Merry Christmas

Ok, so I got some awesome Christmas gifts this year, as per usual. Mainly tyres for my car and a pandora bracelet, with one charm :L Oh yeah, and a boyfriend (sort of a christmas present? ask me if you want to know the story :L)



Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside



I've had an amazing epiphany of late, where I've realised that it's not all my fault. Everything that's wrong in my life isn't all my fault, and I'm not a bad person simply because bad things happen to me. I know that sounds stupid and simple, and perhaps it's an onver simplification of the revalation I have had. But I feel like I am not entirely responsible anymore.



Jessica: And what are you looking at?
Mickey: The fairest beauty that ever stood before the eyes of a man since Helen danced her willing way in the wondering woes of Troy
Jessica: It's only a gift of words that you shower me, but I have to say that they shine
Mickey: Oh you shine, princess, mine, you shine!



I miss the feeling, you know. I miss feeling like this. I miss music and movies and happiness and sadness and all the goo. I don't really like missing it, because it makes me feel all insecure and stuff, but then I guess that's normal. Nikki says I should be a stereotype, and that if there's any time to be lazy and selfish, it's when I'm 17. Dad says I'm selfless. I don't really know who I am, but I like that I'm figuring it out.



I'm the last straw on a camel's back away from saying those three words

Beautiful world

Ok, so, I originally wasn't going to blog because my Internet downloads are diminising very quickly with all this school holiday spare time. But then, I thought, oh well, I may as well use it all up, right? (No, Ebony, that's a stupid idea).

Anyways, so here I am, and it's actually tomorrow now, which means I missed a day of blogging, oh how terrible. But I don't really care :L Because I have things to say =)

School holidays. It's like a time of intense loneliness, because everyone's doing their own thing, unless you're the kind of person that doesn't have a thing, and you keep jigging work for silly things like grand finals (31 years says it's not silly). And then you sit at home talking to people that are just as lonely and pathetic as you, and that you wish you could cheer up, but some part of you doesn't want them to be happy, and you don't know what to say because you're so fucking lonely yourself.

And you sit in bed at night for hours and you think about his smile. So damn beautiful. And you wonder if, maybe if you hadn't had so many weeks without that smile, maybe you could still believe that humanity was beautiful. Because he makes it beautiful. And you visualise the conversations you can never have because you get that funny feeling in your tummy when he's around, and it's something you haven't felt in so long, which is why you maybe didn't recognise it at first. And now you do recognise it, and you're scared of it, and you want to run away, but without that beautiful smile you just feel this overwhelming sadness. And maybe when you're with him, you feel sad as well, but he makes the world shine a little more.

Oh my gosh, I'm such a stupid little girl. =S

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound...

And just thinking about your smile, for hours on end each night, makes the night more beautiful, and my life more beautiful, and gives me reason to smile, and maybe even takes away a little of the sadness. The sadness that I guess was largely caused by you.
I wonder, if you had never entered my life, would I still be here? Or would I be... happy? The word sounds so strange, because I often feel so very sad, but I know there was a time when I was happy. Or at least... content. And I had all my boxes ticked, which I thought was a sign that I was happy, although now I'm starting to doubt it.

But I might be starting to doubt it because I'm mentally blocking the happy I felt, so that the sad doesn't take over so much. Or maybe, that wasn't happy?

I'm so stupid and confused.

Please make my world beautiful again.

Oh, and today is RUOK Day, which is some weird thingy thingo.
So yeah, please leave a comment, and tell me if you are ok. (And it's ok if you're not. We all fall sometimes, but we get up again)

Stay true

For the people in my life...

Person One
You agreed with me that one should be spelt, rather than written with numbers. But that's sort of irrelevant. Aside from your smile when you said it, which is completely relevant, because it's the smile I'm learning to hate because of the effect is has on me. I will never be enough for you. And it's not even that I will never be good enough, I just won't be enough. You don't want better you want more. You deserve more.



Person Two
I miss you. And I've been missing you for a while now, but I'm too scared to tell you because you'll give me a lecture, and I'll feel... like me. I'll feel like I'm too weak to handle anything on my own so I go running to you instead because you can handle anything. And I don't want to be that weak. So I'm not going to tell you that I miss you.



Person Three
I don't like seeing you or thinking about you too much, because it hurts. "Turned out to hurt way more than I thought it could". I didn't think it would hurt this much, it is really quite unexpected. I feel like doing things you would hate, even though you don't know I'm doing them. I feel like playing bad music really quietly.



Person Four
So when these three people got to me too much, I went to you and went completely insane. So now you talk to me ALL THE TIME. Well, you did, but now it's more me wanting to talk to you too. And when stuff starts hurts I talk to you and you make the hurt go away a bit. Which is weird, but, so nice.



Person Five
You make me feel stronger than I've ever felt before. You give me confidence to be myself because you make me feel like the person I am is a good one. I think you're sad a lot, but you don't tell me why, which upsets me, because I would really do anything to help you. I want you to feel like I feel; invincible =)


Have a good day =)

We're all just a bunch of magnets

Right now, I am so happy with the person that I am.
I enjoy being me.
And that makes me happy.

(So does seeing little birdies walking along the tops of cars. IT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY, OKAY??)

Anyway, so, I meant to post this ages ago, and it was playing at coles today, so I'm like, yeah, I'll blog that song.

This is who I am, to some extent.
I'm the crazy girl who tells you to smile because the world is a beautiful place, that gets excited in English when I say something remotely intelligent (we call them 'English moment's), I'm the girl who tells you to have a happy ending. Who pesters you about your secrets until you have no choice but to tell me, and then I regret hearing them (I know, I know, I should learn. I don't). I'm the girl who has exact trig ratios and a period table blu tacked above my computer, just in case =L. I'm the girl who will always give you a "leagl buddies hug", and who prefers the letter I to Y, G to J, and K to C. I'm the girl who crazy dances to lady gaga when no one can see me, and who singstars to abba when no one can hear me. I'm the girl who believes you're never too old to cry in a corner. I'm the girl who can lie as if it were the truth and never get caught, but I'd rather be honest. I'm the girl who hopes you miss me as you're looking for yourself out there. I'm the girl who thinks she's a magnet. I'm the girl who just wants to be cared about.

And yet, I'm somehow empty...


Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Feeling girly

Confession#22: I hate it when you make everything about you. Some things are about me.

“I want to know exactly what makes you smile, and I want to know your problems. I want to know what days you’re waking up on the wrong side of the bed; I want to know how many pillows you sleep with. I want to know why you sleep with a window open. I want to know if I’m ever needed, if I’m good enough to keep you warm at night. I want to know if I even have a chance anymore. I want to know everything about you. I want to know your past, your future, you’re betweens. I want to know your favourite colors, the things you love, well basically everything. Because I love you.”

"Tell me that we belong together." – randomperson

I've spent so much time pretending that you don't affect me.
I'm not jealous of you... I don't think.
I'm not really sure actually, I don't know what jealousy feels like.
I just doubt that I'm a good person when you're around.
You who understand everyone and everything.
You, the naturally intelligent, naturally beautiful.
You with the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect life.
Will I ever compare to that?
When I stand next to you, can anyone even see me?



I know what it's like to live your life feeling like you're second best.
I know what it's like to need to impress everyone just so you can feel like you've beat HER, in at least one aspect.
I know what it's like to hear someone else tell you over and over how perfect SHE is. How pretty SHE is. How lucky SHE is.
I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep at night, because you'll never ever be as good as HER.
But I don't know what it's like to be her.



I'm not really sure where this whole post is coming from or what it means. I guess, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel second best to her. I told her, too, and she laughed at me, telling me how silly I was for feeling like that, but it only made me feel worse. I hate it when she laughs at me.

Even for me.

Confession #43: Okay, I admit it. I am PMSing. =S

"And although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid."

"Screw eloquence. Awkward moments radiate beauty." – theliterarybulimic

I am so sick of these bloody moodswings.
I keep changing for happy to bitchy to hormonal to depressed to self concious, all in a number of minutes.
AND IT IS PISSING ME OFF!



Sometimes life is just sad.
And sometimes you work so hard for something, and in the end, you don't even get what you want. And it's not just something you want, it's something you need. Something you're gonna learn to live without. And maybe that's what growing up is all about. Learning to live without the things that you need.



Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirty, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.



Yeah, actually, I do complain a lot. I'm ungrateful and whiney, and basically not worth it. But when we complain together, now that's something beautiful. All of you is beautiful. I love complaining about things with you because they don't suck anymore. You make everything stop sucking. You make everything beautiful. You made my bad day amazing. You are amazing.



I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...



And I think I'm slowly becoming that person I swore I never would.
The one who doesn't really give a damn about anyone other than herself.
Even the selfless things I do, I do them for selfish reasons.
And I hate who I'm becoming.
And I promised myself I'd change.
And I thought I was doing so well at that.
But turns out... I'm not.



Now imagine feeling all of those emotions in 30 seconds.
STUPID CRAPPY DAY!!!!!!
=S

ps: i love you

My Greatest Adventure

Confession #23: I thought about you for the end of the science exam. It makes me sad. I wish it didn't.

"I am feeling the need to do some drinking. Actually, I’m feeling the need to do some crying, but my tear ducts seem to be too proud, so I am going to do some drinking instead."

"Death; giving life meaning since creation." – coulda.been.a.comet

But I don't really wanna think like that.
It's scary.
I don't know what to do, that's all.
I don't know what's expected of me.
Why is life so bloody hard to deal with?



I've realised that I don't have a problem with my old attitude.
I don't mind if I rant every now and then.
This is my blog, it is my space.
I'm a hormonal bitchy teenage girl. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
And when it's not ranty, it's all lovey dovey. =L
I just mood swing a lot.

I find the prospect of tomorrows to be very hopeful.
I know they tell you to live everyday as if it is your last, but I think that's stupid.
If today was my last day there's no way in hell I would spend 4 hours of it doing exams.
But since I have the rest of my life and all that, I guess it's ok.
Besides, camp next week. =)
Which also happens to include MY BIRTHDAY (again).

I am home.
After everything I've gone through to get here.
I'm home.
I feel... cared about.
Maybe I can actually get something right, while I'm here too.
(No, I don't know why I'm suddenly happy, I think it had something to do with perspective)

I have a feeling one of us has gone completely crazy.
And I'm actually quite certain that it's me.
Which is... a bit of an issue.
To say the least.
But whilst I'm sitting here.
All crazy and all.
I think I might just enjoy it.

PS: I love you.

Updates

Charlie has a virus.
As in, more than one.
So he's going to get put down.
And Mr Computer Man is building me another computer.
That is like, absolutely amazingful.
And it's XP, because he says that's better than 7 (anything other than vista is fine by me)
Poor Charlie. He's always been such a good computer.
...Actually, he's always been a pain in the arse.
So this could be a change for the better!

And today, I am going shopping.
An agony all in itself.
But my sister told me we have to spend a day together this holidays, and we have to spend our money.
So Mac Square, here we come!
And mum gave me $50 to spend. Indeed. Wow.

Oh, and I tried on my sister's dress yesterday.
The one I'm wearing to the formal.
And, well, it's a bit shorter on me than it is on her =S
And I don't like anything above my knees.
But then, I can't be bothered to buy one.
And I don't wanna make mum make one like she did for Nikki.
So maybe I can do something with it...

Okaay, well I should go now.
I'm just blogging because I'm bored and no one's online.
But it's ok, no one reads my blog anyway :L

Wish you were here,