Unspeakable words I choose to write

‘One of the hardest things in life
is having words in your heart
that you cannot utter.’

So, for just one blog, I am going to utter the unutterable. And I am going to try very hard not to care what people think when they read it.

(This blog has actually been a long time in the making, but one day I got all pissy and deleted the stuff I was gonna write, so it’s all new and not very good, sorry)

Love disobeys all rules.
It’s the one thing that science can’t explain
And when people ask “what’s the reason for life?”, love is the only thing they can’t argue with.

Maybe that’s what makes it beautiful, the fact that it’s magical. It is totally unparallel to every other feeling. It does not conform to fit in with the rest of our world. It allows itself freedom and beauty. The only thing that really is beautiful.

You build up this defence so that no one sees you weak, you appear strong and powerful, and you feel it too. And then someone comes along and destroys it all in a single breath. And it’s not like you asked for it. Oh no, love doesn’t work like that, it doesn’t even make sense. You didn’t do anything to make this happen. They didn’t do anything either, except maybe something stupid like smile. And then you’re weak, weaker than you’ve ever been before. And you’re in pain. And it sets your soul on fire. So that you can’t bear the pain, and the only remedy is to think of them. Every second of everyday. To see parts of them in every part of the world. And then it doesn’t matter when you’re in pain… you just think of them, and everything is okay.

… I am such an idiot. :L

(Read in a British accent [HughGrant-esque])
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport. General opinion makes out that we live in a world of hatred and greed - but I don't see that – it seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there: fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from people on board were messages of hate or revenge; they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love, actually, is all around.”

I just spent 10 minutes looking for that quote so you read it, okay?? (It’s the opening lines of loveactually.)
(To view it with the video, click here)

(Steals from Lizzie)

After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and that you really do have worth. You learn that with every goodbye, there's a hello.


I don't care how many fish there are in the sea.
I don't want a fish.
I want you.

What if I don’t care how you feel about me? What if it doesn’t matter if we “want different things”? What if I just want to be happy? What if I just want someone to think about that will make me smile instead of cry? So, what you say doesn’t really make a difference, I don’t need you to love me, or even like me, I just need you to let me love you. Because I’ve never been this happy before. And I don’t know if it’s because of you, I just know that you light up my life, everytime I talk to you. And I’m willing to give everything to keep those few opportunities I get to smile. I can’t explain how wonderful you make me feel, I just want to hold onto this feeling for as long as possible.

I think I love you too much, and it’s wrong, and you can’t deal with wrong, and so one of us is going to get hurt…again. Every part of me screams “Not him! Please, just not him!” and yet, I feel I can’t hurt myself over you again, because it would make me lose faith. In love, in God, in fate, in karma, in life. Still, that wouldn’t be as bad as hurting you… so I’ll just wait for you to break me.

(Steal from Amy)

Love is hurting like hell when you know they don’t love you back, but you still love them the same.
Love is not about being in a relationship, its about wanting to be a part of someone's life... unconsciously, non-stop
Love is when you finish being totally obsessed over someone and you just want to be there for them
Love is not the craving for something with them... it’s the craving for them... for them to be happy
Love is when you’re 1000 miles away, and your heart is tearing into bits
Love is... making me slowly drive insane
Love is not thinking about them every second, its thinking about them every millisecond
Love is walking a little longer, just to see the smile on their face
Love is feeling empty every night because you’re not with them
Love is a distraction when it comes to maths
Love is when a song plays; you twist the words to fit perfectly in your mind to make it sound like they are singing it
Love is... making my cheeks permanently red
Love is when you read a poem and you think that every poem is written just for you both to share
Love is seeing a new text message and wishing it was them sending it to you
Love is when you GET that text message from them, and you just look at it and breathe in and out and just stare at it for a while before you give in to the phone vibrating and open the message =)
Love is sitting at the computer all day, wishing they would go online just for a second
Love is when you see something cute... you think of them
Love is... making me a bit of a fool
Love is every one of those things and so much more

You know what? No. Not anymore. I disagree, I am not in love with you. I was, and now I just…
Wow, it’s so hard to explain.
I need for you to be happy. And everytime I see you’re hurt, I ache for me to be the person to make you happy. Whether it’s because I want you to love me, or because I know that if I help someone so flawless, I become a better person and I actually do the right thing, I’m not sure. I just know that it’s unbearable. That’s why I’m writing this. Because if I could just live with it, I would, but I can’t. Because I want someone to say “I know what you’re going through”, or “it’s okay, you won’t always feel like that”, or “do you need a hug?” Because I need someone to understand.. Because I need you to know…More than that… I need you to care.

You know how people block out particularly hazardous memories? I don’t remember a whole month of my life. Since then, I’ve heard that I was pretty messed up. That I didn’t smile, that I randomly stared into space, even that I randomly cried, that people would ask me questions over and over, and never get my full attention. And my sister… she still asks what happened, she said, it was awful, that she’d never seen me like that.
I don’t remember, I’ve never been able to remember. I don’t want to.
I can’t do it again.
And I’m being selfish, and immature, and unfair and… foolish.
And I don’t care.
Because more than anything I need you to understand this, and I need you to care, at least a tiny bit, how I feel.

Just… don’t… leave.

And I’m scared.
I’m really, really scared.
Of everything.
I’m scared of how you’ll react to this.
I’m scared of what other people think of me for being so stupid.
I’m scared I’m lying to myself.
I’m scared of what you think of me.
I’m scared of losing you.
I’m scared that there’s nothing to lose.
I’m scared of life.

I want those 3 weeks.
The ones you’ve probably forgotten about.
And the person who offered me them.
Who you have also probably forgotten about.

Or those 3 wishes.
You’ve probably forgotten about those too…

And yes, I know what you’re gonna say, but…
Thought you should know,
I’ve tried my best to let go of you,
But I don’t want to

I dunno if I even wanna post this, because I’m sure I’ll regret it… but I don’t backspace anymore, so, I guess it’s set in stone.
Well, here goes nothing.