Finale!

It’s sorta sad that this is the last day of NaBloPoMo. Because I know I won’t have this same dedication later, and I’ll only blog a few times a week. So I’m gonna put everything into this blog. I’ve never done that before. Cuz you know, sometimes you get writers block, and I couldn’t have that during NaBloPoMo, so I always saved some topics for me to talk about another time, just in case. But not anymore. Here goes nothing:

I got my friend into SMITHteens – edyka

OMG. ThrivingViolet favourited me 21 times!! (So what if I counted? She’s one of my idols) And I “Inspired” her!!! OMGSH!!!! How cool is that???

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by Thriving Violet:

Bryan – 3
Amy – 5
Shai – 2
Me - 21

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by Coulda.been.a.comet:

Amy – 1

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by October:

Amy – 1
Bryan – 1
Me – 1

And I’m one of October AND Thriving Violet’s fave writers
OK, so you’ll probs figure out who I am by now…
But that’s okay, I think I can live with that.

Oh my gosh, at work yesterday, they made me serve BY MYSELF. :O:O
Like, they let me loose on the public, I had no buddy.

I got there and they’re like “Have you ever served by yourself before?” Me: “No…” and they’re like “Have you ever served at all?” And I’m like “For two hours” and then they just said “Go on the register opposite Logan then” (he’s the dude who ran multicultural day performances)

So then I served by myself. And I stuffed up soo much. Like, I kept scanning stuff a gazillion times, and far out! Our stupid system doesn’t have red grapes! How can it not have red grapes?? My first customer had red grapes, and I had no idea what to do!

And some guy stole a passionfruit! Seriously, he put 3 passionfruits on the counter. I served him. And as he walked away, I saw he had another one in his hand. Like what the hell?? What does it cost, $2??? How could he not pay me for the bloody passionfruit?? Far out!
And then at the end, I had to a clearance and a spot balance, and I’m like wth is that??

But I survived! And I had fun! And I had some really cool customers. Like these firemen that payed with only $1/$2 coins. And it was like, $26! And this old guy who was really nice. And then later he went up and complimented me, so now my boss is really happy with me. And like, 10 people asked me why my name is Ebony. So I told them my mummy saw it on TV when she was pregnant. (:L)

So yeah, that was work yesterday. Oh, and Logan left an hour before me, and then I was all by myself : And I STILL survived! :):)

OK, so here’s one of the blogsecrets I was talking about the other day:

I’m at a loss for words. Well, I’m blogging so I guess not really, maybe it’s just that I don’t know how to put it into words, or if even should. Last time this happened I couldn’t sleep for days. So now I’m watching Harry Potter III.

I wish I could use the ‘ridiculous’ spell and turn you into something that I hated, couldn’t stand, didn’t want, wasn’t even attracted to. But that’s my trouble, you are those things. You’re arrogant, unfaithful, chauvinistic.

Everything I hate about men in general. Yet I look past it for ten quick minutes, then go back to hating you. Just so you know.

Yes, it’s a short one compared to some of the others. But I figure if we start small, you’ll be more likely to read it.

I feel like putting some crazy on this.OMGSH! I don’t have any crazy on my computer. I’ve never run out before. : How can I live without my crazy???

Poem:

A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.

Quotes:
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Yeah, I guess that’s sort of a little bit crazy, no?

And now I’ll go back and add pictures into it. You love my pictures, don't you? :) I'm feeling happier now.

I love reading 6 word memoirs. Especially the happy ones. And then writing emo ones. And then reading more happy ones. It's like, inhaling beauty and exhaling ugly. I'm purging myself of all bad thoughts, so I can make room for the happy in me. Problem is: it can be so hard to find the happy ones, and you have to sift through all the emo ones, and then you even more ugly thoughts in you.

I feel so determined to change everything. To prove how easily happiness can be achieved. I know that I always reread my blogs. Especially when people comment, I'll go back and read the whole thing. I like to cheer myself up for when I reread it. And I like to cheer up my readers. I know how nice it is to read happy blogs. But more than that, I want to be honest. Maybe, by only putting my nice thoughts here, I'm losing the honesty in my blog. Am I? Or is it okay to tell only half the story?

Here's an honest moment:

Everything is about him, just as it shouldn't be, but of course it is. That's how I prioritise; completely out of whack. But, there's some little possibilty that I can see his side of the story; that maybe it doesn't make a difference if he never loved, maybe it changes nothing. I know, I've fooled myself in the past into thinking I like someone, cuz I find out they like me first. And it's not like that changed things for me, is it? Besides, if he never loved me, it means I didn't really hurt him that much, and that certainly eases up the guilt.
And still, it's all about him. I know he ruined me yesterday, I remember how I felt, and yet, I can forgive his so easy? Why am I talking about how he made me feel guilty? Shouldn't it be the other way around? But it's not, because he is still everything.

And back on topic:

Ebony rules!!

Hehe. Me, Amy and Bryan are taking over smithteens :L. So far, 46 memoirs straight, just us 3. It's so cool! And then, like, we're talking on MSN, and not even mentioning it. It's so weird.

Holy shit.

My library of music is on random.
And I just got to Amazed.
It feels like it's puching me. Each beat of music.
My chest is getting weaker and weaker.
And then the pretty music comes in, the violins, and they sounds like they're sawing something, me?
Punching's getting quicker, but not as strong.
Now it's in time with my heartbeat, not the song.

And now, it is finished.

And I'm putting myself back together again.

Jeez, and I used to just feel nauseas.

Ok, I'm sorry about that. It was really freaky. Like... I could feel myself being destroyed by a bloody song.

Ok, and moving on...

I feel like I have a reason to smile.

I don't know what it is.

But I feel it there.

I'm gonna share some more 6 word memoirs. Some of the best. But I'm only using the more unknown authors. The ones that have one-hit wonders. No Bubbles, no soulcages, no October, no coulda.been.a.comet, no esalamy, no J600y, no ThrivingViolet, just the obscures.

don't kid yourself. you saved me. – caramabelle135

Beginning of my story starts now. – skittles

Never meant to fall in love. – Jade.

I always colour outside the lines. – feigning

He’s taken but I’m in love – ashxsanta54

no distance is too far, love. – on yr radio

I stood crying in the rain. – hithink

You caught me when I fell. – Eralyn

Somewhere, someone else is reading this. – Roschach

where's my undo button in life? – Lavender_notebook815

i convinced myself you were perfect – wakexup14

sitting here wishing i was okay – whereya@?

I just need a hug, damnit! – Groar

I'm a teen and I'm happy – simplykay43

I'm not sure I can anymore. – murx

There you go, I hope you enjoyed that. For more of a 6 word memoir fix, go here, and flick through the archives. And enjoy! ++I'll have more for you soon. Maybe some more famous ones too. I think I'll do some blog dedications to the awesome people who make my life even more awesome.

Hehe, I'm listening to Addicted to you - Anthony Callea

Omgsh, it's getting me so happy. Just the beat. And singing along crazy!!

Whee! Bout it!!

Hehe, love music!

I love that my playlist can do this to me. I mean, sure, you get the crappy songs that make you feel all shit, but you also get the ones that make you feel awesome.

My Top 10 songs that I've heard today with my playlist on random (In no particular order):

1. Bout it! - Yung Joc

2. Addicted to you - Anthony Callea

3. I don't remember - Powderfinger

4. The Zephy Song - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

5. Light up the sky - Yellowcard

6. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

7. I really want you - James Blunt

8. I'm just a girl - Bachelor Girl

9. This Aint A Scene - Fall Out Boy

10. Stacey's mom - Fountains of Wayne

Eventually, the blog must end, and I must eat breakfast.

Although, by now, I should just move on to lunch.

Anyway!

Farewell readers, who know, I might not post for another 2 days!!! :O:O

Then what will you do??

When you have relied on my blog so much for so long!!

You: Uhhh, yeah.

Oh, it will feel so weird, not to blog. How will you ever survive??

More to the point, how will I ever survive??

But I did it!!

I blogged everyday for a month!!

Sometimes more than once!!

I look forward to taking up the challenge again next year.

Ps: I hope this post adequately ended NaBloPoMo

PPS: It will be so weird, not to tag my blogs with that anymore...

I like colours

I’m back to normal again (I think). I was just soo pissed that I had to blog. I’m scared if I read it again, I’ll get pissed again. Hmm, how weird.

Ok, some random things

Uber uber congratulations to OCTOBER and THRIVINGVIOLET, who wrote sooo many 6 word memoirs, they filled an ENTIRE ACCOUNT, and started new with October (the sequel) and Thriving Violet – continued.
And a little congrats to me, who found myself favourited on 2 peoples profiles today, yay!

++ ive started tagging my blogs.
Ive gone back to the beginning and started adding tags to things, seemed like something I should do, eventually.

I’ve tagged with things like: NaBloPoMo, 6wordmemoirs, friends, family, love, life, etc etc.

Now, I’m sure everyone appreciated all my random thoughts yesterday, and did you guys notice how happy I was?? Yeah, I’m working on getting back to that. Music helps. And distractions (i.e. work, which is where I will be 5-9pm tonight, visit me anyone?)

OK, I don’t know how prominent you guys are in the blogosphere, but just in case you live under some sort of rock, I just thought I’d tell you about BLOGSECRET which took place on November 18 (I would have done it if we weren’t at camp).


The rules were these:
1) Write an anonymous blog post. It could be about anything that is a secret. Work. Family. Affairs. Crimes of the heart. Crimes of the street. Recklessness. Accidents. Hate. Bitching. Whatever it is that you don't want to share on your own blog. Or under your own name.
2) Email Nilsa your submission no later than NOVEMBER 15. In this email, make sure to include the name and http:// address of your blog.
3) On November 16-17, she emails you someone else's post. It will be stripped of all headers, email addresses and other potentially identifying information. She will not reveal the identity of anyone else's submissions.
4) On NOVEMBER 18, you publish the submission sent to you over the weekend- this is someone else's secret- and yours is on someone else's blog.

Quite simple really, just a way to get out your secrets, and it was a huge success, with 79 bloggers participating. Go here for a full list of participating bloggers, and read through to find the blogsecrets, they’re really raw and emotional, and worth the read.

I’ll probs post some for you guys cuz I know how lazy we all are.

Oh, and here, how cool are these quotes:

I didn't think it was possible to out-queer figure skating, but look out! Here comes ice dancing!

And you can't break a gay man's fingers. Because then how would he sew.

:L:L I found them at Things My Boyfriend Says. And yeah, they’re cool.

So… I know this morning’s blog kinda sucked and all. But that’s what happens when I go all moody, it’s sorta funny really. Hmm, the me of this morning wouldn’t be very happy that I’m laughing at her, would she??

See! I am schitzo.

OK, here are some “hopeful” quotes/song lyrics/random errant thoughts:

Lost my shoes. Found winged sandals. – wolfgirl

When I first met smithteens, that was the first favourited memoir. Even now, it seems so special, because back then, being favourited was such a great honour. I think I missed the beauty in it originally.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale CArnegie

That makes you wanna keep trying when you lose hope. I guess that’s something I do a lot, lose hope. I’m so very melodramatic, when something good happens, the world is perfect, and when something goes wrong, suddenly it’s all over.

Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light. – Dorothy Thompson

It’s such a clever idea, no? Fear representing the unknown, and light being knowledge.

What if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? – Jane Wagner

Now that’s a little scary. Cuz at the moment I’m sorta all moody.

Once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. – Bill Cosby

Yeah, laughter is the best medicine, and smiles make things happy. Thankyou to everyone who was talking to me this morning, and made me laugh/smile/happy.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. – Oscar Wilde

Sure, he may be the only reason I look at the stars, but at least I’m dreaming big, right?

Eskimo proverb:
Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.

Now there’s a beautiful thought. That love really shines that bright. That people we love still exist within us.

You know… it must take so much strength to be atheist. I can’t imagine life, having nothing to believe in. Remember when I posted all those memoirs the first time? And I said I wrote one of them. Yeah well, it was “Sometimes, it helps to have faith”.

There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

I think maybe life is a miracle. Maybe it really means something.

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.

I think this morning, I was taking comfort in the fact that things had to get better, and look! They did.

Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope

With this, I beg to differ. Without hope, one curls up and lets misery eat away at them, but they still survive, even though they would feel better not to.

I'm not crazy, I just believe – melissaaa

Yeah. And believing makes all the difference, doesn't it?

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We'll find a place together
Fly on my wing

See, you're happier now, huh?

Everything.

ok, if i dont blog. then i totally die at NaBloPoMo. But it's all stormy, so I should turn off my computer.
If I don;t get a chance to get back, on, then this will do.
Uhhh, dunno what to write.
Far out, go back through my blogs and click on a link, that'll give you something to do.

here, ill just put a quote:

Charlie: What colour are my eyes? (turns around)
Kevin: (Talking to her back) Well, at first glance your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. And if you look really close around the iris, the colour is pure honey. But when you look into the sun, they look almost look green. That's my favourite.

___________________________________

Later that day:

Part 1:

6 words: My life's a string of lyrics - soulcages
Song lyrics (you love me, trust me, and you'll forgive me for this):

ABBA:
One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night

As I held my breath, the world stood still, but then he just smiled

Taylor Swift:
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Anna Nalick:
I shine a little more lately

Michelle Brach:
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?

There’s a will
There’s a way
Sometimes words just can’t explain
This is real
I’m afraid
I guess this time there’s just no hiding

And I’ve heard that you can’t fight love, so I won’t complain

Delta Goodrem:
Hearts that don’t love can’t be broken

Part 2:

6 words: Love comes in many different ways. – Tinkcmc16

Oh, and, have you guys heard the song ‘OK, Here’s The Truth’?
It is soo cool.
It’s about this guy who has a feeling that his wife is cheating on him, when she comes home late from work with bad excuses, and in the end, he finds out that he was at the doctor, and she’s dying. And now, he doesn’t care anymore, he just wants her to be OK.

There's a look on her face
She's starting to master
And she carefully closes the door
She's been coming home late
With pre-packaged answers
To questions she tries to avoid

Now she's talking too fast
And I just have to ask
Baby what's all the cloak and dagger for?
Okay here's the truth
I ran out of gas
& I didn't call cause I thought you'd be mad
So I started to walk
Took an hour and a half
To get off that highway and fill up that can
I was hoping that you'd understand

She's getting good with the lies
So good that you'd wonder
If the rabbit in the hat tricks for real
She turns water into wine
And I'd almost believed her
If her eyes just for once could keep still

Now my patience wears thin
Cause she's late once again
Honey tell me what delayed you this time

Okay here's the truth
It's gonna sound kind of strange
But I took a new way home from work for a change
It started out fine
Til I got to Route 9
Went an hour the wrong way before I realized
I'm sorry I ruined all your plans
I was hoping that you'd understand

And there watching her secretly talking
It is just about all I can bear
Now I know why she's been wearing
More Make-up and caring
So much about changing her hair

The telephone vibrates on the table again
Another damn private call coming through
And now she's visibly shaking
And I just feel like taking that phone
Throwing it clear across the room
She answers “hello”
A mans voice I don't know
Says “it's time that you tell him the truth”

Now I can't take this no more
Honey I'm out the door
No, I won't relaxI got my suitcase all packed
What she said next stopped me dead in my tracks

Okay here's the truth
It's not what you think
The man that you heard is head of oncology
I'm sorry I lied
To you all of those times
I didn't know how to tell you
I might not survive

Okay there's the truth
I've got six months to live
Only wanted what's best for you and the kids
I promise I'll fight
With all of my might
But if I lose this battle
I lived a good life

So baby just please hold my hand
And tell me that you understand

Part 3:

6 words: My angel can fly without wings. - ThrivingViolet

And on an unrelated note:
So yeah, I did it. Well done? I dunno, it feels like I’ve done something wrong, why do I feel guilty? I thought I was doing the right thing, I put so much thought into it, and yet…
If I just got an answer, maybe I’d feel better about it. I mean, you still checked, so that means something, but you haven’t… said anything. Ugh, I hate that you mean so much to me, it’s so degrading.

Moving on.

Part 4:

6 wors: The stuff that enters my mind... – hirokee
Life is really happy. I just need to not think too much, and I need to smile. It helps, you know, smiling. And focusing on the positives (i.e. friends, creating connections, Christmas coming, school almost over) And 6 word memoirs. They always help.
And love.
And imagination.
And beauty. (i.e. me :P)

And jokes, teasing, mucking around. (i.e. lisa/corinne)
And sentimentality.
And using big words (i.e. sentimentality)
And emotion.
And story telling.
And childishness. (i.e. enjoying big words)

And talking things through.

And learning together.
And smiling together.
And teaching, learning, experinecing.
And understanding.

And happy music, and peaceful music, and just all cool music.
(i.e. It’s not easy being green – Kermit the frog)(:L)
And quotes. Quotes make things good.

And poems.

Here’s one by Amanda Bradley

Follow your dream...
Take one step at a time and don't settle for less
Just continue to climb.
Follow your dream...
If you stumble, don't stop and lose sight of your goal
Press to the top.
For only on top can we see the whole view
Can we see what we've done and what we can to
Can we then have the vision to seek something new
Press on.
Follow you dream.

See?? My craziness makes me happy. No wonder I’m always smiling :L

Here, this is from Karen’s blog:

"I believe laughing is the
best calorie burner. I believe in kissing,
kissing alot. I believe in being strong when
everything seems to be going wrong. I believe
that happy girl's are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day,
& i believe in miracles."

Hehe

‘Don’t ever ask me for reasons why I live for you. I just do.’

Drama/stress

Today’s word: trepidation
What it means: alarm or agitation
Why I care: I saw it in mX. (Yes, I got mX today!!!!! [Of course you’re jealous])

Today’s 6 words: Someone stop me. Shut me up. – October

Okay, so we’re doing our ‘Life on a String’ performance (probably) for our year assemblies in week 9, and all you lucky year 9ers get to watch.
Problemo: we don’t remember our script.

Ok, well, it had three parts, and I remember my part. I also remember Imogen’s part (most of it) and half or Pradeepti’s part (sure, my memory’s crazy, I think it’s my OCD). But can Pradeepti remember the rest of hers?? Oh no!!! She’s so silly that she couldn’t even remember the bits I was writing. *shakes head*

So I asked my sister if she recorded it, cuz I was sure she did. But no… I was just imagining things. So then I sent an email to Mo asking if she kept the script or if she remembers it, and I’ll see how that goes.

And you guys know how I stress, yeah? Like at camp, at the music thingo, I was stressing when I couldn’t remember the songs? Yeah, well, although I remember at least 75% of the script, I am stressing to the max about the rest of it.

_____________________________________________________

I should be writing my English report/doing my Geo thing, but I’m too stressed. I’ll finish Geo tonight, but I dunno if I’ll get a chance to write the whole page for English.
*sigh* Why am I so crazy??

____________________________________________________

Ok, umm, here’s something Jenny said to El in music that was really funny (yesterday)

J: So when’s your birthday?
E: October 30th
J: October… November… October November, it’s passed??
E: You were at my birthday party!!!
J: Oh yeah!!

Lol.

Random shit of the day!

I have a Whole Lot Of Shit to post on this thingy
Like, I've already written the next 10 blogs.
I only need to blog everyday up to next week, so I'm not gonna need em all, so I might combine bits from all of them into this one.


PART ONE:

Found on Miish’s page.

Write down what you want to say to ten people, but never will. Don’t write their names, leave it anonymous and never speak of it again.

Person 1. – You know I’ve been working o building our friendship since the beginning of the year when I first laid eyes on you. I gave up about half way through when you lost interest in playing our stupid game anymore, but after camp, I wanna try again. I know you’d be a good friend for me, and I for you. Please give it a go… I just wanna understand you.
Are you complimenting me? Hm. Interesting. – weasleyswizardwheezes

Person 2. – I think you’re being very selfish about this decision you’re making. It’s not even your decision to make because it influences everyone around you, and you clearly don’t deserve that power. I thought you were a better a person, but you hurt my friends and you don’t care. I’m trying to forgive you, but it’s so hard for me.
Close ones crying – kills me inside. – randomperson

Person 3. – You have GOT to stop being so damn self-centred. Sure, that’s a little hypocritical of me, but I have a blog, so I get to judge people. Life is not always about you, and you should actually LISTEN to people when they’re trying to tell you something, not just talk about your own problems, because when something is wrong, I expect to be able to tell you about it without feeling like I’m impending on time we should be using to talk about you.
this is no fairytale......its life – reneigh

Person 4. – Ok, just a little piece of advice. I don’t want you to let it go. I WANT to talk about my problems, you just need to get me to open up a little. I’m willing to tell you everything, and you know that, but I won’t tell you stuff you’re not interested in hearing. Ask me if you have something you want me to tell you. You know I will.
Tear me open; see my soul. – ThrivingViolet

Person 5. - Thankyou for putting some effort into our friendship, I truly appreciate that. (Not that needs effort, for some reason, it's really natural). That's basically all I want to say, 'thanks', but... I dunno, I'll never say it to you. THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU.
You Make Our Connection Absolutely Right – MirrukuChii

Person 6. - I don't like what you're doing, couldn't you tell that it would hurt her? And yet, you did it anyway. Well that is NOT OKAY with me. I don't know how to stop you, but I will try very hard to find a way because she didn't deserve that!
Everyone close to you, hurts you - ThrivingViolet

Person 7. - I feel sorry for you, but I don't want to. I WANT to tear you to pieces, because I know I have that power. It's weird to feel so violent, but I like it. You don't deserve my sympathy. If I didn't have a conscience, I would hurt you like I know I can. You're hurting EVERYONE I love, and you don't care, because someone hurt you, and you can't deal with it. I do feel sympathetic, but I don't like you attitude.
I hope it gives you hell. – shelled

Person 8. - I can't do it. I know I said I'd put in the effort for you, but I can't do that. I can't because I'm not you, I don't have your will-power or determination to do what you think is best. I know what's best for me, and I can't do it, because I have something you lack, and that is understanding. Sure, I would love to do exactly what you ask of me and never look back, but I won't; because both of us deserve better than that.
Stop talking, stop asking. Just listen. - October

Person 9. - Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a joke. PLEASE don't treat me like one. It's not funny that I get annoyed when I see you, it's not funny when I burn with rage. I'm hurting, and you're laughing, and I don't like it at all. I'm more than that.
I cried, he laughed. Ugh, jerk. – sk8hotti

Person 10. - I know how hard you're trying to do the right thing, I really do. But maybe, you could be more objective. Step outside yourself to do this better, because you're not doing anythig right. In fact, you're all wrong. Change. For me.
Just a girl with some problems. - coulda.been.a.comet

----------------------------------------------

PART TWO:

Regulars.

Today’s vocab word: Abnegate
What it means: To refuse or deny oneself
Why do I care? Because it’s something I should try, I’m too selfish.

Today's 6 words:
You get me thinking. Bad move. – October

Uh, here, just a link to a nice blog post, not an actual blog, just a cute post. http://coloradolady.blogspot.com/2008/11/colors-that-layer-heart.html

--------------------------------------------

PART THREE:

Random

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows, but in addition sees something else: the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” Just something nice :)

And here, I'll write this thing down, cuz it's like, in me, and I always write what I feel. Even though it's irrational, and in a few minutes I have a mood swing and feel different.

Maybe it wasn’t fair on either of us. Maybe it wasn’t fair on anyone around us either, because I know that I influenced them too. But it hurt too much to contain to myself. I guess, I put a lot of myself into creating something beautiful, and I wasn’t ready to give it away.
But after everything, I was left with a torn family, broken promises, and only a piece of something that I used to have all of.
Still like that I guess.
Especially with the family.
And I still remember all your promises. Including the ones you’ve kept. And the ones you broke instantly.
And that little piece that I have… it’s dulled a lot, by comparison. It doesn’t shine as much, and I wish I could give it back, because it belongs to you, not me. Only I can’t give it back, because I’ll never take back mine.

So of course it made us hurt people; when two people are pulling at something that gets cut, they both fall over, and when other people are holding on to them, everyone falls over. At least, that’s the best metaphor I can think of.

There’s really no point to this, other than to convince myself that I did the right. Or at least that what I did was okay, or understandable. I guess, if you did the same thing, I can accept that it was right. But, if I truly believed that, I wouldn’t still be trying to covince myself, would I?

Familylife

Always better with writing than speaking. – coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like writing about something I don’t normally blog about, because it’s a little too personal. But I want my blog readers to know EVERYTHING, so here, read and enjoy:

At least Dad has recognised the problem, but he doesn’t express himself very well. Idiot. She’s so upset now. What he MEANT was that she really shouldn’t be worrying too much about changing the house when the two of them have been sleeping in different rooms for three years. What he SAID was that she’s “too focused on materialistic things” and that she “cares more about the house than the home”.

At least he’s finally realised the problem, right?
Although I’ve only recently come to terms with it. And I think my sister has too, so ‘opening up old wounds’ suddenly has so many different meanings in my life.
You guys don’t realise that not telling me stuff hurts me more.
Sure, you’re scared that if you say something it will cause me to think about it and all the connotations associated with it, but that’s my problem!

I want to know anyway. Tell me anyway. Deal with problems head on. Because Nikki and I have run out of ways to deal with this. IGNORE IT is as far as we've gotten.
I don't know how you want me to deal with this, but you guys had better sort yourselves out, cuz you KNOW we can't just go on like this.

5 things you don't know about me.

Okay, here’s some serious karma for you. On the weekend, my mum said I could chuck a sicky yesterday (as I actually went to school on Friday) and what happens? I get sick! Yesterday and today! Soo not fair, I NEVER jig, how smelly.

Moving on.

Tagged by Amy, but took a while to actually post.

From Amysaurrr to Ebony

[Five things about Ebony that relatively few people or blog readers know:]

1. Ever since I started my blog, I love telling people secrets, now I keep hardly anything to myself, I tell you guys everything, if you read my blog, you’re in my head. I give you the opportunity to see everything, it's up to you to take that opportunity and understand me.

2. I fall in love a lot easier than you guys realise. Because I only tell you if it becomes big (i.e. overwhelming or semi permanent). But there are about 20 guys in our grade who I have, if only for a few seconds, fallen for. (I would name you them, but at least 2 read this blog, and at least 5 are complete idiots)

3. I relate better to people who have experienced depression. This is because they understand me when I get moody, or when I have things I need to tell them about. I often fall into depression, especially when spending time by my self, or in some sort of personal crisis.

4. I’m ashamed of many different parts of myself. These are the parts I joke about the most. Like, all my jokes about being cool and awesome are because, in primary, I had really really low self esteem, especially since people were always putting me down. Now that people agree with me about being cool, even if they’re kidding, I feel better, so I joke about everything that hurts me. It does actually help.

5. When people tell me they love me, I go all warm and fuzzy inside. Even my family, who tell me multiple times each day, make me feel special when they say they love me. I think that’s because I’m more of an honest person now, and it feels nice to understand how people feel.

Uhhm, tagging Uyen, Allan, Lizzie… you know what, no one reads my blog. If you’re sad enough to be reading this, I tag you!

Random. I'm sick, leave me alone.

Today’s vocab word: Abhor
What it means: To loathe/hate
Why I care: Allan used it in his poem :) and I was curious… ta da!

Today’s 6 words: Happy endings are just unfinished stories. – LoveMeEasy

I was watching star dust today. So beautiful, but it ended with the words “happily ever after”, and that made me cry :P weird, huh? That something so beautiful can also be a reminder of how ugly the world is. Okay, okay, I’m going all DNM again, I’m very sorry, I’ll just leave it at this: stardust is cool :):)

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OK, I’m gonna go now
Because I’m sick
And if there is ever a time that you should be relieved from prioir NaBloPoMo commitments, it is when you’re sick.
Ciao

Quotes

Ok, so I was surfing the net (as you do), and I stumbled across a compilation of quotes. If you guys give them a chance, they’re very good. (I know, I know, they’re all about LOVE, but it's my birthday, so I can blog about WHATEVER I WANT).) Read, and enjoy.
{{Half have what they’re quotes from, the rest, meh}}

Hearts will be practical only when they are made unbreakable
The Wizard Of Oz


Heartbreak is agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on, and you can't breathe... you don't want to eat... you can't function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel, and the worst part is, there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture, and you know that it's yours for life.
- Dawson’s Creek

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- When Harry met Sally

"And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older,
'cause we never really had our closure, this can't be the end.."
- Hinder, better than me

"Sometimes things don't turn out the wayyou want them to. Sometimes the peopleyou choose to believe are wrong.Sometimes there isn't a good guy and a bad guy.Sometimes even the ones you want to believe turn out to be liars. The first boy is always the hardest to get over. It's just the way the world works."--Ashley, THAT SUMMER, By Sarah Dessen

TRIXIE: "It's crazy, right? To love someone who's hurt you?"
JANICE: "It's crazier to think that someone someone who hurts you, loves you."
-The Tenth Circle

"Don't ever cry over something that wouldn't cry over you." -Laruen Conrad

True love is felonious. You take someone’s breath away, you rob them of the ability to utter a single word. You steal a heart.
And there's a part of me that still believes if you want Superman to show up, first there’s got to be someone worth saving.
-My sister’s keeper

After all -- people die, computers crash. All we can do is breathe and reboot.
--SEX & THE CITY

The puzzle is my heart and the final piece is you

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle feel in love with a hideous beast, Jasmine married a common thief. Ariel walked on land for love and life, Snow White barely escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat, and tears, because love means facing your biggest fears.

It's funny how you go through the year and nothing seems to change but when you look back, everything is different. It's amazing that no matter how much we tell ourselves that we won't change for anyone, we always seem to. And no matter how much we say we won't care what they think about us, it's the number one thing on our minds. If you look at how I used to be and you look at me now, you'll realize I'm not the same girl I used to be. All of this shit got to me. I've always avoided fights. I make jokes instead. I tell people what they want to hear just to avoid confrontation. I pretend to want things I don't want and I pretend not to want things I do want. No one gets hurt except me. The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want. I just know I want it to be easy... And sometimes it's easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it's easier to be numb towards certain people so I don't let them get too close. Sometimes I'm scared, but when I act numb towards *you*, it doesn't mean I don't care it means I care too much.

Boys. They’re so stupid. Just when everything is perfect, they turn around and do something so idiotic, so horrible, and they crush your entire world. The guy you thought was the only one that was worth something, that was not like the others, well, you drop your guard, and you see him standing there, with a grin on his face, a sign around his neck, saying “I’m just like the others. You just didn’t see it, until it was too late.”

If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you're going to stay, then stay forever. And if you want to leave, then do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk, please mean what you say.

People think that if you love somebody hard enough,
then everything is just going to work out.
well, people are wrong.

"&& i really wish you'd come back.
Not to say hi, or to tell me how good you're doing without me;
just to stop by, and to give me the one thing of mine you never returned:
my heart."

Time has moved on.
You've surely moved on.
Everyone's forgotten about us.
So why can't I?

Now that I know what I know,
I know that I will always love you.

And you say you're over him, but you can't deny it.
As hard as you try to undo that knot of love,
you can't untie it

Do you know the most surprising part about heartache?
It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart, or a head-on car wreck, it should.
Because when a person you've promised to cherish forever says, "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You should have to wake up day after day after that.
trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.

its no use,
trying to forget about you.
because every time i hear that song..
you come back to me.

People say you have at least
5 dreams per night.
That's like 2 thousand dreams a year.
So at least one of those
Has to be about me..

There`s that occasional night
where you just break down & cry,
cause you know that no matter what;
things will never be the same.

Maybe thats what happens,
you fall in love to fall apart,
and yet you'll always want to
do it again.

it's funny how the sweetest things
are the most forbidden.

Funny how time changes, but feelings don't

Please don't pretend that nothing happened
that you never stopped for a second glance
don't wish we had never met
when all I can do is think about you
don't pretend that your heart didn't skip a beat
or that your stomach didn't do flip-flops
and for my sake please dont forget me.

he landed smack in the middle of your
world, and turned everything upside down
until you were addicted to his smile,
his voice filled your dreams,
and everything that didn't make sense
before is all of a sudden perfect.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

Do you ever wonder? I mean about us, what happened? It's almost like our relationship was a piece of paper ; crumbled up and thrown away. What would have happened if we didn't throw it away? Maybe we would still be together, maybe not. Or maybe we secretly haven't thrown it away yet. We're saving it because someday we hope we can pull it out of our pockets and rekindle what we once had. It's that we don't want to lose what we had, but we know it's already lost. I wonder that a lot and I wonder if you wonder sometimes too.

He doesn’t know what’s right.
She doesn’t know what’s wrong.
She only knows the pain that comes
from waiting for him so long.

the second chance means nothing if nothing was learned from the first.

Ebony's a Working Girl Now

ok, so as some of you know, on Thursday, I went fora job interview, and on Friday, I was told I got the job *throws party*. So on Thursday at 5pm, I have my Induction, before then I need a bank account, TFN, uniform, and I have to fill out some papers.

Bank account – on Monday/Tuesday, I caught the train to Livo and was picked up by my mummy + sister, to go to the Commonwealth Bank to get us both bank accounts. I OFFICIALLY have $100, oooh, I am soo cool.

TFN – Yeah, I picked up the forms at school, but never really got around to filling them in. But that’s all right, they have the forms at my work (!!), so I can do them later.

Uniform – My mum/sister/both will pick up my top during the week, whilst I am at camp. But on Saturday, I bought:
· Skirt (really pro looking, and very long. My mum wants to shorten it)
· Shoes (really comfy, and pretty, I like :))
· Pants ( they’re ¾ cuz I couldn’t find the normal ones that I liked in my size :P).

Papers – Meant to fill them out before Monday, but they haven’t been organised, so my mum/sister can go fill tem out on Monday when I’m at camp, and then they’ll get my signature on Thursday.

++ I CAN go to madd night!! :) Cuz that was meant to be my induction, but then it was moved to this Thursday so ALL IS GOOD. :)

Lousie Rennison

OK, you guys may or may not (say, if you’re noob like Corinne) heard of the movie Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging{http://www.angusthongsmovie.com/intl/uk/}, you have? Oh goody. Well this movie was based on a book, do you know what that book was called?
Angus, Thongs and Full-frontal snogging. (No, I do not know why they changed the name). This book is part of a series, Confessions of Georgia Nicholson. We all up to speed? OK.

This series currently has nine books:
Angus Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging
It’s OK, I’m wearing really big knickers (In USA, ‘On The Bright Side, I’m Now The Girlfriend Of A Sex God’)
Knocked out by my nunga-nungas
Dancing in my Nuddy-Pants.
…And That’s When it Fell Off in my Hand (In USA, ‘Away Laughing on a Fast Camel’)
…Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers
Startled by his furry shorts
Luuurve is a Many Trousered Thing (In USA, ‘Love is a Many Trousered Thing’)
Stop in the Name of Pants!

Anyways, so reading the Confession books, I discovered a whole new way of life. Seriously, her vocabulary alone is completely out there. I leant Corinne one of the books durig roll call last week, and she couldn’t understand half of it (:L). Sure the books have the occasional “sheer bonkerosity” or “red-bottomosity”, but they are VERY good, and worth the read. Here, I’ll be mean/cool, and give you guys a teaser of ‘Dancing in My Nuddy Pants’ (opening paragraph):

“I’ve just seen a sparrow quite literally washed off its perch on a tree. It should have had its umbrella up. But even if it had had its umbrella up, it might have slipped on a wet leaf and crashed into a passing squirrel. That’s what life is like. Well, that’s what my life is like.”

Look, ok, I'm at camp and I have nothing else to post about :P

LOVEactually

STOP… wait a second… damn you missed it.
I was happy!
Like full on, goofy smile happy!!

Yeah, it went away. Now I’m content. But I was happy, for, like a split second. I love that I'm happy, I love that HE made me smile by saying we're just friends. Man, I LOVE being happy.

Hmm, I actually want to blog about Love Actually, but then I went all happy and interrupted myself. But it’s okay, I forgive myself.

You know, I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but Love Actually is the world’s most coolest movie. You know why? Cuz it doesn’t have a happy ending. Wait, no, it doesn’t have a PERFECT ending.

Cuz they guy whose secretary loved him even though he was married still doesn’t have a perfect relationship with his wife.
And the guy who fell in love with his best friend’s wife still doesn’t have her, even though he thinks she’s perfect.
And the guy who is a ‘has-been’ has realised that he’ll never find love whilst he’s got his manager, and he’ll never have another hit song.
And the guy whose wife died at the beginning of the movie is still never gonna be the same

But through all of that, it’s happy. People smile, and people laugh. It’s not perfect; it’s a lifetime away from perfect. But everyone can still be happy.

I LOVE that movie!! <3

Surviving Myself

6 words: Laugh loud, dance retardly, don't care – march hiker chik94

Ok, I know, I know, I’m directing you guys to all kinds of sites, introducing you to 6 word memoirs and CleverGirlGoesBlog, and even linking you to Postsecret. But I have an addition to make to that growing list.

His name is Chris. And he is a fabulousamundo poster from Surviving Myself. Now, I know you guys are probably too lazy to just check out that link, so I’m gonna try and put as many teasers here as possible so that you start to read the blog everyday, just to see if he’s written something funny, become obsessed, like me! (Y) {{each teaser is linked to the full blogpost}}

OK then

1. Osama must’ve been one hell of a Hide n’ Seek player as a boy, one of those kids who would hide so well that you’d eventually just give up and go home for dinner

2. I do not like goodbyes, in the “I’m too lazy to say bye” kind of way. Instead of acting like A Normal Person and saying a quick “see you later” to all who are with me, I simply bolt for the nearest exit, disappearing into the night like a crackhead stealing a pair of socks.

3. I like to consider myself The Best Driver In America. I don’t even use my blinkers because I change lanes so swiftly that they are a waste of my time. You’ll be sitting there, still marveling how we “Made amazing time!” when suddenly we’ll be parked perfectly

4. *talking bout wheres wally* Think about what it must be like to be friends with that guy.You’re hanging out, having a good time, you turn your back for a second and the dude is gone. AND he always wears the same damn clothes. What’s he trying to do - be funny?

5. I am an expert Uno player. The best? Perhaps. Better than you? I would bet my first born on it. Come and challenge me if you feel you have the skills, but I must warn you, it will not end well for you.

6. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but there are men out there at this very moment with their shirts tucked into their underwear. I was alerted to this phenomenon this morning when I was getting ready to leave the gym. I looked up from tying my shoes and there was a guy stuffing his shirt into his underwear. I wonder what exactly this person’s life entails that it made him decide that an extra layer of security was absolutely necessary to keep his shirt in line. Maybe this person just gives an inordinate amount of high fives.

7. Well, it’s official. I’m getting dumber. I’ve thought this for awhile, specifically because I can’t seem to do simple division. But now that there has been a study released stating that drinking shrinks your brain, I have all the proof I need.

So go check out awesome Chris’ page. Go on! You know you want to.

141108

Attention ppls in 9M/E:
you know how we share our link period, yeah?
well this arvo, shiri/aash/hunaiza and me was talking on the bus about 9E/R class swapping todays, and we thought, why dont we turn up for the wrong periods for link?
just to annoy the hell outta kearney!!
cuz he always has the wrong roll anyway :L, and we like aggrevating him =D.
you in?? well talk more later, but it seems like a fun idea :)

Attention all year niners:
if kearney brings his pink/blue stripey shirt on camp, will you guys help me burn it???


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i said id blog happy on the weekend, so ive still got one day left.
but today, i realised, i am happy.

i dont care which option is right or wrong, im just gonna follow my heart, and let the chips fall as they may.

today, i shall begin my happy blogs, with more about the 6 word teen communtity.
yeah, i know, i know, im getting annoying, but i love these guys so much.

so here a some 6worders:
I'm smarter than your average nut. - coulda.been.a.comet
Not shooting star, just a plane - coula.been.a.comet
My Prince Charmings' around here somewhere... - soulcages
Reading Twilight; A Novel Experience (Chuckle.) - soulcages
Meet online, love before first sight – ivealwayslovedher
Rejection taught me to love myself. - small and on a search
Didn't fit in. Stopped wanting to. – coulda.been.a.comet
Never thought it would be you. – iamaspen
Even I don't completely understand me. – ThinkTink7

ok, thats it. :)

on a side note:
I guess, I never before realised how much the smithteen society relied on each other. I mean, sure, we’re there for each other, and we write for each other, but we’re also so close. We pick each other up. Although we have our most prominent writers (e.g. Bubbles, October, coulda.been.a.comet), we have other writers too (e.g. the 3 people I inspired to create accounts) and we all comment, and support each other. We’ve become a sort of family. I’m beginning to get worried that I’ll run out of words, and end up with nothing to share. I’ll rely on their words to get me through, just like some dormant writers rely on ours. I want to be able to give, as well as take. I’m so glad I’ve got them.

Now guys, for real, if you’re relying on my supply of 6wordmemoirs, STOP! Go to the site! Even if you’re just there for 5 minutes, you’ll become inspired. Create an account! We can always use more writers… unless you’re shit (:L), but if you mean it, and you feel it, we will too. (I LOVE being part of a “we”). Please go, seriously, leave! I only give you the 6worders that apply to my situations, so take some initiative, and go find some words that apply to you. You’ll find out that you’re not alone, and it’s an incredible feeling.

Amazed

I know this song probably still reminds you of her. But to me, this song will only ever be you.
I know I don’t usually blog with only song lyrics. But to me, this song is a special exception.
It requires no more introduction; it is perfection.

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

Almost happy?

honestly, learning your lesson is overrated - coulda.been.a.comet

ive been doing a lot of thinking about right and wrong.
still not sure which is which
moreover, i know which is whichi just wish it wasnt so

I remember you. I miss you - J600y

so, i havent made a decision
thinking that maybe i can will things to change
and the wrong decision can suddenly become right

Screw endings. Looking for my middle - WeirdLoveSynonymous

because i want it to
i need it to
i cant leave it how it is
eventually, things must be resolved.

Through it all, I'm NOT broken - skyye

i promise that sometime this weekend i will blog about something fun
i have some things lined up

like, exam marks!
and, a cool new blog i found
and more 6 word memoirs
and i have heaps more postsecrets
and im maybe getting a job (interview this arvo)
and more on NaBloPoMo2008 (as well as how ill keep posting during camp)
and CAMP!! when i get back
and some sort of commemoration for my 69th blog (=D)

so sometime this weekend (ok, maybe next week), ill show you guys all that stuff
laters!

Happy, almost.

Feeling controlled by this addictive website. – ionlywrotefive

i add memoirs to my blogs far too often.
i check the site hourly.
im CRAZY!!
and addicted.
and finally, not alone =)

make me smile. i DARE you. - ionlywrotefive

i guess i got worse again today. my friends weren't enough to make me happy.
even though i had them for the whole day.
i had too much spare time.
thing about exercise is - it occupies your body, but leaves your mind wandering

life sucks. so we eat cookies – justkharp

im only writing this as a distraction.
if i think, ill get upset. and i dont know how much more i can handle.
"don't think" everyone says that. and sure, it's helpful, just not always possible
ive moved on to daydreaming...
STOP THINKING!!!

cant write if i dont think.
dont know what to do.
post secret??

you been there

more than six words, use postesecret - (can't remember, read it a while ago)

ok, here let me tell you about it.

if you have a secret you wish to share.
you mail it to Frank, on the back of a postcard.
and he puts it on his website.
and then everyone reads people's secrets.

ngaw. and they all live happily ever after.

it's very similar to 6-words, but not just teens, so there isnt the same feeling of community
plus, you can use however many words you want.

it's really quite clever.
Here are some demo postsecret cards. Enjoy!

don't bother.

Everyday I check my email. Over and over and over again. I’m excited when I see I have emails, and then disappointed when they’re not from you. What was I expecting? For you to suddenly say – ‘you know what? You were right, I was wrong, I’m sorry’ – Or – ‘I lied to you, my bad, I’ve never done it before and I’ll never do it again’ – or – ‘maybe we do belong together’ – I sound so desperate, and so stupid, and everything’s just making it worse.

And yet, I feel I have to have a least a little bit of happiness in my blog, cuz after all; I’m doing better than yesterday, right?
So here is a quick overview of my thoughts from this morning.

Self actualisation…
Let’s break that down.

Physical/security needs
Tick and tick! How could I have a problem in this area??

Relationship needs
I have the ninja-est kick-ass friends in the world. My family are all a-okay! My class is getting closer, bonding a bit. My music/maths/IPT class are becoming more familiar, nd people are talking cross room instead of just to their group.

Self-esteem needs
Alas, the happiness of the blog has ended. Because, sure, my self-esteem was right on track, say, last week? But just go along with this hypothetical for a second: Okay, you know this person who never lies, like seriously. Ok, maybe the occasional ‘oh yeah, I’m fine’, but aside from that, Nada! They’re not afraid to hurt you, as long as you know the truth. And they tell you you are amazing. More than that, you’re not a mean person, you’re not a bad person, they tell you things that make you feel good. You believe them, you trust their honesty (OK, so you guys all know how this will end, but just bear with me). And then one day they tell you something that you KNOW isn’t true. It’s just flat out, indisputably a lie. And you discover, they’re just as good a bullshit artist as the next person. Suddenly you realize that everything was a lie, what now? Do you still go along with the idea that you’re a good person, or do you start to listen to the people who can easily identify your flaws? What if everything you believed as true is suddenly a pretence, and everything you treasures ma as well not have existed?

Guys, please don’t feel sorry for me, because I don’t need your sympathy. I’ve surpassed pain, and moved on to anger.
I know that this blog means very little to everyone who will read it. And it means everything to the one person I wish I had the guts to tell about it.
I’m sorry that I’m too much of a coward, and that you have to read through all these blogs I’m writing, simply because I need to vent. I should be writing about CAMP!!!! My birthday, a whole bunch of new, awesome blogs I’ve found. More 6-word memoirs. POST SECRET! I should be making this as fun as possible, or even just writing about my day at school.
But I have to write this somewhere.
I’ve been through this before, but I wrote everything in my diary. I’ve sort of given up on that aside from very small secrets.
I know none of this shit should be here, and if you start reading again, and it’s about ‘him’, you really can just go do something more productive (Have I mentioned 6 word memoirs??).

I’m sorry, but this has to be written, and has to be read. Because it is felt.

(im)maturity

its so weird to see all my friends go through these phases i went through years ago...

like, going all emo, wondering why we bother with life.
admittedly i was a little too immature to deal with that one when it came up
it surprises me that other people have only just come across it.

like, caving in, completely imploding.
thoughts scattered, not that they matter
breakdowns over little things

like, a journey of selfdiscovery
who am i? describe me!
i asked my friends that when i was 10
all they could do was joke...they were too immature to deal with that one

like, losing a best friend
that happened to me in year 3
i guess its why i left my first primary
or at least, thats the real reason
huh. never told anyone that before...

ANYWAYS, the point is...
i truly thought i was immature
that i was behind everyone else, cuz im not really 'teenager'y
buh... its just that ive been there... done that (got the Tshirt!)

so, im not saying im mature (LOL!) or anything
ive just... experienced things...
omgsh, this isnt making sense cuz i cant say what i wanna say, cuz itll sound... stupid/desperate

point is im cool. end of story.

only thoughts in my head.

Really hope I don't love you - ThrivingViolet

Ok, so I was looking at my bebo profile, yeah? And it has this module that asks all these questions. One of them was ‘have you ever been in love?’ my answer ‘once’…

!!!

What the hell? 1. I don't remember even writing that, and 2. Who was I talking about??? I’m really curious now. Everytime I’m in my right mind (i.e. I haven’t watched movie/read book/spoken to any one for an hour)(empathy thing), I seriously counsel myself about love, and the distinct difference between like and love. So, what? Was I just not thinking straight or did I truly believe I’d been in love? Was I? Have I ever been? And if so, with who??
… once
How useless!! What about ‘once… and his/her(in case of MW) name is…’

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I don't think like everyone else. – bsb633

I smiled a lot today. I don’t know whether I was truly happy or just pretending to be. Even when I smiled, I felt this wave of sadness when people asked about you/him/yesterday.

I’ve written about a hundred million memoirs in the past 24 hours, wither in a notebook or on my phone. Most, I’ll never publish… but it’s stuff I’m thinking.
I’m still driving myself insane by overthinking things, but I can smile and laugh with raw honesty. It’s not perfection, and it’s probably not happiness… but I’m a damn sight better than yesterday.