Death by broken heart

"i did fall in love with u once, but i believe it was because of the fact that u said u liked me first,
perhaps if i had of been more secure with myself i would have realised all the things that now make sense

... it was a superficial love,
i really knew nothing about u,
i liked the fact that i could talk to u without having to "dumb down"
i liked the fact that a pretty girl showed interest in me,
i liked the fact that u were quirky and different.
But now i see that stuff isn't enough, we're both at different stages in our lives, both after different things..."

Still trying to trust his words – edyka

jeez, that makes everything better, doesnt it?

couldnt you see that that was going to hurt me?
and how could you say you knew nothing about me? when you knew everything. i told you everything. i told you stuff im still too ashamed to put on this blog. i let you in on absolutely everything!!
and then i gave myself to you and gave you permission to destroy me.
i think i would have preferred if you did it then, rather than now.

Don't give up on me, please. – coulda.been.a.comet

everything just stopped making sense.

i actually thought we were on the same page for once. you told me we were.
i didnt think you'd take back everything.

Some things never make any sense. – angie

you were the only person in my life that made me feel special. that made me feel good about myself.
if you didnt mean it, you shouldnt have said it

Just please tell me the truth. – angie

i was ready, finally, to try. to try to do something for myself, and for you.

i dont think this is making sense. i dont think my life is making sense, so maybe this is just a reflection of that.

i feel dead inside.

My soul's dying without my angel. - ThrivingViolet

contrary to what you may think. you know everything there is to know about me.
i trust you with my life.
and i trust you with the deepest darkest parts of myself.

Puddles of problems and no mop. – coulda.been.a.comet

why is it that the only person who could ever understand everything suddenly doesnt care anymore?
and why is it that just when i'm finally happy, the best friend ive ever had takes back everything he's said to me??

My tears can't be fought anymore. – Kelseyy

here, i wrote this yesterday, i was gonna blog it today.
i still want to. even though it means is so different to what it used to mean


You changed me in beautiful, permanent ways. (I sooo would have used that for a memoir if I didn’t feel so bad about changing the meaning by shortening it). I just wanted to tell you what some of those ways are, since I’m crazily obsessed with you, and may as well use my overthinkingness especially regarding you in a more positive way.

1. My overthinkingness. Yeah, thanks heaps. It’s okay though, I’m only overthinking about you, and it’s nice to have such focus. You know, it has improved my will power, being able to focus more clearly on specific things.

2. My vocabulary. It has actually acquired a little more sophistication than my vocabulary of a year ago. My sentence structure has improved too.

3. My discipline. Sure, I’m still not the model student, but I will listen to some rules laid down by authority, thanks for helping understand that people want the best for me. You explained things so well, I’ve learned to analyse things the way you did, and understand them.

4. I fight for what I want. I used to argue because I enjoyed it, now I argue to make change. “Be the difference you want to see in the world”. Well, I’m fixing things little by little.

5. I’ve stopped caring so much about what other people think of me. If I have nice friends and family, and people out there that love me, I don’t need to care what everyone else wants me to be.

6. My dedication. The way you spoke about 36636422, it was so beautiful. You thought I would be jealous after all of that, but I told you “actually no, I’m surprised that someone could love someone else so much” and then I thought to myself, ‘could he ever feel that way about me?’ But I don’t care anymore whether you feel like that about me. To know for sure that love like that really is out there, to know that there’s a chance that you will feel it, and even just to witness it, your dedication has made me see beauty in the world.

7. As hard as it may be to believe, I’m less selfish than I used to be. I weigh opinions, and I try to come to a rational response. If I don’t have at least 24 hours to think it over, however, I make the selfish decision. I’m only rational whilst lying in bed at night, because that is the only time I allow you to have any influence over me. During the day, I still wonder if it was all just a dream, but looking out my window at the stars/moon, I know it was all true.

8. You taught me to care. I used to only want significant details of people’s lives. I only wanted to know the big things (i.e. why their life wasn’t perfect). Now, I’m anxious to know everything, to be involved, to understand everything about a person. I think this is subconsciously because I want you to know everything about me again. Also, because, if I can be the perfect friend to someone else that you were to me, I deserve you again.

9. You know I’ve always thought you were perfect, but not in a “oh he’s so amazing” sort of a way, it’s just that, if you asked me a few years ago who I wanted to be when I was older, I would have described you. You made the right decisions, the ones I never could because I was embarrassed or ashamed, or I thought it would lead to something I didn’t want. Thank you for letting me see that the perfect me can still exist if I try hard enough to do the right thing. It’s really helping me do things the right way.

10. My OCD. I think I actually got some of that from you. Sure, I was already a little crazy, but you focused my craziness into something more definable… I still remember how obsessive you used to be…

11. Addiction to chocolate. Remember the caramello koalas? Yeah, that started it. Before that, chocolate was just nice, you made me fall in love with it :).


Ok, so there’s heaps more, but I’m getting al lovey-dovey and I’m pretty sure you guys really don’t care.
Point is: my ex-best friend is awesome! And you should all wish you had someone as cool as him to influence your life!


...

Sad thing is...

You still expect us to go on as if you had said nothing.
You think that because I'm not in love with you anymore, I won't care that you never really loved me. You think that we should go on, and try and piece together our friendship again. You think that this changes nothing. That it’s irrelevant because it’s in the past.
And you don’t know that I’m sitting here falling apart, because the one thing I thought was real is suddenly just another lie.