everything's a pretence now

And I have no idea why the hell everything stuffed up.

But it did.

Shit happens.

I'm always gonna try again tomorrow

Because, otherwise, I'm just giving up

And sure, I've always been a quitter

But I'm gonna change that

Yesterday, I made a wish for everything to stay the same

After every wish,

for everything to change,

I finally want it to stay

Not that I'm happy

Just that I know it's gonna get so much worse.

Can you imagine the beauty of such a world?

A world of kindness?

When everyone was nice to each other?

Let's ALL be nice to each other

OKAY?

No, that will never happen

People will always have prejudice

People will always fight

But people will always smile

Some dreams never get realised

Some hopes never get their chance,

Some aspirations hide away, and

Some wishes are never spoken

Then again, some fires never burn out

I cannot change the world; but I can change myself!

No one looks at the sky enough anymore

I do a lot of looking at the sky

I do a lot of wishing

Sure, I'm crazy,

sure, I'm a dreamer

But I smile more than you

And maybe I'll never be as happy as you

But I feel infinite

And until you look at the sky

You'll never know what that's like

And there are a lot of people who never knock down my walls

There are a lot of people who are kept away by walls

Break them!

If this blog has taught me anything,

it's that I don't mind people seeing my mind

I want you to ask questions

I want you to tell secrets

Because it's us against the world

And I think we can win <33

And I am a lot of things

I think my drama assignment taught me that

Sure, it made me realise the things I hate about myself

It made me realise that I don't know myself

But it made me realise what I'm not

So I'm that little bit closer to discovering what I am

So I'm going to love myself

And I'm going to love everyone else

Even the ones that don't love themselves

And I'm going to teach you all a lesson about love

And I will love you unconditionally

And I will love myself unconditionally

They say "treat others as you would like to be treated"

Don't you deserve the same treatment?

Failure to conserve small truths

For my 100th blog, I keep thinking of all these things I could post about. I can’t seem to choose the best one, so I figure I’ll just add them all in together. Warning: Blog could be very crazy.


Ok, you know last post, I asked everyone to comment, to delurk? Thank you =) You guys are awesome! Anyways, I’ve decided that I’m going to be more encouraging towards comments. I like them, they make me feel like people appreciate the shit on my blog. So, do we all remember the post I did forever ago where I told you what to comment? (If no, click the link you idiots) Well, I’m doing it again, I’m telling you what to comment with. (I’m so bossy aren’t I?) (Too bad, it’s MY blog, I can do what I want)
Today, I want everyone to comment with a secret. A sort of postsecret sorta thingy. You can post it anonymously if you want (Actually, please do!) And I might comment too… maybe… Anyways, I like secrets, we all remember this, yes? Goodie. Well, tell me your secrets, oh the joys we will have.

I'm not going to care anymore. I have a rule, I'm not allowed to use "backspace" when blogging except for typos. If I mean something enough to write it, I have to post it, this could be a very interesting post. My sentences won't make sense. And I'll say things I'll regret forever. How exciting!

You know when you’re smiling so big that you start laughing. Laughing so much you start crying?
Amy made me smile that much.
I like it when she does that! No, I love it! She told me I was her bestest friend! BESTEST.
(You're smiling right now, aren't you Amy?)

...I get this little tingly feeling inside everytime you write my name. Like, by using it, it means you care about me. Even though it mean the opposite, cuz I still can’t say your name, and it hurts a lot to write, and I’m in love with you.

Yes, there, I said it. I am in love with you. Every part of me aches for you more and more each day. But it feels nice. Right now, at least.

I feel like a little girl when I think of you.
Because you make me believe in love.
Young love.
When things can make sense
And the world is yours for the taking
And when you have that boy, everything is okay
And you can conquer the world if you want,
But you don’t
You just want him.
Forever.

See? It makes you wish you loved me too, doesn’t it?
Because I made it sound so beauteous.
Because I didn’t mention anything about how it is very wrong of me to love you. And how everyone around us can tell just how wrong it is. I didn’t mention that that boy doesn’t love me nearly as much as I love him. I didn’t mention that I’m never allowed to talk to him.
I only said the important stuff. That I never want to spend a day without him by my side.
But I will, everyday, for eternity.

I feel small.
Small, in a good way. Like, I don't have responsibilties anymore, things just are.
Who wants to be small with me??



"Hope" is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops
at all

My guardian-angel is out getting coffee. - Magikal Wisdom

Actually, she's not, she's just otherwise occupied, and I do forgive her for having more important things to do than look after me, I just miss her a lot.
I still carry her on me when I need her. Most people ask me what she is, I say "my guardian angel", I never tell them more than that, I can't tell them more, or they'll think I'm insane. Either that or they'll feel sorry for me, and I don't want their pity, nor do I need it, I am not upset by her anymore.


Did anyone see the moon last night as she sat along the horizon? She was honey coloured, and beautiful. Not that ishe isn't always beautiful, but I love watching herchange.
I have taken ownership on the moon. Seriously, I'm gonna put a flag on her saying "Ebony is cool", and then everyone will know that she is mine.
Oh yeah, and I don't call her "it" like most people do, I use "her". She is my Luna.

There were sounds, in my head.
Litle voices, whispering.

Hmm, I think that accurately portrays my current emotional state. I seriously have voices in my head. Some of them are singing (no really, there's ALWAYS music playing in my head), other voices are telling me what to do, other voices are describing everything around me, so that I understand things better. And then there's the voices that think in tune with me. The ones that say these words as I write them.
I would love to rid my head of all of my little voices. They are so very distracting. And yet, I appreciate all of them in their own little way. I'm developing a sort of fondness for them, especially the ones that speak with my voice.
Do you guys have voices in your head?
If so, how many? And what do they all do/say?

Now, do we all remember my loving obsession with The Corrs?
Didn't think you'd forget that easily.
OK, well, another group who go VERY CLOSE to being as good as the Corrs are the Eurythmics. I trust that you all have no idea who they are, because I know that you don't listen to good music. I can't be bothered to link you to Eurythmic songs, but can't you just youtube them? Yeah? Good! You go do that. I'll wait.







Oh yeah, if you guys are wondering where I got all these pics from, uhh well... See, I'm not clever enough to go look for them myself, so I stole them. Mainly from Karen and Lizzie's blogs. Oooh, and I found some on smithteens. People use them with their memoirs.

Ehe, I have 10 more pictures left... and I'm running out of things to write (OK, so I ran out of things to write 5 pictures ago, and starting fishing for inspiration). I really have to go soon, though, I sort of have a packed weekend, you may have noticed I've been AWOL for the last 2 dys, and though I no longer HAVE to post everydy, I still like to. Wow, no wonder this post is so big.

I’d do it for you, you know. I’d try so much harder. I see you, sitting there, all alone; you have no one to talk to. You look bored. I try talking to you, but it is too hard, why should we put such effort into conversation? So I will learn for you, and one day (if I’m not too late), I’ll be the one talking to you, when everyone else isn’t. I know what a big smile you get when you see me trying to learn. Well you know what, I’m gonna try even harder for you. I love you, never forget that.

I have infinite words in my head. They all are dying to escape. I won't let them. I don't know why. Why do I still hide a part of myself? What am I scared of? What's the worst thing that could happen??
Actually, my head just answered that, now I have to do as it says, because it is my head. Hmm, am I writing with my soul then? If my head is otherwise occupied?

Ok, attention everone reading. SMILE!!
Did you smile?
Please smile for me.
Just turn your mouth a little at the corners. No, don't grin like an idiot, really smile!!
Yeah, like that.
THANKYOU.

You see, a smile is a beautiful thing. If you smile, and someone else sees it, and they smile, then it keeps going, and soon everyone is all smiley, and then, the world gets happier.
I like that idea. The idea of making people happy. Of makng people smile.
I like the idea that people are happy and smiley.
Ok, never mind, I'm crazy.

5 pictures left.
and yet, somehow emotionally drained.
no thoughts left for them.
Here, another blogsecret:

My sister was sexually abused.
She told someone about the abuse, and made it stop.
She did what I couldn’t do.
She had the courage to be honest about the abuse, and all that I had was shame.
I didn’t want to be different or damaged. I didn’t want my world to be turned up-side-down. I wanted to pretend it never happened.
I didn’t want it to be real.
I didn’t support her, acknowledge her pain or help her though the healing process.
I wasn’t on her team, I wasn’t her best friend, I wasn’t honest and I wasn’t brave.
This is my secret.
This is the remorse, the regret and the guilt I carry with me.
Sister, I am so, so sorry.This is my secret.

Don't bait him, Ebony, you should know better than that by now.
And don't laugh at him, when he takes it.
Don't laugh at his compliments either, no matter how funny you find them.
Play nice.
And be truthful.
Always.

Frightened of mirrors, glass, cameras, self.

Tomorrow will be my greatest adventure.

Just trying to figure myself out.

Don't like life. What's plan B?

Need to stop crying over you.

I think about you too much.

Trying so hard to stay strong.

Please stay alive for another day.

Now love hearing "Love Song Dedications"

Of course, not a blog could go by without mentioning my 6 word memoirs. Those ones are a bit recent though, so I probably shouldn't haven't posted them. But I can't backspace them *shakes head* my new rule sucks!!

You know I've been posting this since 8:30.
No, really, it's taken almost 3 hours. I mean like, I've done other stuff too. Some of which I've mentioned. But 3 hours is a very long time. Then again, it may be another hour before I finish, even though there's only one picture left. I want to write something nice. Something that sums up everything. What I REALLY need is a song. A song that fits. But I won't be able to find one. How frustrating.
I tell you what, I'll think of something and add it in later, this is taking too long.





PS: Remember your comment with a secret! :)