...And now it's too late

The people that run Ebony's mind went insane and this is what happened as a result:

Thoughts of you come rushing back to me, as they always do I suppose. This is where you ride in on your white horse and tell me that everything is going to be okay; you're the only person I ever believe. With you, I could never be sad. And yet, I could never be with you. So, sad it must be, for ever more.



Could it be that maybe it's our first mistake
And Baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
There's a reason why they say that we should give it time
But time is not enough
And that's the reason why
When you're young you fall in love



And yes, I admit it, I am lonely. I don't miss you. I just miss having someone. It feels like there's no one there to care about me now, no one who is completely focused on me. I'm trying to fill that gap, and I know it's silly, but I'm drowning people in myself just to get some sort of reaction, some sort of approval.



I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you



It's like nothing really bothers me anymore. Like, I get annoyed at stuff, sure, but nothing is really a big deal anymore. Which is sort of irritating. I'm trying so hard to feel something, but somehow, there's nothing there.



Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say I feel I no longer have to be James Dean,
and She'll say,
Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you.



So here I am, trying to keep busy with my life, but I don't really have much to do. Which is ridiculous because all year I've been complaining about not having any time. But, seriously, what do I have to do? Homework? Because none of it really matters. Study? But what's the point? (78 people, 78). Work? But I don't even like it, not like I used to. Spend time with family? But when do they even have time for me?



I’ve been down here
Down these roads
People pass through
Some stay some go
Standing here broke
Not a penny to my name
But she says she loves me all the same
I try my best
And you do to
And all you want is something you can move to
Everybody’s gotta get their kicks somewhere
Everybody gotta fit in somewhere



It's quite an invigorating feeling, not having to do anything. I feel as if my possibilities are suddenly endless. I might learn an instrument, or make a friend, or become a better me. Or... get a scholarship? Rofl, I feel like being something greater than what I am (can't be too hard right?)



Just the other day
Somebody said to me
Hey maybe you're just slightly schizophrenic
And a little out of reach my friend
I said 'yes, that's partly true'



that person you were talking about, the person who makes everything gloom and doom, that person might just be me. i'm the catalyst in making your life hell. "i feel like one of those people that's so sad, i can't even be with the happy people anymore, as if i might infect them". -greysanatomy



Wish I could tell you there's a twist
Some kind of hero in disguise
And we're together, it's for real
Wish I could tell you there's a kiss
Like, something more than in my mind
I see it could be amazing



I want so much to impress you. I think the only reason I study so much is because when I do well, you wink at me and say "I'm proud of you", and then you smile the smile that you keep for you inside jokes with me.



Yeah, everybody loves a circus show
But i'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



you didnt think there was anything wrong, or that his death would affect me at all, but you know what? it did. it did actually hurt. and i hate that you cant see that, and that you cant see who i am.



And I always end up regretting not waiting...

The Horrible

Bones break, organs burst, flesh tears.
We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain.
But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science.
No hard and fast rules.
We just have to feel our way through.

"What's the point?
The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in such a horrible place"
"Yes"
"What?"
"Yes, horrible things do happen.
Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings; that's the point."


I am not going to die from the horrible.

ps: happy birthday lisa =) i hope your day was as special as you ;)

Hope.

" You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

---

"Four hundred years ago, a well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone."

I am stepping in.



You are not alone.


...if you don't want to be.

Live it.

Confession #36: I've been waiting till today to cut my nails because my horoscope says if I cut them today I won't lose my vitality.

"You have the responsibility to not remain silent."

"Sometimes I lie without thinking first." – imissyoudearly



Welcome to tomorrow. The day where all your past mistakes are forgiven and your entire future is uncertain. You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday, you didn't really like them that much anyway. Today you get to be whoever you want to be. And you get to make some new mistakes. Mistakes that won't matter tomorrow.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

Sometimes, all you need, is someone to look you in the eye, and tell you you did the right thing. Someone to clap their hands, and tell you that they appreciated the effort they gave. So give too many compliments, but critise the parts of yourself you don't like. Strive, everyday to be a better you. To be the best you. Be who you want to be. Forget what everyone else wants. Live for you.

"You see this O'Malley? I make one mistake with this scalpel and this man's dead. My husband, he makes mistakes at his job all the time. As far as I know he's never killed anyone but I have. And YOU WILL. And Alex did. He made a math mistake and a man died for it. Run that past your accountant - see how he'd feel if every mistake he made, someone ended up dead. You don't have to like Alex, you don't have to care about him, but you damn well have to be on his side."

Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you miss them. Tell someone you can't stand the way they treat you. Leave someone. Find someone new. Stop putting up with crap, and demand better. Every day. Every day is allowed to be the best day. Today is the best day of your life. You just have to believe it.

FearLess

Confession #27: Sometimes, I tell myself off for missing you. Then I realise that it's ok to miss you. People will leave; it's allowed to hurt me.

"If you believe in a god and you are correct, you will become an eternal moment of radiance. If you don’t believe in a god, and a benevolent god exists, the same applies.
If there is no god, and we are alone on this spinning ball, then you will return to the earth and slowly become a part of everything. Every breath. Every tree. Every flower. Every cloud.
Every word.
You never need to be afraid."

"i told you the truth. scared?" – cornn

No muscle bound man,
Could take my hand,
From my guy.
No handsome face,
Could ever take the place,
Of my guy,
He may not be a movie star,
But when it comes to being happy,
We are,
There's not a man today,
Who can take me away,
From my guy.

Sometimes,
all you really need
is someone to tell you that
everything is going to be okay.
And I can tell you from experience;
everything
really
is
going
to
be
okay.
You have nothing to fear.

You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Look at me. I'm happy. I'm... me. I like me. I actually like me. You'd be so proud of me right now. I know you are. I know you're watching me and my life, I know you're there to help me when I have to make decisions. I know you're there, and you're proud. Because I'm me. And I'm proud of me too.

"A wise man once said – “You can have anything in life if you’re willing to sacrifice everything else for it.” What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose. Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick sides….or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

But, see, here's the thing. It doesn't matter. None of it. Nothing matters. We all secretly know that everything is going to be okay. That we have a certain destiny, and, one way or another, we're going to get there. Maybe it will take us a while. Maybe, we'll get a little stuck on the way, and we'll have to ask for directions. But we'll get there. We'll all get there someday. So it doesn't matter.

But does it make me a bad person?

Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.

“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”

"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?

I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.

I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.

I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.

Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.

Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.

OMG! AMY'S BACK!

Confession #55: However immature, and worthless it was; it existed. And I can't just forget that.

"I feel like shit. But at least I feel something"

"I over analyze. Therefore, I am." – small.still on a search

All you need is love.
And blogs.
And as I have been offline (=O) for a few weeks, I have had a few blogs to catch up on.
And I thought I'd share the beauty of some of them with you.

STORM by "Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
( Teaser: "Love is what a rainbow sounds like, when it refuses to fear the storm.") (This blog is beautiful guys you HAVE to go read!!)

THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET OFF by "I Wrote This For You"
(Teaser: "You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.")

SLEEP by Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
(Teaser: " You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.") (Ah, but at the end of the day, there are parts of the dance that make it worth it, aren't there?)

I'LL WATCH THE SUNRISE WITH YOU by "Confessions of a Candyhol!c"
(Teaser: "Piglet: "How do you spell love? Pooh: "You don't spell it, you feel it."")

ON BSG, MICHAEL BOLTON & A LITTLE TEAM CALLED THE COLTS by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "I took this week off from blogging. I’m pretty sure the responsible thing to do is to let people know you are taking time off, rather than drop off the blogging universe") (Sound like me, anyone?)

TELL ME I'M NORMAL by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a robot.") (Yes, Brandy, you're totally normal!)

Her man is one I admire
He's so courageous but he's constantly tired
Each time when he speaks his mind
She pats his head and says, "That's all very fine
Exert that will of your own
When you're alone
Now we'd better hurry"
And with no trace of hesitation she keeps going

Head over heels
Breaking her way
Pushing through unknown jungles every day
She's a girl with a taste for the world

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

...Responsibility, it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Maybe if I just continue to steal blog material from other sources, I'll never have to think for myself. And I'll never have to talk about how I feel; admit to myself everything that's wrong.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm currently happier than ever in my life before; I'm just a whinger (wow, and a big fan of semi-colons today). So I, naturally, find things to whinge about. Well, the voice in my head likes to tell me everything that's not good about me and my life, and remind me of stupid things I really don't need reminding of.

Life is a little sunshine and lollipops at the moment. Which is pretty fantabulous. Except, well, little things that I can't really mention. Things that are pretty stupid because I mean like, honestly, it was pretty obvious, wasn't it? And there used to a day when you'd actually notice that sort of stuff but I guess that day has just passed for you.

Not that I'm bitching.... or anything... <>

Not too long ago, on smithteens, we made a list of 100 reasons to smile, which sorta turned into 369 reasons to smile. So now, I'm just going to share a few of them with you. Just in case you need to smile.

13. Drawing something and having it turn out well
55. Air guitar in your underwear when everyone's asleep.
75. Jumping into the ocean with your clothes on
99. Hitting the button to cross the walk multiple times
111. When your hair decides not to do some funky thing.
122. Offering the police some donuts
137. When you suddenly look nice one morning and you have no idea why.
181. Lightsabers
200. Geeky pickup lines
217. When your friends notice something’s wrong
228. Listening to a song that speaks to your soul
279. The perfect pair of jeans
323. Stickers
357. Guys who do really girly things
367. Realizing you never completely gave up on yourself.

So, yeah, I've only been writing for 2 hours, haha. I'm gonna publish this.
Smile.
Ebony loves you!

Tell Me Why.

Confession #5: I'm scared.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

"When you smile, I will smile." - CobbleStone

And you might think i'm bulletproof, but i'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why..

Break

Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.

"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages



Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.

Ride it out.

Confession#34: It's all worth it.

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

"To hell with Photoshop!
You're beautiful."
- theliterarybulimic



Hmmm.
I feel a lot more relaxed today.
But I don't wanna go to work =(
I feel like listening to music.
I feel like listening to every song ever made.
Because, right now, I don't want to feel like me.
I want to feel like someone else.
And it's not that I'm not happy.
I actually am.
Which is why it's weird.
But, you know, shit happens.
In fact, this happens a lot to me.

...I miss school.

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."