don't bother.

Everyday I check my email. Over and over and over again. I’m excited when I see I have emails, and then disappointed when they’re not from you. What was I expecting? For you to suddenly say – ‘you know what? You were right, I was wrong, I’m sorry’ – Or – ‘I lied to you, my bad, I’ve never done it before and I’ll never do it again’ – or – ‘maybe we do belong together’ – I sound so desperate, and so stupid, and everything’s just making it worse.

And yet, I feel I have to have a least a little bit of happiness in my blog, cuz after all; I’m doing better than yesterday, right?
So here is a quick overview of my thoughts from this morning.

Self actualisation…
Let’s break that down.

Physical/security needs
Tick and tick! How could I have a problem in this area??

Relationship needs
I have the ninja-est kick-ass friends in the world. My family are all a-okay! My class is getting closer, bonding a bit. My music/maths/IPT class are becoming more familiar, nd people are talking cross room instead of just to their group.

Self-esteem needs
Alas, the happiness of the blog has ended. Because, sure, my self-esteem was right on track, say, last week? But just go along with this hypothetical for a second: Okay, you know this person who never lies, like seriously. Ok, maybe the occasional ‘oh yeah, I’m fine’, but aside from that, Nada! They’re not afraid to hurt you, as long as you know the truth. And they tell you you are amazing. More than that, you’re not a mean person, you’re not a bad person, they tell you things that make you feel good. You believe them, you trust their honesty (OK, so you guys all know how this will end, but just bear with me). And then one day they tell you something that you KNOW isn’t true. It’s just flat out, indisputably a lie. And you discover, they’re just as good a bullshit artist as the next person. Suddenly you realize that everything was a lie, what now? Do you still go along with the idea that you’re a good person, or do you start to listen to the people who can easily identify your flaws? What if everything you believed as true is suddenly a pretence, and everything you treasures ma as well not have existed?

Guys, please don’t feel sorry for me, because I don’t need your sympathy. I’ve surpassed pain, and moved on to anger.
I know that this blog means very little to everyone who will read it. And it means everything to the one person I wish I had the guts to tell about it.
I’m sorry that I’m too much of a coward, and that you have to read through all these blogs I’m writing, simply because I need to vent. I should be writing about CAMP!!!! My birthday, a whole bunch of new, awesome blogs I’ve found. More 6-word memoirs. POST SECRET! I should be making this as fun as possible, or even just writing about my day at school.
But I have to write this somewhere.
I’ve been through this before, but I wrote everything in my diary. I’ve sort of given up on that aside from very small secrets.
I know none of this shit should be here, and if you start reading again, and it’s about ‘him’, you really can just go do something more productive (Have I mentioned 6 word memoirs??).

I’m sorry, but this has to be written, and has to be read. Because it is felt.