Showing posts with label happy birthday to me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy birthday to me. Show all posts

Friday, 20 November 2009

Another year older

Confession #46: I'm terrified of becoming someone I'll hate. But I'm pretty sure I'm on that road.

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – which is: try to please everybody."

"You want more; so do I."October



I'm back from camp, another year older. (Actually only a week, but, still, in numbers)

And, for the irst birthday in my life, I don't feel old enough. I don't feel 16.
I feel like my life is on fast forward at the moment, I'm just living day to day without any time for anything.
I've suddenly moved from being too young to care about life to old enough to know what I'm doing. I feel like, I have freedom now. Freedom I don't necessarily want.

I'm not sure how much I believe that age is just a number. To me, it has to be more.

And more than that, I've started thinking about myself differently too.
This is not necessarily bad, though, because I have a lot more confidence in myself, and I start to see myself as possibly being loveable. Perhaps even by me. But it has some bad parts as well. I see a change that no one else can.

I know that camp changed me, as it always does. But I think it changed a lot of people. I don't like the new me as much, I just like how she sees herself.

Does anyone else feel different?

Friday, 21 November 2008

I'm Back!

You want you 6 words and you KNOW it
Lying on rooftops, contemplating the world - redteacup

ok, im back.
after my lovely CAMP!! and my birthday, i am back.
i have a few things lined up to blog about over the next few days
e.g
1. Best Frieds :)
2. My Final Goodbye
3. Friends @ camp.
4. My Birthday
5. Australian Idol
...etc

BUT for the next few days ill be really busy what with going out for dinner, spanish school, staying the weekend w/ my aunty and my birthday lunch with family
so i shall maybe autopost a little bit of this stuff in advance, like, say, today?

ok, blog numero uno ~ Best Friends :)

19-11-08 11am

Now that's just not right.
You shouldn't be my life ANYMORE.
And I don't even mean in a romantic way, I mean, my whole life shouldn't be about us being friends.
Because it is!

You know why I took that leap of faith?
Because I made a deal with God
(yes, I have prgressed to fully-fledged insanity)
I made a deal, that if I trusted my entire life to a piece of rope; He owed me.
He owed me you.
We have to able to be friends again
Because I need you back, and God promised.

This is when I decided not to put this on bebo.
This is when I decided that you are my entire life.
This is when I decided, that I've stopped caring.
Stopped caring what my friends think.
Stopped caring what my parents think.
Stopped caring that my 'criminal' jacket actually tells the truth.
Stopped caring that I'm doing the wrong thing, that I always do the wrong this.

Because God owes me.
And all I want is you.

still 19-11-08 4pm

Changed my mind...I think.
I shouldn't want you that much.
It's unhealthy.
I'm sure there's heaps more things I could be focusing my attention on
But did i?? Oh no!

"Here Ebony, fall down this cliff"
"Oh sure, God, all I want is my best friend back"

That's just not right... and yet, it feels right.

How can something feel right and wrong at the same time?
More to the point, how can something BE right and wrong at the same time?
Or is it just wrong, and it only feels right because I want it so much.

20-11-08

OK, the way I see it I have two options

Option 1. - the RIGHT option, yes ebony, yes it is.
I stop talking to you altogther. i walk away, and i destroy us both
i know how hard it was for you to forget me, and i know how you held on
i know how easy it was for me to forget you, but you're just a better person than me, ok?
and i knew it would hurt you to lose me, beause, well, i saw how you were with 36636422
so what, i just do that to you again?

you are an amazing person. you are a perfect person, you do EVERYTHING right
you always do what is better for other people, and you always listen to adults, because well, you are one (okay, maybe i shouldnt remind myself of that fact)
so, do you truly deserve to be walked out on again?
i know you've had it tough in your life, and i wanted to be the only person to never fail you
but i did
and i regret it, can i live with hurting you again?

or am i just trying to talk myself out of this option so i can pick the wrong one?
but... i cant hurt you. not again.

Option 2. - the WRONG option, hear that? wrong! with capitals!
i ignore what everyone feels is the best thing for me
and i start talking to you again
i destroy my relationship with my mother, as well as the only bit of trust ive managed to build with her over the past year
i do what i want
with no regard for other people and their feelings
i let myself yself be your friend again
fully aware that i WILL fall in love with you again
and fully aware that that IS illegal.

21-11-08
i was happy again for a second this morning, but then i remembered last time i was happy
and i remembered that i hadnt figured out my situation with you yet
and i remebered that i didnt have a solution
and i said byebye to my happiness

i WANT to be happy again
sure, i know i dont deserve it!
but i want it, and i usually get what i want

sure, im selfcentered
i know, deep down, that i dont deserve happiness, because i am such an awful person
but i also know that you are perfect, and you DO deserve happiness
but do i only think that this will make you happy because it will make me happy?
and if not, do I have to choose between your happiness and everyone else's?
and so now, i sit here, typing away, not knowing which option to choose
just knowing that i cant hurt you again...
i cant hurt myself again...
i cant hurt my family again...

but also knowing that i will hurt ALL of them.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Hippiness/Love/DNMs

Ok, I have this thing, right? Everytime I time I see a sunrise or sunset, it think it’s a sunrise. Maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m blind, but of course I have this really deep and meaningful way of looking at things: 

 I don’t believe in endings, only beginnings.

 See? It was cheesier than you thought it would be. 

 But now, when I see them, I think they’re sunsets. 
You want me to be DNM again?? Yeah? You know you love it.

 I’ve realised that all good things come to an end, and eventually, things end more often than they begin. 

 I’m SUCH a hippie, aren’t I?
 *sigh* 
 I love my hippiness, and be honest, you do too! 


 loveLOVElove. 
It’s become my whole life, huh? My every thought, my every BLOG, so weird. I mean, not totally unusual for me, I’m such a LOVEly person :)
Its been on my mind so much lately, though. I try so hard to tell myself that it doesn’t matter. But it does, of course it does. Love = life. Well, for me anyway. I know that’s wrong, I know that it should be a little less significant in the grand scheme of things. But it’s not, and for me, it never will be. 

 I fall in love too easily. Some people are jealous of that… but they shouldn’t be, because, it’s soo confusing. And then you feel all slutty. But, like, it’s genuine. Sorta. So that’s ok, right?

I dunno, I still feel like an idiot. 


 Ugh, this is so smelly. 
I get back from camp today. But I have to go to work at 5, so I dunno if I have time to blog, so I'm gonna autopost his one too, like Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday when I will be (by now WAS) at camp.

 Weird to think that by the time you guys read this, camp will be over, I will be 15, things will be different. Time is so strange, where does it go? If no one is in a room, does it disappear?? 

 Hmmm. Ok, just before I leave, I need to give you guys a really funny mental picture. My are getting me a PS2 for my bday, and singstar. But they didn't know if it worked, so they tried it out! My Dad won! They both got tone deaf *shakes head* Then again, my mummy, like me, sings flat. So I can understand. 

 And my Dad was probably so unused to actually knowing the words to the song...

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Quotes

Ok, so I was surfing the net (as you do), and I stumbled across a compilation of quotes. If you guys give them a chance, they’re very good. (I know, I know, they’re all about LOVE, but it's my birthday, so I can blog about WHATEVER I WANT).) Read, and enjoy.
{{Half have what they’re quotes from, the rest, meh}}

Hearts will be practical only when they are made unbreakable
The Wizard Of Oz


Heartbreak is agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on, and you can't breathe... you don't want to eat... you can't function. It's the most intense pain that you'll ever feel, and the worst part is, there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture, and you know that it's yours for life.
- Dawson’s Creek

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- When Harry met Sally

"And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older,
'cause we never really had our closure, this can't be the end.."
- Hinder, better than me

"Sometimes things don't turn out the wayyou want them to. Sometimes the peopleyou choose to believe are wrong.Sometimes there isn't a good guy and a bad guy.Sometimes even the ones you want to believe turn out to be liars. The first boy is always the hardest to get over. It's just the way the world works."--Ashley, THAT SUMMER, By Sarah Dessen

TRIXIE: "It's crazy, right? To love someone who's hurt you?"
JANICE: "It's crazier to think that someone someone who hurts you, loves you."
-The Tenth Circle

"Don't ever cry over something that wouldn't cry over you." -Laruen Conrad

True love is felonious. You take someone’s breath away, you rob them of the ability to utter a single word. You steal a heart.
And there's a part of me that still believes if you want Superman to show up, first there’s got to be someone worth saving.
-My sister’s keeper

After all -- people die, computers crash. All we can do is breathe and reboot.
--SEX & THE CITY

The puzzle is my heart and the final piece is you

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping Beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle feel in love with a hideous beast, Jasmine married a common thief. Ariel walked on land for love and life, Snow White barely escaped a knife. It was all about blood, sweat, and tears, because love means facing your biggest fears.

It's funny how you go through the year and nothing seems to change but when you look back, everything is different. It's amazing that no matter how much we tell ourselves that we won't change for anyone, we always seem to. And no matter how much we say we won't care what they think about us, it's the number one thing on our minds. If you look at how I used to be and you look at me now, you'll realize I'm not the same girl I used to be. All of this shit got to me. I've always avoided fights. I make jokes instead. I tell people what they want to hear just to avoid confrontation. I pretend to want things I don't want and I pretend not to want things I do want. No one gets hurt except me. The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want. I just know I want it to be easy... And sometimes it's easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it's easier to be numb towards certain people so I don't let them get too close. Sometimes I'm scared, but when I act numb towards *you*, it doesn't mean I don't care it means I care too much.

Boys. They’re so stupid. Just when everything is perfect, they turn around and do something so idiotic, so horrible, and they crush your entire world. The guy you thought was the only one that was worth something, that was not like the others, well, you drop your guard, and you see him standing there, with a grin on his face, a sign around his neck, saying “I’m just like the others. You just didn’t see it, until it was too late.”

If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you're going to stay, then stay forever. And if you want to leave, then do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better. And if you're going to talk, please mean what you say.

People think that if you love somebody hard enough,
then everything is just going to work out.
well, people are wrong.

"&& i really wish you'd come back.
Not to say hi, or to tell me how good you're doing without me;
just to stop by, and to give me the one thing of mine you never returned:
my heart."

Time has moved on.
You've surely moved on.
Everyone's forgotten about us.
So why can't I?

Now that I know what I know,
I know that I will always love you.

And you say you're over him, but you can't deny it.
As hard as you try to undo that knot of love,
you can't untie it

Do you know the most surprising part about heartache?
It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart, or a head-on car wreck, it should.
Because when a person you've promised to cherish forever says, "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You should have to wake up day after day after that.
trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.

its no use,
trying to forget about you.
because every time i hear that song..
you come back to me.

People say you have at least
5 dreams per night.
That's like 2 thousand dreams a year.
So at least one of those
Has to be about me..

There`s that occasional night
where you just break down & cry,
cause you know that no matter what;
things will never be the same.

Maybe thats what happens,
you fall in love to fall apart,
and yet you'll always want to
do it again.

it's funny how the sweetest things
are the most forbidden.

Funny how time changes, but feelings don't

Please don't pretend that nothing happened
that you never stopped for a second glance
don't wish we had never met
when all I can do is think about you
don't pretend that your heart didn't skip a beat
or that your stomach didn't do flip-flops
and for my sake please dont forget me.

he landed smack in the middle of your
world, and turned everything upside down
until you were addicted to his smile,
his voice filled your dreams,
and everything that didn't make sense
before is all of a sudden perfect.

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met

Do you ever wonder? I mean about us, what happened? It's almost like our relationship was a piece of paper ; crumbled up and thrown away. What would have happened if we didn't throw it away? Maybe we would still be together, maybe not. Or maybe we secretly haven't thrown it away yet. We're saving it because someday we hope we can pull it out of our pockets and rekindle what we once had. It's that we don't want to lose what we had, but we know it's already lost. I wonder that a lot and I wonder if you wonder sometimes too.

He doesn’t know what’s right.
She doesn’t know what’s wrong.
She only knows the pain that comes
from waiting for him so long.

the second chance means nothing if nothing was learned from the first.