Inspired by Brandy
sweet over salty
Alex Day over Charlie (really Ebony, really?)
beef over chicken
early over late
everything over pink
the herald over the telegraph
boys over girls =S
dogs over cats
Graphmatica over Geogebra
too much over too little
high expectations and disappointment over low expectations and delight
boots over heels
bludgy over being active
school over work
blogspot over facebook
tomato sauce over bbq sauce
moonlight over sunshine
saving over spending
ice cream over chocolate
ncis: la over ncis
olives over ice cream
blogs over books
Newton over Galileo
texting over calling
spiderman over superman
iTunes over Limewire
unsw over usyd
words over pictures
good news week over the news
Mark Harmon over Michael Weatherly
half full over hlaf empty
creativity over conformity
pro-life over pro-choice
The Sims over Mario
mascara over eye liner
physics over chemistry
Kevin over Julia
too hot over too cold
you over me
Showing posts with label things you don't know about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things you don't know about me. Show all posts
Saturday, 30 October 2010
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Whelmed
"i just wish i could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and just goof on tv shows and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business."
This is my four hundredth post.
Which is quite an achievement. Considering I rarely blog now a days.
But I've been through lulls before.
I think I'm just overwhelmed.
Here's a series of Things You Don't Know About Me that you don't care about but might read anyway.
I've always been the lover, never the loved. Now that I'm the loved, I'm scared I'm going to break you in the same way that they broke me. And I'm very sorry if I do.
---
My Dad has never watched state of origin by himself, he's always watched it with my grandfather. Now that he's gone, I want to be there for him. That's why I'm mega pissed that we'll be on camp for origin 1. I don't care if we get a tv, or get to watch it. I don't want him to be alone.
---
It makes my day when you walk past, catch my eye, and poke your tongue out at me. You always seem happy to see me, even though you barely know me. I feel special.
---
I wear the necklace you gave me to work everyday. I feel like it's the only thing keeping me close to you. And I don't want to let go.
---
Mum told me that she thinks I could have done better for all of my half yearly results. All of them. I wish I could stop being a disappointment.
---
Watching the last ever episode of Gilmore Girls changed my life, because I will never be able to hear those words spoken to me. Never, because you are gone. And I didn't realise what that meant, until Emily said that to Rory.
---
I feel like I'm letting down everyone important in my life at the moment, simply by being me. I want to change, but it all feels so huge and overwhelming and it feels like there's nothing I can do but watch my life go by, along with everyone I ever cared about.
---
Lately, the only person I've been able to relate to is B'Ellana Torres.
Friday, 12 March 2010
Get to know me.
I've had this for ages, since Amy did it. But I waited till Rosa and Candy did it to be inspired enough to actually post it.
I am a morning person.
I am a perfectionist.
I am an only child.
I am Catholic.
I am currently in my PJs.
I am currently pregnant.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
I am left handed.
I am married.
I am addicted to MySpace.
I’m shy around the opposite sex.
I bite my nails.
I currently regret something I have done.
When I get mad I curse.
I don’t like anyone.
I enjoy country music.
I enjoy jazz music.
I have a car. (I haven’t paid for it yet, so I guess it doesn’t count? Even though it lives at my house and I drive it everyday :L)
I have a cell phone.
I have a pet.
I have at least one brother or sister.
I have been to another country.
I have been told that I’m smart.
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humour.
I have had a broken bone.
I have caller ID on my phone.
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I have had surgery.
I have killed another person.
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I have had the cops called on me.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn’t.
I have kissed someone of the same gender.
I have mood swings.
I have rejected someone before.
I have seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I have watched Sex and the City.
I like Shakespeare.
I love to cook.
I love Michael Jackson.
I love sleeping.
I love to shop. (only at coles =D)
I miss someone right now.
I own over 100 CDs.
I own over 100 DVDs.
I own and use a library card.
I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream.
I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
I sleep a lot during the day.
I strongly dislike math.
I think Britney Spears is pretty.
I will try ALMOST anything once.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I can name all seven dwarfs from Snow White.
I am currently wearing socks.
I am tired.
I am currently waiting for someone.
I lost contact with someone.
I hate Miley Cyrus.
I think Party In The USA is catchy.
I’d date Harry Potter.
I can name all the past presidents of the
I know who was president before George Bush.
I love pickles.
I need the internet to live.
I prefer vanilla over chocolate.
I watched Star Trek.
I watched all six movies of Star Wars.
I own an Xbox.
I think music is life.
I. Music (BOLD THE ONES YOU LIKE)
Acceptance. Coldplay. Dave Matthews Band. David Bowie. Foo Fighters. Hellogoodbye. The Killers. James Blunt. Teddy Geiger. Linkin Park. Muse. Ok Go. Panic! At The Disco. Peter Bjorn.The Postal Service.Timbaland. Jack Johnson. Norah Jones. Drake.The Fray. The Wreckers. Michael Buble. Beyoncé. Metallica. Massive Attack. Queen. Journey. The Cars. Supertramp. Eurythmics. Sublime. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Wu-tang Clan. Fergie. Sarah McLachlan. Band of Horses. John Mayer. Jason Mraz. Justin Timberlake. Michael Jackson. Kenny Chesney. Carrie Underwood. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Neil Young. The Beatles. Brad Paisley. Tim McGraw. Taylor Swift. P. Diddy. Jay Z. Lil’
II. Movies (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE SEEN)
Pride and Prejudice. Glory Road. The Princess Bride. Goonies. Center Stage.Ocean’s Eleven. Seven. Newsies. 300. Robin Hood Men In Tights. Love Actually.
III. TV (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES)
ER. Grey’s Anatomy. Saved by the
Saturday, 13 February 2010
But does it make me a bad person?
Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”
"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?
I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.
I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.
I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.
Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.
Friday, 29 January 2010
Break
Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.
Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.
"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."
"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages
Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.
Friday, 1 January 2010
Terrified
I'm so sick of those early morning phone calls.
They all scare me.
The urgency in your voice.
How frantic you sound.
The fact that you don't want to talk to me, only him.
I always answer.
You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
But I doubt I ever will be.
People tell me you're overreacting.
But I know what it's like.
Sometimes they don't
But I've received those phone calls.
I can tell now.
I am terrified.
They all scare me.
The urgency in your voice.
How frantic you sound.
The fact that you don't want to talk to me, only him.
I always answer.
You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
But I doubt I ever will be.
People tell me you're overreacting.
But I know what it's like.
Sometimes they don't
But I've received those phone calls.
I can tell now.
I am terrified.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Free.
Confession#18: Usually, when I get alonetime, I cry. Today, I've been smiling. Thanks for crying with me today. xD
"I think God was drunk and on high when he thought up me"
"I love you. Don't walk away." – Random Ninja
Okay, yeah, I disagree with everything in that picture. =L
Anyways.
I have a feeling that todat is an important day in my life. Because today, everything worked out. Without having any actual schoolwork to do, I managed to successfully balance the other three spheres of life.
And today, I was happy. Things have just been looking up lately. I think Christmas just makes me happy. (Sorry for celebrating Christmas before your birthday darling D=)
I feel like I have the confidence to be me lately. I don't have to lie about who I am, or pretend to be anyone other than myself. I am allowed to love who I am. And I love that about this new me. But I still have the feeling that I'm not the girl I used to be. And she would hate this new me. But she hated herself as well, so maybe she's just difficult to please.
I feel like I can breathe now. I feel like all my troubles have gone away. I think thast resulted from the conversations I've been having lately. I don't feel guilty about anything. I have nothign to hide. Admitting things to myself has been a big help with this. I love feeling so free.
*rare moments of honesty*
#1: it's really quite simple actually. you made me cry. he makes me smile. the choice was obvious.
#2: i want to tell you everything so you can tell me i have nothign to worry about. but what if you don't?
#3: i tried to spend more time with you lately. i hope you notice.
#4: you can say whatever the hell you want to me about my poor attitude to life. but i still smile more.
#5: i still want you to involve me in your conversations. you still hate me. i think i hate you now too.
#6: i think he was right about you and me. not totally seriously, just in a nice, funny way.
#7: when i wake up in the morning, i try to think of ways to make you proud of me. i know that you watch me throughout the day, and please know that you're still alive in my heart. in an ironic way, your death has brought us closer, and i love you more than ever now. i wish you could see me today, i know you really would be proud.
Wish you were here.
"I think God was drunk and on high when he thought up me"
"I love you. Don't walk away." – Random Ninja
Okay, yeah, I disagree with everything in that picture. =L
Anyways.
I have a feeling that todat is an important day in my life. Because today, everything worked out. Without having any actual schoolwork to do, I managed to successfully balance the other three spheres of life.
And today, I was happy. Things have just been looking up lately. I think Christmas just makes me happy. (Sorry for celebrating Christmas before your birthday darling D=)
I feel like I have the confidence to be me lately. I don't have to lie about who I am, or pretend to be anyone other than myself. I am allowed to love who I am. And I love that about this new me. But I still have the feeling that I'm not the girl I used to be. And she would hate this new me. But she hated herself as well, so maybe she's just difficult to please.
I feel like I can breathe now. I feel like all my troubles have gone away. I think thast resulted from the conversations I've been having lately. I don't feel guilty about anything. I have nothign to hide. Admitting things to myself has been a big help with this. I love feeling so free.
*rare moments of honesty*
#1: it's really quite simple actually. you made me cry. he makes me smile. the choice was obvious.
#2: i want to tell you everything so you can tell me i have nothign to worry about. but what if you don't?
#3: i tried to spend more time with you lately. i hope you notice.
#4: you can say whatever the hell you want to me about my poor attitude to life. but i still smile more.
#5: i still want you to involve me in your conversations. you still hate me. i think i hate you now too.
#6: i think he was right about you and me. not totally seriously, just in a nice, funny way.
#7: when i wake up in the morning, i try to think of ways to make you proud of me. i know that you watch me throughout the day, and please know that you're still alive in my heart. in an ironic way, your death has brought us closer, and i love you more than ever now. i wish you could see me today, i know you really would be proud.
Wish you were here.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Miss me.
Confession #13: I just realised that I haven't blogged all week and thus broke my new years resolution. In bloody november =(
"The average person tells 4 lies a day, or 1460 a year a total of 88,000 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is: I’m fine."
"They say I'm like my mother......" - katielea
Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.
I feel like stuffing a huge pillow in my face.
Or whacking myself over the head with something.
I feel like hiding, actually.
Because everything is so much bigger than me.
And I am so small.
I don't even matter.
I'm trying so hard to be better, to do better, to act better.
I'm not so sure I even know what IS better.
What am I comparing it all to?
...what the hell am I even doing?
I know that.
I know they're not the best.
I just don't know what I want from the best.
I don't know what I want from myself.
I don't know where I'm going.
And I don't know who I'm taking.
But you're all welcome to come along for the ride.
And then you mention something that you've been hiding the whole time and there's nothing I can really do but cry because you didn't trust me to know in the first and you definately don't trust me to be able to help and I thought that maybe I was actually good for you but now I realise that I'm exactly what you don't need and nothing I ever do will be good enough for someone as beautiful as you and I know I'm not worth it but I thought I was because I've always put all this effort into doing the right thing before I realise that what I'm doing is wrong and it's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in and in the end I know I'm just going to end up lonely.
I don't even know who would miss me at this stage.
Everyone seems so happy to just walk away and leave me here.
I think people just assume I don't need them.
Because I don't tell them everyday like I used to.
And I want to tell you all how much I need you.
But I'm so embarrassed.
To be tied to something so insignificant.
Ugh, I think I need to go to bed.
Sorry for my ranting.
Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.
I feel like stuffing a huge pillow in my face.
Or whacking myself over the head with something.
I feel like hiding, actually.
Because everything is so much bigger than me.
And I am so small.
I don't even matter.
I'm trying so hard to be better, to do better, to act better.
I'm not so sure I even know what IS better.
What am I comparing it all to?
...what the hell am I even doing?
I know that.
I know they're not the best.
I just don't know what I want from the best.
I don't know what I want from myself.
I don't know where I'm going.
And I don't know who I'm taking.
But you're all welcome to come along for the ride.
And then you mention something that you've been hiding the whole time and there's nothing I can really do but cry because you didn't trust me to know in the first and you definately don't trust me to be able to help and I thought that maybe I was actually good for you but now I realise that I'm exactly what you don't need and nothing I ever do will be good enough for someone as beautiful as you and I know I'm not worth it but I thought I was because I've always put all this effort into doing the right thing before I realise that what I'm doing is wrong and it's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in and in the end I know I'm just going to end up lonely.
I don't even know who would miss me at this stage.
Everyone seems so happy to just walk away and leave me here.
I think people just assume I don't need them.
Because I don't tell them everyday like I used to.
And I want to tell you all how much I need you.
But I'm so embarrassed.
To be tied to something so insignificant.
Ugh, I think I need to go to bed.
Sorry for my ranting.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Tears and Laughter
sometimes i tell you i miss you, but it means so much more than that. what i mean is that i can't deal without you, and i'm falling apart. and i need you right here beside me because i don't know how much longer i can last without someone to fall into, and to hug, and love, and i'm working myself up about nothing, and you're the only one who can make me chill out, and all it takes are your simple words and sometimes you say 'calm down' and sometimes you say 'take it easy' and by now i've learnt the difference, and i've learnt to trust your simple words, and if i could only have you right here beside me then everything would be just dandy, but i have my own silly little life, and you have your life, and i'm here, and you're there, and that just isn't working out for me...
---
and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.
---
and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.
but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.
---
but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.
---
and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.
---
and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.
but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.
---
but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Procrastination Extraordinaire
There are many things seriously wrong with me.
:L Acceptance is the first step (Y)
1. I can't seem to spend money. Other than on food. I don't like buying stuff. Today I went shopping, and decided that I needed to spend money on myself. And it took me half an hour to find something. Admittedly, I spent most of that half hour keeping my sister away from shoe shops, but still. Eventually, I bought myself a honey jade necklace, that will bring me happiness and joy <33.
2. I am awfully ungrateful about a lot of things. I mean, I whinge and whinge about problems that I only have because I'm so lucky. And then people I'm whinging too, they are actually sympathetic, that's how awesome everyone I know is. And I'm still ungrateful about it.
3. This sounds retarded (unless you know me really well), but I have self esteem issues. I'm not gonna go into that, because no on will believe me anyways, but yeah.
4. I am addicted to my computer. More than I should be. I have a lot of websites that I visit religiously, every day, some multiple times. Things like smithteens, blogger, gmh, operation beautiful, postsecret. I'm just addicted.
5. I have a really tiny attention span. I've been writing this blog for 30 minutes now. I SHOULD be doing my speech. And I am. Between writing this and talking to people and reading memoirs, and listening to music.
OK, that's all I can be bothered to write. Because, well, I REALLY should be doing the English assignment. And I have done a lot. As in, more than two sentences. I just have paragraphs that merely say "something something propaganda something something" but it's a START.
Ciao, everybody. I shall write again eventually.
Wish you were here,
:L Acceptance is the first step (Y)
1. I can't seem to spend money. Other than on food. I don't like buying stuff. Today I went shopping, and decided that I needed to spend money on myself. And it took me half an hour to find something. Admittedly, I spent most of that half hour keeping my sister away from shoe shops, but still. Eventually, I bought myself a honey jade necklace, that will bring me happiness and joy <33.
2. I am awfully ungrateful about a lot of things. I mean, I whinge and whinge about problems that I only have because I'm so lucky. And then people I'm whinging too, they are actually sympathetic, that's how awesome everyone I know is. And I'm still ungrateful about it.
3. This sounds retarded (unless you know me really well), but I have self esteem issues. I'm not gonna go into that, because no on will believe me anyways, but yeah.
4. I am addicted to my computer. More than I should be. I have a lot of websites that I visit religiously, every day, some multiple times. Things like smithteens, blogger, gmh, operation beautiful, postsecret. I'm just addicted.
5. I have a really tiny attention span. I've been writing this blog for 30 minutes now. I SHOULD be doing my speech. And I am. Between writing this and talking to people and reading memoirs, and listening to music.
OK, that's all I can be bothered to write. Because, well, I REALLY should be doing the English assignment. And I have done a lot. As in, more than two sentences. I just have paragraphs that merely say "something something propaganda something something" but it's a START.
Ciao, everybody. I shall write again eventually.
Wish you were here,
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Black and white
I've made up my mind not to be cheesy and retarded today :L.
And there's something that I really really want to blog about, but, I'm so scared to.
What if, you don't understand?
Or what if you tell someone else who doesn't understand?
What if you blame me?
What if you don't?
And I was gonna put an absolute giveaway pic here (from postsecret this week), but it won't let me upload pix =( Which I will take as a sign that I shouldn't tell you.
Or that you have to look for it. OOOH!!
So if you go to postsecret and find the picture that you think I would have put here, tell me what number it is from the top, and I'll tell you if you got it right.
Hehe, how fun. And please actually do it, otherwise I will feel lame =(
And no one wants me to feel lame <>
"nikki is cool...nikkki is awesome...nikki can't spell ehr name"
I am one with the world tonight
I am proud to be this far from you
You say that you have no regrets
But I know that you do
you told me someone stole the eye
I know him too
I've come to the conclusion, yes I know
That between black and white
There is no room for two
The scale might be wide
But there's no need to be blind
Between black and white
There is no room for two
I leave all of the grey behind, I see clear
I know that I'll find
You claim that you are innocent
But tell me who aint
You think you're going to be saved
There's no such thing as a saint
I've come to the conclusion, yes I know
That between black and white
There is no room for two
The scale might be wide
But there's no need to be blind
Between black and white
There is no room for two
And there's something that I really really want to blog about, but, I'm so scared to.
What if, you don't understand?
Or what if you tell someone else who doesn't understand?
What if you blame me?
What if you don't?
And I was gonna put an absolute giveaway pic here (from postsecret this week), but it won't let me upload pix =( Which I will take as a sign that I shouldn't tell you.
Or that you have to look for it. OOOH!!
So if you go to postsecret and find the picture that you think I would have put here, tell me what number it is from the top, and I'll tell you if you got it right.
Hehe, how fun. And please actually do it, otherwise I will feel lame =(
And no one wants me to feel lame <>
"nikki is cool...nikkki is awesome...nikki can't spell ehr name"
I am one with the world tonight
I am proud to be this far from you
You say that you have no regrets
But I know that you do
you told me someone stole the eye
I know him too
I've come to the conclusion, yes I know
That between black and white
There is no room for two
The scale might be wide
But there's no need to be blind
Between black and white
There is no room for two
I leave all of the grey behind, I see clear
I know that I'll find
You claim that you are innocent
But tell me who aint
You think you're going to be saved
There's no such thing as a saint
I've come to the conclusion, yes I know
That between black and white
There is no room for two
The scale might be wide
But there's no need to be blind
Between black and white
There is no room for two
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Hiding from the world
I remember when I used to blog every Saturday morning.
I was the only one awake until about 10:30 (some things never change), and no one was online, so I'd just blog.
I remember when I used to blog everyday. Back in NaBloPoMo 2008.
But today, there's just some stuff I need to get off my chest
I was the only one awake until about 10:30 (some things never change), and no one was online, so I'd just blog.
I remember when I used to blog everyday. Back in NaBloPoMo 2008.
But today, there's just some stuff I need to get off my chest
I wonder if, when she saw me, she saw through me. Did she notice that my eyes were still sparkling? Or that I was quieter than usual? Did she notice that I hugged her for longer than normal? That I wouldn't leave? Or did she just think it was me being me. Did she notice how hard it was to be me? Does she even care?
I know that I'm not as bad off as that. But I'm through pretending like nothing ever happened. Hell, I'm through forgiving you. You hurt me. It's time I came to terms with that. I can let myself be hurt, and I don't always have to be strong. I don't have to tell people though, because that hurts too. I just have to stop hiding it. I guess, the fact that some people know is sign enough that I'm learning to accept it. I just don't know if you'll ever be a friend again, just a "friend".
I never thought I'd be able to talk about it to anyone. But by seeing you talk about your situation, I'm learning to accept mine. I'd like to talk to you properly though, I'd like to be able to tell you about what happened. You know, I'd like to tell everyone. But I don't think there's anyone I can tell without freaking them out. I'm getting over this by myself, maybe I just need a bit of time.
I know I've always said that was the reason, I just never thought it was an issue for me. Admitting it was really important. And admitting to myself that it's no longer an issue was a nice feeling. But is that really the reason? Or am I scared of something greater?
I should really stop writing so cryptically. But this blog is about being myself. And I can't be myself with other people listening. So most of the time none of you have any idea what I'm talking about. And the rest of the time, you think you do, but I'm really talking about something totally different. And sometimes I'm not talking about anything, I just need to exhaust some emotions. Try not to think too hard about this, it just is.
You know how sometimes you are unbelievably sad for absolutely no reason?
I've been a bit like that lately.
And there really is no reason. Just that I haven't been sad in a while. I miss being sad =S.
...I'm so ungrateful.
I was always scared that was the reason...
Scared, because, if that is the reason, it's a lot more permanent than I thought.
But even if it permanent, I can learn to deal with it. Deal with it like everyone else can't, like everyone else won't try to.
I just don't want to be so different. Maybe I'd like that part of me to be normal, to be easy. But nothing is ever going to be easy...
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
How many days in a year
She woke up with hope but she only found tears?
I can be so insincere
Making the promises never for real
As long as she stands there waiting
Wearing the holes in the souls of her shoes
How many days disappear?
You look in the mirror so how do you choose?
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
and your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
How many lovers would stay?
Just to put up with this shit day after day
How did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say
As long as we stand here waiting
Wearing the clothes on the souls that we choose
How do we get there today?
When we're walking too far for the price of her shoes
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
This is the story of a girl
Her pretty face she hid from the world
And while she looks so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
When she smiles!
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
How many days in a year
She woke up with hope but she only found tears?
I can be so insincere
Making the promises never for real
As long as she stands there waiting
Wearing the holes in the souls of her shoes
How many days disappear?
You look in the mirror so how do you choose?
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
and your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
How many lovers would stay?
Just to put up with this shit day after day
How did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say
As long as we stand here waiting
Wearing the clothes on the souls that we choose
How do we get there today?
When we're walking too far for the price of her shoes
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
This is the story of a girl
Her pretty face she hid from the world
And while she looks so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
When she smiles!
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Fall.
"I had to burn my diary because I realized that things were worse than I remembered. I never want to read it again."
Not too long ago, I started thumbing through my old diary.
I started it when I was 7/8, and kept it pretty consistently (wrote every few weeks) until year 8. (I started running out of space and didn't want to finish it unworthily[it's a word if I want it to be]).
Reading through that diary, I realise how depressed I was as a kid. I mean, each page contemplating... you know what, let's not think about that.
The point is that every now and then, I swing back into that mood. I take a really big leap, and it doesn't pay off, and I start falling. Rock bottom isn't all that an uncommon place for me.
My life works in waves. It goes up and down, and up and down. Happy and sad, happy and sad. The last time everything was sad, I didn't really tell my blog. I think that was probably bad for me, because I didn't face up to it. But it was also better for me because I made myself focus on the positives in everything. I'll tell you next time though.
At the moment, the waves occur very quickly. Home is very negative, school/blog is very positive. But it's evening out... or at least everything is becoming more positive :L.
I realised today that I do my own thing now. I don't just take things for what they are, I challenge everything, I ask too many questions, and I figure out what I want to do, not what everyone else wants me to do. It's a nice change...
You know what Corinne said to me today whilst we were DNMing?? (Hello Corinne)
She said "When I'm having a bad day, I like to talk to you, you make me happier"
Yes, that made my day yesterday :L
That, and, butterflies and rainbows (cough).
Anyways! LAST time I wrote these lyrics on my blog (all the way back on April 6th), they had a special purpose. Today, I was looking over my blog... and I read them and realised that a lot of what they were used for then applies to what I wanted todays song for.
But, it's been used before, so you only get a snippet.
(I've been listening to the first two lines on loop for about 20 minutes now. le sigh.)
-----
OK, this is today's song...
i actually can't find it on youtube =S
it's called 'my little angel' and it's by 'william shakespeare' (real name john cave). it was released in november 1974, but hit the number one spot in early 1975. it was written by harry vanda and george young (guitarists from easybeats) (i dont know why im telling you so much about this song). anyways, here are the beautiful lyrics :L
Spoken:
It was on a cold December afternoon
Doesn't seem like that long ago
I was sitting on my feet by my old fireplace
When in walked my little girl home from school
And I could see that something was wrong
By the tears that were rolling down her face
Sung:
And she said "Daddy, Daddy, at school today
Somebody told me a lie!"
And after hearing what she had heard
I told her not to cry - it hurt to see her cry
Because she's my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel when she smi-i-i-iles
Oh yes she's my, my little angel
And I don't ever want to see her cry-y
Spoken:
What she heard was that angels didn't really exist
That they were just a part of fables, fairytales, any ol' how
"Of course there are angels" I said
Everybody has an angel that takes care of them
In fact, I know there's a real live angel right now
Sung:
And she said "Daddy, Daddy, please tell me where
And tell me how do you know"
I said "easy, now if you listen close it's not too far too go,
and this is how i know
Because you're my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel when you smi-i-i-ile
Oh yes you're my, my little angel
My little angel, and I don't ever want to see you cry-y"
Now I miss her dearly, since she left that day
But I know she is near me every hour, every day
Because she's... because she's my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel, yes she's mi-i-i-ine
Ahh, she's so fine, my little angel, my little angel
And I know that she's with me all the time
With me all the time, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel
-----
I always cry when I hear that song, at the part where he tells her she's his angel, and the part where she leaves him.
Yeah, the lyrics DO actually mean something, and the song is REALLY good, except it apparently doesn't exist =S (I didn't know there were songs not on limewire...)
Not too long ago, I started thumbing through my old diary.
I started it when I was 7/8, and kept it pretty consistently (wrote every few weeks) until year 8. (I started running out of space and didn't want to finish it unworthily[it's a word if I want it to be]).
Reading through that diary, I realise how depressed I was as a kid. I mean, each page contemplating... you know what, let's not think about that.
The point is that every now and then, I swing back into that mood. I take a really big leap, and it doesn't pay off, and I start falling. Rock bottom isn't all that an uncommon place for me.
My life works in waves. It goes up and down, and up and down. Happy and sad, happy and sad. The last time everything was sad, I didn't really tell my blog. I think that was probably bad for me, because I didn't face up to it. But it was also better for me because I made myself focus on the positives in everything. I'll tell you next time though.
At the moment, the waves occur very quickly. Home is very negative, school/blog is very positive. But it's evening out... or at least everything is becoming more positive :L.
I realised today that I do my own thing now. I don't just take things for what they are, I challenge everything, I ask too many questions, and I figure out what I want to do, not what everyone else wants me to do. It's a nice change...
You know what Corinne said to me today whilst we were DNMing?? (Hello Corinne)
She said "When I'm having a bad day, I like to talk to you, you make me happier"
Yes, that made my day yesterday :L
That, and, butterflies and rainbows (cough).
Anyways! LAST time I wrote these lyrics on my blog (all the way back on April 6th), they had a special purpose. Today, I was looking over my blog... and I read them and realised that a lot of what they were used for then applies to what I wanted todays song for.
But, it's been used before, so you only get a snippet.
(I've been listening to the first two lines on loop for about 20 minutes now. le sigh.)
You look so beautiful today...
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away...
So I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter, but you feel so far away
And I can't lie
Everytime I leave my heart turns grey...
-----
OK, this is today's song...
i actually can't find it on youtube =S
it's called 'my little angel' and it's by 'william shakespeare' (real name john cave). it was released in november 1974, but hit the number one spot in early 1975. it was written by harry vanda and george young (guitarists from easybeats) (i dont know why im telling you so much about this song). anyways, here are the beautiful lyrics :L
Spoken:
It was on a cold December afternoon
Doesn't seem like that long ago
I was sitting on my feet by my old fireplace
When in walked my little girl home from school
And I could see that something was wrong
By the tears that were rolling down her face
Sung:
And she said "Daddy, Daddy, at school today
Somebody told me a lie!"
And after hearing what she had heard
I told her not to cry - it hurt to see her cry
Because she's my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel when she smi-i-i-iles
Oh yes she's my, my little angel
And I don't ever want to see her cry-y
Spoken:
What she heard was that angels didn't really exist
That they were just a part of fables, fairytales, any ol' how
"Of course there are angels" I said
Everybody has an angel that takes care of them
In fact, I know there's a real live angel right now
Sung:
And she said "Daddy, Daddy, please tell me where
And tell me how do you know"
I said "easy, now if you listen close it's not too far too go,
and this is how i know
Because you're my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel when you smi-i-i-ile
Oh yes you're my, my little angel
My little angel, and I don't ever want to see you cry-y"
Now I miss her dearly, since she left that day
But I know she is near me every hour, every day
Because she's... because she's my, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel, yes she's mi-i-i-ine
Ahh, she's so fine, my little angel, my little angel
And I know that she's with me all the time
With me all the time, my little angel
My little angel, my little angel
-----
I always cry when I hear that song, at the part where he tells her she's his angel, and the part where she leaves him.
Yeah, the lyrics DO actually mean something, and the song is REALLY good, except it apparently doesn't exist =S (I didn't know there were songs not on limewire...)
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Ebony's mind
one - everything changed for real. where did the smile go?
TWO - YOU HURT ME. DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.
three - have you figured it out yet?
four - i miss you.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and you left again.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's getting harder to smile.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family are a mystery to me.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in a very pesimistic mood.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I have nothing to thank you for
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it doesn't make sense anymore
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything changed
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling apart.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I still can't wait till Tuesday
{{that whole half of the blog corresponds directly to yesterday}}
Ahh, the beautiful letters. The pretty little words arranged across the beautifully decorated paper. The tear drop marks left at strategic places along the lines. The beauty, and the pain, and all it does is cause more pain. All you do is cause more pain. I, too, am sorry that you can't see it. My darling you hurt me in ways that seem impossible. Everytime I open a letter I shudder, remembering the past. Why must we repeat ourselves? Have we learnt nothing of our past mistakes that we fall into the exact same cycle? Of course we haven't. This is what we do.
Spend all your time waiting for a second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
TWO - YOU HURT ME. DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.
three - have you figured it out yet?
four - i miss you.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and you left again.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's getting harder to smile.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family are a mystery to me.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in a very pesimistic mood.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I have nothing to thank you for
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it doesn't make sense anymore
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything changed
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling apart.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I still can't wait till Tuesday
{{that whole half of the blog corresponds directly to yesterday}}
Ahh, the beautiful letters. The pretty little words arranged across the beautifully decorated paper. The tear drop marks left at strategic places along the lines. The beauty, and the pain, and all it does is cause more pain. All you do is cause more pain. I, too, am sorry that you can't see it. My darling you hurt me in ways that seem impossible. Everytime I open a letter I shudder, remembering the past. Why must we repeat ourselves? Have we learnt nothing of our past mistakes that we fall into the exact same cycle? Of course we haven't. This is what we do.
Spend all your time waiting for a second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Or beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Saturday, 25 April 2009
Ebony's cloud <33
one - everything changed. i blinked. everything changed back. i smiled.
TWO - I'M NOT WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE. DEAL.
three - things change sweetie. it just changed... that's all.
four - just smile. you're back!
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I said yesterday that I missed you. Today you came back.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm going to let myself smile now.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family is finally making some sense...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in an extraordinarily optimistic mood...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I just want to say thankyou
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's starting to make sense now
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I don't want anything to change
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling into place
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I can't wait till Tuesday either
(^^ this is the very weird, incredible mood that talking to YOU puts me in)
Today is beautiful, wonderful ANZAC Day!
Which means I went into the city! And watched my grandpa march =) And cried a lot. Because that is what I do on ANZAC Day. And then we went to the Lindt cafe. (The first of its kind in the world) and I had a very nice hot chocolate. And then we went to the footy. And we totally creamed the roosters. TOTALLY CREAMED. (did everyone get that? totally creamed!) (29-0 guys)
Ok, damn, I summed up my day in a paragraph. I am totally losing my touch.
See, if I was tlaking, I would say heaps more, because I never run out of air. But typing, takes up so much time/energy that, well, this is it.
OK?
Damn, I'm getting so lazy now. I even chucked out my "hi-5!!!" and just lo-5 people (yeah, i blame you!)
speaking of...
Today, Ebony discovered something very weird about herself (in 3rd person)
She discovered how much she likes a very un-Ebony band.
(No, it's not AAR, we already knew that one :L)
(shall we further your musical education?)
You know what? I never write the names of artists before I write the song.
So here you go, cloud connected:
(Maybe, just read the lyrics and never hurt your precious little ears by listening to the song :L)
People like you
You live in a dream world
You despise the outside
And you fear the next one!
It's in your dream
There's just one question
Should I kill?
Or should I be left behind?
Sick and tired
Of all your complaints
This is the hour
We bring them down!
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
You seem to be
So introverted
How come we fail
With all that is given?
You crossed the line
You remember my name
Time runs backwards
As we're heading that way
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
TWO - I'M NOT WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE. DEAL.
three - things change sweetie. it just changed... that's all.
four - just smile. you're back!
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I said yesterday that I missed you. Today you came back.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm going to let myself smile now.
Hello, I'm Ebony, and my family is finally making some sense...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I'm in an extraordinarily optimistic mood...
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I just want to say thankyou
Hello, I'm Ebony, and it's starting to make sense now
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I don't want anything to change
Hello, I'm Ebony, and everything is falling into place
Hello, I'm Ebony, and I can't wait till Tuesday either
(^^ this is the very weird, incredible mood that talking to YOU puts me in)
Today is beautiful, wonderful ANZAC Day!
Which means I went into the city! And watched my grandpa march =) And cried a lot. Because that is what I do on ANZAC Day. And then we went to the Lindt cafe. (The first of its kind in the world) and I had a very nice hot chocolate. And then we went to the footy. And we totally creamed the roosters. TOTALLY CREAMED. (did everyone get that? totally creamed!) (29-0 guys)
Ok, damn, I summed up my day in a paragraph. I am totally losing my touch.
See, if I was tlaking, I would say heaps more, because I never run out of air. But typing, takes up so much time/energy that, well, this is it.
OK?
Damn, I'm getting so lazy now. I even chucked out my "hi-5!!!" and just lo-5 people (yeah, i blame you!)
speaking of...
Today, Ebony discovered something very weird about herself (in 3rd person)
She discovered how much she likes a very un-Ebony band.
(No, it's not AAR, we already knew that one :L)
(shall we further your musical education?)
You know what? I never write the names of artists before I write the song.
So here you go, cloud connected:
(Maybe, just read the lyrics and never hurt your precious little ears by listening to the song :L)
People like you
You live in a dream world
You despise the outside
And you fear the next one!
It's in your dream
There's just one question
Should I kill?
Or should I be left behind?
Sick and tired
Of all your complaints
This is the hour
We bring them down!
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
You seem to be
So introverted
How come we fail
With all that is given?
You crossed the line
You remember my name
Time runs backwards
As we're heading that way
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
I've come to realise
With every little glimpse, you fade
I was told that I could fly
When least expected,
Cloud connected
Friday, 24 April 2009
One-way ticket
one - the randomest part wasn't the bananas or the tent pegs...
TWO - I HAVE SOMETHIGN TO TELL YOU BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW
three - it already feels nice to think about...
four - i still miss you
I have this feeling that everyone secretly resents me
I think it's because I've recently found my inner resentment for everyone else.
That sounds bitchy, I'll explain
I'm very one-sided.
I am capable of giving a lot more than I can receive
So I give a lot, and people get sick of taking it because I'm being annoying (or being Ebony, as I like to phrase it)
So then they push me away, if only for a second
And I take everything back and hate them for it.
Damn, I explained this a lot better yesterday.
Vanessa and I were very bored at work yesterday, so we started making a list of "5 Guys I'd Like To Be In An Elevator With". We came up with many more than 5. So we decided it would be a boat. And we would cruise the world. But this means we have to bring "5 Guys I'd Like To Have At My Dinner Table" into it, because of the whole being on a cruise and having a conversation thing.
Here is a very slight snippet of the population of our boat:
Tyson Ritter
Mark Harmon (<33)
George Clooney
Harisson Ford
House
Colin Firth
Matthew McConaughey
Jean-Luc Picard
Antonio Banderas
Brad Pitt
JFK Junior
Harm Rabb (JAG)
Jared Padelecki
Milo Ventimiglia
Johnny Depp
Orlando Bloom
Dick Van Dyke
Cory's eyes are like a jungle, he smile's it's like the radio
He whispers words into my window in words that nobody knows
There's pretty girls on every corner, they watch him as he's walking home
Saying "does he know?" Will you ever know?
You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know? You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
When you find everything you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back tomy door
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Cory finds another way to be the highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind so I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation when he's taking my breath away
I should say "hey, by the way..."
You're beautiful, ever little piece love
Don't you know? You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
When you find everything you've looked for
I hope for life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't,
Stay beautiful
If you and I are a story that never gets told
If what you are is a daydream, I never get to hold
At least you'll know..
You're beautiful, every little piece love
Don't you know? You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find every thing you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't, will you stay...
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
La la la
Oh, oh oh oh,
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Stay beautiful
TWO - I HAVE SOMETHIGN TO TELL YOU BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW
three - it already feels nice to think about...
four - i still miss you
I have this feeling that everyone secretly resents me
I think it's because I've recently found my inner resentment for everyone else.
That sounds bitchy, I'll explain
I'm very one-sided.
I am capable of giving a lot more than I can receive
So I give a lot, and people get sick of taking it because I'm being annoying (or being Ebony, as I like to phrase it)
So then they push me away, if only for a second
And I take everything back and hate them for it.
Damn, I explained this a lot better yesterday.
Vanessa and I were very bored at work yesterday, so we started making a list of "5 Guys I'd Like To Be In An Elevator With". We came up with many more than 5. So we decided it would be a boat. And we would cruise the world. But this means we have to bring "5 Guys I'd Like To Have At My Dinner Table" into it, because of the whole being on a cruise and having a conversation thing.
Here is a very slight snippet of the population of our boat:
Tyson Ritter
Mark Harmon (<33)
George Clooney
Harisson Ford
House
Colin Firth
Matthew McConaughey
Jean-Luc Picard
Antonio Banderas
Brad Pitt
JFK Junior
Harm Rabb (JAG)
Jared Padelecki
Milo Ventimiglia
Johnny Depp
Orlando Bloom
Dick Van Dyke
Cory's eyes are like a jungle, he smile's it's like the radio
He whispers words into my window in words that nobody knows
There's pretty girls on every corner, they watch him as he's walking home
Saying "does he know?" Will you ever know?
You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know? You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
When you find everything you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back tomy door
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Cory finds another way to be the highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind so I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation when he's taking my breath away
I should say "hey, by the way..."
You're beautiful, ever little piece love
Don't you know? You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
When you find everything you've looked for
I hope for life leads you back to my door
Oh but if it don't,
Stay beautiful
If you and I are a story that never gets told
If what you are is a daydream, I never get to hold
At least you'll know..
You're beautiful, every little piece love
Don't you know? You're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone
And when you find every thing you've looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't, will you stay...
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
La la la
Oh, oh oh oh,
Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Stay beautiful
Ladies and gentlemen (mainly ladies though), this is Sean Faris.
You know, the picture pretty much says it all.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Jump.
Hello. I'm Natalie, and I'm miserable, but not actively.
Hello, I'm Danielle, and I've been getting used to misery so much, I'm becoming somewhat happy again.
Hello. I'm Chelsea, and I'm miserable too, the last time I was happy without faking it I was six. It's ten years later, and for the first time, I have a genuine reason to be happy and I'm still miserable, I don't know how to let it out.
Hello everyone, I'm not ready to tell you my name yet, and I recently met some people that make me smile, but I'm too afraid that if I get close to them, I'll lose them like everyone else.
Hello, I'm Casey and i'm a little bit afraid of everything
Hello...
I'm Jordan, and I'm sorry.
Welcome to Misery's Anonymous.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I think because I want somone to understand me, and I want people to be more trusting and honest. I think by doing this I'm causing greater dishonesty. But I'm the one who screws everything up anyways.
-----
-----
Sometimes I just want to jump.
I think the fall would be good for me.
There comes a point when it helps to let go...
Maybe I'm ready to let go of it...
Maybe, before I stuff it up, I should admit it to myself.
My conscience can only deal with so much.
it isn't just an Egyptian river;
denial. - trippinballsdude
But now I'm lying to myself again, aren't I?
I think I've forgotten how to tell myself the truth
I think I sugarcoat it in so many lies and wishes,
That 'truth' loses all meaning.
And yet, both sides of the story have equal 'truth'
My ability to argue them both cannot be a good thing...
I don't know which I feel, which I believe...
But what if these thoughts can unite?
What if both sides can be true?
What if it can change?
And I can stop lying to myself?
But I know that will never happen,
For as long as my head and heart are at war
I will always be lying to myself...
-----
By the way, my conscience, her name is Laura.
-----
I know you know somewhere inside of you tht this is all about you. I know countless others will assume it's about them, but you will doubt it. Please never doubt yourself.
Hello, I'm Danielle, and I've been getting used to misery so much, I'm becoming somewhat happy again.
Hello. I'm Chelsea, and I'm miserable too, the last time I was happy without faking it I was six. It's ten years later, and for the first time, I have a genuine reason to be happy and I'm still miserable, I don't know how to let it out.
Hello everyone, I'm not ready to tell you my name yet, and I recently met some people that make me smile, but I'm too afraid that if I get close to them, I'll lose them like everyone else.
Hello, I'm Casey and i'm a little bit afraid of everything
Hello...
I'm Jordan, and I'm sorry.
Welcome to Misery's Anonymous.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I think because I want somone to understand me, and I want people to be more trusting and honest. I think by doing this I'm causing greater dishonesty. But I'm the one who screws everything up anyways.
-----
Cory finds another way to be the highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures in my mind so I can save them for a rainy day
It's hard to make conversation when he's taking my breath away...
-----
Sometimes I just want to jump.
I think the fall would be good for me.
There comes a point when it helps to let go...
Maybe I'm ready to let go of it...
Maybe, before I stuff it up, I should admit it to myself.
My conscience can only deal with so much.
it isn't just an Egyptian river;
denial. - trippinballsdude
But now I'm lying to myself again, aren't I?
I think I've forgotten how to tell myself the truth
I think I sugarcoat it in so many lies and wishes,
That 'truth' loses all meaning.
And yet, both sides of the story have equal 'truth'
My ability to argue them both cannot be a good thing...
I don't know which I feel, which I believe...
But what if these thoughts can unite?
What if both sides can be true?
What if it can change?
And I can stop lying to myself?
But I know that will never happen,
For as long as my head and heart are at war
I will always be lying to myself...
-----
By the way, my conscience, her name is Laura.
-----
I know you know somewhere inside of you tht this is all about you. I know countless others will assume it's about them, but you will doubt it. Please never doubt yourself.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Under house arrest
My mother is officially doing anything within her power to keep me from my computer. Thus lack of blogs. (I call in lack, you call it no more blog flooding, but we're on the same page).
This is all I really have time for, I'm going to the city today with dad + nikki, and then we're going to a friend's place for dinner. I don't think I'll get around to blogging about my work getting flooded and having to evacuate. (And the story has such potential too), just make up the details in your head. It's funnier that way…
Here's the thingimo stealed form miish/nina/amy
Ten things I could say to ten different people right now:
1. Thankyou for never taking anything for granted. You are so amazing, and I'm so glad I get to see it.
2. You're beautiful, and sure, people see that now, but I saw it first. Stay beautiful.
3. I'm scared we're drifting. I love you, and everytime we move further apart, it tears me up inside. =(
4. Thanks for being so amazingly you. I really miss you, so much, I hope we have some classes together next year.
5. You don't see me the way I do. You think you see more of me, but you actually only see a part of me. Look deeper.
6. I want to make you happy. Sure, you smile, but so do I. You are such a good friend, and I want you to be happy.
7. I'm sorry if I got too close. But I'm more sorry that you started to walk away. I miss that closeness we had…
8. I know I always thankyou for being you, the truth is I don't what else to say. You stay unwavering, nothing changes.
9. You're getting on my nerves. A lot. You're so selfish, and stubborn, and rude. Everything I see in myself.
10. I want to be you. You in every possible way. You're amazing way of dealing with every situation. Teach me.
Nine things about myself:
1. My mind usually makes sense to me. Just like Amy. Cuz I'm not random, if you understand me.
2. I love you guys more than you will ever know. And it hurts me everytime you don't want a hug.
3. I overanalyse EVERYTHING. Usually it's just a thinking too much thing. But I can be entertained for hours by a number plate…
4. I always make a wish on 11:11. But for the past week, it's been a wish that everything will stay the same.
5. I'm always either happy or sad. I don't really have "ok" moods. That means either I'm generally happy and currently sad or generally sad and currently happy.
6. I copy people in a lot of ways, but I only do it if I admire something in you. Usually people get pissed off by it, but it's a pretty big compliment.
7. I'm lonely a lot. Especially now that I lost my teddy bear. I really want someone to hug.
8. I have an awesome life. Because all the shit that happened to me, happened a long time ago, and now everything is awesome.
9. I have the craziest dreams EVER. Like the nocturnal cannibal one, and last night I dreamt about a cat jumping out of a person. I'm just imaginative.
Eight ways to win my heart:
1. Make me laugh. (That's really easy)
2. Talk to me when there's other people around that are awesomer than me, but you'd prefer to talk to me.
3. Haha, appearing offline, still talking to me… (inside joke)
4. Chocolate… it has to be said
5. Understanding me, that's asking for a lot, but yeah, knowing what everything I say means.
6. Tell me that you appreciate me. Or that you enjoy talking to me, or that I make you smile. Or all of the above :L
7. Talk to me when you have nothing to say, but just feel like talking to me. We'll think of something to talk about…
8. Catch my eye and wink. Since I totally fail at winking, this is very awesome. ;)
Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. what job I'll have in the future
2. general contemplating of the universe…
3. why people say the things they say
4. how people end up how they do
5. whether I'll ever have the child I'm dying to have
6. whether other people are thinking about me
7. what other people are doing at 8:00 in the morning (I think sleeping?)
Six things I wish I never did:
1. pretend to be something I'm not
2. let myself be distanced from some people
3. screw up a particular friendship
4. give up.
5. let go
6. frown
Five turn ons:
1. witty sense of humour. Laughs at things that are normally taken seriously, but also likes to talk DNM.
2. Abnormality. But not in an insane way, just in a does-their-own-thing way.
3. Hazel eyes (yes, I am that shallow)
4. Not afraid to be theirself.
5. Really nice smile. =)
Four turn offs:
1. not able to hold a conversation with me.
2. always follows rules, even the stupid ones
3. breaks own rules. Everyone should have some moral codes.
4. Smoking. It has been said before, it will be said again. ("Hit anyone that smokes weed" "okay?")
Three smileys that describe my life:
1. :)/:L – come on people, bebo!!
2. :S
3. :O
Two things I want to do before I die:
1. Fall in love
2. Be satisfied with my life
One confession:
1. I'm no fool…
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Give me something to believe in
one - i don't tell you that you quote my dreams. i just smile to myself and go along with it, knowing that it makes things worse and better. but the better is worth the worse.
TWO - I TOLD THEM HOW LONG IT HAD BEEN SICE I'VE GENUINELY SMILED. I TOLD THEM I COULD PROBABLY GIVE IT TO THEM IN DAYS. THEY TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD SMILE AGAIN. THEY CAN'T SEE HOW BROKEN I AM.
three - walking around that place was surreal. expecting time to just disapear, and for everything to go back to those few moments. for that feeling again. but time didn't budge, it ticked on as it does...
four - i admit that i have no idea whatsoever what i'm doing. but i'm doing something,i'm not just sitting down and taking it. so this may be wrong, or stupid, but i'm on a journey.
five - stop telling me to do whatever i want. life will never be that simple. tell me to be happy, or tell me to be me, but you don't get it both ways.
Now do we all believe that I'm a bad blogger? :L
I'm very sorry, I was definately gonna blog yesterday after school, and then... I went memoiring, and then had to work.
And today, well, you see, yesterday I remembered that my Half yearly for IPT is on Monday (yes, I'm the only one in the world who can forget something that important) so then, I SHOULD be study. (We all saw the emphasis on SHOULD, right?) But this is more fun, and makes me more relaxed. And... studiable. Wow, I am such a bullshit artist.
Anyways, I would like to share with you things that I have learnt about myself and the world in the past few... days? weeks? i dunno, something.
(Note: I have 5 thingimos at the top, simply because there is 5 things I wanted to say)
1. Girls can be really bitchy. I mean, REALLY bitchy. Not that guys can't be. Just that guys find it easier to be friends than girls do, because guys can be friends with someone they're not totally friends with, and it's ok, where as girls need to like everyone in their group, or else all hell breaks loose. You may have noticed me spending more time with my guy friends than girl friends lately, and I think this is the reason. Maybe.
2. I am physicaly incapable of having a crush on someone. I usually love them. I'm like that with a lot of things, it's all or nothing (good song ;)) which in a lot of way is a good thing, but sometimes it's not. If you can understand that. you understand that, right? Gah.
3. I think that relationships between people of different religions never last. Not that it's impossible, just that usually you have different wants and needs. This makes my life very impossible, as I am "religiously confused". I don't believe in heaven or hell. But I believe there's some sort of creator. But I don't believe that everything is predetermined, that's just the easy way out. I think that you have to work for what you want to achieve. But I pray, still, to whoever this creator may be. And I ask God for advice, but I think my conscience usually answers. See?? Imagine trying to find someone as confused as me.
4. If someone cheated on me I wouldn't care. Haha, I found that out at camp. Because I believe it is possible to love more than one person at once, and to love them for different reasons. So I wouldn't mind if someone cheated on me, as long as they still loved me, or, at least, liked me. Yes, you guys probably all think I'm silly, too, and I probably am...
We shall continue the blog with memoirs =)
I feel emptiness. And it burns. - Kodia
Emptiness does that to you sometimes. It gets sore. You feel weak and inadequate, and you definately feel empty. But why do we feel this way? How can someone be empty? Why is someone empty? And why does it burn?
I'm following this star to infinity - October
I watched stardust again yesterday, and it's still the same as the first time, it's still... annoyingly similar to my life, just more beautiful, and ending with a 'happily ever after'. But I used to glow like that. Out of control with beautiful emotions. And my glowing left me vulnerable, because everyone else could see what I couldn't.
It made sense. Too much sense. - coulda.been.a.comet
It sounds like "it's quiet. too quiet", but it's actually true. because when things make a lot of sense they're usually not true. oh yes, life is wonderfully ironic.
Rest of my life started today - prettystrangers
Oh how inspirational. But the rest of my life did start today. Everyday I make a concious decision to rewrite everything. And everything is rewritten from today. Speaking of rewriting, I wrote more of my story when I was in QLD that I still haven't blogged. This from the girl who hasn't contacted her books for school yet.
I really did wish for you - carmabelle135
Everyday I wish for you. Everyday. (Excpet the day before drama assm was due, because it took priority). And everyday I wake up to another disappointment. But I like the hope. And who knows, maybe i I get disappointed enough, I'll give up. Actually, I doubt that a lot. But it doesn't matter. I'll still wish for you. Everyday.
Ok, well, IPT isn't going to study itself, and I've spent too long doing this.
Goodbye all, I'll see you under the moon.
TWO - I TOLD THEM HOW LONG IT HAD BEEN SICE I'VE GENUINELY SMILED. I TOLD THEM I COULD PROBABLY GIVE IT TO THEM IN DAYS. THEY TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD SMILE AGAIN. THEY CAN'T SEE HOW BROKEN I AM.
three - walking around that place was surreal. expecting time to just disapear, and for everything to go back to those few moments. for that feeling again. but time didn't budge, it ticked on as it does...
four - i admit that i have no idea whatsoever what i'm doing. but i'm doing something,i'm not just sitting down and taking it. so this may be wrong, or stupid, but i'm on a journey.
five - stop telling me to do whatever i want. life will never be that simple. tell me to be happy, or tell me to be me, but you don't get it both ways.
Now do we all believe that I'm a bad blogger? :L
I'm very sorry, I was definately gonna blog yesterday after school, and then... I went memoiring, and then had to work.
And today, well, you see, yesterday I remembered that my Half yearly for IPT is on Monday (yes, I'm the only one in the world who can forget something that important) so then, I SHOULD be study. (We all saw the emphasis on SHOULD, right?) But this is more fun, and makes me more relaxed. And... studiable. Wow, I am such a bullshit artist.
Anyways, I would like to share with you things that I have learnt about myself and the world in the past few... days? weeks? i dunno, something.
(Note: I have 5 thingimos at the top, simply because there is 5 things I wanted to say)
1. Girls can be really bitchy. I mean, REALLY bitchy. Not that guys can't be. Just that guys find it easier to be friends than girls do, because guys can be friends with someone they're not totally friends with, and it's ok, where as girls need to like everyone in their group, or else all hell breaks loose. You may have noticed me spending more time with my guy friends than girl friends lately, and I think this is the reason. Maybe.
2. I am physicaly incapable of having a crush on someone. I usually love them. I'm like that with a lot of things, it's all or nothing (good song ;)) which in a lot of way is a good thing, but sometimes it's not. If you can understand that. you understand that, right? Gah.
3. I think that relationships between people of different religions never last. Not that it's impossible, just that usually you have different wants and needs. This makes my life very impossible, as I am "religiously confused". I don't believe in heaven or hell. But I believe there's some sort of creator. But I don't believe that everything is predetermined, that's just the easy way out. I think that you have to work for what you want to achieve. But I pray, still, to whoever this creator may be. And I ask God for advice, but I think my conscience usually answers. See?? Imagine trying to find someone as confused as me.
4. If someone cheated on me I wouldn't care. Haha, I found that out at camp. Because I believe it is possible to love more than one person at once, and to love them for different reasons. So I wouldn't mind if someone cheated on me, as long as they still loved me, or, at least, liked me. Yes, you guys probably all think I'm silly, too, and I probably am...
We shall continue the blog with memoirs =)
I feel emptiness. And it burns. - Kodia
Emptiness does that to you sometimes. It gets sore. You feel weak and inadequate, and you definately feel empty. But why do we feel this way? How can someone be empty? Why is someone empty? And why does it burn?
I'm following this star to infinity - October
I watched stardust again yesterday, and it's still the same as the first time, it's still... annoyingly similar to my life, just more beautiful, and ending with a 'happily ever after'. But I used to glow like that. Out of control with beautiful emotions. And my glowing left me vulnerable, because everyone else could see what I couldn't.
It made sense. Too much sense. - coulda.been.a.comet
It sounds like "it's quiet. too quiet", but it's actually true. because when things make a lot of sense they're usually not true. oh yes, life is wonderfully ironic.
Rest of my life started today - prettystrangers
Oh how inspirational. But the rest of my life did start today. Everyday I make a concious decision to rewrite everything. And everything is rewritten from today. Speaking of rewriting, I wrote more of my story when I was in QLD that I still haven't blogged. This from the girl who hasn't contacted her books for school yet.
I really did wish for you - carmabelle135
Everyday I wish for you. Everyday. (Excpet the day before drama assm was due, because it took priority). And everyday I wake up to another disappointment. But I like the hope. And who knows, maybe i I get disappointed enough, I'll give up. Actually, I doubt that a lot. But it doesn't matter. I'll still wish for you. Everyday.
Ok, well, IPT isn't going to study itself, and I've spent too long doing this.
Goodbye all, I'll see you under the moon.
Friday, 13 March 2009
Finally stopping to smell the rainbows
one - when i reread it, i realise how much of a jackass you are. all i have to say is thank goodness.
TWO - Rule 3#: Never be unreachable.
three - I have an urge to end my blogs with "Live long and prosper" but I am stopping myself from doing that because I don't want you guys to think I'm totally pyscho.
four - I stay up late and write now. I write stories, I write memoirs, I write things for my blog, I write until my clock reaches 11:11. I make a wish, and fall asleep. Yes, I am extraordinarily sleep deprived, and I should stop doing this... but what if it comes true??
Remember me saying how unhappy I was?
Well I'm really happy now!!!
(That always happens after I blog)
(I LOVE IT!)
So Nikki and I started dancing around our house to the songs in our heads. Which we verbalised. Here is where you feel sorry for my parents. And dog. Because I think only he could hear some of those notes we hit.
Anyway, today, I found out something very important about myself.
Even MORE important than the high 5 thing. Do you want to know what it is?
I SUCK at solitaire.
I mean, seriously, out of 10 games, you should win more than one, shouldn't you? How can I be so BAD at things that most people can do with relative ease? Is there something wrong with me? (on second thoughts, don't answer that)
Plus, I play with real cards. (I KNOW!!! I'm in the wrong generation)(But it's only cuz I have limits on my computer time per day) So when I get stuck I cheat. (This is what I do with life as well) (and monopoly) (and 13 when playing with osmina/bryan). And I consider cheating more than 5 times to mean I've lost.
now you wouldn't think it would be that easy to actually LOSE that way.
But I posess some sort of inhumane skill or being able to lose any given game of solitaire.
THAT is why I cheat. Because then I at least get some sort of self satisfaction ot of the game.
See? Aren't you glad you read this blog?
Otherwise you would never know about the solitaire thing.
Oh, and today my Dad started ranting at my TV about how everyone was silly and Split Enz was so much better than Crowded House, and all I could do was smile. These are the moments I live for =)
AND I JUST WON A GAME!! AND I DIDN'T EVEN CHEAT.
Maybe I'm not doomed afterall.
It is so ironic that I am going to write the lyrics to the song you recommended to me, after blogging about you earlier, and tlaking to no one but you on MSN before that. And if anyone knoew who this was they would kill me, which is part of what draws me to you. I don't want to dislike you simply because everyone else thinks I should. This is my way of giving you a chance.
TWO - Rule 3#: Never be unreachable.
three - I have an urge to end my blogs with "Live long and prosper" but I am stopping myself from doing that because I don't want you guys to think I'm totally pyscho.
four - I stay up late and write now. I write stories, I write memoirs, I write things for my blog, I write until my clock reaches 11:11. I make a wish, and fall asleep. Yes, I am extraordinarily sleep deprived, and I should stop doing this... but what if it comes true??
Remember me saying how unhappy I was?
Well I'm really happy now!!!
(That always happens after I blog)
(I LOVE IT!)
So Nikki and I started dancing around our house to the songs in our heads. Which we verbalised. Here is where you feel sorry for my parents. And dog. Because I think only he could hear some of those notes we hit.
Anyway, today, I found out something very important about myself.
Even MORE important than the high 5 thing. Do you want to know what it is?
I SUCK at solitaire.
I mean, seriously, out of 10 games, you should win more than one, shouldn't you? How can I be so BAD at things that most people can do with relative ease? Is there something wrong with me? (on second thoughts, don't answer that)
Plus, I play with real cards. (I KNOW!!! I'm in the wrong generation)(But it's only cuz I have limits on my computer time per day) So when I get stuck I cheat. (This is what I do with life as well) (and monopoly) (and 13 when playing with osmina/bryan). And I consider cheating more than 5 times to mean I've lost.
now you wouldn't think it would be that easy to actually LOSE that way.
But I posess some sort of inhumane skill or being able to lose any given game of solitaire.
THAT is why I cheat. Because then I at least get some sort of self satisfaction ot of the game.
See? Aren't you glad you read this blog?
Otherwise you would never know about the solitaire thing.
Oh, and today my Dad started ranting at my TV about how everyone was silly and Split Enz was so much better than Crowded House, and all I could do was smile. These are the moments I live for =)
AND I JUST WON A GAME!! AND I DIDN'T EVEN CHEAT.
Maybe I'm not doomed afterall.
-------
It is so ironic that I am going to write the lyrics to the song you recommended to me, after blogging about you earlier, and tlaking to no one but you on MSN before that. And if anyone knoew who this was they would kill me, which is part of what draws me to you. I don't want to dislike you simply because everyone else thinks I should. This is my way of giving you a chance.
Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you.
Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know
That if you say
(if you say)
Goodbye today
(goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true
(cause I'd ask you to be true)
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you
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